He's a keeper!

Once again my blog is taking the back seat. And it's not like I want it to. I really do want to share and write down all the things that have been happening in my life... it's just also because of my new chapter in my life that I have decided to give it a bigger focus. But I really feel like it's important to share this part. Because it proves a point. It proves that you can find happiness and love again. It is out there. For all of you skeptics. And for those of you who have never found it at all. I have found that.

again.

In a few minutes it will be April.

The month I have dreaded.

The month I never thought would come again and the month I swore I would never make it through.

But, without expecting this... I have someone to hold my hand through it... literally hold my hand and tell me it's ok. A man. A man who hasn't run away from this. Who embraces it.. because it makes me who I am. Crazy and all i guess.

I am not saying April will be easy. at all.

I just know for certain it will be easier.

And through these past few weeks I am VERY certain this is true.

Because through dating Ryan I have realized what an amazing person he is. What a strong heart he has and what a sweet soul he has as well.

Yesterday was a big step.

Ryan got to meet my other parents.

Ryan got to meet John's parents.

I know this situation may seem odd for some people. Especially for those who have had a bad relationship with the in-laws after losing their loved one. I get that. You really couldn't care less to introduce your future beaus. You couldn't give a damn what their opinions were or even if they ever knew. This is NOT the case with John's parents and family. Because they are VERY much still my family.. and will always be. (as i have stated before many times).

I asked Ryan if he was ready.... and he was.

John's dad had wanted me to come over and finish sorting out John's things before the 5th of April (John's birthday).

I knew having ryan come with me would be a good thing.

It was refreshing to go back to the Seay house... it's been awhile since I was there. It was a different feeling walking in holding the hand of someone else. But, it wasn't a bad feeling. just different. Ryan met Jim, Sarah, Annie, Edgar and the boys. Everyone was very receptive... even the boys were clinging to his legs once they got comfortable. They did ask me once "is this your dad?" I laughed and said no. "Mr. Tim is my dad."

"who is this?"

oh dear. what do you tell 3 year olds??

"this is ryan."

ok, that was easy.

no need for a big explanation here.... 3 year olds just want a concrete answer anyway. details can be explained later.

Ryan and Jim sat in the living room and chatted.

Then the three of us sat in the kitchen and chatted.

Then we went upstairs... oh boy.

We entered the room which was once mine and John's room. I pointed this out to Ryan... showing him where I slept and pointing out John's Phantom Regiment frame on the wall. He looked it over... actually very interested in everything....

i am sure that this is his way of getting to know John better. to understand the man who loved me before.

Then Jim sat me down and showed me the final things needed to be sorted out of John's... ties, drum keys, little trinkets....

and then the box.

which held all of John's personal items from his wallet and car.

The box we all hated to go through.

Jim left the room for this part. It was hard enough as it was... and he had already began to cry... in front of me and ryan. I was nervous. How would Ryan react??? He sat there silently and rubbed my back. I almost felt as if he wanted to reach out to Jim too. But the moment passed... and I was relieved it did.

I sorted through the box with ryan by my side. He held me close and rubbed my back as I shuffled through John's credit cards, IDs, pressed pennies and a picture holder... filled all with photos of me. I took each one out and kept them. I offered them to Ryan and he said he felt bad taking them... I guess as if taking them away from John. Which I understand.

I kept a pressed penny that said Braves on it. John's favorite baseball team. Ryan is a yankee and that's ok. I will root for both :)

I kept a piece of paper a fellow employee gave to John stating what a great job he was doing at work.

And everything else I placed back.

John's cards have no more use anymore... and I just know that keeping these cards are not what I need.... especially considering I already have so much other things of his.

I cried while going through all these things.

i cried because this was all that was left.

John's life placed into ziplock bags and tiny boxes. Pieces of him distributed to those who loved him most.

But no John.

Ryan wrapped his arms around me when we were finished.... he held me until I stopped crying and then joined me to walk down the hall to John's parent's room to watch a dvd Jim had made. On our way down the hall I made note of the room where I had found John. I wanted Ryan to know. But he had already figured it out. He asked me if it was the same and I told him no... that it had been changed dramatically.

I also showed him the other quilts I made for John's family.

Then we watched the video of John singing at a 50s party at school. It was hilarious to watch. We were all laughing.

Ryan included.

He doesn't grow tired of hearing John stories, or comforting me when I cry.... he actually loves listening to them.

He is almost inspired.

Today I told him a story of a Valentine's gift John had gotten me and my roommates once and Ryan was like "this is good information to know..."

I make sure Ryan knows that I don't try to compare them. I don't flaunt things like "John did this... and John did that...why don't you?"

It would be very odd if any of these things were replicated.

