2014 and the stories it will tell

A friend once wrote to me:

"I long for the day when you no longer write in your blog because that will mean you are fully healed.."

Touche.

Alas, I do not blog as much as I used to... but sometimes I feel the need to.
And tonight is one of those nights.
It's not a reflection of my healing process. It is just something that I want to do.


It is now 2014. And that is unbelievable.
In 86 days I will be marrying Ryan and I am super thrilled about it.
I am also super cautious.
I feel that if I over celebrate the occasion that something bad will happen... but I really do feel like this is going to finally be happening for me. I get to marry a great guy and start my life as a wife. I am so thankful God has given me this opportunity to love again. And I have to say I am proud of myself for not giving up.
I gave life and love a second chance and it was worth the risk.

As we enter into new years everyone feels the urge to set resolutions. With Facebook being such a staple in everyone's lives we also feel the urge to share these with others. Whether to have some accountability or to just excessively brag about the BIG EXCITING things that make us so awesomely awesome. (there's sarcasm, behold!)

I think deciding to wait until January 1st to start making changes is a little bullshit... but if you need to set a goal for that date it's better then never at all.. so whatever. I actually started mine earlier. I started them as soon as they came up in my head (because why wait?) and then Ryan asked me to share some for the new year and I was like... "crap. um. uh..."
Get married? Isn't that a big resolution? Change my last name and start working on a family, yes? But there's so much more... and I will now share with you my RAW version of my resolutions for 2014. (p.s. these are very hard. and i don't know if most of them will be successful... but I won't facebook sugar coat things for you like everyone else)

Ok... lets start with this whole marriage thing :)
I want to be a good bride. i don't want to yell at my bridesmaids or make ridiculous requests... i want to avoid bridezilla completely. i want to be pleasant and sweet. i want to relax on my wedding day and let people in charge take control.
I want to be a good wife.
i want to accept that I am going to be able to marry Ryan and we have a chance to create our own happily ever after and that the people around us are supportive.
And if for some reason there are people who aren't supportive they have to go.
because they aren't worth my time.
speaking of that... i want to resolve to stop waiting for others to re-build bridges with me. if others chose to stop staying connected to me for some reason (especially those who stopped talking to me after John died) then I have to move on and not wait for them.
I am in no way burning the bridge. I just will move on from it completely.
Your move, by the way... those of you who have slipped away silently in the shadows.

I want to focus on those who care about me.
I want to give attention to those who have supported me and who still support me day to day. The real friends who never gave up on me... even though I am a crazy roller coaster of emotions girl.
The friends who are honest with me. The friends who realize that I am more than what my bitchy features might have you feel I am. ha.
I want to be a better friend. I want to call people more often, i want to physically write letters and i want to make an effort to visit friends more often.

I want to stop envying what other people have. (and realize most of it is just others trying to show off on facebook).
I want to dig deep inside of myself whenever i start feeling bad for things i do not have and remind myself of what i do have.
remind myself how shitty i felt in 2010 and how i begged for the life i have now.
and how i got it.
and how even without trips to bowl games, or the ability to get promotions, or fantastical "2 year plans" , or being pregnant, or extravagant weddings, or crazy expensive yearly trips around the world, or having my wedding completely paid for, or raises, or new houses, etc. etc. ... that I am ALIVE and breathing and in love!!! I am somewhere I did not think I would ever be at again.
And even though I am now officially in debt from this wedding... I get to have a wedding. And I don't mind paying off credit cards for an event with all my favorite people that ISN'T a funeral.

I want to not let facebook determine my happiness or success in life.
i want to use it to keep in touch with friends and family and loved ones and not seek out things that are going to make me sad or mad.
and if people aren't good for me then they need to go.
(already started this process)

i want to love myself by taking care of myself.
that means eating right and being active.
not thinking of being on a "diet."

I want to continue to build back my relationship with God... cause lets be honest. Things got rocky when I lost John.
And even though at this point being a Christian isn't so popular I want to stand up for my faith, attend a church and pray.
I want to pray even when I am not asking for something. I want to pray just to say thank you. And I want to pray for others.

I want to enjoy life while I am young. And realize I STILL AM YOUNG. (despite what the number of candles tell me).
I want to tell people to shut up when they say I have plenty of time to travel when i am older (because we all have learned a lesson from this blog... and that is "you never know...") and if I want to hop on a plane and go somewhere I will.
Because why not?


And I want to smile more.
The world could use more smiles.
The world could use more pleasant people and positivity.
I need to be that light.
And I don't need a date on a calendar to tell me when to start.

My real feelings about Halloween

I haven't always been so open with my feelings about Halloween... mainly because everyone is so damn obsessed with it.
I mean it's a BIG freaking deal for some of my friends.
So I just kind of go with the flow.
I decorate the house is various fall colors... wreaths with bright oranges, yellows and browns. Dark reds and scents of cinnamon.
I have some sparkly bats hanging in the living room.

But that's about it.

No grave stones.
No blood.
No skeletons.

Halloween has gotten weird for me since 2010.
When working at Universal since 2007 I have gone to the Halloween Horror Night premieres every year. It's not as crowded, there are $2.00 beers, and you get to see the raw version of Bill and Ted.
But when I went in 2011 with Ryan and some friends it was just really hard.
I had a hard time going through some of the houses and had a panic attack just getting close to one of them.
I can handle vampires and werewolves and fantasy creatures.
But when it comes to dead people... I just can't handle it.

I definitely still suffer some PTSD when it comes to this. I even avoid certain movies because they can literally trigger a panic attack.
Finding John in April 2010 has left this permanent mark inside my brain and heart.
When I see pale, lifeless figures... even though I know they have make up on... I see John.
I do not like scenes with coffins or tombstones.
I don't know why tombstones bother me so much because John never even had one. I guess it just reminds me of death in general and how real it is.
And while many can laugh and have a grand ole' time during this holiday and wear costumes depicting death... I cannot.
I know I sound prudent.
And I know that it's just a "holiday." But for me there's something too real about death and mortality.
I just don't mind moving on from here... on to the happier holidays.

And please don't get me wrong.
I enjoy the yearly Halloween movies like anyone else. Hocus Pocus, Beetlejuice, etc.
I can even ride Haunted Mansion sometimes at Disney.
In fact, I would MUCH rather go to Disney's Not So Scary party than to HHN now.
If I ever go to HHN the only thing I really do is the Bill and Ted show and houses that don't involve dead bodies. ( which is basically none of them)
But that's about it.

I just thought I would let it out.

That I am broken.

And I guess that it will be this way for awhile.



And I really like Christmas much better.

Update

It's been a long time since I have written an entry.

I have debated writing one for awhile.

I just haven't known what to say. What can I write about that would be beneficial to this blog?

So, a check up would be a fine entry.



Honestly right now I am not having the best time in my life... physically.
Grief takes it's toll on you in the long run.
I am warning you right now. IF YOU ARE GOING THROUGH GRIEF PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
There is a reason people die from heart break after losing a loved one.
There is a reason that people look different, age faster, etc. after they lose the love of their life.

You can see it on me.
I can see it on me.

I have always had a younger look to me.
But for the past 2 and a half years I have aged a great deal. My hair is graying rapidly.
I have stomach issues and now it seems like I am suffering from sinus issues.
Does all of it relate to my grief? WHO KNOWS.

Since November I have been having constant health issues and sickness. For the past month I have been having pretty intense dizzy fits and it sometimes keeps me from doing normal things in life like cooking, cleaning, driving and even teaching.

I don't want to feel like this anymore.

I just want to feel better.

I am so ready to move forward in my life.
My body is ready too.
I am ready to get better.

I'm happy that you're happy

It has come to my attention lately that people are still confused on how they should act around me with certain situations.
I guess I am partly to blame. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve (seriously, I have a freakin' public blog, people).
I don't always make it easy.
And I can't say that I don't get emotional when I have 3-4 wedding invitations hanging on my fridge at all times.
Or when I see ANOTHER ultrasound posted on facebook.
Or watching friend's statuses change from "In a Relationship" to "Engaged."
BUT.

