Flying.

**I wrote this blog Thursday night on the airplane on my way to Long Island to see my sister and sister-in-law** It basically was my "flying therapy" to keep me distracted while flying alone. I hope it makes sense...

I have a whole row to myself on an airplane.

The cabin is dark and calm.

It’s quiet… well, I assume it is. Coldplay is now singing in my ears so I wouldn’t know what the rest of the cabin sounds like. But I am pretty sure it would be quiet. It’s almost 11pm.

And I now remember why I love night flights.

I am a little nervous though. Not for my usual reasons…not because of flying or anything.

But because Karen (my sister in law) is still in Raleighj waiting at her aiport.

All of our flights were delayed this evening. Mine by about two hours. Hers… well… WHO KNOWS. And now I am on the plane and have no clue what her fate will be until I land in NY two hours from now. Grr!

I am nervous because we have planning this getaway for a long time now.

How could we let BALTIMORE ruin it for us?
We have a very important date with Jimmy Fallon tomorrow.
We cannot afford to miss it.

It’s Karen’s dream. She LOVES Jimmy Fallon too. (it’s just ANOTHER thing that makes us soul mates. Our taste in funny men. Haha).

I am landing in NY at 12:50am.

Yes. Late.

And tomorrow is supposed to be a fun filled day in the city.  For Karen especially.

Sight seeing.

And Jimmy, of course.

…..

oh no.

turbulance.

It’s happening right now.

I hate it.
And Ryan isn’t here to hold my hand. To rub my palm and reassure me… “it’s ok.” “everything is going to be ok.”

I look around the cabin and I notice everyone else seems to be calm and composed. Is this not bothering them? Is it just bothering me?
Why can’t I be calm like them?

The answer is: they don’t know what fear feels like.

They have never looked it in the face.

Like me.

Life changed for me when I lost John. I saw death. I met it. I looked it in the face. I was forever changed. My innocence filled with fear. And anxiety. And I lost that calm. But I don’t want to be forever changed. I want to be that carefree girl again. I want to pretend that bad things don’t happen. Especially to good people. I want to feel that again.

Oh, God.

Please grant me that peace again.

The turbulence has stopped for now.

And I am starting to feel better.

THANK GOD for my klonipin.

I take it before every flight.

Airports have their routine.
And here is mine:

·      Check in—always on time…I am not a late girl. I just don’t do it. Especially with travel. I am usually very anxious to get to wherever I am going. I am ready to go.

… Except tonight….
because I had to say goodbye to Ryan. See. Ryan is my travel buddy. He’s supposed to go with me everywhere. When he went on my first trip with me I vowed he would have to go on all of my trips with me forever.
Did I just break that vow?
I guess so? But Karen is worth it. She is my exception J

SO. I kissed him goodbye. I kissed my fluff ball (Lily) goodbye… and headed towards my gate

·      Checking in was so simple when it’s late. NO ONE is here. Why would I ever fly any other time? Maybe I should keep this in mind. It’s quite nice. I BREEZED by through security. In fact, they were actually NICE. It’s amazing how less stress can make everyone much more pleasant. We had conversations.

·      And then I boarded the wrong tram.

·      And then I turned around and boarded the right tram (this is a typical Autumn move) I can’t tell you how many times I have flown out of Orlando but… I will find some way to screw it up. I blame you, ryan. You should have been here to fix me J hehe xoxo

·      Wait. And wait.
Realize you didn’t bring headphones. Head over to the best buy machine. And then contemplate it. SHOULD I BUY HEADPHONES? There really is no question with me. I do NOT fly without music. I can’t. It’s the only thing I have to calm me down…. So… my options varied. $20 headphones were cheapest. It went all the way up to $300 Bose headphones. Of course I wanted the Bose… mainly because I used to have them.  (but seriously I bought the cheapest pair. Hello. I am a teacher.)

o   Story time: I won a pair of Bose noise cancelling headphones in a contest once. I was sooooo excited!!!! They were PERFECT for me. I traveled all the time… and they were so expensive and I got them for FREE! Yes!

