emotional bursting

I am a ball of emotions right now.

For so many reasons.

First.
I am laying next to my really hot boyfriend.
no, seriously.
he has a fever.
The bed feels like a sauna.
And I can't tell you how many times I have checked to watch Ryan's chest rise and fall. I mean, this CANNOT be normal. Any NORMAL girl would be like "oh cute I get to play nurse now and take care of my sick baby cakes..."
NO.
That's not me.
My head says "omg omg. check his temperature like 50 times and ask him a million questions about how he feels. get the keys ready if a ER trip is needed."
THAT. IS. NOT. NORMAL.

What I have been through makes me beyond a freak.
Will I ever learn to think positively?
Will I ever stop jumping to bizarre conclusions?
Can I ever just accept that Ryan doesn't feel good? That he just needs fluids and sleep... like most who are sick.

CAN I JUST PLEASE BE NAIVE AGAIN?????
PLEASE.

Besides being a paranoid freak...
I ran across this video on facebook tonight that someone tagged me in. It was a PASIC 2005 drum video that John was in. In fact, the whole video is talking about John. And he's in it.
It caught me off guard.
(like most things do anyway)
I just started crying in the bed (next to sick Ryan)
I wasn't expecting there to be this video... of living and breathing John. He isn't in the video much... but when he is I am completely taken aback.
I feel like I am seeing fiction now when I see videos of him. Like it can't be real. Then it's a smack in the face. He existed. That life existed.
He was mine and I was his.
That was a life we both shared.
And now my life is completely different.


.........

Which brings me to the last element in my emotions for tonight.
LOVE.
I feel love.
I am so much in love with Ryan.
I feel it more and more each day. I feel the ping of sadness when he isn't around and I feel absolutely horrified when he isn't feeling well.
I am even a bit sad I am leaving him for four days on Thursday.
Because I love him.
And not only do I love him... but I love the people in his life.
I honestly didn't know how well his friends would accept me when we first started dating.
And then we realized that many of them weren't around.
Then a fortunate event happened when John's best friend, Steve, moved back to Orlando... and his lovely wife, Natalie!
I have started to bond with both of them and I feel so excited to have additional friends in my life.
Friends that we share.
People that are connected to me and Ryan.
And people that I genuinely love. already. see? I told you once I love someone it's stuck. I love these people. I love Ryan's friends.

And even better... I got to keep a lot of my friends that I made with John.
And his family.
Ryan and I took out John's dad for lunch the other day. I couldn't help but later think in the car (where I do most of my thinking) (besides ansomnia nights in bed) that I am sooooo fortunate to still have that bond.
And I am still loved by them.
AND they love RYAN.
JOHN'S FAMILY LOVES RYAN.




See!
This is why I can't sleep at night.
Because all at once... I don't even know how it happens... my mind/spirit/body fills with worry/remorse/love/excitement/sadness/happiness/fear.
ALL AT ONCE.
And then I feel I may burst.


Who can teach me the ways?
To harness all these emotions?

it's not always rainbows and sunshine

I have to admit it.
Sometimes I act not sad to make others happy.
And I hate admitting this too because I have upset quite a few people with my feelings.
I am a people pleaser.
And it's killing me.
The other day I was walking ... I think just walking into a store...
and I realized something.

hey. I'm not super happy right now.
That seems ridiculous doesn't it???
I should try and be happy.
I have come a long way.
How can I possibly still be sad?

And the truth is.... it isn't always because of John.
I know a lot stems from that.
It's like six degrees of Kevin Bacon except I can usually trace back all my problems to when John died.
Every problem that arises usually stems somewhere from losing him.

I know that i wouldn't be having the problems I am currently having with my work and with my friends if John were still here.

I have to stop my mind from thinking about where I would have been if I had never lost John. Definitely would have been pregnant by now.
Or already raising my own child.
Beautiful wedding.
Loving and adoring husband.
A job where I was SUPPORTED by my administration, admired by students, and respected by my peers.

But I am here.
And I shouldn't complain.
I have THE most adoring and loving boyfriend a girl like me could ask for.
As I have said before I do not deserve Ryan.

What I DO deserve is SUPPORT.
I deserve people who support my decisions as a teacher.
I deserve recognition for hard work.
I deserve to show off how talented and smart I am. I deserved to have financial stability.

I deserve my moments of sadness... but without fear of expressing those times.
I deserve times of joy... which God has been so gracious and good to give me even out of my grief.


I am just ready for something to go my way.
A LOT.
I am ready for something exciting and life changing.
I am ready for my rainbow.



"Sometimes a shadow, dark and cold, lay like a mist across the road. But be encouraged by the sight. Where there's a shadow there's a light!"




(i don't feel like this entry really captured the way I am feeling. but i tried)

fragile.

there is something about an unknown number showing up on my cell phone screen that excites me...

could this be a job offer?

did i win a million dollars?

is john calling from heaven?

well... usually the first one.

and lately it's been nothing but disappointment. I literally keep my phone on me at all times. i will stop what i am doing (even teaching) if i notice it's an unknown number... in hopes that someone on the other end has good news for me. but no. no good news.

it starts off the same "how is your day?" REALLY? it WAS good... now go ahead and make it a bad day. just don't ask that question right before you tell me I am going to remain poor. or that you are about to shoot down my hopes and dreams.

no news is good news? well that's pretty much bullshit too. because that means that companies and schools haven't even given me the time of day. so at least when they are rejecting me they put some thought into it.

the crazy part to me is today Universal called and rejected me in the Guest services dept. But Ryan, my fantastic and amazing beau, got in. (we had a group interview together... it was quite odd.) and i have been with the company since 2007!!!!!

luckily, one of us got in.

so... it's Ryan's turn to bring home the bacon.

but his two part time jobs will NOT suffice.

it's not enough for us to live on. comfortably. or even in a surviving manner. we need more money... we need to pay rent, bills, etc. ya know... the stuff so that people can live. as i have mentioned before i feel like i deserve these rights. to live in happiness.

i guess i feel owed.

i feel like i deserve a break.

and i shouldn't feel bad for feeling this way.

i realize i have been crying a lot lately. every day for quite awhile now. i can't remember my last cry-less day. in fact, it makes me feel bad for ryan. he sees this crying girl everyday with a slew of problems. i feel like i am whining. i feel like a complainer. how long do i get to use the excuse of losing john? it's just that i feel like there's this domino effect and i can't stop the tiles from falling.... something will eventually have to give, right? i can't have this misfortune forever?? i was listening to "firework" today by katy perry ( i know, real cliche) and the lyric "maybe the reason why all the doors are closed is so you could open one that leads you down the perfect road." it gave me a bit of hope. a bit on inspiration. because really what if that is the case.... that God is going to open a bigger door for me?

but i understand that it's not gonna just fall into my lap.

that i have to work for it.... it's just that i don't feel like big things are going to happen for me when i can't accomplish anything even close to big. i don't have a degree for something big. i don't have the background or knowledge. i don't have money. how can big things happen for me? i don't even buy lottery tickets. big things can only happen when you go after them. and i need to go after something.

last night i watched a montage of pictures of john that his sister put together. i hadn't watched the video for awhile. but, last night i took time. i sat in the bed. macbook in lap. ryan to my side with his macbook in lap (don't worry. mine belongs to the school. boy, im gonna miss it.) and i watched. the stream of tears instantly hit me. i held in every single sob that i could to keep ryan from hearing. i honestly try to hold back my crying when Ryan is around... but i can't help my feelings. i just want him to think i am more put together than i really am. it's like i was broken into a million pieces and someone put me back together with that paste/glue we used in kindergarten. it doesn't work at all. it barely can glue pieces of paper together. and yes, i did try and taste it.

that's me. broken. put back together poorly.

just fragile.

if i am not careful... i just may shatter again.

the seasons of my life

for those of us living... life goes on.

and on and on.

and just as the Bible states... there is a time for everything.

