2014 and the stories it will tell

A friend once wrote to me:

"I long for the day when you no longer write in your blog because that will mean you are fully healed.."

Touche.

Alas, I do not blog as much as I used to... but sometimes I feel the need to.
And tonight is one of those nights.
It's not a reflection of my healing process. It is just something that I want to do.


It is now 2014. And that is unbelievable.
In 86 days I will be marrying Ryan and I am super thrilled about it.
I am also super cautious.
I feel that if I over celebrate the occasion that something bad will happen... but I really do feel like this is going to finally be happening for me. I get to marry a great guy and start my life as a wife. I am so thankful God has given me this opportunity to love again. And I have to say I am proud of myself for not giving up.
I gave life and love a second chance and it was worth the risk.

As we enter into new years everyone feels the urge to set resolutions. With Facebook being such a staple in everyone's lives we also feel the urge to share these with others. Whether to have some accountability or to just excessively brag about the BIG EXCITING things that make us so awesomely awesome. (there's sarcasm, behold!)

I think deciding to wait until January 1st to start making changes is a little bullshit... but if you need to set a goal for that date it's better then never at all.. so whatever. I actually started mine earlier. I started them as soon as they came up in my head (because why wait?) and then Ryan asked me to share some for the new year and I was like... "crap. um. uh..."
Get married? Isn't that a big resolution? Change my last name and start working on a family, yes? But there's so much more... and I will now share with you my RAW version of my resolutions for 2014. (p.s. these are very hard. and i don't know if most of them will be successful... but I won't facebook sugar coat things for you like everyone else)

Ok... lets start with this whole marriage thing :)
I want to be a good bride. i don't want to yell at my bridesmaids or make ridiculous requests... i want to avoid bridezilla completely. i want to be pleasant and sweet. i want to relax on my wedding day and let people in charge take control.
I want to be a good wife.
i want to accept that I am going to be able to marry Ryan and we have a chance to create our own happily ever after and that the people around us are supportive.
And if for some reason there are people who aren't supportive they have to go.
because they aren't worth my time.
speaking of that... i want to resolve to stop waiting for others to re-build bridges with me. if others chose to stop staying connected to me for some reason (especially those who stopped talking to me after John died) then I have to move on and not wait for them.
I am in no way burning the bridge. I just will move on from it completely.
Your move, by the way... those of you who have slipped away silently in the shadows.

I want to focus on those who care about me.
I want to give attention to those who have supported me and who still support me day to day. The real friends who never gave up on me... even though I am a crazy roller coaster of emotions girl.
The friends who are honest with me. The friends who realize that I am more than what my bitchy features might have you feel I am. ha.
I want to be a better friend. I want to call people more often, i want to physically write letters and i want to make an effort to visit friends more often.

I want to stop envying what other people have. (and realize most of it is just others trying to show off on facebook).
I want to dig deep inside of myself whenever i start feeling bad for things i do not have and remind myself of what i do have.
remind myself how shitty i felt in 2010 and how i begged for the life i have now.
and how i got it.
and how even without trips to bowl games, or the ability to get promotions, or fantastical "2 year plans" , or being pregnant, or extravagant weddings, or crazy expensive yearly trips around the world, or having my wedding completely paid for, or raises, or new houses, etc. etc. ... that I am ALIVE and breathing and in love!!! I am somewhere I did not think I would ever be at again.
And even though I am now officially in debt from this wedding... I get to have a wedding. And I don't mind paying off credit cards for an event with all my favorite people that ISN'T a funeral.

I want to not let facebook determine my happiness or success in life.
i want to use it to keep in touch with friends and family and loved ones and not seek out things that are going to make me sad or mad.
and if people aren't good for me then they need to go.
(already started this process)

i want to love myself by taking care of myself.
that means eating right and being active.
not thinking of being on a "diet."

I want to continue to build back my relationship with God... cause lets be honest. Things got rocky when I lost John.
And even though at this point being a Christian isn't so popular I want to stand up for my faith, attend a church and pray.
I want to pray even when I am not asking for something. I want to pray just to say thank you. And I want to pray for others.

I want to enjoy life while I am young. And realize I STILL AM YOUNG. (despite what the number of candles tell me).
I want to tell people to shut up when they say I have plenty of time to travel when i am older (because we all have learned a lesson from this blog... and that is "you never know...") and if I want to hop on a plane and go somewhere I will.
Because why not?


And I want to smile more.
The world could use more smiles.
The world could use more pleasant people and positivity.
I need to be that light.
And I don't need a date on a calendar to tell me when to start.

Flying.

**I wrote this blog Thursday night on the airplane on my way to Long Island to see my sister and sister-in-law** It basically was my "flying therapy" to keep me distracted while flying alone. I hope it makes sense...

I have a whole row to myself on an airplane.

The cabin is dark and calm.

It’s quiet… well, I assume it is. Coldplay is now singing in my ears so I wouldn’t know what the rest of the cabin sounds like. But I am pretty sure it would be quiet. It’s almost 11pm.

And I now remember why I love night flights.

I am a little nervous though. Not for my usual reasons…not because of flying or anything.

But because Karen (my sister in law) is still in Raleighj waiting at her aiport.

All of our flights were delayed this evening. Mine by about two hours. Hers… well… WHO KNOWS. And now I am on the plane and have no clue what her fate will be until I land in NY two hours from now. Grr!

I am nervous because we have planning this getaway for a long time now.

How could we let BALTIMORE ruin it for us?
We have a very important date with Jimmy Fallon tomorrow.
We cannot afford to miss it.

It’s Karen’s dream. She LOVES Jimmy Fallon too. (it’s just ANOTHER thing that makes us soul mates. Our taste in funny men. Haha).

I am landing in NY at 12:50am.

Yes. Late.

And tomorrow is supposed to be a fun filled day in the city.  For Karen especially.

Sight seeing.

And Jimmy, of course.

…..

oh no.

turbulance.

It’s happening right now.

I hate it.
And Ryan isn’t here to hold my hand. To rub my palm and reassure me… “it’s ok.” “everything is going to be ok.”

I look around the cabin and I notice everyone else seems to be calm and composed. Is this not bothering them? Is it just bothering me?
Why can’t I be calm like them?

The answer is: they don’t know what fear feels like.

They have never looked it in the face.

Like me.

Life changed for me when I lost John. I saw death. I met it. I looked it in the face. I was forever changed. My innocence filled with fear. And anxiety. And I lost that calm. But I don’t want to be forever changed. I want to be that carefree girl again. I want to pretend that bad things don’t happen. Especially to good people. I want to feel that again.

Oh, God.

Please grant me that peace again.

The turbulence has stopped for now.

