Sunday, March 6, 2011

You'll Never Walk Alone

I can't remember when I first started loving this song... I believe it was before I met John. Actually I know it was.
It's from the musical "Carousel." If you have never heard it please listen:

or listen to the Madison scouts version:

...but I know I love this song. one of my favorite musical songs of ALL TIME. All time.
The words are just perfect. And there isn't much to it really... but it really is a song to listen to in all times in your life. I remember one time in John's car (we had been dating around a year maybe... maybe more) it was my turn to choose music. I was going to put in a CD.... carousel. And of course i skipped right to my favorite part. As the music began john started to get choked up. And then he was crying. he asked me to take the cd out. the song had so much meaning to him from when he marched with Madison scouts. I never played it again in his presence. I was so surprised about the reaction it gave him. i knew john was emotional but that was the ONLY song that I ever saw him cry over.

So, I bought the musical carousel. although i love the music i had never seen the musical itself. it's kind of weird in a way.... this girl falls in love with this really not so awesome guy. like he's mean to her and he steals... and in the end he gets to somewhat redeem himself (even after smacking his daughter when he is an angel). anyway, the music is amazing.

why do the lyrics speak to me?

When you walk through a storm
Keep your chin up high
And don't be afraid of the dark.
At he end of the storm
Is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark.

Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Tho' your dreams be tossed and blown.Walk on, walk on
With hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone,
You'll never walk alone

So, there you have it. Simple yet completely true.
I often sometimes feel like i am still walking alone. even with the new addition in my life (boyfriend) i do feel like i am holding back as far as letting him know how much attention i need.
everyone is different when they are upset.
some run from their problems.
some lock it deep inside and never let another soul in.
some turn on themselves or others.

i run... to someone's arms. those arms once belonged to john. he would hold me and kiss my head and let me know "i am always in your corner." john had my back constantly. constantly. there was never any question about anything. he was on my side. and he loved me through thick and thin.

my fear now is will current bf be able to do the same?
i know he is not john. i know he is different and unique in his own way.... but i am so nervous to let him see the sad, depressed side of me. when i have a break down i really want to pick up the phone and call him. and then think twice because i risk scaring him away. magically, he hasn't been swayed yet. he's strong. and considerate.
im going to go ahead and say he's awesome.
because he is.
and i never doubted it.
but i want to be the same in his eyes. i feel bad for the things i carry with me. like my burden has now turned into OUR burden. i don't even know why i use the word burden. maybe... tragedy. what happened was a tragedy. a hurdle in my life. ok, no a hurdle. a big fucking mountain. volcano. with oozing lava. yes, hurdle my ass.
will boyfriend ever wish "man, i should have dated someone a little more normal..."
because i know i am not your average girl anymore.
i am now included in this small category. the category most men would run away from.
i guess i still find it hard that someone could love me again.
if he does love me. i mean, eventually. maybe. what??

Can someone please tell me.
Can i get some answers pronto please?
why do i have to do this on my own?
with my crazy brain.
which has only gotten crazier since i am weening myself off Paxil.
I am at 10mg now. and in a few more days I am going off completely!! which is scary. but by then i hope boyfriend will be there to comfort me through.

he is pretty comforting already. and so understanding.
the other day in the car i told him the story. the story of April 22.
he sat and listened the whole time. holding my hand and rubbing my arm. i did a pretty good job of not crying. i told the story as if it has been imprinted on my tongue. and it just rolls off. i try not to think of it deeply. unless i am alone. i got misty at the end. and when i looked at him he wasn't opening his car door and jumping out. he was still ok. he was still attracted to me. he still liked me. and that makes it much better.


MandyMy said...

Dammit! Where is the widow's guide to dating!!? I still haven't found it! We just have to take a leap of faith, and hope that we were handed a great person. This fella sounds pretty awesome btw! Most guys I've met usually run for the hills when the "widow" issue comes up. The fact that he has made it past that, and the details of what happened, I'd say you might just have some pretty strong arms to run into. I think it's hard for us to put our trust in life again, and believe that the rug isn't going to be pulled out from under us. You sound like you have been handed another great guy, give him a shot, and don't let your fears be something that puts the hold on your new relationship. I'd say take the leap, and see where you land. But, that's just me, if you read my blog you know I'm a mess!! ;) Hugs and love!! Keep us posted on how it all goes! :)

Emma said...

I think the key is to remember that things take time. Just like grieving, the journey has its ups and downs and twists and turns adn so do relationships and love. The love and comfort and strength you had with John came over time. Looking back you might have felt a lot of that in the beginning but you also might forget the worry, the "does he really like me?" "will it last?" questions pretty much all of us have starting out. It has been a long time since you were there but look where you got to!! You will get there again, open your heart, open your mind and will find extraordinary things waiting.
Good luck!! Em