Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Am I a Widow?

I woke up this morning upset.
I had a dream about John. It was so fresh for 5 minutes.... then it faded away. I know it was a happy one. I know that it was about something good.
But I think my medication doesn't allow me to have the vivid dreams that I once had. The dreams that John was jealous of. He was OBSESSED with dreams. He always wanted to know about them and share the ones that he could remember. One of the first gifts I ever gave him was a dream journal. He wrote two entries and that was it. One day I will come upon it. And it will make me cry... just like everything else that I find.
So... I sat in bed mopey today. I eventually forced myself to go downstairs and make breakfast. Raheann's mother-in-law wanted to help me out but really I was only in the mood to be with my own thoughts. I didn't want to be bothered by people trying to help. I know how awful that sounds but sometimes I feel like a 5 year old saying "no, mommy. i can do it."

While I was eating breakfast I read some blogs from some friends of mine... and also from a girl I have to yet to met yet... named Starr. She has a blog about being a widow and it helps a lot to read it. She is about a year and a half ahead of me in this process. And it helps peek into a future of what may come of this. On her side tab she has links to other widow and widower blogs.
I clicked on them. Most of these people have children. Or they were married.
I wanted to find someone in my situation. That lost a fiance.... but when I went to the search bar I didn't know what to type in. WHAT AM I?!
I think I consider myself a widow.
I mean John and I were together for 5 and a half years. We were engaged and he made a promise to be with me forever. The only thing missing was the paperwork. I def. don't consider myself a girlfriend.
Am I a widow?
How can I find someone like me?

Luckily I have Andi.
She lost her husband of 6 months.
exactly 1 month before i lost John.
she found me.
God placed us together.
And we talk daily.
We walk the widow road together on the same path.
we even take our ambien together the same time at night and text each other "goodnight."

And I have Nicolle. Who can TOTALLY relate to my situation. Although she has had over a year of grieving done with the death of her husband. He too died from heart failure. So, I feel the connection we have is very near and dear to me. She gets me. I get her. Sometimes though I get nervous that I am bringing everything back up again for her. So, I am cautious with how I approach her and our discussions. Although when John died.... I immediately wanted to get in contact with her. And I did. And it was a great decision and she helped a lot.

I also started tapping into all these widow websites... widow camps... widow forums...
there is a lot of people out there going through what I am. Although we all have different ways we got there. No one that I know has the story that I have.
I think my story is one in a million.
I am interested in seeing if there is someone out there that lost their loved one to myocarditis. I think that would be extremely helpful.
No one likes to feel alone.
And this is NOT a club I ever wanted to be part of. Especially freshly engaged and at the age of 26. It is miserable. And the worst part is the friends and family around you that love and comfort you cannot even relate a single bit. And they feel bad. And that makes me feel bad. They won't get it unless it happens to them. And I would never want it to. Ever.

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