And I am starting to feel better.

THANK GOD for my klonipin.

I take it before every flight.

Airports have their routine.
And here is mine:

·      Check in—always on time…I am not a late girl. I just don’t do it. Especially with travel. I am usually very anxious to get to wherever I am going. I am ready to go.

… Except tonight….
because I had to say goodbye to Ryan. See. Ryan is my travel buddy. He’s supposed to go with me everywhere. When he went on my first trip with me I vowed he would have to go on all of my trips with me forever.
Did I just break that vow?
I guess so? But Karen is worth it. She is my exception J

SO. I kissed him goodbye. I kissed my fluff ball (Lily) goodbye… and headed towards my gate

·      Checking in was so simple when it’s late. NO ONE is here. Why would I ever fly any other time? Maybe I should keep this in mind. It’s quite nice. I BREEZED by through security. In fact, they were actually NICE. It’s amazing how less stress can make everyone much more pleasant. We had conversations.

·      And then I boarded the wrong tram.

·      And then I turned around and boarded the right tram (this is a typical Autumn move) I can’t tell you how many times I have flown out of Orlando but… I will find some way to screw it up. I blame you, ryan. You should have been here to fix me J hehe xoxo

·      Wait. And wait.
Realize you didn’t bring headphones. Head over to the best buy machine. And then contemplate it. SHOULD I BUY HEADPHONES? There really is no question with me. I do NOT fly without music. I can’t. It’s the only thing I have to calm me down…. So… my options varied. $20 headphones were cheapest. It went all the way up to $300 Bose headphones. Of course I wanted the Bose… mainly because I used to have them.  (but seriously I bought the cheapest pair. Hello. I am a teacher.)

o   Story time: I won a pair of Bose noise cancelling headphones in a contest once. I was sooooo excited!!!! They were PERFECT for me. I traveled all the time… and they were so expensive and I got them for FREE! Yes!

And you know who else was excited? John.

He stole them from me ;) He loved them.

And I let him take them to Europe. They survived the whole trip. And then… they disappeared. I was heart broken. And I have longed to have another pair forever. But can’t bring myself to buy them. Because I am cheap.

I hope another opportunity arises where I can win another pair.

·      Board the plane.

·      Pick a seat. I pick window. EVERYTIME. It’s my favorite spot. I like to watch everything… and I watch INTENTLY on take off and landing. I have slept through landings twice. It was weird. Because I never do that. It’s kind of cool because one moment you are in the air… and the next you are at your destination and you missed any moment of fear and anxiety. But I like landing. It’s fun. I dunno…. It’s like a “hallelujah” moment for me. WE MADE IT. YAY!

·      Take off is always nerve wrecking for me. But tonight went fine.
I secretly wear my headphones. And listen to music. I can’t do take offs without music.

o   Story time: John taught me a trick… and it  was one of the reasons he wore hoodies when we traveled (besides the fact that he always found a reason to sport one). He would put the hood on and pretend he was napping and it would hide his headphones. Thanks, John! I still do that. In your honor, of course.

My usual music for take off is consistent. It never really changes. It’s “Recycled Air” by The Postal Service.  The lyrics are literally about flying… and it seems perfect. I am one of those who likes music to be relevant and what is more fitting than that?

Tonight I changed it.
I played Coldplay.
not airplane related.
But Autumn related.
Coldplay wrote their music for me.
But I picked an interesting song to listen to… I picked Princess of China.

And then I got to watch all the little cars turn into little fireflys wandering around in straight lines. Back and forth. Up and down. Mazes of lights in the darkness. Organized patterns. Of light.

·      Flying. I am flying in the air now. And my drink of choice??? HOT TEA. I get it EVERYTIME I fly. With cream and sugar. I asked if they had lemon… they did not but they have limes. So I said sure. It was a great choice. J It’s a yummy drink

o   My drink of choice has not always been hot tea. When I marched drum corps it used to be GINGER ALE. It was my tradition. Every month I would fly to camps…everywhere… Illinois… Wisconsin… New jersey… and ginger ale it was. And peanuts. Back before airlines were afraid to give out peanuts. Luckily Southwest isn’t scared… and they still give out peanuts. GO SOUTHWEST.

·      Missing Ryan…………. I miss my Ryan……..

* Ok it’s midnight. And we MUST be going over this bad weather in Baltimore because the turbulence is really bothersome. My stomach is hurting a lot… my anxiety causes my IBS to act up and then I am nothing but a worrisome panicky ball of stomach pains. It’s just churning.

I have tried methods to calm down.

I have started doing breathing exercises.

I have tried to listen to soothing music

I have prayed.

And now I am writing.

There’s a woman a few rows in front of me with a baby. How in the world do people travel with babies??? And how in the world will I ever be able to calm a child down when I am a nervous wreck myself?

Ok. The next step for this must be…. To lay down. I have three seats. I can try this.

And here we go……….

emotional bursting

I am a ball of emotions right now.

For so many reasons.

First.
I am laying next to my really hot boyfriend.
no, seriously.
he has a fever.
The bed feels like a sauna.
And I can't tell you how many times I have checked to watch Ryan's chest rise and fall. I mean, this CANNOT be normal. Any NORMAL girl would be like "oh cute I get to play nurse now and take care of my sick baby cakes..."
NO.
That's not me.
My head says "omg omg. check his temperature like 50 times and ask him a million questions about how he feels. get the keys ready if a ER trip is needed."
THAT. IS. NOT. NORMAL.

What I have been through makes me beyond a freak.
Will I ever learn to think positively?
Will I ever stop jumping to bizarre conclusions?
Can I ever just accept that Ryan doesn't feel good? That he just needs fluids and sleep... like most who are sick.

CAN I JUST PLEASE BE NAIVE AGAIN?????
PLEASE.

Besides being a paranoid freak...
I ran across this video on facebook tonight that someone tagged me in. It was a PASIC 2005 drum video that John was in. In fact, the whole video is talking about John. And he's in it.
It caught me off guard.
(like most things do anyway)
I just started crying in the bed (next to sick Ryan)
I wasn't expecting there to be this video... of living and breathing John. He isn't in the video much... but when he is I am completely taken aback.
I feel like I am seeing fiction now when I see videos of him. Like it can't be real. Then it's a smack in the face. He existed. That life existed.
He was mine and I was his.
That was a life we both shared.
And now my life is completely different.


.........