And you know who else was excited? John.

He stole them from me ;) He loved them.

And I let him take them to Europe. They survived the whole trip. And then… they disappeared. I was heart broken. And I have longed to have another pair forever. But can’t bring myself to buy them. Because I am cheap.

I hope another opportunity arises where I can win another pair.

·      Board the plane.

·      Pick a seat. I pick window. EVERYTIME. It’s my favorite spot. I like to watch everything… and I watch INTENTLY on take off and landing. I have slept through landings twice. It was weird. Because I never do that. It’s kind of cool because one moment you are in the air… and the next you are at your destination and you missed any moment of fear and anxiety. But I like landing. It’s fun. I dunno…. It’s like a “hallelujah” moment for me. WE MADE IT. YAY!

·      Take off is always nerve wrecking for me. But tonight went fine.
I secretly wear my headphones. And listen to music. I can’t do take offs without music.

o   Story time: John taught me a trick… and it  was one of the reasons he wore hoodies when we traveled (besides the fact that he always found a reason to sport one). He would put the hood on and pretend he was napping and it would hide his headphones. Thanks, John! I still do that. In your honor, of course.

My usual music for take off is consistent. It never really changes. It’s “Recycled Air” by The Postal Service.  The lyrics are literally about flying… and it seems perfect. I am one of those who likes music to be relevant and what is more fitting than that?

Tonight I changed it.
I played Coldplay.
not airplane related.
But Autumn related.
Coldplay wrote their music for me.
But I picked an interesting song to listen to… I picked Princess of China.

And then I got to watch all the little cars turn into little fireflys wandering around in straight lines. Back and forth. Up and down. Mazes of lights in the darkness. Organized patterns. Of light.

·      Flying. I am flying in the air now. And my drink of choice??? HOT TEA. I get it EVERYTIME I fly. With cream and sugar. I asked if they had lemon… they did not but they have limes. So I said sure. It was a great choice. J It’s a yummy drink

o   My drink of choice has not always been hot tea. When I marched drum corps it used to be GINGER ALE. It was my tradition. Every month I would fly to camps…everywhere… Illinois… Wisconsin… New jersey… and ginger ale it was. And peanuts. Back before airlines were afraid to give out peanuts. Luckily Southwest isn’t scared… and they still give out peanuts. GO SOUTHWEST.

·      Missing Ryan…………. I miss my Ryan……..

* Ok it’s midnight. And we MUST be going over this bad weather in Baltimore because the turbulence is really bothersome. My stomach is hurting a lot… my anxiety causes my IBS to act up and then I am nothing but a worrisome panicky ball of stomach pains. It’s just churning.

I have tried methods to calm down.

I have started doing breathing exercises.

I have tried to listen to soothing music

I have prayed.

And now I am writing.

There’s a woman a few rows in front of me with a baby. How in the world do people travel with babies??? And how in the world will I ever be able to calm a child down when I am a nervous wreck myself?

Ok. The next step for this must be…. To lay down. I have three seats. I can try this.

And here we go……….

the last text.

Yesterday morning I had a weird experience.
It was a bit sad.
it was a bit of an eye opener.

yesterday i sent a text to john's number.
his cell phone.
it's still labeled in my phone "John (ilymtli)"
I can't erase it.
i can't delete his name.
i don't feel right about doing it.

but i guess...
i have to.

because what once was john's number is no longer that.

because i happened to send a text.
it has been a few months since i have.
and it was simple.. to the point.
that i loved him and was thinking about him and he had not been forgotten.

and then while i was in the bathroom and gazing in the mirror while brushing my teeth... preparing for the day...
i hear a sound.
a text sound.
i got a text.
i assumed ryan.
it was not.

it said John.
I have not had a text from John's number since April 21, 2010. the day before he died.
his last texts were "i love you and i will be thinking of you"

this one was different.
and also to the point.


