it's not always rainbows and sunshine

I have to admit it.
Sometimes I act not sad to make others happy.
And I hate admitting this too because I have upset quite a few people with my feelings.
I am a people pleaser.
And it's killing me.
The other day I was walking ... I think just walking into a store...
and I realized something.

hey. I'm not super happy right now.
That seems ridiculous doesn't it???
I should try and be happy.
I have come a long way.
How can I possibly still be sad?

And the truth is.... it isn't always because of John.
I know a lot stems from that.
It's like six degrees of Kevin Bacon except I can usually trace back all my problems to when John died.
Every problem that arises usually stems somewhere from losing him.

I know that i wouldn't be having the problems I am currently having with my work and with my friends if John were still here.

I have to stop my mind from thinking about where I would have been if I had never lost John. Definitely would have been pregnant by now.
Or already raising my own child.
Beautiful wedding.
Loving and adoring husband.
A job where I was SUPPORTED by my administration, admired by students, and respected by my peers.

But I am here.
And I shouldn't complain.
I have THE most adoring and loving boyfriend a girl like me could ask for.
As I have said before I do not deserve Ryan.

What I DO deserve is SUPPORT.
I deserve people who support my decisions as a teacher.
I deserve recognition for hard work.
I deserve to show off how talented and smart I am. I deserved to have financial stability.

I deserve my moments of sadness... but without fear of expressing those times.
I deserve times of joy... which God has been so gracious and good to give me even out of my grief.


I am just ready for something to go my way.
A LOT.
I am ready for something exciting and life changing.
I am ready for my rainbow.



"Sometimes a shadow, dark and cold, lay like a mist across the road. But be encouraged by the sight. Where there's a shadow there's a light!"




(i don't feel like this entry really captured the way I am feeling. but i tried)

Cheer up, buttercup

I think there is this part of me that still refuses to be happy. 

Like it won't allow it.

And I believe part of it stems from various things.

1) People- I still have a strange feeling that some people are uncomfortable about me moving forward in my life and loving again. And when I am around those people or feel like those people are paying attention... I have to find ways to show I am still unhappy at times. I have to prove to people sometimes that I am still grieving. Because i do not always know if they believe me. It sounds weird and just plain wrong... but I know that they are out there.

2) Guilt- I still suffer from a tinge of guilt for moving forward with Ryan. I don't think it is too overwhelming but when I let it linger and sit in my system it builds and builds until I give in. And then I let it go and let it out. The guilt of wanting happiness again. No one should EVER have to have any sort of guilt for wanting to be happy or live a fulfilled life but I do get that sense sometimes. Which i think stems from the next part.....

3) Fear.- I am soooo afraid sometimes. in fact this may be the number 1 reason for my unhappiness. Now that my life is coming back together again after it fell apart when I lost John... I get a weird feeling it will collapse again. Things that I had done with John are starting to happen with Ryan. Those exciting life changing moments... living together, loving each other, getting jobs, looking at houses, planning for the future, talking marriage and babies... and I am afraid if I let it happen that I will lose it again. And it scares the shit out of me. Because if I lost it all again I don't think I would possibly recover.

4) Bitterness- I am still quite bitter for things that have happened to me. My anger towards my past events will flare up when something goes wrong in the present. I.E. today I got angry because my new car charger doesn't work with my phone. So it made me bring up how my car was broken into a couple weeks ago... which made me bring up the fact that bad things keep happening to me... which made me bring up John... 

It's the root of all things "wrong."

Everything just rises up and stems from that.

And that isn't very fair to me. or to Ryan. or to John.

I bring up my "unhappiness" blog because today we went house hunting.

I was looking forward to it.

But Ryan was beyond excited. He was almost giddy. 

It was super cute to watch actually. And made me feel good.

He was excited to live in a home with ME. Forever :) 

But as the day went on... I just began to feel a bit hopeless. I have had this feeling before. Excitement for the future. House hunting, future planning.

And I lost it in a split second.

So the "why bother"monster showed it's ugly face. And I began to pout, whine, etc. because I knew that we weren't going to be able to afford a house right now, etc. etc.

I was shooting down Ryan's dream.

And I was even shooting down my own.

I want more than anything to live the dream I have always dreamed. 

As said in Pretty Woman.."i want the fairy tale."

I do.

I want the house, the husband, the family, the job.

And when we house hunted today I was given the chance to see that life wasn't quite where it was before. And that I had a new path laid out in front of me.

And sometimes that realization can haunt you. And make you feel like if you go down your new path you will lose sight of the path you had once dreamt.

I am not as financially secure as I was before with John.

I do not have the same family support as I did when I was with him.

It very much is me and Ryan fighting for ourselves. 

We are a two person team right now with not a lot of back up.

And it's scary.

I want so much to take a plunge with him.

I want to get a home and start BUILDING our future together so much.

But I am still so worried of something going wrong.

And how I would react to something going wrong.

I mean I stress out over the little things so imagine something a bit bigger going wrong... the way I would react, the impact it would have on me and others. Is that something I can handle right now? 

And how can I better prepare myself to make big leaps for the future?

To start taking a challenge?

To stop letting the little things (and yes, even bigger things) get to me?

To stop the worry?

To control my moods?

To cheer up.

To just let life happen and enjoy myself.

To laugh at the stupid things that don't matter and to focus on the things that do.

God has given me tons of blessings even after such a horrible thing as losing John.

The biggest one being Ryan... who surprises me everyday with his undying love for me.

The man freaking loves me no matter what. It's crazy! Sometimes I have these out of body experiences where I can see myself reacting poorly to situations and I am thinking "this is stupid stop doing this.." and i continue to act poorly and i think "he's going to leave me..." And ya know what? HE DOESN'T. 

He still loves me.

If that isn't the biggest blessing in my life right now then I don't know what it.

Ryan wants to take care of me, and marry me, and start a family with me. He loves me beyond my flaws. He sees past my anxiety and depression and mood swings.

He sees the carefree person I can be. That I used to be.

He basically sees the same person that John fell in love with.

The girl who isn't afraid of anything or anyone. That's so outgoing I could make friends with just about anyone I met.

That loved adventures and exploration.

That was loud and audacious.

That laughed so much she snorted.

And it doesn't mean I am never that.

Just not as much.

I HAVE to work on my ability to LET GO.

I HAVE to set aside petty bullshit.

I HAVE to love Ryan with abundance and with a reckless abandon.

I HAVE to put things into God's hands.

I HAVE to remember myself and who I am and what I stand for.

I HAVE to smile more.

I must.

I must do these things.

I need to freakin' cheer up.

Go away, April.

Are we seriously back in April???

Well that's completely shitty.

And it's the third day of April?

fuck.


I need to find John's cake recipe... in a cook book I threw together in college. It was a great experimentation time for cooking. And I hit a gold mine when I found John's cake recipe.

Ok, I will share.
But it's a secret recipe.
So, let's keep it between us?

http://www.hersheys.com/recipes/recipe-details.aspx?id=183&name=...day-Cake


In two days it will be John's birthday.
His earth birthday.
The day Sarah Seay brought John Seay to Earth.
Can I ever repay that woman? Or thank her enough? Or clean her gift wrapping closet enough?
To somewhat truly thank her for the best gift of all?
A gift in the beginning which wasn't meant for me... initially. But I got to have in the end.


March was good to me.
Mainly because the end of it was spent away from my J-O-B.
I hate that I have started to think of teaching as a J-O-B.
Isn't being a band director supposed to be fun? I think that's what others see when they hear that's what I do. Banging pots and pans all day and holding hands singing songs.
Playing TV theme songs and movie soundtracks.
Playing instruments for fun.

If only people knew what hard work it really was.

But I teach an elective.
How hard can it be?

So it was a relief to go to Spring Break.
It was a relief to leave behind FL for a little bit and go somewhere else.
We went to Las Vegas to see my sister and let Ryan experience a new place.
We conquered the strip, gambled and won, marveled at the Hoover Dam and the Grand Canyon.
We did it all.
And then we came home.
And then it was back to the grind.

And back to my car....

WHICH SOMEONE BROKE INTO.

Seriously?!
And here's the weird part.
They stole CDs.... (What? WHO does that???) and my phone charger.
Ok, that's replaceable.
My then there was my yellow nano ipod.
Not just any yellow nano ipod.
But one that John gave me for Christmas. He had it engraved and it said "I love you with all my heart."
When I noticed it missing my heart sunk. And I try and remind myself "it's just a thing, Autumn...."  But it's not..... I lost something special....
Well, it was TAKEN from me. (which pisses me off beyond belief and makes me feel completely violated.)

I lost something from John again.


I had just lost my sunglasses from our 3 year anniversary a few months ago and now this ipod.
When I lose something from John I feel like I am losing part of HIM again and again. Like eventually I will have nothing to remember him by.
And my memories suck.
still.

Sometimes I will look at my students blankly trying to remember who they are. Because I have forgotten. I have forgotten their name. And it's April.
I am still waiting for my memory to recover. At least up to April 21, 2010. Erasing April 22 would be just fine and the many months to follow... at least until Feb 13, 2011 when I met Ryan.


So March ends and April begins.
A shitty month of nothing but reminders.
John's birthday.
John's deathday.