Which brings me to the last element in my emotions for tonight.
LOVE.
I feel love.
I am so much in love with Ryan.
I feel it more and more each day. I feel the ping of sadness when he isn't around and I feel absolutely horrified when he isn't feeling well.
I am even a bit sad I am leaving him for four days on Thursday.
Because I love him.
And not only do I love him... but I love the people in his life.
I honestly didn't know how well his friends would accept me when we first started dating.
And then we realized that many of them weren't around.
Then a fortunate event happened when John's best friend, Steve, moved back to Orlando... and his lovely wife, Natalie!
I have started to bond with both of them and I feel so excited to have additional friends in my life.
Friends that we share.
People that are connected to me and Ryan.
And people that I genuinely love. already. see? I told you once I love someone it's stuck. I love these people. I love Ryan's friends.

And even better... I got to keep a lot of my friends that I made with John.
And his family.
Ryan and I took out John's dad for lunch the other day. I couldn't help but later think in the car (where I do most of my thinking) (besides ansomnia nights in bed) that I am sooooo fortunate to still have that bond.
And I am still loved by them.
AND they love RYAN.
JOHN'S FAMILY LOVES RYAN.




See!
This is why I can't sleep at night.
Because all at once... I don't even know how it happens... my mind/spirit/body fills with worry/remorse/love/excitement/sadness/happiness/fear.
ALL AT ONCE.
And then I feel I may burst.


Who can teach me the ways?
To harness all these emotions?

Us Against the World... and other Summer stories

Summer is moving right along.
Here we are in July.
I feel relaxed this summer. I do not feel rushed or stressed. I feel like I have had a good summer so far. Even though it hasn't been my most exciting summer of being swept off my feet to exotic continents like Central America and Europe... I am enjoying this time.
I guess the part I am not a fan of is when Ryan has to work all day.
It's no fun not to have him around in the afternoon.
I occupy myself by doing LOTS of errands and spending time with friends I do not get to see on a regular basis.
Summer is expensive.
You try to spend your time by being creative or busy. And most of the time that costs money.
So.
After awhile that gets hard.

My summer has been filled with a few awesome moments so far.

First, I got to see my dear friend get married.
It was a destination wedding on a cruise...which was a perfect excuse to take a cruise. I am glad I let go of things before I went on the cruise. I had previously been holding on to some grudges due to the fact that I wasn't involved in the wedding or asked to be a bridesmaid. I was extremely hurt in the beginning. Even my family didn't get it. But in the end I had to let it go. I obviously had to move on and let it be. Sometimes our journeys in life take us different directions... different paths... but I have this feeling deep inside that eventually the paths will meet again. I feel the connection between me and my friend are already being mended. I think we have reached a point where we can start building again and that's good for me right now. I don't feel stressed about it anymore. I don't need her acceptance anymore. I am perfectly content with watching her live her life completely and utterly happy. Because it really does make me happy too. I am always here for her if she needs me. Because I have made a vow to be a friend no matter what. And I am not breaking that vow anytime soon.
The good thing about being friends with me is that I am one hell of a fighter.
I will fight for your friendship.
And I will fight for you everyday.
Maybe not physically (unless you really do need that) but I am there for you. In your corner. Always.

Weddings are getting easier.
I have fun and i enjoy them again.
Did I cry?
Come on, don't you know who I am???
Yes.
Did I have a melt down?
No.
Do I still get envious?
Yes, I do.
But I also know that my time will eventually come with Ryan. I know we have a great relationship and when it's our turn... it's going to be amazing ;)

I got to see one of my all time favorite bands perform!!!
I bought tickets to see Coldplay awhile ago in Tampa... and the moment had finally arrived.
IT WAS THE BEST CONCERT EVER.
Better than Muse and I believe better than Lady Gaga. It was incredible. They really know how to put on a performance.
I was out of my seat almost the entire time.
I was singing to every song.
I even cried.
I have never cried at a concert but when they played "Fix You" I just lost it.
When John died my friend send me an acapella version of that song and well, my feelings about it have never quite been the same.
Then they had these wrist bands you put on that light up for certain parts of the show and when it happened it was absolutely MAGICAL. I felt like I was on cloud 9. Here's a video of it:

On the ride home I spoke with Ryan about one of the songs they sang off their new album. I played it for him and asked if he thought it could be our "first dance" song when we get married. He said he thought it was a great idea. It's called "Us Against the World" and I think it's appropriate for our situation... and it's gorgeous... like most of Coldplay's music anyway.
(I know what you are thinking... we are talking about MARRIAGE??? Well, duh. I am going to marry this man. And if you need to know any reasons just please keep in mind that he puts up with a blubbering widow who keeps a blog about her constant love affair with her dead fiance.)

Ryan took a trip for his job up to Maryland and I had a couple days on my own.
I am also getting better at this too.
Although I am still slightly miserable when I am completely on my own I am LIGHT YEARS away from where I was two years ago.
You know, the months and months where I couldn't sleep alone.
My one thing is I still can't sleep alone in the complete dark.
Although I do remember once I was comfortable with this I still get slightly freaked out and leave the bathroom light on when Ryan is away.
I did, however, take Lily with me to the airport to pick him up. It was pretty adorable. She was very popular, that white fluffy dog, at the airport. And Ryan was surely surprised.

I did have a moment at the airport.
I thought I saw John.
He was coming out of the terminal... well, his look alike... which in the end looks NOTHING like him.
I guess my mind still plays tricks on me.
Cruel mean tricks that is.
I got a little sad when it happened.
It hasn't happened in awhile.
In fact I can't even remember the last time it has.

I have actually quite a few "moments" this summer.
I think anytime I have long periods alone is a recipe for disaster.
ESPECIALLY when I watched the Notebook the other day. Make as much fun as you want about that movie... for someone who has lost someone... it's a meltdown to the max waiting to happen. So (like an idiot) I watched it alone the other day.
I had a night when Ryan wasn't here where I went through old photo albums and just sat and cried and cried.
It's a monthly pity party I have.
It's like a mental cleanse.
I still.... to this day... after 2 years...can't believe what happened on April 22, 2010.
I still have bits of denial.
I still have nightmares and panic.

I still lay next to Ryan in bed and watch his chest rise and fall to see if he is still breathing. Or touch his skin to make sure it's still warm.
I shake him sometimes in the middle of the night to wake him up if I worry he's been too still.
Poor Ryan.
The things he puts up with.
And he truly does love me.
Shaking and all.
He loves me.


All in all I have been enjoying my summer.
I would gladly have a permanent summer if I could.
Afford it that is.
But I have a secret too.

I miss teaching.

I know, I know.
After all that bitching and complaining I miss my work.
I miss what I do. I miss my kids (most of them).

But.

I think summer is still winning right now.

Coldplay Concert. June 2012. xoxo

Something old, something new.