"wrong number"



Oh, this poor soul.
surely they are MISTAKEN.
There is nothing wrong at all about this number.
you have taken MY fiance's number.
this belongs to him.
who the hell are YOU???
Out of all the phone numbers out there why did you have to pick this one????
WHY?!

I am taken a-back.
i wait it out several minutes.
i don't respond at first.
i call Ryan immediately and explain the situation.
he's sympathetic.
he feels sorry for me. it's not exactly what i wanted at the moment. i wanted him to be more like "holy shit that's weird."
but he's super sweet and is concerned for my hurt feelings.
i text annie. surely she will respond.
nothing.

so I begin to text this stranger with John's number.
i explain how it was not a mistake. that i text often and that my fiance had this number and passed away.
they apologize and say they feel bad. they even add a sad face.
ok, so i guess they are sincere.
i go on more.
this is the last thing a normal person going about their day wants to hear about i am sure.
a girl saying "oh p.s. you have my dead fiance's number and i send creepy messages even though he doesn't get them and now you do. have a nice day."
i apologize to bothering them.
but i also ask for their name.
her name is cindi.
the next text says "God Bless You."

and that is that.
i leave it at that.
there is nothing else to say.
this woman doesn't care anymore about my story.
she has basically dismissed me with a god bless you.
and i knew that i was a burden.


and i guess that's the last text i will be sending john.
and cindi.

7 months without you.

I am in Vegas.
Everyone thinks it was a crazy trip to get away and party. I mean, it's a vacation that's for sure. But it's more based around family than it is "what happens in vegas stays in vegas."
When I arrived on Friday night my sister took me to a restaurant called hot and juicy. A place where your dinner comes in a plastic bag and you eat with gloves on. It's brilliant and delicious! That's was it for that night. The next day we woke up and got massages and then got our hair done. That took up a big part of our day. And now I am starting to get the itch... the "I am in Vegas and how come I haven't gambled yet" itch. So, I played some video poker in a restaurant we went to and threw away $10. Ah yes, vegas.
Yesterday was Makenzi's 4th birthday party! It was really cute. It was held at a place where they have tons of different types of bounce houses and then the kids get food and cake. It was a neat place, really. Last night I had my sister time.. we went to a casino (not on the strip) and played Bingo (and didn't win) and saw the new Harry Potter movie. I played a few slots but I didn't go crazy.

So, that's my Vegas trip so far. It's relaxing. It's not wild and crazy. But I am enjoying it. I always enjoying getting away. I have always been fond of traveling. I just have to get used to traveling by myself.
The last time I was in Vegas John was by my side. We went to as many casinos on the strip as possible. We gambled our hearts away. We sat at roulette tables for hours. John drank gin and tonics and I had cherry coke (it's my gambling drink). We saw shows and had the total Vegas experience. It was for his graduation from college... and he deserved it. It took John a long time to get through college... and I was there for him every step of the way... helping any way I could. I even wrote some of his college essays for classes because
1) he would stall on them
2) I liked writing

But when John did sit down and write out a paper... it was pretty good! I was super impressed about how smart he was. He never gave himself enough credit on his intelligence. He always thought I was the smarter one out of the two. But I don't think that's true at all. I think we were pretty matched... but just in different areas. He was an absolutely brilliant man. The best, really.