BUT!!!!

I AM HAPPY YOU ARE HAPPY!!!!!

I, Autumn, do still have the ability to be excited when my friends have life changing moments. And I will ALWAYS be supportive of these moments... whether you are scared to tell me or not.

You are buying a house?
Great! When am I helping you move? What tips can you offer a girl currently seeking to buy her first home as well? Where is the guest room I am staying in? What's for dinner?

You are engaged?
Congrats! So.... when's the date? What's your colors? How did they propose? Am I invited? (of course i am...) Oh, you want me to be a BRIDESMAID? Oh you were nervous to ask that? (stop it. don't be. I can plan one awesome party for you!) You need someone to help you go pick out dresses? done!!!

You are pregnant?
OMG! I love little babies!!!!Did you know there was a moment in my life where I considered being a midwife? Oh, and I want to be doula trained. Oh, you didn't know? You were too afraid to tell me because you thought I would be upset?


I am sorry if I have ever made anyone feel uncomfortable to tell me the happy times in your life. Instead, I do often feel people are more comfortable to share the sad times in their life. No one can live with all of that.
I need the happy moments.
I want to be happy for you.
So, please let me.

Now.
There's a line that can be crossed.
Do I really to discuss these?
I don't, right?
There's a time to celebrate.
And then there's a time to give it a rest.

DO NOT FLAUNT.
There is a line (and it's not fine) between celebrating and flaunting.
Be smart.
Think it through.
I am not the ONLY person that gets bothered by this. Everyone wants happiness. Everyone is going after their own happiness. So, allow those people to share that and don't dominate every discussion with you you you you.



Friends, I want you to be happy.
What kind of person wouldn't want that?
Hopefully not someone that I am friends with.
Because then I need to get rid of them.
And if people are still my friend by now then they may just realize that I am actually a pretty supportive person... even with all of the shit that has been handed to me. I do the best I can to make sure everyone is achieving their upmost happiness.
And when I have happy moments I want you to celebrate with me too.

I am happy... that you're happy, friend.


xoxo

it's not always rainbows and sunshine

I have to admit it.
Sometimes I act not sad to make others happy.
And I hate admitting this too because I have upset quite a few people with my feelings.
I am a people pleaser.
And it's killing me.
The other day I was walking ... I think just walking into a store...
and I realized something.

hey. I'm not super happy right now.
That seems ridiculous doesn't it???
I should try and be happy.
I have come a long way.
How can I possibly still be sad?

And the truth is.... it isn't always because of John.
I know a lot stems from that.
It's like six degrees of Kevin Bacon except I can usually trace back all my problems to when John died.
Every problem that arises usually stems somewhere from losing him.

I know that i wouldn't be having the problems I am currently having with my work and with my friends if John were still here.

I have to stop my mind from thinking about where I would have been if I had never lost John. Definitely would have been pregnant by now.
Or already raising my own child.
Beautiful wedding.
Loving and adoring husband.
A job where I was SUPPORTED by my administration, admired by students, and respected by my peers.

But I am here.
And I shouldn't complain.
I have THE most adoring and loving boyfriend a girl like me could ask for.
As I have said before I do not deserve Ryan.

What I DO deserve is SUPPORT.
I deserve people who support my decisions as a teacher.
I deserve recognition for hard work.
I deserve to show off how talented and smart I am. I deserved to have financial stability.

I deserve my moments of sadness... but without fear of expressing those times.
I deserve times of joy... which God has been so gracious and good to give me even out of my grief.


I am just ready for something to go my way.
A LOT.
I am ready for something exciting and life changing.
I am ready for my rainbow.



"Sometimes a shadow, dark and cold, lay like a mist across the road. But be encouraged by the sight. Where there's a shadow there's a light!"




(i don't feel like this entry really captured the way I am feeling. but i tried)

Something old, something new.

I'm sitting at our kitchen table.
Well, John's kitchen table. Well, me and John's kitchen table.
I am holding a pair of cards and playing poker.
I fold. My hand sucked. But I am laughing.... because I am honestly having a great time.
And all around me are familiar faces.
And bottles of beer.
And lots of smiles and laughs.

something old. something new.

The table is old.
It started out as John's college roommate's table.
It was used mainly for beer pong.
Eventually John bought it for about $30 and it's been with us ever since.
It's sturdy.
We call it the "Knights of the Square table." Because it's heavy and durable and OLD.
But it has character.
And I can't manage to let it go just yet.

The faces are old and new.
The faces of John's friends mixed with the faces of Ryan's
Mixed with the faces of mine.

We are doing the "impossible" in widow world.
We have combined our worlds.
We are having a poker night with people we love from various stages of our lives. Percussionists that worked with or under John.
Musicians that marched corps with Ryan.
Co-workers from my job. Consequently the co-worker is also the guy that took over my position at Walker when I left after John's death.
And here we all are.
In our house.
In ME AND RYAN'S house.
Playing cards on ME AND JOHN'S TABLE.
These are OUR friends now.
United by John in the end.
We can laugh and tell jokes and have a good time and I think secretly everyone imagines what it would be like if John were there.
His absence is noted.
Not outloud ... but privately and silently in our minds and thoughts.
we all wish he was still here.

And there's something about going over for Easter to the Seays house ....
the house doesn't look different downstairs. all the pictures are still hanging. me and John. John's baby photos. Everyone's prom pictures.
and it's comforting to me.
i also get knots in my stomach just before opening their door because i am afraid one day it will all be torn down and they won't care anymore.
but it's not.
even in his dad's office there are pictures of me everywhere.
i am still loved....

something old.


and bringing Ryan over is always such an experience.
we get to do all the things that i would have been doing with John.

except it's ryan.

something new...

The boys love Ryan.
they hug his legs and say they love him.
it warms my heart.
and brings a peace to me because it's an acceptance. that even the small minds of John's nephews have accepted Ryan has something permanent. and they like him.
and i like that.


Mixing my old life with John and my new one with Ryan sometimes shocks me with how well it blends. It almost flows so well that I feel like something is WRONG with me. Like there should be a problem. I even ask Ryan sometimes "are you ever angry/hurt/mad/jealous with my feelings for John." And he isn't.
Of course.
And then I am like... well, is this really how it's supposed to be?
Can my two lives really mesh together this well and everyone be ok?

I mean, there have been a few along the way that haven't transitioned so well. And I may have lost some.
But maybe those were some worth losing at the time.
maybe I will gain them back.


But for now I think the people I have in my life... old and new... are amazing.
And I am very blessed to have them in my journey.
The old to remind me of my wonderful past and share my memories ...
and the new to create amazing new memories with.


My new.
My "us"

Go away, April.

Are we seriously back in April???

Well that's completely shitty.

And it's the third day of April?

fuck.


I need to find John's cake recipe... in a cook book I threw together in college. It was a great experimentation time for cooking. And I hit a gold mine when I found John's cake recipe.

Ok, I will share.
But it's a secret recipe.
So, let's keep it between us?

http://www.hersheys.com/recipes/recipe-details.aspx?id=183&name=...day-Cake


In two days it will be John's birthday.
His earth birthday.
The day Sarah Seay brought John Seay to Earth.
Can I ever repay that woman? Or thank her enough? Or clean her gift wrapping closet enough?
To somewhat truly thank her for the best gift of all?
A gift in the beginning which wasn't meant for me... initially. But I got to have in the end.


March was good to me.
Mainly because the end of it was spent away from my J-O-B.
I hate that I have started to think of teaching as a J-O-B.
Isn't being a band director supposed to be fun? I think that's what others see when they hear that's what I do. Banging pots and pans all day and holding hands singing songs.
Playing TV theme songs and movie soundtracks.
Playing instruments for fun.

If only people knew what hard work it really was.

But I teach an elective.
How hard can it be?

So it was a relief to go to Spring Break.
It was a relief to leave behind FL for a little bit and go somewhere else.
We went to Las Vegas to see my sister and let Ryan experience a new place.
We conquered the strip, gambled and won, marveled at the Hoover Dam and the Grand Canyon.
We did it all.
And then we came home.
And then it was back to the grind.

And back to my car....

WHICH SOMEONE BROKE INTO.

Seriously?!
And here's the weird part.
They stole CDs.... (What? WHO does that???) and my phone charger.
Ok, that's replaceable.
My then there was my yellow nano ipod.
Not just any yellow nano ipod.
But one that John gave me for Christmas. He had it engraved and it said "I love you with all my heart."
When I noticed it missing my heart sunk. And I try and remind myself "it's just a thing, Autumn...."  But it's not..... I lost something special....
Well, it was TAKEN from me. (which pisses me off beyond belief and makes me feel completely violated.)

I lost something from John again.


I had just lost my sunglasses from our 3 year anniversary a few months ago and now this ipod.
When I lose something from John I feel like I am losing part of HIM again and again. Like eventually I will have nothing to remember him by.
And my memories suck.
still.

Sometimes I will look at my students blankly trying to remember who they are. Because I have forgotten. I have forgotten their name. And it's April.
I am still waiting for my memory to recover. At least up to April 21, 2010. Erasing April 22 would be just fine and the many months to follow... at least until Feb 13, 2011 when I met Ryan.


So March ends and April begins.
A shitty month of nothing but reminders.
John's birthday.
John's deathday.

But as it turns into year two the world forgets about your grief and sorrow. The world has moved on. Frankly, it moved on the next day.
The world.
Not everyone.
Some people moved on quickly.
And some think I may have... because I am dating.
But that's not the case.
There is always such a fine balancing act between my love and affection for Ryan and my constant devotion and love for John.
It's hard to start a relationship when you are grieving. But it has to start eventually.
And you have to learn to grieve a little less often.
But in April I am allowed to grieve.
But my new school might not understand. Because they weren't there.
They may know about it.... but in their mind two years ago was a long time. In my mind I am like "how dare you schedule my formal evaluation conference on John's birthday. Don't you know I need a break that day?"
Of course not.
Because
1) They are heartless. They really couldn't care less
2) They haven't cared about me any other time so why would this day be any different???

Oh, do I sound bitter?
Maybe it's because more and more each day I find out that I work around a really sour bunch of people.
I put on my happy face EVERY DAY for these people and I will seriously get the cold shoulder if I ask any type of favor. I say hello and good morning and make an effort to greet everyone in a kind manner. And yet there are only about 4 people in the whole school who can tell me apart from the chorus teacher.



And I am so focused on all of this....
And I am trying to remember my fiance....
And I am trying to build my future.....

That I think I may just combust.



I HATE APRIL.
SO FUCKING MUCH.

DOWN and UP

So last night I took a fun trip to the ER.
I was throwing up a lot and having severe stomach aches.
I got there at 11pm and left the next morning at 8am.
I got a abdominal CT and bloodwork, etc. and everything came out fine. So, that's good.
But it also doesn't give me a clear answer as to what is going on with my stomach.
My gastritis is NOT getting better.
At one point I thought it might have gone away but obviously that isn't the case. If anything it feels like it is intensifying.
So, back to the GI doctor I go sometime next week. (geesh)
I am just SERIOUSLY ready to feel better. I am tired of being tired. And sick. Im sick of being sick and tired.
I want to feel normal.
I want to throw all my prescriptions out the window and stop giving the doctors all my money.


But thank GOD there is nothing seriously wrong. Just wanting to figure out how to start feeling better. It may require me to totally re-do my diet. I might get rid of everything and start to gradually add things... but where do I start? Do I just start with fruits and veggies? Totally my focus was on liquids (since I was throwing up all day yesterday). (I also had a small salad...) and my stomach is still churning. So. No salad? No smoothie? No decaf tea? What am I doing wrong???

Bah.


Well. That's the DOWN part of the blog.

Now onward to the UP side....