I'm sitting at our kitchen table.
Well, John's kitchen table. Well, me and John's kitchen table.
I am holding a pair of cards and playing poker.
I fold. My hand sucked. But I am laughing.... because I am honestly having a great time.
And all around me are familiar faces.
And bottles of beer.
And lots of smiles and laughs.

something old. something new.

The table is old.
It started out as John's college roommate's table.
It was used mainly for beer pong.
Eventually John bought it for about $30 and it's been with us ever since.
It's sturdy.
We call it the "Knights of the Square table." Because it's heavy and durable and OLD.
But it has character.
And I can't manage to let it go just yet.

The faces are old and new.
The faces of John's friends mixed with the faces of Ryan's
Mixed with the faces of mine.

We are doing the "impossible" in widow world.
We have combined our worlds.
We are having a poker night with people we love from various stages of our lives. Percussionists that worked with or under John.
Musicians that marched corps with Ryan.
Co-workers from my job. Consequently the co-worker is also the guy that took over my position at Walker when I left after John's death.
And here we all are.
In our house.
In ME AND RYAN'S house.
Playing cards on ME AND JOHN'S TABLE.
These are OUR friends now.
United by John in the end.
We can laugh and tell jokes and have a good time and I think secretly everyone imagines what it would be like if John were there.
His absence is noted.
Not outloud ... but privately and silently in our minds and thoughts.
we all wish he was still here.

And there's something about going over for Easter to the Seays house ....
the house doesn't look different downstairs. all the pictures are still hanging. me and John. John's baby photos. Everyone's prom pictures.
and it's comforting to me.
i also get knots in my stomach just before opening their door because i am afraid one day it will all be torn down and they won't care anymore.
but it's not.
even in his dad's office there are pictures of me everywhere.
i am still loved....

something old.


and bringing Ryan over is always such an experience.
we get to do all the things that i would have been doing with John.

except it's ryan.

something new...

The boys love Ryan.
they hug his legs and say they love him.
it warms my heart.
and brings a peace to me because it's an acceptance. that even the small minds of John's nephews have accepted Ryan has something permanent. and they like him.
and i like that.


Mixing my old life with John and my new one with Ryan sometimes shocks me with how well it blends. It almost flows so well that I feel like something is WRONG with me. Like there should be a problem. I even ask Ryan sometimes "are you ever angry/hurt/mad/jealous with my feelings for John." And he isn't.
Of course.
And then I am like... well, is this really how it's supposed to be?
Can my two lives really mesh together this well and everyone be ok?

I mean, there have been a few along the way that haven't transitioned so well. And I may have lost some.
But maybe those were some worth losing at the time.
maybe I will gain them back.


But for now I think the people I have in my life... old and new... are amazing.
And I am very blessed to have them in my journey.
The old to remind me of my wonderful past and share my memories ...
and the new to create amazing new memories with.


My new.
My "us"

Cheer up, buttercup

I think there is this part of me that still refuses to be happy. 

Like it won't allow it.

And I believe part of it stems from various things.

1) People- I still have a strange feeling that some people are uncomfortable about me moving forward in my life and loving again. And when I am around those people or feel like those people are paying attention... I have to find ways to show I am still unhappy at times. I have to prove to people sometimes that I am still grieving. Because i do not always know if they believe me. It sounds weird and just plain wrong... but I know that they are out there.

2) Guilt- I still suffer from a tinge of guilt for moving forward with Ryan. I don't think it is too overwhelming but when I let it linger and sit in my system it builds and builds until I give in. And then I let it go and let it out. The guilt of wanting happiness again. No one should EVER have to have any sort of guilt for wanting to be happy or live a fulfilled life but I do get that sense sometimes. Which i think stems from the next part.....

3) Fear.- I am soooo afraid sometimes. in fact this may be the number 1 reason for my unhappiness. Now that my life is coming back together again after it fell apart when I lost John... I get a weird feeling it will collapse again. Things that I had done with John are starting to happen with Ryan. Those exciting life changing moments... living together, loving each other, getting jobs, looking at houses, planning for the future, talking marriage and babies... and I am afraid if I let it happen that I will lose it again. And it scares the shit out of me. Because if I lost it all again I don't think I would possibly recover.

4) Bitterness- I am still quite bitter for things that have happened to me. My anger towards my past events will flare up when something goes wrong in the present. I.E. today I got angry because my new car charger doesn't work with my phone. So it made me bring up how my car was broken into a couple weeks ago... which made me bring up the fact that bad things keep happening to me... which made me bring up John... 

It's the root of all things "wrong."

Everything just rises up and stems from that.

And that isn't very fair to me. or to Ryan. or to John.

I bring up my "unhappiness" blog because today we went house hunting.

I was looking forward to it.

But Ryan was beyond excited. He was almost giddy. 

It was super cute to watch actually. And made me feel good.

He was excited to live in a home with ME. Forever :) 

But as the day went on... I just began to feel a bit hopeless. I have had this feeling before. Excitement for the future. House hunting, future planning.

And I lost it in a split second.

So the "why bother"monster showed it's ugly face. And I began to pout, whine, etc. because I knew that we weren't going to be able to afford a house right now, etc. etc.

I was shooting down Ryan's dream.

And I was even shooting down my own.

I want more than anything to live the dream I have always dreamed. 

As said in Pretty Woman.."i want the fairy tale."

I do.

I want the house, the husband, the family, the job.

And when we house hunted today I was given the chance to see that life wasn't quite where it was before. And that I had a new path laid out in front of me.

And sometimes that realization can haunt you. And make you feel like if you go down your new path you will lose sight of the path you had once dreamt.

I am not as financially secure as I was before with John.

I do not have the same family support as I did when I was with him.

It very much is me and Ryan fighting for ourselves. 

We are a two person team right now with not a lot of back up.

And it's scary.

I want so much to take a plunge with him.

I want to get a home and start BUILDING our future together so much.

But I am still so worried of something going wrong.

And how I would react to something going wrong.

I mean I stress out over the little things so imagine something a bit bigger going wrong... the way I would react, the impact it would have on me and others. Is that something I can handle right now? 

And how can I better prepare myself to make big leaps for the future?

To start taking a challenge?

To stop letting the little things (and yes, even bigger things) get to me?

To stop the worry?

To control my moods?

To cheer up.

To just let life happen and enjoy myself.

To laugh at the stupid things that don't matter and to focus on the things that do.

God has given me tons of blessings even after such a horrible thing as losing John.

The biggest one being Ryan... who surprises me everyday with his undying love for me.

The man freaking loves me no matter what. It's crazy! Sometimes I have these out of body experiences where I can see myself reacting poorly to situations and I am thinking "this is stupid stop doing this.." and i continue to act poorly and i think "he's going to leave me..." And ya know what? HE DOESN'T. 