But as it turns into year two the world forgets about your grief and sorrow. The world has moved on. Frankly, it moved on the next day.
The world.
Not everyone.
Some people moved on quickly.
And some think I may have... because I am dating.
But that's not the case.
There is always such a fine balancing act between my love and affection for Ryan and my constant devotion and love for John.
It's hard to start a relationship when you are grieving. But it has to start eventually.
And you have to learn to grieve a little less often.
But in April I am allowed to grieve.
But my new school might not understand. Because they weren't there.
They may know about it.... but in their mind two years ago was a long time. In my mind I am like "how dare you schedule my formal evaluation conference on John's birthday. Don't you know I need a break that day?"
Of course not.
Because
1) They are heartless. They really couldn't care less
2) They haven't cared about me any other time so why would this day be any different???

Oh, do I sound bitter?
Maybe it's because more and more each day I find out that I work around a really sour bunch of people.
I put on my happy face EVERY DAY for these people and I will seriously get the cold shoulder if I ask any type of favor. I say hello and good morning and make an effort to greet everyone in a kind manner. And yet there are only about 4 people in the whole school who can tell me apart from the chorus teacher.



And I am so focused on all of this....
And I am trying to remember my fiance....
And I am trying to build my future.....

That I think I may just combust.



I HATE APRIL.
SO FUCKING MUCH.

i'm waiting.

a funny thing happens when a new year comes around..
you get super confident that  this is "your time" and "your chance" and that things are going to actually start turning around... for the good.

But honestly it's been frustrating so far.
In terms of trying to reach goals.
Some due to our own fault.
Some due to the fact that life didn't realize it was a new year.

A couple weeks ago Ryan had an interview for a job he really wanted and he also took his LSAT.
On the same day he got a call saying he didn't get the job and also found out the score of his LSAT... which may be too low to get him into a school.
It really put us down.
In fact I started crying.
I felt bad.
I should have been more positive and uplifting. There will be other chances. But, time is running out... for tuition being covered that is. And after having my recent 28th birthday I have started to freak out a little. That as I near 30 years old .. I am nowhere close to where I should be.
Well, where I think I should be.

Of course you may be saying "you're crazy! look how far you have come!"

You're right, my friend.

I should be a little easier on myself.

I should be thankful.
I have come a long way.
But I still have so far to go.
I haven't quite captured it... that life I would so dearly love to hang up in a picture frame.

I haven't obtained the body I have wanted since I was a little girl...
I haven't had my fairy tale wedding...
I haven't made a salary that I feel comfortable with... that I am not living pay check to pay check on...
I haven't found that house with the wrap around porch...
I haven't looked into the eyes of my own child...
I haven't gotten the acknowledgement I need for the work I do... which may be because I haven't accomplished the goals I have set for myself as a teacher.


So, let's just go ahead and just stick to my slogan....
ONE DAY AT A TIME.

STRESSED OUT.

This week is stressful.

I am trying the best I can to prepare.

Tomorrow is my winter band concert with my kids.
if you know me, I tend to stress about these things. I did a small concert earlier this Fall... but this one is with ALL the kids and in the high school performing arts center. It's been really tough this year on my own. As much as I appreciate being independent again I really wish I could share the load with someone else. 300 kids is just too much.
Way too much to do by myself.

And then the emails...

I have never gotten so many depressing emails.
Parents pissed off constantly because NOTHING can ever make anyone happy and it's ALWAYS the teacher's fault.
I even got called into my principal's office once because I was "sending too many emails." That's right. I was being too helpful. Sending too much communication. are. you. fucking. kidding. me?
All of sudden this evening I am getting emails from parents complaining they can't take their kids to the concert, their child magically got sick over the weekend, etc. etc. Of course the day before.
Because no one thinks ahead of time.

It's hard on a person's soul.
to be beaten down day in and day out.
to be told you ask too much of children.
to be yelled at for things that are not your fault.
instruments missing in the inventory that i had no idea about and when i asked the director before me to give me a copy of the inventory he said "he lost it." and then all of a sudden  comes up with it when confronted by my asst. principal?
it just isn't fair.
the selfishness of others.
to be responsible for other's actions.
your child doesn't turn in their assignments and it's MY fault that I didn't contact you??
Your student has a long day with a rehearsal in one class in a performance in another? have you ever considered the long day that IIIIIIiiiii am having? When your child goes home I will still be at the school putting away instruments, cleaning up, etc.
JUST. STOP.

Someone please just recognize me for my hard work.
Someone please send a NICE email saying "thank you for taking time you DO NOT GET PAID FOR to work with our kids after school."
Thank you for the emails and reminders.
Thank you for using a lot of your own money towards our children.
thank you for letting our students turn in assignments late with no penalties.

After all, i have had enough bullshit in my life. I don't need this in addition.



And the next part...

on Tuesday I have a hearing.
Because over the summer I filed for unemployment after I was let go from Ocoee. But since I was let go because of budget they apparently extend my job until August (even though i do not get paid... if not for my deferment). So, I guess I wasn't even allowed to sign up for unemployment. But I was urged to  by others....
and I did it.
Because I was sad.
And desperate.
And apparently oblivious to the rules.
And then a couple weeks ago I got a bill in the mail saying I owe the government $1400.
of course in my mind i thought it was their wrong.

and on tuesday i have to go through a stressful and embarrassing hearing making me feel like some type of criminal.
i am a decent, honest person that was honestly seeking help in a time of need.

MEANWHILE... millions live off our government and have NO intentions of getting off their ass and getting a job. popping out babies right and left...


I just want this to be OVER.
I want Monday and Tuesday to be OVER.

I want to go my concert and hopefully get some POSITIVE feedback.
I want to get this inventory over with on Tuesday and hopfully find these magically missing instruments.
I want to get the hearing done with and get a blessing from God to get the debts erased.
If not, i really hope they take payment plans.
Because I can honestly say I have not a single penny in my name right now and getting more and more in debt only makes me feel like i am falling deeper and deeper into depression.



Where is that holiday cheer that's supposed to be spreading around?


Isn't this the most magical time of the year?


Santa... please send me a winning lotto ticket.

Compassion fatigue

The other day i was having a discussion with Annie (John's sister) and I brought up the idea that "i care way too much." with everything i do... especially with teaching. I get completely wrapped up in my job to where it makes me literally sick to my stomach. i mean literally. my acid production gets out of control but i have high amounts of stress and then my stomach lining inflames for awhile. (as much as 3 months as i have discovered before. horrible!!). I go home and can't sleep. My eating habits go from not being able to eat at all to eating everything that I can reach. I tend to take EVERYTHING to heart.
My kid's problems.
My kid's performances.
My school's expectations.
My school's lack of expectations.
My student's futures.
My future.

I can't keep my mind from thinking at night.
I just sit in bed and think and think forever. I think about what I can do the next day to make the kids better. How I can motivate them. How I can better myself as a teacher. I read articles. I talk to other teachers. I post in forums. I spend lots of my own money buying shit for my kids...
and then in the end I feel the only thing I get in return is exhaustion.
It's REALLY hard to focus on the benefits when you can barely keep yourself from drowning in everything else.

So, when Annie told me about Compassion fatigue it was like my eyes were opened up to a whole new world view. Holy crap that's what I have....
I didn't do research on it until tonight even though we spoke about it a week ago.
It was when I came home from work and I felt the pressure building from school.
My kids are having their winter concert in 2 weeks. I don't feel completely prepared. I am giving the kids 110% and only getting about 20% from them. I work my ass off day in and day out and then I have kids who don't turn in practice records, who roll their eyes at me when i ask them to do simple tasks, who steal items in my class, students who constantly expect hand outs, students who complain about their hard lives when they have no idea about anything I have been through.
I am sorry, young person, that the stress of school is too much for you.
Try finding the love of your life dead in bed.
Now feel better.

that sounds not so compassionate, right?
Exactly.
I feel like teaching is making me more and more immune to the compassion I once held.
It's one of those things I still debate in my head... when I cry at movies that have animals dying and yet sniffle a little bit when people die in films.
What the hell is wrong with me???
That isn't right, is it??

Compassion fatigue is common with nurses, doctors, and people who deal with wounded military vets or children with disorders or deformities.
When you become overexposed to these things you start to lose your passion.
A passion you once had. immensely. You poured your whole being into this passion. But in the end you started to get tired of it... because it wasn't having the pay off you thought you deserved. I know being compassionate isn't always about getting something back. But if you go a long time giving your whole self and don't get any sense of reward... you can't help but start to feel a little apathetic.
compassion fatigue, folks.
Look it up.
It fucking exists.
It sounds a bit made up.
for people burnt out. for people who are too lazy to endure life's hard times. for people who can't deal.
Kind of like ADD or ADHD.
Being a teacher my lack for respect for these "medical" terms has gone completely out the window.
Your child can't sit still in a classroom?
Yeah, they're 10? and they can't sit still??
Oh, they are taking intensive reading and are deprived of physical activity? they go home and play video games and you feed them chocolate for breakfast? AND THEY FUCKING CAN'T SIT STILL? NO SHIT?!



anyway,
now that i have been looking up compassion fatigue it makes me wonder if that's what happened to some of my friends.
That my burden was eventually too much.
and they got burnt out on caring, trying to cheer me up, etc.
and now i feel bad. because i was THAT burden.

