Thursday, November 24, 2011

hitting milestones

today is thanksgiving.
my second thanksgiving without John.
my first thanksgiving with Ryan.

it got easier. a hell a lot easier than the previous year. in fact, i tried really hard to remember last year's thanksgiving and I really can't recall anything. I know it was tough. I was at the Seays. We ate food... Jim didn't say the prayer.. and everyone was there.
I am thankful the Seays let me and Ryan be part of their holiday.
It's a big deal.
To still be part of that family. i don't know if i will be able to ever thank God enough for the strong bond i have with them.
it wasn't until i got home this evening that i started to get sad. and mostly because i took out a john memory box trying to find something and found myself going through everything... the letters, the cards, the momentos... and then I had a good cry.

before thanksgiving dinner at the seays today i decided a few days ago i would have my own special "mini" thanksgiving with Ryan. i had never made my own thanksgiving dinner... and i was determined to do it. so, we hopped in the car, headed to publix, and picked up a quaint 10 lb. turkey.

we named him "Hank" after the The New Girl thanksgiving episode. I am very proud of myself because everything came out so well. i enjoyed our intimate dinner. it was our first true thanksgiving. in our home. just the two of. today was about family.
it was joining my past with present. and my future.

On Nov. 14 was also a special day.
it was our 9 month dating anniversary.
In 3 months it will be one year. it's really hard to imagine... but, i have to honestly say...

I am happy with Ryan.
And these 9 months with him have been an absolute blessing.
We spent our anniversary weekend at my friend's wedding. It was a beautiful wedding... with lots of friends... although I had a hard time watching her wear my wedding dress. She wore the exact dress I had originally picked out for my marriage with John. I wrote about it in June.
Was it hard? Yes. But, it's just things like this that I am learning to let go. Obviously I will not wear that dress in my future wedding. As much as I love it... I have to let go of it. And Rosie wore it beautifully...

After the wedding we spent the rest of our weekend in st. augustine. a frequent place visited by me and John.
and a place i enjoy with ryan now.
i love st. augustine. 
i honestly can never get enough of the place. it's such a beautiful, cute city and has a small town charm with adult things to do... great food... great drinks... i love it. and the best part is sharing my love for that city with my new love, ryan. :) 

One day I was sitting on the couch and counting the days from Ryan's birthday (Oct. 16) and got to the number 18.
I looked at Ryan and started to cry.
"You are one day older than John..."
He looked back at me and said "I know."

We had both been secretly thinking about that.
About Ryan outliving John.
And making it past day 17.
And he did.
I am in new territory with him. Days beyond what John got to live.
It's hard. It's weird.
But it's also a relief... that he's still here with me. And each day continues to be a blessing.

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