He still loves me.

If that isn't the biggest blessing in my life right now then I don't know what it.

Ryan wants to take care of me, and marry me, and start a family with me. He loves me beyond my flaws. He sees past my anxiety and depression and mood swings.

He sees the carefree person I can be. That I used to be.

He basically sees the same person that John fell in love with.

The girl who isn't afraid of anything or anyone. That's so outgoing I could make friends with just about anyone I met.

That loved adventures and exploration.

That was loud and audacious.

That laughed so much she snorted.

And it doesn't mean I am never that.

Just not as much.

I HAVE to work on my ability to LET GO.

I HAVE to set aside petty bullshit.

I HAVE to love Ryan with abundance and with a reckless abandon.

I HAVE to put things into God's hands.

I HAVE to remember myself and who I am and what I stand for.

I HAVE to smile more.

I must.

I must do these things.

I need to freakin' cheer up.

four days on my own

Last week I was alone. For three nights.
Something I haven't had to experience since I started dating Ryan. We have always been together.
But it was bound to happen... we couldn't always be at each other's side. So when Ryan got his new job I kind of expected us to be separated for his training. And indeed they took him away for a week.

I hated every minute of being alone.
Of course, I did as much as possible to keep myself entertained. I visited friends. I cleaned the house. I worked extra hours at school.
But my mind was preoccupied.
As much as I dislike being alone... I also dislike the fact that I can't handle being alone. I feel undone. And I feel sort of embarrassed. Mainly because people tend to think they always have the best advice by saying little sayings like "you can never be comfortable with someone else until you are comfortable with yourself" and "absence makes the heart grow fonder."
So, I guess I was supposed to embrace the loneliness?
I guess I am supposed to be ok with it?
Because I am strong?
Because I am ok with that?

It wasn't so bad at first.
I was doing fine. I did aid my sleep with anxiety medication to calm my thoughts... and thanks to the amazing technology we now live with this day and age I was able to video chat with Ryan every night. He was literally the last thing I saw and heard before I fell asleep at night. It made things so much better.

I often think about what it would be like if I could video chat with John in Heaven. 
The things that would be said. The way his eyes would light up and the corners of his mouth pull back to make a smile... the things that I have longed to see for almost two years now. And to hear that laugh again. Oh, yes. That laugh. Who could resist it?? That laugh that was like a song.... and contagious as hell. 


So.
All was going well... I was making it and I was actually starting to feel proud of myself.
And then I get a phone call on Wednesday night from my associate director from last year telling me that one of our students at my former school had died. He committed suicide.
I was floored.
And then all the pride I had felt for being able to be on my own... drained away.
I was in need.
I was upset. And crying. And letting my mind flood with dark thoughts that I desperately wanted to get rid of. There was nothing I feared more than that darkness. That lingering darkness of death and loss.
And it was haunting.
My mind went to thoughts of him
And of his poor, distraught family.
And of finding him.
And of him dead.

And then I freaked out because Ryan was in Jacksonville and I was here.
And I had to comfort MYSELF.
No one was there to comfort me.
And I couldn't find anyone to come over.
I had to figure it out.
I had to self soothe.
And THAT was the bigger task... getting MYSELF to calm the fuck down.
I told Ryan immediately... and then told him I needed a chance to calm down.
I took a shower.
Not a bath (as I usually do) but a really freakin' HOT shower.
And then I did something I do not do enough... I prayed.

I do NOT mean to not pray.
It's not on purpose.
I tend to forget.
And fall asleep.
I suck.

But I sure did pray that night.
OUT LOUD.
No one was home. It was just me, Lily, Cecilia, and God. And so I prayed very loud and very intensely. I prayed for the child's soul. And his poor, grieving family. The people left behind to suffer. The ones I could truly relate to. (except the suicide part...)
I prayed for peace.
Over and over.
Peace for them.
Peace for myself.
I prayed for calm.
I prayed for grace.

And as I got out of the steam... I tried to turn my thoughts to happier times and happier things. I was refusing myself to go to dark places. I had to stay light. Especially when I am alone.

I video chatted with Ryan.
We discussed happier things. Tried to focus on our lives... our future...

I can't get engulfed with other's tragedies all the time. Because I tend to get out of control.
It's a balancing act really.
To grieve and to live.
You have to do both.
But mostly you have to live.
And I just started to do that..... it's taken a long time to balance it out. I had the grief hold the heavier part for such a long time I had forgotten to actually focus on my current life. That I actually was ALLOWED to do so.


So, live, my friends.
Live now.




Ryan came home the next day.
I can't tell you how HAPPY I was.
In my mind he had been gone for way longer than four days. It was an eternity to me.
And I felt so grateful to have him back.
Something about women who have lost before... for the people they eventually love... we appreciate you MORE than most ever will because we know what it's like to not have you.
It is just one of the few perks you get dating a widow.
You're welcome.

DOWN and UP

So last night I took a fun trip to the ER.
I was throwing up a lot and having severe stomach aches.
I got there at 11pm and left the next morning at 8am.
I got a abdominal CT and bloodwork, etc. and everything came out fine. So, that's good.
But it also doesn't give me a clear answer as to what is going on with my stomach.
My gastritis is NOT getting better.
At one point I thought it might have gone away but obviously that isn't the case. If anything it feels like it is intensifying.
So, back to the GI doctor I go sometime next week. (geesh)
I am just SERIOUSLY ready to feel better. I am tired of being tired. And sick. Im sick of being sick and tired.
I want to feel normal.
I want to throw all my prescriptions out the window and stop giving the doctors all my money.


But thank GOD there is nothing seriously wrong. Just wanting to figure out how to start feeling better. It may require me to totally re-do my diet. I might get rid of everything and start to gradually add things... but where do I start? Do I just start with fruits and veggies? Totally my focus was on liquids (since I was throwing up all day yesterday). (I also had a small salad...) and my stomach is still churning. So. No salad? No smoothie? No decaf tea? What am I doing wrong???

Bah.


Well. That's the DOWN part of the blog.

Now onward to the UP side....

RYAN GOT A JOB!!!
And when I say job I mean one with a salary and benefits.
I mean... a completely big boy job.
So, we found out a couple hours after we got home from the hospital. It was really uplifting to know after being sick for hours. A light at the end of the tunnel.
So, now we can both be working professionals and hopefully get a jump start at the next part of our life together.



Yah!

A new kind of anniversary....

A lot of my blog posts have to deal with dates.
As a widow, dates start to mean a lot.
You count down days from the moment you lose the one you love.
It's not about counting down TOWARDS dates anymore.
It's about counting away from the times you spent with the person you loved.
You base events on how far away they were from that moment.
The first week without them. The first month. The first Christmas. The first 100 days. The first year. The first birthday. etc. etc.

