Flying.

**I wrote this blog Thursday night on the airplane on my way to Long Island to see my sister and sister-in-law** It basically was my "flying therapy" to keep me distracted while flying alone. I hope it makes sense...

I have a whole row to myself on an airplane.

The cabin is dark and calm.

It’s quiet… well, I assume it is. Coldplay is now singing in my ears so I wouldn’t know what the rest of the cabin sounds like. But I am pretty sure it would be quiet. It’s almost 11pm.

And I now remember why I love night flights.

I am a little nervous though. Not for my usual reasons…not because of flying or anything.

But because Karen (my sister in law) is still in Raleighj waiting at her aiport.

All of our flights were delayed this evening. Mine by about two hours. Hers… well… WHO KNOWS. And now I am on the plane and have no clue what her fate will be until I land in NY two hours from now. Grr!

I am nervous because we have planning this getaway for a long time now.

How could we let BALTIMORE ruin it for us?
We have a very important date with Jimmy Fallon tomorrow.
We cannot afford to miss it.

It’s Karen’s dream. She LOVES Jimmy Fallon too. (it’s just ANOTHER thing that makes us soul mates. Our taste in funny men. Haha).

I am landing in NY at 12:50am.

Yes. Late.

And tomorrow is supposed to be a fun filled day in the city.  For Karen especially.

Sight seeing.

And Jimmy, of course.

…..

oh no.

turbulance.

It’s happening right now.

I hate it.
And Ryan isn’t here to hold my hand. To rub my palm and reassure me… “it’s ok.” “everything is going to be ok.”

I look around the cabin and I notice everyone else seems to be calm and composed. Is this not bothering them? Is it just bothering me?
Why can’t I be calm like them?

The answer is: they don’t know what fear feels like.

They have never looked it in the face.

Like me.

Life changed for me when I lost John. I saw death. I met it. I looked it in the face. I was forever changed. My innocence filled with fear. And anxiety. And I lost that calm. But I don’t want to be forever changed. I want to be that carefree girl again. I want to pretend that bad things don’t happen. Especially to good people. I want to feel that again.

Oh, God.

Please grant me that peace again.

The turbulence has stopped for now.

And I am starting to feel better.

THANK GOD for my klonipin.

I take it before every flight.

Airports have their routine.
And here is mine:

·      Check in—always on time…I am not a late girl. I just don’t do it. Especially with travel. I am usually very anxious to get to wherever I am going. I am ready to go.

… Except tonight….
because I had to say goodbye to Ryan. See. Ryan is my travel buddy. He’s supposed to go with me everywhere. When he went on my first trip with me I vowed he would have to go on all of my trips with me forever.
Did I just break that vow?
I guess so? But Karen is worth it. She is my exception J

SO. I kissed him goodbye. I kissed my fluff ball (Lily) goodbye… and headed towards my gate

·      Checking in was so simple when it’s late. NO ONE is here. Why would I ever fly any other time? Maybe I should keep this in mind. It’s quite nice. I BREEZED by through security. In fact, they were actually NICE. It’s amazing how less stress can make everyone much more pleasant. We had conversations.

·      And then I boarded the wrong tram.

·      And then I turned around and boarded the right tram (this is a typical Autumn move) I can’t tell you how many times I have flown out of Orlando but… I will find some way to screw it up. I blame you, ryan. You should have been here to fix me J hehe xoxo

·      Wait. And wait.
Realize you didn’t bring headphones. Head over to the best buy machine. And then contemplate it. SHOULD I BUY HEADPHONES? There really is no question with me. I do NOT fly without music. I can’t. It’s the only thing I have to calm me down…. So… my options varied. $20 headphones were cheapest. It went all the way up to $300 Bose headphones. Of course I wanted the Bose… mainly because I used to have them.  (but seriously I bought the cheapest pair. Hello. I am a teacher.)

o   Story time: I won a pair of Bose noise cancelling headphones in a contest once. I was sooooo excited!!!! They were PERFECT for me. I traveled all the time… and they were so expensive and I got them for FREE! Yes!

And you know who else was excited? John.

He stole them from me ;) He loved them.

And I let him take them to Europe. They survived the whole trip. And then… they disappeared. I was heart broken. And I have longed to have another pair forever. But can’t bring myself to buy them. Because I am cheap.

I hope another opportunity arises where I can win another pair.

·      Board the plane.

·      Pick a seat. I pick window. EVERYTIME. It’s my favorite spot. I like to watch everything… and I watch INTENTLY on take off and landing. I have slept through landings twice. It was weird. Because I never do that. It’s kind of cool because one moment you are in the air… and the next you are at your destination and you missed any moment of fear and anxiety. But I like landing. It’s fun. I dunno…. It’s like a “hallelujah” moment for me. WE MADE IT. YAY!

·      Take off is always nerve wrecking for me. But tonight went fine.
I secretly wear my headphones. And listen to music. I can’t do take offs without music.

o   Story time: John taught me a trick… and it  was one of the reasons he wore hoodies when we traveled (besides the fact that he always found a reason to sport one). He would put the hood on and pretend he was napping and it would hide his headphones. Thanks, John! I still do that. In your honor, of course.

My usual music for take off is consistent. It never really changes. It’s “Recycled Air” by The Postal Service.  The lyrics are literally about flying… and it seems perfect. I am one of those who likes music to be relevant and what is more fitting than that?