But many have never given up on me.
They carry the burden.
and it's something that i can never quite repay them for.
but one day...if anyone ever needs me too...
i'll be there.

and maybe these kids need me after all.
or maybe one day i need to take a new path.
towards a new direction.
a new passion.
or maybe it's time to re-kindle the one i already have.

bah-humbug!!!!

the holidays are stressing me out.
and they always used to be such a highlight of the year.
family, friends, gifts, food, fun, festivities, parties, laughs, birthdays, etc. etc.

those were the times when i had stars in my eyes.
and everything still had it's holiday magic.

and now it feels lost.

My holidays have lost their magic.
their allure.

I find myself stressing this year more than ever.
One would think that last year would have been more stressful because it was my first year without John. But, my family and John's family had open arms and everyone got together for each other. This year feels very different... and it's my first Thanksgiving and Christmas with Ryan.
so, you would think adding him into the picture would be a given. have dinner with his family.

minor problem.
Ryan's parents just went through a separation last month.
now it's awkward... his mom is living with a friend and his dad moved to gainesville.
I mean, which parent would we go spend time with?

We considered Vegas with my sister. Then with the price of plane tix and the fact that Ryan has a lame job where he doesn't know his schedule until a week ahead of time and the fact that he works for a company that works through holidays... who knows if he will even have time off. Which brings up another point of how I am STILL very bitter at Waldorf for scheduling John for EVERY holiday before he died. Even though John filled out a request for his top 3 and they "promised" one of them. so, after being stripped from that precious time with him... I will be damned if Universal does the same thing to Ryan.

And as much as it may seem weird for most people... I still want to have my Thanksgiving with the Seays. They are, afterall, still my family. And they are a connected family and not divided by divorce or separation. It makes me feel whole when I am around them. Like they are part of my missing puzzle piece.
I think a large facet of this whole thing has to do with the fact that from the age of three years old I was raised ALONE with my dad.
I never had the big family dinners (until my brother and sister in law eventually had kids and the family grew...) But as time went on and I went to college... I lost all of that. I remember the times when I didn't even get to go home for Thanksgiving because i was tied to the marching band and the ultimate rivalry game of FSU vs. UF. So when I graduated and John and I would sit around and spend out holidays with brothers and sisters and friends and parents and nephews and nieces... it was like a perfect holiday for me. It was the stuff I had always dreamed about.
The stuff you see in those cheesy publix commercials.

This year i questioned whether or not I would be invited to any of the holiday stuff.
I ran it by Jim (John's dad) that I would stop by and of course, he welcomed me. I get nervous to ask them to be part of things... like maybe they don't want me to be a part of anything anymore. That maybe eventually I will be pushed out of the picture. But, even for Halloween I went over and trick or treated with the boys and when I go to their place there are still pictures up of me and John.. and I find comfort in that they still consider me a part of their lives.
But a part of me feels torn by my dad and Ryan's mom. (both rely on US for their plans).
I feel bad that I really don't have much to offer them.
I haven't made any plans.
And how awkward to invite Ryan's mom to my late fiance's family's house for thanksgiving.
Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
see what i am talking about??????

I honestly want to just... sit down... go online and find the cheapest flight to ANYWHERE and book a flight, a hotel, and just go away. Just me and Ryan.
No more worrying or thinking.


I don't want to deal with any of the planning or thinking or hurting feelings or having my feelings hurt. All I have ever wanted was to be surrounded by my favorite people during the holidays. I wanted to feel the warmth of family and the casual chats of "how are you and what have you been up to." Heaping plates of food and sharing funny stories. Watching football on TV or exchanging funny YouTube videos ( a favorite between me and John's sister, Annie).

Of course, I really long for the day when I can start my own family.
my own traditions and all.
Gathering around.
And teaching my children about what it means to be together.

And give them something I never really had growing up.
And what I lost along the way.

fragile.

there is something about an unknown number showing up on my cell phone screen that excites me...

could this be a job offer?

did i win a million dollars?

is john calling from heaven?

well... usually the first one.

and lately it's been nothing but disappointment. I literally keep my phone on me at all times. i will stop what i am doing (even teaching) if i notice it's an unknown number... in hopes that someone on the other end has good news for me. but no. no good news.

it starts off the same "how is your day?" REALLY? it WAS good... now go ahead and make it a bad day. just don't ask that question right before you tell me I am going to remain poor. or that you are about to shoot down my hopes and dreams.

no news is good news? well that's pretty much bullshit too. because that means that companies and schools haven't even given me the time of day. so at least when they are rejecting me they put some thought into it.

the crazy part to me is today Universal called and rejected me in the Guest services dept. But Ryan, my fantastic and amazing beau, got in. (we had a group interview together... it was quite odd.) and i have been with the company since 2007!!!!!

luckily, one of us got in.

so... it's Ryan's turn to bring home the bacon.

but his two part time jobs will NOT suffice.

it's not enough for us to live on. comfortably. or even in a surviving manner. we need more money... we need to pay rent, bills, etc. ya know... the stuff so that people can live. as i have mentioned before i feel like i deserve these rights. to live in happiness.

i guess i feel owed.

i feel like i deserve a break.

and i shouldn't feel bad for feeling this way.

i realize i have been crying a lot lately. every day for quite awhile now. i can't remember my last cry-less day. in fact, it makes me feel bad for ryan. he sees this crying girl everyday with a slew of problems. i feel like i am whining. i feel like a complainer. how long do i get to use the excuse of losing john? it's just that i feel like there's this domino effect and i can't stop the tiles from falling.... something will eventually have to give, right? i can't have this misfortune forever?? i was listening to "firework" today by katy perry ( i know, real cliche) and the lyric "maybe the reason why all the doors are closed is so you could open one that leads you down the perfect road." it gave me a bit of hope. a bit on inspiration. because really what if that is the case.... that God is going to open a bigger door for me?

but i understand that it's not gonna just fall into my lap.

that i have to work for it.... it's just that i don't feel like big things are going to happen for me when i can't accomplish anything even close to big. i don't have a degree for something big. i don't have the background or knowledge. i don't have money. how can big things happen for me? i don't even buy lottery tickets. big things can only happen when you go after them. and i need to go after something.

last night i watched a montage of pictures of john that his sister put together. i hadn't watched the video for awhile. but, last night i took time. i sat in the bed. macbook in lap. ryan to my side with his macbook in lap (don't worry. mine belongs to the school. boy, im gonna miss it.) and i watched. the stream of tears instantly hit me. i held in every single sob that i could to keep ryan from hearing. i honestly try to hold back my crying when Ryan is around... but i can't help my feelings. i just want him to think i am more put together than i really am. it's like i was broken into a million pieces and someone put me back together with that paste/glue we used in kindergarten. it doesn't work at all. it barely can glue pieces of paper together. and yes, i did try and taste it.

that's me. broken. put back together poorly.

just fragile.

if i am not careful... i just may shatter again.

doors shutting.

I have been absent from blogging for a few weeks not. Unintentionally. At first... it was for a good reason. I was busy with life. very busy. With Ryan and work and friends. All seemed to be going well...

and then this past week... the day I had been dreading arrived.

My principal called me into her office and gave me the news that I would not be returning to my school next year to teach. of course, this hit me hard. And I became quite sad. and then mad.

First off, I love my job. and i loved my new school. I get misty eyed just thinking about leaving these kids...

And then there's the fact that I have not been able to keep a stable job for more than two years. This was my 3rd school in 4 years. RIDICULOUS.

I have never had a chance to watch my babies (6th graders) go through their whole three years and watch them move on to high school. I have never had a program cycle through that I can say was completely MINE.

I also have not obtained tenure due to the fact that I was once in another county.

And let me mention the worst part.... the school that I am at now TOOK ME AWAY from the school that I was once at. they ASKED me to come over. And at the time it was a great idea. I needed change and a fresh start. I needed new. I was weak an vulnerable. I was on the verge of quitting teaching because I couldn't handle the routine that reminded me of my life with John. Going to OMS refreshed my teaching spirit.

And yet, was this even a thought process when the decision to not hire me again was made???

My associate even told me she would fight for me. Yet, when the day came... I saw no fight. Instead she cried. And I went home to sulk for the day on my once again unlucky fortune.

I then got angry.

With all the shit I have been through how can someone honestly take away my job? My income? my safe haven? The place that helped rescue me from my darkness? I don't know if people truly think through the impact that have on others when they make these very serious decisions. or maybe they do. and they have to go to sleep at night with that burden on their shoulders. which is reason #1,503 why I could NEVER be a principal.

I know that money is tough.

I know that 2 band directors is where cuts can be made when the budget is slim.

But honestly, you just let go a girl who hasn't had a stable life in quite a while.

A girl who is trying to start a new life.

Ryan and I are moving into a place together. On our own. (thank god) no roommates. no stupid annoying neighborhood. No more ghetto.

Just me and him.

Starting OUR life. together.

with no job in the picture for me and a part time job for him... HOW THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO PULL THIS OFF?

It's been causing me restless nights and extreme tension. I know the phrase "when one door closes... another one opens..."

but for me I feel like I have had way more doors opening then closing.

and how frequent will doors be closing in my life.

I can't help but see nothing but one door after another opening in other people's lives. And I am struggling day to day.