RYAN GOT A JOB!!!
And when I say job I mean one with a salary and benefits.
I mean... a completely big boy job.
So, we found out a couple hours after we got home from the hospital. It was really uplifting to know after being sick for hours. A light at the end of the tunnel.
So, now we can both be working professionals and hopefully get a jump start at the next part of our life together.



Yah!

A new kind of anniversary....

A lot of my blog posts have to deal with dates.
As a widow, dates start to mean a lot.
You count down days from the moment you lose the one you love.
It's not about counting down TOWARDS dates anymore.
It's about counting away from the times you spent with the person you loved.
You base events on how far away they were from that moment.
The first week without them. The first month. The first Christmas. The first 100 days. The first year. The first birthday. etc. etc.

When I met Ryan I got to do something I hadn't done in a long time.... I got to LOOK FORWARD to dates in my life again.
Now, it was scary at first.
I didn't want to get too excited because I had this weird feeling inside that if I was too happy or too looking forward to something... it would be taken away from me.

This is reasonable.

I mean, I had a whole wedding panning out in front of my eyes....

and that was snatched away.

In one second.

So, I gave myself little moments to look forward to. Until eventually I felt comfortable enough to look forward to bigger things.
And sometimes I just sit back and let the bigger events come my way.
And pretend I do not notice.

And here I am.
At a milestone.

A year ago this evening I was a nervous girl... woman... whatever...
going on a date with this really cute guy. I liked him a lot already. It was school girl type feelings all over again.
And a date?!
Something I hadn't done in over 6 years!!!
So, I was nervous to say the least.
But, I took a leap.
Because apparently my heart never learns it's lesson.
But thank GOD I let my heart take over again because a year later I am so happy and pleased to say I am still with that wonderful man.
Who I think is still studly as ever.
And so freaking tolerant and brave to put up with a crazy person (that's me).
I mean he's dealt with a whole year of it.
He was there for the John anniversaries.
The one year, the birthdays, the holidays....
and he is still with me!!!!
Can you believe this???

Did I do something right, perhaps????

Did God surely answer that prayer???

I can say without a doubt that God indeed heard.
And I think John did too.


Hey widow friends:
Don't be afraid to fall in love again.
It's kind of awesome.
To be loved unconditionally.
Twice.
Being loved from Heaven and being loved from Earth.



Happy 1 year, Ryan.

i'm waiting.

a funny thing happens when a new year comes around..
you get super confident that  this is "your time" and "your chance" and that things are going to actually start turning around... for the good.

But honestly it's been frustrating so far.
In terms of trying to reach goals.
Some due to our own fault.
Some due to the fact that life didn't realize it was a new year.

A couple weeks ago Ryan had an interview for a job he really wanted and he also took his LSAT.
On the same day he got a call saying he didn't get the job and also found out the score of his LSAT... which may be too low to get him into a school.
It really put us down.
In fact I started crying.
I felt bad.
I should have been more positive and uplifting. There will be other chances. But, time is running out... for tuition being covered that is. And after having my recent 28th birthday I have started to freak out a little. That as I near 30 years old .. I am nowhere close to where I should be.
Well, where I think I should be.

Of course you may be saying "you're crazy! look how far you have come!"

You're right, my friend.

I should be a little easier on myself.

I should be thankful.
I have come a long way.
But I still have so far to go.
I haven't quite captured it... that life I would so dearly love to hang up in a picture frame.

I haven't obtained the body I have wanted since I was a little girl...
I haven't had my fairy tale wedding...
I haven't made a salary that I feel comfortable with... that I am not living pay check to pay check on...
I haven't found that house with the wrap around porch...
I haven't looked into the eyes of my own child...
I haven't gotten the acknowledgement I need for the work I do... which may be because I haven't accomplished the goals I have set for myself as a teacher.


So, let's just go ahead and just stick to my slogan....
ONE DAY AT A TIME.

