Finding Peace

Sometimes I find it hard to find my inner peace in life... especially when the world around me gets crazy. 
I get jealous of people who can keep their cool all the time. 
I wish I could be as ignorant as other people who haven't been through the things that I have been through or seen the stuff that I have.
In fact I would do ANYTHING to be ignorant about death and loss. 

I react so differently to things now.

On Saturday the verdict for the Zimmerman trial came out.. and it really got to me. Not the verdict so much but people's reactions. I just tried to avoid it as much as possible... and I hid anyone that yapped on about it on my fb timeline. I just wasn't in the mood. 
And on the same night I read about the death of Cory Monteith. Seriously????

And at 3am I layed wide-eyed in my bed just pondering it. 
And then it hit me. 
A fucking panic attack! 
GOD I AM SO SICK OF PANIC ATTACKS.
They make me feel out of control. And like I am dying. Like the world is caving in. 
Even with Ryan asleep next to me I can feel completely alone when having a panic attack. I try so hard to convince myself that it's in my head and I can control it. But I can't. I have to let it pass.

So, I got out of bed... hand on my chest... heart pacing out of control... and I made a milk bath. 
At 4am.
It helped somewhat. 
And so did the clonapin I took... although I wish more than anything I could turn the panic around without medication. But I just can't.
Then I cried.
And I wanted to wake up Ryan but felt bad for doing so... so I dealt with it by myself.
It passed.
I lived.

But how does one live in complete peace?
How can I better prevent these feelings of anxiety and tension?
How can I avoid all the bad news in the world?



Please God, give me Peace.

Flying.

**I wrote this blog Thursday night on the airplane on my way to Long Island to see my sister and sister-in-law** It basically was my "flying therapy" to keep me distracted while flying alone. I hope it makes sense...

I have a whole row to myself on an airplane.

The cabin is dark and calm.

It’s quiet… well, I assume it is. Coldplay is now singing in my ears so I wouldn’t know what the rest of the cabin sounds like. But I am pretty sure it would be quiet. It’s almost 11pm.

And I now remember why I love night flights.

I am a little nervous though. Not for my usual reasons…not because of flying or anything.

But because Karen (my sister in law) is still in Raleighj waiting at her aiport.

All of our flights were delayed this evening. Mine by about two hours. Hers… well… WHO KNOWS. And now I am on the plane and have no clue what her fate will be until I land in NY two hours from now. Grr!

I am nervous because we have planning this getaway for a long time now.

How could we let BALTIMORE ruin it for us?
We have a very important date with Jimmy Fallon tomorrow.
We cannot afford to miss it.

It’s Karen’s dream. She LOVES Jimmy Fallon too. (it’s just ANOTHER thing that makes us soul mates. Our taste in funny men. Haha).

I am landing in NY at 12:50am.

Yes. Late.

And tomorrow is supposed to be a fun filled day in the city.  For Karen especially.

Sight seeing.

And Jimmy, of course.

…..

oh no.

turbulance.

It’s happening right now.

I hate it.
And Ryan isn’t here to hold my hand. To rub my palm and reassure me… “it’s ok.” “everything is going to be ok.”

I look around the cabin and I notice everyone else seems to be calm and composed. Is this not bothering them? Is it just bothering me?
Why can’t I be calm like them?

The answer is: they don’t know what fear feels like.

They have never looked it in the face.

Like me.

Life changed for me when I lost John. I saw death. I met it. I looked it in the face. I was forever changed. My innocence filled with fear. And anxiety. And I lost that calm. But I don’t want to be forever changed. I want to be that carefree girl again. I want to pretend that bad things don’t happen. Especially to good people. I want to feel that again.

Oh, God.

Please grant me that peace again.

The turbulence has stopped for now.

And I am starting to feel better.

THANK GOD for my klonipin.

I take it before every flight.

Airports have their routine.
And here is mine:

·      Check in—always on time…I am not a late girl. I just don’t do it. Especially with travel. I am usually very anxious to get to wherever I am going. I am ready to go.

