Flying.

**I wrote this blog Thursday night on the airplane on my way to Long Island to see my sister and sister-in-law** It basically was my "flying therapy" to keep me distracted while flying alone. I hope it makes sense...

I have a whole row to myself on an airplane.

The cabin is dark and calm.

It’s quiet… well, I assume it is. Coldplay is now singing in my ears so I wouldn’t know what the rest of the cabin sounds like. But I am pretty sure it would be quiet. It’s almost 11pm.

And I now remember why I love night flights.

I am a little nervous though. Not for my usual reasons…not because of flying or anything.

But because Karen (my sister in law) is still in Raleighj waiting at her aiport.

All of our flights were delayed this evening. Mine by about two hours. Hers… well… WHO KNOWS. And now I am on the plane and have no clue what her fate will be until I land in NY two hours from now. Grr!

I am nervous because we have planning this getaway for a long time now.

How could we let BALTIMORE ruin it for us?
We have a very important date with Jimmy Fallon tomorrow.
We cannot afford to miss it.

It’s Karen’s dream. She LOVES Jimmy Fallon too. (it’s just ANOTHER thing that makes us soul mates. Our taste in funny men. Haha).

I am landing in NY at 12:50am.

Yes. Late.

And tomorrow is supposed to be a fun filled day in the city.  For Karen especially.

Sight seeing.

And Jimmy, of course.

…..

oh no.

turbulance.

It’s happening right now.

I hate it.
And Ryan isn’t here to hold my hand. To rub my palm and reassure me… “it’s ok.” “everything is going to be ok.”

I look around the cabin and I notice everyone else seems to be calm and composed. Is this not bothering them? Is it just bothering me?
Why can’t I be calm like them?

The answer is: they don’t know what fear feels like.

They have never looked it in the face.

Like me.

Life changed for me when I lost John. I saw death. I met it. I looked it in the face. I was forever changed. My innocence filled with fear. And anxiety. And I lost that calm. But I don’t want to be forever changed. I want to be that carefree girl again. I want to pretend that bad things don’t happen. Especially to good people. I want to feel that again.

Oh, God.

Please grant me that peace again.

The turbulence has stopped for now.

And I am starting to feel better.

THANK GOD for my klonipin.

I take it before every flight.

Airports have their routine.
And here is mine:

·      Check in—always on time…I am not a late girl. I just don’t do it. Especially with travel. I am usually very anxious to get to wherever I am going. I am ready to go.

… Except tonight….
because I had to say goodbye to Ryan. See. Ryan is my travel buddy. He’s supposed to go with me everywhere. When he went on my first trip with me I vowed he would have to go on all of my trips with me forever.
Did I just break that vow?
I guess so? But Karen is worth it. She is my exception J

SO. I kissed him goodbye. I kissed my fluff ball (Lily) goodbye… and headed towards my gate

·      Checking in was so simple when it’s late. NO ONE is here. Why would I ever fly any other time? Maybe I should keep this in mind. It’s quite nice. I BREEZED by through security. In fact, they were actually NICE. It’s amazing how less stress can make everyone much more pleasant. We had conversations.

·      And then I boarded the wrong tram.

·      And then I turned around and boarded the right tram (this is a typical Autumn move) I can’t tell you how many times I have flown out of Orlando but… I will find some way to screw it up. I blame you, ryan. You should have been here to fix me J hehe xoxo

·      Wait. And wait.
Realize you didn’t bring headphones. Head over to the best buy machine. And then contemplate it. SHOULD I BUY HEADPHONES? There really is no question with me. I do NOT fly without music. I can’t. It’s the only thing I have to calm me down…. So… my options varied. $20 headphones were cheapest. It went all the way up to $300 Bose headphones. Of course I wanted the Bose… mainly because I used to have them.  (but seriously I bought the cheapest pair. Hello. I am a teacher.)

o   Story time: I won a pair of Bose noise cancelling headphones in a contest once. I was sooooo excited!!!! They were PERFECT for me. I traveled all the time… and they were so expensive and I got them for FREE! Yes!

And you know who else was excited? John.

He stole them from me ;) He loved them.

And I let him take them to Europe. They survived the whole trip. And then… they disappeared. I was heart broken. And I have longed to have another pair forever. But can’t bring myself to buy them. Because I am cheap.

I hope another opportunity arises where I can win another pair.

·      Board the plane.

