2014 and the stories it will tell

A friend once wrote to me:

"I long for the day when you no longer write in your blog because that will mean you are fully healed.."

Touche.

Alas, I do not blog as much as I used to... but sometimes I feel the need to.
And tonight is one of those nights.
It's not a reflection of my healing process. It is just something that I want to do.


It is now 2014. And that is unbelievable.
In 86 days I will be marrying Ryan and I am super thrilled about it.
I am also super cautious.
I feel that if I over celebrate the occasion that something bad will happen... but I really do feel like this is going to finally be happening for me. I get to marry a great guy and start my life as a wife. I am so thankful God has given me this opportunity to love again. And I have to say I am proud of myself for not giving up.
I gave life and love a second chance and it was worth the risk.

As we enter into new years everyone feels the urge to set resolutions. With Facebook being such a staple in everyone's lives we also feel the urge to share these with others. Whether to have some accountability or to just excessively brag about the BIG EXCITING things that make us so awesomely awesome. (there's sarcasm, behold!)

I think deciding to wait until January 1st to start making changes is a little bullshit... but if you need to set a goal for that date it's better then never at all.. so whatever. I actually started mine earlier. I started them as soon as they came up in my head (because why wait?) and then Ryan asked me to share some for the new year and I was like... "crap. um. uh..."
Get married? Isn't that a big resolution? Change my last name and start working on a family, yes? But there's so much more... and I will now share with you my RAW version of my resolutions for 2014. (p.s. these are very hard. and i don't know if most of them will be successful... but I won't facebook sugar coat things for you like everyone else)

Ok... lets start with this whole marriage thing :)
I want to be a good bride. i don't want to yell at my bridesmaids or make ridiculous requests... i want to avoid bridezilla completely. i want to be pleasant and sweet. i want to relax on my wedding day and let people in charge take control.
I want to be a good wife.
i want to accept that I am going to be able to marry Ryan and we have a chance to create our own happily ever after and that the people around us are supportive.
And if for some reason there are people who aren't supportive they have to go.
because they aren't worth my time.
speaking of that... i want to resolve to stop waiting for others to re-build bridges with me. if others chose to stop staying connected to me for some reason (especially those who stopped talking to me after John died) then I have to move on and not wait for them.
I am in no way burning the bridge. I just will move on from it completely.
Your move, by the way... those of you who have slipped away silently in the shadows.

I want to focus on those who care about me.
I want to give attention to those who have supported me and who still support me day to day. The real friends who never gave up on me... even though I am a crazy roller coaster of emotions girl.
The friends who are honest with me. The friends who realize that I am more than what my bitchy features might have you feel I am. ha.
I want to be a better friend. I want to call people more often, i want to physically write letters and i want to make an effort to visit friends more often.

I want to stop envying what other people have. (and realize most of it is just others trying to show off on facebook).
I want to dig deep inside of myself whenever i start feeling bad for things i do not have and remind myself of what i do have.
remind myself how shitty i felt in 2010 and how i begged for the life i have now.
and how i got it.
and how even without trips to bowl games, or the ability to get promotions, or fantastical "2 year plans" , or being pregnant, or extravagant weddings, or crazy expensive yearly trips around the world, or having my wedding completely paid for, or raises, or new houses, etc. etc. ... that I am ALIVE and breathing and in love!!! I am somewhere I did not think I would ever be at again.
And even though I am now officially in debt from this wedding... I get to have a wedding. And I don't mind paying off credit cards for an event with all my favorite people that ISN'T a funeral.

I want to not let facebook determine my happiness or success in life.
i want to use it to keep in touch with friends and family and loved ones and not seek out things that are going to make me sad or mad.
and if people aren't good for me then they need to go.
(already started this process)

i want to love myself by taking care of myself.
that means eating right and being active.
not thinking of being on a "diet."

I want to continue to build back my relationship with God... cause lets be honest. Things got rocky when I lost John.
And even though at this point being a Christian isn't so popular I want to stand up for my faith, attend a church and pray.
I want to pray even when I am not asking for something. I want to pray just to say thank you. And I want to pray for others.

I want to enjoy life while I am young. And realize I STILL AM YOUNG. (despite what the number of candles tell me).
I want to tell people to shut up when they say I have plenty of time to travel when i am older (because we all have learned a lesson from this blog... and that is "you never know...") and if I want to hop on a plane and go somewhere I will.
Because why not?


And I want to smile more.
The world could use more smiles.
The world could use more pleasant people and positivity.
I need to be that light.
And I don't need a date on a calendar to tell me when to start.

What the world needs is ... a baby ;)

I am excited about the royal baby's eventual presence in the near future.


I am looking forward to some GOOD news for ONCE on TV.

News that won't give me anxiety for once.
News that isn't about riots, or drug overdoses, or murder, or airplane crashes.
Just the celebration of life :)
And that makes me happy.

People lined up outside the hospital waiting for the birth of the royal baby...

Maybe it's because I am also in a pretty big baby mood too.
WOAH.
Hold your horses and your judgements, please.
I am not trying to have a baby nor am I quite ready to have one at this stage in my life... but when all of my friends seem to be popping out babies left and right and when the world is anxiously awaiting the birth of one as well...
it's just on your mind.
And I am a 29 year old woman.
I am allowed to have these feelings.
And I am VERY aware of the fact I am not even engaged and to have these feelings might not be "valid."
But they are.
I have been in this waiting line for quite sometime.

And yes, I am getting antsy to be engaged.
And I know I harass Ryan about it too much and I am working on just letting it go... and trust he has a plan.
But I can't help but wonder...

where's my big news? :)

Update

It's been a long time since I have written an entry.

I have debated writing one for awhile.

I just haven't known what to say. What can I write about that would be beneficial to this blog?

So, a check up would be a fine entry.



Honestly right now I am not having the best time in my life... physically.
Grief takes it's toll on you in the long run.
I am warning you right now. IF YOU ARE GOING THROUGH GRIEF PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
There is a reason people die from heart break after losing a loved one.
There is a reason that people look different, age faster, etc. after they lose the love of their life.

You can see it on me.
I can see it on me.

I have always had a younger look to me.
But for the past 2 and a half years I have aged a great deal. My hair is graying rapidly.
I have stomach issues and now it seems like I am suffering from sinus issues.
Does all of it relate to my grief? WHO KNOWS.

Since November I have been having constant health issues and sickness. For the past month I have been having pretty intense dizzy fits and it sometimes keeps me from doing normal things in life like cooking, cleaning, driving and even teaching.

I don't want to feel like this anymore.

I just want to feel better.

I am so ready to move forward in my life.
My body is ready too.
I am ready to get better.

emotional bursting

I am a ball of emotions right now.