… Except tonight….
because I had to say goodbye to Ryan. See. Ryan is my travel buddy. He’s supposed to go with me everywhere. When he went on my first trip with me I vowed he would have to go on all of my trips with me forever.
Did I just break that vow?
I guess so? But Karen is worth it. She is my exception J

SO. I kissed him goodbye. I kissed my fluff ball (Lily) goodbye… and headed towards my gate

·      Checking in was so simple when it’s late. NO ONE is here. Why would I ever fly any other time? Maybe I should keep this in mind. It’s quite nice. I BREEZED by through security. In fact, they were actually NICE. It’s amazing how less stress can make everyone much more pleasant. We had conversations.

·      And then I boarded the wrong tram.

·      And then I turned around and boarded the right tram (this is a typical Autumn move) I can’t tell you how many times I have flown out of Orlando but… I will find some way to screw it up. I blame you, ryan. You should have been here to fix me J hehe xoxo

·      Wait. And wait.
Realize you didn’t bring headphones. Head over to the best buy machine. And then contemplate it. SHOULD I BUY HEADPHONES? There really is no question with me. I do NOT fly without music. I can’t. It’s the only thing I have to calm me down…. So… my options varied. $20 headphones were cheapest. It went all the way up to $300 Bose headphones. Of course I wanted the Bose… mainly because I used to have them.  (but seriously I bought the cheapest pair. Hello. I am a teacher.)

o   Story time: I won a pair of Bose noise cancelling headphones in a contest once. I was sooooo excited!!!! They were PERFECT for me. I traveled all the time… and they were so expensive and I got them for FREE! Yes!

And you know who else was excited? John.

He stole them from me ;) He loved them.

And I let him take them to Europe. They survived the whole trip. And then… they disappeared. I was heart broken. And I have longed to have another pair forever. But can’t bring myself to buy them. Because I am cheap.

I hope another opportunity arises where I can win another pair.

·      Board the plane.

·      Pick a seat. I pick window. EVERYTIME. It’s my favorite spot. I like to watch everything… and I watch INTENTLY on take off and landing. I have slept through landings twice. It was weird. Because I never do that. It’s kind of cool because one moment you are in the air… and the next you are at your destination and you missed any moment of fear and anxiety. But I like landing. It’s fun. I dunno…. It’s like a “hallelujah” moment for me. WE MADE IT. YAY!

·      Take off is always nerve wrecking for me. But tonight went fine.
I secretly wear my headphones. And listen to music. I can’t do take offs without music.

o   Story time: John taught me a trick… and it  was one of the reasons he wore hoodies when we traveled (besides the fact that he always found a reason to sport one). He would put the hood on and pretend he was napping and it would hide his headphones. Thanks, John! I still do that. In your honor, of course.

My usual music for take off is consistent. It never really changes. It’s “Recycled Air” by The Postal Service.  The lyrics are literally about flying… and it seems perfect. I am one of those who likes music to be relevant and what is more fitting than that?

Tonight I changed it.
I played Coldplay.
not airplane related.
But Autumn related.
Coldplay wrote their music for me.
But I picked an interesting song to listen to… I picked Princess of China.

And then I got to watch all the little cars turn into little fireflys wandering around in straight lines. Back and forth. Up and down. Mazes of lights in the darkness. Organized patterns. Of light.

·      Flying. I am flying in the air now. And my drink of choice??? HOT TEA. I get it EVERYTIME I fly. With cream and sugar. I asked if they had lemon… they did not but they have limes. So I said sure. It was a great choice. J It’s a yummy drink

o   My drink of choice has not always been hot tea. When I marched drum corps it used to be GINGER ALE. It was my tradition. Every month I would fly to camps…everywhere… Illinois… Wisconsin… New jersey… and ginger ale it was. And peanuts. Back before airlines were afraid to give out peanuts. Luckily Southwest isn’t scared… and they still give out peanuts. GO SOUTHWEST.

·      Missing Ryan…………. I miss my Ryan……..

* Ok it’s midnight. And we MUST be going over this bad weather in Baltimore because the turbulence is really bothersome. My stomach is hurting a lot… my anxiety causes my IBS to act up and then I am nothing but a worrisome panicky ball of stomach pains. It’s just churning.

I have tried methods to calm down.

I have started doing breathing exercises.