·      Pick a seat. I pick window. EVERYTIME. It’s my favorite spot. I like to watch everything… and I watch INTENTLY on take off and landing. I have slept through landings twice. It was weird. Because I never do that. It’s kind of cool because one moment you are in the air… and the next you are at your destination and you missed any moment of fear and anxiety. But I like landing. It’s fun. I dunno…. It’s like a “hallelujah” moment for me. WE MADE IT. YAY!

·      Take off is always nerve wrecking for me. But tonight went fine.
I secretly wear my headphones. And listen to music. I can’t do take offs without music.

o   Story time: John taught me a trick… and it  was one of the reasons he wore hoodies when we traveled (besides the fact that he always found a reason to sport one). He would put the hood on and pretend he was napping and it would hide his headphones. Thanks, John! I still do that. In your honor, of course.

My usual music for take off is consistent. It never really changes. It’s “Recycled Air” by The Postal Service.  The lyrics are literally about flying… and it seems perfect. I am one of those who likes music to be relevant and what is more fitting than that?

Tonight I changed it.
I played Coldplay.
not airplane related.
But Autumn related.
Coldplay wrote their music for me.
But I picked an interesting song to listen to… I picked Princess of China.

And then I got to watch all the little cars turn into little fireflys wandering around in straight lines. Back and forth. Up and down. Mazes of lights in the darkness. Organized patterns. Of light.

·      Flying. I am flying in the air now. And my drink of choice??? HOT TEA. I get it EVERYTIME I fly. With cream and sugar. I asked if they had lemon… they did not but they have limes. So I said sure. It was a great choice. J It’s a yummy drink

o   My drink of choice has not always been hot tea. When I marched drum corps it used to be GINGER ALE. It was my tradition. Every month I would fly to camps…everywhere… Illinois… Wisconsin… New jersey… and ginger ale it was. And peanuts. Back before airlines were afraid to give out peanuts. Luckily Southwest isn’t scared… and they still give out peanuts. GO SOUTHWEST.

·      Missing Ryan…………. I miss my Ryan……..

* Ok it’s midnight. And we MUST be going over this bad weather in Baltimore because the turbulence is really bothersome. My stomach is hurting a lot… my anxiety causes my IBS to act up and then I am nothing but a worrisome panicky ball of stomach pains. It’s just churning.

I have tried methods to calm down.

I have started doing breathing exercises.

I have tried to listen to soothing music

I have prayed.

And now I am writing.

There’s a woman a few rows in front of me with a baby. How in the world do people travel with babies??? And how in the world will I ever be able to calm a child down when I am a nervous wreck myself?

Ok. The next step for this must be…. To lay down. I have three seats. I can try this.

And here we go……….

emotional bursting

I am a ball of emotions right now.

For so many reasons.

First.
I am laying next to my really hot boyfriend.
no, seriously.
he has a fever.
The bed feels like a sauna.
And I can't tell you how many times I have checked to watch Ryan's chest rise and fall. I mean, this CANNOT be normal. Any NORMAL girl would be like "oh cute I get to play nurse now and take care of my sick baby cakes..."
NO.
That's not me.
My head says "omg omg. check his temperature like 50 times and ask him a million questions about how he feels. get the keys ready if a ER trip is needed."
THAT. IS. NOT. NORMAL.

What I have been through makes me beyond a freak.
Will I ever learn to think positively?
Will I ever stop jumping to bizarre conclusions?
Can I ever just accept that Ryan doesn't feel good? That he just needs fluids and sleep... like most who are sick.

CAN I JUST PLEASE BE NAIVE AGAIN?????
PLEASE.

Besides being a paranoid freak...
I ran across this video on facebook tonight that someone tagged me in. It was a PASIC 2005 drum video that John was in. In fact, the whole video is talking about John. And he's in it.
It caught me off guard.
(like most things do anyway)
I just started crying in the bed (next to sick Ryan)
I wasn't expecting there to be this video... of living and breathing John. He isn't in the video much... but when he is I am completely taken aback.
I feel like I am seeing fiction now when I see videos of him. Like it can't be real. Then it's a smack in the face. He existed. That life existed.
He was mine and I was his.
That was a life we both shared.
And now my life is completely different.


.........

