Sunday, February 27, 2011

just say no to drugs

lately my body has been experiencing a lot of various things. mostly things i am not very fond of. i am having a hard time separating my physical feelings into what it's cause it.
is it grief?
is it my medication?
is it something not even related to either?

i feel as if i have become somewhat of a hypocondriac. i visit the doctor way more than a normal person should. if i have a sign of anything... i go to the doctor. part of this is driven by the fact that we didn't take john to the doctor. we didn't think it was anything serious because honestly his symptoms were mild compared to some i have experienced with a flu. so, out of caution i do tend to frequent the doctors offices.

but a huge part of me knows that coming off medication is doing this to me.
even though i am doing it slowly...
i am pissed that i ever started it.

when John died all I felt was hurt and pain. it hurt so bad that i didn't think i was going to survive. i thought surely my body couldn't handle the extra pain and stress it was going through. and it was making me sick....literally. i couldnt sleep. i couldn't eat. i was dry heaving. i couldnt stop crying.
so i wanted to make it stop. i wanted the pain to hurt less. i wanted to feel as if i could make it. so, i caved in to anti depressants.
i believed that was the answer for the time being.
and perhaps it was.
but it's no panacea.
i still grieved. i still hurt. i still had restless nights. just maybe a little less intense than before. but now... now i have my regrets. why didn't i just let my body go through the process on it's own? i mean, our bodies are meant to go through it.... and i have God by my side. why couldn't i just trust Him enough? I am not saying that if you believe in God you don't need medication. but as far as me... i think i could have made it without them.
but i made my decision.
and now i am paying for it.

lately my body has been tormenting me.
one day i am fine and then the next i feel like absolute shit.
first, i am always dizzy. sometimes i feel like i am going to pass out at any moment. my body feels faint...but i never fall. i wonder why it doesn't happen.
my heart rate is it's usual crazy speed. over 100 bpm. that's freaking ridiculous!!!!! i have always had a high pulse and some people say "oh it's normal" and others say "you should get that checked out." so i am left here concerned.
another doctor's visit???? really?! great. more paranoia.
my throat has been bothering me for over a month. it's some mild sinus infection... also causing fluid in my ear.
so on top of paxil and wellbutrin and clonazapam... i added amoxicillan. Oh, and birth control pills.
my eating habits have changed. i went through a period where i could barely eat and now i am only eating certain types of foods. i feel like a hormonal pregnant woman.
oh and heartburn.
i have tons of heartburn. and acid reflux. it makes eating uncomfortable. now i have to be super cautious about spicy food. which i love!!!
on top of that my tongue (which is half paralyzed) has been extra tingly. it's bothersome. when i think about it. and now i am. and now i am mad again. wish i would have never gotten my wisdom teeth out. :(
tummy aches. woke up this morning with a big tummy ache and had to deal with it all night.
i also woke up with a mild panic attach i think which was triggered by a dream.

oh. and my hands shake. i have no control over it. its not very noticeable. but i had up a dvd to my friend the other night and she noticed it right away. i was embarassed and put the dvd down quickly. i feel like i am 80 years old.

sometimes i feel as if i am in a trance or paralyzed.
where i cant get out of the bed or when i lose my thoughts and forget where i am. i have short term memory now. i will forget the DUMBEST things.

oh yes. dry mouth.
so, i went to Godiva today for my free chocolate. i got a truffle. i decide to eat it as i walk into banana republic....
i take a bite of half and go into full panic when irealize i can't swallow it and its stuck. i start gagging and coughing...nothing happens. i had to just wait for it to slide down my throat.

i just want to be normal.

1 comment:

Emma said...

Firstly, YOU ARE NORMAL!! We are all crazy in our own way, you are just openly admitting yours on a blog! :-)
As for going on meds, or any other decision you made after losing John, please dont second guess, feel mad, dwell on did what you knew how, you did what you felt you needed at the time and going back to where you were it was what you needed, so don't be hard on yourself. Although faith, prayer etc are all so powerful, God also gave people the brains to make drugs, to make cancer treatments, to make depression meds-for a reason!!
Grief is not at all only emotional, it does crazy things to our body and all of which you have described I have heard before-so, once again, as much as you might hate it, normal!
I know these things will get easier but don't add on being mad at yourself onto all the other feelings you are experiencing. Take them as they come, feel them, work through them and I know you will once again come out even stronger than you already are!!
Good luck, Hugs, Em
(PS. as for going to the doc about things, can you really blame yourself after what happened with John and all you have gone through, I think we all would be checking everything out!!)