I haven't always been so open with my feelings about Halloween... mainly because everyone is so damn obsessed with it.
I mean it's a BIG freaking deal for some of my friends.
So I just kind of go with the flow.
I decorate the house is various fall colors... wreaths with bright oranges, yellows and browns. Dark reds and scents of cinnamon.
I have some sparkly bats hanging in the living room.
But that's about it.
No grave stones.
No blood.
No skeletons.
Halloween has gotten weird for me since 2010.
When working at Universal since 2007 I have gone to the Halloween Horror Night premieres every year. It's not as crowded, there are $2.00 beers, and you get to see the raw version of Bill and Ted.
But when I went in 2011 with Ryan and some friends it was just really hard.
I had a hard time going through some of the houses and had a panic attack just getting close to one of them.
I can handle vampires and werewolves and fantasy creatures.
But when it comes to dead people... I just can't handle it.
I definitely still suffer some PTSD when it comes to this. I even avoid certain movies because they can literally trigger a panic attack.
Finding John in April 2010 has left this permanent mark inside my brain and heart.
When I see pale, lifeless figures... even though I know they have make up on... I see John.
I do not like scenes with coffins or tombstones.
I don't know why tombstones bother me so much because John never even had one. I guess it just reminds me of death in general and how real it is.
And while many can laugh and have a grand ole' time during this holiday and wear costumes depicting death... I cannot.
I know I sound prudent.
And I know that it's just a "holiday." But for me there's something too real about death and mortality.
I just don't mind moving on from here... on to the happier holidays.
And please don't get me wrong.
I enjoy the yearly Halloween movies like anyone else. Hocus Pocus, Beetlejuice, etc.
I can even ride Haunted Mansion sometimes at Disney.
In fact, I would MUCH rather go to Disney's Not So Scary party than to HHN now.
If I ever go to HHN the only thing I really do is the Bill and Ted show and houses that don't involve dead bodies. ( which is basically none of them)
But that's about it.
I just thought I would let it out.
That I am broken.
And I guess that it will be this way for awhile.
And I really like Christmas much better.
Showing posts with label holidays. Show all posts
Showing posts with label holidays. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Sunday, January 1, 2012
You say you want to make a resolution?
I can't stand watching the facebook status updates on Dec. 31.
All of a sudden everyone becomes more enlightened... they have it "figured out" and also feel the need to give out unwanted advice. Or act too good for resolutions...
One of my biggest peeves is those who make statements like "why do you wait until Jan. 1 to make a resolution? you can start anytime... blah blah blah"
...
it's pretentious.
I mean, give people a little credit for TRYING to make a resolution for goodness sake!
And if it wasn't people getting all hot and bothered about other's resolutions it was people bitching about their 2011.
It sucks for widows to read statuses where people have nothing to do but complain about horrible their year was. People that got married, that have beautiful and healthy children, people who have AMAZING high paying jobs, people who are perfectly healthy, etc.
No one that had been widowed complained about their year.
Even though they probably had the shittiest years of all.
Most of them were probably smarter than me and stayed off of facebook anyway. Facebook, as I have mentioned before, has always been a weakness of mine and I am gradually learning how to balance it out and not take things personal.
Until yesterday.
When everyone's status made my blood boil
And so I have started cleaning out my facebook.
I have deleted people (yes) and I have mostly unsubscribed from people who do nothing but post nonsense that i really could care less about.
Pictures of them getting ready for the club, statuses of constant frustration, people that only quote lyrics or films, etc. etc.
All hidden from view now :)
So, I think that was one positive step to start this new year for sure.
As for my resolutions... I do have them. Call it cliche or whatever but everyone deserves a fresh start. The new year just may give people a chance to find page one.
My thing is... give people the chance.
And here is my chance.
2012 will be MY year.
A positive, blessed year.
And one that I know I have to be in control of.... for the most part.
Some resolutions:
1) LOSE THE FREAKING WEIGHT.
I am once again officially the heaviest I have ever been.
it's just getting annoying.
mainly because I control it and I am well aware of it.
I eat like crap and I don't exercise. So, at least I know how to fix the problem. I am aware that what I am currently doing (which is nothing) is the wrong thing and all I need to do is go opposite of that and I will see results.
Minor fixes: drink more water, eat out less.
Major fixes: join a gym, take yoga, change eating habits completely.
By the summer I would love to be down 20 lbs or more.
Perhaps I should set up a separate small blog dedicated to that journey... anyone know how to do that?????
like... ya know... a tab up top where it would link to my other blogs?
which leads me to the next resolution (which these are in no order at all)...
2) Fix my blog.
It's outdated. and kind of dark...
and need expansions to fit me expanding my life.
I would love to add a section on other aspects of my life in addition to my grief journey... as well as a special section where ryan can write once a week.
so, I am currently in the market for someone to "pimp my blog."
Or... a blog designer.
If you have any suggestions please let me know.
remember: i am a teacher and a widow. money is tight.
3) Figure out finances.
Living paycheck to paycheck is getting old.
Ryan and I have come up with some ideas to try and get out finances better figured out for the year 2012... and one of the goals being for Ryan to pursue a job other than Universal and to get into law school. If he goes to school that will be his full time "job" and I will try to make ends meet on the other end. No matter what I need to get out of debt. My debt isn't much compared to many out there... but enough to make me not like it. Paying off my car and credit card this year is on the top of my list. I just came across the app called mint.com!! I highly recommend it to everyone that is interested in money management. I am kind of obsessed with it. It helps you budget out your fiances and gives you warnings when you go near budget or over it and also offers advice. I check it daily. The best part is that Ryan and I linked our bank accounts ( yes, already) and we are budgeting as a couple and not as individuals. So it takes into account both our ... well... accounts.
4) God/church/bible
Ryan and I have already concluded we need to 1) establish a church 2) pray DAILY 3) read the Bible
One of my favorite things to do with Ryan is pray together. it's a special thing we do at least once a month where we hold hands in bed and pray outloud for each other. It is especially helpful when I am feeling anxious. There is something about coming together and speaking to God as a couple that makes everything seem so much better. It really does put me at ease.
As for church ... the problem we seem to be coming across is the fact that I am non-denominational and ryan is catholic. We don't necessarily always agree on where to go for service. I don't care that he is Catholic at all. I just tend to get bored in Catholic services (not to mention mean glares when I take communion at a Catholic wedding and do not do the whole cross my head, heart thing). So, we might just have to compromise on this one.
5) Get creative!
My creative juices have really been flowing lately! There is soooo much I want to do but of course things that keep me from doing it... money and time being the prime suspects. So, I am going to try and set aside one day a week to do something "crafty." Either by myself or with a friend. Doing crafts (or baking, cooking) really helps me release tension and I am hoping that I can also use craft skills to bless others when it comes time to birthdays, parties, etc. I mean, I always love getting handmade things from people... so I am sure others would like that too.
6) Fall in love every day.
I want to continue the relationship I have with Ryan in the direction that we are going and never take advantage of a single moment.
Widows get a big appreciation at a second shot at love.
We take advantage of every moment, big or small.
We want to make memories everyday. Photos at every event, saying "yes" to any invitations, road trips whenever possible... we want to make sure we live our new lives to the fullest.
I am hoping that everyone would do this.... and not have to be a widow to learn to do so. Luckily, I have always lived by that mantra.
7) Family and Friends
2011 brought me closer to a lot of people.
Sadly, I lost a few friendships along the way. Some have not completely disappeared. They have faded. They still linger there but are not the same as they were before.
Now i have new ones to work on.
New people to care for and love.
And there is always my family... who I always feel the need to stay connected with as possible. The longer time goes by the farther apart everyone spreads so keeping in touch has been a challenge. I want to try and visit EVERYONE this year. i feel bad because Kristi was once again left out... mainly because she is the most expensive to visit. So, I want to make sure she becomes a priority.
In June Ryan and I wrote a list of goals.
We got to review them and edit them tonight.
After 6 months we accomplished a little... but not as much as I wanted to.
I will perhaps post them sometime this week... they are our "official" resolutions. I can then continue to track them and watch to see if we obtain the goals we are setting out for ourselves.
My advice to everyone is... go ahead and make a resolution.
Don't worry about what those pretentious people say about you not having to do it on Jan 1. I think Jan 1 is a fine day to make a resolution. (not to mention it's easier to track). (not to mention it's easier to obtain things like finances and weight management now that the holidays are over).
And here is to the year 2012....
may it be filled with happiness, health and love... lots and lots of love.
Cecilia is ready to ring in the new year...
All of a sudden everyone becomes more enlightened... they have it "figured out" and also feel the need to give out unwanted advice. Or act too good for resolutions...
One of my biggest peeves is those who make statements like "why do you wait until Jan. 1 to make a resolution? you can start anytime... blah blah blah"
...
it's pretentious.
I mean, give people a little credit for TRYING to make a resolution for goodness sake!
And if it wasn't people getting all hot and bothered about other's resolutions it was people bitching about their 2011.
It sucks for widows to read statuses where people have nothing to do but complain about horrible their year was. People that got married, that have beautiful and healthy children, people who have AMAZING high paying jobs, people who are perfectly healthy, etc.
No one that had been widowed complained about their year.
Even though they probably had the shittiest years of all.
