Where are you, Christmas?

It's been hard to update my blog this month.

After the stress of my school concert (which went fine) I entered the last days of school... which went by about as slow as one could imagine. When you are a teacher I swear you are counting down the days for a break more than the students. 

Then... it's been full speed ever since. 

I thought things would cool down after that but they didn't.

It's been good things mostly.

Parties, family events, get togethers, etc. etc. 

Our calendar has been jam packed with so much to do... and usually I am the type of person that craves that "go, go, go" rush. But, I am ready to relax a bit and enjoy some down time. I need that break. I need to just to stop and enjoy my time with Ryan.

Our first Christmas together.

How is this Christmas?

How is my second Christmas without John?

How is my first Christmas with Ryan?

What new things have I encountered? 

Were there any surprises?

What's life like during the holidays?

1) The holidays have lost their magic.

I blame this partially on FLORIDA. 

Being in FL for Christmas is a total joke. For some people going outside in shorts and a tank top on christmas is a dream come true but for me it just pisses me off. Listening to songs on the radio about snow storms, fireplaces, hot chocolate, etc. just makes me want to scream. I am blasting my A/C at full speed and rolling my eyes in the car. My closet is a tease. Everytime I walk in there I want to grab a cozy sweater but I feel like i am wearing the same things over and over.... just patiently waiting for an excuse for a cute scarf. *i LOVE scarves*

And, i don't know... I don't feel Christmas.

I don't know if it's because i am a widow.

or if I still have lingering grief.

or if it's because i am not a 9 year old anymore clinging to the mirror looking for rudolph and thinking every blinking red light on a radio tower is him....

I don't know why exactly but it doesn't feel like the christmas i once knew.

i know i am sounding like a faith hill song right now but I would love to have that feeling back.

and I have kind of tricked myself into thinking that won't happen until i have kids of my own.

2) i still miss John.

OF COURSE.

I know this shouldn't really be a surprise...

but this month has been more challenging than the rest. I have thought about him more often than normal (whatever the hell normal is) and I have been crying over him recently. maybe it's all the holiday cheer and warm fuzzy feelings spreading around... but i just miss him. i miss his sweet voice. i miss things he would say to me and i miss the connection we had. i am not at all means trying to say i am unhappy with Ryan.... 

I am just missing John.

So much so that I had another dream about him the other night that made me very upset when i woke up in the morning.

basically someone told me John was in town and didn't tell me.

I had to investigate and find out where he was staying.

He was with friends and when I stopped by to see him they said he didn't want to talk to me. 

He was mad at me for cheating on him or what not....

I finally convinced them to let me in and I sat down with John and he said he was mad I was with Ryan.

I told him he had died and had been gone and i didn't know he was coming back.

He didn't believe me so I spent the next part of my dream giving him the complete play-by-play of the whole day... where he died.

I had to fucking re-live that day in my dream as I told him.

It was fucking awful.

So, John has been invading my thoughts a lot. 

I wish I could just pick up the phone to heaven and say hello... just to let him know I am ok... and make sure he isn't actually mad at me. (which i doubt he would be)

3) I made the seay poem.

This is weird but I was anxious about it. 

Opening up the red envelope frantically I started to feel my blood rush.

What if this is the year i am not in it?

I was in it.

One paragraph....

even ryan made the poem...

which touched my heart.

It's weird. Isn't it???

To have John's family write a stanza in their poem dedicated to their late son's fiance and her new boyfriend?

yeah, i know.

but somehow it just works out.

and we have learned how to make it less weird.

we are ... the exception.

4) My families are expanding.

I am doing christmas eve with the seays, christmas with Ryan's family and the day after christmas with my family.

then it's my birthday.

holy family.

this part makes me smile.

i love that i have so many to love.

i just wish i still had john too.

then it would be pretty much perfect.

two men? yah, wait. oh wow... maybe that would be awkward.

5) My birthday is on Tuesday.

I will be 28.

I am having a dinner with a bunch of friends... i consider myself lucky to have so many that can be there for me.

i just have this sense of unaccomplishment.

in the seay poem it mentioned my job as a band director.

like that's all i have to offer??

I don't want my job to make me who i am.

but then again... what else do I have? What could people jot down when they described me? i know i would want more than "band director" to be used. 

I want to be known for so much for than that.

I need this 28th year of my life to be more fulfilling.

But I will also settle for health, love, happiness. i will be happy with those things. 

and paying off my loans.

being debt free would be a bonus.

... So the question now may be....

How will my 2012 go?

Where will my journey take me?

I have always been one to look ahead in the far future and think about all the exciting things to come...

but widowhood knocks you down.

it throws you on your back.

the kind where you can't breathe for a little bit... knocks the breath out of you.

it kicks dirt in your face. 

on your "plans" 

on the coulda' woulda' shoulda' beens.

and so I am going to go ahead and just say... 

i'll take it one day at a time.

and that's good enough, my friends. 

Endoscopies and other fun things

So,

I got my endoscopy. Turns out that I have gastritis.

Now, that makes me sound like a really gassy person. But that's not what it is, folks. haha

It's basically in inflammation of the stomach lining. You can find out more about it here.

So.

No more soda. fuck.

no more tomato based anything. shit.

so.... THAT PIZZA AND COKE I HAD THE OTHER DAY... BAD IDEA!!! I went home and it felt like someone was taking scissors to my insides. gross. that was a weird analogy.

So I have my follow up appt. with my doctor on Aug. 1 and then we will talk about the endoscopy (they also took a biopsy) and my thyroid.

So, I guess these issues with my stomach and my thyroid have put a spike in my anxiety. I have been having some hard nights lately in the sleep department. Well, not like that has changed that much but I do feel like there was a period of a few months after John's death where I could actually sleep ok. In fact, sometimes I looked forward to it. Now, I dread sleep. If it weren't for Ryan I would never go to bed. I would be an insomniac.

Even times when I am completely exhausted my mind won't let me rest.

Last night I had a pretty bad panic attack.

I had a semi-dream (because I still kind of felt awake) that I was having a heart attack.

when I woke up I had sharp pains in my left arm.

Of course this makes the panic worse because that's a symptom of heart attack... but it's also a symptom of panic attack.

Panic attacks make you feel like you are dying.