"a season for everything..."

i often wonder what season of my life i am in right now. because honestly my life could fall into so many categories. a fall? after all... my leaves have been falling ... and changing constantly...

it seems most of the leaves of my life have been dying and making their slow drop to the ground below.

john.

my job.

my bank account.

my figure.

or am i in a spring? where things that once were dead and becoming new again?

john died. and i found ryan. /

i lost my job. perhaps a better one is around the corner?

perhaps i am in the in between. in a winter of sorts. where i lost things in my fall (or autumn. ha) and now i am in the waiting zone. waiting for the snow to melt and uncover the greener part of my life.

i am assuming that is where i am.

some good news though.

my atrocious roommates have moved out. although it didn't start out so great.. they basically tried to sneak out on us and not pay the last month's rent. as happy as i was to see them moving out early... there was no way they could just deny me their last month's rent and basically leave me in the dust. how cruel and inconsiderate of a person can you possibly be? thank goodness for amazing, smart people that do their homework. Ryan and Jim were quite a team. Ryan doing his research and Jim being a real estate attorney. i will have my money. just... not exactly when i need it.

figures.

but, we made it through.

i officially put in my LAST month of rent for this hell hole and now am looking forward to moving to our new place next month.

the best part is... we actually live alone now. and it's bliss. absolute bliss. no more stepping on egg shells in my own home. i can leave that to my job. i have a sense of peace when i get home now and i have seen a dramatic improvement in my mood. it was amazing how much these two really got to me emotionally and mentally.

and with that weight off my shoulders i still have much more to carry.

the weight of finding a job worries me.

and it's times when i do not have a job where i wonder... well, maybe i should persue something else? i always feel like i want to do 100 things more in my life than i can handle. i would love to go back to school. i would love to work with animals or psychology. i would love to be an actress or get singing lessons and be on broadway. i would love to work in television or radio. there are just so many things i want to do and only 1 life to try it with.

so. now that i am in this transition period of my life.

should i take a leap of faith to do something new?

or continue my passion to teach?

the light at the end of this tunnel is that i have someone in my corner.

even as i was writing this blog tonight ryan came over and said "baby, im in your corner..."

it almost gives me chills when he says that because that is EXACTLY what john used to say to me all the time and wrote it almost every love letter and card he wrote. it was important for him to let me know he was here for me. it's easy to be overwhelmed by the world and feel like everyone is against you. but what a relief it can be when you realize you actually aren't alone and that you have someone there for you by your side. that will hold your hand through your worst. that will love you through the thick and the thin. through the high tides and the low. and that was john.

and that is ryan.

the two men of my life.

the men who would never let me down.

and still never will.

even though john left me. he would have never chosen to do so on his own.

i still believe very much so that he is in my corner.

i have two wonderful, strong men on my side. one in heaven.

one on earth.

and that is what damn good support team.

1 year.

How does one go about recognizing their lost loved one on a d-day? death day. the day of their death.

i know there were many ways i could have gone about it. it was something that was on my mind constantly as the date approached. i had so many options.

i am guessing not many thought i would take a cruise with my current boyfriend.

but i guess that's ok.

because as I have stated before, there is no rule book for grief. it's a learning experience in which we all need to find our own path.

this photo was taken of me and John's dad on the way to his funeral...

I have contemplated what April 22, 2011 was going to have in store

for me.

Was I going to be washed away with an overflow of emotions? would i break down?

before Ryan came into the picture I had thought of spending the date with my family... and then after consideration... decided that it may not be the best choice. My family was first on the scene to pick me up on that darkest of days. To re-live that would be almost like having a second funeral. To sit around in sadness.... to relive that day over and over again. A day which i re-live almost everyday anyway. There isn't a thing in the world that can take away the picture of finding John in the bed... eternally sleeping. Nothing.

but if i could do anything to lessen the blow of April 22... going on a cruise with a new found love would probably be a good idea.

and it was.

and it was still painful.

and i am sure it isn't easy for Ryan.... for a couple reasons.

first, he hates to see me upset... and i know he feels helpless in that he cannot take back what has happened or even give back what was taken. And second, he shares me. He shares my love with someone who isn't even alive. but, none the less... my heart has been divided into parts in which he is just one. (now granted a big one now)

now.

a few months ago... actually a while ago... i wrote out in detail ALL the things that had happened THAT day. that dark day.

from walking into the room to the sirens and the screams... to the coroners to the funeral...

and I have been telling myself I will publish it so others can fully understand. but i just can't seem to do it. and i thought i would on the anniversary. but once again i am holding back. perhaps I never will share all those details. perhaps they are meant for me... and perhaps they are things you don't want to hear. but then again, there is always this part inside of us... deep inside of us... that longs to know... what REALLY happened and how did it all unfold.

i am telling you now.

right here and now.

it's something i wouldn't wish upon my most evil of enemies.

because there is just something so raw about it.

something so tormenting to the heart and soul... to see the love of your life dead in front of you. cold, stiff body and unfamiliar face.

the person you left was not the person you came home to.

and then sometimes i am like... "is this seriously the hand i was given?"

and we can go back to the "unfair" game.

it's a game i know well.

my life is unfair.

and it's easy to get stuck in the unfair rut.

to think about nothing but all the bad things that have happened.

and neglect the wonderful things.

and i don't want to be in that spot.

i want to be able to look back on all the wonderful times i had with that wonderful man. that contagious laugh. that brilliant smile. those strong hands. the sweet soul. the strong heart.

funny how something so strong could be the thing that took him away.

a heart.

what has my life come down to after 1 year of grief?

what advice can I offer to a person just starting the journey?

1) dont rely on medication. just dont fucking do it. you WILL regret it, i promise. when it's time to get off of them (and you will want to... trust me) it will be a horrible experience that will make you feel worse than you did before. try other means before turning to drugs. drugs will not take the pain away. they will help numb you. but thats all they can offer.

2) dont follow the 7 steps of bullshit. grief doesn't follow steps. just like life doesn't always follow your well made out plans... just grieve the way you need to. no one but you understands how you feel no matter what people try and tell you.

3) stick close to your friends and family. THE REAL ONES. You will have those that are there momentarily and then you will have those that will stick with you the WHOLE time through. those are the ones that will carry you the furthest.

4) Pray. and don't stop. have people pray for you. if it is ever offered... take it.

5) Love God. as much as you can say you hate Him for taking away your love... He still loves YOU. it wasn't something personal against YOU. it's not a "lesson." it's just... life. as much as I cringe to think of it that way. there is no vendetta.

6) find someone that is going through the same thing as you. i found other young widows (and they found me)... seek out others who TRULY understand. If you lost your 25 year old fiance then it isn't always so helpful to talk to someone who lost their 80 year old grandma.

7) dont give up on living. life will move on with or without you.

8) try new things. this is the time in your life to experience something new and give your mind and soul a renewal. i took up photography and i changed jobs.

9) blog. write. sing. ... have a CREATIVE outlet in which you can release your inner thoughts other than spewing words to other's ears.

10) get away. go on vacation. take breaks. people need to get a fucking clue that you need time to yourself once in awhile. and if they can't accept that than really fuck them. i know from personal experience. ugh.

11) if people can't be happy for your happiness than they aren't worth your time. any moment of joy should be praised! if someone makes you feel guilty for having happy moments than they aren't being good friends.

12) laugh. just laugh.

13) cry. and cry a lot. it's totally fine. even in public. you DO NOT need to explain yourself. trust me, i tried it all the time... and why? i had no reason to. i don't have to validate my grief to strangers. they can get over it.

14) stay involved with your past life. although living in the past will hurt and there are things that WILL change... please do not DROP everything you once had. that means friends and family. favorite places and movies and music. those are still part of you. if things become too painful then tuck them away for a time when you are ready. i just recently started watching specific genres of movies i had taken a break from since John's death. but i missed them.

15) it's ok to love again. if you lost love, that is. don't let anyone tell you different. I know John would want that for me... i know he wouldn't want me to stay miserable and alone. he would want me taken care of and honestly I think he helped send Ryan my way :)

16) reach out to others. volunteer. do charity work. find others that need help. you may feel like you have it the worst.... but go out in the world and see that there may be others that have it even worse. now help them.

... that's it for now. im sure not the most SOUND advice. but advice none the less.

You'll Never Walk Alone

I can't remember when I first started loving this song... I believe it was before I met John. Actually I know it was.

It's from the musical "Carousel." If you have never heard it please listen:

MYNWA

or listen to the Madison scouts version:

Madison Scouts

...but I know I love this song. one of my favorite musical songs of ALL TIME. All time.

The words are just perfect. And there isn't much to it really... but it really is a song to listen to in all times in your life. I remember one time in John's car (we had been dating around a year maybe... maybe more) it was my turn to choose music. I was going to put in a CD.... carousel. And of course i skipped right to my favorite part. As the music began john started to get choked up. And then he was crying. he asked me to take the cd out. the song had so much meaning to him from when he marched with Madison scouts. I never played it again in his presence. I was so surprised about the reaction it gave him. i knew john was emotional but that was the ONLY song that I ever saw him cry over.

So, I bought the musical carousel. although i love the music i had never seen the musical itself. it's kind of weird in a way.... this girl falls in love with this really not so awesome guy. like he's mean to her and he steals... and in the end he gets to somewhat redeem himself (even after smacking his daughter when he is an angel). anyway, the music is amazing.

why do the lyrics speak to me?