Which brings me to the last element in my emotions for tonight.
LOVE.
I feel love.
I am so much in love with Ryan.
I feel it more and more each day. I feel the ping of sadness when he isn't around and I feel absolutely horrified when he isn't feeling well.
I am even a bit sad I am leaving him for four days on Thursday.
Because I love him.
And not only do I love him... but I love the people in his life.
I honestly didn't know how well his friends would accept me when we first started dating.
And then we realized that many of them weren't around.
Then a fortunate event happened when John's best friend, Steve, moved back to Orlando... and his lovely wife, Natalie!
I have started to bond with both of them and I feel so excited to have additional friends in my life.
Friends that we share.
People that are connected to me and Ryan.
And people that I genuinely love. already. see? I told you once I love someone it's stuck. I love these people. I love Ryan's friends.

And even better... I got to keep a lot of my friends that I made with John.
And his family.
Ryan and I took out John's dad for lunch the other day. I couldn't help but later think in the car (where I do most of my thinking) (besides ansomnia nights in bed) that I am sooooo fortunate to still have that bond.
And I am still loved by them.
AND they love RYAN.
JOHN'S FAMILY LOVES RYAN.




See!
This is why I can't sleep at night.
Because all at once... I don't even know how it happens... my mind/spirit/body fills with worry/remorse/love/excitement/sadness/happiness/fear.
ALL AT ONCE.
And then I feel I may burst.


Who can teach me the ways?
To harness all these emotions?

Cheer up, buttercup

I think there is this part of me that still refuses to be happy. 

Like it won't allow it.

And I believe part of it stems from various things.

1) People- I still have a strange feeling that some people are uncomfortable about me moving forward in my life and loving again. And when I am around those people or feel like those people are paying attention... I have to find ways to show I am still unhappy at times. I have to prove to people sometimes that I am still grieving. Because i do not always know if they believe me. It sounds weird and just plain wrong... but I know that they are out there.

2) Guilt- I still suffer from a tinge of guilt for moving forward with Ryan. I don't think it is too overwhelming but when I let it linger and sit in my system it builds and builds until I give in. And then I let it go and let it out. The guilt of wanting happiness again. No one should EVER have to have any sort of guilt for wanting to be happy or live a fulfilled life but I do get that sense sometimes. Which i think stems from the next part.....

3) Fear.- I am soooo afraid sometimes. in fact this may be the number 1 reason for my unhappiness. Now that my life is coming back together again after it fell apart when I lost John... I get a weird feeling it will collapse again. Things that I had done with John are starting to happen with Ryan. Those exciting life changing moments... living together, loving each other, getting jobs, looking at houses, planning for the future, talking marriage and babies... and I am afraid if I let it happen that I will lose it again. And it scares the shit out of me. Because if I lost it all again I don't think I would possibly recover.

4) Bitterness- I am still quite bitter for things that have happened to me. My anger towards my past events will flare up when something goes wrong in the present. I.E. today I got angry because my new car charger doesn't work with my phone. So it made me bring up how my car was broken into a couple weeks ago... which made me bring up the fact that bad things keep happening to me... which made me bring up John... 

It's the root of all things "wrong."

Everything just rises up and stems from that.

And that isn't very fair to me. or to Ryan. or to John.

I bring up my "unhappiness" blog because today we went house hunting.

I was looking forward to it.

But Ryan was beyond excited. He was almost giddy. 

It was super cute to watch actually. And made me feel good.

He was excited to live in a home with ME. Forever :) 

But as the day went on... I just began to feel a bit hopeless. I have had this feeling before. Excitement for the future. House hunting, future planning.

And I lost it in a split second.

So the "why bother"monster showed it's ugly face. And I began to pout, whine, etc. because I knew that we weren't going to be able to afford a house right now, etc. etc.

I was shooting down Ryan's dream.

And I was even shooting down my own.

I want more than anything to live the dream I have always dreamed. 

As said in Pretty Woman.."i want the fairy tale."

I do.

I want the house, the husband, the family, the job.

And when we house hunted today I was given the chance to see that life wasn't quite where it was before. And that I had a new path laid out in front of me.

And sometimes that realization can haunt you. And make you feel like if you go down your new path you will lose sight of the path you had once dreamt.

I am not as financially secure as I was before with John.

I do not have the same family support as I did when I was with him.

It very much is me and Ryan fighting for ourselves. 

We are a two person team right now with not a lot of back up.

And it's scary.

I want so much to take a plunge with him.

I want to get a home and start BUILDING our future together so much.

But I am still so worried of something going wrong.

And how I would react to something going wrong.