It's very traumatic... to go through this all the time.

And very exhausting.

I hate living in fear. Fear of death and how I will die.

fear that when I close my eyes to sleep I may never open them again... just like John.

so, i have been taking my clonazapem almost every night now.

It's something I haven't had to do much until recently.

I think it's the stress of starting a new job. Having to re-start my life again. You have to think... 4 schools in 5 years!!!! That's a lot of starting over. That's more schools than some will ever go through before they retire. I have been around. (school wise)

So, tonight I am going to let the Lunesta butterfly take me away and not deal with wondering if I am going to have anxiety or not. I will just sleep it through.

I long for a time when I feel free of this fear. free of anxiety and stress. free of worry.

I long to have dreams again of fancy free times and not wake up from nightmares where I lose John or where I am dying.

I think a first step towards establishing this new inner peace is praying MORE. I don't pray nearly enough and it's evident.

The other night I asked ryan to pray with me and he did... right before bed we held hands. And I felt a sense of relief after.

The other thing I need to do is relax more.

Tension runs in my family.

I have a high strung mom and dad. So, alas here I am.

I let EVERYTHING get to me. God picked the wrong person to be a widow.

So. Advice of stress relief is appreciated.

Yoga may be a start but I have had times when i am hanging in weird poses where I think I am gonna pass out... I rather have massages. But, then it's the money thing.

So.

How to de-stress on a budget????

Dreams, Dates, and Men that are Blue

For once it isn't me having the strange dreams.

In fact, for the girl who always has had such VIVID dreams... and dreams that I can actually go back and recall in great detail.... I haven't been dreaming that much lately.

I take that back.

I have been forgetting my dreams.

Last week Ryan asked me "so, did you have any wild dreams last night." I immediately started to think that maybe I was doing some weird moaning or flailing about in my sleep. "No... why?"

Ryan looked surprised.

Like my answer was unexpected.

He then went on to tell me he has been having reoccurring dreams where John is there... and me... and Ryan... and I have to choose between them.

of course any man dating a widow will have the occasional "dead guy jealousy." it's weird. they aren't even a threat at all anymore... yet my affections towards John will never go away. So, i guess these dreams would be considered normal?

As Ryan explained to me the dreams he literally started to tear up.

He said that John never spoke to him... but he could tell that he didn't like Ryan for trying to take me from him.

(Ryan never has really had conversations with John so it makes sense he doesn't hear his voice in the dreams).

Ryan says that he wakes up feeling horrible.

he is terrified of losing me.

LOSING ME.

Oh no. now we are both afraid of losing each other.

Ryan has had dreams were he has lost me before. but never to john. my deceased fiance.

I of course state the obvious.

that john isn't coming back.

and i do not have to choose.

thank GOD.

can you imagine???

no.

i don't want to.

it's hard enough loving a man on earth and a man in heaven.

my heart has been pulled on enough.

to choose between them would be tragedy at it's finest.

Ryan just cares so much about my happiness.

he once told me he wished John were here... and that he would gladly give me up to John if it would make me happy.

it was a little chilling to hear that.

because it's so sacrificial.

but now that i have ryan in my life... i don't think i can imagine him not in it.

just as i once couldn't imagine my life without john.

So, moving forward.... Saturday night.

I have a new job. yay. well... i mean i transfered to a new position at universal.

part time.

8 dollars an hour. i am really moving up in the world.

i am now going to be working at blue man group.

as an usher.

so, my new supervisor asks me to come out and see the show...which i have. a million times. but i figured it would make for a great date night with Ryan. of course!

everything started out so great!

we got to city walk and had sushi and i introduced Ryan to his first sake bomb!

see:

it was a lot of fun!

and as we got to blue man we met up with Bryan, my supervisor, and he was really nice and all was well.

before the show started the BMG do some nonsense stuff with the audience where they point out certain individuals and do clever things like "this person won a gold medal in curling..." etc. etc.

then they pointed out a couple and asked them to stand up.

the couple was sitting right next to us.

and then i see the dad from the row behind slip a red box secretly into the guy's hand.

OH NO.

Then you know the next steps.

he gets on a knee.

he asks a question.

she puts her hands over her face in shock.

she says yes.

she hugs and kisses him.

there is mass applause.

it's your every day proposal.

at blue man group.

well.

i wasn't quite prepared for that.

and i left.

rather quickly actually... and i didn't know where i was headed... but i knew there was no holding back.

i left Ryan at the seats. baffled i am sure.

because when i had looked at him he was applauding with everyone else and had a huge smile on his face.

i guess that's what i should have been doing.

i guess i should have been happy for them.

but i ran away.

behind the seating area.

and i cried.

at first just wiping away streaming tears.

then loud little sighs and moans.

loud crying. oh yes, the loud crying.

it wasn't my loudest... but it was loud enough to be noticed... by another usher and best of all: my supervisor.

he was really nice about it. he went in the back and got a whole BOX of tissues and said I could keep the box. i passed on the box. i grabbed like 5 or 6 though.

ya see, he already knew about everything because i mentioned it during my interview.

and i wasn't even playing my widow card.

i was just trying to explain the change in my life to explain why i needed to switch roles at universal. sometimes i feel like it's a puzzle piece that should be shared so people can understand the decisions that i make. i mean, do i really need to pull my widow card for an hourly job anyway?

so now i am embarrassed.

i haven't even started the job yet and my supervisor has already tried to comfort me during a meltdown/sob session.

he starts to apologize.

"i didn't think about where they were sitting...we were just told today... i would have had you come another night..."

he's blaming himself?!

for my lack of happiness for others and inability to cope?

i returned to my seat a few minutes later.

and i was pretty apathetic for the rest of the show and night.

i was unmoved and unpleasant.

and as we walked to the parking garage ryan scolded me on ruining the night over strangers.

and then i pulled the "you don't know what it's like" card.

but inside i felt guilty.

ryan was right... for the most part.

i let others... strangers... and their happiness... their own happy day... take away MY happy day with someone who loves me very much.

and grief does that.

it's a thief of happy moments.

because it takes other's situations and makes them personal.

and now that I got my first proposal since John's death out of the way... I will be better next time around.

Pursuit of Happiness.