I have tried to listen to soothing music

I have prayed.

And now I am writing.

There’s a woman a few rows in front of me with a baby. How in the world do people travel with babies??? And how in the world will I ever be able to calm a child down when I am a nervous wreck myself?

Ok. The next step for this must be…. To lay down. I have three seats. I can try this.

And here we go……….

venting.

Here are some things I need to get off my chest right now:

1) schedule conflicts.

I was very spoiled at the beginning of my relationship with Ryan. he had no job and so basically everything revolved around mine and that was that. I got to see him whenever I wasn't working and we had lots and lots of time for each other. Then, once he got jobs... it became a bit more difficult. But we managed... and then summer came. And you think that's when I would have LOTS of time with Ryan but this also hasn't been the case. Because remember I had lost my job? And had to find a part time job just in case? Which happened to be at a really cool place called Blue Man Group. Yeah, cool job... but really NOT GOOD hours. In fact, most of the time our schedules TOTALLY conflict. For instance: Ryan will work a 10am-7pm shift and I will have a 4pm-12am shift. So we won't see each other until almost 1am that night. And although he waits up for me to get home... we go directly to bed when I do. Granted, I only work 3 days a week. But Ryan works about 5 days a week and I do the best I can to make sure we get those days off together.

It's exhausting in the end.

I guess I am ready for my more steady school schedule where I know I will be home at a certain time each day and that I have weekends and holidays off.

The problem is... getting Ryan to have a stable schedule too.

Which doesn't seem like it's going to happen.

2) Anxiety.

My anxiety has been really affecting me lately. It has caused me to leave work TWICE. Once before we started our shift right after I got there and another time WHILE I was working. I radioed for one of my leads and took her in a back room and lost it. Basically, I am a freak and had spoke to Ryan as he was leaving for work and hadn't heard from him since and it had been two hours. This is one of those times when I let my mind wander to a "dark place." (I have mentioned about this before...) and when it does it's like a snowball effect. It is very hard to get myself out of that mindset of "something bad has happened" unless I find a way to fix it. My solution at the time was to just go home.

I remember bawling my eyes out through city walk... passing curious tourists and nosy kids. Who is this weird girl crying at a THEME PARK???

Ryan ended up calling me right as I got to my car.

He had the phone in the other room and had not heard my 1 million attempts to call him.

John had not gotten my text messages or phone calls either.

Because he had died.

And this is why I automatically fear the worst and find myself in panic.

Anxiety is crippling.

It makes you feel like you have no control.

And you really don't.

Sometimes my mind and body go on auto pilot.

It feels awful.

I get numbness in my body... I sweat... my breathing becomes very hard and heavy. My head hurts. It's just very uncomfortable and you just want it to end.

The cure was ryan's phone call.

Although I still cried when I heard his voice.

It was more so a cry of "thank GOD you called me please don't scare me like that again please."

I feel bad Ryan has to put up with me like this.

Why can't he have gotten a more normal girlfriend?

One not exposed to such tragedy ?

One not damaged?

But I am very grateful he DID pick me.

Thank you God again.

3) stupid people.

they surround us daily.

but my patience for them is wearing thin.

mainly for people like ex roommates who still have to pay their part of the rent and say they are going to meet up with me and don't. And then magically do not answer phone calls or texts. It's absolute bullshit.

This will be their last payment and of course they are dragging this out.

I honestly never want to see them again or deal with them again or even talk about them again after this.

But of course, this is a never ending debacle.

We even wrote a CONTRACT and signed it and they are still being irresponsible as ever... and making no possible effort to finish this out.

meanwhile, i could use this money.

the money they owe me anyway!

roommates suck.

i suggest no one ever get one.

unless they are the boyfriend/husband type. then that's ok.

UGH.

Endoscopies and other fun things

So,

I got my endoscopy. Turns out that I have gastritis.

Now, that makes me sound like a really gassy person. But that's not what it is, folks. haha

It's basically in inflammation of the stomach lining. You can find out more about it here.

So.

No more soda. fuck.

no more tomato based anything. shit.

so.... THAT PIZZA AND COKE I HAD THE OTHER DAY... BAD IDEA!!! I went home and it felt like someone was taking scissors to my insides. gross. that was a weird analogy.

