Cold sheets

I have been sick for the past few days...which explains my absence from the blog. In these days I have done a lot of sleeping. And usually with sleeping comes dreaming. Vivid ones specifically for me. Most Nyquil induced. Of course they are about John... some of the weirdest dreams. Some that wouldn't make sense to try and even describe. I just know that even when my body shuts down at night my brain is still on and constantly spinning reels of John.
In these past few days I have been experiencing a bit of heartache in the specific area of lonliness. As a woman... as a widow... as a human... I crave affection. More than anything I crave affection from John. But, the reality of it all is I cannot feel that affection anymore. And it kills me. The hollowness of my life is getting larger. I hate living alone. I hate watching TV and laughing out loud by myself and having no one to share with. I hate turning over in my bed and feeling the cold sheets where there used to be the warmth of a body. I crave affection. I want to be held and touched and loved. I want to be called beautiful again. I want someone to shower me with their love and affection. I want to be kissed and touched.
I still sleep on one side of the bed. I have to FORCE myself to move in the middle... to make myself realize I can have the whole bed to myself. The funny thing is when John was around I NEVER slept on my side. And it drove him crazy :) I am a diagonal sleeper. Even more so when I had his body to wrap around.

Sometimes I feel completely desperate. I pick up my phone and start calling and texting people. Anyone. Anyone to come spend time with me... listen to me... be with me. The other night I ended up in tears because I felt like people were avoiding me. Like, I am infected with a plague. No one wants to be infected with my sorrow. I am that SNL character..."Debby Downer." And I do feel like that a lot. I bring John up in conversation all the time. At work, with friends, in front of strangers, at the doctor's office, etc. And maybe this makes people uncomfortable? But he was such a big part of my life. And still is. I think others just rather move on. But that's not how it works for the grieving. We need to talk about it. Ignoring it will only make the process longer and more painful.
I was so angry the other night.
I felt like people were going back on their word.
In April so many were like "oh, I'll always be here for you... whenever you need me...." blah blah blah.
It's December. It's the holidays. I am struggling. More than you think. Or maybe it's what you thought. So, where are those promises from April? Why aren't people seeking me out to help me or just keep company with me? Why am I always on a quest to seek out company?? Is that what I should be doing? Why can't others just do what they say? Actions speak louder than words. And I will remember those who have been there for me... and those who slowly drifted away.... staying comfortable and cozy in their little world.... and escaping mine.
I wish I could escape.


My friend Allison sent me a funny message the other day after I complained about people saying "you look tired." It made me laugh. And I told her I would post it:

I've never thought it's appropriate for anyone (other than a close family member) to tell someone "you look tired." Here are some appropriate responses for the next time someone tells you "you look tired."
1. Thank you
2. Yes, I am. Thank you for reminding me.
3. So do you
4. I was just going to say the same thing to you
5. I'm tired of people saying that to me
6. How is that ok to say to me?
7. And you're very perceptive
8. Your mom's tired
9. And you look fat
10. And you look old
11. And you look half-retarded
12. And you look rude
13. And you look stupid with those shoes on
14. And you need to learn some manners
15. (silence- no response, just eye contact and turn away)
16. I'm not tired I'm just not wearing makeup. Thank you for telling me, I'm ugly without make up.
17. No I don't.
18. Your face is tired
19. I'm tired of missing John. Thank you for bring it up



Thanks, Allison. I may start using some of those.


Sooo... last thing to discuss. I went to a plastic surgeon today for a consultation. No, nothing exciting or fancy. No lypo or tummy tuck. I wish. It was about my friend on my chin. My mole I have had since I have 3 years old. And I have been wanting it off... forever. Since childhood. But I never had guts. I had gone a few years ago and was given a ridioculous estimate and told I would have a big scar. But, this guy is the best of the best.... and ensured me that if I scared... it would be less noticeable than a mole. True.
So, he consults. And then is like... are we doing surgery today? It will take 15 minutes.
And in an instant I was like... "yes, let's do it." and next thing you know I am laying on a table with a needle going in my face. The doctor removes the mole ... i almost pass out... he stitches me up... and minutes later I am walking out of the office with bloody gauze and a new chin... that looks pretty Frankenstein right now. It's not a cute sight. But, hopefully it will make a difference in the future. Because why not more change? Maybe if I change enough things I will distract myself enough from the biggest change in my life. Ok, that's doubtful.
Next stop: tattoo.

