Cheer up, buttercup

I think there is this part of me that still refuses to be happy. 

Like it won't allow it.

And I believe part of it stems from various things.

1) People- I still have a strange feeling that some people are uncomfortable about me moving forward in my life and loving again. And when I am around those people or feel like those people are paying attention... I have to find ways to show I am still unhappy at times. I have to prove to people sometimes that I am still grieving. Because i do not always know if they believe me. It sounds weird and just plain wrong... but I know that they are out there.

2) Guilt- I still suffer from a tinge of guilt for moving forward with Ryan. I don't think it is too overwhelming but when I let it linger and sit in my system it builds and builds until I give in. And then I let it go and let it out. The guilt of wanting happiness again. No one should EVER have to have any sort of guilt for wanting to be happy or live a fulfilled life but I do get that sense sometimes. Which i think stems from the next part.....

3) Fear.- I am soooo afraid sometimes. in fact this may be the number 1 reason for my unhappiness. Now that my life is coming back together again after it fell apart when I lost John... I get a weird feeling it will collapse again. Things that I had done with John are starting to happen with Ryan. Those exciting life changing moments... living together, loving each other, getting jobs, looking at houses, planning for the future, talking marriage and babies... and I am afraid if I let it happen that I will lose it again. And it scares the shit out of me. Because if I lost it all again I don't think I would possibly recover.

4) Bitterness- I am still quite bitter for things that have happened to me. My anger towards my past events will flare up when something goes wrong in the present. I.E. today I got angry because my new car charger doesn't work with my phone. So it made me bring up how my car was broken into a couple weeks ago... which made me bring up the fact that bad things keep happening to me... which made me bring up John... 

It's the root of all things "wrong."

Everything just rises up and stems from that.

And that isn't very fair to me. or to Ryan. or to John.

I bring up my "unhappiness" blog because today we went house hunting.

I was looking forward to it.

But Ryan was beyond excited. He was almost giddy. 

It was super cute to watch actually. And made me feel good.

He was excited to live in a home with ME. Forever :) 

But as the day went on... I just began to feel a bit hopeless. I have had this feeling before. Excitement for the future. House hunting, future planning.

And I lost it in a split second.

So the "why bother"monster showed it's ugly face. And I began to pout, whine, etc. because I knew that we weren't going to be able to afford a house right now, etc. etc.

I was shooting down Ryan's dream.

And I was even shooting down my own.

I want more than anything to live the dream I have always dreamed. 

As said in Pretty Woman.."i want the fairy tale."

I do.

I want the house, the husband, the family, the job.

And when we house hunted today I was given the chance to see that life wasn't quite where it was before. And that I had a new path laid out in front of me.

And sometimes that realization can haunt you. And make you feel like if you go down your new path you will lose sight of the path you had once dreamt.

I am not as financially secure as I was before with John.

I do not have the same family support as I did when I was with him.

It very much is me and Ryan fighting for ourselves. 

We are a two person team right now with not a lot of back up.

And it's scary.

I want so much to take a plunge with him.

I want to get a home and start BUILDING our future together so much.

But I am still so worried of something going wrong.

And how I would react to something going wrong.

I mean I stress out over the little things so imagine something a bit bigger going wrong... the way I would react, the impact it would have on me and others. Is that something I can handle right now? 

And how can I better prepare myself to make big leaps for the future?

To start taking a challenge?

To stop letting the little things (and yes, even bigger things) get to me?

To stop the worry?

To control my moods?

To cheer up.

To just let life happen and enjoy myself.

To laugh at the stupid things that don't matter and to focus on the things that do.

God has given me tons of blessings even after such a horrible thing as losing John.

The biggest one being Ryan... who surprises me everyday with his undying love for me.

The man freaking loves me no matter what. It's crazy! Sometimes I have these out of body experiences where I can see myself reacting poorly to situations and I am thinking "this is stupid stop doing this.." and i continue to act poorly and i think "he's going to leave me..." And ya know what? HE DOESN'T. 

He still loves me.

If that isn't the biggest blessing in my life right now then I don't know what it.

Ryan wants to take care of me, and marry me, and start a family with me. He loves me beyond my flaws. He sees past my anxiety and depression and mood swings.

He sees the carefree person I can be. That I used to be.

He basically sees the same person that John fell in love with.

The girl who isn't afraid of anything or anyone. That's so outgoing I could make friends with just about anyone I met.

That loved adventures and exploration.

That was loud and audacious.

That laughed so much she snorted.

And it doesn't mean I am never that.

Just not as much.

I HAVE to work on my ability to LET GO.

I HAVE to set aside petty bullshit.

I HAVE to love Ryan with abundance and with a reckless abandon.

I HAVE to put things into God's hands.

I HAVE to remember myself and who I am and what I stand for.

I HAVE to smile more.

I must.

I must do these things.

I need to freakin' cheer up.

leaves and lyrics

I recently bought the new Sufjan Stevens album. It is AMAZING. I mean every song blows me away... I am completely inspired by it. My favorite song on the album is called "The Age of Adz." Listen to it NOW:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZnycQL6UTow

It takes a couple seconds to get into it... then it just blows you out of the water. I was driving on my way home from St. Petersburg and when I listen to music I really focus on the what the lyrics are saying.... and then they spoke to me....
towards the end of the song Sufjan sings "when I die... when I die... I will rot. But when I live... when I live... I'll give it all I've got."
I then listened to the song over and over for about an hour. I was truly inspired.
John's death has certainly scared me and hurt me. Everyday I am tormented by thoughts of his death... and saddened by the absence of his presence. But, I know he wouldn't want me to stop living. And while I am living.. why don't I just go for it?
And so I am going to do me best to give it all I've got. Some days all I've got won't be much. But I will do what I can.
I am starting to blossom as a person.
I am opening myself up to new things.
I want to renew myself and make myself a better person.
One thing I want to do is open myself up to others and help find the best in themselves.
I want to share the love I have inside of me with others. Because I can no longer give it all to John....
and as much as I wish I could...
it won't be happening.

I have decided I am getting a tattoo.
I know this is going to piss my dad off and I know that I was always against them... but after John died.. my world perspective has changed.
I guess I have loosened up a little bit.
Perhaps I am a bit apathetic towards things. Perhaps I am just more carefree. Perhaps I am in my "fuck it all" stage. Either way... my vision has changed.
So, to be appropriate I have decided to get a leaf tattoo.
To the average Joe it will be a symbol that represents my name. Of course.
To those who are informed it represents many things... mainly my life "turning a new leaf." It also will represent the season in which I would marry John. Our wedding was going to have a leaf theme... with the colors of fall.
I am probably going to get it on my left wrist. it can be covered up by a watch if need be.
Im not scared about it.
I don't think I will regret it.
I think I am pretty level headed about the decision.

And as much as I believe I am making smart decisions I know there are times when my decisions will be rash and less thought through.
I have gone through my life being extremely cautious.
I was always careful. I was always thinking about consequences.
And as careful and cautious as I was... I still lost John. There was nothing I could do to save him. We were both so careful. We planned everything out. We were responsible and doing everything in perfect order. We had our whole lives planned.
And then in one night... in one blink of an eye... it changed. And it wasn't part of our plans.

And it pointed out to me that sometimes our plans don't work out.

So, yes. Maybe I feel like I shouldn't try so hard.
I mean, what's the point?!
It shows me what little control I have in this life.
It doesn't mean I am going to throw all plans out the window. I just won't be as surprised when they don't work out.
And I am going to do things that make me happy... now.
Because who knows when I won't have those opportunities anymore.


Sometimes in the midst of trying to live my life I come to a screeching halt. And I am pounded by a symptom which often I do not deal with. It's guilt.
I don't feel guilty about how our relationship was when John died.
I feel guilty that I am still living on and he cannot.
Because our relationship was at it's peak. And I couldn't imagine coming down from that. We had it all and we had it figured out. And John left this Earth the happiest he could have been. And I am left here to suffer and deal with his absence. And even though I know he would want me to be happy... as many have said and I do believe... I just hate that he can't share this life with me anymore.
It breaks my heart that John can't share moments with me. And I create new memories without him. It's weird.
The seminoles are doing amazing this year... and John isnt here to celebrate with me. He can't watch and cheer with me. That sucks.
One day I will share new moments and memories with a new person.
And will the guilt suck me in? Will I ruin relationships because of it? Or will I be strong enough to take on a new life. Turn a new leaf. Write my new life.