Compassion fatigue

The other day i was having a discussion with Annie (John's sister) and I brought up the idea that "i care way too much." with everything i do... especially with teaching. I get completely wrapped up in my job to where it makes me literally sick to my stomach. i mean literally. my acid production gets out of control but i have high amounts of stress and then my stomach lining inflames for awhile. (as much as 3 months as i have discovered before. horrible!!). I go home and can't sleep. My eating habits go from not being able to eat at all to eating everything that I can reach. I tend to take EVERYTHING to heart.
My kid's problems.
My kid's performances.
My school's expectations.
My school's lack of expectations.
My student's futures.
My future.

I can't keep my mind from thinking at night.
I just sit in bed and think and think forever. I think about what I can do the next day to make the kids better. How I can motivate them. How I can better myself as a teacher. I read articles. I talk to other teachers. I post in forums. I spend lots of my own money buying shit for my kids...
and then in the end I feel the only thing I get in return is exhaustion.
It's REALLY hard to focus on the benefits when you can barely keep yourself from drowning in everything else.

So, when Annie told me about Compassion fatigue it was like my eyes were opened up to a whole new world view. Holy crap that's what I have....
I didn't do research on it until tonight even though we spoke about it a week ago.
It was when I came home from work and I felt the pressure building from school.
My kids are having their winter concert in 2 weeks. I don't feel completely prepared. I am giving the kids 110% and only getting about 20% from them. I work my ass off day in and day out and then I have kids who don't turn in practice records, who roll their eyes at me when i ask them to do simple tasks, who steal items in my class, students who constantly expect hand outs, students who complain about their hard lives when they have no idea about anything I have been through.
I am sorry, young person, that the stress of school is too much for you.
Try finding the love of your life dead in bed.
Now feel better.

that sounds not so compassionate, right?
Exactly.
I feel like teaching is making me more and more immune to the compassion I once held.
It's one of those things I still debate in my head... when I cry at movies that have animals dying and yet sniffle a little bit when people die in films.
What the hell is wrong with me???
That isn't right, is it??

Compassion fatigue is common with nurses, doctors, and people who deal with wounded military vets or children with disorders or deformities.
When you become overexposed to these things you start to lose your passion.
A passion you once had. immensely. You poured your whole being into this passion. But in the end you started to get tired of it... because it wasn't having the pay off you thought you deserved. I know being compassionate isn't always about getting something back. But if you go a long time giving your whole self and don't get any sense of reward... you can't help but start to feel a little apathetic.
compassion fatigue, folks.
Look it up.
It fucking exists.
It sounds a bit made up.
for people burnt out. for people who are too lazy to endure life's hard times. for people who can't deal.
Kind of like ADD or ADHD.
Being a teacher my lack for respect for these "medical" terms has gone completely out the window.
Your child can't sit still in a classroom?
Yeah, they're 10? and they can't sit still??
Oh, they are taking intensive reading and are deprived of physical activity? they go home and play video games and you feed them chocolate for breakfast? AND THEY FUCKING CAN'T SIT STILL? NO SHIT?!



anyway,
now that i have been looking up compassion fatigue it makes me wonder if that's what happened to some of my friends.
That my burden was eventually too much.
and they got burnt out on caring, trying to cheer me up, etc.
and now i feel bad. because i was THAT burden.

But many have never given up on me.
They carry the burden.
and it's something that i can never quite repay them for.
but one day...if anyone ever needs me too...
i'll be there.

and maybe these kids need me after all.
or maybe one day i need to take a new path.
towards a new direction.
a new passion.
or maybe it's time to re-kindle the one i already have.

hitting milestones

today is thanksgiving.
my second thanksgiving without John.
my first thanksgiving with Ryan.

it got easier. a hell a lot easier than the previous year. in fact, i tried really hard to remember last year's thanksgiving and I really can't recall anything. I know it was tough. I was at the Seays. We ate food... Jim didn't say the prayer.. and everyone was there.
I am thankful the Seays let me and Ryan be part of their holiday.
It's a big deal.
To still be part of that family. i don't know if i will be able to ever thank God enough for the strong bond i have with them.
it wasn't until i got home this evening that i started to get sad. and mostly because i took out a john memory box trying to find something and found myself going through everything... the letters, the cards, the momentos... and then I had a good cry.

before thanksgiving dinner at the seays today i decided a few days ago i would have my own special "mini" thanksgiving with Ryan. i had never made my own thanksgiving dinner... and i was determined to do it. so, we hopped in the car, headed to publix, and picked up a quaint 10 lb. turkey.

we named him "Hank" after the The New Girl thanksgiving episode. I am very proud of myself because everything came out so well. i enjoyed our intimate dinner. it was our first true thanksgiving. in our home. just the two of. today was about family.
it was joining my past with present. and my future.


