Go away, April.

Are we seriously back in April???

Well that's completely shitty.

And it's the third day of April?

fuck.


I need to find John's cake recipe... in a cook book I threw together in college. It was a great experimentation time for cooking. And I hit a gold mine when I found John's cake recipe.

Ok, I will share.
But it's a secret recipe.
So, let's keep it between us?

http://www.hersheys.com/recipes/recipe-details.aspx?id=183&name=...day-Cake


In two days it will be John's birthday.
His earth birthday.
The day Sarah Seay brought John Seay to Earth.
Can I ever repay that woman? Or thank her enough? Or clean her gift wrapping closet enough?
To somewhat truly thank her for the best gift of all?
A gift in the beginning which wasn't meant for me... initially. But I got to have in the end.


March was good to me.
Mainly because the end of it was spent away from my J-O-B.
I hate that I have started to think of teaching as a J-O-B.
Isn't being a band director supposed to be fun? I think that's what others see when they hear that's what I do. Banging pots and pans all day and holding hands singing songs.
Playing TV theme songs and movie soundtracks.
Playing instruments for fun.

If only people knew what hard work it really was.

But I teach an elective.
How hard can it be?

So it was a relief to go to Spring Break.
It was a relief to leave behind FL for a little bit and go somewhere else.
We went to Las Vegas to see my sister and let Ryan experience a new place.
We conquered the strip, gambled and won, marveled at the Hoover Dam and the Grand Canyon.
We did it all.
And then we came home.
And then it was back to the grind.

And back to my car....

WHICH SOMEONE BROKE INTO.

Seriously?!
And here's the weird part.
They stole CDs.... (What? WHO does that???) and my phone charger.
Ok, that's replaceable.
My then there was my yellow nano ipod.
Not just any yellow nano ipod.
But one that John gave me for Christmas. He had it engraved and it said "I love you with all my heart."
When I noticed it missing my heart sunk. And I try and remind myself "it's just a thing, Autumn...."  But it's not..... I lost something special....
Well, it was TAKEN from me. (which pisses me off beyond belief and makes me feel completely violated.)

I lost something from John again.


I had just lost my sunglasses from our 3 year anniversary a few months ago and now this ipod.
When I lose something from John I feel like I am losing part of HIM again and again. Like eventually I will have nothing to remember him by.
And my memories suck.
still.

Sometimes I will look at my students blankly trying to remember who they are. Because I have forgotten. I have forgotten their name. And it's April.
I am still waiting for my memory to recover. At least up to April 21, 2010. Erasing April 22 would be just fine and the many months to follow... at least until Feb 13, 2011 when I met Ryan.


So March ends and April begins.
A shitty month of nothing but reminders.
John's birthday.
John's deathday.

But as it turns into year two the world forgets about your grief and sorrow. The world has moved on. Frankly, it moved on the next day.
The world.
Not everyone.
Some people moved on quickly.
And some think I may have... because I am dating.
But that's not the case.
There is always such a fine balancing act between my love and affection for Ryan and my constant devotion and love for John.
It's hard to start a relationship when you are grieving. But it has to start eventually.
And you have to learn to grieve a little less often.
But in April I am allowed to grieve.
But my new school might not understand. Because they weren't there.
They may know about it.... but in their mind two years ago was a long time. In my mind I am like "how dare you schedule my formal evaluation conference on John's birthday. Don't you know I need a break that day?"
Of course not.
Because
1) They are heartless. They really couldn't care less
2) They haven't cared about me any other time so why would this day be any different???

Oh, do I sound bitter?
Maybe it's because more and more each day I find out that I work around a really sour bunch of people.
I put on my happy face EVERY DAY for these people and I will seriously get the cold shoulder if I ask any type of favor. I say hello and good morning and make an effort to greet everyone in a kind manner. And yet there are only about 4 people in the whole school who can tell me apart from the chorus teacher.



And I am so focused on all of this....
And I am trying to remember my fiance....
And I am trying to build my future.....

That I think I may just combust.