For so many reasons.

First.
I am laying next to my really hot boyfriend.
no, seriously.
he has a fever.
The bed feels like a sauna.
And I can't tell you how many times I have checked to watch Ryan's chest rise and fall. I mean, this CANNOT be normal. Any NORMAL girl would be like "oh cute I get to play nurse now and take care of my sick baby cakes..."
NO.
That's not me.
My head says "omg omg. check his temperature like 50 times and ask him a million questions about how he feels. get the keys ready if a ER trip is needed."
THAT. IS. NOT. NORMAL.

What I have been through makes me beyond a freak.
Will I ever learn to think positively?
Will I ever stop jumping to bizarre conclusions?
Can I ever just accept that Ryan doesn't feel good? That he just needs fluids and sleep... like most who are sick.

CAN I JUST PLEASE BE NAIVE AGAIN?????
PLEASE.

Besides being a paranoid freak...
I ran across this video on facebook tonight that someone tagged me in. It was a PASIC 2005 drum video that John was in. In fact, the whole video is talking about John. And he's in it.
It caught me off guard.
(like most things do anyway)
I just started crying in the bed (next to sick Ryan)
I wasn't expecting there to be this video... of living and breathing John. He isn't in the video much... but when he is I am completely taken aback.
I feel like I am seeing fiction now when I see videos of him. Like it can't be real. Then it's a smack in the face. He existed. That life existed.
He was mine and I was his.
That was a life we both shared.
And now my life is completely different.


.........

Which brings me to the last element in my emotions for tonight.
LOVE.
I feel love.
I am so much in love with Ryan.
I feel it more and more each day. I feel the ping of sadness when he isn't around and I feel absolutely horrified when he isn't feeling well.
I am even a bit sad I am leaving him for four days on Thursday.
Because I love him.
And not only do I love him... but I love the people in his life.
I honestly didn't know how well his friends would accept me when we first started dating.
And then we realized that many of them weren't around.
Then a fortunate event happened when John's best friend, Steve, moved back to Orlando... and his lovely wife, Natalie!
I have started to bond with both of them and I feel so excited to have additional friends in my life.
Friends that we share.
People that are connected to me and Ryan.
And people that I genuinely love. already. see? I told you once I love someone it's stuck. I love these people. I love Ryan's friends.

And even better... I got to keep a lot of my friends that I made with John.
And his family.
Ryan and I took out John's dad for lunch the other day. I couldn't help but later think in the car (where I do most of my thinking) (besides ansomnia nights in bed) that I am sooooo fortunate to still have that bond.
And I am still loved by them.
AND they love RYAN.
JOHN'S FAMILY LOVES RYAN.




See!
This is why I can't sleep at night.
Because all at once... I don't even know how it happens... my mind/spirit/body fills with worry/remorse/love/excitement/sadness/happiness/fear.
ALL AT ONCE.
And then I feel I may burst.


Who can teach me the ways?
To harness all these emotions?

I'm happy that you're happy

It has come to my attention lately that people are still confused on how they should act around me with certain situations.
I guess I am partly to blame. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve (seriously, I have a freakin' public blog, people).
I don't always make it easy.
And I can't say that I don't get emotional when I have 3-4 wedding invitations hanging on my fridge at all times.
Or when I see ANOTHER ultrasound posted on facebook.
Or watching friend's statuses change from "In a Relationship" to "Engaged."
BUT.

BUT!!!!

I AM HAPPY YOU ARE HAPPY!!!!!

I, Autumn, do still have the ability to be excited when my friends have life changing moments. And I will ALWAYS be supportive of these moments... whether you are scared to tell me or not.

You are buying a house?
Great! When am I helping you move? What tips can you offer a girl currently seeking to buy her first home as well? Where is the guest room I am staying in? What's for dinner?

You are engaged?
Congrats! So.... when's the date? What's your colors? How did they propose? Am I invited? (of course i am...) Oh, you want me to be a BRIDESMAID? Oh you were nervous to ask that? (stop it. don't be. I can plan one awesome party for you!) You need someone to help you go pick out dresses? done!!!

You are pregnant?
OMG! I love little babies!!!!Did you know there was a moment in my life where I considered being a midwife? Oh, and I want to be doula trained. Oh, you didn't know? You were too afraid to tell me because you thought I would be upset?


I am sorry if I have ever made anyone feel uncomfortable to tell me the happy times in your life. Instead, I do often feel people are more comfortable to share the sad times in their life. No one can live with all of that.
I need the happy moments.
I want to be happy for you.
So, please let me.

Now.
There's a line that can be crossed.
Do I really to discuss these?
I don't, right?
There's a time to celebrate.
And then there's a time to give it a rest.

DO NOT FLAUNT.
There is a line (and it's not fine) between celebrating and flaunting.
Be smart.
Think it through.
I am not the ONLY person that gets bothered by this. Everyone wants happiness. Everyone is going after their own happiness. So, allow those people to share that and don't dominate every discussion with you you you you.



Friends, I want you to be happy.
What kind of person wouldn't want that?
Hopefully not someone that I am friends with.
Because then I need to get rid of them.
And if people are still my friend by now then they may just realize that I am actually a pretty supportive person... even with all of the shit that has been handed to me. I do the best I can to make sure everyone is achieving their upmost happiness.
And when I have happy moments I want you to celebrate with me too.

I am happy... that you're happy, friend.


xoxo

it's not always rainbows and sunshine

I have to admit it.
Sometimes I act not sad to make others happy.
And I hate admitting this too because I have upset quite a few people with my feelings.
I am a people pleaser.
And it's killing me.
The other day I was walking ... I think just walking into a store...
and I realized something.

hey. I'm not super happy right now.
That seems ridiculous doesn't it???
I should try and be happy.
I have come a long way.
How can I possibly still be sad?

And the truth is.... it isn't always because of John.
I know a lot stems from that.
It's like six degrees of Kevin Bacon except I can usually trace back all my problems to when John died.
Every problem that arises usually stems somewhere from losing him.

I know that i wouldn't be having the problems I am currently having with my work and with my friends if John were still here.

I have to stop my mind from thinking about where I would have been if I had never lost John. Definitely would have been pregnant by now.
Or already raising my own child.
Beautiful wedding.
Loving and adoring husband.
A job where I was SUPPORTED by my administration, admired by students, and respected by my peers.

But I am here.
And I shouldn't complain.
I have THE most adoring and loving boyfriend a girl like me could ask for.
As I have said before I do not deserve Ryan.

What I DO deserve is SUPPORT.
I deserve people who support my decisions as a teacher.
I deserve recognition for hard work.
I deserve to show off how talented and smart I am. I deserved to have financial stability.