When you walk through a storm
Keep your chin up high
And don't be afraid of the dark.
At he end of the storm
Is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark.

Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Tho' your dreams be tossed and blown.Walk on, walk on
With hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone,
You'll never walk alone

So, there you have it. Simple yet completely true.

I often sometimes feel like i am still walking alone. even with the new addition in my life (boyfriend) i do feel like i am holding back as far as letting him know how much attention i need.

everyone is different when they are upset.

some run from their problems.

some lock it deep inside and never let another soul in.

some turn on themselves or others.

i run... to someone's arms. those arms once belonged to john. he would hold me and kiss my head and let me know "i am always in your corner." john had my back constantly. constantly. there was never any question about anything. he was on my side. and he loved me through thick and thin.

my fear now is will current bf be able to do the same?

i know he is not john. i know he is different and unique in his own way.... but i am so nervous to let him see the sad, depressed side of me. when i have a break down i really want to pick up the phone and call him. and then think twice because i risk scaring him away. magically, he hasn't been swayed yet. he's strong. and considerate.

im going to go ahead and say he's awesome.

because he is.

and i never doubted it.

but i want to be the same in his eyes. i feel bad for the things i carry with me. like my burden has now turned into OUR burden. i don't even know why i use the word burden. maybe... tragedy. what happened was a tragedy. a hurdle in my life. ok, no a hurdle. a big fucking mountain. volcano. with oozing lava. yes, hurdle my ass.

will boyfriend ever wish "man, i should have dated someone a little more normal..."

because i know i am not your average girl anymore.

i am now included in this small category. the category most men would run away from.

i guess i still find it hard that someone could love me again.

if he does love me. i mean, eventually. maybe. what??

ugh.

WHERE ARE THE DIRECTIONS TO DATING AFTER LOSING????

Can someone please tell me.

Can i get some answers pronto please?

why do i have to do this on my own?

with my crazy brain.

which has only gotten crazier since i am weening myself off Paxil.

I am at 10mg now. and in a few more days I am going off completely!! which is scary. but by then i hope boyfriend will be there to comfort me through.

he is pretty comforting already. and so understanding.

the other day in the car i told him the story. the story of April 22.

he sat and listened the whole time. holding my hand and rubbing my arm. i did a pretty good job of not crying. i told the story as if it has been imprinted on my tongue. and it just rolls off. i try not to think of it deeply. unless i am alone. i got misty at the end. and when i looked at him he wasn't opening his car door and jumping out. he was still ok. he was still attracted to me. he still liked me. and that makes it much better.

self image

I hate being fat.

And I am not afraid to admit I am.

And please don't try and convince I am not.

I see myself in the mirror. But even worse.... I see myself in photos. And I see a ton of flaws. Self image is something many people struggle with. And mine seems to be suffering even more since I lost John. I think a huge part of it has to do with the fact that he isn't around to call me beautiful anymore. When you are told you are beautiful for so long and when someone likes your body no matter what for so many years... being without that confidence boost can be really depressing. It didn't mean that because I had John I wanted my body to go to shit. It just meant that he accepted me. He was insanely in love. We both were blinded by love. To the point where imperfections just didn't exist.

I could try and blame many things for my weight.

Stress.

Depression.

My medication.

birth control.

being busy.

etc. etc.

and those all contribute.... but....

(and there's always a but...)

it's sooooo me.

I eat ok now. I really did cut back on soda (sometimes i go a week without it and then splurge on the weekend). I started tracking my food. I now eat breakfast!!! (something I NEVER used to do...) I have been eating more fruit and less red meat. But I am still a long way from where i should be. I fall into the temptation of fast food easily. Especially when I am stressing out. I almost have a slight binge. It's scary. If I am on the phone with a friend and I pull into a fast food restaurant i have to make up an excuse to hang up.. or I put them on mute. I am completely embarrassed. and it's not like I pull up and order 5 cheeseburgers. Its usually something small. not even a full meal. like fries and a drink. or a ice cream. but either way.... it's not helping me.

My struggle with drinking water has always been a problem. I don't know what it is but I can't seem to stay hydrated ever. I know I need to be taking in way more water than I do currently.

And exercise???

pah!

It's totally random.

I don't stick to a routine. I am not hard enough on myself. I make excuses.

I sometimes take out my drum corps scrapbooks.... and i have a hard time believing i was ever that thin. or tan. or had muscles in my arms and legs. I must say my arms, legs and ass used to be quite toned.

And there isn't a reason they can't be again.

I just dont know if i will ever be in drum corps shape again. I mean, they literally kicked our asses and we worked so hard that weight was never an issue. i knew every summer that i would be losing 15-25 pounds. It was a given. When i would come back from drum corps i took advantage of the body i had. In corps you could eat an insane amount of food and not gain an ounce because you worked it off by the next rehearsal block. I continued to eat like that when I would get back to college. And then the weight came back.

And then i would get sad. and it's a vicious cycle.

sometimes i get in this mode... where I exercise daily and eat healthy... only to fall out of it within a week. A few summers ago I did weight watchers and lost 10 pounds and was really happy with it. so, i know i can do it again.

I just have to suck it up.

My friend, Diana. She is an amazing success story and I am completely jealous of her.

She and I both started doing Medi weight loss last year in January. I lost about 10 pounds... but eventually had to stop because it got very expensive and I started to wander away from the plan. Diana kept going... and she also started to do things like running and stuff. I didn't. Now she has lost about 40 pounds... she looks STUNNING... and can run like a beast.

I just don't get this whole running thing. I literally want to throw up everytime i run.

HOW THE HELL DO PEOPLE DO THIS FOR FUN?

self image.

im starting to freak out.

what if no one ever find me attractive again?

I am 27. I am overweight. I am a widow.

I already have so much going against me.

Not to mention the other issues I deal with in my mind. my mole was one of those things. and I had it removed. and now all i can focus on is my scar.

then there's my nose. which many think is completely normal but i find it a bit too... big. my boobs are too big. my stomach make me look pregnant. my arms are fat. my butt is losing it's cute shape. my legs are getting chunky. I have grays.

I want to feel pretty.

Sometimes.... sometimes... i feel it. i have my days where I have a confidence inside of me that feels attractive. And then a lot of times i feel insecure.

I guess I am ready to be called beautiful again.

And not just out of pity.

And not just by others.

but by myself.

to look in the mirror and actually like the reflection i see.

text messages

I have not deleted my text messages from John.

I don't know if I ever will have the guts to do so.

Sometimes I make the mistake and open them up... and read them.... I have to browse through the ones I have sent since his death. Yes, for some reason I still find myself texting him. After he first died I always had the urge to text... when anything interesting was happening... and then would stop myself and realize that he wasn't going to respond. But, now I purposely text and KNOW there will be no response... but also the text isn't sent back either. It goes out to outerspace somewhere i guess. No one has John's number. I have called it recently. I had butterflies in my stomach when I pressed his name in my phone. And it went straight to the voice of a woman saying the number was no longer in service. Either way, it's hurtful. I remember the day I had to cut off his line. They asked if I wanted to keep the number. I frantically asked everyone in John's house if they wanted it. No one did. It's painful. And a Tallahassee number.

So, yes... I send John text messages.

And I am not alone.

Patrick Swayze's wife recently in an interview confessed she still texted her husband after death:

Niemi, who will appear on the televised Stand UpTo Cancerbenefit today to raise funds for research, said she always texted Swayze while traveling.

"I just put what I always did: 'I love you.' And then I cried for a little bit to myself," she told People magazine. "It [the text message] didn't come back. So either somewhere out there received it, or someone's going, 'Somebody loves me!' And you know what? I figured it was a win-win situation."

Grief has no timeline, according to psychological experts, and it varies according to each individual. According to Weide, about 15 percent of those with a loss experience "traumatic grief," unable to move forward.

The sense of loss is "permanent," and the person who feels it is forever changed, she said, but most are eventually able to move on from the acute phase and manage the pain.

So, I am not alone in this.

It's when I start scrolling up.... and up.... and see the texts that John sent me. His last text sent to me was on April 20, 2010. Two days before he died. It says "I love you so much. I'll be thinking about you." Reading this text always makes me lose it. Especially because in the next text on April 22, 2010 I say "It's 5pm... how are you still sleeping?!" Little did I know that John wasn't sleeping at all. He had already left this Earth to be in heaven. The text sends chills down my spine. My John.... already taken from me. I was oblivious to it all. An hour later I would come home to find him. Cold and blue.

As I scan through texts I find some that make my heart still leap.