I HATE APRIL.
SO FUCKING MUCH.

fight or flight

fight or flight is a response to stress in animals.

an animal can choose to fight it's stress or flee from it.

a zebra will most likely choose to run when a lion is nearby.

a human may choose to hit another person when they feel threatened by them.

for me... when my stress goes up... my anxiety goes WAY up.

and then i have an urge of "flight or flight."

Lately all I want to do is run away from my stress. Or run to Ryan.

When I found out I lost my job I quickly got in my car... cried the whole way home.. and ran into Ryan's arms when I got there.

When my roommates piss me off I quickly go to my room and shut the door. I don't want to see their stupid faces and the messes they make and won't clean up. I don't want to argue anymore. Or fight about it... because it's not worth my time anymore. THEY are not worth my time anymore. I just want to avoid it.

Sometimes I feel a panic inside of me when I haven't heard from Ryan for a few hours. Even when he is a at work. I have literally had thoughts in my head to go get into my car and drive to his work. I have had to resist urges to show up at his work just to make sure he was there and ok. That's just weird.

and I know I sound like a lunatic when i come up with these thoughts. and i know what i am thinking isn't rational. it's just weird.

ryan tells me CONSTANTLY that he loves me. yet, I long to hear it all the time. It's like I need to know at all times that Ryan loves me. And does he still love me 5 minutes later? Why yes, yes he does.

I know a big part of this stems from my trauma.

In fact, it may all stem from that.

and i really think i have worked hard to make sure it doesnt interfere with my life. but i am afraid one day it will bite me in the ass.

what's gonna happen if one day i flee?

and i just leave my job because the stress has gotten to me?

or whatever crazy things my brain wants me to do.

i am so nervous about having to maintain myself like this.

i am longing for the day where i can live each day with low impact of stress and full capability of breathing. long sighing breaths of air. the day where my job is secure. the day where Ryan and I find a place together and we no longer have to live with slobs.

Slobs that, let me tell you, had the audacity to ask us to buy them more coffee when we used it like a couple times yet they used ALL my paper towels, laundry detergent, toilet paper, etc. etc. Now why the hell do you think I should go out and buy you coffee?! Just selfish.

I mean, who the hell deserves this?

I can't even come home stress free because I have to face THAT.

I can't even consider this a home.

It's where I live.

I am waiting for my home.

at the end of June.

...as you can tell... I am a bit pissed off right now at my situation.

I can't get a break no matter what.

and i have tried the positive outlook. i have tried the pissed off at life outlook... everything seems to come out the same.

shitty.

dear friend

You must understand, friends.

That I am allowed to be angry. For all the days that I am strong, chipper, and facing the world with the smile... I am allowed days of anger, grief, sadness...

because that's all part of this journey.

As a friend I don't expect you to be at my beck and call every 24 hours. Although some of you have mentioned that I can call you anytime. I trust those who have mentioned this.

I do not try to drag everyone down into my problems. That's why I blog. So, if one is offended then you just have to stop reading. Because, the whole purpose of this is to express myself.

Someone commented yesterday that "the reason your friends stop calling you is because they want to LIVE."

Probably one of the most selfish things I have heard.

I am offended and just plain taken aback.

I would NEVER stop calling a friend if they are in pain. This is the time you want to call them MORE. Or else... why would they be a friend? To only have them in the good times in your life?What a waste of a relationship.

Helen Keller once said:“Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light.”

I couldn't agree more. Why it may be easy to go on with your happy life that doesn't mean to abandon those in need. I know it's easy to dismiss this with a "you have to move on." But that doesn't just happen. And it takes time. It's only been 9 months. My wound is still healing. It's in fact very fresh. So, perhaps it would be best to try and imagine what it would be like to be in my shoes. It's awful, huh? I wouldn't want to do it either. I am living the nightmare everyone is afraid to face. I lost the one thing I can never replace completely. Along with the future we had planned together. And with sorrow comes the support of friends. They are my stake in the ground.... and I am the vine that grows around it. With the stake I can grow taller... reaching towards the light. without it... I whither away.

