My heath, dad's health, Ryan's help.

Lets start off with a big THANK YOU JESUS to my dad's recent health news.
A couple of weeks ago my dad passed out on a Friday night at his house... I was told by my Aunt Larue he was out for about 15 minutes. being unconscious for that long is NO GOOD. My other aunt found him and called the ambulance.
Now... keep in mind that this happened on FRIDAY night.
When did Autumn get a phone call????
Sunday night.
My dad waited two days to tell me because he didn't want me freaking out.
i am the delicate flower after all.
everyone is very cautious with me.
and i understand.
i am an emotional volcano ready to explode at any moment.
i am by no means "dormant."
but.
you can't just hold off important information like that from me.
so, not only was I upset because my dad was in the hospital... but i was upset because it was kept from me.

I had to get all my updates from aunts, sisters, and brothers.
dad would never tell me anything directly.
apparently he may have suffered a mini stroke. that's what an aunt had said.. and a sister. but i am still not 100% sure.
he broke some ribs during his fall and had to get stitches in his foot and his finger.
What was supposed to be a couple days turned into ONE WEEK as doctors poked and proded to find out what had happened. Thank GOD everything came back ok.
His heart is fine.
His nervous system is fine.
Just a little high blood pressure... which i would expect from my stress ball of a dad.
And a bit of high cholesterol. which actually was surprising cause he's mr. "nutrition." or at least he comes off that way when he tells me i need to lose weight all the time.

it was such a stressful week for me.

my dad raised me my whole life.
he is IT.
he was the best man in my life until John.
and then until Ryan.
I am his baby girl.
i am his youngest.
he is my daddy.

and the last thing i needed was to lose someone else in my life.
i just know i can't handle it right now.
i just know it will crush me.

and so, I am thankful for the break.
I am thankful my dad is here and healthy and safe.
I really want to hold his arm when I walk down the aisle one day.
whenever that day may be....



and then there's me.
a wreck to say the least.
emotionally more than anything.
my anxiety and depression wears down on me all the time. it keeps me from sleeping, from eating healthy, from enjoying activities... it's a pain in the ass.
So when physical symptoms pose a problem.... i freak out.
I am VERY cautious of feelings of sickness now.
almost to an extreme.
but i do the best i can to eliminate things on my own.
lately i have been having a constricting, tight feeling in my throat.
it reminds me of my freshman year in college where i had trouble in my throat to the point of suffocating... and had to get a shot in my ass at the ER. it was a memorable night for me and the 5 friends that joined me at 2am the night before we left for the sugar bowl with chiefs.
but this time it isn't quite as extreme. i can breathe... but swallowing is a bit of a challenge.
it's on and off.
sometimes i get it and sometimes i don't. BUT IT DRIVES ME CRAZY!!!!
and as much as i try and resist this... i turn to Google and webMD. WORST DECISIONS EVER. They will make you feel like you have the worst illness/disease ever. You will turn off your computer thinking you are dying.
so. i decided i am no expert and went to the doctor last night. just a walk in Urgent care.
After checking out my throat and ears they suggested a GI specialist... cause most likely it's my esophogas. (sp??) awesome.
but.. the doctor just asked if i wanted a steroid shot just in case.
i figured it work in college and it would work again.
wrong.
VERY PAINFUL SHOT.
no help for my throat.

so. now i have a tight throat and a throbbing ass. lovely.
My GI appt. is next week. I will keep you updated. I really hope
Ryan has been a saint during EVERYTHING. He went with me to LW to visit my dad... and didn't judge me for the town i grew up in. come on, lake wales has it's small town charm. i just couldn't ever live there again. ever.
he went back with me for father's dad to see my dad again since he wasn't supposed to be driving. well, supposed to be. obviously he didn't care because i heard through the grapevine he was driving the next day! dad!!!!!!
it was neat... having a three family father's day. it was somewhat like christmas... visiting one family after the next.
i guess i always wanted a big family.
and now i have it.

the morning started off with ryan's family and we had a grill out lunch with his parents and brother and his wife.
then we headed over to the Seays for a joint james and Matthew birthday and father's day. I love how comfortable Ryan is with John's family. it's a rare dynamic that we have in our lives but he totally gets why i love them so much. and they really like him too. (phew)
the last part of the day was spent in LW with my dad.
all in all it was a good day. as we rode home we both were rather happy. there's nothing like spending quality time with the people you love. and i got a lot of love that day. and i got to share that love with everyone. i love family.
and ryan turned to me and told me how much he enjoyed it too.
i think we both long for that family affection.
and i know we both look forward to starting our own one day.
but right now we are enjoying the family of us right now.
me and ryan.
i like our relationship.
i like where it's headed.
especially since as of sunday we are officially in ...
OUR VERY OWN PLACE!