The day after he proposed he said "Smile! You are to be my wife! See? Isn't life just great?"

...and it was. Life at that moment was the best it had ever been. I couldn't imagine it getting any better.

While I was at MPA last year John texted me this: "Just remember I love you so much, your kids will do great today because you're a great teacher, you're to be my wife, you deserve happiness, and I won't be doing anything foolish in Dayton. ;) I love you."

....you deserve happiness. Once again.... John's purpose in life. To make me happy. When I read the word wife I just can't bear the fact that John will never have that chance. To marry. To start a family. To grow old and have a full life. He wanted this just as much as me. And now look where we are. John's goal in life.... my happiness .... is failing. How could he have known that the destruction of my happiness would be due to him? Even though he had no control over it. If John is watching me, which I know he is, is it tearing him up? To watch me in misery? To watch me sit in the bath tub an cry over the edge sobs of longing.... yelling out "Baby... please. please. please.." Why is it I always go back to that? Please? What am I asking for? And who am I asking? It's because words fail me. What else is there to yell out? What's the use in that anyway?

John's number is still programmed in my phone. John (ilymtli) to be exact

I took him off my favorites a month ago. Only because it would sometimes automatically call him if i hit the button on accident. I do not have the heart to delete his name. Deleting his name is making one more thing final. And I feel like baby steps are best. For a man who claimed he wasn't good at writing or talking on the phone he sure did have a way with making me feel like a princess whenever he sent me a message. His adoration for me and our love flowed even through my iPhone. He was. amazing. he is still amazing. He will always be that amazing man. and as milestones approach I will continue to send him messages. Knowing there will never be one in return. All green boxes. No gray anymore. A conversation spoken to myself.

ilymtli

in darkness and in light

I have a friend.
A best friend.
We met for lunch today.
It was our usual post FMEA lunch we do.
But I knew this one would be different.
Because since April our relationship has been different.
Now I had made it to the restaurant early and found myself on the phone with a friend from college. And it was a great conversation... and at the end there were tears as I told her the details of John's death she had been unaware of. I guess there are still many who don't know. Which bothers me. How can my friends talk to me and move through many conversations and not know exactly what happened to John. That would be something I would HAVE to know. I mean, what do they THINK happened is what gets me.
Anyway, conversation ends and I hang up. I cry. Wipe tears.
Best friend walks in...
We sit. Order our drinks and then we say our words.
Except she has the floor.
She mentions how we have been distanced from each other since John's death. True.
She mentions how I am bitter. True
She also brings up things that in my mind... I am unaware of. sort of. I mean, I figured it happens sometimes... but she really lays it down.
I'm mean. I'm distant. I don't ask about anyone else's lives.
And Im floored.
And I crying and sobbing.
This cannot happen.
I refuse to lose my best friend.
Why?
Because I love her. Because I need her. Because she fills in the gaps of what I am missing. Because she makes me laugh. Because she was there for everything. Because she is one of the best friends you could ever ask for. Because I honestly CANNOT live without her. And because I know that John would hate for us to lose our amazing relationship because he left Earth.
John loved her and cared for her.
He always made sure her and I kept a strong relationship.
It was important to him that I never lose those bonds.
And now I know why.
Because one day.... when you least expect it... you could lose your John.
And all you have left are those friends. Those anchors.
That keep you in place during a strong tide of your life.
And God help you if you lose those friendships during your relationship. And what a lonely road to walk alone.
But I will not.
Because she will not let me.
And neither will others.

Valentines Day two years ago I made a collage for her... and a quote... that I never knew would have the immense relevance that it does today...
"Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light."

And then I wrote: "To a friend I would walk with in light or darkness."

Because it's true.
And now here I am. In my darkness.
And she is still walking with me.
And I could have lost her.
But she chose to stay the course and help me.
And when I gave her that... I didn't expect for the darkness to come to my life so suddenly. I was perfectly happy walking in my light. But luckily I still had her then... and many others.

I just don't want to lose people because I scare them away.
Because I am not pleasant.
Because I am rude or bitter.
Please allow me to cry. Please listen to my stories about John. Please know that I am doing everything in my power to live day to day without breaking down.
Getting out of bed has been a big feat!

But forgive me, everyone, if I had done or said something stupid.
Because the last thing I want to do is lose you.

I could always use a hand to hold while I was in this darkness.

the 27th of November

On November 27th 2004 I picked up the phone and dialed John's number. He picked up and I put on my brave face. I was nervous and shaky. I missed him. I really missed him. We had been separated just a few days and I found out that I couldn't stand to be away from him. So, as he answered the phone I just started with "Ok, John. Let's just make this official!"

This was something we both knew was coming.

Maybe he had known a little longer... especially since he told my friend he was in love with me after 3 months of knowing me.

And that was it. It was official. We finally could introduce ourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend. It was sort of a relief. I don't know why it took me 3 months to figure it out. I mean, there was some things we needed to get situated first. We definitely had stuff to work through... and I was a bit leary in the beginning... but I knew my decision was ok. That we were going to be a good couple.

Oh boy, was I ever right. Every month was a celebration. 1 month, 2 months, 3, 4, 5... people made fun of us all the time for celebrating the months. But why not? Celebrating loving someone is something I can always make time for. We ate out, exchanged gifts, and celebrated. I was absolutely in love. And as time went on our relationship got tighter, better, and stronger. Things that were a worry before had cleared themselves up. We made sacrifices for each other to better our relationship. That's what love is about. To sacrifice things (time, posessions, etc.) to better yourself and the one you love. To better the relationship you have together.

As we hit year one we stop celebrating months... but the year marks were always a HUGE deal. Last year John and I took a trip to Savannah, GA for our anniversary. It was a fantastic time. It was the best last anniversary to have... and I will never forget the time we spent there together.

John and I at a fountain at Forsyth Park in Savannah, GA.

Blowing out our 5 year anniversary cupcake candle!

So, yesterday was supposed to be 6 years. 6 years of being "official." Before a facebook status made you offcial. John's parents still celebrate their dating anniversary. By this anniversary we would have been married and looking forward to our first marriage anniversary. Hard to believe.. how different things are now.

John pouring a glass of wine for our 4th anniversary at our old apartment.... he surprised me with gifts and he made dinner! :)

I miss having those times to celebrate. Celebrating love. Our own special date.

It's hard to swallow the truth that I have to start all over again one day. It's hard to imagine it being anyone but John.

Nov 10, 2000

I have been meaning to write this entry for a few days now... but have not been given the chance. It is a story of my past that some people may know already but also one that many are not aware of.
John's death was not my first experience with death.
It was the MOST traumatic event of my life... but not the only.

And every year I remember the day November 10. It's been implanted into my memory as I am sure April 22 will now be for the rest of my life. I really thought no day could ever be as bad as that day has been. I knew that would be the worst I would have to experience. I wasn't prepared to lose John. I wasn't prepared to lose Dennis either... or... Mr. Kusy.
This year marked 10 years since he died in a car accident in Lake Wales...around 7pm.
That day is still very fresh and vivid in my mind. Not to mention I have that afternoon on videotape... his last hours of life captured in red, blue, green.