I need my friends.

And I hope they feel they need me.

I know they do.

As a friend I feel like I have a lot to offer.

And I know that John wouldn't want me to lose those I love most because of his death. But I am sure he would also want me to be taken care of.

It isn't that I am not learning to find my own way.

I do that day to day.

But part of who you are is the people you surround yourself with.

A friend makes that phone call. As uncomfortable as it may be... it means the world. A friend invites me to lunch, coffee, or a movie. I don't expect you to pay. I don't expect you to pick me up. I will meet you there. We can talk about anything. It doesn't have to be about John. And if you want to talk about John... I am more than willing. I love sharing our stories and our love. Thats how I keep him alive.

A friend reaches out when I am at my worst.

When I cry out for help it's usually for a good reason.

When the pain gets tough... it's nice to have someone there to hug, hold, and cry on.

Did their LIFE stop when they offered their help? Absolutely not. They are doing what I would do for them. They care. They want to continue the bonds made before John's death and make them stronger even after.

There are two ways we can make it out of this:

1) I lose you.

You stop calling. You can't handle my burden. You float off into your own world. You become distant. You say something rude. You make me feel guilty for having grief. You never take time to listen or be sympathetic or empathetic. You lack the compassion to carry on a mature relationship with someone.

2) Our friendship grows stronger than ever.

We pick up where we left off and build on what we have using lessons learned from John's death. That you never know where life can take you and to cherish the people you have in your life that LOVE you. You share your LIFE with me rather than "moving on" with it. You remember me and you remember my John. You don't forget the milestones. You offer help. You listen and offer advice. You become a person I can rely on. Our relationship becomes stronger than ever before.

It's really something I have no control over.

As much as I would love to keep all of my friends... it wouldn't surprise me if I lose a couple. And it just breaks my heart.

Friends, do not give up on me.

For I would never give up on you.

And neither would John.

He wouldn't want his death to cause me to lose more loved ones.

Losing people after a traumatic loss due to the fact of their own misunderstandings is adding insult to injury. Why add to the pain? Loss is loss. Losing John PLUS people I care about immensely... makes no sense.

Please watch your words.

Please think twice before you speak.

Your words are ammunition.

And some have wounded me with their words.

Take a step back. from yourself. from your computer.

reflect on all the things you have.

Now, pick your favorite thing.

Maybe it's your husband, your child, your pet, your job...

now. take it away. imagine it was taken from you. INSTANTLY. SUDDENLY. UNEXPECTANTLY.

Feel the hurt.

Feel the confusion.

Feel the emptiness.

You lost your world.

But now come back... and realize it's not really gone because it was just imaginary.

Mine is not.

Mine is a reality.

What does it take to get you to understand, friend?

disappointment

my pillow is soaking.

my feet are tingling.

It's one of those nights.

a bad one.

i have been carrying the stress of so many things on my back and have yet to lighten the load. my biggest problem right now is this roommate issue. once again i feel like i am being backed out on. i'm stuck in a corner. and i have absolutely no control. as much as i try to be helpful you really can only do so much on your own end. and the ball is out of my court.

tonight i cried for john. i shouted out for him in the tub once again. i leaned over the edge and in between the screams found myself dry heaving. this is what happens when i let myself get to upset. i lose control. and then the pain just takes over.

but i tell you what. i am disappointed in people. and mainly those who are my friends. once again i find myself having to reach out to others instead of being reached out too. it's sad when i put up a plea for help on facebook and 1 person calls and 3 people text. out of all those hundreds of friends. neat.

and then this afternoon i sent texts to almost half of my contacts. and it was just normal chat. probably got 2 responses back then too.

one of my friends admitted being consumed by themselves. and she had recently fallen out of my universe... and found another solar system. but at least she admitted it.