Most of them were probably smarter than me and stayed off of facebook anyway. Facebook, as I have mentioned before, has always been a weakness of mine and I am gradually learning how to balance it out and not take things personal.
Until yesterday.
When everyone's status made my blood boil
And so I have started cleaning out my facebook.
I have deleted people (yes) and I have mostly unsubscribed from people who do nothing but post nonsense that i really could care less about.
Pictures of them getting ready for the club, statuses of constant frustration, people that only quote lyrics or films, etc. etc.
All hidden from view now :)
So, I think that was one positive step to start this new year for sure.
As for my resolutions... I do have them. Call it cliche or whatever but everyone deserves a fresh start. The new year just may give people a chance to find page one.
My thing is... give people the chance.
And here is my chance.
2012 will be MY year.
A positive, blessed year.
And one that I know I have to be in control of.... for the most part.
Some resolutions:
1) LOSE THE FREAKING WEIGHT.
I am once again officially the heaviest I have ever been.
it's just getting annoying.
mainly because I control it and I am well aware of it.
I eat like crap and I don't exercise. So, at least I know how to fix the problem. I am aware that what I am currently doing (which is nothing) is the wrong thing and all I need to do is go opposite of that and I will see results.
Minor fixes: drink more water, eat out less.
Major fixes: join a gym, take yoga, change eating habits completely.
By the summer I would love to be down 20 lbs or more.
Perhaps I should set up a separate small blog dedicated to that journey... anyone know how to do that?????
like... ya know... a tab up top where it would link to my other blogs?
which leads me to the next resolution (which these are in no order at all)...
2) Fix my blog.
It's outdated. and kind of dark...
and need expansions to fit me expanding my life.
I would love to add a section on other aspects of my life in addition to my grief journey... as well as a special section where ryan can write once a week.
so, I am currently in the market for someone to "pimp my blog."
Or... a blog designer.
If you have any suggestions please let me know.
remember: i am a teacher and a widow. money is tight.
3) Figure out finances.
Living paycheck to paycheck is getting old.
Ryan and I have come up with some ideas to try and get out finances better figured out for the year 2012... and one of the goals being for Ryan to pursue a job other than Universal and to get into law school. If he goes to school that will be his full time "job" and I will try to make ends meet on the other end. No matter what I need to get out of debt. My debt isn't much compared to many out there... but enough to make me not like it. Paying off my car and credit card this year is on the top of my list. I just came across the app called mint.com!! I highly recommend it to everyone that is interested in money management. I am kind of obsessed with it. It helps you budget out your fiances and gives you warnings when you go near budget or over it and also offers advice. I check it daily. The best part is that Ryan and I linked our bank accounts ( yes, already) and we are budgeting as a couple and not as individuals. So it takes into account both our ... well... accounts.
4) God/church/bible
Ryan and I have already concluded we need to 1) establish a church 2) pray DAILY 3) read the Bible
One of my favorite things to do with Ryan is pray together. it's a special thing we do at least once a month where we hold hands in bed and pray outloud for each other. It is especially helpful when I am feeling anxious. There is something about coming together and speaking to God as a couple that makes everything seem so much better. It really does put me at ease.
As for church ... the problem we seem to be coming across is the fact that I am non-denominational and ryan is catholic. We don't necessarily always agree on where to go for service. I don't care that he is Catholic at all. I just tend to get bored in Catholic services (not to mention mean glares when I take communion at a Catholic wedding and do not do the whole cross my head, heart thing). So, we might just have to compromise on this one.
5) Get creative!
My creative juices have really been flowing lately! There is soooo much I want to do but of course things that keep me from doing it... money and time being the prime suspects. So, I am going to try and set aside one day a week to do something "crafty." Either by myself or with a friend. Doing crafts (or baking, cooking) really helps me release tension and I am hoping that I can also use craft skills to bless others when it comes time to birthdays, parties, etc. I mean, I always love getting handmade things from people... so I am sure others would like that too.
6) Fall in love every day.
I want to continue the relationship I have with Ryan in the direction that we are going and never take advantage of a single moment.
Widows get a big appreciation at a second shot at love.
We take advantage of every moment, big or small.
We want to make memories everyday. Photos at every event, saying "yes" to any invitations, road trips whenever possible... we want to make sure we live our new lives to the fullest.
I am hoping that everyone would do this.... and not have to be a widow to learn to do so. Luckily, I have always lived by that mantra.
7) Family and Friends
2011 brought me closer to a lot of people.
Sadly, I lost a few friendships along the way. Some have not completely disappeared. They have faded. They still linger there but are not the same as they were before.
Now i have new ones to work on.
New people to care for and love.
And there is always my family... who I always feel the need to stay connected with as possible. The longer time goes by the farther apart everyone spreads so keeping in touch has been a challenge. I want to try and visit EVERYONE this year. i feel bad because Kristi was once again left out... mainly because she is the most expensive to visit. So, I want to make sure she becomes a priority.
In June Ryan and I wrote a list of goals.
We got to review them and edit them tonight.
After 6 months we accomplished a little... but not as much as I wanted to.
I will perhaps post them sometime this week... they are our "official" resolutions. I can then continue to track them and watch to see if we obtain the goals we are setting out for ourselves.
My advice to everyone is... go ahead and make a resolution.
Don't worry about what those pretentious people say about you not having to do it on Jan 1. I think Jan 1 is a fine day to make a resolution. (not to mention it's easier to track). (not to mention it's easier to obtain things like finances and weight management now that the holidays are over).
And here is to the year 2012....
may it be filled with happiness, health and love... lots and lots of love.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Where are you, Christmas?
It's been hard to update my blog this month.
After the stress of my school concert (which went fine) I entered the last days of school... which went by about as slow as one could imagine. When you are a teacher I swear you are counting down the days for a break more than the students.
Then... it's been full speed ever since.
I thought things would cool down after that but they didn't.
It's been good things mostly.
Parties, family events, get togethers, etc. etc.
Our calendar has been jam packed with so much to do... and usually I am the type of person that craves that "go, go, go" rush. But, I am ready to relax a bit and enjoy some down time. I need that break. I need to just to stop and enjoy my time with Ryan.
Our first Christmas together.
How is this Christmas?
How is my second Christmas without John?
How is my first Christmas with Ryan?
What new things have I encountered?
Were there any surprises?
What's life like during the holidays?
1) The holidays have lost their magic.
I blame this partially on FLORIDA.
Being in FL for Christmas is a total joke. For some people going outside in shorts and a tank top on christmas is a dream come true but for me it just pisses me off. Listening to songs on the radio about snow storms, fireplaces, hot chocolate, etc. just makes me want to scream. I am blasting my A/C at full speed and rolling my eyes in the car. My closet is a tease. Everytime I walk in there I want to grab a cozy sweater but I feel like i am wearing the same things over and over.... just patiently waiting for an excuse for a cute scarf. *i LOVE scarves*
And, i don't know... I don't feel Christmas.
I don't know if it's because i am a widow.
or if I still have lingering grief.
or if it's because i am not a 9 year old anymore clinging to the mirror looking for rudolph and thinking every blinking red light on a radio tower is him....
I don't know why exactly but it doesn't feel like the christmas i once knew.
i know i am sounding like a faith hill song right now but I would love to have that feeling back.
and I have kind of tricked myself into thinking that won't happen until i have kids of my own.
2) i still miss John.
OF COURSE.
I know this shouldn't really be a surprise...
but this month has been more challenging than the rest. I have thought about him more often than normal (whatever the hell normal is) and I have been crying over him recently. maybe it's all the holiday cheer and warm fuzzy feelings spreading around... but i just miss him. i miss his sweet voice. i miss things he would say to me and i miss the connection we had. i am not at all means trying to say i am unhappy with Ryan....
I am just missing John.
So much so that I had another dream about him the other night that made me very upset when i woke up in the morning.
basically someone told me John was in town and didn't tell me.
I had to investigate and find out where he was staying.
He was with friends and when I stopped by to see him they said he didn't want to talk to me.
He was mad at me for cheating on him or what not....
I finally convinced them to let me in and I sat down with John and he said he was mad I was with Ryan.
I told him he had died and had been gone and i didn't know he was coming back.
He didn't believe me so I spent the next part of my dream giving him the complete play-by-play of the whole day... where he died.
I had to fucking re-live that day in my dream as I told him.
It was fucking awful.
So, John has been invading my thoughts a lot.
I wish I could just pick up the phone to heaven and say hello... just to let him know I am ok... and make sure he isn't actually mad at me. (which i doubt he would be)
3) I made the seay poem.
This is weird but I was anxious about it.
Opening up the red envelope frantically I started to feel my blood rush.
What if this is the year i am not in it?
I was in it.
One paragraph....
even ryan made the poem...
which touched my heart.
It's weird. Isn't it???
To have John's family write a stanza in their poem dedicated to their late son's fiance and her new boyfriend?
yeah, i know.
but somehow it just works out.
and we have learned how to make it less weird.
we are ... the exception.
4) My families are expanding.
I am doing christmas eve with the seays, christmas with Ryan's family and the day after christmas with my family.
then it's my birthday.
holy family.
this part makes me smile.
i love that i have so many to love.
i just wish i still had john too.
then it would be pretty much perfect.
two men? yah, wait. oh wow... maybe that would be awkward.
5) My birthday is on Tuesday.
I will be 28.