So I have my follow up appt. with my doctor on Aug. 1 and then we will talk about the endoscopy (they also took a biopsy) and my thyroid.

So, I guess these issues with my stomach and my thyroid have put a spike in my anxiety. I have been having some hard nights lately in the sleep department. Well, not like that has changed that much but I do feel like there was a period of a few months after John's death where I could actually sleep ok. In fact, sometimes I looked forward to it. Now, I dread sleep. If it weren't for Ryan I would never go to bed. I would be an insomniac.

Even times when I am completely exhausted my mind won't let me rest.

Last night I had a pretty bad panic attack.

I had a semi-dream (because I still kind of felt awake) that I was having a heart attack.

when I woke up I had sharp pains in my left arm.

Of course this makes the panic worse because that's a symptom of heart attack... but it's also a symptom of panic attack.

Panic attacks make you feel like you are dying.

It's very traumatic... to go through this all the time.

And very exhausting.

I hate living in fear. Fear of death and how I will die.

fear that when I close my eyes to sleep I may never open them again... just like John.

so, i have been taking my clonazapem almost every night now.

It's something I haven't had to do much until recently.

I think it's the stress of starting a new job. Having to re-start my life again. You have to think... 4 schools in 5 years!!!! That's a lot of starting over. That's more schools than some will ever go through before they retire. I have been around. (school wise)

So, tonight I am going to let the Lunesta butterfly take me away and not deal with wondering if I am going to have anxiety or not. I will just sleep it through.

I long for a time when I feel free of this fear. free of anxiety and stress. free of worry.

I long to have dreams again of fancy free times and not wake up from nightmares where I lose John or where I am dying.

I think a first step towards establishing this new inner peace is praying MORE. I don't pray nearly enough and it's evident.

The other night I asked ryan to pray with me and he did... right before bed we held hands. And I felt a sense of relief after.

The other thing I need to do is relax more.

Tension runs in my family.

I have a high strung mom and dad. So, alas here I am.

I let EVERYTHING get to me. God picked the wrong person to be a widow.

So. Advice of stress relief is appreciated.

Yoga may be a start but I have had times when i am hanging in weird poses where I think I am gonna pass out... I rather have massages. But, then it's the money thing.

So.

How to de-stress on a budget????

On my own again.

Today I went to my new school to check out the band room... and the rest of the school. I finally got rid of all the boxes and stuff in my car I have been keeping in their in high hopes it would find another home. It was nice having Ryan there to help me unload everything. Sometimes I have to stop and think about how thankful I am to have him in my life. Not just to help me unpack into my new school... but so much more. Someone that wants to help me and take care of me.

As I walked around my new room and placed the boxes down I started to get multiple feelings stirring around inside of me.

excited.

that I found a job.

that I am getting a new set of students. a lot of them actually.

that it's a well established program.

that's it's a new beginning.

nervous.

because i am on my own again.

i will no longer have Nicole to hold on to.

she was perfect at that time in my life. when i needed the support and someone to help me out.

but now that i am back on my own again i feel like i have to relearn to ride a bike.

part of me is terrified... about starting over. about being accepted by students again. about not having a fall back. if something goes wrong it's my neck back on the line. it's all back in my hands.

And to think... it's not like I haven't done this before! I have taken programs that barely existed and tripled their size. I have won thousands of dollars worth of grants. This is my 5th year teaching.

i hate being afraid of EVERYTHING now.

the worry and the fear.

it's overwhelming.

i try to remember what it's like on the first day of school and i can barely remember. maybe because this time last year i was still in some sort of fog. i didn't even finish my year at walker. i had to leave with a month of school left.

there is a lot of responsibility in teaching. a lot more for band directors.

so, i guess it's normal to be scared.

but it's also normal to be excited.

and I guess I'm not so alone.

I have Ryan... and as we moved stuff into the new room today he seemed more excited than me. it was like watching a kid explore a new playground.

he was in and out of all the rooms and touching everything he came across.

it was cute to watch.

i know that this is something he wants to do as well.

And although it was fun to explore the new room.. my mind started reeling with to-do lists.