listen, people. stop being scared. just let go of your comfort zone. because let's be honest.... didn't i always make people get out of it anyway? it's obvious i am still very wounded and it's obvious that bringing up john is painful. but don't you DARE pretend like he didn't exist. John was my world. my moon and stars. he was/is a hug part of my life. he is the reason i am who i am today. why would you ignore that? many of my friends were also close with john. i mean, after all we were a pair. a team. attached at the hip. yet, it feels as if they have moved on easily. maybe they aren't expressing how they feel? and why not? i would WANT to know that John is still missed. that he is still thought of and admired and adored. and that the memories we shared are still being remembered by others.

i honestly feel as if i am trying as best i can right now and then find myself going out of MY way in order to get the company of a friend. i am reaching out daily and i am completely stunned out many have not responded to anything i say or send. is this intentional? are people trying to ignore me? ignore my pain=absence of pain in their lives. yes, go ahead and escape the fear. the death. i sure as hell wish i could. oh how lucky you are. to crawl into your happy places... safe and sound. taking advantage of what you had initially taken for granted. given a second chance to appreciate your world. and mine has been ruined for the cause.

where are the thanks in that?

where is my fucking medal?

i gave everyone a second chance.

and they can't even pick up a phone to call me and say "how are you?"

that's lame.

that's bullshit.

that's a bad friend.

it's exhausting. putting on this face every day for the world to see. making it comfortable for others. making myself hold back things in order to- god forbid- make others feel the slightest bit of feelings. i work my ass off day to day... i get home and open the door to a cat and a dog. and as much as everyone likes to say "well you have lily..."

i would trade 1,000 lilys to have john back.

i mean, how can you even compare the two?

i love animals. but it's a dog. it can't give me the love and joy that i had with john. it's not even slightly close.

so coming home to this emptiness sure isn't making it easier on me.

empty table. empty bed. empty couch. empty chairs.

empty.

empty.

empty.

empty heart and empty womb.

empty.

it starts to look weird when i write it over and over.

it doesn't even look like a real word anymore.

i need sleep.

i sure hope everyone takes a time to reflect on how awesome their lives are. and after that why dont you give me a call? thanks.

in darkness and in light

I have a friend.
A best friend.
We met for lunch today.
It was our usual post FMEA lunch we do.
But I knew this one would be different.
Because since April our relationship has been different.
Now I had made it to the restaurant early and found myself on the phone with a friend from college. And it was a great conversation... and at the end there were tears as I told her the details of John's death she had been unaware of. I guess there are still many who don't know. Which bothers me. How can my friends talk to me and move through many conversations and not know exactly what happened to John. That would be something I would HAVE to know. I mean, what do they THINK happened is what gets me.
Anyway, conversation ends and I hang up. I cry. Wipe tears.
Best friend walks in...
We sit. Order our drinks and then we say our words.
Except she has the floor.
She mentions how we have been distanced from each other since John's death. True.
She mentions how I am bitter. True
She also brings up things that in my mind... I am unaware of. sort of. I mean, I figured it happens sometimes... but she really lays it down.
I'm mean. I'm distant. I don't ask about anyone else's lives.
And Im floored.
And I crying and sobbing.
This cannot happen.
I refuse to lose my best friend.
Why?
Because I love her. Because I need her. Because she fills in the gaps of what I am missing. Because she makes me laugh. Because she was there for everything. Because she is one of the best friends you could ever ask for. Because I honestly CANNOT live without her. And because I know that John would hate for us to lose our amazing relationship because he left Earth.
John loved her and cared for her.
He always made sure her and I kept a strong relationship.
It was important to him that I never lose those bonds.
And now I know why.
Because one day.... when you least expect it... you could lose your John.
And all you have left are those friends. Those anchors.
That keep you in place during a strong tide of your life.
And God help you if you lose those friendships during your relationship. And what a lonely road to walk alone.
But I will not.
Because she will not let me.
And neither will others.

Valentines Day two years ago I made a collage for her... and a quote... that I never knew would have the immense relevance that it does today...
"Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light."

And then I wrote: "To a friend I would walk with in light or darkness."