I know that while I am changing the people around me change too.
And some people will accept my new changes.
Others may not.
And as I have learned from other widows, you might lose some friends.
But you will also gain some.
I would love to have both.
Why can't I?
It's not my choice really.
It's others choice.

I am changed forever.
My life will never be the same.

Gypsy

I officially hate nighttime now.
It has to be the worst time for someone that has lost someone... especially their signifcant other...who they slept with almost every single night.
for 5 and a half years.
In fact, John and I slept in the same bed months before we "officially" dated. It was nothing romantic or anything. It was just company. It was a person to talk to at night. I was lucky John was a guy who would talk back to me in bed. I know there are a lot of guys who get in bed and then just fall right to sleep. Us women. Well, we have things to discuss. Am I the only one that thinks so?

But for the past 3 weeks I haven't slept with John. And I haven't slept alone. At first it was easy. Everyone planned their nighs to be with me. I had my sisters and sister-in-law there for the first week or so to be with me. They would rub my back, hold my hand, etc. and keep me company. Then, people eventually had to get home. Karen had to go be a mom to her 3 daughters and a wife to my brother. Raheann had to tend to her husband and loving dog, Buddy. Kristi had to fly back to Vegas and take care of my 3 year old niece, Makenzi. I am lucky that although my family departed to their various regions of the United States... I still have lots of friends close by. I have invaded the beds of many... Courtney, Erica, Lindsay, Megan, Evan, Annie, etc. etc. And I can't thank these girls enough. And their boyfriends and husbands.

There was a night where I had noone lined up and noone could take me in. I was in a panic. I sat downstairs with Jim and Sarah and texted everyone I know but I couldn't get a hold of anyone... and everyone has their lives apparently.
Sarah insisted I just stay downstairs and watch the TV until I fall asleep. So, Sarah and Jim went upstairs to bed and I sat there in front of the TV. Wide eyed. Resistant on taking a vallium.
Then... 15 minutes later I hear the all too familiar heavy footsteps upstairs of Jim Seay. He told me to go up and sleep with Sarah and he would take the downstairs room. So, I did. Her snoring didn't bother me one bit. Jim mentioned it was comforting. And I agree.

I have an extreme feeling of guilt about the fact that I can't sleep alone. I feel like I am intruding in everyone's lives.... I call myself the "gypsy." I have a bag... I keep it filled with shoes and clothes and everything I need and I go from one place to the next. I feel pressured into trying to sleep by myself. But. I am terrified.
I also find it extremely unfair (as you will soon find out I think lots of things are now).... that everyone got to go back to their normal lives and go to bed that night hugging tight to their significant other and being so thankful to have them... and I don't. And that is why when the sun sets... my spirits lower. It's this impending doom. It's the pressure of 'well, who's house will I invade today?' 'which one of my girlfriends is kicking their husband out of the bed tonight?'
I hate being that girl.
The sad girl.

When people say they will help with anything I need... do they mean it? Will you answer your phone at 3am when I am crying and need someone to just listen to me cry? Will you come over and sleep with me and keep me company just because the thought of sleeping alone scares the living shit out of me now?
I have a friend. She lost her husband 4 weeks before I lost John. She has been sleeping with her mom every night now for almost 2 months. I have another friend. She lost her husband and had a rotation of friends that stayed with her for over 3 months. So, why is it after 3 weeks I feel like I sometimes have no one to turn to??

I know I have a great support system. Everyone has been so kind. No, you don't know what to say. That's ok. You don't have to say anything. I don't mind the silence. Sometimes thats better. It keeps you from saying something stupid.
And if you want to talk about John I am ok with that. I rather that than you completely ignorning the subject and acting as if he never existed. Because he did. He was my life. He was my future.

Try and imagine this. Imagine your whole future laid out before you. And that future is this handsome, adoring, sensitive, amazing man. Imagine you come home and you find him lifeless and gone. Imagine half of you left with him.
Now, you sleep alone.

Not too easy is it?


For now I NEED people. Please don't ignore me and be scared. I need my friends. Being a loner is NOT the way I grieve.
And for now. I won't be sleeping alone.
And that's another way I will grieve. And it will take time. And I am NOT crazy. This is just what I need to do to make it through this.