Sunday, June 27, 2010

Though your heart is breaking

I have no will to weep or sing,
No least desire to pray or curse;
The loss of love is a terrible thing;
They lie who say that death is worse.

- Countee Cullen

I found that poem today online. I only shared the last few lines. It's about loss of love.
I found it relevant.

I have told my talented 13 year old niece, Brielle, who loves to sing constantly that I would like her to learn a song and sing it for me. It's "Smile" by Charlie Chaplin. I showed her the Judy Garland version and we even listened to the Glee version. So, she literally learned to sing it in a day and now CONSTANTLY sings it. In the shower, in her room, in the car. We tried to do a duet today.
It's weird. I bought the song on itunes before John died. Like literally a couple weeks before when i heard it on American Idol. I had completely forgotten how much I loved the song and then downloaded it the next morning on my way to work and cried and cried listening to it.
Telling yourself to smile even though your heart is aching and breaking.
Now I know what that means. Before, I cried just imagining it. What did I know about a broken heart then? If only I had known what was in store for me.
Now the song speaks volumes to me. When Judy Garland sings she is singing to me and me alone. And, everyday I do find a chance to smile. And I laugh. All between my crying.

I had a good day with my family today. We went to church. Got prayed over. Karen got a healing prayer for her gallstone and I got a healing prayer for my heart. The only difference is mine can't completely heal instantly. Even God knows that the grief process takes time. I wouldn't want to speed it up. I wouldn't want to just all of a sudden open my eyes and be like "I'm done." Although I wish I could fast forward time. Or peek into my future. Will I ever return to the happiness I had before? I know it's not the same. But have I peaked out for the happiness meter. In drum corps there is a term called "peaking."It's where a corps gets a high score too soon and then they just stay there... or even worse... fall down from there.
Did I peak at age 26?
Did I just have the best days of my life?

In other news. No John dream last night. Can't remember last night's dream because I took extra ambien. I know that's probably a no-no wiithout asking a doctor but it was just a little bit more.
I will most likely dream about him again tonight.

I am having an issue with John's email account. Apparently it's got a virus/has been hacked and every few days send out an email to everyone on his list.
This creeps people out.
And it gets me everytime too.
I know this sounds silly... but a part of me tingles with excitement! Like John sent me an email from heaven. Like God allowed him access to some heavenly internet to write me a note to say it's going to be ok. But that's weird. And that's not what it is.
Reality sucks.

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