So Vegas. Without John.
Is what I thought it might be.
Difficult.
I hide it well.
Or sometimes not. Like when I cried in the parking lot and in the car after Makenzi's birthday.
I hate when John misses events. I can't believe he's not there to celebrate. I feel like when John died half of my memories when with him. Because he shared them all with me... and his recollection of things we did together was different than mine. So, half of my memory left. If I tell a story about something I know I missing parts of it. John would have filled those in. And I would have been like "oh my goodness I totally forgot about that!" That's what is so great about having a partner in your life. You get to SHARE life. You get to live an experience beyond just what you feel but also what another feels. That's why I refuse to go to movies alone. I have never done it and probably never will. Because it's an experience I prefer to share. I want to discuss the movie with someone, I want to laugh together or cry together. I want to get excited with someone when I see a preview for an upcoming movie.
Maybe that's why I am not too dissapointed about not going to the strip yet. Because it was something I had shared with John. I am creating new experiences with my sister that won't make me compare it to the experience I had with him. But I also want to do the things that we never got to do together... because in a way... in a small way... I still feel like John may be experiencing them with me. Just on a different level. I just wish I could hold his hand while it happens. I want so badly to just sit down and hold him and tell him every story of every moment he has missed these past seven months.

blog music

if you know me... and if you knew john....
you would know that music was a HUGE part of our lives. It was what brought us together after all. It was a strong connection in our relationship and still is. Even when i hear new music I will somehow connect to John... even though he never got a chance to hear it. Which also saddens me. I wish John could hear some of the music I have discovered since he died.
I wish he could go with me to see Muse or the National next month.
I wish he could watch me belt out Regina Spektor in the car. (he loved to watch me sing)
I wish he could hear the lyrics, the melodies and harmonies which i have been discovering. And I wish he could poke fun at the awful music out on the radio right now.

My blog has music.
If you haven't heard it... turn on your speakers.
It's a specific set list.
And I want to explain why each song has meaning to me.
The list changes constantly. I am adding songs weekly... and taking some off that I feel are no longer relevant. But most stay. Because I consider them the soundtrack of my life.

"Us" by Regina Spektor-- I found Regina after John died. It was through Pandora... and I fell in love with her. She really spoke to me during a hard time. I fell in love with "Us" because of the beautiful piano line and her amazing, clear voice. The lyrics are poetic. I am also in love with her songs called "Machine" and "Eet"

"Hallelujah" and "Oh What a World" by Rufus Wainwright--- were introduced to me by my best friend, Evan, right after John's passing. I just remember us driving to Tallahassee and playing "Oh What a World" as loud as possible and belting every word. I learned every lyric after listening to it once. It's magical.

"Hoppipolla" by Sigur Ros--- just because a song is in a different language doesn't mean it can't speak to you. Because the moment I heard this one on the Sigur Ros CD the day it came out I couldn't stop listening to it. Then they put it on the movie preview for Earth and it blew my mind away again.

"In the Aeroplane Over the Sea" by Neutral Milk Hotel-- John introduced me to this band when we first started dating. He used to sing this song to me and as I have posted before... drew a picture of us... on an aeroplane over the sea while shouting out he loved me. This was early in the relationship but even from the very beginning he was deeply, madly in love with me. And I was smitten. This was our love song.

"I Will Follow You Into the Dark" by death cab for a cutie-- this song has very depressing lyrics. But after John died... I really felt them. My biggest fear was being separated from John. And I knew that one day if we had to die.... I wanted to die old together. But, that wasn't the plan. I assume. So, as much as I would follow him into the dark... I know He (God) and he (John) both have bigger plans for me. This is my hope in my heart.

"First Breath After a Coma" by Explosions in the Sky--- ironically the brother of my late band director got me interested in this band. This is a gorgeous song. No lyrics. But it expresses the title PERFECTLY.

"Blue Lips" by Regina Spektor--- more of her because I love her

"So Far Around the Bend" by the National--- John's sister, Annie, got me hooked on this band and now we are going to see them next week. This is by far my favorite song by them. It's touching.

"Transatlanticism" by death cab for a cutie-- probably one of my favorite songs of all time. Death cab has some of the most poetic lyrics I have ever heard. The one line "i thought it less like a lake and more like a moat" touches me. I get it. If I could row over to John just across a lake I would, But I am in the moat... and he is in the castle... and I cannot reach him.... although I know he is there. I will row in circles for the rest of my life waiting to see his face again. At the end where it just repeats "i need you so much closer" makes me bawl every time. I need John back.... I really do...