I deserve my moments of sadness... but without fear of expressing those times.
I deserve times of joy... which God has been so gracious and good to give me even out of my grief.


I am just ready for something to go my way.
A LOT.
I am ready for something exciting and life changing.
I am ready for my rainbow.



"Sometimes a shadow, dark and cold, lay like a mist across the road. But be encouraged by the sight. Where there's a shadow there's a light!"




(i don't feel like this entry really captured the way I am feeling. but i tried)

Free falling.

If you didn't realize yet... April is over.
And that obviously means I survived it.

I survived April 22 for the second year in a row.


Thank goodness it was a Sunday so I didn't have to worry about taking off work.
My dad came over.
We took Lily to the dog park.
I made dinner.
It was a really relaxing day.


And on that day I decided to also clean out our DVD library.
I am transferring all the DVDs to a simple DVD holder. No more cases and ugly shelves from Ikea... half broken and tilted in various directions.
And I came across this little gem I haven't seen in years!!!!
It's John skydiving DVD!
Watching the DVD brought life back to John. Hearing him speak. Watching him laugh. Seeing even just his facial expressions... made him feel close again. The man I once knew. Talking, smiling, and laughing.

I decided to share it with everyone else too.
So, here it is:

John Skydiving :)


<3

Cheer up, buttercup

I think there is this part of me that still refuses to be happy. 

Like it won't allow it.

And I believe part of it stems from various things.

1) People- I still have a strange feeling that some people are uncomfortable about me moving forward in my life and loving again. And when I am around those people or feel like those people are paying attention... I have to find ways to show I am still unhappy at times. I have to prove to people sometimes that I am still grieving. Because i do not always know if they believe me. It sounds weird and just plain wrong... but I know that they are out there.

2) Guilt- I still suffer from a tinge of guilt for moving forward with Ryan. I don't think it is too overwhelming but when I let it linger and sit in my system it builds and builds until I give in. And then I let it go and let it out. The guilt of wanting happiness again. No one should EVER have to have any sort of guilt for wanting to be happy or live a fulfilled life but I do get that sense sometimes. Which i think stems from the next part.....

3) Fear.- I am soooo afraid sometimes. in fact this may be the number 1 reason for my unhappiness. Now that my life is coming back together again after it fell apart when I lost John... I get a weird feeling it will collapse again. Things that I had done with John are starting to happen with Ryan. Those exciting life changing moments... living together, loving each other, getting jobs, looking at houses, planning for the future, talking marriage and babies... and I am afraid if I let it happen that I will lose it again. And it scares the shit out of me. Because if I lost it all again I don't think I would possibly recover.

4) Bitterness- I am still quite bitter for things that have happened to me. My anger towards my past events will flare up when something goes wrong in the present. I.E. today I got angry because my new car charger doesn't work with my phone. So it made me bring up how my car was broken into a couple weeks ago... which made me bring up the fact that bad things keep happening to me... which made me bring up John... 

It's the root of all things "wrong."

Everything just rises up and stems from that.

And that isn't very fair to me. or to Ryan. or to John.

I bring up my "unhappiness" blog because today we went house hunting.

I was looking forward to it.

But Ryan was beyond excited. He was almost giddy. 

It was super cute to watch actually. And made me feel good.

He was excited to live in a home with ME. Forever :) 

But as the day went on... I just began to feel a bit hopeless. I have had this feeling before. Excitement for the future. House hunting, future planning.

And I lost it in a split second.

So the "why bother"monster showed it's ugly face. And I began to pout, whine, etc. because I knew that we weren't going to be able to afford a house right now, etc. etc.

I was shooting down Ryan's dream.

And I was even shooting down my own.

I want more than anything to live the dream I have always dreamed. 

As said in Pretty Woman.."i want the fairy tale."

I do.

I want the house, the husband, the family, the job.

And when we house hunted today I was given the chance to see that life wasn't quite where it was before. And that I had a new path laid out in front of me.

And sometimes that realization can haunt you. And make you feel like if you go down your new path you will lose sight of the path you had once dreamt.

I am not as financially secure as I was before with John.

I do not have the same family support as I did when I was with him.

It very much is me and Ryan fighting for ourselves. 

We are a two person team right now with not a lot of back up.

And it's scary.

I want so much to take a plunge with him.

I want to get a home and start BUILDING our future together so much.

But I am still so worried of something going wrong.

And how I would react to something going wrong.

I mean I stress out over the little things so imagine something a bit bigger going wrong... the way I would react, the impact it would have on me and others. Is that something I can handle right now? 

And how can I better prepare myself to make big leaps for the future?

To start taking a challenge?

To stop letting the little things (and yes, even bigger things) get to me?

To stop the worry?

To control my moods?

To cheer up.

To just let life happen and enjoy myself.

To laugh at the stupid things that don't matter and to focus on the things that do.

God has given me tons of blessings even after such a horrible thing as losing John.

The biggest one being Ryan... who surprises me everyday with his undying love for me.

The man freaking loves me no matter what. It's crazy! Sometimes I have these out of body experiences where I can see myself reacting poorly to situations and I am thinking "this is stupid stop doing this.." and i continue to act poorly and i think "he's going to leave me..." And ya know what? HE DOESN'T. 

He still loves me.

If that isn't the biggest blessing in my life right now then I don't know what it.

Ryan wants to take care of me, and marry me, and start a family with me. He loves me beyond my flaws. He sees past my anxiety and depression and mood swings.

He sees the carefree person I can be. That I used to be.

He basically sees the same person that John fell in love with.

The girl who isn't afraid of anything or anyone. That's so outgoing I could make friends with just about anyone I met.

That loved adventures and exploration.

That was loud and audacious.

That laughed so much she snorted.

And it doesn't mean I am never that.

Just not as much.

I HAVE to work on my ability to LET GO.

I HAVE to set aside petty bullshit.

I HAVE to love Ryan with abundance and with a reckless abandon.

I HAVE to put things into God's hands.

I HAVE to remember myself and who I am and what I stand for.

I HAVE to smile more.

I must.

I must do these things.

I need to freakin' cheer up.

A new kind of anniversary....

A lot of my blog posts have to deal with dates.
As a widow, dates start to mean a lot.
You count down days from the moment you lose the one you love.
It's not about counting down TOWARDS dates anymore.
It's about counting away from the times you spent with the person you loved.
You base events on how far away they were from that moment.
The first week without them. The first month. The first Christmas. The first 100 days. The first year. The first birthday. etc. etc.