Tonight I changed it.
I played Coldplay.
not airplane related.
But Autumn related.
Coldplay wrote their music for me.
But I picked an interesting song to listen to… I picked Princess of China.

And then I got to watch all the little cars turn into little fireflys wandering around in straight lines. Back and forth. Up and down. Mazes of lights in the darkness. Organized patterns. Of light.

·      Flying. I am flying in the air now. And my drink of choice??? HOT TEA. I get it EVERYTIME I fly. With cream and sugar. I asked if they had lemon… they did not but they have limes. So I said sure. It was a great choice. J It’s a yummy drink

o   My drink of choice has not always been hot tea. When I marched drum corps it used to be GINGER ALE. It was my tradition. Every month I would fly to camps…everywhere… Illinois… Wisconsin… New jersey… and ginger ale it was. And peanuts. Back before airlines were afraid to give out peanuts. Luckily Southwest isn’t scared… and they still give out peanuts. GO SOUTHWEST.

·      Missing Ryan…………. I miss my Ryan……..

* Ok it’s midnight. And we MUST be going over this bad weather in Baltimore because the turbulence is really bothersome. My stomach is hurting a lot… my anxiety causes my IBS to act up and then I am nothing but a worrisome panicky ball of stomach pains. It’s just churning.

I have tried methods to calm down.

I have started doing breathing exercises.

I have tried to listen to soothing music

I have prayed.

And now I am writing.

There’s a woman a few rows in front of me with a baby. How in the world do people travel with babies??? And how in the world will I ever be able to calm a child down when I am a nervous wreck myself?

Ok. The next step for this must be…. To lay down. I have three seats. I can try this.

And here we go……….

Free falling.

If you didn't realize yet... April is over.
And that obviously means I survived it.

I survived April 22 for the second year in a row.


Thank goodness it was a Sunday so I didn't have to worry about taking off work.
My dad came over.
We took Lily to the dog park.
I made dinner.
It was a really relaxing day.


And on that day I decided to also clean out our DVD library.
I am transferring all the DVDs to a simple DVD holder. No more cases and ugly shelves from Ikea... half broken and tilted in various directions.
And I came across this little gem I haven't seen in years!!!!
It's John skydiving DVD!
Watching the DVD brought life back to John. Hearing him speak. Watching him laugh. Seeing even just his facial expressions... made him feel close again. The man I once knew. Talking, smiling, and laughing.

I decided to share it with everyone else too.
So, here it is:

John Skydiving :)


<3

the dresses.

Yesterday, as I was getting ready for a wedding, I had set aside a dress I knew I would be wearing that evening...
but, just for fun, I tried on a couple older dresses...
and it was a bit of a wake up call.

Since John passed I have gained about 20 pounds. Although none of my friends will admit I look bigger ... it's clearly evident when I can't zip up any dresses I was able to wear over a year ago. In fact, Ryan broke one of the zippers when trying to zip me up. I ended up wearing a dress where I felt completely uncomfortable all night and I felt like my boobs were spilling out of the top constantly. It's uncomfortable being fat.
Besides the fat thing the dresses in my closet had a second fault. They taunted me. And one in particular haunted me.
they were all reminders of past events.
Most of celebration.
and one not so much.
These dresses had been with me in moments shared with John. They each had a story to them... and yet, part of me realized... it was time to refresh the wardrobe.
I guess it was part anger.
Part depression.
Part willpower.
Part courage.

It was something... something that made me put the dresses in the back seat of my car and drive to a local consignment shop. I handed over the dresses and the lady looked at each one thoughtfully. each time she had nothing but nice comments to say "oh, this one is nice..." "oh i like this.. " "you have nice taste."
And then it started.
The hot feeling in the face.
The rush of wet.
My eyes flooding.
I was crying over these pieces of material.

The first was a black dress from express. size 8. ha!!!!!!!
**CRIES**
It was a "little black dress."
My most memorable moment in this dress was probably for Holly's birthday. I remember we were in city walk and holly had gotten a lot of gifts. It was then that John, being the gentleman he always was, took ALL of her gifts and brought them back to the car for her... which was quite a hike to the parking garage. I remember there was a vase of flowers he had to carry and he looked so cute holding them with the balloons. You could tell he was doing it to be polite but in a way he may have had regret once he had the vase of flowers in his hand...

Next dress...

I wore this dress to my friend Danielle's wedding. It was BCBG... my favorite designer. Most of my dresses came from that designer. This was the same wedding where i had caught the bouquet and John made a point to catch the garter since last time he had to watch some random guy put it on my leg. He vowed that would never happen again. And it never did. He got to put it on my leg that night... with his teeth... and boy did we milk it. The DJ was nervous we didn't know each other. It was a good memory in a nice springy dress.

Dress #3 also was worn at a few weddings... and was my most favorite dress of all...

It was most famously worn to John's brother's wedding. (seen here in this picture I absolutely ADORE of us).

It was a perfect "autumn" dress... complete with leaves on the bottom.

Beautiful browns... perfect cut... for my then body.

My body now wouldn't be able to squeeze half a boob in it. So, to the consignment it goes. 