I am having a dinner with a bunch of friends... i consider myself lucky to have so many that can be there for me.
i just have this sense of unaccomplishment.
in the seay poem it mentioned my job as a band director.
like that's all i have to offer??
I don't want my job to make me who i am.
but then again... what else do I have? What could people jot down when they described me? i know i would want more than "band director" to be used.
I want to be known for so much for than that.
I need this 28th year of my life to be more fulfilling.
But I will also settle for health, love, happiness. i will be happy with those things.
and paying off my loans.
being debt free would be a bonus.
... So the question now may be....
How will my 2012 go?
Where will my journey take me?
I have always been one to look ahead in the far future and think about all the exciting things to come...
but widowhood knocks you down.
it throws you on your back.
the kind where you can't breathe for a little bit... knocks the breath out of you.
it kicks dirt in your face.
on your "plans"
on the coulda' woulda' shoulda' beens.
and so I am going to go ahead and just say...
i'll take it one day at a time.
and that's good enough, my friends.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
hitting milestones
today is thanksgiving.
my second thanksgiving without John.
my first thanksgiving with Ryan.
it got easier. a hell a lot easier than the previous year. in fact, i tried really hard to remember last year's thanksgiving and I really can't recall anything. I know it was tough. I was at the Seays. We ate food... Jim didn't say the prayer.. and everyone was there.
I am thankful the Seays let me and Ryan be part of their holiday.
It's a big deal.
To still be part of that family. i don't know if i will be able to ever thank God enough for the strong bond i have with them.
it wasn't until i got home this evening that i started to get sad. and mostly because i took out a john memory box trying to find something and found myself going through everything... the letters, the cards, the momentos... and then I had a good cry.
before thanksgiving dinner at the seays today i decided a few days ago i would have my own special "mini" thanksgiving with Ryan. i had never made my own thanksgiving dinner... and i was determined to do it. so, we hopped in the car, headed to publix, and picked up a quaint 10 lb. turkey.
we named him "Hank" after the The New Girl thanksgiving episode. I am very proud of myself because everything came out so well. i enjoyed our intimate dinner. it was our first true thanksgiving. in our home. just the two of. today was about family.
it was joining my past with present. and my future.
On Nov. 14 was also a special day.
it was our 9 month dating anniversary.
In 3 months it will be one year. it's really hard to imagine... but, i have to honestly say...
I am happy with Ryan.
And these 9 months with him have been an absolute blessing.
We spent our anniversary weekend at my friend's wedding. It was a beautiful wedding... with lots of friends... although I had a hard time watching her wear my wedding dress. She wore the exact dress I had originally picked out for my marriage with John. I wrote about it in June.
Was it hard? Yes. But, it's just things like this that I am learning to let go. Obviously I will not wear that dress in my future wedding. As much as I love it... I have to let go of it. And Rosie wore it beautifully...
my second thanksgiving without John.
my first thanksgiving with Ryan.
it got easier. a hell a lot easier than the previous year. in fact, i tried really hard to remember last year's thanksgiving and I really can't recall anything. I know it was tough. I was at the Seays. We ate food... Jim didn't say the prayer.. and everyone was there.
I am thankful the Seays let me and Ryan be part of their holiday.
It's a big deal.
To still be part of that family. i don't know if i will be able to ever thank God enough for the strong bond i have with them.
it wasn't until i got home this evening that i started to get sad. and mostly because i took out a john memory box trying to find something and found myself going through everything... the letters, the cards, the momentos... and then I had a good cry.
before thanksgiving dinner at the seays today i decided a few days ago i would have my own special "mini" thanksgiving with Ryan. i had never made my own thanksgiving dinner... and i was determined to do it. so, we hopped in the car, headed to publix, and picked up a quaint 10 lb. turkey.
we named him "Hank" after the The New Girl thanksgiving episode. I am very proud of myself because everything came out so well. i enjoyed our intimate dinner. it was our first true thanksgiving. in our home. just the two of. today was about family.
it was joining my past with present. and my future.
On Nov. 14 was also a special day.
it was our 9 month dating anniversary.
In 3 months it will be one year. it's really hard to imagine... but, i have to honestly say...
I am happy with Ryan.
And these 9 months with him have been an absolute blessing.
We spent our anniversary weekend at my friend's wedding. It was a beautiful wedding... with lots of friends... although I had a hard time watching her wear my wedding dress. She wore the exact dress I had originally picked out for my marriage with John. I wrote about it in June.
Was it hard? Yes. But, it's just things like this that I am learning to let go. Obviously I will not wear that dress in my future wedding. As much as I love it... I have to let go of it. And Rosie wore it beautifully...
After the wedding we spent the rest of our weekend in st. augustine. a frequent place visited by me and John.
and a place i enjoy with ryan now.
i love st. augustine.
i honestly can never get enough of the place. it's such a beautiful, cute city and has a small town charm with adult things to do... great food... great drinks... i love it. and the best part is sharing my love for that city with my new love, ryan. :)
One day I was sitting on the couch and counting the days from Ryan's birthday (Oct. 16) and got to the number 18.
I looked at Ryan and started to cry.
"You are one day older than John..."
He looked back at me and said "I know."
We had both been secretly thinking about that.
About Ryan outliving John.
And making it past day 17.
And he did.
I am in new territory with him. Days beyond what John got to live.
It's hard. It's weird.
But it's also a relief... that he's still here with me. And each day continues to be a blessing.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
bah-humbug!!!!
the holidays are stressing me out.
and they always used to be such a highlight of the year.
family, friends, gifts, food, fun, festivities, parties, laughs, birthdays, etc. etc.
those were the times when i had stars in my eyes.
and everything still had it's holiday magic.
and now it feels lost.
My holidays have lost their magic.
their allure.
I find myself stressing this year more than ever.
One would think that last year would have been more stressful because it was my first year without John. But, my family and John's family had open arms and everyone got together for each other. This year feels very different... and it's my first Thanksgiving and Christmas with Ryan.
so, you would think adding him into the picture would be a given. have dinner with his family.
minor problem.
Ryan's parents just went through a separation last month.
now it's awkward... his mom is living with a friend and his dad moved to gainesville.
I mean, which parent would we go spend time with?
We considered Vegas with my sister. Then with the price of plane tix and the fact that Ryan has a lame job where he doesn't know his schedule until a week ahead of time and the fact that he works for a company that works through holidays... who knows if he will even have time off. Which brings up another point of how I am STILL very bitter at Waldorf for scheduling John for EVERY holiday before he died. Even though John filled out a request for his top 3 and they "promised" one of them. so, after being stripped from that precious time with him... I will be damned if Universal does the same thing to Ryan.
And as much as it may seem weird for most people... I still want to have my Thanksgiving with the Seays. They are, afterall, still my family. And they are a connected family and not divided by divorce or separation. It makes me feel whole when I am around them. Like they are part of my missing puzzle piece.
I think a large facet of this whole thing has to do with the fact that from the age of three years old I was raised ALONE with my dad.
I never had the big family dinners (until my brother and sister in law eventually had kids and the family grew...) But as time went on and I went to college... I lost all of that. I remember the times when I didn't even get to go home for Thanksgiving because i was tied to the marching band and the ultimate rivalry game of FSU vs. UF. So when I graduated and John and I would sit around and spend out holidays with brothers and sisters and friends and parents and nephews and nieces... it was like a perfect holiday for me. It was the stuff I had always dreamed about.
The stuff you see in those cheesy publix commercials.
This year i questioned whether or not I would be invited to any of the holiday stuff.
I ran it by Jim (John's dad) that I would stop by and of course, he welcomed me. I get nervous to ask them to be part of things... like maybe they don't want me to be a part of anything anymore. That maybe eventually I will be pushed out of the picture. But, even for Halloween I went over and trick or treated with the boys and when I go to their place there are still pictures up of me and John.. and I find comfort in that they still consider me a part of their lives.
But a part of me feels torn by my dad and Ryan's mom. (both rely on US for their plans).
I feel bad that I really don't have much to offer them.
I haven't made any plans.
And how awkward to invite Ryan's mom to my late fiance's family's house for thanksgiving.
Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
see what i am talking about??????
I honestly want to just... sit down... go online and find the cheapest flight to ANYWHERE and book a flight, a hotel, and just go away. Just me and Ryan.
No more worrying or thinking.
I don't want to deal with any of the planning or thinking or hurting feelings or having my feelings hurt. All I have ever wanted was to be surrounded by my favorite people during the holidays. I wanted to feel the warmth of family and the casual chats of "how are you and what have you been up to." Heaping plates of food and sharing funny stories. Watching football on TV or exchanging funny YouTube videos ( a favorite between me and John's sister, Annie).
Of course, I really long for the day when I can start my own family.
my own traditions and all.
Gathering around.
And teaching my children about what it means to be together.
And give them something I never really had growing up.
And what I lost along the way.
and they always used to be such a highlight of the year.
family, friends, gifts, food, fun, festivities, parties, laughs, birthdays, etc. etc.
those were the times when i had stars in my eyes.
and everything still had it's holiday magic.
and now it feels lost.
My holidays have lost their magic.
their allure.
I find myself stressing this year more than ever.
One would think that last year would have been more stressful because it was my first year without John. But, my family and John's family had open arms and everyone got together for each other. This year feels very different... and it's my first Thanksgiving and Christmas with Ryan.
so, you would think adding him into the picture would be a given. have dinner with his family.
minor problem.