I mean I stress out over the little things so imagine something a bit bigger going wrong... the way I would react, the impact it would have on me and others. Is that something I can handle right now? 

And how can I better prepare myself to make big leaps for the future?

To start taking a challenge?

To stop letting the little things (and yes, even bigger things) get to me?

To stop the worry?

To control my moods?

To cheer up.

To just let life happen and enjoy myself.

To laugh at the stupid things that don't matter and to focus on the things that do.

God has given me tons of blessings even after such a horrible thing as losing John.

The biggest one being Ryan... who surprises me everyday with his undying love for me.

The man freaking loves me no matter what. It's crazy! Sometimes I have these out of body experiences where I can see myself reacting poorly to situations and I am thinking "this is stupid stop doing this.." and i continue to act poorly and i think "he's going to leave me..." And ya know what? HE DOESN'T. 

He still loves me.

If that isn't the biggest blessing in my life right now then I don't know what it.

Ryan wants to take care of me, and marry me, and start a family with me. He loves me beyond my flaws. He sees past my anxiety and depression and mood swings.

He sees the carefree person I can be. That I used to be.

He basically sees the same person that John fell in love with.

The girl who isn't afraid of anything or anyone. That's so outgoing I could make friends with just about anyone I met.

That loved adventures and exploration.

That was loud and audacious.

That laughed so much she snorted.

And it doesn't mean I am never that.

Just not as much.

I HAVE to work on my ability to LET GO.

I HAVE to set aside petty bullshit.

I HAVE to love Ryan with abundance and with a reckless abandon.

I HAVE to put things into God's hands.

I HAVE to remember myself and who I am and what I stand for.

I HAVE to smile more.

I must.

I must do these things.

I need to freakin' cheer up.

1.2.3. freak out time

i was sitting on the couch next to ryan.
and he had been waiting to tell me something.
i am usually good about these things... about if someone is holding back on me.
i wait.

Ryan looks a bit concerned.

He then goes on to tell me that while he had been driving that day he had gotten light headed and thought he was going to pass out. he said he had pains in his chest. (insert dire panic here) He went on saying that he was currently feeling those chest pain again and he thought it would be a good idea to head to the doctor.

this is where my own inner panic started to take control.

What did I want to do???

run away.
cry.
scream. yell.

What did I have to do??

be a big girl.
take the lead.
control myself.
breathe.


My body was moving in a sort of slow motion inside my head even though I knew I was rushing around on the outside. We went in the car and i didn't want to talk. i didn't want the details. mainly because i was afraid of them. i was trying the best i could not to start having a panic attack or let my mind wander to a dark place. and i didn't want to have to take my medicine. i just wanted to be there for him. i wanted to be the normal girlfriend that he deserves to have that should handle these situations rationally and say "i am sure it is nothing, honey." i don't want to make his fears worse. just because the worst has happened to me before. and it's hard to believe in the "it's just nothing, my dear."

we went to a clinic.
and they sent us to the ER.
typical stuff.

i was doing ok.
i wasn't losing it.
i was very calm as we drove to the ER.
I started to plan out how it would pan out.
I already threw working the next day out the window.
I didn't want to text or call anyone and let them know we were going to the ER.
It was like I thought it I admitted it then something would happen. like i was jinxing everything. I didn't want to even believe this was happening. to take ryan to the ER because of chest pain.
As we were signing in to the ER I went to the restroom.
I started crying.
ya know... the ugly kind.

it lasted a minute.
i gave myself that much.

then i went back to ryan.

we made sure the nurses were aware of my past experience. you could tell i was taking it a little harder than most. i have this pasted face of fear. as much as i try and be the bigger person and take care of my boyfriend... i am a damaged and wounded grieving woman who cannot handle the loss of another person I am in love with. 

just walking through the hospital doors was like taking a knife and slowly pushing it through my chest.

it was absolute torture.

fast forward 4 hours......

....

after watching ryan get EKGs an bloodwork and Xrays.... we found out that he was in perfectly good health as far as his heart goes. he has some inflammation in his chest and will be on steroids for a week. It was an absolute relief to hear. although because of my past experiences i feel like ryan has been a little more paranoid about things and so we followed up with his doctor and have been taking every precaution possible to make sure he is 100%.

and poor ryan.... not feeling well and also upset for hurting me.
you could tell it was hard for him to tell me. you could tell it kills him to make me worry and hurt.
i hate that before his own health he puts my own feelings first.
he just wants me to feel good and be happy.
it's what we want for each other.

