Saturday, June 26, 2010

here we go again

I tried this post yesterday. Wrote it all out and then deleted it. So, we have all been there. the frustrations were high and i was a bit over it. i was a bit over yesterday.
yesterday i couldn't get out of bed. i made one attempt...went downstairs and conquered emails that were filled with john's dad throwing back and forth ideas about living situations, etc. Stuff that at the time was over whelming me.

But I did have one good thing to look forward to. SUMMER DEFERMENT CHECK!
I log on into my bank and there's NOTHING there. now, i didnt get paid for the last two weeks of school because i was out of sick leave and wasn't there. so, i get that. but where is my summer pay? usually about $4,000???
I called around everyone i knew and finally someone pointed to me our online pay stubs. i hate that you have to access them online now and I feel like a complete idiot looking at the fine print and getting frustrated (like my dad) about the taxes part of it.
I guess my paperwork for deferred payment never went through.
I freaked out!!!!!!!!!!!
No summer pay.
And I am supposed to move, pay rent, and live.
Because we have made the commitment (me, andrea and kelly) that we will have found a place to live by July 15.
And hopefully in that span of time we will have jobs for all.

But I was not prepared for lack of summer pay. Or else I would have saved up more... and maybe not paid off my school loan in a lump sum. that made john so happy. he was all about dave ramsay and being debt free. he even had me chant something about being debt free. john's mission in life was to ;live out of debt. it's mine too.
but what do people with no money do?

and then the anger kicks in.
if john were here we wouldnt have to go through this. this summer deferment check thing wouldn't mean anything because we would still be living with his parents... planning a wedding on a budget... and I would be able to get part time work at Universal to take care of anything else. It's not his fault. Poor John. He would never want me to be in this situation. He always said he "wanted to take care of me." I guess I am back to doing that on my own. And I am not as strong as I thought I was.

I called an airline today to receive a refund for John's flight to MN with me (on my credit card). They said they can only issue that if they receieve a copy of the death certificate. I haven't even seen the death certificate. I was in tears. It was awful. A piece of paper that officially says John Seay is no longer a living breathing person on this Earth.
The paper it isn't is the paper that says Autumn and John are now officially husband and wife.
kiss the bride and so on and so forth.

i would have loved to see him in that tux.
andhis nephews coming down the aisle with the rings and kenzi throwing flowers... sassy as ever. Evan would have caught the bouquet for sure because the way things are going now I have feeling she is next anyway.

john's apple tree is still alive.
he planted it in the backyard. it took him hours.
the soil here in NC is hard. and he had a shovel and his manual labor.
sweat. blood. tears.
that tree got planted by golly.
and it lived!
i went outside and looked up at it and cried.
John's hard work.
still alive and producing something.

i am going backto FL on wednesday.
it's going to be tough.
leaving my family... who I have become so comfortable with and so connected to these past few weeks.
i will meet with andrea that night and this will be the first step in our new journey.
a journey for all three of us to find ourselves again. it's like college all over. except no classes to go to and no squeaky bed.
there will, however, be plenty of cats, cooking, and secret garden.
it has to be.
pray for me and pray for us.

just dont stop praying....

i took extra ambien tonight and wrote this. i may regret this tomorrow?

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