It was a regular day of school on a Friday.
I was in theory class with my director and mentioned the fact that I had never been taught how to drive stick shift... did I mention I barely knew how to drive anyway??? He then had the idea to teach me after school. Yes, this is a big no-no for teachers... but it was 10 years ago and it was Polk county. Things are a bit different. Sort of. Did I mention I had a huge crush on him? Oh yes... he was a handsome man. He was 24 when he passed. He was weeks away from his 25th birthday. When I decided to take on the path of being a band director and go to the same college as Dennis I was a little nervous about the age 24... like it would curse me. But alas, I am 26. I out lived him. And I outlived my John.
That afternoon when I went out driving with him I was joined by my two very good friends at the time.. Danielle and Zack. Before the driving lesson we had to take video of a swimming competition Dennis was doing with another teacher at the school (Stanchu... who taught math). They did a friendly rivalry competition thing every other week for our school news. I held the camera and filmed those moments. Moments of laughter and fancy free. I was behind the camera... laughing the whole time. When we dropped off the other teacher at school Dennis said something that we would remember forever... "see you over the rainbow..."
Why did he choose to say that at that moment? I don't know.
But the song "Somewhere over the rainbow" has been a tear jerker for me ever since.
Then it was time for driving lessons.
Both Danielle and I got a try at it. We drove all around the small town... grinding gears and all. It wasn't so impressive. I remember at one point I had driven off the road. It was scary. And dangerous. I remember how nervous I was when he had put his hand over mine on the shifter... and when he touched my leg to tell me to push the clutch. I was 16 years old. I was a girl. These things happen.
He dropped us off back at the school afterwards. I remember him smiling at me and his last words were "practice for All County" I am sure there was a goodbye after that but that's what stuck in my head.
Always a band director.
When I got a confusing phone call at 7pm from a friend I didn't know what was going on. No one was really positive of what happened. All I knew was there was an accident and someone said he may have died. It just couldn't be. I had just seen him a couple hours before. I remember calling his house and leaving messages on his answering machine. I remember saying "people are spreading this rumor...so you should call me so I can tell you about it... " I remember the panic. And then I called around until I had enough people telling me he had died. Then I looked at my dad with horror and screamed "we have to go." My dad didn't hesitate. He was crying right along with me... and we went to the place where the accident had been. By the time we got there everything was cleaned up and there was no trace of it. Then my dad called his friend at a impound place... and sure enough his car had been taken there. When we pulled up I ran to his car... mangled and twisted on his side. I grabbed a magnet from the back and went to open the drivers side to climb in. I had no idea why I had chosen to do so. Panic and pain make you do silly things. There was blood in the seat and some plaques in the passenger seat. I was pulled away from the car screaming.
My dad took me home and I stayed up all night crying and holding his picture.
That was my first real punch in the face from life.
The months following are a blur. I was given some of his possessions. I was allowed to leave class if I needed to. I would always go to his office and lay on his couch and cry.
Eventually...life went on. I continued with school... I graduated... I continued to remember him... and still do to this very day.
I have dreams with him still. I have even had a dream where both Dennis and John were in it. SO WEIRD.


I really envy people who go through life without having to experience a close death. How can people be so lucky to avoid it? Maybe there are those that choose to not have many close to them in order not to experience the pain. I have thought about it... but the thought of not loving anyone is completely unbearable. I need love. It's how I survive. But how nice would it be to not have to deal with it... death, mourning, pain and grief. And that's why people may avoid me... so they don't have to deal with it either. I guess I get it. But at the same time I don't. How can you possibly just ignore it? How can you act like I am ok? How can you appreciate me just faking through days.


Lately I suck at faking... apparently. I have had more comments than ever of people asking me "is there something wrong?" "what happened to you?" "are you having a bad day." A stranger today in the vet's office said to me "it really looks like you are having a hard time right now.." At this point I broke out in tears. He felt so awkward. This man... with cut marks all over his arms. Saying MY life was hard. One of my students even came up to me Friday and said "Ms. Hassell... you look depressed." Wow. My psychiatrist even noticed that something was wrong with me. Although I denied it. Because what do I say?? The answer is always the same. There is no magical new answer. It's always John.
Ok, that's a lie.
Layers are being added daily. Things are getting complicated.
As time goes on I find myself constantly discovering myself. The good things about myself and the bad.
I am human. And this is becoming more and more apparent each day.
And I am discovering that I am just as weak as I am strong. If that makes sense. John can't fill in my gaps anymore. He can't cover my flaws. And I can't put my energy into helping his either.
I am discovering the true meaning of friendship.
I am slowly drifting from people...
and I am finding new people to add into my life... when I need them most. Almost as if God pointed them in my direction.
I HATE losing people.
But it's happening. As much as I try to prevent it... it's not always a choice for me to make. And for someone who likes to be in control and have things fixed right away... I am not doing so well with this part.
I want to make everyone happy.
But I have to focus on myself right now.
Or else I will lose myself.


I am discovering how special my love was with John.
How one of a kind it was... and how I may never be able to find THAT love again.


John's quilt project has hit a wall. I have not gotten any donations lately. And I am getting nervous. I don't have much time left. I was hoping to put in my order by the 20th.... and that's 5 days away. So please... if you can help.. PLEASE let me know. I really want to make these by Christmas time!!! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

It's just a Tuesday. In my world.

It's 9pm. I am sitting in the bath tub. The water is extra hot and I have mixed both bath oil and bubble bath. I am contemplating shaving. It's now a once a day routine... sadly. I do it anyway... it's not such a long process.
I sit in the tub and just let the day sink in. I just got home from judging All County. In the French horn room. 20 horns in a row. 20 middle school horns.
My head is aching.
And not just because it's late and not just because of all county.
I have had a long day. Nicole is gone all week in NYC and I have been teaching classes all by myself. Even though I have done this the 3 previous years before... this was before I had 430 kids. I respect Nicole so much.... because she used to do it alone. I don't know how she did. Almost all my classes are wonderful... I love my school and I love my kids. And then there's the one class. The class that I try not to pour my emotions into or get worked up with but end up doing it anyway. My 7th period. They are a handful to say the least. I want so bad to show these students how much I love music and how much I love them but no matter how hard I try they don't let me through. Their lack of respect puts up a barrier. I can't even be myself because they don't care enough for me to do so. I want to laugh and smile and joke with them. I want to play music and get them passionate for performing. But, I mostly end up yelling all period and telling kids to be quiet. Or we sit in total silence because they CANNOT handle anything else. I hate the way they make me feel. Because it's not what I want to feel. I don't want to be angry with them and I don't want them to hate me.
So, after class today I just stood there as they all filed out of the room... and as other students came to pick up their stuff I started to feel the blood rush to my face. An all too familiar feeling. My eyes filled up with tears and I collapsed in a chair to cry. Some students came to comfort me. They hugged me, rubbed my back and talked to me.
The students are comforting ME.
Of course none of them are from 7th period.
So we have developed a bond, a relationship... that I cannot establish with my 7th period.
And all of a sudden I end up a blubbering mess. I spill out my feelings to my kids and next thing I know... they are all crying with me.
I tell them how much I care about them and how much my job means to me.
That they don't realize that they are really all I have.
Because in a way that's how I feel.
John used to take up such a big chunk of my life that I didn't allow for other things to take any place in it.
I rushed home daily from my job to be with him.
I revolved everything around him and our relationship.
I do not regret it.
But I have had to figure out how to fill in his space.
So, I allowed my students to have a large piece of that space.
To fill it with purpose and passion. To give that space some life and hope. That perhaps I can inspire a student or give someone else purpose in their life.
So, it's frustrating when I can't reach them all.

One of my students wrote me an email this evening. It was so sweet and heartfelt. It made me feel better because I know I have reached her. And I may not be able to reach all 430 of the kids I have... but if I can just reach a few perhaps I will serve a greater cause.

All this reflected while in a bathtub.

After the bath I take a chewable aspirin for my headache and my paxil and wellbutrin. Oh, lets not forget the birth control and right before bed a clonapin. And a spray of flonase.
All these pills. All the medicines.
All to make me functional.

I download the latest episode of Dexter to watch later after I blog. I still watch this show even though it was "our" show. Me and John's.
Lily wants to play. She always wants to play. She has taken my underwear out of the hamper and has cheerfully spread them all over my living room and bedroom. Um. Gross.
She attacks my pants and toes as I walk to the couch. It's like I am always swimming in shark infested water with her tiny sharp teeth. I yell "no" and make mean noises and she still looks happy and smiles. It's all a game still. She grabs a tennis ball. I throw it literally 20 times. She doesn't get tired of it until it rolls under the couch.

I feel so bad when I dont have the energy to play with her all the time. I am super exhausted and she is so hyper that I can't begin to keep up with her. How can I possibly be a mom one day? I mean... Lily is just a puppy. Not like I will be a mom at the rate I am going right now.

Tomorrow I get paid. THANK GOD. I HATE living pay check to pay check.
I am sooo poor it's not even funny. Most of my expenses go towards GAS. I travel a lot now. Back and forth to places. Not to mention work. Which is half an hour each way. It's killing me. And so is my obsession with itunes. I am constantly on the hunt for new music. Stuff that doesn't always have to remind me of John... but at the same time helps me with my grief. I have always gone back to my high school days and started listening to Nichole Nordeman again. Her lyrics are AMAZING. I cried and cried the other day in the car when I listened to River God and Anyway. And probably the most inspiring song for a widow... would be Every Season. It talks about the seasons of life... and right now...I feel I am in my fall/winter. The leaves are changing... the branches are cracking and I am surronded by death.
When will my spring arrive?

Tomorrow is Wednesday.
Tomorrow is not today.
Tomorrow is filled with meetings.
Tomorrow I get a visit from a friend :)
Tomorrow I get a paycheck.
Tomorrow I don't see 7th period.
Tomorrow is a shorter day of school.
Tomorrow is one day closer to my vacation to Las Vegas.
Tomorrow is one day away from my loss.
Tomorrow is another day without John.