Ryan's parents just went through a separation last month.
now it's awkward... his mom is living with a friend and his dad moved to gainesville.
I mean, which parent would we go spend time with?
We considered Vegas with my sister. Then with the price of plane tix and the fact that Ryan has a lame job where he doesn't know his schedule until a week ahead of time and the fact that he works for a company that works through holidays... who knows if he will even have time off. Which brings up another point of how I am STILL very bitter at Waldorf for scheduling John for EVERY holiday before he died. Even though John filled out a request for his top 3 and they "promised" one of them. so, after being stripped from that precious time with him... I will be damned if Universal does the same thing to Ryan.
And as much as it may seem weird for most people... I still want to have my Thanksgiving with the Seays. They are, afterall, still my family. And they are a connected family and not divided by divorce or separation. It makes me feel whole when I am around them. Like they are part of my missing puzzle piece.
I think a large facet of this whole thing has to do with the fact that from the age of three years old I was raised ALONE with my dad.
I never had the big family dinners (until my brother and sister in law eventually had kids and the family grew...) But as time went on and I went to college... I lost all of that. I remember the times when I didn't even get to go home for Thanksgiving because i was tied to the marching band and the ultimate rivalry game of FSU vs. UF. So when I graduated and John and I would sit around and spend out holidays with brothers and sisters and friends and parents and nephews and nieces... it was like a perfect holiday for me. It was the stuff I had always dreamed about.
The stuff you see in those cheesy publix commercials.
This year i questioned whether or not I would be invited to any of the holiday stuff.
I ran it by Jim (John's dad) that I would stop by and of course, he welcomed me. I get nervous to ask them to be part of things... like maybe they don't want me to be a part of anything anymore. That maybe eventually I will be pushed out of the picture. But, even for Halloween I went over and trick or treated with the boys and when I go to their place there are still pictures up of me and John.. and I find comfort in that they still consider me a part of their lives.
But a part of me feels torn by my dad and Ryan's mom. (both rely on US for their plans).
I feel bad that I really don't have much to offer them.
I haven't made any plans.
And how awkward to invite Ryan's mom to my late fiance's family's house for thanksgiving.
Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
see what i am talking about??????
I honestly want to just... sit down... go online and find the cheapest flight to ANYWHERE and book a flight, a hotel, and just go away. Just me and Ryan.
No more worrying or thinking.
I don't want to deal with any of the planning or thinking or hurting feelings or having my feelings hurt. All I have ever wanted was to be surrounded by my favorite people during the holidays. I wanted to feel the warmth of family and the casual chats of "how are you and what have you been up to." Heaping plates of food and sharing funny stories. Watching football on TV or exchanging funny YouTube videos ( a favorite between me and John's sister, Annie).
Of course, I really long for the day when I can start my own family.
my own traditions and all.
Gathering around.
And teaching my children about what it means to be together.
And give them something I never really had growing up.
And what I lost along the way.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
celebrations.
On Sunday is Ryan's birthday.
and it makes me nervous.
because it's our first "big" celebration together.
we have had small holidays here and there.. but we really hadn't anything big.
a birthday, in my eyes, is big.
and then right after come the other biggies... thanksgiving, christtmas, my birthday, new years.
I am so nervous about screwing things up.
I want Ryan to have the perfect first birthday with me.
After all, he's turning 25. a quarter of a century.
the last birthday John spent with me.
he was only 25 for 17 days.
so, Ryan and I will be passing a milestone I had never made with John before. He will surpass John in age. John will be frozen 25 forever. I will age. Ryan will age. Moving forward... always...
And as hard as i have been trying to make this birthday fun and exciting... i feel like no one really wants to be part of it. we started out with a big weekend of halloween horror nights and disney's food and wine. then we decided to just do food and wine and help friends get in with discounts and free tickets.
then I thought ok, that's kind of tough too.
so, lets try a smaller get together. a dinner on friday night.
i made a facebook invite and guess how many people are going so far???
two.
me.
and ryan.
that's fucking it.
and i can't help but feel betrayed sometimes. or like im being avoided. or not a priority.
i feel like i am messing it up.
that ryan's birthday won't be anything special.. even though he swears that even if it were just me and him he would be ok with it.
So, maybe then it will be.
But I want others to be a part of it.
I want others to celebrate with us.
The other night i told ryan about my feelings regarding his upcoming birthday.
and my impending doom to make it perfect.
and then I tried to reach back in my mind to reflect on John's past birthdays. And it was hard. I definitely remember his last one. the one where he proposed. his last birthday on Earth.
And I remember the one where Annie was REALLY pregnant with the twins and was disappointed with his ice cream cake (which was gross and freezer burnt but only Annie would say anything because she was extremely hormonal at the time.) And then it gets blurry. I don't totally remember every birthday.
The best part about his birthdays though was that even if we couldn't do something big with friends we had his family to rely on.
his dad would buy balloons.
there would be decorations in the house.
gifts.
cards.
and always a cake. always.
and at least 8 family members gathered around to sing to you.
and the pressure is on for me to make sure he has a good birthday.
and while i have done everything i can from where i am ... i have passed the ball into other's courts. to my friends, his friends, and our friends.
I just want this birthday to work.
I want it to be special. for Ryan.
I want others to share it with us.
But if it's just the two of us...
then so be it.
...because i have other holidays to stress about now....
...thanksgiving....
christmas....
damn it.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
My heath, dad's health, Ryan's help.
Lets start off with a big THANK YOU JESUS to my dad's recent health news.
A couple of weeks ago my dad passed out on a Friday night at his house... I was told by my Aunt Larue he was out for about 15 minutes. being unconscious for that long is NO GOOD. My other aunt found him and called the ambulance.
Now... keep in mind that this happened on FRIDAY night.
When did Autumn get a phone call????
Sunday night.
My dad waited two days to tell me because he didn't want me freaking out.
i am the delicate flower after all.
everyone is very cautious with me.
and i understand.
i am an emotional volcano ready to explode at any moment.
i am by no means "dormant."
but.
you can't just hold off important information like that from me.
so, not only was I upset because my dad was in the hospital... but i was upset because it was kept from me.
I had to get all my updates from aunts, sisters, and brothers.
dad would never tell me anything directly.
apparently he may have suffered a mini stroke. that's what an aunt had said.. and a sister. but i am still not 100% sure.
he broke some ribs during his fall and had to get stitches in his foot and his finger.
What was supposed to be a couple days turned into ONE WEEK as doctors poked and proded to find out what had happened. Thank GOD everything came back ok.
His heart is fine.
His nervous system is fine.
Just a little high blood pressure... which i would expect from my stress ball of a dad.
And a bit of high cholesterol. which actually was surprising cause he's mr. "nutrition." or at least he comes off that way when he tells me i need to lose weight all the time.
it was such a stressful week for me.
my dad raised me my whole life.
he is IT.
he was the best man in my life until John.
and then until Ryan.
I am his baby girl.
i am his youngest.
he is my daddy.
and the last thing i needed was to lose someone else in my life.
i just know i can't handle it right now.
i just know it will crush me.
and so, I am thankful for the break.
I am thankful my dad is here and healthy and safe.
I really want to hold his arm when I walk down the aisle one day.
whenever that day may be....
and then there's me.
a wreck to say the least.
emotionally more than anything.
my anxiety and depression wears down on me all the time. it keeps me from sleeping, from eating healthy, from enjoying activities... it's a pain in the ass.
So when physical symptoms pose a problem.... i freak out.
I am VERY cautious of feelings of sickness now.
almost to an extreme.
but i do the best i can to eliminate things on my own.
lately i have been having a constricting, tight feeling in my throat.
it reminds me of my freshman year in college where i had trouble in my throat to the point of suffocating... and had to get a shot in my ass at the ER. it was a memorable night for me and the 5 friends that joined me at 2am the night before we left for the sugar bowl with chiefs.
but this time it isn't quite as extreme. i can breathe... but swallowing is a bit of a challenge.
it's on and off.
sometimes i get it and sometimes i don't. BUT IT DRIVES ME CRAZY!!!!
and as much as i try and resist this... i turn to Google and webMD. WORST DECISIONS EVER. They will make you feel like you have the worst illness/disease ever. You will turn off your computer thinking you are dying.
so. i decided i am no expert and went to the doctor last night. just a walk in Urgent care.
After checking out my throat and ears they suggested a GI specialist... cause most likely it's my esophogas. (sp??) awesome.
but.. the doctor just asked if i wanted a steroid shot just in case.
i figured it work in college and it would work again.
wrong.
VERY PAINFUL SHOT.
no help for my throat.
so. now i have a tight throat and a throbbing ass. lovely.