I wore that dress to couple other weddings as well... but my favorite of all is Billy and Liz's. Its a wedding that I don't think many others can compare to. Although I swore up and down that mine would have... me and john wanted it to at least match the standard that Billy and Liz had set up. It was the ultimate Seay wedding.

Dress #4 is older.

It's another simple black dress that I had bought for a very special occassion.

It was the dress I wore to my college graduation. It's a bit of a risque dress now that I think about it.. it had a plunge neckline and showed a great deal of cleavage. I didn't mind at the time because:

1) I was being covered my a huge graduation gown

2) I had a great rack then!

But it's one of those dresses that I had to move on from... both because of not fitting it and not knowing when I would be able to "show off the ladies" like that ever again in my late 20's. ew.

Dress #5... the one that brought me to tears.

In my final photo with John ever taken I am wearing this dress. We were on our way to an event for the Orlando Philharmonic... 

I remember how excited I was to go to this event. How i got to show off my new accessory... MY ENGAGEMENT RING! How we got to be introduced as each other's fiance. I remember so much that night. I remember the excitement of being dressed up and going to a formal event. It was like we truly felt like we fit in for a change. We both felt so mature... the evening felt very right. The wine was endless and the food was fantastic. I remember sneaking in to grab a dessert before everyone and how John laughed about it... and how we almost kept falling into this pond with stones for steps. I remember walking in the back garden and holding hands. I remember this night.... and so does that dress.

The last dress I knew I would never wear again.

I am leaving out the picture although I have posted one before.

It was the dress I wore to John's funeral.

It was picked out for me by my friends. 

The time in my life where people made decisions for me because I honestly couldn't take care of myself nor did I care to.

But i knew this dress would have to be special. Because it was the last thing I would wear "for John." It was black and lacey. And honestly I felt like it was made for a funeral. I can't imagine ever trying to wear it again. It would be almost morbid.

So, I am glad to see it go.

But, so sad that I had to wear it for such an occassion. 

It's hard to imagine i let it sit there in my closet and haunt me. And when I touched it I am touching a moment in time where my life had gone to complete black... as black as the color of this dress itself.

Leaving these dresses at the consignment shop may be something I regret later.

Ok, I regretted it as soon as I drove away.

And it sounds like I am giving up...

like I know I will never be that size again or that I am letting go of memories. 

But, I'm not to both.

I am determined to lose weight and fit into those sizes again. I just think it's fitting in my life to get new dresses for new memories. And I could never let go of these amazing memories... that each dress carried with them. Perhaps the person that buys these dresses will have some amazing memories in them too. I pray no one has to wear one to a funeral. 

I just kind of had this urge.

This feeling inside.

To make some extra room in my closet.

to match the extra room i am making in my heart.

the broken tea pot.

Last night I was sitting on the couch and Ryan was making dinner in the kitchen. I love when he makes dinner. It doesn't happen often and so it's a real treat when I don't have to cook. As much as I love cooking it's nice to let my mind just take a break. It's the planning of meals that gets to me more than it is the cooking of them.

So... I am watching tv, painting my toe nails, checking my email... when I hear some commotion in the kitchen.

Ryan has been in there cleaning for quite a bit...

and then I see him. working frantically and tears in his eyes. 

I ask him what's wrong and he tells me he broke the lid to my teapot.

Most men wouldn't be this upset about a teapot lid. Or expect someone to be upset about the teapot lid.

But Ryan knew about this teapot.

It was an anniversary gift from John. For our 4th year anniversary.

And he had been in the kitchen trying to super glue it back together and finally came to a point where the pieces wouldn't fit... and confessed what happened. 

And he was torn up about it.

It touched my heart.

I felt bad for Ryan... who only means to make me happy in this life. He's sensitive to things that were once mine and John's... or even John's. 

One time he borrowed one of John's hoodies before we went out because he couldn't find one of his. He looked up and spoke outloud "thanks, John."

I was very touched when he did that.

Ryan truly respects the love I have for John. 

The love we had once together.

And the memory of John.

So, he was crushed when he broke the tea pot.

And at first I really didn't seem to beat up about it.

I mean, after losing a person ... a tea pot just isn't really that big of a deal. 

Later that night Ryan kept bringing it up and how sorry he was... and then it began to sink in more.

Slowly, with time... John's things will start to diminish.

Gifts will be broken,

Things will get lost.

Items will be replaced.

I fear eventually I will have nothing to remember him by.

Except for my blotchy memory.

Ya know, that's another shitty thing about grief.

You lost the person you love and your mind is so torn up you start to lose focus of the memories. The one thing you have left of that person and your mind won't even cooperate. You forget the things you said "I will never forget this!" Then one day something will trigger the memory and you will either cry about it in the middle of wherever you are... or, in my case, go home and blog about it so you never forget. 

The point is...  as time goes on... the thing of this world will disappear. so, I am going to do everything I can to keep a hold of what I have left of John... the amazing memories we made together. 

The photos I have of the day when I got my tea pot...

As for now... I still have a good amount of physical objects for memories sake.

Including weird things. Like his bag of dirty clothes I can't seem to wash. And his deodorant. His toothbrush... his cologne.... 

These are things I can't quite separate from right now.

I don't have a shrine or anything.. they are stored in a private place. But, i am not quite at the point yet where I can give them up. 

As for the tea pot... I think it still has a place in my kitchen... with the chipped/superglued lid. 