We signed the lease and moved in on Sunday and even though it's a disaster with boxes everywhere and a ton of unpacking... it's our little 2 bedroom apartment bliss.
no more ghetto apartment complex with weird neighbors.
no more walking up three flights of stairs.

it's a much more peaceful atmosphere.
it a place that is "ours."

and although i am sure many people would be surprised i am moving in with someone after only 4 months of dating. but seriously, he moved in after month 1.
i guess i don't really care.
because it makes me happy.
and that's the part people should care about.

fight or flight

fight or flight is a response to stress in animals.

an animal can choose to fight it's stress or flee from it.

a zebra will most likely choose to run when a lion is nearby.

a human may choose to hit another person when they feel threatened by them.

for me... when my stress goes up... my anxiety goes WAY up.

and then i have an urge of "flight or flight."

Lately all I want to do is run away from my stress. Or run to Ryan.

When I found out I lost my job I quickly got in my car... cried the whole way home.. and ran into Ryan's arms when I got there.

When my roommates piss me off I quickly go to my room and shut the door. I don't want to see their stupid faces and the messes they make and won't clean up. I don't want to argue anymore. Or fight about it... because it's not worth my time anymore. THEY are not worth my time anymore. I just want to avoid it.

Sometimes I feel a panic inside of me when I haven't heard from Ryan for a few hours. Even when he is a at work. I have literally had thoughts in my head to go get into my car and drive to his work. I have had to resist urges to show up at his work just to make sure he was there and ok. That's just weird.

and I know I sound like a lunatic when i come up with these thoughts. and i know what i am thinking isn't rational. it's just weird.

ryan tells me CONSTANTLY that he loves me. yet, I long to hear it all the time. It's like I need to know at all times that Ryan loves me. And does he still love me 5 minutes later? Why yes, yes he does.

I know a big part of this stems from my trauma.

In fact, it may all stem from that.

and i really think i have worked hard to make sure it doesnt interfere with my life. but i am afraid one day it will bite me in the ass.

what's gonna happen if one day i flee?

and i just leave my job because the stress has gotten to me?

or whatever crazy things my brain wants me to do.

i am so nervous about having to maintain myself like this.

i am longing for the day where i can live each day with low impact of stress and full capability of breathing. long sighing breaths of air. the day where my job is secure. the day where Ryan and I find a place together and we no longer have to live with slobs.

Slobs that, let me tell you, had the audacity to ask us to buy them more coffee when we used it like a couple times yet they used ALL my paper towels, laundry detergent, toilet paper, etc. etc. Now why the hell do you think I should go out and buy you coffee?! Just selfish.

I mean, who the hell deserves this?

I can't even come home stress free because I have to face THAT.

I can't even consider this a home.

It's where I live.

I am waiting for my home.

at the end of June.

...as you can tell... I am a bit pissed off right now at my situation.

I can't get a break no matter what.

and i have tried the positive outlook. i have tried the pissed off at life outlook... everything seems to come out the same.

shitty.

sigh of relief

After 9 months of searching.... and getting let down... and struggling....

I have a roommate.

Her name is Kelley.

She is fantastic and sweet! We have always gotten alone great and I think we both made a great decision to live with each other.

I can already feel the burden being lifted off my shoulders.

Even though for this first month it will get costly (I paid for the movers and we are splitting her breaking her lease)... it will pay off in the end..

Many people are comfortable with living on their own.

With being alone.

I am not one of those.

I like having the company of others. And I am ok with this.