My GI appt. is next week. I will keep you updated. I really hope
Ryan has been a saint during EVERYTHING. He went with me to LW to visit my dad... and didn't judge me for the town i grew up in. come on, lake wales has it's small town charm. i just couldn't ever live there again. ever.
he went back with me for father's dad to see my dad again since he wasn't supposed to be driving. well, supposed to be. obviously he didn't care because i heard through the grapevine he was driving the next day! dad!!!!!!
it was neat... having a three family father's day. it was somewhat like christmas... visiting one family after the next.
i guess i always wanted a big family.
and now i have it.
the morning started off with ryan's family and we had a grill out lunch with his parents and brother and his wife.
then we headed over to the Seays for a joint james and Matthew birthday and father's day. I love how comfortable Ryan is with John's family. it's a rare dynamic that we have in our lives but he totally gets why i love them so much. and they really like him too. (phew)
the last part of the day was spent in LW with my dad.
all in all it was a good day. as we rode home we both were rather happy. there's nothing like spending quality time with the people you love. and i got a lot of love that day. and i got to share that love with everyone. i love family.
and ryan turned to me and told me how much he enjoyed it too.
i think we both long for that family affection.
and i know we both look forward to starting our own one day.
but right now we are enjoying the family of us right now.
me and ryan.
i like our relationship.
i like where it's headed.
especially since as of sunday we are officially in ...
OUR VERY OWN PLACE!
We signed the lease and moved in on Sunday and even though it's a disaster with boxes everywhere and a ton of unpacking... it's our little 2 bedroom apartment bliss.
no more ghetto apartment complex with weird neighbors.
no more walking up three flights of stairs.
it's a much more peaceful atmosphere.
it a place that is "ours."
and although i am sure many people would be surprised i am moving in with someone after only 4 months of dating. but seriously, he moved in after month 1.
i guess i don't really care.
because it makes me happy.
and that's the part people should care about.
A couple of weeks ago my dad passed out on a Friday night at his house... I was told by my Aunt Larue he was out for about 15 minutes. being unconscious for that long is NO GOOD. My other aunt found him and called the ambulance.
Now... keep in mind that this happened on FRIDAY night.
When did Autumn get a phone call????
Sunday night.
My dad waited two days to tell me because he didn't want me freaking out.
i am the delicate flower after all.
everyone is very cautious with me.
and i understand.
i am an emotional volcano ready to explode at any moment.
i am by no means "dormant."
but.
you can't just hold off important information like that from me.
so, not only was I upset because my dad was in the hospital... but i was upset because it was kept from me.
I had to get all my updates from aunts, sisters, and brothers.
dad would never tell me anything directly.
apparently he may have suffered a mini stroke. that's what an aunt had said.. and a sister. but i am still not 100% sure.
he broke some ribs during his fall and had to get stitches in his foot and his finger.
What was supposed to be a couple days turned into ONE WEEK as doctors poked and proded to find out what had happened. Thank GOD everything came back ok.
His heart is fine.
His nervous system is fine.
Just a little high blood pressure... which i would expect from my stress ball of a dad.
And a bit of high cholesterol. which actually was surprising cause he's mr. "nutrition." or at least he comes off that way when he tells me i need to lose weight all the time.
it was such a stressful week for me.
my dad raised me my whole life.
he is IT.
he was the best man in my life until John.
and then until Ryan.
I am his baby girl.
i am his youngest.
he is my daddy.
and the last thing i needed was to lose someone else in my life.
i just know i can't handle it right now.
i just know it will crush me.
and so, I am thankful for the break.
I am thankful my dad is here and healthy and safe.
I really want to hold his arm when I walk down the aisle one day.
whenever that day may be....
and then there's me.
a wreck to say the least.
emotionally more than anything.
my anxiety and depression wears down on me all the time. it keeps me from sleeping, from eating healthy, from enjoying activities... it's a pain in the ass.
So when physical symptoms pose a problem.... i freak out.
I am VERY cautious of feelings of sickness now.
almost to an extreme.
but i do the best i can to eliminate things on my own.
lately i have been having a constricting, tight feeling in my throat.
it reminds me of my freshman year in college where i had trouble in my throat to the point of suffocating... and had to get a shot in my ass at the ER. it was a memorable night for me and the 5 friends that joined me at 2am the night before we left for the sugar bowl with chiefs.
but this time it isn't quite as extreme. i can breathe... but swallowing is a bit of a challenge.
it's on and off.
sometimes i get it and sometimes i don't. BUT IT DRIVES ME CRAZY!!!!
and as much as i try and resist this... i turn to Google and webMD. WORST DECISIONS EVER. They will make you feel like you have the worst illness/disease ever. You will turn off your computer thinking you are dying.
so. i decided i am no expert and went to the doctor last night. just a walk in Urgent care.
After checking out my throat and ears they suggested a GI specialist... cause most likely it's my esophogas. (sp??) awesome.
but.. the doctor just asked if i wanted a steroid shot just in case.
i figured it work in college and it would work again.
wrong.
VERY PAINFUL SHOT.
no help for my throat.
so. now i have a tight throat and a throbbing ass. lovely.
My GI appt. is next week. I will keep you updated. I really hope
Ryan has been a saint during EVERYTHING. He went with me to LW to visit my dad... and didn't judge me for the town i grew up in. come on, lake wales has it's small town charm. i just couldn't ever live there again. ever.
he went back with me for father's dad to see my dad again since he wasn't supposed to be driving. well, supposed to be. obviously he didn't care because i heard through the grapevine he was driving the next day! dad!!!!!!
it was neat... having a three family father's day. it was somewhat like christmas... visiting one family after the next.
i guess i always wanted a big family.
and now i have it.
the morning started off with ryan's family and we had a grill out lunch with his parents and brother and his wife.
then we headed over to the Seays for a joint james and Matthew birthday and father's day. I love how comfortable Ryan is with John's family. it's a rare dynamic that we have in our lives but he totally gets why i love them so much. and they really like him too. (phew)
the last part of the day was spent in LW with my dad.
all in all it was a good day. as we rode home we both were rather happy. there's nothing like spending quality time with the people you love. and i got a lot of love that day. and i got to share that love with everyone. i love family.
and ryan turned to me and told me how much he enjoyed it too.
i think we both long for that family affection.
and i know we both look forward to starting our own one day.
but right now we are enjoying the family of us right now.
me and ryan.
i like our relationship.
i like where it's headed.
especially since as of sunday we are officially in ...
OUR VERY OWN PLACE!
We signed the lease and moved in on Sunday and even though it's a disaster with boxes everywhere and a ton of unpacking... it's our little 2 bedroom apartment bliss.
no more ghetto apartment complex with weird neighbors.
no more walking up three flights of stairs.
it's a much more peaceful atmosphere.
it a place that is "ours."
and although i am sure many people would be surprised i am moving in with someone after only 4 months of dating. but seriously, he moved in after month 1.
i guess i don't really care.
because it makes me happy.
and that's the part people should care about.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
white/black christmas
It's 10:50pm. I guess I can go ahead and safely say I survived my first Christmas without John. I never would have thought this in April... or May or even in November.
I have been reading a wonderful book lately which I recommend to all young widows: I'm Grieving As Fast As I Can. The book has many relevant chapters and a lot of useful information. It's a book especially made for YOUNG widows... which I find EXTREMELY important. There have been so many books I have read that generalize all the grief into one category. But grief comes in many shapes and sizes. And I believe young widows fall into their own special category. Because we are different. Our lives had just begun with our loved one. We still had many things to accomplish with them. Some of us were looking forward to our first wedding anniversary, to a wedding at all, to having babies, etc. Anyway, in this book they have a chapter called Holidays. It gives an insight to many things... how to make it more bearable, how to start new traditions, etc. One thing it mentions is something I have been aware of already... but never experienced to quite the level I did until this holiday. It's called Anticipation.
For a widow... or anyone experiencing a loss... the anticipation of an event.
And it's VERY true. I have freaked out more the days before an event than on the day of. And I think Christmas was one of my worst. Although most wouldn't be able to tell. It's haunted me. Yesterday was Christmas Eve. The worst day in a long time. It wasn't just the missing John part... but the heightened DEPRESSION. I felt horrible and sad... and just plain miserable. Everywhere around me people were jolly and in the spirit of Christmas. I tried to find someone that stood out. Someone that was miserable like me. Not happening. Apparently no one else in this town lost the love of their life this year too? Seriously? Can someone please just sit and cry with me..?
We went to Christmas Eve service. The one like I used to go to EVERY year with John and his dad. It was a candlelight service. Just like the one we used to go to. As the carols began everyone started to sing. I didn't. Then everyone stood. I didn't. I couldn't understand how everyone was standing... how they could sing out when John wasn't there. How can I be living in this pain alone? Why was everyone so happy? Why was I out and about anyway? How could I possibly think this was a good idea? But, I was out. I was with my family. I am alive. So, I forced myself to stand. I sang a couple carols... the last one being "Silent Night." I cried because this was the last carol we would sing at John's church. The same church where hundreds gathered for his memorial service. The same one where we would hold hands in the dark and hold our dripping candles while I sang in harmony to Silent Night. Well, while I sang the harmony.
When I left the service I found Karen (my sister in law) and I hugged her and cried and cried. I cried loud. I didn't care who heard. After all... I was in a church. If there is anywhere where this was accepted it was at a church. Yet, I couldn't help but feel maybe I was putting a kink in someone's holly jolly.
To be honest I was a huge grump yesterday. I was a typical scrooge. I was short tempered, moody, and lazy. I mainly slept in a bed most of the day. I tried to imagine what Christmas would be like without John. And I sat and thought about my past Christmases with John. I did all I could to not get upset about the Christmases I COULD have had with John. But, no joy. They come in waves. The what ifs. The might have beens. Oh my God, why?
Christmas came today. No one could stop it. Not even me and all my tears.
