I recently bought the new Sufjan Stevens album. It is AMAZING. I mean every song blows me away... I am completely inspired by it. My favorite song on the album is called "The Age of Adz." Listen to it NOW:
It takes a couple seconds to get into it... then it just blows you out of the water. I was driving on my way home from St. Petersburg and when I listen to music I really focus on the what the lyrics are saying.... and then they spoke to me....
towards the end of the song Sufjan sings "when I die... when I die... I will rot. But when I live... when I live... I'll give it all I've got."
I then listened to the song over and over for about an hour. I was truly inspired.
John's death has certainly scared me and hurt me. Everyday I am tormented by thoughts of his death... and saddened by the absence of his presence. But, I know he wouldn't want me to stop living. And while I am living.. why don't I just go for it?
And so I am going to do me best to give it all I've got. Some days all I've got won't be much. But I will do what I can.
I am starting to blossom as a person.
I am opening myself up to new things.
I want to renew myself and make myself a better person.
One thing I want to do is open myself up to others and help find the best in themselves.
I want to share the love I have inside of me with others. Because I can no longer give it all to John....
and as much as I wish I could...
it won't be happening.
I have decided I am getting a tattoo.
I know this is going to piss my dad off and I know that I was always against them... but after John died.. my world perspective has changed.
I guess I have loosened up a little bit.
Perhaps I am a bit apathetic towards things. Perhaps I am just more carefree. Perhaps I am in my "fuck it all" stage. Either way... my vision has changed.
So, to be appropriate I have decided to get a leaf tattoo.
To the average Joe it will be a symbol that represents my name. Of course.
To those who are informed it represents many things... mainly my life "turning a new leaf." It also will represent the season in which I would marry John. Our wedding was going to have a leaf theme... with the colors of fall.
I am probably going to get it on my left wrist. it can be covered up by a watch if need be.
Im not scared about it.
I don't think I will regret it.
I think I am pretty level headed about the decision.
And as much as I believe I am making smart decisions I know there are times when my decisions will be rash and less thought through.
I have gone through my life being extremely cautious.
I was always careful. I was always thinking about consequences.
And as careful and cautious as I was... I still lost John. There was nothing I could do to save him. We were both so careful. We planned everything out. We were responsible and doing everything in perfect order. We had our whole lives planned.
And then in one night... in one blink of an eye... it changed. And it wasn't part of our plans.
And it pointed out to me that sometimes our plans don't work out.
So, yes. Maybe I feel like I shouldn't try so hard.
I mean, what's the point?!
It shows me what little control I have in this life.
It doesn't mean I am going to throw all plans out the window. I just won't be as surprised when they don't work out.
And I am going to do things that make me happy... now.
Because who knows when I won't have those opportunities anymore.
Sometimes in the midst of trying to live my life I come to a screeching halt. And I am pounded by a symptom which often I do not deal with. It's guilt.
I don't feel guilty about how our relationship was when John died.
I feel guilty that I am still living on and he cannot.
Because our relationship was at it's peak. And I couldn't imagine coming down from that. We had it all and we had it figured out. And John left this Earth the happiest he could have been. And I am left here to suffer and deal with his absence. And even though I know he would want me to be happy... as many have said and I do believe... I just hate that he can't share this life with me anymore.
It breaks my heart that John can't share moments with me. And I create new memories without him. It's weird.
The seminoles are doing amazing this year... and John isnt here to celebrate with me. He can't watch and cheer with me. That sucks.
One day I will share new moments and memories with a new person.
And will the guilt suck me in? Will I ruin relationships because of it? Or will I be strong enough to take on a new life. Turn a new leaf. Write my new life.
I know that while I am changing the people around me change too.
And some people will accept my new changes.
Others may not.
And as I have learned from other widows, you might lose some friends.
But you will also gain some.
I would love to have both.
Why can't I?
It's not my choice really.
It's others choice.
I am changed forever.
My life will never be the same.