Have you ever heard a song and loved it so much you literally listened to it over and over and over...

and over...

and over again.

That was me this morning. On my way to work.

I was in a good mood.

I was listening to Pandora radio on the Girl Talk station. ONE OF THE BEST STATIONS EVER!!!!

Then I heard this song by Kid Cudi called "Pursuit of Happiness."

It's a Hip Hop song... and yes, at the beginning it talks about drinking and drugs... but the song SPOKE to me.

Mainly the chorus:

"I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know that everything that's shining aint always gonna be gold. I'll be fine once I get it.... I'll be good...."

So. I downloaded the song off itunes immediately.

immediately.

and listened to it the rest of the way to work.

then after work. the whole time home. yes, 30 minute ride home.

then i ran a bubble bath and hooked up my ipod to my Bose and played it again.

ON REPEAT.

my roommate must think I am crazy.

there's always a part talking about dreaming...

he says "tell me what you know about dreamin', dreamin'... you really don't know about nothing...

tell me what you know about night terrors. nothing!"

I have been having CRAZY dreams once again.

They are completely vivid. They almost always involve John and sometimes randoms like Daniel Tosh from Tosh.0 *uhhh*

But most dreams aren't what I want them to be.

I get so upset (mainly jealous here) when I have people come up and say "oh Autumn!! John was in my dreams last night and saying "everything is ok... blah blah blah wonderful things... blah blah."

WHY THE HELL ISN'T HE COMING TO MY DREAMS AND SAYING THAT???

WHY DOES HE LEAVE ME ALL THE TIME???

WHY DO PEOPLE LEAVE ME???

Separation anxiety? yes. i believe so.

I just don't think some people understand some of the things I think and feel... and dream. What do you know of this nightmare? NOTHING.

I wish I could tell you, friend, how to understand.

I wish I could give my boyfriend the answers on how to make things better.

The last thing he wants is for me to be sad.

Funny, that was the last thing John wanted too.

So, how come that's the main theme here?

I am on the pursuit of happiness.

I had found it once.

I want to find it again.

and keep it.

is that too much to ask?

isn't that a God given right I have?????

Isn't it an American right I have????

It's just something I feel like I am not allowed to keep.

Ok, so I find John.

We make it through the good and the bad. We perfect our relationship. We worked hard to get where we were.

WE PURSUED HAPPINESS.

And it was taken.

John died in the peak of happiness.

I have fallen.

far from that happiness which I once sat comfortably with and sipped our cup of happiness tea.

"oh hi, happiness. come sit for awhile. everything is just dandy.... sugar?"

everyone has a different version of happiness.

perhaps yours is money.

perhaps yours is fame.

perhaps yours is to travel the world.

mine is to be in love

to have the love i had before and to continue my story.

to be a wife one day (and a damn fine one at that!!!!)

and to have kids and to love my family.

to focus on raising my family, enjoying my work, and loving everyone whole heartedly.

Pursuing money and fame is difficult. it takes a lot of hard work and charisma. it takes getting the door slammed in your face or switching jobs until you find the right one.

you pursue on your own mainly. if you fail... if you fall... you most likely won't carry others down with you.

Pursuing LOVE is scary!

anything can happen.

you are depending on another person to take care of your heart. another person to trust, to depend on and to love you unconditionally.

with the wounded heart i have... i often fear that if it gets hurt anymore it will surely burst. but, would i rather that than risk never loving again?

Am I lucky enough to fall in love twice and be loved in return???

I'm pursuing it.

love triangle

people are happy about my new found relationship.

so am I.

but, I have this fear.

a couple.

they dwell inside of me.

they keep me anxious.

First, I am afraid of getting hurt. When I decide to get into a relationship it is with the intent of staying in that relationship. Of course. I guess that is everyone's intent, right? Maybe not.

My heart is now back out there.

It's being divided again. What's left of it.

And I am gradually giving it to someone else... trusting them.

I guess after what I have been through before... you think I would be able to handle the risk. But it almost makes it worse.

Second, I don't want people to forget John.

Now that I have found someone I am happy with.... I have this fear that others will want me to move on completely from my connection with John. Ok, not completely. but i fear that they think my relationship will heal everything 100% . that they won't have to worry about me anymore. that all of a sudden things are fine and good again.

i will admit... i am blinded by my feelings currently.

I cry less.

I have more smiles.

But I have not forgotten. I will never forget.

My dreams make sure of it.

My brain ensures me that the life I shared with John really did happen. The memories and the dreaming.

Last night I dreamed that John was here. And he died. And everyone in TCI blamed me.

It was sad.

I knew it wasn't my fault but no one believed me.

I woke up upset. Of course.

My John dreams are never truly pleasant. I think 10% of them have had happy endings.

I just don't want my dating life to overshadow the many years of happiness I had with John. They existed. He existed. He dwells in my heart. I had to make room for another person and now I live this odd 3 way love triangle.

I am very pleased with the way things have been going with my new ...boyfriend. hehe. boyfriend. still weird to say. but at the same time it's an exciting word.

2 weeks and I'm hooked.

he's a great guy.

and i think John would approve.

Regina Spektor worded it perfectly:

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took

And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood

And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again

sigh of relief

After 9 months of searching.... and getting let down... and struggling....

I have a roommate.

Her name is Kelley.

She is fantastic and sweet! We have always gotten alone great and I think we both made a great decision to live with each other.

I can already feel the burden being lifted off my shoulders.

Even though for this first month it will get costly (I paid for the movers and we are splitting her breaking her lease)... it will pay off in the end..

Many people are comfortable with living on their own.

With being alone.

I am not one of those.

I like having the company of others. And I am ok with this.

And I guess you might call me dependent. Ok.

maybe.

it's not just about company but also for the sake of not drowning in debt while trying to still get back on my feet after losing John. I still am a bit wobbly. I am still adjusting... I still experience new things everyday.

And can you believe this.... I am STILL getting emails from people that have not heard of John's death. Every once in awhile I get a message or an email from a friend shocked and confused. (welcome to my world.)

I think once I got engaged many people thought that was that and didn't notice the fairy tale came to a close all too soon.

I am going to bed early tonight.

I have been getting awful sleep.

Last night I finally fell asleep at 3am and woke up EVERY HOUR until 7.