The holiday I used to anticipate with great joy... now anticipated with great fear!
But of course it wasn't as bad as yesterday. It went by smoother than i thought. It still sucked. It still brought pain... but I have to be grateful that I had my family to keep my thoughts away from the darkness. I still received gifts. I still gave away gifts. Something I told myself I wouldn't do.
And then a sort of miracle of a thing happened.
Something I had wanted to happen...
it snowed.
It hasn't snowed on Christmas in Raleigh, NC since 1947. The first white Christmas in over 60 years.
And it did.
For me.
Well, I believe.
And as much as it disheartens me to know that John wasn't here to experience it with me... I find comfort in that ... maybe he had something to do with it?
And then there's a part of me... that once again realizes... I'm not alone.
I made sure to contact all my friends today that have lost someone. That can make me realize that I am not alone. That we all survived this day together. That we are stronger than we think. Not because we want to be. Because we have to be. Because we choose to live and give it all we got. We have all made a decision that we don't want to give up on the life we were given. We all have chosen to honor our loved ones by living the life they would want us to live. Because their number one goal was for us to be happy.
My heart is saddened by the holiday. But I know how pleased John would be of me to have made it through. He loved my nieces. He loved my family. He would want me to enjoy my time with them. I know he would. But I think he would understand that my heart aches for him. It's hard to imagine never having another Christmas with him.
No more giving him useless gifts he would use once and never touch again or never at all.
No more Bulgari cologne to buy.
No more watching John staple the cord on the Christmas lights and ruining them all.
No more watching John hold his nephews up so they can reach the top of the tree to hang their ornaments.
I don't think I am ready to accept it.
I know I should.
It's called denial.
Yep, I guess I am still there.
"Like a million parachutes
The snow's coming down
I'll lock up the front door
And turn the lights down
In the glow of the street lights
I see them descend
Like a million parachutes
Small men on a mission"
The snow's coming down
I'll lock up the front door
And turn the lights down
In the glow of the street lights
I see them descend
Like a million parachutes
Small men on a mission"
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
So, this is Christmas?
In the past I have had dreams where it is the day before Christmas and I hadn't bought a single gift for anyone. I struggled to go out and find things and ended up getting nothing by the time the holiday rolled around. Apparently, this is a fear of mine.
But this year.... I am living the dream.
Christmas is only a couple days away and I am no way prepared for it. Any gifts I have bought have been totally sporadic. I had told myself ahead of time that I wasn't going to worry about Christmas at all this year. That I didn't want annything because I wasn't going to get anything for anyone else. Alas, I lied. But, I don't have a list this year (we all know how much I love lists) and I didn't really make it a goal to get everyone a gift. It's not me being rude or thoughtless. I am just going with the flow. If I hop into a store and something strikes me... I will get it for someone and be done with it. But, I don't make it a mission this year to go out and get everyone their specific things. To just lay it out plain and simple: Christmas this year blows.
It has definitely lost it's magic. It's spirit. Whatever.
My first holiday season as a widow is exactly the way other widows before me have described it. Awful.
It doesn't mean I am not enjoying the company of my family and friends. It doesn't mean I dont crave the traditions or the shopping. It just means that I have to try extra hard to be in that spirit. And I have to say I have done a pretty damn good job. I have kept together nicely... and I save most of my breakdowns for times when I am alone.
I just won't mind when this Christmas passes.
I will gladly wave 2010 goodbye...
and pray and hope that 2011 will show some grace.
Today I took a really long nap.
I had ANOTHER John dream. So far I have had John dreams everytime I have slept so far here in NC. But, there was something different about this one. He wasn't leaving me. Most of my John dreams consist of John letting go of me... either he is dying or breaking up with me. It's like my brain is re-hashing it all over and over. But, in this dream... we danced. He looked great! I was completely happy. It really had a happy ending. And when I woke up I contemplated reality. It takes about 5 minutes for my thoughts to adjust. No, John isn't there. Yes, that was just a dream. Yes, that really sucked. No, I can't go back to sleep to see him again.
John lives in my dreams. He is created nightly by my mind. He is no longer a thing to be seen or touched... only imagined and remembered. How odd is that?
And his memories are all around... even here. All the girls (my nieces) have pictures of John in their room. There is this one in Kalee's room that is my absolute favorite. It's of her and John on a carousel in Universal. They are both smiling. She framed it. It makes me smile... and sometimes sad.
Outside is John's apple tree. It looks soo pathetic right now. It looks dead to be honest. But, I am hoping that it's just the winter appearance it has taken on. Apparently it blooms every spring and produces apples. (ok, like 2. the size of golf balls)
Brielle is laying with Xander (bloodhound) next to the fireplace. They are asleep. John and Zion used to sleep next to the fireplace together. I always thought it was so sweet... so cute... so typical of John to fall asleep there. He could sleep anywhere, actually.
I guess I still can't believe this is Christmas.
I made to Christmas? Without John? How was this possible?
Today is 8 months.
I am completely still in love with John.
Every ounce of my being still misses him.
He should be here. It's Christmas. It's family time. He was my family. He was going to be my husband. We should have been hanging our "first christmas" ornament together on the tree. We should have been buying our monogrammed "S" towels and talking about 2011... and trying for a baby!!
I hate that this widow experience has ruined things for me... like Christmas... like weddings... like parties and social events...
this isn't me. but it is. now.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Honorary Seay
I have made my way back to my second home: North Carolina.
I am in a familiar place with familiar, loving faces. My brother, my sister-in-law and my 3 nieces. I also met up with my dad and puppy here. That's right... my dad took Lily up on his own and now has declared I will no be getting her back. ha.
I usually make my way up here for he holidays. Last year the family actually came to me for Christmas. But, even when I would fly up here (with John) we always left in time to have Christmas Eve and Christmas with John's family. It will be weird... not going to their house for Christmas. I will not be in Florida until Dec. 28... the day after my birthday. I will not be attending the Christmas Eve dinner with the Seays or attending the Christmas Eve service with John's dad at his church. Where we sing Silent Night holding candles in the dark and everyone doesn't know the second and third verses. And John rolls his eyes as I sing in harmony. :) I will not be waking up in the Seay house this year and watching the boys unwrap their gifts.... or doing my gift exchange with my secret Santa. It's all changing. Although I am with my family here... I am still leaving behind my family there. It really makes me feel torn. I always felt that way at Christmas anyway. But, I just wanted to make John happy. I wanted to experience a big family Christmas. And it makes me so sad to know that I lost part of that.
But... I have something to be thankful for. Something I feel many widows don't have to be thankful for. I am still VERY close with John's family. I have met many who have lost their spouse/boyfriend/fiance and have found that the relationship with the family of their loved one have dramatically deminished if not completely fallen apart. Death can turn people against one another. People want to point blame. They want to ignore what happened. They want to disconnect from the reminder of their loss. And often times that means disconnecting from the person that was closest to them. Their wife. Their fiance. Theiur girlfriend. It's a tragic story. But one I am thankfully not having to experience. I think the bond that I created with John's family before his death has reflected a lot in the relationship I have with him after his death. I mean., this was like my second family. I lived with them. I took family vacations with them. When they did something as a family... I was right there with them... holding on to John's arm. A big part of why our relationship has stayed so strong is because the type of people John's family is. They are some of the most loving, thoughtful, sacrificing people you will meet on this planet. Especially Jim Seay.
When I went over for Jim's birthday the other day I was immediately greeted with a hug as I entered the house. Then Jim asked me if I wanted to take a ride with him to pick up the boys. In the car Jim started to burst into tears and let me know he was having a hard day. He said all he wanted for his birthday was John. I lost it two. And there we were. A familiar picture. Jim and Autumn crying together. We are comfortable doing this. We aren't ashamed. We know that it's ok to cry... and then we quickly try to compose ourselves. We picked up the boys and then went back to the house for birthday festivities. Whenever we have our family gatherings now there is just something missing. Obviously John. It's so obvious. It's on everyone's mind. And it drives me crazy that it isn't mentioned. I just want to scream it out sometimes "anyone else notice who's missing????" I always feel like John needs to be recognized. That he's being left out and forgotten. He should be there celebrating with us.
During gift opening I had a mild breakdown. I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for about 15 minutes. What set me off? A gift Sarah had made for Jim... DVD's that were a compilation of all their VHS tapes of home videos. Many were of the kids... younger versions of John, Annie, Billy and Henry. Although I did not know this younger version of John Seay... it reminded me of how he was gone. And what remained were things such as these. Video tapes. Proving his existence. John used to always talk about these video tapes and we were always supposed to watch them together and laugh. I cannot imagine the strength it will take for any of his family members to watch these now. For it is something I would not be able to do yet.
When it was time for me to leave Jim walked me outside to the car and hugged me. We sobbed some more and I told him how thankful I was and how lucky I was to have them still in my life. I explained not everyone had that. Jim then told me something that was very insightful. He told me that when he got to Heaven and stood face to face with his son that he would want him to be proud of the way he took care of me and treated me. Jim feels like taking care of me is something that John would want him to do. And I know that John would want me to take care of his family too. And it makes sense. John would never want us to lose the bond it took so many years to create. They are my family. They will always be my family. John is our link and he will remain a strong link throughout my lifetime. Thank God for that. I honestly don't know what I would do without his family. I would surely be lost and I would WAY behind in this journey and process. I know I would be a complete mess without their support and love. How could anyone else be so heartless? How could others turn their backs on those who were loved by their sons? It just doesn't make sense. Wouldn't they want to honor their sons by continuing that love that their child had displayed for another? Wouldn't they see the example that was set before them? How selfish and cold can someone possibly be to cut off this person from their lives? It really sickens me.
