In Your Corner....

blogging has taken a back seat lately.

for multiple reasons.

1) life.

life is happening.

2) Work

School has been kicking my ass lately.... mainly because it's MPA season. This time every year is a time to do the freak out thing. every music director goes through it. especially in orange county. the pressure on your kids performance is overwhelming. it almost takes the fun out of it. the fun out of teaching. three strangers judging you and your kids on ONE performance... and then the rest of your colleagues judge you from there.

but something happened this year.

i decided to taper off my medication. well, paxil. and it has been one hell of a ride. as in HELL. Nausea, dizziness, tingling, vomiting, dry heaving, extreme headaches, exhaustion, etc. etc.

UGH.

so, on the friday before MPA week I got terribly sick.

just, horrible.

i came to work thinking the feeling would subside like it usually does. throughout all the reading I have done it always encourages you to "get out of bed!" And i did...

but in the end i sat in my office and struggled with myself.

i couldn't stay.

when i told nicole she was furious... as i guessed she would be. i felt bad. but always hated feeling bad for feeling bad.

i honestly have done an AMAZING job of keeping my emotions out of my work life. this day it was different. i needed to go home and rest it off.

and i did.

and when i came back on monday my principal called me into her office and said i would not be conducting my bands at MPA. that nicole would take over for me.

that the stress was just too much for me.

i was just mortified.

that this is where my life had come down to.

where my emotions literally have taken control of my life. that people consider me too unstable to handle situations under pressure.

to be honest it had NOTHING to do with MPA and all to do with my medications.

as much as i begged it ended up nicole did take my band.

and they did great.

i went with nicole when her band performed. and i did break down. quietly. silently. in front of a parent actually.

because john died exactly one week after MPA last year. i remember he sent me these amazing text messages telling me what a great teacher i was and how my kids would do great because of that. he was ALWAYS in my corner.

i scanned through his last texts to me. i read the ones he sent to me last year during MPA while I was stressing out here and he was working with tci in Dayton. I hated that he wasnt around during my MPA. back then it seemed like a big deal.

now.... now that i know....

i would have skipped it all just to have a few extra days with him. by the time we both got back from our trips after MPA/Dayton we had 4 days with each other. But, they were great days. Great, great days.

which leads into #3.....

3) Ryan.

who was unexpected and now ... so appreciated. Ryan was an answer to a prayer. a prayer which i had been praying for a while now. his companionship... our relationship... has flourished in a short time and has given me a brightness inside which i have not had in a long time. it's a small bloom of a beautiful flower. i can see good things happening in it's future.... but really trying to live in the moment and enjoy now.

when i wake up everyday and go to my bathroom there is a quote on the wall that says "live one day at a time..."

this is my new motto.

and will be for the rest of my life.

with Ryan we take it one day at a time.

i do not try and compare him to John. I do not expect things from him that i once had. i only expect him to be himself. something different and new.... which is totally ok to have.

this doesn't mean i have forgotten john. nor does it mean i don't long for john's existence in my life.

all i know is that I have a new person in my corner.

someone that looks past the grief and the sorrow and sees something inside that others may not see.

he sees me.

he sees who i am.

and even maybe who i once was.

he doesn't see death.

he doesn't shun me if i cry or if i tell a memory.

he embraces it.

he doesn't give me a hard time about my emotions and the crazy roller coaster of shit that accompanies my medication withdrawal.

he says i am amazing and sweet and kind.

and beautiful.

obviously, he sees something that i can't even see....

but he says "i am in your corner... " and i know he means it.

4) withdrawal

as you may have gathered from the above writing... medication withdrawal is a BITCH. At least coming off Paxil is. I don't people quite grasp it's seriousness. and honestly i feel there are people that don't believe me when i explain it.... like i am weak and making up excuses. like i just need attention or that i need another thing in my life to feel bad about. trust me, the last thing i want is to feel like shit physically on top of what i feel emotionally.

NO ONE should have to go through this. and i wish i had done my research before i got on the meds... but in a time of crisis... in a time where all you can think about is dulling the pain... you will do anything. and medication was an answer at the time.

the other day John's dad sent me an email after i told him what happened at work and with my withdrawal. He said he was proud of me. PROUD of me for going off the meds and being strong... and he ended his email with "im in your corner.."

All these amazing people in my corner.

some very apparent and present.

some in my corner and are far away.

some ... i don't even know about but are there from a distance... thinking of me. rooting for me.

i have people who want to see me happy. they want to see me better.

they are on my side. on my team. and cheering me on. some... perhaps carrying me through sometimes.

it took some time for me to realize how many were in my corner.

but, now my eyes are opening.

and of all those people... 2 amazing men... one on Earth and one in Heaven are rooting the hardest.