I could barely function today. And tomorrow is a Thursday. I loathe.

It's my least favorite part of the week.

I had a dream a couple nights ago.

John and I decided to skip out on an extravagant wedding. I think we knew our time together was short. So, we ran down to this beach. I was in a wedding gown. It was simple. Not quite my taste. John was in khakis, a button down shirt and sneakers. lol. This doesn't surprise me :)

We exchanged vows and rings. I saw John's ring. It was gold. Just like he wanted.

We were married and I was happy. I didn't need a fancy wedding after all. I just needed him. A dream like that is hard to wake up from. I feel like it really happened. Like we had a chance to finally take our vows. in my dream.

it's time for sleep.

more to do tomorrow....

teaching, painting, classing, writing, washing, driving....

It's my birthday and I'll blog if I want to...

We are on a ship.

Why are we on a ship again????

Didn't I just have this dream? Except this ship is different. It's

smaller. It's going to an unknown place and as it glides p

ast the shore... takes a turn and is now plowing into the land. But it's not... it's gliding.

I am in my cabin. John is on the bed. He is sitting there. He starts to talk to me... "Autumn, I am trying this again... but it just isn't going to work. I can't do this. I can't be with you."

I begin to plead and beg. "Don't do this John!"

He leaves.

My body flies off the boat into the sky. I am looking at the ocean from the sky. The boat is now small and white. My heart is breaking in half. Again. John is leaving me yet again.

And then I wake up.

Happy Birthday, Autumn.

Today is my birthday. Today is my golden birthday.

I can't stand to be awake. I need to go back to sleep and see John. I need to convince him to come back to me. Why does he always try to leave me in my dreams?! It's a horrible feeling. It's like breaking my heart over and over again. My brain is trying to convince me this is what happened. It's trying to make things easier. No, Autumn... you didn't find him dead. He left you. My brain is trying to re-write history.

My brain is wrong.

Dreams are dreams... they aren't real.

The reality of it all is that John and I were in the happiest time of our lives. We were never so in love than at the point of his death. He would have never left me. And I would have never left him.

Fuck these dreams.

And on my birthday? Fucking really?

FUCK THIS SHIT.

I decide to lay in the bed and sleep again.

Dreams not remembered. worthless.

I stay in the bed until noon. I'll just go ahead and sleep this birthday away.

But I did get up. My nieces made me oatmeal. We played rock band. We stayed in and talked, laughed... my sister in law came home with a fever. :(

My nieces made pancakes for dinner.

We put a candle in one and I blew it out. I am sure you can guess what I wished for. Definitely not for another year like this one. And I almost feel bad saying that. Because really the beginning of my year was FANTASTIC. It's so shitty the best part of my life and the worst part of my life were in the same year... I mean really they were only 17 days apart. How unfair.

But 2011 brings hope.

This is me trying to convince myself.

And I guess I could be bitter about being 27 and starting my life all over again.

And I am actually.

A lot of my friends my age are married, pregnant, successful... perhaps some of them not as happy as they seem to be. But that's not always what they post on their facebook. So, what I see is everyone around me having a better life than me. As I inch towards 30 this is NOT where I ever imagined myself being at 27. This isn't where I should be. Apparently I can't plan my life. Apparently it is out of my control.

27 years. 6 of them spent with my love.

Who will be fortunate enough to spend the next years of my life with me?

A strong man for sure. That has to deal with my shit. My "baggage." John is not the baggage. Widowhood is the baggage. Being labled like I am wearing some God forsaken scarlet letter. Instead of an A lets just go ahead and paste a big red W on my chest.

And it amazes me. My progress.

I told myself I would NOT be celebrating my birthday this year. That I was going to skip it....

And yet this may be one of my biggest birthdays to date.

A dinner. 6:30pm.

Over 25 guests.

All there for me.

My loved ones. My friends. The people who have pulled me through... who are still pulling me out of the darkness. The ones that encourage me. The ones that stay in contact with me. The ones that call me and invite me out. The ones that wish that they could do for me.

I am actually looking forward to it.

Of course there will be an obvious absence of presence in the room.

It won't be mentioned I am guessing.

But everyone will feel it.

Where is John?

Where are my flowers? Where is my birthday kiss? Who will occupy his seat next to me at the dinner table?

Who will occupy that empty hole in my heart?

Who will one day take on the task of loving me. This broken girl. This shattered woman. This mess. This beautiful mess of a person. Who is going to save me... tell me it's ok... and show me the light again?

Strong man. Strong, patient man. I pray for you.

I read the Bible tonight with my nieces... I always find myself heading towards 1 Corinthians to read the passage about love. To torture myself? Maybe.

But then I read the line "Love never dies."

You're right. It doesn't. My love for John will always stay ignited inside my heart and soul. I can make space for another. For the Bible does say the most important thing is to love extravagantly.

The greatest of these is love.

I am a person full of love. Love that I want to share. Love that will go on and fill others... family, friends, and eventually.... a lover.

And so I am walking out to the water... and I am putting my toe towards the edge... and dipping it in slightly. Am I prepared to test the water? If I dive in I could drown. So, I will stay towards the shore.... until I am ready for a plunge.

Happy Birthday to me.

So, this is Christmas?

In the past I have had dreams where it is the day before Christmas and I hadn't bought a single gift for anyone. I struggled to go out and find things and ended up getting nothing by the time the holiday rolled around. Apparently, this is a fear of mine.

But this year.... I am living the dream.

Christmas is only a couple days away and I am no way prepared for it. Any gifts I have bought have been totally sporadic. I had told myself ahead of time that I wasn't going to worry about Christmas at all this year. That I didn't want annything because I wasn't going to get anything for anyone else. Alas, I lied. But, I don't have a list this year (we all know how much I love lists) and I didn't really make it a goal to get everyone a gift. It's not me being rude or thoughtless. I am just going with the flow. If I hop into a store and something strikes me... I will get it for someone and be done with it. But, I don't make it a mission this year to go out and get everyone their specific things. To just lay it out plain and simple: Christmas this year blows.

It has definitely lost it's magic. It's spirit. Whatever.

My first holiday season as a widow is exactly the way other widows before me have described it. Awful.