I have started reading a book titled "Im grieving as Fast as I can." FINALLY! A book for YOUNG widows! So far everything I have read I can relate to. If you are a young widow I am telling you right now... GET THIS BOOK. You can get it for really cheap on half.com. I think I got mine for 1.50. No kidding. I even bought one for my friend Andi. I am going to post some things from the book later and bring up some interesting points from it. Some things I feel need to be shared.
Update on John's Quilt: I have reached $1000 towards John's quilts!!! I am a few hundred away from covering costs so for that I am very pleased. Thank you to all that have helped me. You don't know how much I appreciate it. I do my best to try and return the favors. Once the quilts are in I will show a list of all donors. It's amazing how many people have helped out. I will forever be grateful. You all are my rock.
Update on mole removal: I removed stitches on my own. I'm sso brave. It was no big deal. And they were ready to go. It's healing nice... still some bruising and swelling. But, it's not as noticeable. For only being 4 days I am impressed so far. I will post a before and after pic soon :)
Update on tattoo: Was supposed to get it yesterday but Andi couldn't go with me. I will get it after the winter break.
Update on birthday: Please join me on Dec. 29th at Columbia restaurant in Celebration at 6:30pm for my birthday dinner.
Only a few more days of surviving the holidays. Then surviving my birthday. Then surviving new years... and ringing OUT 2010.
Really, let's just get this over with.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Thanksgiving
I survived my first Thanksgiving without John.
I can't say that I am proud... because that just sounds weird. Maybe I am a bit relieved? That I didn't have a complete breakdown in front of his family.
I stayed at his parents all day.
It felt just like the Thanksgivings we have had before. The same faces. The same food. The same house and same decorations. But. It was also very different. You could see it in everyone;s faces. But no one said it. No one said John's name. Not even during the prayer. (which John's dad couldn't do and passed it on to Liz's mom).
But we all felt his absence.
It was a gaping hole.
Last year John came to Thanksgiving late because he had to work in the morning.
So, around the time he came home last year was the time I started to yearn.
Please, God.
Please have his gray Cadillac pull up in the driveway and let John walk through the door with his tie loose and blue work shirt untucked and jacket in arms. I would have made him a plate. But, the reality of it was he wasn't coming to dinner.
I got kind of upset. That no one mentioned him.
I guess I need to understand that not everyone can handle that right now... but for me... I needed to hear his name more than ever. I needed to to know that I wasn't the only one that was writhing in his absence. I needed to be assured that no one had forgotten. That he existed. At one point I took a nap with Annie and brought it up. As we both drifted off to sleep I had tears drip off my nose. He wasn't forgotten. He was on everyone's minds... and everyone in the house felt his absence.
Thanksgiving came and went.
I ate a lot of food. I talked with John's family. I shared stories.
By the time I left and got in my car... it was over. And I lost it. I cried all the way home. All the feelings I held in all day came out on my 30 minute drive home. Not the safest place to let it all out... but where I tend to do most of my crying anyway.
I got home. I went to sleep. For a short while.
I woke up multiple times during the night with horrible dreams, night sweats and numbness in my body. Probably from anxiety. Of course they were thoughts about John. He had invaded my mind all day so I knew he would be slipping into my dreams. It hurts to dream about John. Mainly to wake up and realize he isn't there.
In the end I survived. I made it to the day after Thanksgiving.
I can't say that I am proud... because that just sounds weird. Maybe I am a bit relieved? That I didn't have a complete breakdown in front of his family.
I stayed at his parents all day.
It felt just like the Thanksgivings we have had before. The same faces. The same food. The same house and same decorations. But. It was also very different. You could see it in everyone;s faces. But no one said it. No one said John's name. Not even during the prayer. (which John's dad couldn't do and passed it on to Liz's mom).
But we all felt his absence.
It was a gaping hole.
Last year John came to Thanksgiving late because he had to work in the morning.
So, around the time he came home last year was the time I started to yearn.
Please, God.
Please have his gray Cadillac pull up in the driveway and let John walk through the door with his tie loose and blue work shirt untucked and jacket in arms. I would have made him a plate. But, the reality of it was he wasn't coming to dinner.
I got kind of upset. That no one mentioned him.
I guess I need to understand that not everyone can handle that right now... but for me... I needed to hear his name more than ever. I needed to to know that I wasn't the only one that was writhing in his absence. I needed to be assured that no one had forgotten. That he existed. At one point I took a nap with Annie and brought it up. As we both drifted off to sleep I had tears drip off my nose. He wasn't forgotten. He was on everyone's minds... and everyone in the house felt his absence.
Thanksgiving came and went.
I ate a lot of food. I talked with John's family. I shared stories.
By the time I left and got in my car... it was over. And I lost it. I cried all the way home. All the feelings I held in all day came out on my 30 minute drive home. Not the safest place to let it all out... but where I tend to do most of my crying anyway.
I got home. I went to sleep. For a short while.
I woke up multiple times during the night with horrible dreams, night sweats and numbness in my body. Probably from anxiety. Of course they were thoughts about John. He had invaded my mind all day so I knew he would be slipping into my dreams. It hurts to dream about John. Mainly to wake up and realize he isn't there.
In the end I survived. I made it to the day after Thanksgiving.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
home
I am flying back home today. Of course I will miss the time I spent here with my sister but I am also longing to be "home." It's hard for me to call my apartment my home still. A home doesn't feel so homey when it's just you. When I thought of home I thought about coming home to someone... "honey I'm HOME."
I will get home late tonight and open the door to an empty apartment... except for my little fluffball. She will be there greeting me happily I am sure.
I am so thankful to the people that took care of her while I was gone. Thank you Dina and Emily.
Tomorrow I will be going to a place I think is more home to me.
I am having Thanksgiving with John's family. My family.
I lived at that house for a couple years. It's my home.
When I moved out this summer and into my own apartment I really felt like I was losing my home. I felt misplaced. And that feeling has barely gone away. I have gotten a little more comfortable with my place. I do what I want with it... I have decorated it the way I like. I feel relaxed when I come home from work and prop my feet up on the couch and watch all the things I DVR'd. It's hard to believe I am living on my own.
I haven't lived truly alone since 2003 when I had a dorm to myself. And even then I was deeply depressed by it.
I am pleased to have Dina be my roommate in January! I am not one of those that doesn't like to share my space. I have always liked visitors and living with friends. I have always found it comforting and helpful. Maybe it will inspire me to start cooking again (which I am sure Dina will quite enjoy) and perhaps it will inspire me to get in shape. I think it will be a good thing. I really do. Maybe it will make my place more like a home.
I guess all in all the reason a place doesn't feel like home is I am missing the most important component to it. John.
He was the reason I couldn't WAIT to get home every day after school. He inspired me to cook, clean, decorate, etc. He made me want to make the perfect love nest. I wanted more than nothing but to make him happy. We often spoke of how he needed to become wealthy one day so I could be a housewife (my ultimate job goal. hehe). I wanted to take care of our home and the people in it... including our future children.
Im ready to go home.
I am ready to go back to the moist air of florida (and so is my nose).
I am ready to squeeze my fluffy puppy and kiss the cold nose of my cat.
I am ready to plop down on the couch and read a book or watch TV.
I am ready to see my family tomorrow... even though I am a bit nervous and so sad that it will be another first. My first Thanksgiving without John.
I will get home late tonight and open the door to an empty apartment... except for my little fluffball. She will be there greeting me happily I am sure.
I am so thankful to the people that took care of her while I was gone. Thank you Dina and Emily.
Tomorrow I will be going to a place I think is more home to me.
I am having Thanksgiving with John's family. My family.
I lived at that house for a couple years. It's my home.
When I moved out this summer and into my own apartment I really felt like I was losing my home. I felt misplaced. And that feeling has barely gone away. I have gotten a little more comfortable with my place. I do what I want with it... I have decorated it the way I like. I feel relaxed when I come home from work and prop my feet up on the couch and watch all the things I DVR'd. It's hard to believe I am living on my own.
I haven't lived truly alone since 2003 when I had a dorm to myself. And even then I was deeply depressed by it.
I am pleased to have Dina be my roommate in January! I am not one of those that doesn't like to share my space. I have always liked visitors and living with friends. I have always found it comforting and helpful. Maybe it will inspire me to start cooking again (which I am sure Dina will quite enjoy) and perhaps it will inspire me to get in shape. I think it will be a good thing. I really do. Maybe it will make my place more like a home.
I guess all in all the reason a place doesn't feel like home is I am missing the most important component to it. John.
He was the reason I couldn't WAIT to get home every day after school. He inspired me to cook, clean, decorate, etc. He made me want to make the perfect love nest. I wanted more than nothing but to make him happy. We often spoke of how he needed to become wealthy one day so I could be a housewife (my ultimate job goal. hehe). I wanted to take care of our home and the people in it... including our future children.
Im ready to go home.
I am ready to go back to the moist air of florida (and so is my nose).