Because it's true.
And now here I am. In my darkness.
And she is still walking with me.
And I could have lost her.
But she chose to stay the course and help me.
And when I gave her that... I didn't expect for the darkness to come to my life so suddenly. I was perfectly happy walking in my light. But luckily I still had her then... and many others.

I just don't want to lose people because I scare them away.
Because I am not pleasant.
Because I am rude or bitter.
Please allow me to cry. Please listen to my stories about John. Please know that I am doing everything in my power to live day to day without breaking down.
Getting out of bed has been a big feat!

But forgive me, everyone, if I had done or said something stupid.
Because the last thing I want to do is lose you.

I could always use a hand to hold while I was in this darkness.

Shit People Do and Say

When you grieve you go through an anger stage. Forget the order of grief. That's total bull.
The stages of grief come in no order and have no specific time frame. So, anger is a stage. It's a stage I come in and out of. And lately I have been a bit angry... because I have started to realize the shitty hand I was dealt... and listening to people tell me things like "God has a purpose" "there is a reason for everything..." "you're going to be so much stronger.." is just stupid.

As time goes on people think they can slip away silently and quietly go back to their normal lives and leave me behind to figure out my own. Everyone thinks I need them most in the first month. But that couldn't be farther from the truth. I need people now. In times where I am alone and everyone else has gone their own way and continued on their path of life... getting engaged, married, getting their masters, having babies, buying houses...
I still need my friends. I still need people to invite me over... OR DRIVE OVER and visit me. I need company. I need to be invited out. I need to get away.

And it's weird but sometimes I feel like some people watch me as if I am some kind of project. My life is a real world soap opera. Everyone can tune in and watch what happens. Will I find love again? Will I go crazy? Will I go to the hospital? Will I survive? Will I do something drastic to myself?
And at the same point I do feel some pressure to try and change... to be different and act different.
I am told I will be different. I will change.
But honestly I was perfectly fine the way I was.
I had NO problems with the "old" me. Why do I have to find myself again??? I thought I did this in college.
And why doesn't anyone else have to find themselves too? I know a lot of people that should be finding themselves more than I need to.


Oh, and if I hear one more person say "You look tired" I will punch them in their face!! YES. I look rough. I hardly ever wear make up anymore.. I have been through a lot. I am grieving. I cry a lot. I am tired and worn and just making it through the days barely.
So, if I look "tired" ... which means "you look like shit" let me apologize. I should be focusing on impressing people more I guess.



rant over.

stupid bumper stickers

Today I drove behind a car.
It had two bumper stickers on it.

first. let me tell you how much I dislike bumper stickers.

anyway. the first one was simple. It said I love yoga.
well, apparently. you decided you love it so much to stick it on your car. look, i don't think even my kid making honor roll will ever get me to put a bumper sticker on my car. and that's my freakin' kid. you, love exercise. not even a person. a thing that makes you sweat, smell bad and sore. wow.
a
the second one said "if something good can happen, it will." Obviously a play on Murphy's Law.
And it pissed me off so much. I kept driving pondering what it meant. I was really upset about it. Of course, I mean it makes sense. They like yoga and bumper stickers. Of course, they have this mentality. But does it even make sense?! I wanted to pull them over and tell them my story. Then I wanted them to tell me the good part. Go ahead, give it your best shot Mr. or Ms. Yoga lover. I'm not saying that I am a pessimist. I never have been. I am a realist.
And obviously I have lost the sense of trying to be optimistic.

Ok, enough with that stupid bumper sticker. ugh.