And I guess you might call me dependent. Ok.

maybe.

it's not just about company but also for the sake of not drowning in debt while trying to still get back on my feet after losing John. I still am a bit wobbly. I am still adjusting... I still experience new things everyday.

And can you believe this.... I am STILL getting emails from people that have not heard of John's death. Every once in awhile I get a message or an email from a friend shocked and confused. (welcome to my world.)

I think once I got engaged many people thought that was that and didn't notice the fairy tale came to a close all too soon.

I am going to bed early tonight.

I have been getting awful sleep.

Last night I finally fell asleep at 3am and woke up EVERY HOUR until 7.

I could barely function today. And tomorrow is a Thursday. I loathe.

It's my least favorite part of the week.

I had a dream a couple nights ago.

John and I decided to skip out on an extravagant wedding. I think we knew our time together was short. So, we ran down to this beach. I was in a wedding gown. It was simple. Not quite my taste. John was in khakis, a button down shirt and sneakers. lol. This doesn't surprise me :)

We exchanged vows and rings. I saw John's ring. It was gold. Just like he wanted.

We were married and I was happy. I didn't need a fancy wedding after all. I just needed him. A dream like that is hard to wake up from. I feel like it really happened. Like we had a chance to finally take our vows. in my dream.

it's time for sleep.

more to do tomorrow....

teaching, painting, classing, writing, washing, driving....

more changes.

I really suck at packing.

I keep getting distracted. For instance. Im writing in my blog.

I HATE packing. I don't know anyone that absolute loves it. But I know for sure I 100% loathe it! And of course.... the situation... doesn't make it one bit easier. This is NOT where I thought I was going to be. I thought the next time I packed up my stuff in boxes was because John and I were going to move into our new house. Packing with John would have made this so much easier. But here I am... packing alone. I have had to make some tough decisions with everything. Still can't decide about clothes and shoes. Im at a loss with those items.

I can't believe this is happening. I can't believe I am packing up and leaving this place behind. I have to close a door. The door I walked merrily into over 5 years ago. I didn't even have a say so in the end. John was taken. I was left behind to figure things out. So far, I haven't gotten too far. I allow others to help guide me on my path. But I have taken the smallest of steps. Someone texted me today and mentioned this move was another baby step. Although I love this person dearly she couldn't be more wrong.
THIS IS A GIANT STEP. A step that terrifies me. Am I really walking anyway? Or floating along?


I made another step yesterday.
It wasn't something I was searching for. It came to me. Which NEVER happens. Except John.
I had to take a hard step yesterday and go to my principal and tell him that I was leaving Walker Middle School. I had been asked by the director of Ocoee Middle School to be her associate director next year. And after thinking about it... and get advice from others... I decided it would be a good choice for me. A direction I needed to take. Not for anyone else but myself. Professionally as well as emotionally. Of course I am going to miss my kids, my awesome administration, my friends I made there, band parents, etc. I will miss it. But part of me was scared about going back. Because everyone knew and I would have to face it everyday. It was a lose/lose situation. They would mention it and I would get upset or they would completely ignore it and I would get upside. Now I get to start somewhere new with someone I like. A team. A support system. And I am actually looking forward to it. I know OMS is a great school and I know that me and Nicolle are going to make a good team. Even if she is a GATOR. :( :)

Now.
Back to packing.
BLAH.

things around me.

I am back to living in my room at John's parents house. Our room. Me and John. Now, for another two weeks or so... it belongs to me, Andrea and Kelly. The girls stuff is scattered about the room. But, the room is still very much mine and John's.
I have been slowly going through things already. I have found a select few video games I am sending to his brother in NYC. That's a big way they connected.... through video games. Whenever we had family functions we would sit around and chat about games that were out and games that were coming out. I always felt special because I could chime in because I love video games too (a quality John LOVED about me). When Billy moved to NYC we found the best way to connect was through Playstation chat. It was a lot of fun for us. Once we opened a three way chat. It was a fiasco though. Everyone's speakers kept echoing and we had to repeat everything we wanted to say. But it was fun. There we were in each other's living rooms. Miles away and laughing it up... talking... smiling at each other through a TV screen.
Sometimes John would start a chat without me knowing and I would run quickly to go put on some pants or decent clothes. He always had that sort of timing. It was funny in the end.