When I met Ryan I got to do something I hadn't done in a long time.... I got to LOOK FORWARD to dates in my life again.
Now, it was scary at first.
I didn't want to get too excited because I had this weird feeling inside that if I was too happy or too looking forward to something... it would be taken away from me.

This is reasonable.

I mean, I had a whole wedding panning out in front of my eyes....

and that was snatched away.

In one second.

So, I gave myself little moments to look forward to. Until eventually I felt comfortable enough to look forward to bigger things.
And sometimes I just sit back and let the bigger events come my way.
And pretend I do not notice.

And here I am.
At a milestone.

A year ago this evening I was a nervous girl... woman... whatever...
going on a date with this really cute guy. I liked him a lot already. It was school girl type feelings all over again.
And a date?!
Something I hadn't done in over 6 years!!!
So, I was nervous to say the least.
But, I took a leap.
Because apparently my heart never learns it's lesson.
But thank GOD I let my heart take over again because a year later I am so happy and pleased to say I am still with that wonderful man.
Who I think is still studly as ever.
And so freaking tolerant and brave to put up with a crazy person (that's me).
I mean he's dealt with a whole year of it.
He was there for the John anniversaries.
The one year, the birthdays, the holidays....
and he is still with me!!!!
Can you believe this???

Did I do something right, perhaps????

Did God surely answer that prayer???

I can say without a doubt that God indeed heard.
And I think John did too.


Hey widow friends:
Don't be afraid to fall in love again.
It's kind of awesome.
To be loved unconditionally.
Twice.
Being loved from Heaven and being loved from Earth.



Happy 1 year, Ryan.

i'm waiting.

a funny thing happens when a new year comes around..
you get super confident that  this is "your time" and "your chance" and that things are going to actually start turning around... for the good.

But honestly it's been frustrating so far.
In terms of trying to reach goals.
Some due to our own fault.
Some due to the fact that life didn't realize it was a new year.

A couple weeks ago Ryan had an interview for a job he really wanted and he also took his LSAT.
On the same day he got a call saying he didn't get the job and also found out the score of his LSAT... which may be too low to get him into a school.
It really put us down.
In fact I started crying.
I felt bad.
I should have been more positive and uplifting. There will be other chances. But, time is running out... for tuition being covered that is. And after having my recent 28th birthday I have started to freak out a little. That as I near 30 years old .. I am nowhere close to where I should be.
Well, where I think I should be.

Of course you may be saying "you're crazy! look how far you have come!"

You're right, my friend.

I should be a little easier on myself.

I should be thankful.
I have come a long way.
But I still have so far to go.
I haven't quite captured it... that life I would so dearly love to hang up in a picture frame.

I haven't obtained the body I have wanted since I was a little girl...
I haven't had my fairy tale wedding...
I haven't made a salary that I feel comfortable with... that I am not living pay check to pay check on...
I haven't found that house with the wrap around porch...
I haven't looked into the eyes of my own child...
I haven't gotten the acknowledgement I need for the work I do... which may be because I haven't accomplished the goals I have set for myself as a teacher.


So, let's just go ahead and just stick to my slogan....
ONE DAY AT A TIME.

Where are you, Christmas?

It's been hard to update my blog this month.

After the stress of my school concert (which went fine) I entered the last days of school... which went by about as slow as one could imagine. When you are a teacher I swear you are counting down the days for a break more than the students. 

Then... it's been full speed ever since. 

I thought things would cool down after that but they didn't.

It's been good things mostly.

Parties, family events, get togethers, etc. etc. 

Our calendar has been jam packed with so much to do... and usually I am the type of person that craves that "go, go, go" rush. But, I am ready to relax a bit and enjoy some down time. I need that break. I need to just to stop and enjoy my time with Ryan.

Our first Christmas together.

How is this Christmas?

How is my second Christmas without John?

How is my first Christmas with Ryan?

What new things have I encountered? 

Were there any surprises?

What's life like during the holidays?

1) The holidays have lost their magic.

I blame this partially on FLORIDA. 

Being in FL for Christmas is a total joke. For some people going outside in shorts and a tank top on christmas is a dream come true but for me it just pisses me off. Listening to songs on the radio about snow storms, fireplaces, hot chocolate, etc. just makes me want to scream. I am blasting my A/C at full speed and rolling my eyes in the car. My closet is a tease. Everytime I walk in there I want to grab a cozy sweater but I feel like i am wearing the same things over and over.... just patiently waiting for an excuse for a cute scarf. *i LOVE scarves*

And, i don't know... I don't feel Christmas.

I don't know if it's because i am a widow.

or if I still have lingering grief.

or if it's because i am not a 9 year old anymore clinging to the mirror looking for rudolph and thinking every blinking red light on a radio tower is him....

I don't know why exactly but it doesn't feel like the christmas i once knew.

i know i am sounding like a faith hill song right now but I would love to have that feeling back.

and I have kind of tricked myself into thinking that won't happen until i have kids of my own.

2) i still miss John.

OF COURSE.

I know this shouldn't really be a surprise...

but this month has been more challenging than the rest. I have thought about him more often than normal (whatever the hell normal is) and I have been crying over him recently. maybe it's all the holiday cheer and warm fuzzy feelings spreading around... but i just miss him. i miss his sweet voice. i miss things he would say to me and i miss the connection we had. i am not at all means trying to say i am unhappy with Ryan.... 

I am just missing John.

So much so that I had another dream about him the other night that made me very upset when i woke up in the morning.

basically someone told me John was in town and didn't tell me.

I had to investigate and find out where he was staying.

He was with friends and when I stopped by to see him they said he didn't want to talk to me. 

He was mad at me for cheating on him or what not....

I finally convinced them to let me in and I sat down with John and he said he was mad I was with Ryan.

I told him he had died and had been gone and i didn't know he was coming back.

He didn't believe me so I spent the next part of my dream giving him the complete play-by-play of the whole day... where he died.

I had to fucking re-live that day in my dream as I told him.

It was fucking awful.

So, John has been invading my thoughts a lot. 

I wish I could just pick up the phone to heaven and say hello... just to let him know I am ok... and make sure he isn't actually mad at me. (which i doubt he would be)

3) I made the seay poem.

This is weird but I was anxious about it. 

Opening up the red envelope frantically I started to feel my blood rush.

What if this is the year i am not in it?

I was in it.

One paragraph....

even ryan made the poem...

which touched my heart.

It's weird. Isn't it???