The apartment is coming along.
A few days ago we got a couch and DVD racks. We have put things on the wall. They are no longer "sanitarium white" as John liked to call apartments. Today I bought a storage shelf for my bathroom, a desk, and a side table for the living room. Everything is coming along. Yesterday I bought beautiful peacock curtains and a peacock colored vase filled with a pretty arrangement of fake flowers and peacock feathers. Obviously I am going for a theme here. All based around Waldy, the wonder peacock. And of the picture with John holding him.
The apartment is a project. It keeps me busy and always gives me something to add to my list. As much as I love crossing things off my list I know that it will never be empty. There will always be something to add.
But, no matter what I try and do... this apartment still isn't feeling completely like "home" just yet. It's missing it's obvious element. It's missing John Seay. It's missing his presence. His actual presence. As much as I feel he is always with me in spirit and in my heart... I would love to touch him and physically see him. There is so much I want to tell him. There is so much I want to show him. I want him to give me feedback and I want to see his face light up and hear his laugh.
He would mostly be like "how did you talk yourself into an apartment again?!"
I swore up and down I would never live in an apartment again.
John and I were set on living with his parents until we saved up enough money to get a house together. I hated apartment living. Even though it did bring us close to some great people.
Ya see, John and me...we were old fashioned. When a new neighbor moved in we would cook them brownies or cookies or cupcakes and bring them over to welcome them. I remember we always tried to figure things out about them first.... eyeing their moving truck items or the car they drove. We would walk over together and introduce ourselves. I think it always caught everyone by surprise. I mean, who does that anymore???? We did.
And because of it we met great people... Frankie and Dawn, Christoph and Juliet, Alaina, Jeremiah and Kelley. All because we wanted people to feel welcome and to feel comfortable around us. It wasn't long after that these neighbors were coming over for dinners, playing rock band with us or going out to restaurants in our company. We loved making new friends and being social. If we didn't know anyone around us then we knew we would just have to make new friends. plain and simple.

I couldn't imagine myself making baked goods for anyone in my new complex. it's a different atmosphere and I am in no mood for schmoozing for new friends. I don't remember the last time i baked anyway. was it the night i made hundreds of valentine cookies for john?
Losing John has taken part of me away. I have lost half of myself.
Just as half of a dollar has lost it's worth.
Just like half of a building has lost it's stability.
Half of a meal isn't fulfilling.
half of a college eduation is pointless.
Half of a person... just isn't the same.

Don't get me wrong. I act very normal. But the way I act and the way I FEEL are not in line with each other. Anyone can act their way through life. It's a trick I am learning to master. But to FEEL like life has a purpose and a meaning and a reason. Well, that can change everything.
Throughout our lifetime our feeling towards life's purpose can change. i know some who focus solely on their careers or give complete focus to their children or pets. After all, a purpose in life gives us a reason to live. Mine was John. It wasn't always. It took time and a love to grow to eventually get this way. If anyone knows anything... our story started out bumpy. We had a lot of hurdles to accomplish in the beginning before it came out to the fairy tale story it eventually got to. And then nightmare.

So. I have to force myself to re-focus. On what? Obviously the answer is myself. And the people I love. But first and foremost. Myself.
I am trying to find myself. I am trying to figure out who I am daily. I am trying to love myself and seek out my feelings and how to express them.
I am trying to re-connect with my friends. Old and new. I am trying to help others as best as I can while still trying to help myself. I am trying to take time for myself even when the world around me is going full speed.
Things I need to get better at:
staying connected with my family
learn new things
find new hobbies
listen to more classical music
practicing my musical instruments
taking care of myself ... exercising...
getting on a better sleep schedule.

...now what was I doing?

I can't believe how SHITTY my memory is now.
I mean, I knew this would be a side effect. One of my widow books explained this is very common... not just for widows... but for anyone that has lost something/someone important to them. I mean, it's depression.
And it's funny too because last night me, Andrea and Kelly were watching the History Channel special called "America." (which we are so addicted to and LOVE) and I was calling out dates and events left and right. I remembered all this stuff I never thought I would remember about America's history. But, when it comes to my own life... forget it. literally. At first it was a little annoying. But now I get mad. pissed even. WHY CAN'T I REMEMBER SOMEONE'S NAME THAT JUST INTRODUCED THEMSELVES TO ME? When people call and say "can I have lunch with you tomorrow..." and I say yes back... if I don't write it down IMMEDIATELY in my phone this meeting WILL NOT happen.
Sometimes I will think of something I need to do... like, go get a drink of water.... and I will walk to the kitchen and just stare at it. Then I will walk to the hallway. Then back to the kitchen. I will open drawers and cabinets and then go back upstairs. Then once I am upstairs I will be like "damn it!! I needed water."
it.is.ridiculous.