In my mind i started to run through what life would be like without this worry.
the only way that would be possible would be that if i didn't date ryan.
or anyone for that matter.
the only way to never be worried or hurt is to be single forever.
and i just don't think that is something i could ever do.

so, for now I am gonna take a risk at life. as i did before... and be with ryan.
he's worth it.
and he's healthy.
and we are in God's hands.

                                                   ryan being brave and taking it like a champ.

On my own again.

Today I went to my new school to check out the band room... and the rest of the school. I finally got rid of all the boxes and stuff in my car I have been keeping in their in high hopes it would find another home. It was nice having Ryan there to help me unload everything. Sometimes I have to stop and think about how thankful I am to have him in my life. Not just to help me unpack into my new school... but so much more. Someone that wants to help me and take care of me.

As I walked around my new room and placed the boxes down I started to get multiple feelings stirring around inside of me.

excited.

that I found a job.

that I am getting a new set of students. a lot of them actually.

that it's a well established program.

that's it's a new beginning.

nervous.

because i am on my own again.

i will no longer have Nicole to hold on to.

she was perfect at that time in my life. when i needed the support and someone to help me out.

but now that i am back on my own again i feel like i have to relearn to ride a bike.

part of me is terrified... about starting over. about being accepted by students again. about not having a fall back. if something goes wrong it's my neck back on the line. it's all back in my hands.

And to think... it's not like I haven't done this before! I have taken programs that barely existed and tripled their size. I have won thousands of dollars worth of grants. This is my 5th year teaching.

i hate being afraid of EVERYTHING now.

the worry and the fear.

it's overwhelming.

i try to remember what it's like on the first day of school and i can barely remember. maybe because this time last year i was still in some sort of fog. i didn't even finish my year at walker. i had to leave with a month of school left.

there is a lot of responsibility in teaching. a lot more for band directors.

so, i guess it's normal to be scared.

but it's also normal to be excited.

and I guess I'm not so alone.

I have Ryan... and as we moved stuff into the new room today he seemed more excited than me. it was like watching a kid explore a new playground.

he was in and out of all the rooms and touching everything he came across.

it was cute to watch.

i know that this is something he wants to do as well.

And although it was fun to explore the new room.. my mind started reeling with to-do lists.

This will be a good, new start for me.

This will be what I need.

It's going to be fine on my own again.

to make my own decisions. to live out of the shadows of others. to take responsibility. to create my own thing. mold it and make it my own.

but for now... i shall enjoy the rest of my summer :)

Lucky in Love

Today I posted this picture of Ryan on my facebook:

It's a picture of Ryan making a ring... made out of a straw wrapper... and placing it on my finger. He has done this before... and when he makes them I wear them all day. As silly as it seems it feels good to wear something on this finger again... even if it is made out of paper. Even when I wear John's engagement ring I now wear it on my right hand. Once in awhile I slip it on my left for the feel of it. I miss it's weight. I miss looking at it while I drive. I miss being engaged.

One of my friends commented below the picture that I have "struck gold twice" and that I am "lucky in love." I have never been able to put the word lucky together with my life. The combination never makes so much sense to me. But I tell Ryan all the time how lucky I am that we found each other. But more so than anything I tell him I blessed.

Because I truly believe it's a God thing.

And as weird as it seems... to think me, a girl that has lost it all, is lucky in love... perhaps I am.

John was AMAZING.

We had a relationship people could envy.

We figured it out.

We were IT. we were the people you wanted to be like.

When he died I was sure that NO ONE would ever even come close to filling those shoes. I would never love like I loved John.

In fact, I didn't really think I would be able to love again at all.

It just didn't seem possible.

Guys were scum. I found the best one.

What do you do when the best guy in the world dies?

You eventually find someone...

and realize that they just as amazing.. and in their own unique way.

And you create a relationship that is surprisingly perfect.

And this person loves you for who you are.

and they don't judge your past.

and they respect the affection you still hold for the person you lost.

and will do anything to make you happy.

I struck gold twice.

I have found the two most amazing men in the world.

God sent me not one... but TWO angels.

I just really hope and pray that God will allow me to keep Ryan.

I still have a fear of him being taken from me.

and i don't know if that fear will ever go away.

because the happier I get.... and the more in love I am... and the stronger our relationship grows... means the harder it would be on me to lose that. to lose again.