And then in the room are notes, letters, and cards. Everyone expessing their sympathy.
Should I save these?
Will I ever read them again?
Do I want to read them again?
I have some that mean a lot to me... some that say the sweetest things... some where people share their special memories of John. Should I only save those?

And then there is a pile of books. It started small. A couple books I bought with Evan a week or so after John died. So I could read up on grieving and widowhood.
Then books came in the mail. Books were handed to me by others. I bought more... thinking I would find the time to read them. I have tried. I have finished one widow book which I will hand off to my friend Andi tomorrow. I have also started reading a book called "When Life is Hard." I started it today.
I have 10 books to read.
I will try and read through at least once a week. If you know anything I am a FAST READER. In fact, I have read a full book lately. I read the new novella by Stephanie Meyer about Bree Tanner. I bought it in NY and read it in one day. It wasn't a grief book though. It was an "escape" book. One that I could dive into and not have to feel sadness or lonliness or dive deep into my interal thoughts and feelings on life and love.
So, I guess I should mix it up. Heavy stuff books mixed with a bit of escape books. But I don't have anymore escape books. I am thinking about perhaps re-reading Breaking Dawn but I think it's being borrowed. Any ideas for a good "escape" book?

In the bathroom is John's cologne. I smell it everyday. I spray his favorite one on Waldy, the peacock. If you don't know... Waldy was a gift from the Waldorf Astoria to me. It was their "mascot." There was only one. They gave him to me with a picture of John holding him. So, Waldy is who I sleep with at night. Along with one of the girls. And he smells like John. Who smelled like Bulgari.

There's the P90X video I bought John for his birthday.
We did it twice before sort of giving up. We didn't even make it through the full second day of it. John said we would "work up to it." Honestly, it kicked out asses. But we really wanted to get in shape for the wedding. I wish I would have given him something more meaningful for his birthday. But I guess telling him "yes" was a good gift. I mean... he did lean over to me at dinner and say "you're the best birthday present ever."
And he was the best gift in my life ever. A precious gift.


Sometimes I think about what I am going to do with all this stuff.
What do I keep? What do I not keep? What stays? What goes? Am I weird for keeping certain things? Like his toothbrush. I still have that.
I also was keeping a water bottle he had been drinking out of... and finally threw it away the other day.
There is a huge bag of drum sticks which I am going to most likely use at my school and donate to some of the high schools. I want his drum pads to go to his friends. One is going to Tim.
My dad called today and asked for John's knives. Of course they will go to him since he bought them all for John. John's Kabar. I mean what was he ever going to do with a Marine KaBar?! But he wanted it. and my dad got him one. And he kept it close when we lived in our apartment. I guess if someone intruded he planned on stabbing them with a huge, sharp KaBar.

When we move in a couple weeks things are going to be tough. I will be unwrapping memories I have totally forgot about. And then I will have to make decisions on "stuff" again.

I am so glad his parents have allowed me to be in charge of John's things. I know there are things that people will want. And I am not about hoarding it all to myself. I know that everyone needs something. But if I could ask for one thing. easy. I would like John. Can I please have that back?

cough. cry. repeat.

I have a cold. it sucks.
I have been coughing so hard that my ribs are starting to hurt. hopefully i won't bruise/fracture them... which I have been known to do.
Today was the first full day that me and the girls have had in Orlando to take our first step into our new lives. We started with a meeting with Mike Parks.... which I found productive. Hopefully something good will come from it. We just got to make sure we stay on our toes.
Next was lunch. Which I didn't eat. My eating habits suck lately. Which is why it is weird to hear people say "you look good." Because I am literally losing weight from depression.
I guess this is the one good thing that comes out of it. As I have heard Star call it... "the widow diet."
Andi came over today. I missed her. I enjoyed her company. I could talk to her for HOURS. she gets me. and i get her. we understand the hell that each of us has to endure.. and we want to be there for each other. and we will be. for quite sometime.
Tonight we went to a movie with Allison Culbert. we also ate dinner.
i want to see my friends so badly but i have to cut back on things that cost money because I am literally dwindling down to nothing.
And it's only going to get worse. I got a hospital bill the other day on top of my car insurance. I paid off my car payment for the month.