When I met Ryan I got to do something I hadn't done in a long time.... I got to LOOK FORWARD to dates in my life again.
Now, it was scary at first.
I didn't want to get too excited because I had this weird feeling inside that if I was too happy or too looking forward to something... it would be taken away from me.

This is reasonable.

I mean, I had a whole wedding panning out in front of my eyes....

and that was snatched away.

In one second.

So, I gave myself little moments to look forward to. Until eventually I felt comfortable enough to look forward to bigger things.
And sometimes I just sit back and let the bigger events come my way.
And pretend I do not notice.

And here I am.
At a milestone.

A year ago this evening I was a nervous girl... woman... whatever...
going on a date with this really cute guy. I liked him a lot already. It was school girl type feelings all over again.
And a date?!
Something I hadn't done in over 6 years!!!
So, I was nervous to say the least.
But, I took a leap.
Because apparently my heart never learns it's lesson.
But thank GOD I let my heart take over again because a year later I am so happy and pleased to say I am still with that wonderful man.
Who I think is still studly as ever.
And so freaking tolerant and brave to put up with a crazy person (that's me).
I mean he's dealt with a whole year of it.
He was there for the John anniversaries.
The one year, the birthdays, the holidays....
and he is still with me!!!!
Can you believe this???

Did I do something right, perhaps????

Did God surely answer that prayer???

I can say without a doubt that God indeed heard.
And I think John did too.


Hey widow friends:
Don't be afraid to fall in love again.
It's kind of awesome.
To be loved unconditionally.
Twice.
Being loved from Heaven and being loved from Earth.



Happy 1 year, Ryan.

My John, the romantic.

I sometimes tend to forget what I originally created this blog for.

And that was to also share past memories I had with John.

And the other day I found my LWHS Alumni page. It hadn't been updated in awhile... and still had on the profile that I was dating John and we had been tog

ether for almost 4 years at the point and that we were completely happy.

I erased all the info today.

Yes, it sucks every time I find something online or not that has to be adjusted to erased. It feels like I am literally erasing John's existence. I don't even fill in my current information... because I feel as if I would have to explain things.

"You see... I was with this amazing guy and his name was John. He was taken away from me for no good reason at all by a freak virus no one ever gets. Then life sucked really bad. Then I met another amazing guy and his name is Ryan. are you confused yet?"

I just think the blank is best.

So, on this website are also a select few of my favorite pictures I decided to put up and share with my fellow alumni of LWHS.

And I am going to share one on here....

This is a picture of me and John on a very special night.

A night that many men could learn from. A night when John decided to be spontaneous and romantic.

Are you paying attention, men?

So... I am going to go ahead and let THAT Autumn explain it to you. The Autumn from 6 years ago. The 21 year old. Because I had blogged about that night before... in my old blog from high school/college. So here it is:

Crossmen Camp: (Dec 7-9)... little did I know... this would be my last time in the Crossmen family. My family for almost 3 years and I never even got to say goodbye.... it was a tough camp and things just didn't feel right.. Joe Kemp died in a an accident (one of our vis staff ) and all the perc, staff was fired which really pissed me off. I hated Larry...Pat wasnt coming back and Gus was gone. Rachael also decided it was not in her best interest to march. So... maybe God had a plan... I see a light at the end of the drum corps tunnel. ALso, John was cut from SCV. Hard stuff to deal with.... But then Phantom caLLED him and he made bottom bass so all is well for him. He's living my dream. Good for him. Sooo... it was a long weekend anyway and I got home .. after the most stressful flight of my LIFE!!! We wwere late... our luggage was actually packed into the aisles and BATHROOMS of the plane due to ppl who fucking overpack. I was mainly frustrated cause John, Brandy and I were supposed to go eat at Osaka's... and we surely werent gonna make it. So... I get off the plane and at the end of the terminal is john waiting... with a dozen red roses... he kisses me and hugs me. He then says "brandy is bringing the car around.." so we wait... and up comes a STRETCH ESCALADE LIMO... for me!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was sooooo shocked. John rented me the limo for all night and since Osaka's was closed... we ate at Whataburger instead. It was so cute and romantic! Inside the limo were about 8 of my friends... all drinking wine/beer and ready with camera flashes. John is so sweet! I love every ounce of him! SURPRISE!!!!!!!!! John was so happy his plan worked... isnt he so cute??? oh he knows he got major points for this one! by the limo! "so yeah, she had no idea!" It was purely amazing.

So now you know... just one of the many amazing things that came from John Seay.

Everyone can learn from him.

I can even learn from him still.

As a couple we were always doing whatever we could to keep things romantic and exciting. Whether we left each other little notes or took each other out on surprise dates. I am not gonna lie... John was pretty good at it! And yes, sometimes he needed a little coaxing from me :) But, even to the very last of his days... with a truly genius proposal... he was a down right ROMANTIC.

DO SOMETHING ROMANTIC TODAY FOR SOMEONE YOU LOVE.

They will remember it forever!

Lucky in Love

Today I posted this picture of Ryan on my facebook:

It's a picture of Ryan making a ring... made out of a straw wrapper... and placing it on my finger. He has done this before... and when he makes them I wear them all day. As silly as it seems it feels good to wear something on this finger again... even if it is made out of paper. Even when I wear John's engagement ring I now wear it on my right hand. Once in awhile I slip it on my left for the feel of it. I miss it's weight. I miss looking at it while I drive. I miss being engaged.

One of my friends commented below the picture that I have "struck gold twice" and that I am "lucky in love." I have never been able to put the word lucky together with my life. The combination never makes so much sense to me. But I tell Ryan all the time how lucky I am that we found each other. But more so than anything I tell him I blessed.

Because I truly believe it's a God thing.

And as weird as it seems... to think me, a girl that has lost it all, is lucky in love... perhaps I am.

John was AMAZING.

We had a relationship people could envy.

We figured it out.

We were IT. we were the people you wanted to be like.

When he died I was sure that NO ONE would ever even come close to filling those shoes. I would never love like I loved John.

In fact, I didn't really think I would be able to love again at all.

It just didn't seem possible.

Guys were scum. I found the best one.

What do you do when the best guy in the world dies?

You eventually find someone...

and realize that they just as amazing.. and in their own unique way.

And you create a relationship that is surprisingly perfect.

And this person loves you for who you are.

and they don't judge your past.

and they respect the affection you still hold for the person you lost.

and will do anything to make you happy.

I struck gold twice.

I have found the two most amazing men in the world.

God sent me not one... but TWO angels.

I just really hope and pray that God will allow me to keep Ryan.

I still have a fear of him being taken from me.

and i don't know if that fear will ever go away.

because the happier I get.... and the more in love I am... and the stronger our relationship grows... means the harder it would be on me to lose that. to lose again.

