Wednesday, February 23, 2011

books. chapters. beginnings. endings.

When I originally went to a book store after John passed away I had a hard time finding a book that was truly fitting for me.
They had books for loss. But it wasn't specific enough.
They had books for widows... but we hadn't been married yet so a lot of the information couldn't apply ... like fianances and wills and things like that.
They had books for Christians. they had books with poems. Books with stories of other people's losses. but none were never quite the same as mine.
I feel as if I have a unique and unfortunate story.
I feel as if the only way I could truly understand my misfortune is not to read a book but to write about my journey through the grief. Creating my own sort of book. A book that perhaps would never relate to anyone else exactly. But could serve a purpose.
As time has been going on.... yesterday was 10 months.... I have found myself in situations where I wish I did indeed have a book or manual on how to figure things out.
A book on what to do with your engagement ring if you were never married.
A book that just listed a bunch of generic responses to people's stupid questions.
A book on how to introduce yourself back into your social circle.
A book on how to control your public crying.
A book on explaining your grief to others without scaring them away.
All these would have been helpful. But, I had to learn on my own. The hard way. The only way I will grow... is doing things this way.

10 months ago I was a broken person.
I was crushed into a million pieces. My life was shattered about and I didn't have the strength to even begin to pick up the broken mess. I was not myself. I had lost half myself... if not more. I was at square one.
I was lost and didn't see a speck of light at the end of the tunnel.
I saw darkness. I sat in the darkness. I allowed darkness to become my neighbor. To wrap around me and fester. I allowed it because I did not know how to fight it.
Originally I found myself clinging to others.
And at the time... that is exactly what I needed.
I needed others. Because that's the time in your life when you certainly do need a firm foundation to lean on.
I eventually weened myself off of consistently leaning on others and found out how to start living on my own. Although it's truly heartbreaking.
Everyone is different.
Some people enjoy the solitude.
I enjoy sharing life. With others.
With the people I love.
And I had been sharing my life with the person I had loved more than anything else in the world. And to lose it suddenly doesn't make you gain independence immediately. Although some thought this would be my true cure. "to go find myself."
Obviously that's why John had to die. For me to find myself.
I say that's a horrible excuse.
I had found myself before.
It also led me to John.
I am not saying that I have not grown since his death.
I am far more strong than ever before.
I also have some weaknesses that I have never experienced before too.
I gained some strength in some areas and lost it in others.
It's a give and take thing.
Although I saw nothing but take... take.... take....

Now I wish I had a new book.
"How to date after losing the love of your life for 6 years and starting your life all over..."
But, I think I am doing a good job so far.
I have slipped back into a new stage of life that I never thought I would experience again.
I can't say it's not exciting.
because it is.
because i can admit that i get butterflies.
because i can admit that i get giddy.
and honestly... there can't be anything wrong with that.
there isn't a thing wrong with being happy.

now awkward, i am rather good at.

i have a habit of bringing John up frequently.
i have told boyfriend i will work on limiting this.
i just said boyfriend.
when we finally decided that was what we were we practiced saying it to my roommates. it was for me mainly but he went along.
"this is my boyfriend, ____"
"this is my girlfriend, autumn."
it was funny.
it was a good exercise.
sometimes the word seems foreign. even though john had been my boyfriend for 5 and a half years and my fiance for only 17 days i dont recall calling him my boyfriend during the last year.... it was almost implied that he was more than just that.

now i do have a boyfriend.
of one week. and a couple days.
i cant remember my first week with john. well, bits and pieces.
but i can't remember them clearly.
maybe because our relationship took 3 months to initiate.

having a boyfriend at 27 is not odd.
its not unique.
its not uncommon.
having a boyfriend and a dead fiance is odd.
and i thank the boyfriend for being so respectful of this weird situation.
because he actually tries to understand.
something even the closest of friends couldn't do.
he knows he is sharing a space in my heart that also belongs to john.
he knows that john was a huge chapter in my life.
a long chapter.

and i have started a new chapter.
and so far i like where it is going....

and i can see that light.

1 comment:

Paul and Heather said...

This is wonderful Autumn! I am so happy for you!