It doesn't mean I am not enjoying the company of my family and friends. It doesn't mean I dont crave the traditions or the shopping. It just means that I have to try extra hard to be in that spirit. And I have to say I have done a pretty damn good job. I have kept together nicely... and I save most of my breakdowns for times when I am alone.

I just won't mind when this Christmas passes.

I will gladly wave 2010 goodbye...

and pray and hope that 2011 will show some grace.

Today I took a really long nap.

I had ANOTHER John dream. So far I have had John dreams everytime I have slept so far here in NC. But, there was something different about this one. He wasn't leaving me. Most of my John dreams consist of John letting go of me... either he is dying or breaking up with me. It's like my brain is re-hashing it all over and over. But, in this dream... we danced. He looked great! I was completely happy. It really had a happy ending. And when I woke up I contemplated reality. It takes about 5 minutes for my thoughts to adjust. No, John isn't there. Yes, that was just a dream. Yes, that really sucked. No, I can't go back to sleep to see him again.

John lives in my dreams. He is created nightly by my mind. He is no longer a thing to be seen or touched... only imagined and remembered. How odd is that?

And his memories are all around... even here. All the girls (my nieces) have pictures of John in their room. There is this one in Kalee's room that is my absolute favorite. It's of her and John on a carousel in Universal. They are both smiling. She framed it. It makes me smile... and sometimes sad.

Outside is John's apple tree. It looks soo pathetic right now. It looks dead to be honest. But, I am hoping that it's just the winter appearance it has taken on. Apparently it blooms every spring and produces apples. (ok, like 2. the size of golf balls)

Brielle is laying with Xander (bloodhound) next to the fireplace. They are asleep. John and Zion used to sleep next to the fireplace together. I always thought it was so sweet... so cute... so typical of John to fall asleep there. He could sleep anywhere, actually.

I guess I still can't believe this is Christmas.

I made to Christmas? Without John? How was this possible?

Today is 8 months.

I am completely still in love with John.

Every ounce of my being still misses him.

He should be here. It's Christmas. It's family time. He was my family. He was going to be my husband. We should have been hanging our "first christmas" ornament together on the tree. We should have been buying our monogrammed "S" towels and talking about 2011... and trying for a baby!!

I hate that this widow experience has ruined things for me... like Christmas... like weddings... like parties and social events...

this isn't me. but it is. now.

Thanksgiving

I survived my first Thanksgiving without John.
I can't say that I am proud... because that just sounds weird. Maybe I am a bit relieved? That I didn't have a complete breakdown in front of his family.
I stayed at his parents all day.
It felt just like the Thanksgivings we have had before. The same faces. The same food. The same house and same decorations. But. It was also very different. You could see it in everyone;s faces. But no one said it. No one said John's name. Not even during the prayer. (which John's dad couldn't do and passed it on to Liz's mom).
But we all felt his absence.
It was a gaping hole.
Last year John came to Thanksgiving late because he had to work in the morning.
So, around the time he came home last year was the time I started to yearn.
Please, God.
Please have his gray Cadillac pull up in the driveway and let John walk through the door with his tie loose and blue work shirt untucked and jacket in arms. I would have made him a plate. But, the reality of it was he wasn't coming to dinner.
I got kind of upset. That no one mentioned him.
I guess I need to understand that not everyone can handle that right now... but for me... I needed to hear his name more than ever. I needed to to know that I wasn't the only one that was writhing in his absence. I needed to be assured that no one had forgotten. That he existed. At one point I took a nap with Annie and brought it up. As we both drifted off to sleep I had tears drip off my nose. He wasn't forgotten. He was on everyone's minds... and everyone in the house felt his absence.
Thanksgiving came and went.
I ate a lot of food. I talked with John's family. I shared stories.
By the time I left and got in my car... it was over. And I lost it. I cried all the way home. All the feelings I held in all day came out on my 30 minute drive home. Not the safest place to let it all out... but where I tend to do most of my crying anyway.
I got home. I went to sleep. For a short while.
I woke up multiple times during the night with horrible dreams, night sweats and numbness in my body. Probably from anxiety. Of course they were thoughts about John. He had invaded my mind all day so I knew he would be slipping into my dreams. It hurts to dream about John. Mainly to wake up and realize he isn't there.

In the end I survived. I made it to the day after Thanksgiving.

comes and goes (in waves)

Tomorrow I return back to Long Island to take a trip to visit my sister and see one of my favorite bands ever.... Muse!
I think getting away is something I definitely need to do.
Although at the same time I get nervous thinking about it again.
Flying.
Going away.
Being away from my dad who is obviously going through a tough time and being away from John's family..... the weird thing is I never really get to see them much anymore. But, I can't imagine my life without them. Being away from them doesn't seem possible right now.
And a big part of me is also going to miss the biggest part of my life right now... my kids. My students are helping me keep afloat. They have surely been a life saver since August... that along with my partner, Nicole. The students I work with are great kids. They have big hearts and love music. I didn't always have that same passion before with previous schools I worked with. But, that was kind of neat too because I got to introduce them to that passion.
Only one class I work with now knows about John.
Our 7th period. Because they are insane. We call them "zoo band." We told them so they would understand better. Get an idea that I came to Ocoee by choice to start new. I left my kids to be with them.
And I think it was the best choice at that moment in my life.
In fact, I think I couldn't be happier right now as far as my career goes.
And my passion for teaching and for kids is back.
Something I was beginning to lose these past couple years.
Something that I always got to see inside my better half, John.
His passion for teach
ing was incredible. I was envious rather. Watching him interact with TCI or any percussion student made me fall more deeply in love with him. He taught me so much. He taught me to be patient... to have fun... to laugh... and to make learning music something someone should enjoy doing and WANT to do.
He helped re-birth my love for teaching each time I watched him.
Yet, there were days where I felt he held his love for teaching above me. It was a selfish act on my part.
John was my #1.
And I know I was his.
But, sometimes I just let my envy get in the way. How dare someone else take his time away from me!
But, looking back on it now... he was doing something he loved.
Not just something he loved.... something WE loved.
It pains me to think that he will never have the chance to be a loving father. To teach our children passion for music and love. He would have been an amazing dad. We had spoken of it often while sitting in the living room or lying in bed. How he thought I would be a lovely mom and how he would be an amazing dad. How we would be the perfect parent team. A lotta love and a little bit of tough. How we wanted girls like Bobby and Karen. Smart, sweet, beautiful and obedient. And we wanted them to love music. Not forcing it upon them... just raising them around it... and watching our love for it.
Sometimes in class I will stare out and see a student that reminds me of John.
I try to imagine what he was like in middle school (although he always said he was the best). And I believe him. I look at the talented percussionists in our bands and hold a special place in my heart for them. They are my little Johns. And one day they will reach out to others like he did. I see students that remind me of myself. And then I wonder if their life will end up like mine. A disaster at age 26. Will others be able to handle it? Am I really that strong?
It's something I would never wish on another human being.
It's something I don't feel I deserve.

My focus is really getting off lately. I can't sit still. I am always moving. I have gone back to crying a lot again. I am having flashbacks and dreams/nightmares. This all sparked before Wendy's death... but her death has made it even worse. The quiet of the night and the lonliness of my apartment make my spirits hang heavy. Looming next week is a date I dread.
October 30.
My wedding date.
On that day I am taking my relationship status completely off of facebook.
I don't want to have to deal with the drama of putting "widowed" or "single."
Other than a profile change that's all I can think of. I do want to get away. I think a trip to the ocean would be best. Just watching a sunset (John's favorite) and holding the hands of friends that can join me. It will not be easy. I will imagine in my head what the night would have really been like. It would have been a dream come true.
I just can't believe it's already here.
6 months have gone by so fast. Yet the time torments me.
The longer time goes by the worse the lonliness gets. It's starting to be unbearable.
The lack of affection. The lack of a connection.
The lack of John.

I can't make up for his absence. Even when sweet Lily sleeps next to my head in the bed at night I still feel the cool sheets on my side of where a warm, sweet man used to lay. He would open his arm and I would rest my head on his chest until I fell asleep. Then he would carefully remove his arm after it went completely numb... and I was sound asleep. He said sometimes he just wouldn't be able to sleep and he would watch me. I felt bad sometimes because I would be in the middle of a conversation with him and then without notice I would fall the sleep in mid sentence. LOL. And by the next morning I couldn't recall what the jibberish was about. And he would recite it to me and we would laugh at the obsurdity.

so tomorrow I fly. without john.
with anxiety medication.
to see my beautiful sister.
to see my favorite band.
to keep on living my life. without John.


ilymtli

dream/nightmare

I am back to blogging. My lap top is being tempermental....it's currently getting some affection by Philip to bring it back to life hopefully.
Oh my goodness I can't believe tomorrow I go back to school.
A different school but school none the less. It's pre-planning week. Time to get my act together. A fresh start at a new school.
I am already loving my relationship I have developed with Nicole. She understands loss... as she also had to deal with it herself when she lost her father at age 12.
My principal rocks. I like her a lot already. I am entering this new school year with good intentions. with as sense of "I can do this." I want to say I am positive. But as I have mentioned before I am a realist.

Two nights ago I attended a goodbye party for a friend. And I went home that night and texted John (yes, I text John still...) and I told him I needed to see his face and wanted to dream about him. Weirdly, the text worked. I had a John dream. But I wake up and sometimes feel worse. I get to see him and then I wake up and feel bad. I come back to the reality that he's not here. So, maybe it's less like a dream and more like a nightmare?
The other day I was going through stuff and found John's dream journal. I gave it to him towards the beginning of our relationship. When John and I first started dating he was REALLY into dreams. In fact before we "officially" dated he had been really into lucid dreaming.
I remember one night after a party I took him and a bunch of his friends to Whataburger late at night... like 3am. John always got Taquitos. Well, he left his phone in my car.
I remember finding it in the car and I opened it up... curious.
The main screen said this "Are you dreaming?"
I was all like "wtf???"
I called him. Told him I had his phone and when he came to get it from me I asked what it meant. He then explained his fascination with lucid dreaming and how sometimes he had to make sure if he was dreaming or not. Talk about freaky. Eventually John stopped lucid dreaming. It started to freak him out too.... he told me his phone helped him and also in dreams he would look at his hands and if they weren't visible or if they were swirling that meant he was in a dream.
I remember a couple days after John died I sat on the stairs and stared at my hands. I wanted them to swirl so bad. I wanted it all to be a bad dream. A nightmare after all. I stared at them for 10 minutes. SWIRL GOD DAMNIT! This isn't real!!!! But of course they didn't swirl. I wasn't dreaming. I was stuck in a real life nightmare and there was no waking up.

Even though John stopped lucid dreaming his obsession with dreams never stopped. He was quite jealous of my vivid dreams and my RECALL of them. His recall was bad. He would forget them easily. So, I bought him a leather dream journal. He used it ONCE. He wrote about a dream he had... and started to write about a second. He started off saying "this dream had importance..."
and that's it. It kills me inside to wonder what it could have been about. What had it been about? It will be another unanswered question for the rest of my life.
John's interest in dreams never went away. I remember seeing the preview for Inception with him. He was PUMPED. He couldn't wait to see it. After watching the movie all I could think about was how John would have LOVED the movie. He would have seen it more than once. He would want to have it on DVD. I wish he would have gotten a chance to go and see it with me. Oh the conversation we would have had on the way home.

Now I am having John dreams. They hurt. I wake up sad. My chest heavy. My heart sometimes racing. Last night I kept dreaming of John's blue feet. I know, so morbid. But it's an image that is burned into my head. it's there all the time. I touched his cold, blue feet. I tickled them. And to not get a response... was terrifying. And in my dream last night that's how I knew he was dead too. All I saw were his feet.
And it happened multiple times. A bad movie playing in my mind. On repeat. Enough already. Can't I just have a dream where John and I kiss each other or have hot sex or get married or have a baby? Why do I have to have these heart wrenching dreams where I keep losing him? Why can't I even have him in my dreams? In a place where anything can happen. I can't keep him even then? How unfair my own mind is being to me.

Two nights ago I had both John AND Mr. Kusy in my dream. As if one dead person wasn't enough. Let's go ahead and add another tragic loss to my life. Two people I cared about very much. There. Meeting together in a dream. Never in real life.