I try so hard to push away the fear.

To pull out of dark thoughts.

To try and live my life now and not focus on the what ifs and the looming fear of death.

I want to truly enjoy the happiness I have now with Ryan.

It's what I deserve.

Well, it's what we both deserve honestly.

ready, set, goal.

I read a facebook status today that said "my life could be a lifetime movie.."

oh man, the days I have thought that thought.

the days i still think that thought.

and as my life moves forward.. i feel like the movie-like circumstances continue to unfurl.

a drama. definitely a drama.

or a romantic comedy?

one of those for sure.

but then there are these days... where i feel like.. my life isn't such.

it isn't the story that one would want to grab at Barnes and Nobles or spend $10 to see at the movie theater.

I mean yes, what happened with John was completely tragic and out of the blue and we have a love story that rivals The Notebook any day. And yes, I have found love again. True love again. A love I had thought would NEVER come my way EVER again. ever.

and he's such a great guy.

and we have a great love story.

and i have had so many obstacles come my way... through losing friends and family, losing my job, dealing with suicides and murders, divorced parents, an absent mother, a unique family dynamic, etc.

but I still feel like maybe this is just another story.

and that even though I have been through all of these things... if i died today... would I actually be remembered in years to come? would my story be remembered? what do I have to give and leave behind? what will my legacy be?

i was in a downward dog pose today doing deep thinking. (isn't this where everyone does their deep thinking?)

and then the thinking continued you in the shower... (where a lot of my deep thinking usually occurs. )

what can i do to make a difference? to push myself? to be recognized? to feel accomplishment??

then i watched the Biggest Loser.

and if you ever want to be motivated... watch the final episodes of that show. and i watch these people with tears in their eyes and joy on their faces when they see these numbers pop up on a screen which represent pounds of unhappiness shedding from their body.

and then one girl cries out "i'm not just happy about losing the weight. i'm happy because i finally finished something i started for once in my life..."

and my light bulb popped on.

...all day i couldn't really place my finger on why i was so discontent.

and then that was it.

unfinished business.

my life still has soooo much purpose to it. there is still so much i want to do.

no, im not 100% sure what i am doing in every direction in my life but i know that i need to start picking paths now and start following them through. if i am not able to find a teaching job by August then i need to follow a new path. i need to go back to school or i need to choose a different career... even if just for a year. i need to start a diet and exercise routine that is going to work for me and that i won't fall away from. i need to set goals for my weight and stick to them. and then i need to follow through and reach that weight goal. (thank you Diana for being the motivation for this).

and i think a big part of this unaccomplished feeling stems from loving John for so long. and finally getting the chance to prepare a marriage and then having that stripped from me. that i still own an engagement ring but no wedding to follow. that i know for sure that when i eventually marry, and I can already say in confidence i want Ryan, that i will be accomplishing one of the biggest goals i have ever had... and the longest. since i was a little girl.

i just feel that having so many lose ends in my life makes me feel like i haven't done anything worthwhile. i have too many hopes and dreams and i need to start making bigger steps to make them happen. if i want to travel the world (like i know i do)... then i need to start looking into jobs that give the finances for that. if i want to not live in apartments my whole life then i need to start saving money and putting it towards a future down payment on a house. if i know that orlando makes me kind of miserable then i need to start setting my eyes on places where i will be happier.

it's all about setting goals.

and then actually achieving them.

Meet Ryan

Who is this mystery man... ? this AMAZING fellow to sweep me off my feet? The man who took a leap of faith and enter a relationship others could easily turn their back to. A man who loves me for who I am. All of me. Past and present.

Let's start here:

This was our first official picture as boyfriend and girlfriend. It was a weird feeling to take it... but exciting at the same time. It took me some time to post this pic publicly... I felt like I had to keep this secret for a bit...which is no fun.

but it really started here.....

Where is that, you ask?

It's the Denver airport. We had originally met here in 2004. me, being the social person I am, introduced myself after noticing he marched corps. (it was the city finals was in that year...) now keep in mind I hadn't started dating John until Nov. 2004. I met Ryan August 2004. Weird.

he was 17.

i was 20.

it was mostly talking.

and some eating.

and then an exchanging of something new: FACEBOOK. (which had just launched in 2004..) (weird thing is though it was only for college students at first and i think that summer it had just opened up to high school students...)

(yeah i was in college and he was in high school. lol)

7 years down the road we "meet" again.

i introduce myself as if he were a stranger (although in my mind knowing i have met him before). when you have the "widow brain" syndrome you just expect to forget everyone. it happens. i can't even memorize all my students names yet. AND IT'S APRIL.

he reminded me that we had met before. it wasn't until later that night he explained where.

now keep in mind Ryan is working with TCI. He teaches visual. he isn't a drummer like you expect. in fact, he plays trumpet.

he is teaching a show that is dedicated and inspired by John. he's teaching my dead fiance's show.

the same night we re-unite we decide to go on a date the next day...

A DATE.

(i had to clarify actually the next day. lol)

by the end of this date (Feb 13) we realize there's something that has sparked.

by midnight (now Valentine's day) we are hooked.

the next day we decide to be "official"

well.

officially secret.

i was completely nervous to let anyone know i was dating someone.

especially john's family.

i remember i told annie first.

then John's mom.

who told John's dad.

ryan's issue was everyone at TCI. These were all of John's best friends.

he didn't want to look like he was creepin' on John's fiance.

he felt wrong for feeling right.

but eventually we told...

and guess what?

everyone has been very happy and supportive.

i guess i feel bad for doubting that people would be unhappy or disapproving of me trying to obtain happiness again. but, i now know for a certain that i found it. it doesn't make it one lick easy. it makes it easier.

anyway... not gonna lie....

i love this guy.

he makes my heart happy.

In Your Corner....

blogging has taken a back seat lately.

for multiple reasons.

1) life.

life is happening.

2) Work

School has been kicking my ass lately.... mainly because it's MPA season. This time every year is a time to do the freak out thing. every music director goes through it. especially in orange county. the pressure on your kids performance is overwhelming. it almost takes the fun out of it. the fun out of teaching. three strangers judging you and your kids on ONE performance... and then the rest of your colleagues judge you from there.

but something happened this year.

i decided to taper off my medication. well, paxil. and it has been one hell of a ride. as in HELL. Nausea, dizziness, tingling, vomiting, dry heaving, extreme headaches, exhaustion, etc. etc.