yesterday i went with andrea and kelly to their audition for Halloween Horror Nights. I was going to try and audition with them but glad i didn't. I don't know if I could handle that right now. usually i get excited for it every year. but i dont want to go to a house with anything with dead bodies. which is like every house. so, i might go and see Bill and Teds and that's it for me. Anyway, the audition started at 5:30. We got out at 12:30AM. That's right. We got home at 1am and I had to get up early to turn in some paperwork for school. So, it's too late to take my Ambien. I couldn't sleep until 4am. So, it's back to ambien for me. Poor Kelly. She stayed up with me rubbing my back, massaging my hands, talking to me...
my head was reeling.
it doesn't stop. especially at night in the dark. especially when I am alone. some of my worst moments are in cars. when I drive my car alone I will put on my music... and i will turn it up ridiculously loud and sing along until eventually i am sing-crying. then it's just crying. then it's praying outloud or talking to to john. but like I have said before. i have a hard time forming sentences when i start talking to John. it's blurts. "baby" "i love you" "i miss you" "why..." "remember me..." "i don't know what to do."
i wait for signs. I wait for something magical to happen. i search for a symbol that John is listening. that he is comforting me. but the only signs i get on I4 are bad drivers slamming on their brakes.

yesterday at the auditions a woman in line asked me when my wedding was. I was stunned. I was NOT expecting this question. I haven't gotten it yet since John died. So, I just sat and stared at her. Andrea and Kelly also stared. There were awkward smiles. the kind you make when things are awkward. and we felt bad for this woman. who asked. but andrea and kelly told her the situation. and she was completely embarassed and it got awkward. she walked away. eventually we talked to her again later that night. but this is just one of the many awkward moments I am going to have for the rest of my life. i guess I ask for it when i wear my ring. and when people ask they expect me to beam and yell out a date and giggle contagiously.
yay yay yay!

but, i am not taking it off to avoid the occassional awkward question.
because wearing it reminds me of the devotion John had to me. the promise he had given to me.
17 days. that was as long as we were engaged. but it had felt longer. maybe because i felt like we had been engaged for much longer... just without a ring. living together since day 1. being by each other's side constantly.

By the way: Andrea and Kelly made the gig at Universal. their first official job here in Orlando. a seasonal job. 2 months. but, it's something. so, I am happy for them. and this is a start. this is SOMETHING. And a small glimmer of hope for them and for me. a little security in this trying time.
i cant believe I typed the word trying.
trying? really?
(sigh)
even I can't figure out how to label my life. it's literally turned upside down. I am hanging on just barely. What adjectives can I possibly use to describe this hell I have to bare?
shitty.
just plain shitty.

Let's Be Honest

I woke up today in bed thinking.

Then I opened an email.

Then I went on facebook.

Then I read some blogs.

And then it came to my attention that today....I feel like shit.

I HATE the fact that everyone has been moving right along with their lives as if John didn't die almost 2 months ago.

That's not a long time.

I have been reading books on grief and on loss and widowhood and they all mention this time comes. The time when people move on and you are still stuck. That the phone calls become less frequent and the emails. And when people talk to you they want you to smile and act as normal as possible and help you "move on."

IT HASN'T EVEN BEEN TWO MONTHS.

So. It's ok that I feel this way.

And screw anyone that thinks otherwise.

This is a shitty situation.

This wasn't supposed to happen to me or my poor John. My baby. He was so happy and loving his life. He wasn't given a chance. We weren't given a chance. At a life with marriage and buying houses and having babies.

The rug has been yanked from under me and I find myself feeling more and more alone.

Friends have started to call less.