You'll Never Walk Alone

I can't remember when I first started loving this song... I believe it was before I met John. Actually I know it was.

It's from the musical "Carousel." If you have never heard it please listen:

MYNWA

or listen to the Madison scouts version:

Madison Scouts

...but I know I love this song. one of my favorite musical songs of ALL TIME. All time.

The words are just perfect. And there isn't much to it really... but it really is a song to listen to in all times in your life. I remember one time in John's car (we had been dating around a year maybe... maybe more) it was my turn to choose music. I was going to put in a CD.... carousel. And of course i skipped right to my favorite part. As the music began john started to get choked up. And then he was crying. he asked me to take the cd out. the song had so much meaning to him from when he marched with Madison scouts. I never played it again in his presence. I was so surprised about the reaction it gave him. i knew john was emotional but that was the ONLY song that I ever saw him cry over.

So, I bought the musical carousel. although i love the music i had never seen the musical itself. it's kind of weird in a way.... this girl falls in love with this really not so awesome guy. like he's mean to her and he steals... and in the end he gets to somewhat redeem himself (even after smacking his daughter when he is an angel). anyway, the music is amazing.

why do the lyrics speak to me?

When you walk through a storm
Keep your chin up high
And don't be afraid of the dark.
At he end of the storm
Is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark.

Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Tho' your dreams be tossed and blown.Walk on, walk on
With hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone,
You'll never walk alone

So, there you have it. Simple yet completely true.

I often sometimes feel like i am still walking alone. even with the new addition in my life (boyfriend) i do feel like i am holding back as far as letting him know how much attention i need.

everyone is different when they are upset.

some run from their problems.

some lock it deep inside and never let another soul in.

some turn on themselves or others.

i run... to someone's arms. those arms once belonged to john. he would hold me and kiss my head and let me know "i am always in your corner." john had my back constantly. constantly. there was never any question about anything. he was on my side. and he loved me through thick and thin.

my fear now is will current bf be able to do the same?

i know he is not john. i know he is different and unique in his own way.... but i am so nervous to let him see the sad, depressed side of me. when i have a break down i really want to pick up the phone and call him. and then think twice because i risk scaring him away. magically, he hasn't been swayed yet. he's strong. and considerate.

im going to go ahead and say he's awesome.

because he is.

and i never doubted it.

but i want to be the same in his eyes. i feel bad for the things i carry with me. like my burden has now turned into OUR burden. i don't even know why i use the word burden. maybe... tragedy. what happened was a tragedy. a hurdle in my life. ok, no a hurdle. a big fucking mountain. volcano. with oozing lava. yes, hurdle my ass.

will boyfriend ever wish "man, i should have dated someone a little more normal..."

because i know i am not your average girl anymore.

i am now included in this small category. the category most men would run away from.

i guess i still find it hard that someone could love me again.

if he does love me. i mean, eventually. maybe. what??

ugh.

WHERE ARE THE DIRECTIONS TO DATING AFTER LOSING????

Can someone please tell me.

Can i get some answers pronto please?

why do i have to do this on my own?

with my crazy brain.

which has only gotten crazier since i am weening myself off Paxil.

I am at 10mg now. and in a few more days I am going off completely!! which is scary. but by then i hope boyfriend will be there to comfort me through.

he is pretty comforting already. and so understanding.

the other day in the car i told him the story. the story of April 22.

he sat and listened the whole time. holding my hand and rubbing my arm. i did a pretty good job of not crying. i told the story as if it has been imprinted on my tongue. and it just rolls off. i try not to think of it deeply. unless i am alone. i got misty at the end. and when i looked at him he wasn't opening his car door and jumping out. he was still ok. he was still attracted to me. he still liked me. and that makes it much better.

just say no to drugs

lately my body has been experiencing a lot of various things. mostly things i am not very fond of. i am having a hard time separating my physical feelings into what it's cause it.

is it grief?

is it my medication?

is it something not even related to either?

i feel as if i have become somewhat of a hypocondriac. i visit the doctor way more than a normal person should. if i have a sign of anything... i go to the doctor. part of this is driven by the fact that we didn't take john to the doctor. we didn't think it was anything serious because honestly his symptoms were mild compared to some i have experienced with a flu. so, out of caution i do tend to frequent the doctors offices.

but a huge part of me knows that coming off medication is doing this to me.

even though i am doing it slowly...

i am pissed that i ever started it.