UGH.

so, on the friday before MPA week I got terribly sick.

just, horrible.

i came to work thinking the feeling would subside like it usually does. throughout all the reading I have done it always encourages you to "get out of bed!" And i did...

but in the end i sat in my office and struggled with myself.

i couldn't stay.

when i told nicole she was furious... as i guessed she would be. i felt bad. but always hated feeling bad for feeling bad.

i honestly have done an AMAZING job of keeping my emotions out of my work life. this day it was different. i needed to go home and rest it off.

and i did.

and when i came back on monday my principal called me into her office and said i would not be conducting my bands at MPA. that nicole would take over for me.

that the stress was just too much for me.

i was just mortified.

that this is where my life had come down to.

where my emotions literally have taken control of my life. that people consider me too unstable to handle situations under pressure.

to be honest it had NOTHING to do with MPA and all to do with my medications.

as much as i begged it ended up nicole did take my band.

and they did great.

i went with nicole when her band performed. and i did break down. quietly. silently. in front of a parent actually.

because john died exactly one week after MPA last year. i remember he sent me these amazing text messages telling me what a great teacher i was and how my kids would do great because of that. he was ALWAYS in my corner.

i scanned through his last texts to me. i read the ones he sent to me last year during MPA while I was stressing out here and he was working with tci in Dayton. I hated that he wasnt around during my MPA. back then it seemed like a big deal.

now.... now that i know....

i would have skipped it all just to have a few extra days with him. by the time we both got back from our trips after MPA/Dayton we had 4 days with each other. But, they were great days. Great, great days.

which leads into #3.....

3) Ryan.

who was unexpected and now ... so appreciated. Ryan was an answer to a prayer. a prayer which i had been praying for a while now. his companionship... our relationship... has flourished in a short time and has given me a brightness inside which i have not had in a long time. it's a small bloom of a beautiful flower. i can see good things happening in it's future.... but really trying to live in the moment and enjoy now.

when i wake up everyday and go to my bathroom there is a quote on the wall that says "live one day at a time..."

this is my new motto.

and will be for the rest of my life.

with Ryan we take it one day at a time.

i do not try and compare him to John. I do not expect things from him that i once had. i only expect him to be himself. something different and new.... which is totally ok to have.

this doesn't mean i have forgotten john. nor does it mean i don't long for john's existence in my life.

all i know is that I have a new person in my corner.

someone that looks past the grief and the sorrow and sees something inside that others may not see.

he sees me.

he sees who i am.

and even maybe who i once was.

he doesn't see death.

he doesn't shun me if i cry or if i tell a memory.

he embraces it.

he doesn't give me a hard time about my emotions and the crazy roller coaster of shit that accompanies my medication withdrawal.

he says i am amazing and sweet and kind.

and beautiful.

obviously, he sees something that i can't even see....

but he says "i am in your corner... " and i know he means it.

4) withdrawal

as you may have gathered from the above writing... medication withdrawal is a BITCH. At least coming off Paxil is. I don't people quite grasp it's seriousness. and honestly i feel there are people that don't believe me when i explain it.... like i am weak and making up excuses. like i just need attention or that i need another thing in my life to feel bad about. trust me, the last thing i want is to feel like shit physically on top of what i feel emotionally.

NO ONE should have to go through this. and i wish i had done my research before i got on the meds... but in a time of crisis... in a time where all you can think about is dulling the pain... you will do anything. and medication was an answer at the time.

the other day John's dad sent me an email after i told him what happened at work and with my withdrawal. He said he was proud of me. PROUD of me for going off the meds and being strong... and he ended his email with "im in your corner.."

All these amazing people in my corner.

some very apparent and present.

some in my corner and are far away.

some ... i don't even know about but are there from a distance... thinking of me. rooting for me.

i have people who want to see me happy. they want to see me better.

they are on my side. on my team. and cheering me on. some... perhaps carrying me through sometimes.

it took some time for me to realize how many were in my corner.

but, now my eyes are opening.

and of all those people... 2 amazing men... one on Earth and one in Heaven are rooting the hardest.

Pursuit of Happiness.

Have you ever heard a song and loved it so much you literally listened to it over and over and over...

and over...

and over again.

That was me this morning. On my way to work.

I was in a good mood.

I was listening to Pandora radio on the Girl Talk station. ONE OF THE BEST STATIONS EVER!!!!

Then I heard this song by Kid Cudi called "Pursuit of Happiness."

It's a Hip Hop song... and yes, at the beginning it talks about drinking and drugs... but the song SPOKE to me.

Mainly the chorus:

"I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know that everything that's shining aint always gonna be gold. I'll be fine once I get it.... I'll be good...."

So. I downloaded the song off itunes immediately.

immediately.

and listened to it the rest of the way to work.

then after work. the whole time home. yes, 30 minute ride home.

then i ran a bubble bath and hooked up my ipod to my Bose and played it again.

ON REPEAT.

my roommate must think I am crazy.

there's always a part talking about dreaming...

he says "tell me what you know about dreamin', dreamin'... you really don't know about nothing...

tell me what you know about night terrors. nothing!"

I have been having CRAZY dreams once again.

They are completely vivid. They almost always involve John and sometimes randoms like Daniel Tosh from Tosh.0 *uhhh*

But most dreams aren't what I want them to be.

I get so upset (mainly jealous here) when I have people come up and say "oh Autumn!! John was in my dreams last night and saying "everything is ok... blah blah blah wonderful things... blah blah."

WHY THE HELL ISN'T HE COMING TO MY DREAMS AND SAYING THAT???

WHY DOES HE LEAVE ME ALL THE TIME???

WHY DO PEOPLE LEAVE ME???

Separation anxiety? yes. i believe so.

I just don't think some people understand some of the things I think and feel... and dream. What do you know of this nightmare? NOTHING.

I wish I could tell you, friend, how to understand.

I wish I could give my boyfriend the answers on how to make things better.

The last thing he wants is for me to be sad.

Funny, that was the last thing John wanted too.

So, how come that's the main theme here?

I am on the pursuit of happiness.

I had found it once.

I want to find it again.

and keep it.

is that too much to ask?

isn't that a God given right I have?????

Isn't it an American right I have????

It's just something I feel like I am not allowed to keep.

Ok, so I find John.

We make it through the good and the bad. We perfect our relationship. We worked hard to get where we were.

WE PURSUED HAPPINESS.

And it was taken.

John died in the peak of happiness.

I have fallen.

far from that happiness which I once sat comfortably with and sipped our cup of happiness tea.

"oh hi, happiness. come sit for awhile. everything is just dandy.... sugar?"

everyone has a different version of happiness.

perhaps yours is money.

perhaps yours is fame.

perhaps yours is to travel the world.

mine is to be in love

to have the love i had before and to continue my story.

to be a wife one day (and a damn fine one at that!!!!)

and to have kids and to love my family.

to focus on raising my family, enjoying my work, and loving everyone whole heartedly.