I just pray a big door opens very soon.

and stays open, please.

1 year.

How does one go about recognizing their lost loved one on a d-day? death day. the day of their death.

i know there were many ways i could have gone about it. it was something that was on my mind constantly as the date approached. i had so many options.

i am guessing not many thought i would take a cruise with my current boyfriend.

but i guess that's ok.

because as I have stated before, there is no rule book for grief. it's a learning experience in which we all need to find our own path.

this photo was taken of me and John's dad on the way to his funeral...

I have contemplated what April 22, 2011 was going to have in store

for me.

Was I going to be washed away with an overflow of emotions? would i break down?

before Ryan came into the picture I had thought of spending the date with my family... and then after consideration... decided that it may not be the best choice. My family was first on the scene to pick me up on that darkest of days. To re-live that would be almost like having a second funeral. To sit around in sadness.... to relive that day over and over again. A day which i re-live almost everyday anyway. There isn't a thing in the world that can take away the picture of finding John in the bed... eternally sleeping. Nothing.

but if i could do anything to lessen the blow of April 22... going on a cruise with a new found love would probably be a good idea.

and it was.

and it was still painful.

and i am sure it isn't easy for Ryan.... for a couple reasons.

first, he hates to see me upset... and i know he feels helpless in that he cannot take back what has happened or even give back what was taken. And second, he shares me. He shares my love with someone who isn't even alive. but, none the less... my heart has been divided into parts in which he is just one. (now granted a big one now)

now.

a few months ago... actually a while ago... i wrote out in detail ALL the things that had happened THAT day. that dark day.

from walking into the room to the sirens and the screams... to the coroners to the funeral...

and I have been telling myself I will publish it so others can fully understand. but i just can't seem to do it. and i thought i would on the anniversary. but once again i am holding back. perhaps I never will share all those details. perhaps they are meant for me... and perhaps they are things you don't want to hear. but then again, there is always this part inside of us... deep inside of us... that longs to know... what REALLY happened and how did it all unfold.

i am telling you now.

right here and now.

it's something i wouldn't wish upon my most evil of enemies.

because there is just something so raw about it.

something so tormenting to the heart and soul... to see the love of your life dead in front of you. cold, stiff body and unfamiliar face.

the person you left was not the person you came home to.

and then sometimes i am like... "is this seriously the hand i was given?"

and we can go back to the "unfair" game.

it's a game i know well.

my life is unfair.

and it's easy to get stuck in the unfair rut.

to think about nothing but all the bad things that have happened.

and neglect the wonderful things.

and i don't want to be in that spot.

i want to be able to look back on all the wonderful times i had with that wonderful man. that contagious laugh. that brilliant smile. those strong hands. the sweet soul. the strong heart.

funny how something so strong could be the thing that took him away.

a heart.

what has my life come down to after 1 year of grief?

what advice can I offer to a person just starting the journey?

1) dont rely on medication. just dont fucking do it. you WILL regret it, i promise. when it's time to get off of them (and you will want to... trust me) it will be a horrible experience that will make you feel worse than you did before. try other means before turning to drugs. drugs will not take the pain away. they will help numb you. but thats all they can offer.

2) dont follow the 7 steps of bullshit. grief doesn't follow steps. just like life doesn't always follow your well made out plans... just grieve the way you need to. no one but you understands how you feel no matter what people try and tell you.

3) stick close to your friends and family. THE REAL ONES. You will have those that are there momentarily and then you will have those that will stick with you the WHOLE time through. those are the ones that will carry you the furthest.

4) Pray. and don't stop. have people pray for you. if it is ever offered... take it.

5) Love God. as much as you can say you hate Him for taking away your love... He still loves YOU. it wasn't something personal against YOU. it's not a "lesson." it's just... life. as much as I cringe to think of it that way. there is no vendetta.

6) find someone that is going through the same thing as you. i found other young widows (and they found me)... seek out others who TRULY understand. If you lost your 25 year old fiance then it isn't always so helpful to talk to someone who lost their 80 year old grandma.

7) dont give up on living. life will move on with or without you.

8) try new things. this is the time in your life to experience something new and give your mind and soul a renewal. i took up photography and i changed jobs.

9) blog. write. sing. ... have a CREATIVE outlet in which you can release your inner thoughts other than spewing words to other's ears.

10) get away. go on vacation. take breaks. people need to get a fucking clue that you need time to yourself once in awhile. and if they can't accept that than really fuck them. i know from personal experience. ugh.

11) if people can't be happy for your happiness than they aren't worth your time. any moment of joy should be praised! if someone makes you feel guilty for having happy moments than they aren't being good friends.

12) laugh. just laugh.

13) cry. and cry a lot. it's totally fine. even in public. you DO NOT need to explain yourself. trust me, i tried it all the time... and why? i had no reason to. i don't have to validate my grief to strangers. they can get over it.

14) stay involved with your past life. although living in the past will hurt and there are things that WILL change... please do not DROP everything you once had. that means friends and family. favorite places and movies and music. those are still part of you. if things become too painful then tuck them away for a time when you are ready. i just recently started watching specific genres of movies i had taken a break from since John's death. but i missed them.

15) it's ok to love again. if you lost love, that is. don't let anyone tell you different. I know John would want that for me... i know he wouldn't want me to stay miserable and alone. he would want me taken care of and honestly I think he helped send Ryan my way :)

16) reach out to others. volunteer. do charity work. find others that need help. you may feel like you have it the worst.... but go out in the world and see that there may be others that have it even worse. now help them.

... that's it for now. im sure not the most SOUND advice. but advice none the less.

You'll Never Walk Alone

I can't remember when I first started loving this song... I believe it was before I met John. Actually I know it was.

It's from the musical "Carousel." If you have never heard it please listen:

MYNWA

or listen to the Madison scouts version:

Madison Scouts

...but I know I love this song. one of my favorite musical songs of ALL TIME. All time.

The words are just perfect. And there isn't much to it really... but it really is a song to listen to in all times in your life. I remember one time in John's car (we had been dating around a year maybe... maybe more) it was my turn to choose music. I was going to put in a CD.... carousel. And of course i skipped right to my favorite part. As the music began john started to get choked up. And then he was crying. he asked me to take the cd out. the song had so much meaning to him from when he marched with Madison scouts. I never played it again in his presence. I was so surprised about the reaction it gave him. i knew john was emotional but that was the ONLY song that I ever saw him cry over.

So, I bought the musical carousel. although i love the music i had never seen the musical itself. it's kind of weird in a way.... this girl falls in love with this really not so awesome guy. like he's mean to her and he steals... and in the end he gets to somewhat redeem himself (even after smacking his daughter when he is an angel). anyway, the music is amazing.

why do the lyrics speak to me?

When you walk through a storm
Keep your chin up high
And don't be afraid of the dark.
At he end of the storm
Is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark.

Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Tho' your dreams be tossed and blown.Walk on, walk on
With hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone,
You'll never walk alone

So, there you have it. Simple yet completely true.

I often sometimes feel like i am still walking alone. even with the new addition in my life (boyfriend) i do feel like i am holding back as far as letting him know how much attention i need.

everyone is different when they are upset.

some run from their problems.

some lock it deep inside and never let another soul in.

some turn on themselves or others.

i run... to someone's arms. those arms once belonged to john. he would hold me and kiss my head and let me know "i am always in your corner." john had my back constantly. constantly. there was never any question about anything. he was on my side. and he loved me through thick and thin.

my fear now is will current bf be able to do the same?

i know he is not john. i know he is different and unique in his own way.... but i am so nervous to let him see the sad, depressed side of me. when i have a break down i really want to pick up the phone and call him. and then think twice because i risk scaring him away. magically, he hasn't been swayed yet. he's strong. and considerate.

im going to go ahead and say he's awesome.

because he is.

and i never doubted it.

but i want to be the same in his eyes. i feel bad for the things i carry with me. like my burden has now turned into OUR burden. i don't even know why i use the word burden. maybe... tragedy. what happened was a tragedy. a hurdle in my life. ok, no a hurdle. a big fucking mountain. volcano. with oozing lava. yes, hurdle my ass.

will boyfriend ever wish "man, i should have dated someone a little more normal..."

because i know i am not your average girl anymore.

i am now included in this small category. the category most men would run away from.

i guess i still find it hard that someone could love me again.

if he does love me. i mean, eventually. maybe. what??

ugh.

WHERE ARE THE DIRECTIONS TO DATING AFTER LOSING????

Can someone please tell me.

Can i get some answers pronto please?

why do i have to do this on my own?

with my crazy brain.

which has only gotten crazier since i am weening myself off Paxil.

I am at 10mg now. and in a few more days I am going off completely!! which is scary. but by then i hope boyfriend will be there to comfort me through.

he is pretty comforting already. and so understanding.

the other day in the car i told him the story. the story of April 22.

he sat and listened the whole time. holding my hand and rubbing my arm. i did a pretty good job of not crying. i told the story as if it has been imprinted on my tongue. and it just rolls off. i try not to think of it deeply. unless i am alone. i got misty at the end. and when i looked at him he wasn't opening his car door and jumping out. he was still ok. he was still attracted to me. he still liked me. and that makes it much better.

disappointment

my pillow is soaking.

my feet are tingling.