This will be a good, new start for me.

This will be what I need.

It's going to be fine on my own again.

to make my own decisions. to live out of the shadows of others. to take responsibility. to create my own thing. mold it and make it my own.

but for now... i shall enjoy the rest of my summer :)

self destruct in 3...2...1....

i am no big fan of self diagnosis.... but here we go....

not too long after John died I had come to the conclusion that I was suffering some sort of separation anxiety. but i knew i had suffered before his death too. being a psychology minor in college i was very aware of the condition called separation anxiety. it's where children go through a developmental stage where they are afraid to be separated from their main caregiver (usually a parent).

one day i just thought "i wonder if there is ADULT separation anxiety..."

so. lo' and behold: google.

and here you go:

http://anxietypanichealth.com/reference/separation-anxiety-disorder-adult/

specifically read these:

The diagnostic criteria for Separation Anxiety Disorder in the DSM-IV are as follows:[19]

A. Developmentally inappropriate and excessive anxiety concerning separation from home or from those to whom the individual is attached, as evidenced by three (or more) of the following:

1. Recurrent excessive distress when separation from home or major attachment figures occurs or is anticipated.
2. Persistent and excessive worry about losing, or about possible harm befalling, major attachment figures.
3. Persistent and excessive worry that an untoward event will lead to separation from a major attachment figure(e.g.; getting lost or being kidnapped).
4. Persistent reluctance or refusal to go to school or elsewhere because fear of separation.
5. Persistent and excessively fearful or reluctant to be alone or without major attachment figures at home or without significant adults in other settings.
6. Persistent reluctance or refusal to go to sleep without being near a major attachment figure or to sleep away from home.
7. Repeated nightmares involving the theme of separation.
8. Repeated complaints of physical symptoms (such as headaches, stomach aches, nausea, or vomiting) when separation from major attachment figures occurs or is anticipated.

I almost suffer from every single one of those symptoms. fuck.

So, now i KNOW for a fact that it DOES exist. I didn't just create this in my head. i even brought it up to my counselor one time in one of our sessions and she agreed on it... said that it was highly likely. where does it even spawn from? because remember...it was PRE-John death. but nowhere near as heavy.

now that i have Ryan i feel like the intensity has increased. i have to FORCE myself to remain calm when i am not around him. i do everything i can to stay distracted... i clean, i take bubble baths, i go see friends, i watch TV and movies, i work on the computer, i shave my legs, i paint my nails, i do laundry, i wash my dog, i play video games, make the bed, read, organize, etc. But my mind stays completely distracted.

And I know something like this can't quite be healthy. it's good to love. it's good to want to be around seomeone... but being physically sick and worried in the absence of their presence? totally makes me seem like a looney and undesireable.

Now that i have found someone amazing.... i dont want to lose it.

and i know that this can get in the way.

the times when John and I would argue were usually about stupid things... and a lot of the times it was about me wanting to spend more and more time with him. I became jealous of things that stole time away from me (and not just people...) his job, TCI, etc. If it didn't involve me i took it personally. one time after an argument John sat on the couch and started to tear up. i remember him saying "i can't believe i am mad at you for wanting to spend time with me..."

it was as if he wasn't so mad anymore.

just sad.

sad perhaps because he didn't quite understand the magnitude of my admiration or .... obsession? that all i needed and wanted in life was to be by his side. to keep him company and have the same in return. and honestly that has always been my number one. to spend time with the people i love the most. and when i fall in love. it's over.

did i mention i am in love?

i am just really nervous of being my own worst enemy.

of running off ryan.

of losing him.

even though he says it isn't so....

this widow thing is hard. fucking hard.

flaws

Sometimes I surely feel like I am my own worst enemy.

i really tend to make things harder than they are sometimes.

and it's all because of a few flaws i have. these flaws are my weaknesses. they cause me to fall. to fail. to flounder.

