Sunday, April 15, 2012

Cheer up, buttercup

I think there is this part of me that still refuses to be happy. 
Like it won't allow it.
And I believe part of it stems from various things.

1) People- I still have a strange feeling that some people are uncomfortable about me moving forward in my life and loving again. And when I am around those people or feel like those people are paying attention... I have to find ways to show I am still unhappy at times. I have to prove to people sometimes that I am still grieving. Because i do not always know if they believe me. It sounds weird and just plain wrong... but I know that they are out there.

2) Guilt- I still suffer from a tinge of guilt for moving forward with Ryan. I don't think it is too overwhelming but when I let it linger and sit in my system it builds and builds until I give in. And then I let it go and let it out. The guilt of wanting happiness again. No one should EVER have to have any sort of guilt for wanting to be happy or live a fulfilled life but I do get that sense sometimes. Which i think stems from the next part.....

3) Fear.- I am soooo afraid sometimes. in fact this may be the number 1 reason for my unhappiness. Now that my life is coming back together again after it fell apart when I lost John... I get a weird feeling it will collapse again. Things that I had done with John are starting to happen with Ryan. Those exciting life changing moments... living together, loving each other, getting jobs, looking at houses, planning for the future, talking marriage and babies... and I am afraid if I let it happen that I will lose it again. And it scares the shit out of me. Because if I lost it all again I don't think I would possibly recover.

4) Bitterness- I am still quite bitter for things that have happened to me. My anger towards my past events will flare up when something goes wrong in the present. I.E. today I got angry because my new car charger doesn't work with my phone. So it made me bring up how my car was broken into a couple weeks ago... which made me bring up the fact that bad things keep happening to me... which made me bring up John... 
It's the root of all things "wrong."
Everything just rises up and stems from that.
And that isn't very fair to me. or to Ryan. or to John.

I bring up my "unhappiness" blog because today we went house hunting.
I was looking forward to it.
But Ryan was beyond excited. He was almost giddy. 
It was super cute to watch actually. And made me feel good.
He was excited to live in a home with ME. Forever :) 
But as the day went on... I just began to feel a bit hopeless. I have had this feeling before. Excitement for the future. House hunting, future planning.
And I lost it in a split second.
So the "why bother"monster showed it's ugly face. And I began to pout, whine, etc. because I knew that we weren't going to be able to afford a house right now, etc. etc.
I was shooting down Ryan's dream.
And I was even shooting down my own.

I want more than anything to live the dream I have always dreamed. 
As said in Pretty Woman.."i want the fairy tale."
I do.
I want the house, the husband, the family, the job.
And when we house hunted today I was given the chance to see that life wasn't quite where it was before. And that I had a new path laid out in front of me.
And sometimes that realization can haunt you. And make you feel like if you go down your new path you will lose sight of the path you had once dreamt.
I am not as financially secure as I was before with John.
I do not have the same family support as I did when I was with him.
It very much is me and Ryan fighting for ourselves. 
We are a two person team right now with not a lot of back up.
And it's scary.

I want so much to take a plunge with him.
I want to get a home and start BUILDING our future together so much.
But I am still so worried of something going wrong.
And how I would react to something going wrong.
I mean I stress out over the little things so imagine something a bit bigger going wrong... the way I would react, the impact it would have on me and others. Is that something I can handle right now? 

And how can I better prepare myself to make big leaps for the future?
To start taking a challenge?
To stop letting the little things (and yes, even bigger things) get to me?
To stop the worry?
To control my moods?

To cheer up.
To just let life happen and enjoy myself.
To laugh at the stupid things that don't matter and to focus on the things that do.

God has given me tons of blessings even after such a horrible thing as losing John.
The biggest one being Ryan... who surprises me everyday with his undying love for me.
The man freaking loves me no matter what. It's crazy! Sometimes I have these out of body experiences where I can see myself reacting poorly to situations and I am thinking "this is stupid stop doing this.." and i continue to act poorly and i think "he's going to leave me..." And ya know what? HE DOESN'T. 
He still loves me.
If that isn't the biggest blessing in my life right now then I don't know what it.
Ryan wants to take care of me, and marry me, and start a family with me. He loves me beyond my flaws. He sees past my anxiety and depression and mood swings.
He sees the carefree person I can be. That I used to be.

He basically sees the same person that John fell in love with.
The girl who isn't afraid of anything or anyone. That's so outgoing I could make friends with just about anyone I met.
That loved adventures and exploration.
That was loud and audacious.
That laughed so much she snorted.

And it doesn't mean I am never that.
Just not as much.

I HAVE to work on my ability to LET GO.
I HAVE to set aside petty bullshit.
I HAVE to love Ryan with abundance and with a reckless abandon.
I HAVE to put things into God's hands.
I HAVE to remember myself and who I am and what I stand for.
I HAVE to smile more.

I must.

I must do these things.

I need to freakin' cheer up.

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