"Set the fire to the third bar" by snow patrol-- ok, everyone knows their hit from the radio but I like the not very well known snow patrol.. I actually heard this song on the movie preview for Dear John (a few months before John's death) and I liked it so much I downloaded it when I got home. the line that hits me the most: "i wish someone woul pick up me up from the cold ground and set me in your warm arms." there are times where i am laying in bed at night... or crying in the tub while taking a shower... or just sitting on the floor in my apartment crying... and I wish I could be picked up and placed back into John's comforting arms. there was nothing more comforting than being held by John. nothing.

"true affection" by the blow-- have to admit I just like the song

"holy, holy, holy" by sufjan stevens --- beautiful version of the song by one of my favorite male singers of all time.

"a million parachutes" by sixpence none the richer-- I have been listening to this band since I was in middle school. I used to put their songs on repeat when I went to sleep at night. for some reason this song became one of my all time favorites. i love how she describes the snow and the things she misses. i feel the same way when i describe my longing for John,

"ave maria" by the cranberries and pavaroti--- perfect.

"i love how you love me" by jeff mangum-- the lead singer from neutral milk hotel sings our song. this is THE song that John proposed to me to. this is the song he played for me whenever we went to weddings... it was our song and it was perfect. just like John.

"such great heights" by postal service-- i admit I always felt like john and I were waving from such great heights. i felt like our relationship soared above everyone else and others wanted us to come down. and now here I am. knocked back down to earth... without my soulmate.

"reciting the airships" by eluvium--- found this band while listening to Pandora in NC. Fell in love with them. one of my favs.

"fix you" by coldplay--- because I wish someone could really fix me.

"may angels lead you in" by jimmy eat world -- "a heart so big... God wouldn't let it live..." lyrics that strike me to the core.

"the blower's daughter" by Damien Rice-- love Damien. love his voice and his music. and i love this song the most. "can't get my mind off of you...." obvious one.

"never going back again" by fleetwood mac--- I grew up on Fleetwood thanks to my dad. John wasn't so familiar with them. so, when I played their best hits for him he really LOVED this song (and Tusk) and would constantly play it over and over on itunes.

"the funeral" by band of horses -- a random girl in the bar at Harry Potter World suggested this band to me and I found this song.

"wake up" by the arcade fire--- when going to Europe this was the ONLY album John had on his iphone and we would listen to it EVERY DAY for 3 weeks. yet, i never grew tired of it. There was always time for arcade fire.

"LOVE" by Frank--- the song we danced to a couple days before John's death. one of the most memorable moments in our love life. fiance and fiance. in love. dancing in the bedroom.

"Creep" by Radiohead--- I love this remake of the song... esp. when they curse. i dunno why. it just helps me let out some aggression i guess.

"the winner is" by devotchka--- one of my fav bands. i will never forget john telling me that marc zivica's cousin was the lead singer. i about lost it!!!

"across the universe" by fiona apple-- best version of the song IMPO... better than the original by the beatles even

"aqueous Transmission" by Incubus-- this was the friend song in college. the girls (me, brandy, rachel and evan) would get together and sing this all the time. but, i still feel like the lyrics are relevant to my life even today.

"float on" by modest mouse--- john loved modest mouse. old modest mouse. and this song is popular for a reason. because it's great. and anytime i hear a modest mouse song I think of him. in our earlier dating days....

"videotape" by radiohead--- after TCI did the show called Videotape... I was mildly obsessed with this song and so was John. this show helped re-amp our Radiohead love. we reconnected with the band and found a new love for their music past and present.






anyway, without music... i don't think i could be truly able to feel like i have expressed myself. music is my outlet. and it allows me to feel. to feel everything from pain to pleasure. music touches every aspect of my life. and to share that with someone is very special. peaking into someone's music choices is really peaking into their soul. you can tell a lot about a person by the music they listen to. because at some point they decided that particular music spoke to them. and therefore, music speaks for us when we cannot.