when John died all I felt was hurt and pain. it hurt so bad that i didn't think i was going to survive. i thought surely my body couldn't handle the extra pain and stress it was going through. and it was making me sick....literally. i couldnt sleep. i couldn't eat. i was dry heaving. i couldnt stop crying.

so i wanted to make it stop. i wanted the pain to hurt less. i wanted to feel as if i could make it. so, i caved in to anti depressants.

i believed that was the answer for the time being.

and perhaps it was.

but it's no panacea.

i still grieved. i still hurt. i still had restless nights. just maybe a little less intense than before. but now... now i have my regrets. why didn't i just let my body go through the process on it's own? i mean, our bodies are meant to go through it.... and i have God by my side. why couldn't i just trust Him enough? I am not saying that if you believe in God you don't need medication. but as far as me... i think i could have made it without them.

but i made my decision.

and now i am paying for it.

lately my body has been tormenting me.

one day i am fine and then the next i feel like absolute shit.

first, i am always dizzy. sometimes i feel like i am going to pass out at any moment. my body feels faint...but i never fall. i wonder why it doesn't happen.

my heart rate is it's usual crazy speed. over 100 bpm. that's freaking ridiculous!!!!! i have always had a high pulse and some people say "oh it's normal" and others say "you should get that checked out." so i am left here concerned.

another doctor's visit???? really?! great. more paranoia.

my throat has been bothering me for over a month. it's some mild sinus infection... also causing fluid in my ear.

so on top of paxil and wellbutrin and clonazapam... i added amoxicillan. Oh, and birth control pills.

my eating habits have changed. i went through a period where i could barely eat and now i am only eating certain types of foods. i feel like a hormonal pregnant woman.

oh and heartburn.

i have tons of heartburn. and acid reflux. it makes eating uncomfortable. now i have to be super cautious about spicy food. which i love!!!

on top of that my tongue (which is half paralyzed) has been extra tingly. it's bothersome. when i think about it. and now i am. and now i am mad again. wish i would have never gotten my wisdom teeth out. :(

tummy aches. woke up this morning with a big tummy ache and had to deal with it all night.

i also woke up with a mild panic attach i think which was triggered by a dream.

oh. and my hands shake. i have no control over it. its not very noticeable. but i had up a dvd to my friend the other night and she noticed it right away. i was embarassed and put the dvd down quickly. i feel like i am 80 years old.

sometimes i feel as if i am in a trance or paralyzed.

where i cant get out of the bed or when i lose my thoughts and forget where i am. i have short term memory now. i will forget the DUMBEST things.

oh yes. dry mouth.

HORRIBLE.

so, i went to Godiva today for my free chocolate. i got a truffle. i decide to eat it as i walk into banana republic....

i take a bite of half and go into full panic when irealize i can't swallow it and its stuck. i start gagging and coughing...nothing happens. i had to just wait for it to slide down my throat.

i just want to be normal.

UGH

Today I walked for a cause.

For Andi.

For Rob.

Today there was "out of the darkness" walk for suicide awareness. If you didn't know.... my very good friend Andi lost her husband to suicide. Even though we lost our loved ones in completely different ways... a loss is a loss. Both of us are convinced that John and Rob brought us together. I was glad to be there to walk with Andi... but it was heartbreaking to see so many there... all these people losing those they love to suicide. But, at least Andi could see that she isn't alone. I really wish there was a stronger support system for those who lost someone to myocarditis. But it's just so rare. I haven't met one widow yet that has experienced what I have.

After the walk we went to lunch.

I remember feeling really tired. And just out of it.

Then I got home and immediately jumped in my bed and slept for 4 hours. I woke up feeling horrible. My head was pounding. I was a bit shaky. What's wrong with me?

Oh.

4 days ago I went down on my medication.

We (me and my doctor) decided to split it in half. Because eventually I don't want to take it anymore. So, I started having withdrawl today. I knew it would happen because it's happened before. when i tried to quit cold turkey on my own. It was a horrible feeling. I hated it. It was so horrible that I immediately had to take my medication to start feeling better again. It was unbearable.

So... even though it's only half medication it's still affecting me.

I feel like poop.

I just hope it doesn't last long.

Now I am just sitting here. Horrible acid reflux.

uggghhhh.

This is terrible.

I have counseling tomorrow and once again haven't done my timeline yet. I just can't do it. It's painful. First, I have a problem with perfection. If i am going to do this timeline I want to do it right. I want to do it perfect. And I am avoiding going through the memories. Because in my mind I know that the worst part about this timeline is that it ends. There will be an end to it all. Our story is over.

:(