UGH

Today I walked for a cause.

For Andi.

For Rob.

Today there was "out of the darkness" walk for suicide awareness. If you didn't know.... my very good friend Andi lost her husband to suicide. Even though we lost our loved ones in completely different ways... a loss is a loss. Both of us are convinced that John and Rob brought us together. I was glad to be there to walk with Andi... but it was heartbreaking to see so many there... all these people losing those they love to suicide. But, at least Andi could see that she isn't alone. I really wish there was a stronger support system for those who lost someone to myocarditis. But it's just so rare. I haven't met one widow yet that has experienced what I have.

After the walk we went to lunch.

I remember feeling really tired. And just out of it.

Then I got home and immediately jumped in my bed and slept for 4 hours. I woke up feeling horrible. My head was pounding. I was a bit shaky. What's wrong with me?

Oh.

4 days ago I went down on my medication.

We (me and my doctor) decided to split it in half. Because eventually I don't want to take it anymore. So, I started having withdrawl today. I knew it would happen because it's happened before. when i tried to quit cold turkey on my own. It was a horrible feeling. I hated it. It was so horrible that I immediately had to take my medication to start feeling better again. It was unbearable.

So... even though it's only half medication it's still affecting me.

I feel like poop.

I just hope it doesn't last long.

Now I am just sitting here. Horrible acid reflux.

uggghhhh.

This is terrible.

I have counseling tomorrow and once again haven't done my timeline yet. I just can't do it. It's painful. First, I have a problem with perfection. If i am going to do this timeline I want to do it right. I want to do it perfect. And I am avoiding going through the memories. Because in my mind I know that the worst part about this timeline is that it ends. There will be an end to it all. Our story is over.

:(

Honorary Seay

I have made my way back to my second home: North Carolina.

I am in a familiar place with familiar, loving faces. My brother, my sister-in-law and my 3 nieces. I also met up with my dad and puppy here. That's right... my dad took Lily up on his own and now has declared I will no be getting her back. ha.

I usually make my way up here for he holidays. Last year the family actually came to me for Christmas. But, even when I would fly up here (with John) we always left in time to have Christmas Eve and Christmas with John's family. It will be weird... not going to their house for Christmas. I will not be in Florida until Dec. 28... the day after my birthday. I will not be attending the Christmas Eve dinner with the Seays or attending the Christmas Eve service with John's dad at his church. Where we sing Silent Night holding candles in the dark and everyone doesn't know the second and third verses. And John rolls his eyes as I sing in harmony. :) I will not be waking up in the Seay house this year and watching the boys unwrap their gifts.... or doing my gift exchange with my secret Santa. It's all changing. Although I am with my family here... I am still leaving behind my family there. It really makes me feel torn. I always felt that way at Christmas anyway. But, I just wanted to make John happy. I wanted to experience a big family Christmas. And it makes me so sad to know that I lost part of that.

But... I have something to be thankful for. Something I feel many widows don't have to be thankful for. I am still VERY close with John's family. I have met many who have lost their spouse/boyfriend/fiance and have found that the relationship with the family of their loved one have dramatically deminished if not completely fallen apart. Death can turn people against one another. People want to point blame. They want to ignore what happened. They want to disconnect from the reminder of their loss. And often times that means disconnecting from the person that was closest to them. Their wife. Their fiance. Theiur girlfriend. It's a tragic story. But one I am thankfully not having to experience. I think the bond that I created with John's family before his death has reflected a lot in the relationship I have with him after his death. I mean., this was like my second family. I lived with them. I took family vacations with them. When they did something as a family... I was right there with them... holding on to John's arm. A big part of why our relationship has stayed so strong is because the type of people John's family is. They are some of the most loving, thoughtful, sacrificing people you will meet on this planet. Especially Jim Seay.

When I went over for Jim's birthday the other day I was immediately greeted with a hug as I entered the house. Then Jim asked me if I wanted to take a ride with him to pick up the boys. In the car Jim started to burst into tears and let me know he was having a hard day. He said all he wanted for his birthday was John. I lost it two. And there we were. A familiar picture. Jim and Autumn crying together. We are comfortable doing this. We aren't ashamed. We know that it's ok to cry... and then we quickly try to compose ourselves. We picked up the boys and then went back to the house for birthday festivities. Whenever we have our family gatherings now there is just something missing. Obviously John. It's so obvious. It's on everyone's mind. And it drives me crazy that it isn't mentioned. I just want to scream it out sometimes "anyone else notice who's missing????" I always feel like John needs to be recognized. That he's being left out and forgotten. He should be there celebrating with us.