Thanksgiving

I survived my first Thanksgiving without John.
I can't say that I am proud... because that just sounds weird. Maybe I am a bit relieved? That I didn't have a complete breakdown in front of his family.
I stayed at his parents all day.
It felt just like the Thanksgivings we have had before. The same faces. The same food. The same house and same decorations. But. It was also very different. You could see it in everyone;s faces. But no one said it. No one said John's name. Not even during the prayer. (which John's dad couldn't do and passed it on to Liz's mom).
But we all felt his absence.
It was a gaping hole.
Last year John came to Thanksgiving late because he had to work in the morning.
So, around the time he came home last year was the time I started to yearn.
Please, God.
Please have his gray Cadillac pull up in the driveway and let John walk through the door with his tie loose and blue work shirt untucked and jacket in arms. I would have made him a plate. But, the reality of it was he wasn't coming to dinner.
I got kind of upset. That no one mentioned him.
I guess I need to understand that not everyone can handle that right now... but for me... I needed to hear his name more than ever. I needed to to know that I wasn't the only one that was writhing in his absence. I needed to be assured that no one had forgotten. That he existed. At one point I took a nap with Annie and brought it up. As we both drifted off to sleep I had tears drip off my nose. He wasn't forgotten. He was on everyone's minds... and everyone in the house felt his absence.
Thanksgiving came and went.
I ate a lot of food. I talked with John's family. I shared stories.
By the time I left and got in my car... it was over. And I lost it. I cried all the way home. All the feelings I held in all day came out on my 30 minute drive home. Not the safest place to let it all out... but where I tend to do most of my crying anyway.
I got home. I went to sleep. For a short while.
I woke up multiple times during the night with horrible dreams, night sweats and numbness in my body. Probably from anxiety. Of course they were thoughts about John. He had invaded my mind all day so I knew he would be slipping into my dreams. It hurts to dream about John. Mainly to wake up and realize he isn't there.

In the end I survived. I made it to the day after Thanksgiving.

End of October

Only a few more hours left of October.
Thank goodness.
Farewell October.

I mean, it wasn't as bad as I thought... but I just think it was lingering a bit.
Now it's time to take on November. A whole new month will a whole new set of emotions. The holidays are arriving. They are sneaking up... and I am trying to hold my ground. I won't let myself get out of control. I just made it through Oct. 30th. I can do this.

I just took my relationship status off Facebook. I know, weird huh? Like that is the biggest deal in my life right now? a status on a social network site? oh my goodness where has my life come to. But, I guess to me... it was a step. Another small step. Ya know facebook has a "widowed" status now. But I wasn't ready to put that one up... I wonder what icon shows up for that one. like when you go from a relationship to single it shows a broken heart (rude). Does the widow one have like a black, broken heart. or a tombstone with a heart on it?
As you may know....
I was supposed to get married this weekend.
Many people remembered me this weekend.
Many sent messages.
Many sent texts.
And I appreciated it all. It was so nice to be remembered. The whole odd part about it is... they should have been at my wedding. Saying their congrats to me and wishing me well as me and John went on our way to our honeymoon.
But here I am.
Not married. With an engagement ring still on my finger. And watching TV alone with my cat on the couch.

I stressed so much earlier on with what I was going to do this important weekend. I just eventually gave up on trying to think about it or plan. And just let it come and pass and I would get through it. Luckily, I was surronded by great people to help out.
I went to St. Petersburg.
I went to dinner.
I saw Jack Ass 3-D.
I played beer pong.
I held a tarantula and it sunk it's fangs into my hands.
I learned how to shoot a gun.
I watched lots of movies and chilled out.
I hugged and kissed a beluga whale.
I walked an emu.
I played with a bobcat.
I hugged baby kangaroos.

And there you have it.
How I spent my wedding weekend.
Not exactly what I thought my wedding weekend would have been.
I know that I would have been surronded by all the people I love and becoming John's wife. I would be dancing to our song... throwing a bouquet and hoping my best friend caught it. I would be giggling and laughing and swirling around the room in my gown. I would be eating a beautiful cake and John would be slicing into his bass drum cake. We would be hearing John's brothers make a toaste and my sister in law and Evan make a toast as well. I am sure I would have been crying. Because my happiest of happiest days had arrived.

But. Life threw me a curve ball. It sent me whirling in a new direction. And each baby step I take to get through this is good enough for now. Because I am making it through. I just survived October.