To have John's family write a stanza in their poem dedicated to their late son's fiance and her new boyfriend?

yeah, i know.

but somehow it just works out.

and we have learned how to make it less weird.

we are ... the exception.

4) My families are expanding.

I am doing christmas eve with the seays, christmas with Ryan's family and the day after christmas with my family.

then it's my birthday.

holy family.

this part makes me smile.

i love that i have so many to love.

i just wish i still had john too.

then it would be pretty much perfect.

two men? yah, wait. oh wow... maybe that would be awkward.

5) My birthday is on Tuesday.

I will be 28.

I am having a dinner with a bunch of friends... i consider myself lucky to have so many that can be there for me.

i just have this sense of unaccomplishment.

in the seay poem it mentioned my job as a band director.

like that's all i have to offer??

I don't want my job to make me who i am.

but then again... what else do I have? What could people jot down when they described me? i know i would want more than "band director" to be used. 

I want to be known for so much for than that.

I need this 28th year of my life to be more fulfilling.

But I will also settle for health, love, happiness. i will be happy with those things. 

and paying off my loans.

being debt free would be a bonus.

... So the question now may be....

How will my 2012 go?

Where will my journey take me?

I have always been one to look ahead in the far future and think about all the exciting things to come...

but widowhood knocks you down.

it throws you on your back.

the kind where you can't breathe for a little bit... knocks the breath out of you.

it kicks dirt in your face. 

on your "plans" 

on the coulda' woulda' shoulda' beens.

and so I am going to go ahead and just say... 

i'll take it one day at a time.

and that's good enough, my friends. 

hitting milestones

today is thanksgiving.
my second thanksgiving without John.
my first thanksgiving with Ryan.

it got easier. a hell a lot easier than the previous year. in fact, i tried really hard to remember last year's thanksgiving and I really can't recall anything. I know it was tough. I was at the Seays. We ate food... Jim didn't say the prayer.. and everyone was there.
I am thankful the Seays let me and Ryan be part of their holiday.
It's a big deal.
To still be part of that family. i don't know if i will be able to ever thank God enough for the strong bond i have with them.
it wasn't until i got home this evening that i started to get sad. and mostly because i took out a john memory box trying to find something and found myself going through everything... the letters, the cards, the momentos... and then I had a good cry.

before thanksgiving dinner at the seays today i decided a few days ago i would have my own special "mini" thanksgiving with Ryan. i had never made my own thanksgiving dinner... and i was determined to do it. so, we hopped in the car, headed to publix, and picked up a quaint 10 lb. turkey.

we named him "Hank" after the The New Girl thanksgiving episode. I am very proud of myself because everything came out so well. i enjoyed our intimate dinner. it was our first true thanksgiving. in our home. just the two of. today was about family.
it was joining my past with present. and my future.


On Nov. 14 was also a special day.
it was our 9 month dating anniversary.
In 3 months it will be one year. it's really hard to imagine... but, i have to honestly say...

I am happy with Ryan.
And these 9 months with him have been an absolute blessing.
We spent our anniversary weekend at my friend's wedding. It was a beautiful wedding... with lots of friends... although I had a hard time watching her wear my wedding dress. She wore the exact dress I had originally picked out for my marriage with John. I wrote about it in June.
Was it hard? Yes. But, it's just things like this that I am learning to let go. Obviously I will not wear that dress in my future wedding. As much as I love it... I have to let go of it. And Rosie wore it beautifully...

After the wedding we spent the rest of our weekend in st. augustine. a frequent place visited by me and John.

and a place i enjoy with ryan now.

i love st. augustine. 

i honestly can never get enough of the place. it's such a beautiful, cute city and has a small town charm with adult things to do... great food... great drinks... i love it. and the best part is sharing my love for that city with my new love, ryan. :) 

One day I was sitting on the couch and counting the days from Ryan's birthday (Oct. 16) and got to the number 18.

I looked at Ryan and started to cry.

"You are one day older than John..."

He looked back at me and said "I know."

We had both been secretly thinking about that.

About Ryan outliving John.

And making it past day 17.

And he did.

I am in new territory with him. Days beyond what John got to live.

It's hard. It's weird.

But it's also a relief... that he's still here with me. And each day continues to be a blessing.

bah-humbug!!!!

the holidays are stressing me out.
and they always used to be such a highlight of the year.
family, friends, gifts, food, fun, festivities, parties, laughs, birthdays, etc. etc.

those were the times when i had stars in my eyes.
and everything still had it's holiday magic.

and now it feels lost.

My holidays have lost their magic.
their allure.

I find myself stressing this year more than ever.
One would think that last year would have been more stressful because it was my first year without John. But, my family and John's family had open arms and everyone got together for each other. This year feels very different... and it's my first Thanksgiving and Christmas with Ryan.
so, you would think adding him into the picture would be a given. have dinner with his family.

minor problem.
Ryan's parents just went through a separation last month.
now it's awkward... his mom is living with a friend and his dad moved to gainesville.
I mean, which parent would we go spend time with?

We considered Vegas with my sister. Then with the price of plane tix and the fact that Ryan has a lame job where he doesn't know his schedule until a week ahead of time and the fact that he works for a company that works through holidays... who knows if he will even have time off. Which brings up another point of how I am STILL very bitter at Waldorf for scheduling John for EVERY holiday before he died. Even though John filled out a request for his top 3 and they "promised" one of them. so, after being stripped from that precious time with him... I will be damned if Universal does the same thing to Ryan.

And as much as it may seem weird for most people... I still want to have my Thanksgiving with the Seays. They are, afterall, still my family. And they are a connected family and not divided by divorce or separation. It makes me feel whole when I am around them. Like they are part of my missing puzzle piece.
I think a large facet of this whole thing has to do with the fact that from the age of three years old I was raised ALONE with my dad.
I never had the big family dinners (until my brother and sister in law eventually had kids and the family grew...) But as time went on and I went to college... I lost all of that. I remember the times when I didn't even get to go home for Thanksgiving because i was tied to the marching band and the ultimate rivalry game of FSU vs. UF. So when I graduated and John and I would sit around and spend out holidays with brothers and sisters and friends and parents and nephews and nieces... it was like a perfect holiday for me. It was the stuff I had always dreamed about.
The stuff you see in those cheesy publix commercials.

This year i questioned whether or not I would be invited to any of the holiday stuff.
I ran it by Jim (John's dad) that I would stop by and of course, he welcomed me. I get nervous to ask them to be part of things... like maybe they don't want me to be a part of anything anymore. That maybe eventually I will be pushed out of the picture. But, even for Halloween I went over and trick or treated with the boys and when I go to their place there are still pictures up of me and John.. and I find comfort in that they still consider me a part of their lives.
But a part of me feels torn by my dad and Ryan's mom. (both rely on US for their plans).
I feel bad that I really don't have much to offer them.
I haven't made any plans.
And how awkward to invite Ryan's mom to my late fiance's family's house for thanksgiving.
Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
see what i am talking about??????