Pursuing money and fame is difficult. it takes a lot of hard work and charisma. it takes getting the door slammed in your face or switching jobs until you find the right one.

you pursue on your own mainly. if you fail... if you fall... you most likely won't carry others down with you.

Pursuing LOVE is scary!

anything can happen.

you are depending on another person to take care of your heart. another person to trust, to depend on and to love you unconditionally.

with the wounded heart i have... i often fear that if it gets hurt anymore it will surely burst. but, would i rather that than risk never loving again?

Am I lucky enough to fall in love twice and be loved in return???

I'm pursuing it.

something happened....

i didn't expect this. at all.

it wasn't planned.

it caught me off guard.

And, it's ok. because i like it.

the fact that it happened two days before valentine's day.... the fact that it has a pretty unique story behind it... makes it even better.

i am dating.

yes, i have a boyfriend.

it's allowed. there are no rules in the widow rule book. or in the life rule book. or in the relationship rule book.

i looked them up. And i found nothing on this sort of thing.

what i did look into was myself and the feelings in my heart. and the fact that I am very happy with this person.

i know that everyone has always told me they just want me to be happy.

here's me going for it.

i am going for happiness.

because of all people.... i deserve that.

perhaps you don't agree? sorry.

this does not mean John is out of the picture. he never will be. he's still here.

he's still part of the picture.

it's just i am opening my heart to something new. i have saved room for a new relationship. a new chance.

and it scares the shit out of me at the same time.

here we go.....

text messages

I have not deleted my text messages from John.

I don't know if I ever will have the guts to do so.

Sometimes I make the mistake and open them up... and read them.... I have to browse through the ones I have sent since his death. Yes, for some reason I still find myself texting him. After he first died I always had the urge to text... when anything interesting was happening... and then would stop myself and realize that he wasn't going to respond. But, now I purposely text and KNOW there will be no response... but also the text isn't sent back either. It goes out to outerspace somewhere i guess. No one has John's number. I have called it recently. I had butterflies in my stomach when I pressed his name in my phone. And it went straight to the voice of a woman saying the number was no longer in service. Either way, it's hurtful. I remember the day I had to cut off his line. They asked if I wanted to keep the number. I frantically asked everyone in John's house if they wanted it. No one did. It's painful. And a Tallahassee number.

So, yes... I send John text messages.

And I am not alone.

Patrick Swayze's wife recently in an interview confessed she still texted her husband after death:

Niemi, who will appear on the televised Stand UpTo Cancerbenefit today to raise funds for research, said she always texted Swayze while traveling.

"I just put what I always did: 'I love you.' And then I cried for a little bit to myself," she told People magazine. "It [the text message] didn't come back. So either somewhere out there received it, or someone's going, 'Somebody loves me!' And you know what? I figured it was a win-win situation."

Grief has no timeline, according to psychological experts, and it varies according to each individual. According to Weide, about 15 percent of those with a loss experience "traumatic grief," unable to move forward.

The sense of loss is "permanent," and the person who feels it is forever changed, she said, but most are eventually able to move on from the acute phase and manage the pain.

So, I am not alone in this.

It's when I start scrolling up.... and up.... and see the texts that John sent me. His last text sent to me was on April 20, 2010. Two days before he died. It says "I love you so much. I'll be thinking about you." Reading this text always makes me lose it. Especially because in the next text on April 22, 2010 I say "It's 5pm... how are you still sleeping?!" Little did I know that John wasn't sleeping at all. He had already left this Earth to be in heaven. The text sends chills down my spine. My John.... already taken from me. I was oblivious to it all. An hour later I would come home to find him. Cold and blue.

As I scan through texts I find some that make my heart still leap.

The day after he proposed he said "Smile! You are to be my wife! See? Isn't life just great?"

...and it was. Life at that moment was the best it had ever been. I couldn't imagine it getting any better.

While I was at MPA last year John texted me this: "Just remember I love you so much, your kids will do great today because you're a great teacher, you're to be my wife, you deserve happiness, and I won't be doing anything foolish in Dayton. ;) I love you."

....you deserve happiness. Once again.... John's purpose in life. To make me happy. When I read the word wife I just can't bear the fact that John will never have that chance. To marry. To start a family. To grow old and have a full life. He wanted this just as much as me. And now look where we are. John's goal in life.... my happiness .... is failing. How could he have known that the destruction of my happiness would be due to him? Even though he had no control over it. If John is watching me, which I know he is, is it tearing him up? To watch me in misery? To watch me sit in the bath tub an cry over the edge sobs of longing.... yelling out "Baby... please. please. please.." Why is it I always go back to that? Please? What am I asking for? And who am I asking? It's because words fail me. What else is there to yell out? What's the use in that anyway?

John's number is still programmed in my phone. John (ilymtli) to be exact

I took him off my favorites a month ago. Only because it would sometimes automatically call him if i hit the button on accident. I do not have the heart to delete his name. Deleting his name is making one more thing final. And I feel like baby steps are best. For a man who claimed he wasn't good at writing or talking on the phone he sure did have a way with making me feel like a princess whenever he sent me a message. His adoration for me and our love flowed even through my iPhone. He was. amazing. he is still amazing. He will always be that amazing man. and as milestones approach I will continue to send him messages. Knowing there will never be one in return. All green boxes. No gray anymore. A conversation spoken to myself.

ilymtli

Memory Boxes

When me and John started getting serious in our relationship I decided it was time to start a "memory box" to place all the many memories we would have somewhere... and not forget. To be able to look back on them. We occasionally did. Not often.

After John's death I had to buy a new box. A larger box to hold on to all his sentimental things. I bought it a week after he died. It is black. It looks like a box you wouldn't want to open. Our other box has palm trees on it. Way much happier box.

The boxes sit in my closet. I have 3. One is from our earlier relationship, one is from our Europe trip, and one is was made after his death. Sometimes, when I feel the need to grieve, I will take out a box and place it on my bed. I open it and slowly take out items one at a time. I grieve over each item individually. Some items, like his glasses, I touch and smell... to try and feel closer to him. I had him wear his glasses at the viewing... and took them back after everyone left. I was the last person to say goodbye to him there. I was in the parlor alone and I kissed his cold cheek... and gently slid the glasses off his face. They will be mine to keep forever. I was the one who pleaded for him to get them. And sadly it wasn't just because he needed them... i just thought he looked so cute in them that he had to have a pair!! Of course, we got these really sleek looking Oakleys. When he put them on it was like he turned into a different person. "professional John" I loved it.

I am sure many people at the viewing didn't know John with glasses.