It's one of those nights.

a bad one.

i have been carrying the stress of so many things on my back and have yet to lighten the load. my biggest problem right now is this roommate issue. once again i feel like i am being backed out on. i'm stuck in a corner. and i have absolutely no control. as much as i try to be helpful you really can only do so much on your own end. and the ball is out of my court.

tonight i cried for john. i shouted out for him in the tub once again. i leaned over the edge and in between the screams found myself dry heaving. this is what happens when i let myself get to upset. i lose control. and then the pain just takes over.

but i tell you what. i am disappointed in people. and mainly those who are my friends. once again i find myself having to reach out to others instead of being reached out too. it's sad when i put up a plea for help on facebook and 1 person calls and 3 people text. out of all those hundreds of friends. neat.

and then this afternoon i sent texts to almost half of my contacts. and it was just normal chat. probably got 2 responses back then too.

one of my friends admitted being consumed by themselves. and she had recently fallen out of my universe... and found another solar system. but at least she admitted it.

listen, people. stop being scared. just let go of your comfort zone. because let's be honest.... didn't i always make people get out of it anyway? it's obvious i am still very wounded and it's obvious that bringing up john is painful. but don't you DARE pretend like he didn't exist. John was my world. my moon and stars. he was/is a hug part of my life. he is the reason i am who i am today. why would you ignore that? many of my friends were also close with john. i mean, after all we were a pair. a team. attached at the hip. yet, it feels as if they have moved on easily. maybe they aren't expressing how they feel? and why not? i would WANT to know that John is still missed. that he is still thought of and admired and adored. and that the memories we shared are still being remembered by others.

i honestly feel as if i am trying as best i can right now and then find myself going out of MY way in order to get the company of a friend. i am reaching out daily and i am completely stunned out many have not responded to anything i say or send. is this intentional? are people trying to ignore me? ignore my pain=absence of pain in their lives. yes, go ahead and escape the fear. the death. i sure as hell wish i could. oh how lucky you are. to crawl into your happy places... safe and sound. taking advantage of what you had initially taken for granted. given a second chance to appreciate your world. and mine has been ruined for the cause.

where are the thanks in that?

where is my fucking medal?

i gave everyone a second chance.

and they can't even pick up a phone to call me and say "how are you?"

that's lame.

that's bullshit.

that's a bad friend.

it's exhausting. putting on this face every day for the world to see. making it comfortable for others. making myself hold back things in order to- god forbid- make others feel the slightest bit of feelings. i work my ass off day to day... i get home and open the door to a cat and a dog. and as much as everyone likes to say "well you have lily..."

i would trade 1,000 lilys to have john back.

i mean, how can you even compare the two?

i love animals. but it's a dog. it can't give me the love and joy that i had with john. it's not even slightly close.

so coming home to this emptiness sure isn't making it easier on me.

empty table. empty bed. empty couch. empty chairs.

empty.

empty.

empty.

empty heart and empty womb.

empty.

it starts to look weird when i write it over and over.

it doesn't even look like a real word anymore.

i need sleep.

i sure hope everyone takes a time to reflect on how awesome their lives are. and after that why dont you give me a call? thanks.

self image

I hate being fat.

And I am not afraid to admit I am.

And please don't try and convince I am not.

I see myself in the mirror. But even worse.... I see myself in photos. And I see a ton of flaws. Self image is something many people struggle with. And mine seems to be suffering even more since I lost John. I think a huge part of it has to do with the fact that he isn't around to call me beautiful anymore. When you are told you are beautiful for so long and when someone likes your body no matter what for so many years... being without that confidence boost can be really depressing. It didn't mean that because I had John I wanted my body to go to shit. It just meant that he accepted me. He was insanely in love. We both were blinded by love. To the point where imperfections just didn't exist.

I could try and blame many things for my weight.

Stress.

Depression.

My medication.

birth control.

being busy.

etc. etc.

and those all contribute.... but....

(and there's always a but...)

it's sooooo me.

I eat ok now. I really did cut back on soda (sometimes i go a week without it and then splurge on the weekend). I started tracking my food. I now eat breakfast!!! (something I NEVER used to do...) I have been eating more fruit and less red meat. But I am still a long way from where i should be. I fall into the temptation of fast food easily. Especially when I am stressing out. I almost have a slight binge. It's scary. If I am on the phone with a friend and I pull into a fast food restaurant i have to make up an excuse to hang up.. or I put them on mute. I am completely embarrassed. and it's not like I pull up and order 5 cheeseburgers. Its usually something small. not even a full meal. like fries and a drink. or a ice cream. but either way.... it's not helping me.

My struggle with drinking water has always been a problem. I don't know what it is but I can't seem to stay hydrated ever. I know I need to be taking in way more water than I do currently.

And exercise???

pah!

It's totally random.

I don't stick to a routine. I am not hard enough on myself. I make excuses.

I sometimes take out my drum corps scrapbooks.... and i have a hard time believing i was ever that thin. or tan. or had muscles in my arms and legs. I must say my arms, legs and ass used to be quite toned.

And there isn't a reason they can't be again.

I just dont know if i will ever be in drum corps shape again. I mean, they literally kicked our asses and we worked so hard that weight was never an issue. i knew every summer that i would be losing 15-25 pounds. It was a given. When i would come back from drum corps i took advantage of the body i had. In corps you could eat an insane amount of food and not gain an ounce because you worked it off by the next rehearsal block. I continued to eat like that when I would get back to college. And then the weight came back.

And then i would get sad. and it's a vicious cycle.

sometimes i get in this mode... where I exercise daily and eat healthy... only to fall out of it within a week. A few summers ago I did weight watchers and lost 10 pounds and was really happy with it. so, i know i can do it again.

I just have to suck it up.

My friend, Diana. She is an amazing success story and I am completely jealous of her.

She and I both started doing Medi weight loss last year in January. I lost about 10 pounds... but eventually had to stop because it got very expensive and I started to wander away from the plan. Diana kept going... and she also started to do things like running and stuff. I didn't. Now she has lost about 40 pounds... she looks STUNNING... and can run like a beast.

I just don't get this whole running thing. I literally want to throw up everytime i run.

HOW THE HELL DO PEOPLE DO THIS FOR FUN?

self image.

im starting to freak out.

what if no one ever find me attractive again?

I am 27. I am overweight. I am a widow.

I already have so much going against me.

Not to mention the other issues I deal with in my mind. my mole was one of those things. and I had it removed. and now all i can focus on is my scar.

then there's my nose. which many think is completely normal but i find it a bit too... big. my boobs are too big. my stomach make me look pregnant. my arms are fat. my butt is losing it's cute shape. my legs are getting chunky. I have grays.

I want to feel pretty.

Sometimes.... sometimes... i feel it. i have my days where I have a confidence inside of me that feels attractive. And then a lot of times i feel insecure.

I guess I am ready to be called beautiful again.

And not just out of pity.

And not just by others.

but by myself.

to look in the mirror and actually like the reflection i see.

in darkness and in light

I have a friend.
A best friend.
We met for lunch today.
It was our usual post FMEA lunch we do.
But I knew this one would be different.
Because since April our relationship has been different.
Now I had made it to the restaurant early and found myself on the phone with a friend from college. And it was a great conversation... and at the end there were tears as I told her the details of John's death she had been unaware of. I guess there are still many who don't know. Which bothers me. How can my friends talk to me and move through many conversations and not know exactly what happened to John. That would be something I would HAVE to know. I mean, what do they THINK happened is what gets me.
Anyway, conversation ends and I hang up. I cry. Wipe tears.
Best friend walks in...
We sit. Order our drinks and then we say our words.
Except she has the floor.
She mentions how we have been distanced from each other since John's death. True.
She mentions how I am bitter. True
She also brings up things that in my mind... I am unaware of. sort of. I mean, I figured it happens sometimes... but she really lays it down.
I'm mean. I'm distant. I don't ask about anyone else's lives.
And Im floored.
And I crying and sobbing.
This cannot happen.
I refuse to lose my best friend.
Why?
Because I love her. Because I need her. Because she fills in the gaps of what I am missing. Because she makes me laugh. Because she was there for everything. Because she is one of the best friends you could ever ask for. Because I honestly CANNOT live without her. And because I know that John would hate for us to lose our amazing relationship because he left Earth.
John loved her and cared for her.
He always made sure her and I kept a strong relationship.
It was important to him that I never lose those bonds.
And now I know why.
Because one day.... when you least expect it... you could lose your John.
And all you have left are those friends. Those anchors.
That keep you in place during a strong tide of your life.
And God help you if you lose those friendships during your relationship. And what a lonely road to walk alone.
But I will not.
Because she will not let me.
And neither will others.

Valentines Day two years ago I made a collage for her... and a quote... that I never knew would have the immense relevance that it does today...
"Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light."

And then I wrote: "To a friend I would walk with in light or darkness."

Because it's true.
And now here I am. In my darkness.
And she is still walking with me.
And I could have lost her.
But she chose to stay the course and help me.
And when I gave her that... I didn't expect for the darkness to come to my life so suddenly. I was perfectly happy walking in my light. But luckily I still had her then... and many others.