Apparently they can't handle my sadness anymore. Or the ffact that EVERYTHING reminds me of John. I mean, I talked constantly about John when he was alive. Now it's 10x worse. Am I bringing people down?

Oh and then there's the "we just want to give you time to yourself or distance"

Really?

Do you think that's what I need right now?

More alone time?

To me and my crazy thoughts of how my life has turned into utter shit?!

Really now?

Why thank you for being so courteous!

And for the record.

I am not "strong."

I am surviving.

As I have heard from other widows... strong is deciding to climb Mt. Everest. Strong is doing a full marathon. It's a chosen decision.

Surviving is what I am doing.

I am making it day to day. And sometimes those days are dark.

Yes, I do have better days.

But just because I have ONE better day doesn't mean "oh, Autumn is getting through this." Because the next day I can fall right back into that pit of darkness that eats me alive. That leaves me breathless and angry and bitter.

I am trying to live.

I am trying to live because I have no choice.

I am certainly not going to kill myself. Sit in a room in a corner and whither away.

I have decided to live.

But that's about all I have decided.

And then people ask my opinions. What do I want for dinner. Where do I want to go. What movie do I want to see.

I DON'T CARE.

These are stupid questions.

The last thing I care about is whether we have pizza or chinese for dinner.

Sometimes people want to be careful about what they say around me. So they ignore the situation TOTALLY. they don't even say "im sorry for your loss." Then I am left there wondering "do they know?" "should someone tell them I am usually not this weird and lofty?"

Because then I look like a total bitch. Not that I care right now but this was not who I was.

I was not this mopey, sad person.

I hate what I have become but this is what it is for now.

You can't rush me through my grief.

And then there comes the fact where I feel like my grief is hardest. And I do feel this way.

This is something I cannot help. I lost an intimate partner. I lost my future. Every little plan I had solved out for my life involved John.

Imagine that being stripped away from you.

CAN YOU IMAGINE IT?

Most can't.

That's what I hear at least "Oh, Autumn. I can't even imagine."

But I want you to.

I want you to slip into my shoes and I want you to try to get at least some understanding that my life is broken.

My heart is broken.

My world is broken.

I have no idea what my future holds.

People tell me to take it one day at a time and then the exact same people will ask "what are you going to do now?"

WTF!!!!

You just told me to take it one day at a time.

I don't know if I am going back to work.

I don't know where I am going to live.

No, I am NOT washing John's clothes. Probably ever.

I don't know how long I am staying in North Carolina and when I come back to Florida... what the hell am I am doing?! Gypsy time again?

I don't know when I will be able to sleep alone.

Because the dark scares me and I am afraid if something happens I will be alone.

Yes, that's weird. That's called trauma. And I have recognized how that might be weird to some of you. But I found John dead. I touched his dead body and I shook him and I cried out for him and he wasn't there. He died alone in a bed.

I don't want to be alone in a bed.

Why can't people just support me. And stop pushing me.

Pushing me back to where I used to be.

I will never be the same.

And I guess that bothers people. Because a lot of people don't like change. For the worst.

I was one of those.

I was comfortable.

I was content.

And I was FORCED to change.

I can't just magically make things return to normal. Because I lost my best friend.

And I know others mourn for John. I know people cry in their cars or in their beds or whereever.

You are allowed to cry in front of me. It makes me feel like others are still grieving for him. It makes me feel less alone. It's not a misery loves company mantra. It's just a "I get you" kind of thing. And if you don't want to cry or talk. That's ok too. Sometimes just sitting next to me and keeping quiet is what I need. The presence of a body. But silence. That doesn't bother me.

I didn't ask for this suffering.

All I ask is that everyone just lay off and be patient with me.

Pardon the weird requests.

And when you say "if you need anything" or "call whenever you need." Please stay true to your word. That pisses me off so much.

Stick true to your word. You never know when you will be needing it.

Because when that time comes and someone else goes through a hard time. I will come and be there for them as much as they were for me.

Call it karma. Call it whatever.

My life just sucks right now.

Anything others can do to make it less suck would be nice.