During gift opening I had a mild breakdown. I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for about 15 minutes. What set me off? A gift Sarah had made for Jim... DVD's that were a compilation of all their VHS tapes of home videos. Many were of the kids... younger versions of John, Annie, Billy and Henry. Although I did not know this younger version of John Seay... it reminded me of how he was gone. And what remained were things such as these. Video tapes. Proving his existence. John used to always talk about these video tapes and we were always supposed to watch them together and laugh. I cannot imagine the strength it will take for any of his family members to watch these now. For it is something I would not be able to do yet.

When it was time for me to leave Jim walked me outside to the car and hugged me. We sobbed some more and I told him how thankful I was and how lucky I was to have them still in my life. I explained not everyone had that. Jim then told me something that was very insightful. He told me that when he got to Heaven and stood face to face with his son that he would want him to be proud of the way he took care of me and treated me. Jim feels like taking care of me is something that John would want him to do. And I know that John would want me to take care of his family too. And it makes sense. John would never want us to lose the bond it took so many years to create. They are my family. They will always be my family. John is our link and he will remain a strong link throughout my lifetime. Thank God for that. I honestly don't know what I would do without his family. I would surely be lost and I would WAY behind in this journey and process. I know I would be a complete mess without their support and love. How could anyone else be so heartless? How could others turn their backs on those who were loved by their sons? It just doesn't make sense. Wouldn't they want to honor their sons by continuing that love that their child had displayed for another? Wouldn't they see the example that was set before them? How selfish and cold can someone possibly be to cut off this person from their lives? It really sickens me.

I have started reading a book titled "Im grieving as Fast as I can." FINALLY! A book for YOUNG widows! So far everything I have read I can relate to. If you are a young widow I am telling you right now... GET THIS BOOK. You can get it for really cheap on half.com. I think I got mine for 1.50. No kidding. I even bought one for my friend Andi. I am going to post some things from the book later and bring up some interesting points from it. Some things I feel need to be shared.

Update on John's Quilt: I have reached $1000 towards John's quilts!!! I am a few hundred away from covering costs so for that I am very pleased. Thank you to all that have helped me. You don't know how much I appreciate it. I do my best to try and return the favors. Once the quilts are in I will show a list of all donors. It's amazing how many people have helped out. I will forever be grateful. You all are my rock.

Update on mole removal: I removed stitches on my own. I'm sso brave. It was no big deal. And they were ready to go. It's healing nice... still some bruising and swelling. But, it's not as noticeable. For only being 4 days I am impressed so far. I will post a before and after pic soon :)

Update on tattoo: Was supposed to get it yesterday but Andi couldn't go with me. I will get it after the winter break.

Update on birthday: Please join me on Dec. 29th at Columbia restaurant in Celebration at 6:30pm for my birthday dinner.

Only a few more days of surviving the holidays. Then surviving my birthday. Then surviving new years... and ringing OUT 2010.

Really, let's just get this over with.

Uncomfortable

People have mentioned to me how afraid they have been to speak to me recently about John... John's death... or to even speak to me at all.

This is definitely not the case it should be.

In what other time in my life do I need people more?

Why of all times would people want to avoid me?

I lost the love of my life. I don't want to lose anyone else.



Books said I will. They said people will start showing their true colors. Because to many people... death is still a tabu thing in their life. Many people don't experience death at such a young age as myself. Most won't experience this extreme loss until furthur into their lives. And then they will be surronded by more people that have the experience. I don't have that same support. I am 26. I lost my fiance'. I am young. I had a future ahead of me.

People want to avoid things that are unpleasant. So, people will tend to avoid me. I feel like others may feel like my experience with death will taint their perfect little lives. An interuption they can't deal with right now. They feel like "well, there is nothing I can do."

They are right... somewhat.

They can't give me what i long for the most. They can't return John. They can't suture up my heart and have it completely heal.

But, not even I can do that.

Is this a reason for people to give up?

Because it's uncomfortable?

Life is UNCOMFORTABLE. It's not easy and there are struggles. My hope is that when people start feeling like "this isn't easy... talking to her..." that they only imagine what is going on in my mind. How uncomfortable almost evry situation I go through in life is.

Even church.

Today's service?

Marriage and sex.

OF COURSE.

I sit there in church listening to God's word on love and finding a perfect partner... and hearing Solomon describe his wife's boobs.

How awkward. What timing. The couples in the room are laughing. I would have been too. I would have nudged John's arm when something relevant came up. But for now I am trying to now burst into tears or show my discomfort. Luckily in the service Andi was there. With my right hand I grabbed her left. In my left hand a tissue. A tissue in her right hand. A mirror image of our uncomfortable lives. A month apart. Our lives coming together by fate. By God.



These past two days I have been spending a lot of time with James and Matthew (John's nephews). I have really enjoyed it although it is EXHAUSTING. I have jokingly told Kelly "Im not having kids..." (ha?) I don't mean it. Im terribly heartbroken I won't have a Seay baby.