Memory Boxes

When me and John started getting serious in our relationship I decided it was time to start a "memory box" to place all the many memories we would have somewhere... and not forget. To be able to look back on them. We occasionally did. Not often.

After John's death I had to buy a new box. A larger box to hold on to all his sentimental things. I bought it a week after he died. It is black. It looks like a box you wouldn't want to open. Our other box has palm trees on it. Way much happier box.

The boxes sit in my closet. I have 3. One is from our earlier relationship, one is from our Europe trip, and one is was made after his death. Sometimes, when I feel the need to grieve, I will take out a box and place it on my bed. I open it and slowly take out items one at a time. I grieve over each item individually. Some items, like his glasses, I touch and smell... to try and feel closer to him. I had him wear his glasses at the viewing... and took them back after everyone left. I was the last person to say goodbye to him there. I was in the parlor alone and I kissed his cold cheek... and gently slid the glasses off his face. They will be mine to keep forever. I was the one who pleaded for him to get them. And sadly it wasn't just because he needed them... i just thought he looked so cute in them that he had to have a pair!! Of course, we got these really sleek looking Oakleys. When he put them on it was like he turned into a different person. "professional John" I loved it.

I am sure many people at the viewing didn't know John with glasses.

I am sure it was weird to see him with them on.

But, it's how I wanted to remember him. My handsome John.

The box holds much more than glasses..... let me share...

The newest memory box... purchased right after John's death. To hold our memories.

A smaller memory box inside. Bought by my school after John died.

John's silver DCI medal. The year Phantom won drums.

John's glasses. I took them after the viewing... he always looked so handsome in them.

John wrote me this note before he left for work on Valentine's Day. The night before we stayed up really late making over 200 valentine cookies for my students. It was quite a project. But we enjoyed it!!!

The staff at Waldorf signed this Congratulations card the day after John proposed to me.

John gave me this Valentine's day card about two years before he actually proposed to me. He knew from the start he wanted to marry me. :)

John's cards were my favorite.

John only bought me Hallmark cards. I don't know why. He considered them more classy? One time he didn't... and he did this. I laughed a lot. He was the funniest.

Read this. It breaks my heart but reminds me how amazingly lucky I was. The last sentence is what gets me.

John's tie bars. I bought him the top one from Tiffanys last Christmas.

John worked with me at Universal for a whole month. He hated it. He worked at Spiderman... it was hilarious. It was nice getting off together and talking about how our days went. My favorite story was when he danced for MC Hammer... hahahahahaha

John's Phantom Regiment dog tags.

John's mom bought us this picture frame the day he died. Just the beginning.... of the end....

Evan and I went to a bridal show. Being engaged was so enchanting... and I only got to experience it for 17 days.

Those are just a few of the memories in the box.... in one box. There isn't a box large enough in the world to hold all the moments we shared together.

ilymtli

Halloween

I didn’t start celebrating Halloween until I was in college… I know, a lot of catching up to do.

My first Halloween celebrations started in Cawthon... decorating the hallway with giant spiders and cobwebs and making scary haunted houses for local children to be scarred for life by.

And when Andrea, me and Kelly threw our first big Halloween party at our house on Chapel Hill in Tallassee… we wanted it to be spectacular. And it turned out to be an amazing party. Minus the dry ice that Andrea and Kelly put in the freezer and it magically disappeared. Lol. It was to be used for our famous “witches brew.” That was the year I decided to be a sexy candy corn witch. And I have to admit I looked cute. And this was the beginning of John’s obsession with the banana costume. The previous years he has been in a scream costume with the bass line as well as a dinosaur. Did I mention Dr. Dunnigan had strict rules about costumes at practice on Halloween? That would be my John. Big 8 humor. Not following rules. Gotta love them….
So, sexy witch and banana man. Which was cool… until John decided to be the banana for the next 4 years… I remember we had a bonfire the first year and the costume was still stained with ash and soot from the fire. But, he kept wearing it. There was a time I as tempted to throw it away (kind of like what I did with any of his sandals or shoes that started to smell really bad). But, I kept it. And then at one party John tried to go to the bathroom with the costume on and accidently peed on it. And that was the end of that.
We did switch it up one time. John used his famous dinosaur costume… which he borrowed from his dad. I remember taking a picture of him with my cell phone when he showed up to chiefs practice with it once. I don’t even know if we were dating then but it was definitely a “no-no” in chiefs. No costumes to practice. Lame, I know.
Our final Halloween together was last year. John came as the Count from Sesame Street. James and Matthew were train conductors and they had trains and everything. It was a big deal. Their first real Halloween. We celebrated by taking the twins out for their first trick or treat and having a party at the house. I was out of ideas and came as a “snuggie.” So creative. Metallica, the basset hound, was yoda. ( I did pull out the ol’ candy corn witch sexy costume and was a bit depressed when I noticed it had “shrunk” a bit since college. I still have it though. Leggings and all. Waiting for me to take a sexy shape once again someday. Yeah right.)

There was something so priceless about watching John walk around and trick or treat with his nephews last year. He wasn’t afraid to be a kid with them. He was perfectly fine with being a goofy uncle. Just the way that all uncles should be. And I was perfectly fine at being a doting aunt. And as I watched him hold hands with the boys and walk down the sidewalk… I saw visions of a future with our own children.
So, this Halloween I won’t be dressing up. I won’t be passing out candy. I will, however, be playing with beluga whales. Thank you Lauren Stone. My weekend will have it’s silver lining after all. After I get to touch and kiss my favorite animal in the world!! I know I can't fool myself. This weekend is tough. There's more than just memories of dressing up in costumes to think about this weekend...

Things could have been different this year.

This Halloween I would have been coming out as Mrs. Seay.

For the first full day as a wife.

To the cutest dinosaur, banana and count.....

Writing Prompts

The last time I went to my counselor she gave me a piece of paper. It's a paper to help with journaling as a means of grieving. Obviously my blog is serving that purpose but I thought tonight I would use the prompts to assist me in ideas I wanted to share. The paper has "prompts" to get your writing started. I know I usually don't need help in this area but perhaps these prompts will bring up something new... something I haven's discussed yet. Lets be honest. There are thousands of things I have yet to discuss.... but this is a step in that direction.

Prompts talking directly to John:

1) A special memory I have about you...
Oh my goodness, where to even start here? There are so many. So many stories to share. You were part of my life for such a long time.... and our stories were endless. I guess if I can pick one it would be the time you surprised me with the limo at the airport. I remember how hard you were trying to "woo" me back then. How much you wanted to impress me and make me happy. You were so excited. You got me for sure. You were so proud of yourself. One of my favorite pictures of you is when you are standing outside the limo laughing at my face. I was completely overwhelmed.... all my friends were inside waiting for me. It was a night I will never forget. I also won't forget that hickey on your neck. Whenever I used to leave for long weekends in drum corps I would give you one. You hated it. It was like a "he's mine" stamp. I can't believe I used to do that. But, I think secretly you liked it too :)

2) What I miss the most about you and our relationship...
There are so many things I miss, John. I miss you holding my hand in the car. I miss snuggling you every night in bed. I miss you calling me everyday at lunchtime at school. I miss your emails from work that we tried to make look "professional." I miss your contagious laugh. I miss the little hairs between your eyebrows that I would pluck out. lol. I miss your butt. I miss your sweat and your smell. I miss your obsession with sunsets and with Bulgari cologne. I miss you saying "boobies" and your "mr. whiskers" impression. I miss how you understood me completely and how you never forgot to tell me how beautiful you thought I was. I miss how excited we were about marriage and I miss our planning for the future. I miss how you knew all of my flaws and still loved me and I miss doing the same for you. I miss your lips. I miss your gentle kissing and you massaging me almost every night even though you complained every time. I miss washing your laundry. I miss watching you dress for work and trying to convince you to stay home. I miss watching TV with you or going out to the movies with you. I miss making bets. I miss gambling with you. I miss watching you play with Metallica and sneaking him extra treats. I miss you rambling on and on about work even though half the time I wouldn't pay attention. I miss you drumming at the table or in the car. I miss you carrying me to bed when I fell asleep on the couch. I miss playing video games with you and I miss the fact that you loved that I loved video games. I miss running my fingers through your curly hair and I miss laying my head on your chest at night and hearing that beautiful heartbeat.


3) What I wish I'd said or hadn't said....
I wish that I hadn't been so hard on you about TCI. I know you loved it. And I didn't always mean to be so selfish about your time. But, I just wanted to always be with you. And I felt threatened by them... I felt like it was taking you away from me.

4) What I'd like to ask you...
Do you miss me, John? Do you think of me? Does it hurt you to see me cry? Do you want to comfort me? Do you watch me daily and are you proud of me? When we meet again will you still love me? Why didn't we just get married sooner? Why did this happen to you? Were you holding something back? Were you in pain? Do you wish I had been there so you weren't alone? Are you upset that I was the one to find you? Is Zion in heaven with you? Have you met my grandmother? She is a doll. What should I do now that you are gone?

5) What I wish we had done or hadn't done....
I wish we would have gotten married sooner and I wish we would have gotten pregnant. We were always so careful. Why couldn't we have been irresponsible? I wish there would have been a child created by both of us. With your "romantic" nose and my big eyes. It would have been a beautiful baby, John. I wish we would have spent our last holidays together. I wish Waldorf hadn't have made you work on Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. It was completely unfair.

6) What I have had the hardest time dealing with...
The nights. Being alone at night and having that empty spot in the bed with me. Also, my ring. The questions I get about it. The compliments. It brings up what I am missing everytime... and that is you. You shouldn't be gone. I am upset you didn't get to live a full life. You didn't get to pass on your genes and I didn't get to become a Seay. I am restarting my life without you. It just isn't fair. For both of us.