then i came home and went into john's dad's room to chat. our chats go in circles. they all float around the topic that we both know is there. It's John. it's always John.
but john's dad said that I can't do this anymore. i can't come to the room and cry to him anymore. because he cant help me. i need someone professional. we are too weak for each other. i know he is sstruggling too. this isn't a battle of who is suffering more. i lost the love of my life. he lost his baby son. we are stuck in the same ocean. dividing in different boats.
i must have said sorry to john's dad 5 times. who knows why. what do I have to be sorry for? i feel sorry that when we see each other... we make each other feel worse because we see john in each other. besides the whole house being a reminder of john... I am a walking reminder of him. what is future had to hold. could of. would have.
fucking should have.

I felt punched in the stomach when John's dad told me to stop crying and we have to start moving on. I felt like this can't be happening. I am falling behind. everyone else is moving faster. everyone wants to feel better. i want to feel better too. i really do.
john used to make me feel good. he would know the right words. he would take care of me. thats what we did for each other.
for instance: this cold.
he would have been taking care of me every step of the way. and bickering at me at my excessive coughing that keeps him awake at night and hurts my ribs.
I am glad the girls are here. it was nice to have them in the room after i spoke when johns dad. they let me go to the bathroom and cry. heave and vomit in the toilet. and go to the closet to cry some more.
then when I was ready. they were there. to hug me. to rub my back and my feet and my hands and grab me water and make tea.
I love them. I know what I am getting into here. I know it won't be perfect. We'll fight and bitch and have our moments. But those moments will be nothing compared to the great ones we have. the laughter and inside jokes and staying up watching our favorite movies.

today walking into a deli a woman pointed out that we had the same purse. She then eyed all three of us walking in together and was like "OH MY GOD!!! YOU ARE TRIPLETS?!"
We all three just said yes.
She totally believed us.
It was like the second time this has happened. and we will be saying yes from now on. I was always their triplet anyway. Might as well just go with the flow here.

Tomorrow I am going over my FCAT scores for my TIF grant.
I am praying my students did well so I can get my incentive check. An extra $4,000 would really help out a lot with this whole transition period in my life.

Tomorrow I need to cross things off my list. I think I only checked off one thing. That isn't good enough and that isnt like me. SO. tomorrow my goal is three things off the list.
- pay bills
- get internet fixed upstairs
- do laundry

I will get this done.
I WILL.

between FCAT shit and looking at two possible places to live with the twins.


Lorien,
I got your gift today. Thank you so much. It meant a lot to me.
Your card will go with all the ones I have collected. I need a nice box to place them in. The journal is next to my bed. i will use it for when I need to write down dreams quickly.

Andrea and Kelly:
thanks for being here with me. thanks for holding my hand and taking those first steps with me into OUR new lives. God has a plan. We can do this together.

to everyone else:
please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. i want to be strong. but i can't do it alone.
i will be resilient. I will do what it takes. to keep John's memories alive. his positive ones. the ones that I know will make me smile and not cry. ok, they will.

john memory of the night:
Today I was getting ice cream and your have your options for toppings. I could pick out John's right away. I stared at them. Reeses pieces. HE LOVED REESES PIECES. and if those were unavailable it would be chunks of peanut butter cups. sometimes he would mix it up. pieces of brownie. heath bar. snickers.
but if he could pick something first. reeses pieces.

thinking.

These past few weeks in NC and NY have allowed me to share quality time with my close family. Now I am starting to feel the press on my chest. Of leaving. Of separation. I don't do well with separating. I have to admit I am scared about taking my next step. baby step or not. i am frightened.

on top of my grief I have an immense amount of worry.

when i sit still long enough or have a moment to myself i think about of course, john. I think about how much fun we had together and how much we loved. and i also think about the day i found him. still and blue. lifeless and forever gone.

then i think about my future that could have been. weddings and babies.

and i think about my future that is to be. moving back to FL. packing up John's things in boxes. giving things away. selling things. rearranging things. throwing things away.

i think about job hunting for andrea and kelly and praying that they find something.

