Saturday, February 19, 2011

What is this feeling? sudden and new...

oh, Wicked.

So, my life has took a turn in a new direction.
I now am dating a man who I really enjoy... and still balancing my feelings for the man I am still in love with.
But, this new feeling is exciting.
I have entered the first stage of a new relationship. Something I haven't experienced in a long time... 6 years.
I feel like Im 16 years old all over again. I fumble. We fumble. There are awkward moments... and then there are moments where we make new discoveries about each other! I enjoy it all.
Although things are going swell in this new relationship... there are still things I have to deal with in the other areas of my life. Last night I sat in my bed and had a terrible anxious night. I sat in bed and a fear overcame me. Something I haven't felt in awhile.... fear.
Now that I have someone new in my life I am filled with new worries.
When I let someone else enter my life I run the risk of having my heart broken... I run the risk of losing them.... of growing attached to him. When you attach yourself to something you become completely consumed with it. There is a day.. one day... when you may find yourself thinking "us" and not just me.
And it scares me. enough to make me stay up at night with my eyes wide open. tossing and turning in the dark. trying to figure out how to do this again.
because honestly, i have started out quite comfortable with him. i really like him. he's sweet, thoughtful... and a true gentleman.

Today I told John's family.
Well, I told John's mom and John's sister and john's brothers girlfriend. I figure it will make it's way around to the rest of the group.
But, they were so happy for me. John's mom opened her arms to be and hugged me with a genuine joy.
i was relieved.
we were celebrating Billy's (John's older brother) birthday.
I sat down and watched the people around me. The people I call my family. Who will always be my family. And they will always accept me and look out for my absolute happiness. because that is what John would want. And thats what I want.
I want to be happy again.
I want to feel the way I did before April 22.
But it will take some time to get to that point.
But this is a first step.
i have taken the first step. in the right direction. i like where it's going.

i went to John's parents house to pick up my camera. No one was there. I was alone and that always makes me a bit uneasy when i open the door. as if John will be sitting in the living room on the couch or standing in the kitchen eating a bowl of cereal.
he wasn't there.
metallica was though. whining and looking for affection. i rubbed his ears and entered the office. there was my camera... and then of course... there is the box. the box. that holds the ashes of my fiance. i walked over slowly to the box. the beautiful wooden box... topped with a neatly folded american flag that waved the opening day of the Waldorf. and next to it a poem written by Annie for Valentines day. I touched the box. I felt the warmth in my eyes. my sight blurring. here come the tears. "hi baby..." and the sobs. i quickly dried up my eyes and waved goodbye to a box. and then i left the house. I took a breath in the car. I turned on my radio.

my tears stopped faster.
and then i got a text message.... at a perfect time...

a simple word.

with a meaning....



1 comment:

Emma said...

I can only imagine how hard it is to take these steps, but they are so important and well deserved. I am so glad you have such a wonderful relationship with John's family and they know your love for him will never falter. You will always love him and have something so special and meaningful with him...but it is okay to have joy again, to feel love again, to fall....scary yes, but also the only way to truly 'live' again....go for it, slowly some days, quicker others, just take it however it comes and know you deserve to smile, to be happy, to love. Hugs, Em