7)Ways in which you will continue to live on in me...
I will ALWAYS be in love with you. Always. Whether I find someone else someday or not. It will be a marriage between two people. Because I can't fall out of love with you. I am attached to your sould forever. I also have my necklace with your ashes I wear everyday and your engagement ring which you were so proud of. I will never let go of these items. Ever. I will always stay connected to your family, our family, John. I will always love them and want to be part of their lives as long as they want to be part of mine. I will always stay connected to your friends. And I will tell your story forever.

sharing memories

Stories.
When I see people now... they have started opening up and telling me their John stories. I love them. even if they make me cry. which is why people sometimes keep them from me... because they don't want to see me get all worked up. but, it's going to happen one way or another. i get to hear stories from a different perspective. I find them all intriguing... peaking into the part of John's life i wasn't there to experience. (which was very rare. let's be honest)
Yesterday I stopped by the Waldorf to say hello. I found it harder to do than before. I think because I had a bad panic attack last time I was there my body wanted to avoid the situation completely. (this is what happens to people who get panic attacks. i.e.: if you have a panic attack in a train... you might never want to ride a train again thinking it will trigger it again.)
But, i went. i drove down the winding road of Bonnet Creek. The road I rode down many times with John in the cadillac. the first time we went was before the hotel was opened. John just found out he had been hired and we wanted to check it out. we got so far before a security guard turned us away. but he was so excited. he had FINALLY gotten a job. This had been such a long process and he had gone through a few "joke" jobs before he got this one. sales jobs. trying to sell direct TV in Best Buy or even better.... selling windshields at local gas stations. just a lot of stinker jobs. so, landing Waldorf.. .. was inspiring for him. He had big plans in his head. He honestly thought within a few years he could make his way to the top. And he was determined to do so. I supported him completely when he landed the job. Even though he was a bellman... it didn't last. They saw his determination and put him in a front desk position. A drummer. A guy with NO hospitality experience at all. He was working next to Hospitality majors and people working in the business for years. and that just shows his drive. and his passion for working for PEOPLE. how he connected with people. how they were drawn into him.

so, going to the waldorf... sends a wave of emotions and memories back my way.
and as I parked... er... got valet.... i started to get nervous. would people still remember me? would they want to talk to me? would they be too busy for me? would i remember everyone?
but of course... I was remembered and greeted with open arms. i talked to everyone at the front desk for awhile and of course i got the "how are you?" question out of the way first. my answer is still "ok." or even "fine" sometimes. I actually said "good" to someone the other day and regretted it. I felt like a big liar.
The girls and I went to peacock alley (a lounge) for a drink. I sat down and then BOOM. It was memory overload. All my John memories flooded my head. And the creepy feeling touched my skin and waved down my spine that he was gone. something that was beginning to numb. i can't possibly still be in the denial stage, can I?
Georgie (one of John's supervisors...) came down to sit with us. I had not seen her since John's passing because she was overseas right after his passing. She sat and chatted with us and shared her memories.
One of the memories she shared was when the family came for Christmas Eve dinner and John had to work (John worked EVERY holiday. i HATED it. I held a major grudge at the Waldorf for doing it too. He had to work on Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Years, Easter... and even on his birthday. ugh. i still get kind of mad thinking about it. like those are now missed memories. but. it's over now.)
So...Georgie's memory.. she said when we all walked in for Christmas Eve dinner John was behind the front desk. She mentioned how his eyes lit up when I walked through the door. I was wear a white and black dress with red high heels. (for Christmas, after all). He talked to Georgie about my shoes and how he couldn't get over that I was wearing them. Georgie's recall wasn't so good on what he said but she said he kept talking about them.
I was tearing up.
John took notice on what I was wearing.
When I had gotten dressed up for dinner that evening... i was dressing for him. i always dressed for him. I wanted him to notice me. to still think i was beautiful/sexy.... whatever made him love me (which he admits were my short shorts in college marching band and my bubble butt!)... and it worked. He noticed me and actually talked to someone about it.
i cried. and Georgie felt bad. the crying is going to happen no matter what. i'll take my chances. i want to hear all the stories i can get. i need to.

Then I got to see John's memory wall in person. It's great. It really is touching. I read all the notes on there that people left each other. I think I want to do an appreciation wall with my students next year in my band room. leave notes for the students and let them leave notes for each other. that way the older kids can encourage the younger ones/etc.

I cried some more leaving. I didn't drive. Waldorf may always bring back these feelings for me. But, like I said before... it's an exposure. THat i need to go through. that has to happen. and if I cry everytime... well, whatever. I am not going to lose contact with such nice, caring people who care a lot about John and a lot about me.


I have nothing planned out today. Which means it might be a job hunting kind of day for the girls. They are getting so frustrated already. It adds an extra sadness to my heart. to watch them struggle for jobs. i am so lucky to still have mine. i almost feel like i dont deserve after abandoning it the last weeks of school. which actually probably mentally was the best decision I ever made. wait. i dont even think i made the decision. it was made for me by others.
so, the girls need jobs. the job markets SUCKS. of course. i feel like people aren't making the same efforts they were before to try and help. and it may just be that I am becoming just as impatient as andrea and kelly are. i want security for all three of us. i want to feel like we have something settled and figured out. when i saw them coming out of the audition room for HHN i had an insane ammount of butterflies in my stomach. i wanted them to have jobs SO BAD. even a seasonal job for two months. something to lift their spirits and mine too. And so when they made it I was relieved.
then we auditioned for Disney yesterday. all of us got cut. downer. but, that's Disney. I wasn't expecting too much from them. and it's competitive... character stuff.
I just want to feel a small weight come off my shoulders. Here I am. the one with the job and I still feel like i am waiting to exhale. i am waiting for something to happen so we can take a step in a new direction. a small one. a baby step. and i can't promise i won't look back. because i will.

...now what was I doing?

