Friday, February 25, 2011

love triangle

people are happy about my new found relationship.

so am I.

but, I have this fear.
a couple.
they dwell inside of me.
they keep me anxious.
First, I am afraid of getting hurt. When I decide to get into a relationship it is with the intent of staying in that relationship. Of course. I guess that is everyone's intent, right? Maybe not.
My heart is now back out there.
It's being divided again. What's left of it.
And I am gradually giving it to someone else... trusting them.
I guess after what I have been through before... you think I would be able to handle the risk. But it almost makes it worse.

Second, I don't want people to forget John.
Now that I have found someone I am happy with.... I have this fear that others will want me to move on completely from my connection with John. Ok, not completely. but i fear that they think my relationship will heal everything 100% . that they won't have to worry about me anymore. that all of a sudden things are fine and good again.
i will admit... i am blinded by my feelings currently.
I cry less.
I have more smiles.
But I have not forgotten. I will never forget.

My dreams make sure of it.
My brain ensures me that the life I shared with John really did happen. The memories and the dreaming.
Last night I dreamed that John was here. And he died. And everyone in TCI blamed me.
It was sad.
I knew it wasn't my fault but no one believed me.
I woke up upset. Of course.
My John dreams are never truly pleasant. I think 10% of them have had happy endings.

I just don't want my dating life to overshadow the many years of happiness I had with John. They existed. He existed. He dwells in my heart. I had to make room for another person and now I live this odd 3 way love triangle.
I am very pleased with the way things have been going with my new ...boyfriend. hehe. boyfriend. still weird to say. but at the same time it's an exciting word.
2 weeks and I'm hooked.
he's a great guy.
and i think John would approve.

Regina Spektor worded it perfectly:

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took

And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood

And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again

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