Friday, November 19, 2010

because I tend to worry....

I am sitting in the airport again.
And I am going to Vegas.
I should be more excited, right? Everyone wants to go to Vegas.... it's where all the cool kids go.
And it's not like I am not happy to see my sister. It's the highlight of the trip and all... but ... I still don't feel right. I have been sick for a few days now. My throat hurt, my head feels AWFUL... two migraines in a row.... stomach doesn't feel normal.... and I get lightheaded...
And I am super exhausted. I will be sleeping on the plane. Thats for sure.
I just wish I felt better. Then I would feel better about the trip.
But now I am about to get on a plane with more people. More germs. More sickness.

I feel like I have turned into a hypocondriac. I always feel like I am getting sick. But, it's not that. Because I AM getting sick more often.
I have been reading yet another one of my grief books and it says that people going through grief have a 25% less weakened immune system. Which scares the shit out of me. If John didn't die from a virus I wouldn't be like this. I would trust my body more. But, now I am always scared that I have something. I get nervous to go to sleep... I get nervous about taking naps... because I may never wake up. The nap John never woke up from. I can't imagine living the rest of my life like this. I hate sleeping alone in my house. What if something happens to me??? And there is no one to help me.
But then again there were 5 people in the house when John slipped away silently.
I feel so weak. I feel so frail. I am a fragile human being. I am a complicated organism.... yet I am so delicate. I sometimes think about my heart just beating on it's own. My blood knows where to go. My organs know their role. My brain saves information and gathers data. Although it's not doing it's best in the memory department right now.
John's death opened my eyes to just how fragile life is... and how it can be taken away even when we sleep silently. We don't have to be in vehicle accident, or do something risky... God can take us whenever he likes and however he chooses. You can't escape death.
And that scares me.
And so when I am sick I get nervous and super cautious.
A big part of me wants to run to the emergency room at every symptom I come across. I want reassurance that i am going to be ok. That I have nothing to worry about. That I am healthy and will live a long life. That I will be happy again and find love again. That I won't always feel like this. Like I am living in some sort of twilight zone movie. This is my real life. This is really happening to me...

I looked through pictures the other day... in a photo album that sits by the door. Some from just a couple years ago. They were such genuine pictures. My smile were bright and true. My skin looked good... I looked healthy and happy.
I see pictures of me now and cringe. I look different.
I look tired.
I look fat.
I look like I am faking through most of them.
I look worn.
I look different.

The shine has left my face. The light has left my skin.
I do take occassional pictures where I look better. When I find my times of happiness. Like with the beluga whales, or when I see friends, or travel to st. pete. I have the capability to go back to that light-hearted person again. Don't I? Is that allowed in the widow game? I sure hope it is. I sure hope I can manage to make that happen. It's going to take work... to bring back my spirit after the Hell it's been put through. It's worn down. I have to dig deep and find it. And find myself in the process. What will I find in this journey? What will be in the road... should I fear what I will find? Will I find anything that will come close to filling in that empty hole that sits in my chest?

I am going to go ahead and board the plane now... it's another part of the journey...
to go to a place where I shared memories with the love of my life... and make new memories with my sister. To find a scoop of happiness and live off of that for as long as I can.


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