JOHN'S QUILT PROJECT UPDATE:
$295 raised so far!!!!
Thank you to those who have donated! I love you and appreciate your support. Once I get the project finished I will write out a list to all of those who helped raise the money so they can be recognized!




ilymtli

I know that time brings change... and change takes time

I get the "it takes time" talk a lot.

And if anyone knows me well enough.... you will know some things about me instantly:

1) I over-analyze EVERYTHING. it's just what I do
2) I am loud. always.
3) I don't bullshit you.
4) I have no patience

So, this whole "it takes time" thing is NOT my cup of tea. I want results... and I want them NOW. I am ready to stop feeling this way. I want to feel the way i did before April 22. Happy with life... content... accomplished... moving forward...

but.

and there's always the but.

because a but always represents reality.

in reality.... as much as I hate it... it's going to take time. It took me a few months to fall in love with John. It took us 5 and half years to figure how the perfect relationship. So, 6 months will not make anything magically go away. My feelings for John have not stopped. I am still very much in love with him and who he was. I still have high expectations when it comes to men...and people. And I am still learning how to go through this journey of grief. I pass milestones daily. small and BIG. they all matter because they all are a step for me.
I feel like this has been a slow journey. I feel like days linger without John.
When you're down... the world turns slowly.

I am aware that with time wil come a change in my life.
I am changing daily.
My personality has changed a little.
My demeanor.
My outlook on life.
My treatment of others,
My hobbies and work ethic.

What happened to me has forced me to change... but not exactly WHO I am. Because I am still very much me... just with a varying perspective.
Change takes time.
I cannot expect to find anyone to replace John anytime soon.
Do I miss love? You bet.
Do I wish I had someone to come home to every night? of course.
There is a part inside of me that begs for affection.
Just because I lost John doesn't mean I don't crave natural things... like intimacy... and sex.
I think about sex a lot now.
Probably more than I ever have.
Because it's been takin away from me.
I long to be touched and kissed and held. I long to hear the words "I love you" and not just from friends and family... but by an intimate partner.
I imagine sometimes that John whispers those words in my ear as I sleep at night. And that is my fuel to survive another day. Because he loves me still... even from heaven.

But time is moving forward.
At it's usual pace.
And then there are times when I feel like... wow... this went by fast. I only feel that way when I reach a big milestone... like our wedding date. I couldn't believe it was already here. it was hard to imagine I had spent that much time without John and how I was so anxious to get married... and the day came and went. And it's gone and now looming ahead are the holidays. The dreaded holidays. It's like a punch in the face.

So, how long will this pain linger?
Will I carry this forever?
When will I be TRULY happy again?

Only time.... will tell.

This really is my life

Can this be my life right now?
What happened to it? Why me? Why now?
Is God testing me? Is my faith being pushed? What's happening to the world around me?

I always thought I was a positive example of a person who could take a crappy hand that life has dealt and turn it around. I really thought I had made up for some of the shit I had to deal with earlier on in life. I thought I was in the clear and that I finally had the life I deserved.
Then 2010 showed up and blew me away. I mean, it started out fantastic... and ever since April 22... it just has been merciless.
I don't mean to make my childhood sound like a complete disaster. My parents divorced when I was 3, I spent a lot of time living with my grandmother, and I got most of my clothes from Goodwill. I was very close to my grandmother... who passed away the night before my brother's wedding on January 28. When my father and I first moved to Lake Wales (from Tampa) we didn't really have a place to stay. We lived with my mom's family for about a year. That was a disaster... not to mention lots of drama going on there all the time. We finally found a place of our own. A double wide trailor. Yes, I spent most of my middle school and high school life growing up in a trailor before my dad got a house... in the middle of the woods in the middle of nowhere, FL. In high school I escaped in music and band and grew extemely attached to my band director, Dennis Kusy. He wasn't just a teacher. He was my friend. And I was fascinated with him. And then one day we went out for a drive... he dropped me off at school... and I never saw him again. He died in a car accident at age 24.
I was mortified.
I had such a hard time getting over his loss. I still think about him and dream about him... he's still in my thoughts at times.

And then I fell in love with THE most amazing man ever to exist.
And I loved him for 5 years completely. Complete love. Untouched love. All consuming love. He was my world. I orbited around him. And then he was gone.
And I have been trying to mend myself for several months now... and then ....

I get a phone call from my dad.
He asks me if I am at home and I told him I was in the car.
He says "Ill talk to you when you get home."
This is the dad code.
This means something is wrong. Im going to cry and he doesn't want me to wreck my car.
I told him to tell me right then and there.

Wendy, my dad's on and off girlfriend since about February/March, commited suicide.
Sunday evening.
My dad was at my aunt's and she took his shot gun and shot herself behind our house.
Thankfully my dad didn't find her. But the sherrifs did and they held him custoday as a suspect for hours...
of course I was shocked and overwhelmed. and I felt completely sad for my father... who is already going through enough... along with me. And now here we are...
it's like death follows me.
As much as I feel for my dad right now I am also very angry at what Wendy did. It was selfish. completely. to her family and friends. to my dad. to me. she took her life. at our HOME. a place where I feel like I can never return to. she put my dad in an awful position and left her son all alone without a mother.
I just dont understand how someone can get to that limit.
How someone can get that far and feel there is no possible way out.
It just doesn't make sense. and it's another thing that never will.

So.... now the weirdness of my life continues. the hurt and anguish. the unbelievement of it all. how I can't believe the reality I live in now.
So many said it couldn't get any worse.
I guess that isn't so.
I just don't want to get hurt anymore.
I just want to heal. or try to at least.
i want my dad to heal. i want John's family to heal.
for the sake of my sanity i need healing. I need to live life full of life and love. not death and sadness.

that's all i ask.

leaves and lyrics

I recently bought the new Sufjan Stevens album. It is AMAZING. I mean every song blows me away... I am completely inspired by it. My favorite song on the album is called "The Age of Adz." Listen to it NOW:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZnycQL6UTow

It takes a couple seconds to get into it... then it just blows you out of the water. I was driving on my way home from St. Petersburg and when I listen to music I really focus on the what the lyrics are saying.... and then they spoke to me....
towards the end of the song Sufjan sings "when I die... when I die... I will rot. But when I live... when I live... I'll give it all I've got."
I then listened to the song over and over for about an hour. I was truly inspired.
John's death has certainly scared me and hurt me. Everyday I am tormented by thoughts of his death... and saddened by the absence of his presence. But, I know he wouldn't want me to stop living. And while I am living.. why don't I just go for it?
And so I am going to do me best to give it all I've got. Some days all I've got won't be much. But I will do what I can.
I am starting to blossom as a person.
I am opening myself up to new things.
I want to renew myself and make myself a better person.
One thing I want to do is open myself up to others and help find the best in themselves.
I want to share the love I have inside of me with others. Because I can no longer give it all to John....
and as much as I wish I could...
it won't be happening.

I have decided I am getting a tattoo.
I know this is going to piss my dad off and I know that I was always against them... but after John died.. my world perspective has changed.
I guess I have loosened up a little bit.
Perhaps I am a bit apathetic towards things. Perhaps I am just more carefree. Perhaps I am in my "fuck it all" stage. Either way... my vision has changed.
So, to be appropriate I have decided to get a leaf tattoo.
To the average Joe it will be a symbol that represents my name. Of course.
To those who are informed it represents many things... mainly my life "turning a new leaf." It also will represent the season in which I would marry John. Our wedding was going to have a leaf theme... with the colors of fall.
I am probably going to get it on my left wrist. it can be covered up by a watch if need be.
Im not scared about it.
I don't think I will regret it.
I think I am pretty level headed about the decision.

And as much as I believe I am making smart decisions I know there are times when my decisions will be rash and less thought through.
I have gone through my life being extremely cautious.
I was always careful. I was always thinking about consequences.
And as careful and cautious as I was... I still lost John. There was nothing I could do to save him. We were both so careful. We planned everything out. We were responsible and doing everything in perfect order. We had our whole lives planned.
And then in one night... in one blink of an eye... it changed. And it wasn't part of our plans.

And it pointed out to me that sometimes our plans don't work out.

So, yes. Maybe I feel like I shouldn't try so hard.
I mean, what's the point?!
It shows me what little control I have in this life.
It doesn't mean I am going to throw all plans out the window. I just won't be as surprised when they don't work out.
And I am going to do things that make me happy... now.
Because who knows when I won't have those opportunities anymore.