1) patience.

i have none. this has to be my number one flaw. i want things and i want it now. surprisingly, i seem like i have shown a lot of it during my life. i waited over 5 years for john to propose to me. i waited 21 years to have sex. i didn't get a car until i was a sophomore in college.

obviously i have shown patience in my life by force or desire.

but as I get older it gets less and less.

i hate waiting for my life to get better.

i want it better now.

i want to feel good 100% now.

i dont want to wait for good things to happen. i need them now. more than ever. i am losing my patience with people daily. other people's problems just tend to bug me now.

2) envy.

i have admitted this struggle before.

no one would EVER envy the life I live now. at one point i thought maybe others would. and did i find that important? that for once instead of me envying everyone else that i might the kind of life that could be envied? being in absolute love. being supported. having my future planned out just the way i wanted it. i can't believe i was envious then. oh, the lessons i have learned.

3) laziness

i think this is just the depression taking over... but i have found myself too tired to do the things that i used to love to do. things like cooking for instance. I used to love to cook. now i get tired just thinking about it. so, lately i have either been eating things like apples and chips... or i grab fast food and caramel lattes. apparently i am surviving on this. i also suck at cleaning, organizing and thinking in general.

4) anxiety

all in all this messes me up the most.

and the problem with this mostly is that i can't really help it.

I have yet to learn to control my anxiety and panic on my own. in fact, my anxiety is growing steadily worse. now that i am dating i find anxiety interfering with my relationship. i worry. i doubt. i panic. this is normal, however. after the great loss i have been through it is easy to be anxious... and worry about a new found relationship. "will he still like me if..." "will he leave me?" "will he leave me?" "do i scare him off?"

i would love to have a worry free life. i can only imagine the things i could accomplish if this would get out of the way. but it's a road block in my life. causing me to miss out on important moments and to make situations inflate much worse.

Oh, i have many many many more flaws. these are just the ones getting in the way right now. the ones that hold me back from my true potential for peace.

and i am working on them.

at my own lazy pace.

blank canvas

I have the smell of oil paint on my hands. It's been awhile...

I remember i used to paint all the time when I was in college and when I moved to Orlando. I painted so much that eventually john got into it too. His paintings were also so different from mine. sharp shapes and bold colors. prominent use of black. i was all about blending and creating a wide variety of shades... wispy brush strokes... no clear lines. I was carefree.... John took his paintings very seriously. so funny. because in life we were opposite. i took things seriously and John had the relaxed carefree side. art was a different story. except music. because drumming was so freaking natural to him it disgusted me!

The only thing that got in the way of our painting was the price of canvases!!!

But there has been this one canvas.

It's been blank for almost 3 years now.

John got it from a restaurant that was doing a painting competition. He knew we wouldn't compete.... but it was a free canvas... and we knew how valuable it was. We kept the canvas on the kitchen table. It became sort of a joke. it was our "art." Just a plain white canvas. As we have moved from place to place and as I moved here to my apartment... the canvas has traveled with me. When I opened my closet it would mock me. blank. and needing a story. a color.

I have been thinking of this canvas. and what i should be doing with it.

it was easy.

i would paint something for john. a memorial to him. something he would want me to paint.

a sunset.

not just any sunset.... but one of his sunsets. i knew exactly where to find one.

i went into my computer and searched through John's cell phone pictures. I found a few sunset pics. John, despite the tough guy he appeared to be, had a very soft sweet interior. And for some reason he loved sunsets. more so than a sunrise. He would takes multiple pictures of them... on his way home from work, out on the dock, on airplanes, on vacation. i found one he had taken on the lake behind his parents house. filled with an array of blues. this is the one i decided to paint.

I started the base today.

the whole canvas is now covered in blues.

it's no longer blank.

the canvas john meant for me to paint over 3 years ago... and I finally got to it.

it was relaxing to do.

I have had a stressful day.

I went to the gynocologist. ( I know, gross). it's been a year. a year ago I was bragging about how I was close to engagement with the love of my life. i had no worries. i was completely happy.

then i returned back in may for sleeping pills. the doctor i had seen wrote down what had happened and so when I saw my usual doctor today she read through my chart and furrowed her eyebrows. Before I had even went into the room I started to have an anxiety attack. something about the office was bothering me. maybe because I had often taken John with me when I would get my shots to protect against HPV. it was free after all. but the shots hurt a lot and I never wanted to go alone. And John went with me... to the gynocologist.... such a brave man. he didn't care. as I have said many times before.. all to make me happy.

