Tuesday, April 12, 2011

self destruct in 3...2...1....

i am no big fan of self diagnosis.... but here we go....

not too long after John died I had come to the conclusion that I was suffering some sort of separation anxiety. but i knew i had suffered before his death too. being a psychology minor in college i was very aware of the condition called separation anxiety. it's where children go through a developmental stage where they are afraid to be separated from their main caregiver (usually a parent).
one day i just thought "i wonder if there is ADULT separation anxiety..."
so. lo' and behold: google.

and here you go:

specifically read these:

The diagnostic criteria for Separation Anxiety Disorder in the DSM-IV are as follows:[19]

A. Developmentally inappropriate and excessive anxiety concerning separation from home or from those to whom the individual is attached, as evidenced by three (or more) of the following:

  1. Recurrent excessive distress when separation from home or major attachment figures occurs or is anticipated.
  2. Persistent and excessive worry about losing, or about possible harm befalling, major attachment figures.
  3. Persistent and excessive worry that an untoward event will lead to separation from a major attachment figure(e.g.; getting lost or being kidnapped).
  4. Persistent reluctance or refusal to go to school or elsewhere because fear of separation.
  5. Persistent and excessively fearful or reluctant to be alone or without major attachment figures at home or without significant adults in other settings.
  6. Persistent reluctance or refusal to go to sleep without being near a major attachment figure or to sleep away from home.
  7. Repeated nightmares involving the theme of separation.
  8. Repeated complaints of physical symptoms (such as headaches, stomach aches, nausea, or vomiting) when separation from major attachment figures occurs or is anticipated.
I almost suffer from every single one of those symptoms. fuck.
So, now i KNOW for a fact that it DOES exist. I didn't just create this in my head. i even brought it up to my counselor one time in one of our sessions and she agreed on it... said that it was highly likely. where does it even spawn from? because remember...it was PRE-John death. but nowhere near as heavy.
now that i have Ryan i feel like the intensity has increased. i have to FORCE myself to remain calm when i am not around him. i do everything i can to stay distracted... i clean, i take bubble baths, i go see friends, i watch TV and movies, i work on the computer, i shave my legs, i paint my nails, i do laundry, i wash my dog, i play video games, make the bed, read, organize, etc. But my mind stays completely distracted.
And I know something like this can't quite be healthy. it's good to love. it's good to want to be around seomeone... but being physically sick and worried in the absence of their presence? totally makes me seem like a looney and undesireable.
Now that i have found someone amazing.... i dont want to lose it.
and i know that this can get in the way.

the times when John and I would argue were usually about stupid things... and a lot of the times it was about me wanting to spend more and more time with him. I became jealous of things that stole time away from me (and not just people...) his job, TCI, etc. If it didn't involve me i took it personally. one time after an argument John sat on the couch and started to tear up. i remember him saying "i can't believe i am mad at you for wanting to spend time with me..."
it was as if he wasn't so mad anymore.
just sad.
sad perhaps because he didn't quite understand the magnitude of my admiration or .... obsession? that all i needed and wanted in life was to be by his side. to keep him company and have the same in return. and honestly that has always been my number one. to spend time with the people i love the most. and when i fall in love. it's over.
did i mention i am in love?

i am just really nervous of being my own worst enemy.
of running off ryan.
of losing him.
even though he says it isn't so....

this widow thing is hard. fucking hard.

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