I just don't want to lose people because I scare them away.
Because I am not pleasant.
Because I am rude or bitter.
Please allow me to cry. Please listen to my stories about John. Please know that I am doing everything in my power to live day to day without breaking down.
Getting out of bed has been a big feat!

But forgive me, everyone, if I had done or said something stupid.
Because the last thing I want to do is lose you.

I could always use a hand to hold while I was in this darkness.

Desperately Seeking a Roommate

I am beyond frustrated with how things are going on right now in this new year.
I mean... it's a new year. Isn't something magical supposed to happen?
I looked forward to the new year for a couple reasons... but the main reason? To not live alone. And like most of my plans these days... has fallen through.
The girl who was supposed to move in with me fell through and signed a lease with someone else. Leaving me stranded yet again in a place I can't afford on my own.
Now where do I stand?
I have a few options.... I guess.
I can keep desperately seeking out roommates. This is basically IMPOSSIBLE. I have asked almost everyone in my phone and they are either
1) married
2) living with their significant other
3) too far away
4) alrady have roommates
5) have their own house and a life need not disturbed by me


I mean I get it. I was once in that cozy spot. I was living comfortably with John's parents. Saving money, preparing for our future, planning a wedding an searching for houses. In my mind I had a future laid out in front of me that was clear and so close I could taste. The life I had always dreamed of.
I loved planning things with John.
It was amazing... John had never been quite the planner and I kind of took over that role for him when we first started dating. Eventually he caught on. But there were always times where I was like "John, don't forget tomorrow we are going to that dinner with so and so." John would say "you never told me that." "I am sure I did. It's on the calendar!"
Silly me.
Silly John.

The point here is that my life was better planned out then. It was laid out clear.

I was going to marry John
We were going to get our first house
we were going to stay local to be with his parents when we had our first children
I would eventually return back to school to get my masters

But, I am not going to marry John. I can't afford a house... let alone this apartment I am renting. I don't know where I am going to be settling in my life in the future. I guess it depends on if I find Mr. Rightish. Who knows if I will ever afford to go back to school. I am not in a financial state for that.

My plans were erased. And now I am trying to do the best I can to deal with the life that was suddenly handed to me.
Having no roommate is an issue. Especially since this is the SECOND time I have been bailed on. This is having a huge impact on my trust in people. Trust issues can cause a big problem in future decisions with friends. Will they commit or not? I worry most of the time that people will cancel on me... whether it's to be my roommate or to go see a movie with me. This is just how I have started to function. And you can see why. SO many have already gone back on their word. My close friends barely speak to me. I feel like I have to swallow my words when I mention them and say "oh yea my best friend..." then I pause and I am like... hm.... are they still my best friend? In the midst of finding all these new friends... I am very resistant to let go of the ones I already have. I DO NOT WANT TO LOSE ANYONE.
Losing John was traumatic. It's torture.
The last thing I need to have going on is to lose more and more people. And I know that's the last thing John would want. I know that even from heaven he still cares about me and my happiness. It was ALWAYS about my happiness in his eyes. I wonder if he cries in heaven. Do tears even exist there? I can only imagine if God gives him a chance to peak in on me how hurt he would be... to see me in so much struggle and pain. To see me living day to day with anxiety and worry.
How is this all going to work out?

My trust has to be in God.
That's all I can do.
Obviously I can no longer trust in people.
But I can trust in God.
He has a big plan for me. Although I can't imagine what that would be at this point.
The problem is I don't have the patience to wait.

If you were in my shoes how would you handle this?

I have considered many routes. But in the end they aren't even remotely close to what they SHOULD have been. If John were still here I wouldn't have to deal with any of this. His death opened up a lot more than just grief and mourning. It completely pulled the rug out from under my feet and is causing me to grow up faster than ever before. To take control of more situations learn to do things on my own. I hate it. But, I am doing the best I can.
That's my motto "Im doing the best I can." I must say it every day to multiple people.
Because I am.
It's not me just brushing people off.
It's the only way I can explain my process.
Widowhood doesn't come with a"know all handbook." No instruction manual.
Just me with a blank canvas and a good luck pat on the back.


Oh my goodness. What a mess I have found myself in. And I am pretty sure that some decisions I have made do not make it any better./
I guess if it is time to make risky mistakes in my life... now is that time.
I obviously need to figure this new life out and take the most out of it.

Although once again... I was PERFECTLY fine with that life I had before.

(groan)

white/black christmas

It's 10:50pm. I guess I can go ahead and safely say I survived my first Christmas without John. I never would have thought this in April... or May or even in November.

I have been reading a wonderful book lately which I recommend to all young widows: I'm Grieving As Fast As I Can. The book has many relevant chapters and a lot of useful information. It's a book especially made for YOUNG widows... which I find EXTREMELY important. There have been so many books I have read that generalize all the grief into one category. But grief comes in many shapes and sizes. And I believe young widows fall into their own special category. Because we are different. Our lives had just begun with our loved one. We still had many things to accomplish with them. Some of us were looking forward to our first wedding anniversary, to a wedding at all, to having babies, etc. Anyway, in this book they have a chapter called Holidays. It gives an insight to many things... how to make it more bearable, how to start new traditions, etc. One thing it mentions is something I have been aware of already... but never experienced to quite the level I did until this holiday. It's called Anticipation.

For a widow... or anyone experiencing a loss... the anticipation of an event.

And it's VERY true. I have freaked out more the days before an event than on the day of. And I think Christmas was one of my worst. Although most wouldn't be able to tell. It's haunted me. Yesterday was Christmas Eve. The worst day in a long time. It wasn't just the missing John part... but the heightened DEPRESSION. I felt horrible and sad... and just plain miserable. Everywhere around me people were jolly and in the spirit of Christmas. I tried to find someone that stood out. Someone that was miserable like me. Not happening. Apparently no one else in this town lost the love of their life this year too? Seriously? Can someone please just sit and cry with me..?

We went to Christmas Eve service. The one like I used to go to EVERY year with John and his dad. It was a candlelight service. Just like the one we used to go to. As the carols began everyone started to sing. I didn't. Then everyone stood. I didn't. I couldn't understand how everyone was standing... how they could sing out when John wasn't there. How can I be living in this pain alone? Why was everyone so happy? Why was I out and about anyway? How could I possibly think this was a good idea? But, I was out. I was with my family. I am alive. So, I forced myself to stand. I sang a couple carols... the last one being "Silent Night." I cried because this was the last carol we would sing at John's church. The same church where hundreds gathered for his memorial service. The same one where we would hold hands in the dark and hold our dripping candles while I sang in harmony to Silent Night. Well, while I sang the harmony.

When I left the service I found Karen (my sister in law) and I hugged her and cried and cried. I cried loud. I didn't care who heard. After all... I was in a church. If there is anywhere where this was accepted it was at a church. Yet, I couldn't help but feel maybe I was putting a kink in someone's holly jolly.

To be honest I was a huge grump yesterday. I was a typical scrooge. I was short tempered, moody, and lazy. I mainly slept in a bed most of the day. I tried to imagine what Christmas would be like without John. And I sat and thought about my past Christmases with John. I did all I could to not get upset about the Christmases I COULD have had with John. But, no joy. They come in waves. The what ifs. The might have beens. Oh my God, why?

Christmas came today. No one could stop it. Not even me and all my tears.

The holiday I used to anticipate with great joy... now anticipated with great fear!

But of course it wasn't as bad as yesterday. It went by smoother than i thought. It still sucked. It still brought pain... but I have to be grateful that I had my family to keep my thoughts away from the darkness. I still received gifts. I still gave away gifts. Something I told myself I wouldn't do.

And then a sort of miracle of a thing happened.

Something I had wanted to happen...

it snowed.

It hasn't snowed on Christmas in Raleigh, NC since 1947. The first white Christmas in over 60 years.

And it did.

For me.

Well, I believe.

And as much as it disheartens me to know that John wasn't here to experience it with me... I find comfort in that ... maybe he had something to do with it?

And then there's a part of me... that once again realizes... I'm not alone.

I made sure to contact all my friends today that have lost someone. That can make me realize that I am not alone. That we all survived this day together. That we are stronger than we think. Not because we want to be. Because we have to be. Because we choose to live and give it all we got. We have all made a decision that we don't want to give up on the life we were given. We all have chosen to honor our loved ones by living the life they would want us to live. Because their number one goal was for us to be happy.

My heart is saddened by the holiday. But I know how pleased John would be of me to have made it through. He loved my nieces. He loved my family. He would want me to enjoy my time with them. I know he would. But I think he would understand that my heart aches for him. It's hard to imagine never having another Christmas with him.

No more giving him useless gifts he would use once and never touch again or never at all.

No more Bulgari cologne to buy.

No more watching John staple the cord on the Christmas lights and ruining them all.

No more watching John hold his nephews up so they can reach the top of the tree to hang their ornaments.

I don't think I am ready to accept it.

I know I should.

It's called denial.

Yep, I guess I am still there.

