so am I.
but, I have this fear.
they dwell inside of me.
they keep me anxious.
First, I am afraid of getting hurt. When I decide to get into a relationship it is with the intent of staying in that relationship. Of course. I guess that is everyone's intent, right? Maybe not.
My heart is now back out there.
It's being divided again. What's left of it.
And I am gradually giving it to someone else... trusting them.
I guess after what I have been through before... you think I would be able to handle the risk. But it almost makes it worse.
Second, I don't want people to forget John.
Now that I have found someone I am happy with.... I have this fear that others will want me to move on completely from my connection with John. Ok, not completely. but i fear that they think my relationship will heal everything 100% . that they won't have to worry about me anymore. that all of a sudden things are fine and good again.
i will admit... i am blinded by my feelings currently.
I cry less.
I have more smiles.
But I have not forgotten. I will never forget.
My dreams make sure of it.
My brain ensures me that the life I shared with John really did happen. The memories and the dreaming.
Last night I dreamed that John was here. And he died. And everyone in TCI blamed me.
It was sad.
I knew it wasn't my fault but no one believed me.
I woke up upset. Of course.
My John dreams are never truly pleasant. I think 10% of them have had happy endings.
I just don't want my dating life to overshadow the many years of happiness I had with John. They existed. He existed. He dwells in my heart. I had to make room for another person and now I live this odd 3 way love triangle.
I am very pleased with the way things have been going with my new ...boyfriend. hehe. boyfriend. still weird to say. but at the same time it's an exciting word.
2 weeks and I'm hooked.
he's a great guy.
and i think John would approve.
Regina Spektor worded it perfectly: