dear friend

You must understand, friends.

That I am allowed to be angry. For all the days that I am strong, chipper, and facing the world with the smile... I am allowed days of anger, grief, sadness...

because that's all part of this journey.

As a friend I don't expect you to be at my beck and call every 24 hours. Although some of you have mentioned that I can call you anytime. I trust those who have mentioned this.

I do not try to drag everyone down into my problems. That's why I blog. So, if one is offended then you just have to stop reading. Because, the whole purpose of this is to express myself.

Someone commented yesterday that "the reason your friends stop calling you is because they want to LIVE."

Probably one of the most selfish things I have heard.

I am offended and just plain taken aback.

I would NEVER stop calling a friend if they are in pain. This is the time you want to call them MORE. Or else... why would they be a friend? To only have them in the good times in your life?What a waste of a relationship.

Helen Keller once said:“Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light.”

I couldn't agree more. Why it may be easy to go on with your happy life that doesn't mean to abandon those in need. I know it's easy to dismiss this with a "you have to move on." But that doesn't just happen. And it takes time. It's only been 9 months. My wound is still healing. It's in fact very fresh. So, perhaps it would be best to try and imagine what it would be like to be in my shoes. It's awful, huh? I wouldn't want to do it either. I am living the nightmare everyone is afraid to face. I lost the one thing I can never replace completely. Along with the future we had planned together. And with sorrow comes the support of friends. They are my stake in the ground.... and I am the vine that grows around it. With the stake I can grow taller... reaching towards the light. without it... I whither away.

I need my friends.

And I hope they feel they need me.

I know they do.

As a friend I feel like I have a lot to offer.

And I know that John wouldn't want me to lose those I love most because of his death. But I am sure he would also want me to be taken care of.

It isn't that I am not learning to find my own way.

I do that day to day.

But part of who you are is the people you surround yourself with.

A friend makes that phone call. As uncomfortable as it may be... it means the world. A friend invites me to lunch, coffee, or a movie. I don't expect you to pay. I don't expect you to pick me up. I will meet you there. We can talk about anything. It doesn't have to be about John. And if you want to talk about John... I am more than willing. I love sharing our stories and our love. Thats how I keep him alive.

A friend reaches out when I am at my worst.

When I cry out for help it's usually for a good reason.

When the pain gets tough... it's nice to have someone there to hug, hold, and cry on.

Did their LIFE stop when they offered their help? Absolutely not. They are doing what I would do for them. They care. They want to continue the bonds made before John's death and make them stronger even after.

There are two ways we can make it out of this:

1) I lose you.

You stop calling. You can't handle my burden. You float off into your own world. You become distant. You say something rude. You make me feel guilty for having grief. You never take time to listen or be sympathetic or empathetic. You lack the compassion to carry on a mature relationship with someone.

2) Our friendship grows stronger than ever.

We pick up where we left off and build on what we have using lessons learned from John's death. That you never know where life can take you and to cherish the people you have in your life that LOVE you. You share your LIFE with me rather than "moving on" with it. You remember me and you remember my John. You don't forget the milestones. You offer help. You listen and offer advice. You become a person I can rely on. Our relationship becomes stronger than ever before.

It's really something I have no control over.

As much as I would love to keep all of my friends... it wouldn't surprise me if I lose a couple. And it just breaks my heart.

Friends, do not give up on me.

For I would never give up on you.

And neither would John.

He wouldn't want his death to cause me to lose more loved ones.

Losing people after a traumatic loss due to the fact of their own misunderstandings is adding insult to injury. Why add to the pain? Loss is loss. Losing John PLUS people I care about immensely... makes no sense.

Please watch your words.

Please think twice before you speak.

Your words are ammunition.

And some have wounded me with their words.

Take a step back. from yourself. from your computer.

reflect on all the things you have.

Now, pick your favorite thing.

Maybe it's your husband, your child, your pet, your job...

now. take it away. imagine it was taken from you. INSTANTLY. SUDDENLY. UNEXPECTANTLY.

Feel the hurt.

Feel the confusion.

Feel the emptiness.

You lost your world.

But now come back... and realize it's not really gone because it was just imaginary.

Mine is not.

Mine is a reality.

What does it take to get you to understand, friend?

Am I a Widow?

I woke up this morning upset.

I had a dream about John. It was so fresh for 5 minutes.... then it faded away. I know it was a happy one. I know that it was about something good.

But I think my medication doesn't allow me to have the vivid dreams that I once had. The dreams that John was jealous of. He was OBSESSED with dreams. He always wanted to know about them and share the ones that he could remember. One of the first gifts I ever gave him was a dream journal. He wrote two entries and that was it. One day I will come upon it. And it will make me cry... just like everything else that I find.

So... I sat in bed mopey today. I eventually forced myself to go downstairs and make breakfast. Raheann's mother-in-law wanted to help me out but really I was only in the mood to be with my own thoughts. I didn't want to be bothered by people trying to help. I know how awful that sounds but sometimes I feel like a 5 year old saying "no, mommy. i can do it."

While I was eating breakfast I read some blogs from some friends of mine... and also from a girl I have to yet to met yet... named Starr. She has a blog about being a widow and it helps a lot to read it. She is about a year and a half ahead of me in this process. And it helps peek into a future of what may come of this. On her side tab she has links to other widow and widower blogs.

I clicked on them. Most of these people have children. Or they were married.

I wanted to find someone in my situation. That lost a fiance.... but when I went to the search bar I didn't know what to type in. WHAT AM I?!

I think I consider myself a widow.

I mean John and I were together for 5 and a half years. We were engaged and he made a promise to be with me forever. The only thing missing was the paperwork. I def. don't consider myself a girlfriend.

Am I a widow?

How can I find someone like me?

Luckily I have Andi.

She lost her husband of 6 months.

exactly 1 month before i lost John.

she found me.

God placed us together.

And we talk daily.

We walk the widow road together on the same path.

we even take our ambien together the same time at night and text each other "goodnight."

And I have Nicolle. Who can TOTALLY relate to my situation. Although she has had over a year of grieving done with the death of her husband. He too died from heart failure. So, I feel the connection we have is very near and dear to me. She gets me. I get her. Sometimes though I get nervous that I am bringing everything back up again for her. So, I am cautious with how I approach her and our discussions. Although when John died.... I immediately wanted to get in contact with her. And I did. And it was a great decision and she helped a lot.

I also started tapping into all these widow websites... widow camps... widow forums...

there is a lot of people out there going through what I am. Although we all have different ways we got there. No one that I know has the story that I have.

I think my story is one in a million.

I am interested in seeing if there is someone out there that lost their loved one to myocarditis. I think that would be extremely helpful.

No one likes to feel alone.

And this is NOT a club I ever wanted to be part of. Especially freshly engaged and at the age of 26. It is miserable. And the worst part is the friends and family around you that love and comfort you cannot even relate a single bit. And they feel bad. And that makes me feel bad. They won't get it unless it happens to them. And I would never want it to. Ever.