I try so hard to push away the fear.

To pull out of dark thoughts.

To try and live my life now and not focus on the what ifs and the looming fear of death.

I want to truly enjoy the happiness I have now with Ryan.

It's what I deserve.

Well, it's what we both deserve honestly.

doors shutting.

I have been absent from blogging for a few weeks not. Unintentionally. At first... it was for a good reason. I was busy with life. very busy. With Ryan and work and friends. All seemed to be going well...

and then this past week... the day I had been dreading arrived.

My principal called me into her office and gave me the news that I would not be returning to my school next year to teach. of course, this hit me hard. And I became quite sad. and then mad.

First off, I love my job. and i loved my new school. I get misty eyed just thinking about leaving these kids...

And then there's the fact that I have not been able to keep a stable job for more than two years. This was my 3rd school in 4 years. RIDICULOUS.

I have never had a chance to watch my babies (6th graders) go through their whole three years and watch them move on to high school. I have never had a program cycle through that I can say was completely MINE.

I also have not obtained tenure due to the fact that I was once in another county.

And let me mention the worst part.... the school that I am at now TOOK ME AWAY from the school that I was once at. they ASKED me to come over. And at the time it was a great idea. I needed change and a fresh start. I needed new. I was weak an vulnerable. I was on the verge of quitting teaching because I couldn't handle the routine that reminded me of my life with John. Going to OMS refreshed my teaching spirit.

And yet, was this even a thought process when the decision to not hire me again was made???

My associate even told me she would fight for me. Yet, when the day came... I saw no fight. Instead she cried. And I went home to sulk for the day on my once again unlucky fortune.

I then got angry.

With all the shit I have been through how can someone honestly take away my job? My income? my safe haven? The place that helped rescue me from my darkness? I don't know if people truly think through the impact that have on others when they make these very serious decisions. or maybe they do. and they have to go to sleep at night with that burden on their shoulders. which is reason #1,503 why I could NEVER be a principal.

I know that money is tough.

I know that 2 band directors is where cuts can be made when the budget is slim.

But honestly, you just let go a girl who hasn't had a stable life in quite a while.

A girl who is trying to start a new life.

Ryan and I are moving into a place together. On our own. (thank god) no roommates. no stupid annoying neighborhood. No more ghetto.

Just me and him.

Starting OUR life. together.

with no job in the picture for me and a part time job for him... HOW THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO PULL THIS OFF?

It's been causing me restless nights and extreme tension. I know the phrase "when one door closes... another one opens..."

but for me I feel like I have had way more doors opening then closing.

and how frequent will doors be closing in my life.

I can't help but see nothing but one door after another opening in other people's lives. And I am struggling day to day.

I just pray a big door opens very soon.

and stays open, please.

self destruct in 3...2...1....

i am no big fan of self diagnosis.... but here we go....

not too long after John died I had come to the conclusion that I was suffering some sort of separation anxiety. but i knew i had suffered before his death too. being a psychology minor in college i was very aware of the condition called separation anxiety. it's where children go through a developmental stage where they are afraid to be separated from their main caregiver (usually a parent).

one day i just thought "i wonder if there is ADULT separation anxiety..."

so. lo' and behold: google.

and here you go:

http://anxietypanichealth.com/reference/separation-anxiety-disorder-adult/

specifically read these:

The diagnostic criteria for Separation Anxiety Disorder in the DSM-IV are as follows:[19]

A. Developmentally inappropriate and excessive anxiety concerning separation from home or from those to whom the individual is attached, as evidenced by three (or more) of the following:

1. Recurrent excessive distress when separation from home or major attachment figures occurs or is anticipated.
2. Persistent and excessive worry about losing, or about possible harm befalling, major attachment figures.
3. Persistent and excessive worry that an untoward event will lead to separation from a major attachment figure(e.g.; getting lost or being kidnapped).
4. Persistent reluctance or refusal to go to school or elsewhere because fear of separation.
5. Persistent and excessively fearful or reluctant to be alone or without major attachment figures at home or without significant adults in other settings.
6. Persistent reluctance or refusal to go to sleep without being near a major attachment figure or to sleep away from home.
7. Repeated nightmares involving the theme of separation.
8. Repeated complaints of physical symptoms (such as headaches, stomach aches, nausea, or vomiting) when separation from major attachment figures occurs or is anticipated.

I almost suffer from every single one of those symptoms. fuck.