I can't believe how SHITTY my memory is now.
I mean, I knew this would be a side effect. One of my widow books explained this is very common... not just for widows... but for anyone that has lost something/someone important to them. I mean, it's depression.
And it's funny too because last night me, Andrea and Kelly were watching the History Channel special called "America." (which we are so addicted to and LOVE) and I was calling out dates and events left and right. I remembered all this stuff I never thought I would remember about America's history. But, when it comes to my own life... forget it. literally. At first it was a little annoying. But now I get mad. pissed even. WHY CAN'T I REMEMBER SOMEONE'S NAME THAT JUST INTRODUCED THEMSELVES TO ME? When people call and say "can I have lunch with you tomorrow..." and I say yes back... if I don't write it down IMMEDIATELY in my phone this meeting WILL NOT happen.
Sometimes I will think of something I need to do... like, go get a drink of water.... and I will walk to the kitchen and just stare at it. Then I will walk to the hallway. Then back to the kitchen. I will open drawers and cabinets and then go back upstairs. Then once I am upstairs I will be like "damn it!! I needed water."
it.is.ridiculous.

yesterday i went with andrea and kelly to their audition for Halloween Horror Nights. I was going to try and audition with them but glad i didn't. I don't know if I could handle that right now. usually i get excited for it every year. but i dont want to go to a house with anything with dead bodies. which is like every house. so, i might go and see Bill and Teds and that's it for me. Anyway, the audition started at 5:30. We got out at 12:30AM. That's right. We got home at 1am and I had to get up early to turn in some paperwork for school. So, it's too late to take my Ambien. I couldn't sleep until 4am. So, it's back to ambien for me. Poor Kelly. She stayed up with me rubbing my back, massaging my hands, talking to me...
my head was reeling.
it doesn't stop. especially at night in the dark. especially when I am alone. some of my worst moments are in cars. when I drive my car alone I will put on my music... and i will turn it up ridiculously loud and sing along until eventually i am sing-crying. then it's just crying. then it's praying outloud or talking to to john. but like I have said before. i have a hard time forming sentences when i start talking to John. it's blurts. "baby" "i love you" "i miss you" "why..." "remember me..." "i don't know what to do."
i wait for signs. I wait for something magical to happen. i search for a symbol that John is listening. that he is comforting me. but the only signs i get on I4 are bad drivers slamming on their brakes.

yesterday at the auditions a woman in line asked me when my wedding was. I was stunned. I was NOT expecting this question. I haven't gotten it yet since John died. So, I just sat and stared at her. Andrea and Kelly also stared. There were awkward smiles. the kind you make when things are awkward. and we felt bad for this woman. who asked. but andrea and kelly told her the situation. and she was completely embarassed and it got awkward. she walked away. eventually we talked to her again later that night. but this is just one of the many awkward moments I am going to have for the rest of my life. i guess I ask for it when i wear my ring. and when people ask they expect me to beam and yell out a date and giggle contagiously.
yay yay yay!

but, i am not taking it off to avoid the occassional awkward question.
because wearing it reminds me of the devotion John had to me. the promise he had given to me.
17 days. that was as long as we were engaged. but it had felt longer. maybe because i felt like we had been engaged for much longer... just without a ring. living together since day 1. being by each other's side constantly.

By the way: Andrea and Kelly made the gig at Universal. their first official job here in Orlando. a seasonal job. 2 months. but, it's something. so, I am happy for them. and this is a start. this is SOMETHING. And a small glimmer of hope for them and for me. a little security in this trying time.
i cant believe I typed the word trying.
trying? really?
(sigh)
even I can't figure out how to label my life. it's literally turned upside down. I am hanging on just barely. What adjectives can I possibly use to describe this hell I have to bare?
shitty.
just plain shitty.

memory box past and present

Today I sorted through a pile of cards I have received since John's death.
I was putting them away into a new memory box I bought today. This memory box is big, black and is going to be filled with the saddest memories of my life. I have decided NOT to throw away any of the cards. Because on days when I feel helpless and alone I will need to open the box and read their words of encouragement. But, going through the cards... and re-reading them... hurt. It brought everything back to the surface. I was amazed at some of the names on the cards... people I had forgotten sent them. Some were sent to me when I was still in a daze. I would open them those first two weeks and throw them on the pile of other ones. Cards with flowers and peaceful scenes with sunsets and trees and clouds and birds and dragonflies. Cards with neutral colors. Cards written in black ink and filled with words of hope... although I know those who wrote them feel completely helpless. And I know there is nothing they can say to bring John back to me. Because if there was. I would have been the FIRST to make it happen.

John and I used to have happy memory boxes. Filled with movie tickets stubs, programs from shows, concert stubs, holiday cards we gave each other, etc. It's those boxes I am dreading finding when we unpack on the 24th. But I will open it. I will go through each memory and I will cry for each of them. The memories I had. That I will never have again. At least with John.

Eventually I will get a chest. In this chest I can store all of John's items I feel the need to hang on to. His dirty clothes, his sweaters and jackets, his hats, his slippers, his glasses, his cologne...

I gave Evan, my best friend a memory box for Valentines Day a couple years ago. I should start one with Kelly and Andrea. A happy one filled with happy memories. Its something I recommend for everyone to have. It keeps those memories tucked away safely in a place where one day you can retrieve them and open the box to smile again. When you really need them. Or when you just want to laugh. At the silly things you keep. That two years ago you thought were important.