I am praying tonight I get a break.
I get good sleep. Good dreams.
I want to wake up and not have to reach for my anxiety medication right away to keep from entering a full blown panic attack.
Time is going on. This may be getting harder.

john dreams. again.

Had another dream about John last night.
I guess I asked for it.
I mean... i was upset that I couldn't even remember a single dream. and now here i am. with dreams with a john that to me... is living... is breathing... is laughing and speaking to me.
we were at the house again.
I was aware that John had myocarditis and that he was going to die. that day.
I told him.
He didn't want to believe me. At first he refused to listen.
I finally convinced him. I was pulling on him and in desperation "John you need to go to the hospital... we don't have much time!!!"
John got in his car. It wasn't his cadillac in my dream. this was some sporty convertible.
i told John to constantly call me and let me know where he was and what was going on. When he called from the hospital he said they were making him wait 45 minutes. I yelled "No no! tell them we know you have myocarditis. you only have 15 minutes left!!"

that was the end of that dream.
then it went on to the next.
me with my friends from Chiefs on a trip to see the Taj Mahal. (sp?)
It was beautiful.


Dreams are so random.
With the John dreams I am always AWARE he is either dead or going to die. And I am trying to save him. This is me not wanting to let it be...
Because my mind i tricking me into thinking I could have done something.
But it's done.
My baby is no longer here.
He can't pick me up off the couch anymore when I fall asleep watching TV and carry me to bed.
He can' t bring up the laundry.
He can't take trips with me and squeeze my hand when the plane takes flight.
He can't stay up with me at night and talk ourselves to sleep.
He can't help me plan for our wedding. pick our colors. pick out cake flavors. pick out flowers... etc..


anyway.
back to dream land.
and i hope the man of my dream meets me there tonight.
it's a date.

hair.

Today I cut my hair.
My "wedding" hair.

Today is exactly 2 months since I hugged John for the last time and kissed his warm lips the morning of April 22.

And I thought today was a good day for a hair cut.
Something fresh.
Something easy.
Something different.

Why did I call my previous hair my wedding hair?
Some of my friends knew the story. When I decided that I was going to marry John... and when we discussed it and knew for a fact it was in our future... I at the time had cut my hair off very short.
So. I was like... if I am going to have pretty hair for my wedding and options with it I am going to grow it out.
And I did. And I grew it out for quite some time.
For years.
Last October I chopped it off 8 inches because it was getting a little bit too long. My school ID looks like I am wearing a sash. we call it "sash hair."
I knew that I had some to grow it out some because John hadn't even proposed yet. I knew I would have months to grow it out once he proposed.
But.
There is no more wedding.
And so today... I cut my hair. I chopped it off.
I wasn't sad.
I didn't regret it.
And yes, it has pink in it.
Because.
WHY THE HELL NOT?!

Last night I had a dream I got a tattoo with Annie. Now part of me is kind of wanting one.
But for a person with problems makin decisions in my life. how could i possibly pick out a tattoo that is going to stay on my body for the rest of my life??

I also had another dream.
a dream that made me hate waking up.
yes, a john dream.
he was alive. I was given a second chance!!! He came back.
but we knew he couldn't stay.
somehow we knew he would die again.
so, I told him... "john, lets go down to the courthouse and just get married."
he agreed.
i ran upstairs and got a dress together and created my own sort of "blusher" by cutting up some material. how we had this material? i don't know.
John's dad let John have his wedding band. which actually in my dream looks like my brother's wedding band.
but as I was getting everyone ready to go... john wanted to take a nap on the couch. I kept telling john "no! no, you can't nap! You won't wake up!" I knew that if John fell asleep he would be gone again. he would die again.
and for some reason I wanted to marry him first.
even in my dreams I am longing to be his wife.
so much I would sacrifice the dream ceremony.
just to be his wife.
just for him to be my husband.
just so i can say I am Autumn Seay.
for 5 years I practiced writing that last name over and over on scrap paper by the computer.

autumn seay.
autumn seay.
autumn seay.
Autumn Seay.
Autumn Grace Seay.

I got the S just right! It was beautiful. Sometimes I made the S look like a treble clef. Nerdy.
But neat that you can do that with that letter.

after john proposed... a week later i changed my bank account sign in name to Autumn Seay.
I can always change it back. but i dont want to. i'll keep it for now. because it's the only chance i will have to use it.



tomorrow i am sending john a note on a balloon. it's pink and a heart.
it represents my heart.
and it will fly up high.
and he will read it.
and eventually it will fall back to earth.
and get caught in a tree.
and the heart will deflate.
kind of like my heart now.

Am I a Widow?

I woke up this morning upset.

I had a dream about John. It was so fresh for 5 minutes.... then it faded away. I know it was a happy one. I know that it was about something good.

But I think my medication doesn't allow me to have the vivid dreams that I once had. The dreams that John was jealous of. He was OBSESSED with dreams. He always wanted to know about them and share the ones that he could remember. One of the first gifts I ever gave him was a dream journal. He wrote two entries and that was it. One day I will come upon it. And it will make me cry... just like everything else that I find.

So... I sat in bed mopey today. I eventually forced myself to go downstairs and make breakfast. Raheann's mother-in-law wanted to help me out but really I was only in the mood to be with my own thoughts. I didn't want to be bothered by people trying to help. I know how awful that sounds but sometimes I feel like a 5 year old saying "no, mommy. i can do it."

While I was eating breakfast I read some blogs from some friends of mine... and also from a girl I have to yet to met yet... named Starr. She has a blog about being a widow and it helps a lot to read it. She is about a year and a half ahead of me in this process. And it helps peek into a future of what may come of this. On her side tab she has links to other widow and widower blogs.

I clicked on them. Most of these people have children. Or they were married.

I wanted to find someone in my situation. That lost a fiance.... but when I went to the search bar I didn't know what to type in. WHAT AM I?!

I think I consider myself a widow.

I mean John and I were together for 5 and a half years. We were engaged and he made a promise to be with me forever. The only thing missing was the paperwork. I def. don't consider myself a girlfriend.

Am I a widow?

How can I find someone like me?

Luckily I have Andi.

She lost her husband of 6 months.

exactly 1 month before i lost John.

she found me.

God placed us together.

And we talk daily.