So, now i KNOW for a fact that it DOES exist. I didn't just create this in my head. i even brought it up to my counselor one time in one of our sessions and she agreed on it... said that it was highly likely. where does it even spawn from? because remember...it was PRE-John death. but nowhere near as heavy.

now that i have Ryan i feel like the intensity has increased. i have to FORCE myself to remain calm when i am not around him. i do everything i can to stay distracted... i clean, i take bubble baths, i go see friends, i watch TV and movies, i work on the computer, i shave my legs, i paint my nails, i do laundry, i wash my dog, i play video games, make the bed, read, organize, etc. But my mind stays completely distracted.

And I know something like this can't quite be healthy. it's good to love. it's good to want to be around seomeone... but being physically sick and worried in the absence of their presence? totally makes me seem like a looney and undesireable.

Now that i have found someone amazing.... i dont want to lose it.

and i know that this can get in the way.

the times when John and I would argue were usually about stupid things... and a lot of the times it was about me wanting to spend more and more time with him. I became jealous of things that stole time away from me (and not just people...) his job, TCI, etc. If it didn't involve me i took it personally. one time after an argument John sat on the couch and started to tear up. i remember him saying "i can't believe i am mad at you for wanting to spend time with me..."

it was as if he wasn't so mad anymore.

just sad.

sad perhaps because he didn't quite understand the magnitude of my admiration or .... obsession? that all i needed and wanted in life was to be by his side. to keep him company and have the same in return. and honestly that has always been my number one. to spend time with the people i love the most. and when i fall in love. it's over.

did i mention i am in love?

i am just really nervous of being my own worst enemy.

of running off ryan.

of losing him.

even though he says it isn't so....

this widow thing is hard. fucking hard.

Myocarditis

After a month of sitting around waiting to find of what happened to the love of my life... we finally got an answer.
Let me tell you how frustrated I am with people's initial thoughts to the death of someone who is young. It has to be one of two things to them.
1) drug overdose
2) suicide.

and I guess at some point i might have had the same outlook? i mean if I watched the news and someone said they found a 25 year old dead in his home. i would assume that.
but when John's toxicology came back the day after he had NOTHING in his system. not even aspirin,
this was odd coming from the guy who would take 5 tylenol if he had a headache.
so, we just didn't know what to think.
what could it possibly be?
they had pointed to cardiac and left it at that.

after a month they found it to be a rare disease (actually viral infection) called myocarditis.
this is all i really know.
20% of sudden death in young adults is caused by myocaridits.
it's a virus that's attacks the inner part of the heart.
the symptoms are your normal "boy, i don't feel good..." symptoms. nothing fancy really. nothing shocking and out of the ordinary. you just dont feel good.
and that's how john was. he wasn't feeling good. but he was functioning fine. we went to bed. we watched tv the night before. we woke up and snuggled. it wasn't like he couldn't get out of bed or had any crazy fever. etc.
in fact, i read that myocarditis can only be actually detected through a heart biopsy.
some people get it and have no idea... and then they get better the next day... or, they have heart failure.
it is completely unfair. it's completely random.
it makes no sense. this whole thing doesn't. the virus doesn't either.
it's not hereditary.
it's not contagious.

it's just a freak of nature thing that someone tagged a fancy name on to.
it

and now that I know... do I really feel better?
absolutely not.
knowing doesn't bring john back.
i am glad i can explain it to people.
i am glad no one has to let their imagination run wild anymore
i am relieved it can't be passed on... to me or his family

but in the end i think about how through knowing all of this scientific research.. my soul still longs to understand the meaning of it all.
no fancy medical term can describe my own condition.
i am completely at a disarray. i am at a dead end here.
all i have is a fancy word.
but i am still clueless and empty.
this rare, undetected thing stole john. it snatched him away from me. and i am pissed.

there is no cause to join. no fundraiser for a myocarditis foundation. no myocarditis support group.

it's a term that so far... no one had heard of until this point. at least that I know of. i didn't know it existed... nor did I want to know. because before then i was living in my happy little bubble and NO ONE could burst it.
except for this.
except for the thing i dreaded the most.

when asked my worst fear i always replied "losing someone i love..."
what do you do when your worst fear becomes a reality?
that's like telling someone who is afraid of spiders that they will be surronded in a room with them for the rest of their life. no escape.
they have to deal with it.

i have no escape.
i have to deal with my worst fear daily.




so now that i know. now what?