My weirdest item in my memory box?
Would be the little oxygen mask the EMT gave me after I had my first panic attack in 2007. We were in John's car. He was taking me to my first tennis lesson (he bought them for me for Valentine's day) and I got a phone call from my supervisor saying how he was disappointed in me and my internship (in the end it was a misunderstanding) but for me... it was critical. It was my life. It was my future. And I lost it. It started out crying and ended up a full blown panic attack. I didn't know what to do my heart rate was around 190... I was sweating profusely and my hands and joints got stiff and rigid. John freaked out and called 911 and pulled the car over. The ambulance have me oxygen and let me keep the mask to keep breathing into.
It was a scary situation for both of us. But for some reason I kept the mask. I tucked it inside the box. It was a memory after all.
From then on out... John handled all the panic attacks. He knew how to talk me through them, calm me down, get me to breathe....
There were two times when he wasn't there to help.
Both were in the summer when he was off in drum corps.
Now I am back to not having John help me.
I have little yellow pills.
I rather have the natural remedy. The John remedy.
Never would I have ever imagined that it would be John in the end... that gave me the most panic and anxiety in my life. The once only person that gave me calm... now gives me strife.
I can admit the medicine helps.
I can admit that Andrea and Kelly are being very helpful.
I can admit that I would trade everything for John.
this is a given.

things around me.

I am back to living in my room at John's parents house. Our room. Me and John. Now, for another two weeks or so... it belongs to me, Andrea and Kelly. The girls stuff is scattered about the room. But, the room is still very much mine and John's.
I have been slowly going through things already. I have found a select few video games I am sending to his brother in NYC. That's a big way they connected.... through video games. Whenever we had family functions we would sit around and chat about games that were out and games that were coming out. I always felt special because I could chime in because I love video games too (a quality John LOVED about me). When Billy moved to NYC we found the best way to connect was through Playstation chat. It was a lot of fun for us. Once we opened a three way chat. It was a fiasco though. Everyone's speakers kept echoing and we had to repeat everything we wanted to say. But it was fun. There we were in each other's living rooms. Miles away and laughing it up... talking... smiling at each other through a TV screen.
Sometimes John would start a chat without me knowing and I would run quickly to go put on some pants or decent clothes. He always had that sort of timing. It was funny in the end.


And then in the room are notes, letters, and cards. Everyone expessing their sympathy.
Should I save these?
Will I ever read them again?
Do I want to read them again?
I have some that mean a lot to me... some that say the sweetest things... some where people share their special memories of John. Should I only save those?

And then there is a pile of books. It started small. A couple books I bought with Evan a week or so after John died. So I could read up on grieving and widowhood.
Then books came in the mail. Books were handed to me by others. I bought more... thinking I would find the time to read them. I have tried. I have finished one widow book which I will hand off to my friend Andi tomorrow. I have also started reading a book called "When Life is Hard." I started it today.
I have 10 books to read.
I will try and read through at least once a week. If you know anything I am a FAST READER. In fact, I have read a full book lately. I read the new novella by Stephanie Meyer about Bree Tanner. I bought it in NY and read it in one day. It wasn't a grief book though. It was an "escape" book. One that I could dive into and not have to feel sadness or lonliness or dive deep into my interal thoughts and feelings on life and love.
So, I guess I should mix it up. Heavy stuff books mixed with a bit of escape books. But I don't have anymore escape books. I am thinking about perhaps re-reading Breaking Dawn but I think it's being borrowed. Any ideas for a good "escape" book?

In the bathroom is John's cologne. I smell it everyday. I spray his favorite one on Waldy, the peacock. If you don't know... Waldy was a gift from the Waldorf Astoria to me. It was their "mascot." There was only one. They gave him to me with a picture of John holding him. So, Waldy is who I sleep with at night. Along with one of the girls. And he smells like John. Who smelled like Bulgari.

There's the P90X video I bought John for his birthday.
We did it twice before sort of giving up. We didn't even make it through the full second day of it. John said we would "work up to it." Honestly, it kicked out asses. But we really wanted to get in shape for the wedding. I wish I would have given him something more meaningful for his birthday. But I guess telling him "yes" was a good gift. I mean... he did lean over to me at dinner and say "you're the best birthday present ever."
And he was the best gift in my life ever. A precious gift.


Sometimes I think about what I am going to do with all this stuff.
What do I keep? What do I not keep? What stays? What goes? Am I weird for keeping certain things? Like his toothbrush. I still have that.
I also was keeping a water bottle he had been drinking out of... and finally threw it away the other day.
There is a huge bag of drum sticks which I am going to most likely use at my school and donate to some of the high schools. I want his drum pads to go to his friends. One is going to Tim.
My dad called today and asked for John's knives. Of course they will go to him since he bought them all for John. John's Kabar. I mean what was he ever going to do with a Marine KaBar?! But he wanted it. and my dad got him one. And he kept it close when we lived in our apartment. I guess if someone intruded he planned on stabbing them with a huge, sharp KaBar.

When we move in a couple weeks things are going to be tough. I will be unwrapping memories I have totally forgot about. And then I will have to make decisions on "stuff" again.

I am so glad his parents have allowed me to be in charge of John's things. I know there are things that people will want. And I am not about hoarding it all to myself. I know that everyone needs something. But if I could ask for one thing. easy. I would like John. Can I please have that back?