Yesterday when I went out to the hall to see the boys one of them came up to me and asked "Where is Uncle John." I froze and my eyes searched for Annie's eyes. Hers were watering. So were mine. They asked again "where is Uncle John..." I can't speak. Annie is my voice. Her voice shakes with a response "Uncle John went bye bye for awhile." She looks to me and mouths the word "sorry."

I turn around and go back to my room and shut the door and cry.

But then I try and get brave. I try and compose myself and go outside to play with the boys. I ended up spending the rest of the day with them. But, I guess I should have cried more earlier. Because once I put them to bed.... I lost it. I ran into the bathroom whee Andrea was showering and asked her to keep me company. She ran me a bath and stayed in the room with me while I spilled out my feelings. I am far over being naked in front of her. I used to chase her around the house naked anyway when we were in college. (don't ask how I got so comfortable with my body... this must have been in my skinnier, tanner drum corps days).

I told Andrea many things that saddened me, pissed me off, scared me, etc.



One of the things I mentioned to Andrea was this:

A couple nights after John proposed to me I looked over at him and started to giggle. Then I said.. "oh my God!!! I can't catch bouquets anymore!" You see. I have this thing. I have this record. I am a champ when it comes to catching bouquets at weddings. The last one I caught was at my friend Danielle's wedding. John caught the garter. Mainly because the wedding before when I caught the bouquet...he didn't and hated every second of watching a drunk guy put something up my leg. LOL. He swore he wouldn't let that happen again.

So, sobbing in the bath... my tears feeling cold with the heat of the bath... I told Andrea how I would eventually be back in that single woman group that chased after a bouquet again. Chasing a dream, really.For me, it was more like giving John a hint. "John. It's my 8th bouquet! I think it's about time, baby!"

I am attending John's best friend's wedding in December. But I am sure I won't line up to catch a bouquet. Because I probably won't ever have this expression when I catch one again:

:(

Am I a Widow?

I woke up this morning upset.

I had a dream about John. It was so fresh for 5 minutes.... then it faded away. I know it was a happy one. I know that it was about something good.

But I think my medication doesn't allow me to have the vivid dreams that I once had. The dreams that John was jealous of. He was OBSESSED with dreams. He always wanted to know about them and share the ones that he could remember. One of the first gifts I ever gave him was a dream journal. He wrote two entries and that was it. One day I will come upon it. And it will make me cry... just like everything else that I find.

So... I sat in bed mopey today. I eventually forced myself to go downstairs and make breakfast. Raheann's mother-in-law wanted to help me out but really I was only in the mood to be with my own thoughts. I didn't want to be bothered by people trying to help. I know how awful that sounds but sometimes I feel like a 5 year old saying "no, mommy. i can do it."

While I was eating breakfast I read some blogs from some friends of mine... and also from a girl I have to yet to met yet... named Starr. She has a blog about being a widow and it helps a lot to read it. She is about a year and a half ahead of me in this process. And it helps peek into a future of what may come of this. On her side tab she has links to other widow and widower blogs.

I clicked on them. Most of these people have children. Or they were married.

I wanted to find someone in my situation. That lost a fiance.... but when I went to the search bar I didn't know what to type in. WHAT AM I?!

I think I consider myself a widow.

I mean John and I were together for 5 and a half years. We were engaged and he made a promise to be with me forever. The only thing missing was the paperwork. I def. don't consider myself a girlfriend.

Am I a widow?

How can I find someone like me?

Luckily I have Andi.

She lost her husband of 6 months.

exactly 1 month before i lost John.

she found me.

God placed us together.

And we talk daily.

We walk the widow road together on the same path.

we even take our ambien together the same time at night and text each other "goodnight."

And I have Nicolle. Who can TOTALLY relate to my situation. Although she has had over a year of grieving done with the death of her husband. He too died from heart failure. So, I feel the connection we have is very near and dear to me. She gets me. I get her. Sometimes though I get nervous that I am bringing everything back up again for her. So, I am cautious with how I approach her and our discussions. Although when John died.... I immediately wanted to get in contact with her. And I did. And it was a great decision and she helped a lot.

I also started tapping into all these widow websites... widow camps... widow forums...

there is a lot of people out there going through what I am. Although we all have different ways we got there. No one that I know has the story that I have.

I think my story is one in a million.

I am interested in seeing if there is someone out there that lost their loved one to myocarditis. I think that would be extremely helpful.

No one likes to feel alone.

And this is NOT a club I ever wanted to be part of. Especially freshly engaged and at the age of 26. It is miserable. And the worst part is the friends and family around you that love and comfort you cannot even relate a single bit. And they feel bad. And that makes me feel bad. They won't get it unless it happens to them. And I would never want it to. Ever.