Now, odd coincidences... yes, those happen. But, those are just what they are. A coincidence.

Ryan's respect for John's place in my life and heart is admirable. He truly is a one of a kind guy.

And John's family realized this immediately.

As we left the house John's dad bragged on how Ryan was so brave to take on two dads and the spirit of my ex fiance.

And he then assured him that all three were pleased to have him in our lives.

This was refreshing and weird.

first, hearing ex fiance was odd. it sounds like we broke up.

second, it does feel like i have extra support both earthly and spiritually looking out for my well being and making sure that I am taken care of.

It was a successful visit.

when i got home I had an email waiting for me from Jim

Subject: Ryan

Message: Is a KEEPER!!!!!

I couldn't agree more :)

I think I will keep him.

ilymtli.

still.

more changes.

I really suck at packing.

I keep getting distracted. For instance. Im writing in my blog.

I HATE packing. I don't know anyone that absolute loves it. But I know for sure I 100% loathe it! And of course.... the situation... doesn't make it one bit easier. This is NOT where I thought I was going to be. I thought the next time I packed up my stuff in boxes was because John and I were going to move into our new house. Packing with John would have made this so much easier. But here I am... packing alone. I have had to make some tough decisions with everything. Still can't decide about clothes and shoes. Im at a loss with those items.

I can't believe this is happening. I can't believe I am packing up and leaving this place behind. I have to close a door. The door I walked merrily into over 5 years ago. I didn't even have a say so in the end. John was taken. I was left behind to figure things out. So far, I haven't gotten too far. I allow others to help guide me on my path. But I have taken the smallest of steps. Someone texted me today and mentioned this move was another baby step. Although I love this person dearly she couldn't be more wrong.
THIS IS A GIANT STEP. A step that terrifies me. Am I really walking anyway? Or floating along?


I made another step yesterday.
It wasn't something I was searching for. It came to me. Which NEVER happens. Except John.
I had to take a hard step yesterday and go to my principal and tell him that I was leaving Walker Middle School. I had been asked by the director of Ocoee Middle School to be her associate director next year. And after thinking about it... and get advice from others... I decided it would be a good choice for me. A direction I needed to take. Not for anyone else but myself. Professionally as well as emotionally. Of course I am going to miss my kids, my awesome administration, my friends I made there, band parents, etc. I will miss it. But part of me was scared about going back. Because everyone knew and I would have to face it everyday. It was a lose/lose situation. They would mention it and I would get upset or they would completely ignore it and I would get upside. Now I get to start somewhere new with someone I like. A team. A support system. And I am actually looking forward to it. I know OMS is a great school and I know that me and Nicolle are going to make a good team. Even if she is a GATOR. :( :)

Now.
Back to packing.
BLAH.

Yesterday I went and had dinner with Lisa and Jeff.
Lisa is the fiance' of one of John's best friend's, Tim.
Jeff was also one of John's closest friends.
The wedding I spoke of before in December... that is Lisa and Tim's wedding. And John was supposed to be in it. A groomsman. And I would have been his wife by then.
The dinner was nice. We all sat around and chatted about our lives. Jeff is about to go on tour with the Blue Man Group for like 9 months. He will com home for the wedding but other than that he will be on the road for awhile. I plan on seeing one of his shows. (mainly the one that goes to Raleigh although I swear I am going to the one in Hawaii too :)
Lisa is planning her wedding. She is actually have her rehearsal dinner at the place we ate, Bahama Breeze.
I would be in this process with her. I would be ahead of her... because I HAD to have a fall wedding. It was mandatory for me. An Autumn wedding for Autumn. John knew my reason. He thought it was silly at first but honestly he just wanted to please me so went along with it. He went along with most things. He always wanted me to be happy. If it made me happy. It was ok with him.
After dinner I gave some of John's things to Jeff. I have done this with a few of John's friends. It hasn't been hard. I don't mind at all. In fact, it makes me feel sort of good. Because I know that if one of my friend's died I would want that stuff too. Stuff that had meaning. I have been trying to find meaningful stuff to pass on. I gave Jeff some drum sticks, a drum, and John's drum corps/marine corps back pack to take with him on tour. That back pack meant probably the most. John loved it. It was heavy duty too. All my drum corps back packs were torn and ragged by the end of tour but this one always looked in great shape.
After Jeff left sat in my car and cried.
I grabbed the bear that Christina gave me and hugged it and cried. And I cried LOUD. No one could hear me. This is the first LOUD crying I have done in some time now. Because with always having people around I try to maintain my crying as much as possible. Even though I do cry everytime. I try and cry with control. But I can only take so much.
Then I decided to go to the mall. To wait on Andrea and Kelly for a movie. Because we needed one.