I honestly want to just... sit down... go online and find the cheapest flight to ANYWHERE and book a flight, a hotel, and just go away. Just me and Ryan.
No more worrying or thinking.


I don't want to deal with any of the planning or thinking or hurting feelings or having my feelings hurt. All I have ever wanted was to be surrounded by my favorite people during the holidays. I wanted to feel the warmth of family and the casual chats of "how are you and what have you been up to." Heaping plates of food and sharing funny stories. Watching football on TV or exchanging funny YouTube videos ( a favorite between me and John's sister, Annie).

Of course, I really long for the day when I can start my own family.
my own traditions and all.
Gathering around.
And teaching my children about what it means to be together.

And give them something I never really had growing up.
And what I lost along the way.

1.2.3. freak out time

i was sitting on the couch next to ryan.
and he had been waiting to tell me something.
i am usually good about these things... about if someone is holding back on me.
i wait.

Ryan looks a bit concerned.

He then goes on to tell me that while he had been driving that day he had gotten light headed and thought he was going to pass out. he said he had pains in his chest. (insert dire panic here) He went on saying that he was currently feeling those chest pain again and he thought it would be a good idea to head to the doctor.

this is where my own inner panic started to take control.

What did I want to do???

run away.
cry.
scream. yell.

What did I have to do??

be a big girl.
take the lead.
control myself.
breathe.


My body was moving in a sort of slow motion inside my head even though I knew I was rushing around on the outside. We went in the car and i didn't want to talk. i didn't want the details. mainly because i was afraid of them. i was trying the best i could not to start having a panic attack or let my mind wander to a dark place. and i didn't want to have to take my medicine. i just wanted to be there for him. i wanted to be the normal girlfriend that he deserves to have that should handle these situations rationally and say "i am sure it is nothing, honey." i don't want to make his fears worse. just because the worst has happened to me before. and it's hard to believe in the "it's just nothing, my dear."

we went to a clinic.
and they sent us to the ER.
typical stuff.

i was doing ok.
i wasn't losing it.
i was very calm as we drove to the ER.
I started to plan out how it would pan out.
I already threw working the next day out the window.
I didn't want to text or call anyone and let them know we were going to the ER.
It was like I thought it I admitted it then something would happen. like i was jinxing everything. I didn't want to even believe this was happening. to take ryan to the ER because of chest pain.
As we were signing in to the ER I went to the restroom.
I started crying.
ya know... the ugly kind.

it lasted a minute.
i gave myself that much.

then i went back to ryan.

we made sure the nurses were aware of my past experience. you could tell i was taking it a little harder than most. i have this pasted face of fear. as much as i try and be the bigger person and take care of my boyfriend... i am a damaged and wounded grieving woman who cannot handle the loss of another person I am in love with. 

just walking through the hospital doors was like taking a knife and slowly pushing it through my chest.

it was absolute torture.

fast forward 4 hours......

....

after watching ryan get EKGs an bloodwork and Xrays.... we found out that he was in perfectly good health as far as his heart goes. he has some inflammation in his chest and will be on steroids for a week. It was an absolute relief to hear. although because of my past experiences i feel like ryan has been a little more paranoid about things and so we followed up with his doctor and have been taking every precaution possible to make sure he is 100%.

and poor ryan.... not feeling well and also upset for hurting me.
you could tell it was hard for him to tell me. you could tell it kills him to make me worry and hurt.
i hate that before his own health he puts my own feelings first.
he just wants me to feel good and be happy.
it's what we want for each other.

In my mind i started to run through what life would be like without this worry.
the only way that would be possible would be that if i didn't date ryan.
or anyone for that matter.
the only way to never be worried or hurt is to be single forever.
and i just don't think that is something i could ever do.

so, for now I am gonna take a risk at life. as i did before... and be with ryan.
he's worth it.
and he's healthy.
and we are in God's hands.

                                                   ryan being brave and taking it like a champ.

celebrations.

On Sunday is Ryan's birthday. 

and it makes me nervous.

because it's our first "big" celebration together. 

we have had small holidays here and there.. but we really hadn't anything big.

a birthday, in my eyes, is big.

and then right after come the other biggies... thanksgiving, christtmas, my birthday, new years. 

I am so nervous about screwing things up.

I want Ryan to have the perfect first birthday with me. 

After all, he's turning 25. a quarter of a century.

the last birthday John spent with me.

he was only 25 for 17 days.

so, Ryan and I will be passing a milestone I had never made with John before. He will surpass John in age. John will be frozen 25 forever. I will age. Ryan will age. Moving forward... always...

And as hard as i have been trying to make this birthday fun and exciting... i feel like no one really wants to be part of it. we started out with a big weekend of halloween horror nights and disney's food and wine. then we decided to just do food and wine and help friends get in with discounts and free tickets. 

then I thought ok, that's kind of tough too.

so, lets try a smaller get together. a dinner on friday night.

i made a facebook invite and guess how many people are going so far???

two.

me. 

and ryan.

that's fucking it.

and i can't help but feel betrayed sometimes. or like im being avoided. or not a priority.

i feel like i am messing it up.

that ryan's birthday won't be anything special.. even though he swears that even if it were just me and him he would be ok with it.

So, maybe then it will be.

But I want others to be a part of it.

I want others to celebrate with us.

The other night i told ryan about my feelings regarding his upcoming birthday.

and my impending doom to make it perfect.

and then I tried to reach back in my mind to reflect on John's past birthdays. And it was hard. I definitely remember his last one. the one where he proposed. his last birthday on Earth.

And I remember the one where Annie was REALLY pregnant with the twins and was disappointed with his ice cream cake (which was gross and freezer burnt but only Annie would say anything because she was extremely hormonal at the time.) And then it gets blurry. I don't totally remember every birthday. 

The best part about his birthdays though was that even if we couldn't do something big with friends we had his family to rely on.

his dad would buy balloons.

there would be decorations in the house.

gifts.

cards.

and always a cake. always.

and at least 8 family members gathered around to sing to you.

and the pressure is on for me to make sure he has a good birthday.

and while i have done everything i can from where i am ... i have passed the ball into other's courts. to my friends, his friends, and our friends.

I just want this birthday to work.

I want it to be special. for Ryan.

I want others to share it with us.

But if it's just the two of us... 

then so be it.

...because i have other holidays to stress about now....

...thanksgiving....

christmas....

damn it.