I am sure it was weird to see him with them on.

But, it's how I wanted to remember him. My handsome John.

The box holds much more than glasses..... let me share...

The newest memory box... purchased right after John's death. To hold our memories.

A smaller memory box inside. Bought by my school after John died.

John's silver DCI medal. The year Phantom won drums.

John's glasses. I took them after the viewing... he always looked so handsome in them.

John wrote me this note before he left for work on Valentine's Day. The night before we stayed up really late making over 200 valentine cookies for my students. It was quite a project. But we enjoyed it!!!

The staff at Waldorf signed this Congratulations card the day after John proposed to me.

John gave me this Valentine's day card about two years before he actually proposed to me. He knew from the start he wanted to marry me. :)

John's cards were my favorite.

John only bought me Hallmark cards. I don't know why. He considered them more classy? One time he didn't... and he did this. I laughed a lot. He was the funniest.

Read this. It breaks my heart but reminds me how amazingly lucky I was. The last sentence is what gets me.

John's tie bars. I bought him the top one from Tiffanys last Christmas.

John worked with me at Universal for a whole month. He hated it. He worked at Spiderman... it was hilarious. It was nice getting off together and talking about how our days went. My favorite story was when he danced for MC Hammer... hahahahahaha

John's Phantom Regiment dog tags.

John's mom bought us this picture frame the day he died. Just the beginning.... of the end....

Evan and I went to a bridal show. Being engaged was so enchanting... and I only got to experience it for 17 days.

Those are just a few of the memories in the box.... in one box. There isn't a box large enough in the world to hold all the moments we shared together.

ilymtli

Proposal Video.

Today I took a big step.

I uploaded a short clip from my proposal on to YouTube. It was the only video footage taken. But it captured the perfect moment of me saying "Of course."
But, you can't really hear anything. You can't hear John's cut speech or me replying. You can however hear people by the lake chanting "say yes! say yes!" and you can see a weird woman in the background trying to get out of the pictures and fail miserably. lol
It was.... THE happiest day of my life.
John had asked some of his friends to make up a small percussion ensemble and play our song, "I love how you love me."
Our friends and family were gathered around us and it was very sweet and well thought out.

To watch the video click on this link (warning: you'll cry...)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WqSGn8vHTIc

It's my birthday and I'll blog if I want to...

We are on a ship.

Why are we on a ship again????

Didn't I just have this dream? Except this ship is different. It's

smaller. It's going to an unknown place and as it glides p

ast the shore... takes a turn and is now plowing into the land. But it's not... it's gliding.

I am in my cabin. John is on the bed. He is sitting there. He starts to talk to me... "Autumn, I am trying this again... but it just isn't going to work. I can't do this. I can't be with you."

I begin to plead and beg. "Don't do this John!"

He leaves.

My body flies off the boat into the sky. I am looking at the ocean from the sky. The boat is now small and white. My heart is breaking in half. Again. John is leaving me yet again.

And then I wake up.

Happy Birthday, Autumn.

Today is my birthday. Today is my golden birthday.

I can't stand to be awake. I need to go back to sleep and see John. I need to convince him to come back to me. Why does he always try to leave me in my dreams?! It's a horrible feeling. It's like breaking my heart over and over again. My brain is trying to convince me this is what happened. It's trying to make things easier. No, Autumn... you didn't find him dead. He left you. My brain is trying to re-write history.

My brain is wrong.

Dreams are dreams... they aren't real.

The reality of it all is that John and I were in the happiest time of our lives. We were never so in love than at the point of his death. He would have never left me. And I would have never left him.

Fuck these dreams.

And on my birthday? Fucking really?

FUCK THIS SHIT.

I decide to lay in the bed and sleep again.

Dreams not remembered. worthless.

I stay in the bed until noon. I'll just go ahead and sleep this birthday away.

But I did get up. My nieces made me oatmeal. We played rock band. We stayed in and talked, laughed... my sister in law came home with a fever. :(

My nieces made pancakes for dinner.

We put a candle in one and I blew it out. I am sure you can guess what I wished for. Definitely not for another year like this one. And I almost feel bad saying that. Because really the beginning of my year was FANTASTIC. It's so shitty the best part of my life and the worst part of my life were in the same year... I mean really they were only 17 days apart. How unfair.

But 2011 brings hope.

This is me trying to convince myself.

And I guess I could be bitter about being 27 and starting my life all over again.

And I am actually.

A lot of my friends my age are married, pregnant, successful... perhaps some of them not as happy as they seem to be. But that's not always what they post on their facebook. So, what I see is everyone around me having a better life than me. As I inch towards 30 this is NOT where I ever imagined myself being at 27. This isn't where I should be. Apparently I can't plan my life. Apparently it is out of my control.

27 years. 6 of them spent with my love.

Who will be fortunate enough to spend the next years of my life with me?

A strong man for sure. That has to deal with my shit. My "baggage." John is not the baggage. Widowhood is the baggage. Being labled like I am wearing some God forsaken scarlet letter. Instead of an A lets just go ahead and paste a big red W on my chest.

And it amazes me. My progress.

I told myself I would NOT be celebrating my birthday this year. That I was going to skip it....

And yet this may be one of my biggest birthdays to date.

A dinner. 6:30pm.

Over 25 guests.

All there for me.

My loved ones. My friends. The people who have pulled me through... who are still pulling me out of the darkness. The ones that encourage me. The ones that stay in contact with me. The ones that call me and invite me out. The ones that wish that they could do for me.

I am actually looking forward to it.

Of course there will be an obvious absence of presence in the room.

It won't be mentioned I am guessing.

But everyone will feel it.

Where is John?

Where are my flowers? Where is my birthday kiss? Who will occupy his seat next to me at the dinner table?

Who will occupy that empty hole in my heart?

Who will one day take on the task of loving me. This broken girl. This shattered woman. This mess. This beautiful mess of a person. Who is going to save me... tell me it's ok... and show me the light again?

Strong man. Strong, patient man. I pray for you.

I read the Bible tonight with my nieces... I always find myself heading towards 1 Corinthians to read the passage about love. To torture myself? Maybe.

But then I read the line "Love never dies."

You're right. It doesn't. My love for John will always stay ignited inside my heart and soul. I can make space for another. For the Bible does say the most important thing is to love extravagantly.

The greatest of these is love.

I am a person full of love. Love that I want to share. Love that will go on and fill others... family, friends, and eventually.... a lover.

And so I am walking out to the water... and I am putting my toe towards the edge... and dipping it in slightly. Am I prepared to test the water? If I dive in I could drown. So, I will stay towards the shore.... until I am ready for a plunge.

Happy Birthday to me.