"Like a million parachutes
The snow's coming down
I'll lock up the front door
And turn the lights down
In the glow of the street lights
I see them descend
Like a million parachutes
Small men on a mission"

Outgoing

No matter how much I struggle in my life… I still find myself to be an outgoing person. That will never change. It’s something I just won’t lose. Because it’s a big part of who I am… not to mention it was a big part of what John loved about me. Hopefully others love it about me too. And hopefully someone someday can fall in love with me again and love me for it as well. It’s my character.
I make friends at airports. I make friends on planes. I mean, might as well? You are sitting next to another human being for a few hours and you can’t even say hello? I don’t know how other people do it really. Not become aquainted with those around them. It’s just odd to me. In the airport today I had two hours to just wait until my flight. I met a wonderful woman in line for Wendys. We laughed and talked waiting for our food. She has a great obsession with pickles and asked for a ton of them on her cheeseburger. It’s funny because I passed Wendys like 4 times before I finally decided that was where I wanted to eat. So, her name is Cat. And we start to chat… and I ask her to eat dinner with me. We have a fantastic conversation which included what we did for a living and where we are going for the holidays. She was going to New York to see her family. That’s where she is from. Currently she lives in Las Angeles and is the vice president of a tv network. Impressive, I know. She was telling me how she got to go visit Hans Zimmer’s composing hall. She said he composes in this place that looks like a theater. I was completely jealous! I love him!! She then invited me to go get her shoes shined with her. She was sooo excited about getting her boots shined. I have never seen someone get so much pleasure out of something so simple. She had such a fresh and bubbly personality. She mentioned how she doesn’t get to be this way at her job. She has to be the big bad boss… but this was really who she was. After wards she walked with me to some shops and I just felt like I could already open up to her. I told her all about John. I told her about losing him and the struggles I go through. I told the story so calmly. Almost as if the story wasn’t my own but another’s … or some folklore. It’s sometimes like I am telling a ficticious story. How could something so horrible happen at that time in someone’s life. How cruel to lose my fiancé after 17 days of engagement. 17 days after he turned 25. How cruel for me to find him. How sad how I now live alone and without him. I’m telling the story… and she is frowning. I don’t want her to be uncomfortable. But I keep telling it. Like I need to re-hash it. Like I need to tell the story as much as I can to make it more real. But I think it’s becoming less real. Am I still numb? After 7 months is that possible? Or am I accepting it? Doubtful.
Cat told me that God brought us together at the airport. She invited me out to visit her in L.A. She gave me her card and cell phone number and we made a pinky promise to text everyday with positive thoughts. (in fact we texted when each other boarded our planes)She says that so many people come to her office and it’s always bad news so I told her I would send good news every day. This will also be a good healing project for me… to find something positive in my life everyday. Because lately I have found that harder to search for. I have to dig a little deeper and sometimes I might only come up with something small.
The sun came up today. Ok, that’s good, right? My carpet doesn’t have any stains on it. My favorite TV show came on tonight. Lily didn’t pee in the bed in the middle of the night. I lost 1 pound.
That’s about it. It’s hard… but I know I have them. Blessings. I guess I just have put on my blinders. All I can focus on sometimes the crappy hand I was dealt with losing the love of my life that I can’t see past anything but that. It’s so hard. And it’s something you can quite get until it happens to me. As much as people try to encourage me and point me in a happier direction… I tend to get bitter. Because really what do they know? They haven’ gone through it. They don’t know. It’s SO EASY to tell someone “life will get better” when they stand on the other side of the fence. The whole grass is greener thing I have mentioned before. They are standing on the green grass and talking to me how life will get better. Really? You know this for sure? You have experienced this?
I know this sounds downright rude. I sound ungrateful. I am not. I am clearly bitter and slightly annoyed. I just want people to get real with me sometimes. I want them to really try to see things from my perspective. I am going to warn you. It will hurt. It will scare you. I thought about it a couple times when I was with John. One night I thought about it in bed and I just started bursting out in tears. I told John how scared I was to lose him. How I couldn’t imagine life without him. I don’t even know what brought this up… but it was probably just me sitting in bed and coming up with scenerios in my head and beginning to worry. I remember John holding me so tight. He held me and told me comforting words. “Sweetie, that’s not going to happen.” “I’m here and I am not going anywhere…”
Oh, John. Why couldn’t you be right?
So. Now I sit on the airplane (where I always get some of my best writing done) and think about my interactions with a stranger. And how that one interaction made my day a little brighter. And it made that person’s day a little brighter. That aspect of me that John loved so much still shines through. And perhaps that is also John shining through me. If he would have been with me he would have been just as social and we would have all left friends. That is just how we lived our life. We shared it with the world around us. Now I live for the both of us. Hoping each day that I will make him proud. That I will always try and bring out the things he loved best about me and the things I loved best about him.

because I tend to worry....

I am sitting in the airport again.
And I am going to Vegas.
I should be more excited, right? Everyone wants to go to Vegas.... it's where all the cool kids go.
And it's not like I am not happy to see my sister. It's the highlight of the trip and all... but ... I still don't feel right. I have been sick for a few days now. My throat hurt, my head feels AWFUL... two migraines in a row.... stomach doesn't feel normal.... and I get lightheaded...
And I am super exhausted. I will be sleeping on the plane. Thats for sure.
I just wish I felt better. Then I would feel better about the trip.
But now I am about to get on a plane with more people. More germs. More sickness.

I feel like I have turned into a hypocondriac. I always feel like I am getting sick. But, it's not that. Because I AM getting sick more often.
I have been reading yet another one of my grief books and it says that people going through grief have a 25% less weakened immune system. Which scares the shit out of me. If John didn't die from a virus I wouldn't be like this. I would trust my body more. But, now I am always scared that I have something. I get nervous to go to sleep... I get nervous about taking naps... because I may never wake up. The nap John never woke up from. I can't imagine living the rest of my life like this. I hate sleeping alone in my house. What if something happens to me??? And there is no one to help me.
But then again there were 5 people in the house when John slipped away silently.
I feel so weak. I feel so frail. I am a fragile human being. I am a complicated organism.... yet I am so delicate. I sometimes think about my heart just beating on it's own. My blood knows where to go. My organs know their role. My brain saves information and gathers data. Although it's not doing it's best in the memory department right now.
John's death opened my eyes to just how fragile life is... and how it can be taken away even when we sleep silently. We don't have to be in vehicle accident, or do something risky... God can take us whenever he likes and however he chooses. You can't escape death.
And that scares me.
And so when I am sick I get nervous and super cautious.
A big part of me wants to run to the emergency room at every symptom I come across. I want reassurance that i am going to be ok. That I have nothing to worry about. That I am healthy and will live a long life. That I will be happy again and find love again. That I won't always feel like this. Like I am living in some sort of twilight zone movie. This is my real life. This is really happening to me...

I looked through pictures the other day... in a photo album that sits by the door. Some from just a couple years ago. They were such genuine pictures. My smile were bright and true. My skin looked good... I looked healthy and happy.
I see pictures of me now and cringe. I look different.
I look tired.
I look fat.
I look like I am faking through most of them.
I look worn.
I look different.

The shine has left my face. The light has left my skin.
I do take occassional pictures where I look better. When I find my times of happiness. Like with the beluga whales, or when I see friends, or travel to st. pete. I have the capability to go back to that light-hearted person again. Don't I? Is that allowed in the widow game? I sure hope it is. I sure hope I can manage to make that happen. It's going to take work... to bring back my spirit after the Hell it's been put through. It's worn down. I have to dig deep and find it. And find myself in the process. What will I find in this journey? What will be in the road... should I fear what I will find? Will I find anything that will come close to filling in that empty hole that sits in my chest?


I am going to go ahead and board the plane now... it's another part of the journey...
to go to a place where I shared memories with the love of my life... and make new memories with my sister. To find a scoop of happiness and live off of that for as long as I can.



ilymtli

Nov 10, 2000

I have been meaning to write this entry for a few days now... but have not been given the chance. It is a story of my past that some people may know already but also one that many are not aware of.
John's death was not my first experience with death.
It was the MOST traumatic event of my life... but not the only.

And every year I remember the day November 10. It's been implanted into my memory as I am sure April 22 will now be for the rest of my life. I really thought no day could ever be as bad as that day has been. I knew that would be the worst I would have to experience. I wasn't prepared to lose John. I wasn't prepared to lose Dennis either... or... Mr. Kusy.
This year marked 10 years since he died in a car accident in Lake Wales...around 7pm.
That day is still very fresh and vivid in my mind. Not to mention I have that afternoon on videotape... his last hours of life captured in red, blue, green.

It was a regular day of school on a Friday.
I was in theory class with my director and mentioned the fact that I had never been taught how to drive stick shift... did I mention I barely knew how to drive anyway??? He then had the idea to teach me after school. Yes, this is a big no-no for teachers... but it was 10 years ago and it was Polk county. Things are a bit different. Sort of. Did I mention I had a huge crush on him? Oh yes... he was a handsome man. He was 24 when he passed. He was weeks away from his 25th birthday. When I decided to take on the path of being a band director and go to the same college as Dennis I was a little nervous about the age 24... like it would curse me. But alas, I am 26. I out lived him. And I outlived my John.
That afternoon when I went out driving with him I was joined by my two very good friends at the time.. Danielle and Zack. Before the driving lesson we had to take video of a swimming competition Dennis was doing with another teacher at the school (Stanchu... who taught math). They did a friendly rivalry competition thing every other week for our school news. I held the camera and filmed those moments. Moments of laughter and fancy free. I was behind the camera... laughing the whole time. When we dropped off the other teacher at school Dennis said something that we would remember forever... "see you over the rainbow..."
Why did he choose to say that at that moment? I don't know.
But the song "Somewhere over the rainbow" has been a tear jerker for me ever since.
Then it was time for driving lessons.
Both Danielle and I got a try at it. We drove all around the small town... grinding gears and all. It wasn't so impressive. I remember at one point I had driven off the road. It was scary. And dangerous. I remember how nervous I was when he had put his hand over mine on the shifter... and when he touched my leg to tell me to push the clutch. I was 16 years old. I was a girl. These things happen.
He dropped us off back at the school afterwards. I remember him smiling at me and his last words were "practice for All County" I am sure there was a goodbye after that but that's what stuck in my head.
Always a band director.
When I got a confusing phone call at 7pm from a friend I didn't know what was going on. No one was really positive of what happened. All I knew was there was an accident and someone said he may have died. It just couldn't be. I had just seen him a couple hours before. I remember calling his house and leaving messages on his answering machine. I remember saying "people are spreading this rumor...so you should call me so I can tell you about it... " I remember the panic. And then I called around until I had enough people telling me he had died. Then I looked at my dad with horror and screamed "we have to go." My dad didn't hesitate. He was crying right along with me... and we went to the place where the accident had been. By the time we got there everything was cleaned up and there was no trace of it. Then my dad called his friend at a impound place... and sure enough his car had been taken there. When we pulled up I ran to his car... mangled and twisted on his side. I grabbed a magnet from the back and went to open the drivers side to climb in. I had no idea why I had chosen to do so. Panic and pain make you do silly things. There was blood in the seat and some plaques in the passenger seat. I was pulled away from the car screaming.
My dad took me home and I stayed up all night crying and holding his picture.
That was my first real punch in the face from life.
The months following are a blur. I was given some of his possessions. I was allowed to leave class if I needed to. I would always go to his office and lay on his couch and cry.
Eventually...life went on. I continued with school... I graduated... I continued to remember him... and still do to this very day.
I have dreams with him still. I have even had a dream where both Dennis and John were in it. SO WEIRD.


I really envy people who go through life without having to experience a close death. How can people be so lucky to avoid it? Maybe there are those that choose to not have many close to them in order not to experience the pain. I have thought about it... but the thought of not loving anyone is completely unbearable. I need love. It's how I survive. But how nice would it be to not have to deal with it... death, mourning, pain and grief. And that's why people may avoid me... so they don't have to deal with it either. I guess I get it. But at the same time I don't. How can you possibly just ignore it? How can you act like I am ok? How can you appreciate me just faking through days.


Lately I suck at faking... apparently. I have had more comments than ever of people asking me "is there something wrong?" "what happened to you?" "are you having a bad day." A stranger today in the vet's office said to me "it really looks like you are having a hard time right now.." At this point I broke out in tears. He felt so awkward. This man... with cut marks all over his arms. Saying MY life was hard. One of my students even came up to me Friday and said "Ms. Hassell... you look depressed." Wow. My psychiatrist even noticed that something was wrong with me. Although I denied it. Because what do I say?? The answer is always the same. There is no magical new answer. It's always John.
Ok, that's a lie.
Layers are being added daily. Things are getting complicated.
As time goes on I find myself constantly discovering myself. The good things about myself and the bad.
I am human. And this is becoming more and more apparent each day.
And I am discovering that I am just as weak as I am strong. If that makes sense. John can't fill in my gaps anymore. He can't cover my flaws. And I can't put my energy into helping his either.
I am discovering the true meaning of friendship.
I am slowly drifting from people...
and I am finding new people to add into my life... when I need them most. Almost as if God pointed them in my direction.
I HATE losing people.
But it's happening. As much as I try to prevent it... it's not always a choice for me to make. And for someone who likes to be in control and have things fixed right away... I am not doing so well with this part.
I want to make everyone happy.
But I have to focus on myself right now.
Or else I will lose myself.


I am discovering how special my love was with John.
How one of a kind it was... and how I may never be able to find THAT love again.


John's quilt project has hit a wall. I have not gotten any donations lately. And I am getting nervous. I don't have much time left. I was hoping to put in my order by the 20th.... and that's 5 days away. So please... if you can help.. PLEASE let me know. I really want to make these by Christmas time!!! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

It's just a Tuesday. In my world.

It's 9pm. I am sitting in the bath tub. The water is extra hot and I have mixed both bath oil and bubble bath. I am contemplating shaving. It's now a once a day routine... sadly. I do it anyway... it's not such a long process.
I sit in the tub and just let the day sink in. I just got home from judging All County. In the French horn room. 20 horns in a row. 20 middle school horns.
My head is aching.
And not just because it's late and not just because of all county.
I have had a long day. Nicole is gone all week in NYC and I have been teaching classes all by myself. Even though I have done this the 3 previous years before... this was before I had 430 kids. I respect Nicole so much.... because she used to do it alone. I don't know how she did. Almost all my classes are wonderful... I love my school and I love my kids. And then there's the one class. The class that I try not to pour my emotions into or get worked up with but end up doing it anyway. My 7th period. They are a handful to say the least. I want so bad to show these students how much I love music and how much I love them but no matter how hard I try they don't let me through. Their lack of respect puts up a barrier. I can't even be myself because they don't care enough for me to do so. I want to laugh and smile and joke with them. I want to play music and get them passionate for performing. But, I mostly end up yelling all period and telling kids to be quiet. Or we sit in total silence because they CANNOT handle anything else. I hate the way they make me feel. Because it's not what I want to feel. I don't want to be angry with them and I don't want them to hate me.
So, after class today I just stood there as they all filed out of the room... and as other students came to pick up their stuff I started to feel the blood rush to my face. An all too familiar feeling. My eyes filled up with tears and I collapsed in a chair to cry. Some students came to comfort me. They hugged me, rubbed my back and talked to me.
The students are comforting ME.
Of course none of them are from 7th period.
So we have developed a bond, a relationship... that I cannot establish with my 7th period.
And all of a sudden I end up a blubbering mess. I spill out my feelings to my kids and next thing I know... they are all crying with me.
I tell them how much I care about them and how much my job means to me.
That they don't realize that they are really all I have.
Because in a way that's how I feel.
John used to take up such a big chunk of my life that I didn't allow for other things to take any place in it.
I rushed home daily from my job to be with him.
I revolved everything around him and our relationship.
I do not regret it.
But I have had to figure out how to fill in his space.
So, I allowed my students to have a large piece of that space.
To fill it with purpose and passion. To give that space some life and hope. That perhaps I can inspire a student or give someone else purpose in their life.
So, it's frustrating when I can't reach them all.

One of my students wrote me an email this evening. It was so sweet and heartfelt. It made me feel better because I know I have reached her. And I may not be able to reach all 430 of the kids I have... but if I can just reach a few perhaps I will serve a greater cause.

All this reflected while in a bathtub.

After the bath I take a chewable aspirin for my headache and my paxil and wellbutrin. Oh, lets not forget the birth control and right before bed a clonapin. And a spray of flonase.
All these pills. All the medicines.
All to make me functional.

I download the latest episode of Dexter to watch later after I blog. I still watch this show even though it was "our" show. Me and John's.
Lily wants to play. She always wants to play. She has taken my underwear out of the hamper and has cheerfully spread them all over my living room and bedroom. Um. Gross.
She attacks my pants and toes as I walk to the couch. It's like I am always swimming in shark infested water with her tiny sharp teeth. I yell "no" and make mean noises and she still looks happy and smiles. It's all a game still. She grabs a tennis ball. I throw it literally 20 times. She doesn't get tired of it until it rolls under the couch.

I feel so bad when I dont have the energy to play with her all the time. I am super exhausted and she is so hyper that I can't begin to keep up with her. How can I possibly be a mom one day? I mean... Lily is just a puppy. Not like I will be a mom at the rate I am going right now.

Tomorrow I get paid. THANK GOD. I HATE living pay check to pay check.
I am sooo poor it's not even funny. Most of my expenses go towards GAS. I travel a lot now. Back and forth to places. Not to mention work. Which is half an hour each way. It's killing me. And so is my obsession with itunes. I am constantly on the hunt for new music. Stuff that doesn't always have to remind me of John... but at the same time helps me with my grief. I have always gone back to my high school days and started listening to Nichole Nordeman again. Her lyrics are AMAZING. I cried and cried the other day in the car when I listened to River God and Anyway. And probably the most inspiring song for a widow... would be Every Season. It talks about the seasons of life... and right now...I feel I am in my fall/winter. The leaves are changing... the branches are cracking and I am surronded by death.
When will my spring arrive?

Tomorrow is Wednesday.
Tomorrow is not today.
Tomorrow is filled with meetings.
Tomorrow I get a visit from a friend :)
Tomorrow I get a paycheck.
Tomorrow I don't see 7th period.
Tomorrow is a shorter day of school.
Tomorrow is one day closer to my vacation to Las Vegas.
Tomorrow is one day away from my loss.
Tomorrow is another day without John.


JOHN'S QUILT PROJECT UPDATE:
$295 raised so far!!!!
Thank you to those who have donated! I love you and appreciate your support. Once I get the project finished I will write out a list to all of those who helped raise the money so they can be recognized!




ilymtli