We walk the widow road together on the same path.

we even take our ambien together the same time at night and text each other "goodnight."

And I have Nicolle. Who can TOTALLY relate to my situation. Although she has had over a year of grieving done with the death of her husband. He too died from heart failure. So, I feel the connection we have is very near and dear to me. She gets me. I get her. Sometimes though I get nervous that I am bringing everything back up again for her. So, I am cautious with how I approach her and our discussions. Although when John died.... I immediately wanted to get in contact with her. And I did. And it was a great decision and she helped a lot.

I also started tapping into all these widow websites... widow camps... widow forums...

there is a lot of people out there going through what I am. Although we all have different ways we got there. No one that I know has the story that I have.

I think my story is one in a million.

I am interested in seeing if there is someone out there that lost their loved one to myocarditis. I think that would be extremely helpful.

No one likes to feel alone.

And this is NOT a club I ever wanted to be part of. Especially freshly engaged and at the age of 26. It is miserable. And the worst part is the friends and family around you that love and comfort you cannot even relate a single bit. And they feel bad. And that makes me feel bad. They won't get it unless it happens to them. And I would never want it to. Ever.

under pressure

pressure.
i am starting to feel the pressure around me. the pressure to start feeling better.
and the crazy thing is... I just lost John. and the numbness just started to wear off that he's not here anymore.
and so it's like a totally new loss. it's like experiencing it all over again.
i don't even think people mean to pressure me sometimes. they just do.
my dad mentioned to me that "he isn't coming back..." i am very aware of this. i think about this constantly. from the moment i wake up in the morning to the moment my ambien puts me to sleep.
and i think the problem is that others need ME to feel better before they can start to feel better.
they don't want to feel guilty for moving on if i haven't.
and let me tell you. i will NOT be moving on anytime soon. so, if you are waiting for me... you'll be waiting a long time.
i gave my whole heart to John Seay. he was my everything. he was my life and my future. so, pardon me if i am not moving on fast enough for you.

but then there are people i feel who have moved on way too fast.
but then again i feel this way about the world in general. people getting engaged literally a week after John died. people having weddings... attending weddings...
people outside laughing and grilling out and partying.
the world kept spinning when john left the earth. it didn't stop. people went on with their everyday lives and i got stuck here. in this place. in this dark, miserable place without john.
and i am trying to continue my life because i have to. because that is what john would want me to do.
but it is so hard.
because everyone continues their lives from where they left off.
and i am still at that point. the part where i left off. i can't pick up where i left off because John was my life. My life came crumbling down. I don't know where to possibly begin here.

I came to Tallahassee this weekend with Evan to visit some friends.
it was a good decision. it has gotten my mind off of things. but it also has reminded me of a lot of things... from the past... the earlier days of our relationship. i passed the stadium. where i took away john's mallet and where we marched in chiefs together and watched football together. where we went to the university club and tailgated after games with family.
i passed john's old apartment... where we first "Met" and where he and I started our relationship... where we found Cecilia and where we would watch drum corps DVDs and play video games together until 4 am.
i passed my old place... where John basically moved in with me, andrea and kelly. where we would have the themed parties...where john gave us all valentine gifts... where we watched movies in the living room and experimented with recipes and dinners.
i passed restaurants we used to visit... and places we said "one day we will go there..."

we had so many plans. to live out. together.

i woke up this morning with a horrible stomach ache. i usually do now in the morning because once I wake up all I think about is John. It doesn't help I had another John dream last night. Once again i knew he was going to die and that he was sick. but i kept showing up too late and finding him dead.
it must have happened in the dream multiple times. definitely something that would make anyone wake up with stomach aches.
and once i am awake i just sit in bed and go over reality.
and then i get sad.
and then i feel sick.

Dreams

The first two days after John's death I didn't dream about him. I was terribly upset about this because this was the only way I would be able to see his face anymore. (that and the thousands of pictures I have taken since we have dated).
Then, the third night I had my first John dream. I have dreamt about him ever since. Sometimes the dreams are very real. Sometimes I sort of know I am dreaming.
I have had a dream where John is trying to break up with me. Don't ask me why because that never happened. I think it was my mind's way of trying to make it ok. Because if he broke up with me it would be a lot easier than him dying. I rather him be walking around the Earth without me at least... but still here living his full life. But, this isn't the case. When John left this world we happened to be in the happiest point of our life. We were on cloud 9 and nothing could bring us down from it. Or so we thought I guess.
There was one night I had a dream... it was quite awful and I woke up very emotional from it. In the dream I knew John was sick and I knew it was important to get him to see a doctor. I kept saying "John lets go to the doctor..." I was pulling his arm and trying to get him out the door. He kept shaking his head saying "Autumn, I'm already dead." It was horrifying. Mainly because it's true. I can't fix anything. I can't go back and tell John to go to the doctor. Maybe something is wrong. Because what happened... can't be undone and I hate that most of all. I can't change any of this. And of course I have been through this denial stage. DAILY.
I should have come home on time.
I should have told John to see a doctor.
I should have had his mom go check on him.

Luckily, I don't have many of these regrets. I regret him dying but when I left him that morning we were completely in love. We said I love you. He said I looked cute. We laughed at how loud the boys were downstairs. We kissed. We cuddled.
I can't regret this part.

Last night my dream was dissapointing again.
John once again was aware he was going to die. So, we decided that before he left we would try for a baby. So, even though he eventually left me in the dream... I knew I was carrying our child. A perfect balance of John's features and mine. Then the next part...
I had a dream where everyone from TCI was putting on a concert in John's honor. Matt Verberg and Cliff were singing ( I know this part is just as odd...) and then all around us all these buildings popped up. They were all the landmarks that John and I had visited while he was alive. The Eiffel tower, the colleseum, the mountains of colorado, the skyscrapers of New York, etc. etc. They were surronding us during this concert.
Then I woke up. And I just sat in bed for an hour contemplating the dream. I cried. I cried because I knew that I would never be able to have that beautiful child I dreamt of having with him. The one we talked about in bed sometimes that would hopefully have my ears and his nose. The daddy's girl with that Seay curly hair and the Hassell personality.
And so... another reason nights are tough. Because you never know what is going to happen in your dreams and how you are going to react when you wake up the next morning realizing it was just that. a dream.