Sometimes in the midst of trying to live my life I come to a screeching halt. And I am pounded by a symptom which often I do not deal with. It's guilt.
I don't feel guilty about how our relationship was when John died.
I feel guilty that I am still living on and he cannot.
Because our relationship was at it's peak. And I couldn't imagine coming down from that. We had it all and we had it figured out. And John left this Earth the happiest he could have been. And I am left here to suffer and deal with his absence. And even though I know he would want me to be happy... as many have said and I do believe... I just hate that he can't share this life with me anymore.
It breaks my heart that John can't share moments with me. And I create new memories without him. It's weird.
The seminoles are doing amazing this year... and John isnt here to celebrate with me. He can't watch and cheer with me. That sucks.
One day I will share new moments and memories with a new person.
And will the guilt suck me in? Will I ruin relationships because of it? Or will I be strong enough to take on a new life. Turn a new leaf. Write my new life.


I know that while I am changing the people around me change too.
And some people will accept my new changes.
Others may not.
And as I have learned from other widows, you might lose some friends.
But you will also gain some.
I would love to have both.
Why can't I?
It's not my choice really.
It's others choice.

I am changed forever.
My life will never be the same.

blog music

if you know me... and if you knew john....
you would know that music was a HUGE part of our lives. It was what brought us together after all. It was a strong connection in our relationship and still is. Even when i hear new music I will somehow connect to John... even though he never got a chance to hear it. Which also saddens me. I wish John could hear some of the music I have discovered since he died.
I wish he could go with me to see Muse or the National next month.
I wish he could watch me belt out Regina Spektor in the car. (he loved to watch me sing)
I wish he could hear the lyrics, the melodies and harmonies which i have been discovering. And I wish he could poke fun at the awful music out on the radio right now.

My blog has music.
If you haven't heard it... turn on your speakers.
It's a specific set list.
And I want to explain why each song has meaning to me.
The list changes constantly. I am adding songs weekly... and taking some off that I feel are no longer relevant. But most stay. Because I consider them the soundtrack of my life.

"Us" by Regina Spektor-- I found Regina after John died. It was through Pandora... and I fell in love with her. She really spoke to me during a hard time. I fell in love with "Us" because of the beautiful piano line and her amazing, clear voice. The lyrics are poetic. I am also in love with her songs called "Machine" and "Eet"

"Hallelujah" and "Oh What a World" by Rufus Wainwright--- were introduced to me by my best friend, Evan, right after John's passing. I just remember us driving to Tallahassee and playing "Oh What a World" as loud as possible and belting every word. I learned every lyric after listening to it once. It's magical.

"Hoppipolla" by Sigur Ros--- just because a song is in a different language doesn't mean it can't speak to you. Because the moment I heard this one on the Sigur Ros CD the day it came out I couldn't stop listening to it. Then they put it on the movie preview for Earth and it blew my mind away again.

"In the Aeroplane Over the Sea" by Neutral Milk Hotel-- John introduced me to this band when we first started dating. He used to sing this song to me and as I have posted before... drew a picture of us... on an aeroplane over the sea while shouting out he loved me. This was early in the relationship but even from the very beginning he was deeply, madly in love with me. And I was smitten. This was our love song.

"I Will Follow You Into the Dark" by death cab for a cutie-- this song has very depressing lyrics. But after John died... I really felt them. My biggest fear was being separated from John. And I knew that one day if we had to die.... I wanted to die old together. But, that wasn't the plan. I assume. So, as much as I would follow him into the dark... I know He (God) and he (John) both have bigger plans for me. This is my hope in my heart.

"First Breath After a Coma" by Explosions in the Sky--- ironically the brother of my late band director got me interested in this band. This is a gorgeous song. No lyrics. But it expresses the title PERFECTLY.

"Blue Lips" by Regina Spektor--- more of her because I love her

"So Far Around the Bend" by the National--- John's sister, Annie, got me hooked on this band and now we are going to see them next week. This is by far my favorite song by them. It's touching.

"Transatlanticism" by death cab for a cutie-- probably one of my favorite songs of all time. Death cab has some of the most poetic lyrics I have ever heard. The one line "i thought it less like a lake and more like a moat" touches me. I get it. If I could row over to John just across a lake I would, But I am in the moat... and he is in the castle... and I cannot reach him.... although I know he is there. I will row in circles for the rest of my life waiting to see his face again. At the end where it just repeats "i need you so much closer" makes me bawl every time. I need John back.... I really do...

"Set the fire to the third bar" by snow patrol-- ok, everyone knows their hit from the radio but I like the not very well known snow patrol.. I actually heard this song on the movie preview for Dear John (a few months before John's death) and I liked it so much I downloaded it when I got home. the line that hits me the most: "i wish someone woul pick up me up from the cold ground and set me in your warm arms." there are times where i am laying in bed at night... or crying in the tub while taking a shower... or just sitting on the floor in my apartment crying... and I wish I could be picked up and placed back into John's comforting arms. there was nothing more comforting than being held by John. nothing.

"true affection" by the blow-- have to admit I just like the song

"holy, holy, holy" by sufjan stevens --- beautiful version of the song by one of my favorite male singers of all time.

"a million parachutes" by sixpence none the richer-- I have been listening to this band since I was in middle school. I used to put their songs on repeat when I went to sleep at night. for some reason this song became one of my all time favorites. i love how she describes the snow and the things she misses. i feel the same way when i describe my longing for John,

"ave maria" by the cranberries and pavaroti--- perfect.

"i love how you love me" by jeff mangum-- the lead singer from neutral milk hotel sings our song. this is THE song that John proposed to me to. this is the song he played for me whenever we went to weddings... it was our song and it was perfect. just like John.

"such great heights" by postal service-- i admit I always felt like john and I were waving from such great heights. i felt like our relationship soared above everyone else and others wanted us to come down. and now here I am. knocked back down to earth... without my soulmate.

"reciting the airships" by eluvium--- found this band while listening to Pandora in NC. Fell in love with them. one of my favs.

"fix you" by coldplay--- because I wish someone could really fix me.

"may angels lead you in" by jimmy eat world -- "a heart so big... God wouldn't let it live..." lyrics that strike me to the core.

"the blower's daughter" by Damien Rice-- love Damien. love his voice and his music. and i love this song the most. "can't get my mind off of you...." obvious one.

"never going back again" by fleetwood mac--- I grew up on Fleetwood thanks to my dad. John wasn't so familiar with them. so, when I played their best hits for him he really LOVED this song (and Tusk) and would constantly play it over and over on itunes.

"the funeral" by band of horses -- a random girl in the bar at Harry Potter World suggested this band to me and I found this song.

"wake up" by the arcade fire--- when going to Europe this was the ONLY album John had on his iphone and we would listen to it EVERY DAY for 3 weeks. yet, i never grew tired of it. There was always time for arcade fire.

"LOVE" by Frank--- the song we danced to a couple days before John's death. one of the most memorable moments in our love life. fiance and fiance. in love. dancing in the bedroom.

"Creep" by Radiohead--- I love this remake of the song... esp. when they curse. i dunno why. it just helps me let out some aggression i guess.

"the winner is" by devotchka--- one of my fav bands. i will never forget john telling me that marc zivica's cousin was the lead singer. i about lost it!!!

"across the universe" by fiona apple-- best version of the song IMPO... better than the original by the beatles even

"aqueous Transmission" by Incubus-- this was the friend song in college. the girls (me, brandy, rachel and evan) would get together and sing this all the time. but, i still feel like the lyrics are relevant to my life even today.

"float on" by modest mouse--- john loved modest mouse. old modest mouse. and this song is popular for a reason. because it's great. and anytime i hear a modest mouse song I think of him. in our earlier dating days....

"videotape" by radiohead--- after TCI did the show called Videotape... I was mildly obsessed with this song and so was John. this show helped re-amp our Radiohead love. we reconnected with the band and found a new love for their music past and present.






anyway, without music... i don't think i could be truly able to feel like i have expressed myself. music is my outlet. and it allows me to feel. to feel everything from pain to pleasure. music touches every aspect of my life. and to share that with someone is very special. peaking into someone's music choices is really peaking into their soul. you can tell a lot about a person by the music they listen to. because at some point they decided that particular music spoke to them. and therefore, music speaks for us when we cannot.

Writing Prompts

The last time I went to my counselor she gave me a piece of paper. It's a paper to help with journaling as a means of grieving. Obviously my blog is serving that purpose but I thought tonight I would use the prompts to assist me in ideas I wanted to share. The paper has "prompts" to get your writing started. I know I usually don't need help in this area but perhaps these prompts will bring up something new... something I haven's discussed yet. Lets be honest. There are thousands of things I have yet to discuss.... but this is a step in that direction.