Let me tell you i havent had an anxiety attack in awhile so I had left my clonapin at home. i had to just push through it. my palms started sweating, my body shaking, my heart rate shot through the roof and my blood pressure went up. I explained to her what was happening and she completely understood. but why? why at the doctor's office?

because this is the place where i once said "why do I need to get the HPV shot? I only will have one partner..." and she replied "You never know..."

I remember how offended I was. How dare she say that!

I hadn't thought that John would die. Especially not but a few months later.

Now I am back at the doctor's office. And I thought by this time back I would be discussing about preparing for a baby. Not even close.

So. doctors office was a trigger today.

unexpected. unpredictable.

but. it happened.

now my arm muscles are sore (one of the post attack problems i get) and my head is aching from my cry fest when i got back to my car.

These triggers are wearing me down.

I have been extra emotional these past two weeks.

wasn't 2011 supposed to get better????

because I tend to worry....

I am sitting in the airport again.
And I am going to Vegas.
I should be more excited, right? Everyone wants to go to Vegas.... it's where all the cool kids go.
And it's not like I am not happy to see my sister. It's the highlight of the trip and all... but ... I still don't feel right. I have been sick for a few days now. My throat hurt, my head feels AWFUL... two migraines in a row.... stomach doesn't feel normal.... and I get lightheaded...
And I am super exhausted. I will be sleeping on the plane. Thats for sure.
I just wish I felt better. Then I would feel better about the trip.
But now I am about to get on a plane with more people. More germs. More sickness.

I feel like I have turned into a hypocondriac. I always feel like I am getting sick. But, it's not that. Because I AM getting sick more often.
I have been reading yet another one of my grief books and it says that people going through grief have a 25% less weakened immune system. Which scares the shit out of me. If John didn't die from a virus I wouldn't be like this. I would trust my body more. But, now I am always scared that I have something. I get nervous to go to sleep... I get nervous about taking naps... because I may never wake up. The nap John never woke up from. I can't imagine living the rest of my life like this. I hate sleeping alone in my house. What if something happens to me??? And there is no one to help me.
But then again there were 5 people in the house when John slipped away silently.
I feel so weak. I feel so frail. I am a fragile human being. I am a complicated organism.... yet I am so delicate. I sometimes think about my heart just beating on it's own. My blood knows where to go. My organs know their role. My brain saves information and gathers data. Although it's not doing it's best in the memory department right now.
John's death opened my eyes to just how fragile life is... and how it can be taken away even when we sleep silently. We don't have to be in vehicle accident, or do something risky... God can take us whenever he likes and however he chooses. You can't escape death.
And that scares me.
And so when I am sick I get nervous and super cautious.
A big part of me wants to run to the emergency room at every symptom I come across. I want reassurance that i am going to be ok. That I have nothing to worry about. That I am healthy and will live a long life. That I will be happy again and find love again. That I won't always feel like this. Like I am living in some sort of twilight zone movie. This is my real life. This is really happening to me...

I looked through pictures the other day... in a photo album that sits by the door. Some from just a couple years ago. They were such genuine pictures. My smile were bright and true. My skin looked good... I looked healthy and happy.
I see pictures of me now and cringe. I look different.
I look tired.
I look fat.
I look like I am faking through most of them.
I look worn.
I look different.

The shine has left my face. The light has left my skin.
I do take occassional pictures where I look better. When I find my times of happiness. Like with the beluga whales, or when I see friends, or travel to st. pete. I have the capability to go back to that light-hearted person again. Don't I? Is that allowed in the widow game? I sure hope it is. I sure hope I can manage to make that happen. It's going to take work... to bring back my spirit after the Hell it's been put through. It's worn down. I have to dig deep and find it. And find myself in the process. What will I find in this journey? What will be in the road... should I fear what I will find? Will I find anything that will come close to filling in that empty hole that sits in my chest?


I am going to go ahead and board the plane now... it's another part of the journey...
to go to a place where I shared memories with the love of my life... and make new memories with my sister. To find a scoop of happiness and live off of that for as long as I can.



ilymtli