Friday, March 4, 2011


Sometimes I surely feel like I am my own worst enemy.
i really tend to make things harder than they are sometimes.
and it's all because of a few flaws i have. these flaws are my weaknesses. they cause me to fall. to fail. to flounder.

1) patience.
i have none. this has to be my number one flaw. i want things and i want it now. surprisingly, i seem like i have shown a lot of it during my life. i waited over 5 years for john to propose to me. i waited 21 years to have sex. i didn't get a car until i was a sophomore in college.
obviously i have shown patience in my life by force or desire.
but as I get older it gets less and less.
i hate waiting for my life to get better.
i want it better now.
i want to feel good 100% now.
i dont want to wait for good things to happen. i need them now. more than ever. i am losing my patience with people daily. other people's problems just tend to bug me now.

2) envy.
i have admitted this struggle before.
no one would EVER envy the life I live now. at one point i thought maybe others would. and did i find that important? that for once instead of me envying everyone else that i might the kind of life that could be envied? being in absolute love. being supported. having my future planned out just the way i wanted it. i can't believe i was envious then. oh, the lessons i have learned.

3) laziness
i think this is just the depression taking over... but i have found myself too tired to do the things that i used to love to do. things like cooking for instance. I used to love to cook. now i get tired just thinking about it. so, lately i have either been eating things like apples and chips... or i grab fast food and caramel lattes. apparently i am surviving on this. i also suck at cleaning, organizing and thinking in general.

4) anxiety
all in all this messes me up the most.
and the problem with this mostly is that i can't really help it.
I have yet to learn to control my anxiety and panic on my own. in fact, my anxiety is growing steadily worse. now that i am dating i find anxiety interfering with my relationship. i worry. i doubt. i panic. this is normal, however. after the great loss i have been through it is easy to be anxious... and worry about a new found relationship. "will he still like me if..." "will he leave me?" "will he leave me?" "do i scare him off?"
i would love to have a worry free life. i can only imagine the things i could accomplish if this would get out of the way. but it's a road block in my life. causing me to miss out on important moments and to make situations inflate much worse.

Oh, i have many many many more flaws. these are just the ones getting in the way right now. the ones that hold me back from my true potential for peace.
and i am working on them.
at my own lazy pace.

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