Prompts talking directly to John:

1) A special memory I have about you...
Oh my goodness, where to even start here? There are so many. So many stories to share. You were part of my life for such a long time.... and our stories were endless. I guess if I can pick one it would be the time you surprised me with the limo at the airport. I remember how hard you were trying to "woo" me back then. How much you wanted to impress me and make me happy. You were so excited. You got me for sure. You were so proud of yourself. One of my favorite pictures of you is when you are standing outside the limo laughing at my face. I was completely overwhelmed.... all my friends were inside waiting for me. It was a night I will never forget. I also won't forget that hickey on your neck. Whenever I used to leave for long weekends in drum corps I would give you one. You hated it. It was like a "he's mine" stamp. I can't believe I used to do that. But, I think secretly you liked it too :)

2) What I miss the most about you and our relationship...
There are so many things I miss, John. I miss you holding my hand in the car. I miss snuggling you every night in bed. I miss you calling me everyday at lunchtime at school. I miss your emails from work that we tried to make look "professional." I miss your contagious laugh. I miss the little hairs between your eyebrows that I would pluck out. lol. I miss your butt. I miss your sweat and your smell. I miss your obsession with sunsets and with Bulgari cologne. I miss you saying "boobies" and your "mr. whiskers" impression. I miss how you understood me completely and how you never forgot to tell me how beautiful you thought I was. I miss how excited we were about marriage and I miss our planning for the future. I miss how you knew all of my flaws and still loved me and I miss doing the same for you. I miss your lips. I miss your gentle kissing and you massaging me almost every night even though you complained every time. I miss washing your laundry. I miss watching you dress for work and trying to convince you to stay home. I miss watching TV with you or going out to the movies with you. I miss making bets. I miss gambling with you. I miss watching you play with Metallica and sneaking him extra treats. I miss you rambling on and on about work even though half the time I wouldn't pay attention. I miss you drumming at the table or in the car. I miss you carrying me to bed when I fell asleep on the couch. I miss playing video games with you and I miss the fact that you loved that I loved video games. I miss running my fingers through your curly hair and I miss laying my head on your chest at night and hearing that beautiful heartbeat.


3) What I wish I'd said or hadn't said....
I wish that I hadn't been so hard on you about TCI. I know you loved it. And I didn't always mean to be so selfish about your time. But, I just wanted to always be with you. And I felt threatened by them... I felt like it was taking you away from me.

4) What I'd like to ask you...
Do you miss me, John? Do you think of me? Does it hurt you to see me cry? Do you want to comfort me? Do you watch me daily and are you proud of me? When we meet again will you still love me? Why didn't we just get married sooner? Why did this happen to you? Were you holding something back? Were you in pain? Do you wish I had been there so you weren't alone? Are you upset that I was the one to find you? Is Zion in heaven with you? Have you met my grandmother? She is a doll. What should I do now that you are gone?

5) What I wish we had done or hadn't done....
I wish we would have gotten married sooner and I wish we would have gotten pregnant. We were always so careful. Why couldn't we have been irresponsible? I wish there would have been a child created by both of us. With your "romantic" nose and my big eyes. It would have been a beautiful baby, John. I wish we would have spent our last holidays together. I wish Waldorf hadn't have made you work on Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. It was completely unfair.

6) What I have had the hardest time dealing with...
The nights. Being alone at night and having that empty spot in the bed with me. Also, my ring. The questions I get about it. The compliments. It brings up what I am missing everytime... and that is you. You shouldn't be gone. I am upset you didn't get to live a full life. You didn't get to pass on your genes and I didn't get to become a Seay. I am restarting my life without you. It just isn't fair. For both of us.

7)Ways in which you will continue to live on in me...
I will ALWAYS be in love with you. Always. Whether I find someone else someday or not. It will be a marriage between two people. Because I can't fall out of love with you. I am attached to your sould forever. I also have my necklace with your ashes I wear everyday and your engagement ring which you were so proud of. I will never let go of these items. Ever. I will always stay connected to your family, our family, John. I will always love them and want to be part of their lives as long as they want to be part of mine. I will always stay connected to your friends. And I will tell your story forever.

stupid bumper stickers

Today I drove behind a car.
It had two bumper stickers on it.

first. let me tell you how much I dislike bumper stickers.

anyway. the first one was simple. It said I love yoga.
well, apparently. you decided you love it so much to stick it on your car. look, i don't think even my kid making honor roll will ever get me to put a bumper sticker on my car. and that's my freakin' kid. you, love exercise. not even a person. a thing that makes you sweat, smell bad and sore. wow.
a
the second one said "if something good can happen, it will." Obviously a play on Murphy's Law.
And it pissed me off so much. I kept driving pondering what it meant. I was really upset about it. Of course, I mean it makes sense. They like yoga and bumper stickers. Of course, they have this mentality. But does it even make sense?! I wanted to pull them over and tell them my story. Then I wanted them to tell me the good part. Go ahead, give it your best shot Mr. or Ms. Yoga lover. I'm not saying that I am a pessimist. I never have been. I am a realist.
And obviously I have lost the sense of trying to be optimistic.

Ok, enough with that stupid bumper sticker. ugh.


The apartment is coming along.
A few days ago we got a couch and DVD racks. We have put things on the wall. They are no longer "sanitarium white" as John liked to call apartments. Today I bought a storage shelf for my bathroom, a desk, and a side table for the living room. Everything is coming along. Yesterday I bought beautiful peacock curtains and a peacock colored vase filled with a pretty arrangement of fake flowers and peacock feathers. Obviously I am going for a theme here. All based around Waldy, the wonder peacock. And of the picture with John holding him.
The apartment is a project. It keeps me busy and always gives me something to add to my list. As much as I love crossing things off my list I know that it will never be empty. There will always be something to add.
But, no matter what I try and do... this apartment still isn't feeling completely like "home" just yet. It's missing it's obvious element. It's missing John Seay. It's missing his presence. His actual presence. As much as I feel he is always with me in spirit and in my heart... I would love to touch him and physically see him. There is so much I want to tell him. There is so much I want to show him. I want him to give me feedback and I want to see his face light up and hear his laugh.
He would mostly be like "how did you talk yourself into an apartment again?!"
I swore up and down I would never live in an apartment again.
John and I were set on living with his parents until we saved up enough money to get a house together. I hated apartment living. Even though it did bring us close to some great people.
Ya see, John and me...we were old fashioned. When a new neighbor moved in we would cook them brownies or cookies or cupcakes and bring them over to welcome them. I remember we always tried to figure things out about them first.... eyeing their moving truck items or the car they drove. We would walk over together and introduce ourselves. I think it always caught everyone by surprise. I mean, who does that anymore???? We did.
And because of it we met great people... Frankie and Dawn, Christoph and Juliet, Alaina, Jeremiah and Kelley. All because we wanted people to feel welcome and to feel comfortable around us. It wasn't long after that these neighbors were coming over for dinners, playing rock band with us or going out to restaurants in our company. We loved making new friends and being social. If we didn't know anyone around us then we knew we would just have to make new friends. plain and simple.

I couldn't imagine myself making baked goods for anyone in my new complex. it's a different atmosphere and I am in no mood for schmoozing for new friends. I don't remember the last time i baked anyway. was it the night i made hundreds of valentine cookies for john?
Losing John has taken part of me away. I have lost half of myself.
Just as half of a dollar has lost it's worth.
Just like half of a building has lost it's stability.
Half of a meal isn't fulfilling.
half of a college eduation is pointless.
Half of a person... just isn't the same.

Don't get me wrong. I act very normal. But the way I act and the way I FEEL are not in line with each other. Anyone can act their way through life. It's a trick I am learning to master. But to FEEL like life has a purpose and a meaning and a reason. Well, that can change everything.
Throughout our lifetime our feeling towards life's purpose can change. i know some who focus solely on their careers or give complete focus to their children or pets. After all, a purpose in life gives us a reason to live. Mine was John. It wasn't always. It took time and a love to grow to eventually get this way. If anyone knows anything... our story started out bumpy. We had a lot of hurdles to accomplish in the beginning before it came out to the fairy tale story it eventually got to. And then nightmare.

So. I have to force myself to re-focus. On what? Obviously the answer is myself. And the people I love. But first and foremost. Myself.
I am trying to find myself. I am trying to figure out who I am daily. I am trying to love myself and seek out my feelings and how to express them.
I am trying to re-connect with my friends. Old and new. I am trying to help others as best as I can while still trying to help myself. I am trying to take time for myself even when the world around me is going full speed.
Things I need to get better at:
staying connected with my family
learn new things
find new hobbies
listen to more classical music
practicing my musical instruments
taking care of myself ... exercising...
getting on a better sleep schedule.