I think about a Uhaul carrying my stuff to a new place. a place I still have to look for.

i think about unpacking the big boxes that are labeled "john and autumn."

of unpacking our bed sheets. our christmas decorations. our towels. our red kitchen appliances.

of finding things I have forgotten about. a photo frame. a letter. a trinket.

i think about picking up my cat. our cat. our sweet cecilia. and placing her in this new place. without her dad.

i think about sitting down on a couch that i do not yet have next to andrea and kelly. i think about the tv in front of us that we don't have yet either.

i think about the first thing we are going to watch when we settle in.

it will be The Secret Garden. and although it has no ties to John directly. I'll cry.

ill cry because when i first lived with the twins we watched this movie CONSTANTLY. And since John basically lived there too... he must have been around to see it at some point.

i think about a lot of the things all the time.

i cannot shut my brain off.

there is never a time to just think of nothing.

everything revolves around the life i lost and the life i have to lead.

here we go again

I tried this post yesterday. Wrote it all out and then deleted it. So, we have all been there. the frustrations were high and i was a bit over it. i was a bit over yesterday.

yesterday i couldn't get out of bed. i made one attempt...went downstairs and conquered emails that were filled with john's dad throwing back and forth ideas about living situations, etc. Stuff that at the time was over whelming me.

But I did have one good thing to look forward to. SUMMER DEFERMENT CHECK!

I log on into my bank and there's NOTHING there. now, i didnt get paid for the last two weeks of school because i was out of sick leave and wasn't there. so, i get that. but where is my summer pay? usually about $4,000???

I called around everyone i knew and finally someone pointed to me our online pay stubs. i hate that you have to access them online now and I feel like a complete idiot looking at the fine print and getting frustrated (like my dad) about the taxes part of it.

I guess my paperwork for deferred payment never went through.

I freaked out!!!!!!!!!!!

No summer pay.

And I am supposed to move, pay rent, and live.

Because we have made the commitment (me, andrea and kelly) that we will have found a place to live by July 15.

And hopefully in that span of time we will have jobs for all.

But I was not prepared for lack of summer pay. Or else I would have saved up more... and maybe not paid off my school loan in a lump sum. that made john so happy. he was all about dave ramsay and being debt free. he even had me chant something about being debt free. john's mission in life was to ;live out of debt. it's mine too.

but what do people with no money do?

and then the anger kicks in.

if john were here we wouldnt have to go through this. this summer deferment check thing wouldn't mean anything because we would still be living with his parents... planning a wedding on a budget... and I would be able to get part time work at Universal to take care of anything else. It's not his fault. Poor John. He would never want me to be in this situation. He always said he "wanted to take care of me." I guess I am back to doing that on my own. And I am not as strong as I thought I was.

I called an airline today to receive a refund for John's flight to MN with me (on my credit card). They said they can only issue that if they receieve a copy of the death certificate. I haven't even seen the death certificate. I was in tears. It was awful. A piece of paper that officially says John Seay is no longer a living breathing person on this Earth.

The paper it isn't is the paper that says Autumn and John are now officially husband and wife.

kiss the bride and so on and so forth.

i would have loved to see him in that tux.

andhis nephews coming down the aisle with the rings and kenzi throwing flowers... sassy as ever. Evan would have caught the bouquet for sure because the way things are going now I have feeling she is next anyway.

john's apple tree is still alive.

he planted it in the backyard. it took him hours.

the soil here in NC is hard. and he had a shovel and his manual labor.

sweat. blood. tears.

that tree got planted by golly.

and it lived!

AND IT HAS THIS SEASON'S FIRST APPLE.

i went outside and looked up at it and cried.

John's hard work.

still alive and producing something.

i am going backto FL on wednesday.

it's going to be tough.

leaving my family... who I have become so comfortable with and so connected to these past few weeks.

i will meet with andrea that night and this will be the first step in our new journey.

a journey for all three of us to find ourselves again. it's like college all over. except no classes to go to and no squeaky bed.

there will, however, be plenty of cats, cooking, and secret garden.

it has to be.

pray for me and pray for us.

just dont stop praying....

i took extra ambien tonight and wrote this. i may regret this tomorrow?