I am ready to squeeze my fluffy puppy and kiss the cold nose of my cat.
I am ready to plop down on the couch and read a book or watch TV.
I am ready to see my family tomorrow... even though I am a bit nervous and so sad that it will be another first. My first Thanksgiving without John.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Pre-Thanksgiving thoughts....
This picture was taken at Thanksgiving two years ago. It was the twin's 1st Thanksgiving. It was my second to last Thanksgiving with John. This picture makes me smile. John was such a good uncle... he was such a wonderful man to love and had so much love to give. 
This was our last Thanksgiving with John. I remember he had come late because he had to work until 3pm... and so I had to save him a plate. Then we took a boat ride. It was a beautiful day... I remember that much.... and it's hard to believe he won't be here with me this year. With us. His family. That he won't be sitting next to me on a boat with Annie in the back acting out scenes from SNL skits. Jim with his cigar... happy and blessed.Thankful.
I was so thankful.
Do I find it harder to be thankful now?
yes.
honestly.
I have to dig deep. I know I still have so many blessings in my life. But John was one of the biggest blessings I had. And I didn't get the time I wanted with him.
Saturday should be 6 years for us.
And for me... it will be 6 years still. 6 years of loving John. And it will never end. I will always love him.
ilymtli
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
I NEED YOUR HELP!
The t-shirt quilt project.
Many people have asked me how they can help…. And I have never been able to give them much of an answer except “pray for me” or “spend time with me.” But I have come up with a project… something I really want to do… for John’s family and myself. For Christmas I want to give each member of his immediate family (brothers, sister, mom, dad and nephews) a small quilt made from John’s shirts. I rather John’s shirts get use out of them instead of sitting in a dresser or in my closet. I have had one of these quilts made from all my drum corps and college t shirts and I absolutely love it. The company does an awesome job. You can check them out at www.campusquilt.com. I am planning on getting the lap quilts with sashing.
I will be purchasing 8 quilts that each cost $129.00 and an additional $27.00 each for sashing. Also there is a charge for shipping all the materials. The total cost of the project will be $1,408. This is something I cannot afford alone so this is where you can finally help out.
This gift would mean so much to me…. I really, really think it is a great way to remember John and have comfort in times when you want to feel close to him.
If you could help out and donate any amount of money it would be greatly appreciated. I will take pictures of the final projects and send them out as soon as they arrive. I have to send in all the materials by December 1st so I have a time limit.
If you want to mail me your donation you can send it to:
Autumn Hassell
5926 Lake Pointe Village Cir Apt 214
Orlando, FL 32822
Or you always visit me in person…. I would love your company.
Thank you so much for being so caring and supportive during this difficult time in my life. I really think God placed some amazing people by my side and have helped me stay strong while I go through this long journey.
Take care,
Autumn
Many people have asked me how they can help…. And I have never been able to give them much of an answer except “pray for me” or “spend time with me.” But I have come up with a project… something I really want to do… for John’s family and myself. For Christmas I want to give each member of his immediate family (brothers, sister, mom, dad and nephews) a small quilt made from John’s shirts. I rather John’s shirts get use out of them instead of sitting in a dresser or in my closet. I have had one of these quilts made from all my drum corps and college t shirts and I absolutely love it. The company does an awesome job. You can check them out at www.campusquilt.com. I am planning on getting the lap quilts with sashing.
I will be purchasing 8 quilts that each cost $129.00 and an additional $27.00 each for sashing. Also there is a charge for shipping all the materials. The total cost of the project will be $1,408. This is something I cannot afford alone so this is where you can finally help out.
This gift would mean so much to me…. I really, really think it is a great way to remember John and have comfort in times when you want to feel close to him.
If you could help out and donate any amount of money it would be greatly appreciated. I will take pictures of the final projects and send them out as soon as they arrive. I have to send in all the materials by December 1st so I have a time limit.
If you want to mail me your donation you can send it to:
Autumn Hassell
5926 Lake Pointe Village Cir Apt 214
Orlando, FL 32822
Or you always visit me in person…. I would love your company.
Thank you so much for being so caring and supportive during this difficult time in my life. I really think God placed some amazing people by my side and have helped me stay strong while I go through this long journey.
Take care,
Autumn
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Halloween
I didn’t start celebrating Halloween until I was in college… I know, a lot of catching up to do.
And when Andrea, me and Kelly threw our first big Halloween party at our house on Chapel Hill in Tallassee… we wanted it to be spectacular.
And it turned out to be an amazing party. Minus the dry ice that Andrea and Kelly put in the freezer and it magically disappeared. Lol. It was to be used for our famous “witches brew.” That was the year I decided to be a sexy candy corn witch. And I have to admit I looked cute. And this was the beginning of John’s obsession with the banana costume. The previous years he has been in a scream costume with the bass line as well as a dinosaur. Did I mention Dr. Dunnigan had strict rules about costumes at practice on Halloween? That would be my John. Big 8 humor. Not following rules. Gotta love them….
So, sexy witch and banana man.
Which was cool… until John decided to be the banana for the next 4 years… I remember we had a bonfire the first year and the costume was still stained with ash and soot from the fire. But, he kept wearing it. There was a time I as tempted to throw it away (kind of like what I did with any of his sandals or shoes that started to smell really bad). But, I kept it. And then at one party John tried to go to the bathroom with the costume on and accidently peed on it. And that was the end of that.
We did switch it up one time. John used his famous dinosaur costume… which he borrowed from his dad. I remember taking a picture of him with my cell phone when he showed up to chiefs practice with it once. I don’t even know if we were dating then but it was definitely a “no-no” in chiefs. No costumes to practice. Lame, I know.
Our final Halloween together was last year. John came as the Count from Sesame Street. James and Matthew were train conductors and they had trains and everything. It was a big deal. Their first real Halloween. We celebrated by taking the twins out for their first trick or treat and having a party at the house. I was out of ideas and came as a “snuggie.” So creative. Metallica, the basset hound, was yoda. ( I did pull out the ol’ candy corn witch sexy costume and was a bit depressed when I noticed it had “shrunk” a bit since college. I still have it though. Leggings and all. Waiting for me to take a sexy shape once again someday. Yeah right.)
My first Halloween celebrations started in Cawthon... decorating the hallway with giant spiders and cobwebs and making scary haunted houses for local children to be scarred for life by.
And when Andrea, me and Kelly threw our first big Halloween party at our house on Chapel Hill in Tallassee… we wanted it to be spectacular.
And it turned out to be an amazing party. Minus the dry ice that Andrea and Kelly put in the freezer and it magically disappeared. Lol. It was to be used for our famous “witches brew.” That was the year I decided to be a sexy candy corn witch. And I have to admit I looked cute. And this was the beginning of John’s obsession with the banana costume. The previous years he has been in a scream costume with the bass line as well as a dinosaur. Did I mention Dr. Dunnigan had strict rules about costumes at practice on Halloween? That would be my John. Big 8 humor. Not following rules. Gotta love them….So, sexy witch and banana man.
Which was cool… until John decided to be the banana for the next 4 years… I remember we had a bonfire the first year and the costume was still stained with ash and soot from the fire. But, he kept wearing it. There was a time I as tempted to throw it away (kind of like what I did with any of his sandals or shoes that started to smell really bad). But, I kept it. And then at one party John tried to go to the bathroom with the costume on and accidently peed on it. And that was the end of that.We did switch it up one time. John used his famous dinosaur costume… which he borrowed from his dad. I remember taking a picture of him with my cell phone when he showed up to chiefs practice with it once. I don’t even know if we were dating then but it was definitely a “no-no” in chiefs. No costumes to practice. Lame, I know.
Our final Halloween together was last year. John came as the Count from Sesame Street. James and Matthew were train conductors and they had trains and everything. It was a big deal. Their first real Halloween. We celebrated by taking the twins out for their first trick or treat and having a party at the house. I was out of ideas and came as a “snuggie.” So creative. Metallica, the basset hound, was yoda. ( I did pull out the ol’ candy corn witch sexy costume and was a bit depressed when I noticed it had “shrunk” a bit since college. I still have it though. Leggings and all. Waiting for me to take a sexy shape once again someday. Yeah right.)
There was something so priceless about watching John walk around and trick or treat with his nephews last year. He wasn’t afraid to be a kid with them. He was perfectly fine with being a goofy uncle. Just the way that all uncles should be. And I was perfectly fine at being a doting aunt. And as I watched him hold hands with the boys and walk down the sidewalk… I saw visions of a future with our own children.
So, this Halloween I won’t be dressing up. I won’t be passing out candy. I will, however, be playing with beluga whales. Thank you Lauren Stone. My weekend will have it’s silver lining after all. After I get to touch and kiss my favorite animal in the world!! I know I can't fool myself. This weekend is tough. There's more than just memories of dressing up in costumes to think about this weekend...
So, this Halloween I won’t be dressing up. I won’t be passing out candy. I will, however, be playing with beluga whales. Thank you Lauren Stone. My weekend will have it’s silver lining after all. After I get to touch and kiss my favorite animal in the world!! I know I can't fool myself. This weekend is tough. There's more than just memories of dressing up in costumes to think about this weekend...
Things could have been different this year.
This Halloween I would have been coming out as Mrs. Seay.
For the first full day as a wife.
To the cutest dinosaur, banana and count.....
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