This is also part of a "vow" we have made with each other.
We have promised that we will do at least 1 fun thing a day forever. And I think so far we have achieved it. Andrea said we aren't allowed to go to sleep until we do. Sometimes it's playing a game together like Andrea's favorite... Bananagrams. Or sometimes it's swimming, or watching our favorite Tv shows together.. or going out for dinner. Last night was movie date.

And being the punctual women they are (not) we had to go to a later show. So, here I am wandering the mall... and all I can think about is "well, atleast I can get my free piece of Godiva chocolate while I am here!" And of course I find out that it is no longer there. oh great now what?

.... medicine is making me dizzy.....



will continue tomorrow.



p.s. i broke my iphone. again. FML

things around me.

I am back to living in my room at John's parents house. Our room. Me and John. Now, for another two weeks or so... it belongs to me, Andrea and Kelly. The girls stuff is scattered about the room. But, the room is still very much mine and John's.
I have been slowly going through things already. I have found a select few video games I am sending to his brother in NYC. That's a big way they connected.... through video games. Whenever we had family functions we would sit around and chat about games that were out and games that were coming out. I always felt special because I could chime in because I love video games too (a quality John LOVED about me). When Billy moved to NYC we found the best way to connect was through Playstation chat. It was a lot of fun for us. Once we opened a three way chat. It was a fiasco though. Everyone's speakers kept echoing and we had to repeat everything we wanted to say. But it was fun. There we were in each other's living rooms. Miles away and laughing it up... talking... smiling at each other through a TV screen.
Sometimes John would start a chat without me knowing and I would run quickly to go put on some pants or decent clothes. He always had that sort of timing. It was funny in the end.


And then in the room are notes, letters, and cards. Everyone expessing their sympathy.
Should I save these?
Will I ever read them again?
Do I want to read them again?
I have some that mean a lot to me... some that say the sweetest things... some where people share their special memories of John. Should I only save those?

And then there is a pile of books. It started small. A couple books I bought with Evan a week or so after John died. So I could read up on grieving and widowhood.
Then books came in the mail. Books were handed to me by others. I bought more... thinking I would find the time to read them. I have tried. I have finished one widow book which I will hand off to my friend Andi tomorrow. I have also started reading a book called "When Life is Hard." I started it today.
I have 10 books to read.
I will try and read through at least once a week. If you know anything I am a FAST READER. In fact, I have read a full book lately. I read the new novella by Stephanie Meyer about Bree Tanner. I bought it in NY and read it in one day. It wasn't a grief book though. It was an "escape" book. One that I could dive into and not have to feel sadness or lonliness or dive deep into my interal thoughts and feelings on life and love.
So, I guess I should mix it up. Heavy stuff books mixed with a bit of escape books. But I don't have anymore escape books. I am thinking about perhaps re-reading Breaking Dawn but I think it's being borrowed. Any ideas for a good "escape" book?

In the bathroom is John's cologne. I smell it everyday. I spray his favorite one on Waldy, the peacock. If you don't know... Waldy was a gift from the Waldorf Astoria to me. It was their "mascot." There was only one. They gave him to me with a picture of John holding him. So, Waldy is who I sleep with at night. Along with one of the girls. And he smells like John. Who smelled like Bulgari.

There's the P90X video I bought John for his birthday.
We did it twice before sort of giving up. We didn't even make it through the full second day of it. John said we would "work up to it." Honestly, it kicked out asses. But we really wanted to get in shape for the wedding. I wish I would have given him something more meaningful for his birthday. But I guess telling him "yes" was a good gift. I mean... he did lean over to me at dinner and say "you're the best birthday present ever."
And he was the best gift in my life ever. A precious gift.


Sometimes I think about what I am going to do with all this stuff.
What do I keep? What do I not keep? What stays? What goes? Am I weird for keeping certain things? Like his toothbrush. I still have that.
I also was keeping a water bottle he had been drinking out of... and finally threw it away the other day.
There is a huge bag of drum sticks which I am going to most likely use at my school and donate to some of the high schools. I want his drum pads to go to his friends. One is going to Tim.
My dad called today and asked for John's knives. Of course they will go to him since he bought them all for John. John's Kabar. I mean what was he ever going to do with a Marine KaBar?! But he wanted it. and my dad got him one. And he kept it close when we lived in our apartment. I guess if someone intruded he planned on stabbing them with a huge, sharp KaBar.

When we move in a couple weeks things are going to be tough. I will be unwrapping memories I have totally forgot about. And then I will have to make decisions on "stuff" again.

I am so glad his parents have allowed me to be in charge of John's things. I know there are things that people will want. And I am not about hoarding it all to myself. I know that everyone needs something. But if I could ask for one thing. easy. I would like John. Can I please have that back?