On Nov. 14 was also a special day.
it was our 9 month dating anniversary.
In 3 months it will be one year. it's really hard to imagine... but, i have to honestly say...

I am happy with Ryan.
And these 9 months with him have been an absolute blessing.
We spent our anniversary weekend at my friend's wedding. It was a beautiful wedding... with lots of friends... although I had a hard time watching her wear my wedding dress. She wore the exact dress I had originally picked out for my marriage with John. I wrote about it in June.
Was it hard? Yes. But, it's just things like this that I am learning to let go. Obviously I will not wear that dress in my future wedding. As much as I love it... I have to let go of it. And Rosie wore it beautifully...

After the wedding we spent the rest of our weekend in st. augustine. a frequent place visited by me and John.

and a place i enjoy with ryan now.

i love st. augustine. 

i honestly can never get enough of the place. it's such a beautiful, cute city and has a small town charm with adult things to do... great food... great drinks... i love it. and the best part is sharing my love for that city with my new love, ryan. :) 

One day I was sitting on the couch and counting the days from Ryan's birthday (Oct. 16) and got to the number 18.

I looked at Ryan and started to cry.

"You are one day older than John..."

He looked back at me and said "I know."

We had both been secretly thinking about that.

About Ryan outliving John.

And making it past day 17.

And he did.

I am in new territory with him. Days beyond what John got to live.

It's hard. It's weird.

But it's also a relief... that he's still here with me. And each day continues to be a blessing.

bah-humbug!!!!

the holidays are stressing me out.
and they always used to be such a highlight of the year.
family, friends, gifts, food, fun, festivities, parties, laughs, birthdays, etc. etc.

those were the times when i had stars in my eyes.
and everything still had it's holiday magic.

and now it feels lost.

My holidays have lost their magic.
their allure.

I find myself stressing this year more than ever.
One would think that last year would have been more stressful because it was my first year without John. But, my family and John's family had open arms and everyone got together for each other. This year feels very different... and it's my first Thanksgiving and Christmas with Ryan.
so, you would think adding him into the picture would be a given. have dinner with his family.

minor problem.
Ryan's parents just went through a separation last month.
now it's awkward... his mom is living with a friend and his dad moved to gainesville.
I mean, which parent would we go spend time with?

We considered Vegas with my sister. Then with the price of plane tix and the fact that Ryan has a lame job where he doesn't know his schedule until a week ahead of time and the fact that he works for a company that works through holidays... who knows if he will even have time off. Which brings up another point of how I am STILL very bitter at Waldorf for scheduling John for EVERY holiday before he died. Even though John filled out a request for his top 3 and they "promised" one of them. so, after being stripped from that precious time with him... I will be damned if Universal does the same thing to Ryan.

And as much as it may seem weird for most people... I still want to have my Thanksgiving with the Seays. They are, afterall, still my family. And they are a connected family and not divided by divorce or separation. It makes me feel whole when I am around them. Like they are part of my missing puzzle piece.
I think a large facet of this whole thing has to do with the fact that from the age of three years old I was raised ALONE with my dad.
I never had the big family dinners (until my brother and sister in law eventually had kids and the family grew...) But as time went on and I went to college... I lost all of that. I remember the times when I didn't even get to go home for Thanksgiving because i was tied to the marching band and the ultimate rivalry game of FSU vs. UF. So when I graduated and John and I would sit around and spend out holidays with brothers and sisters and friends and parents and nephews and nieces... it was like a perfect holiday for me. It was the stuff I had always dreamed about.
The stuff you see in those cheesy publix commercials.

This year i questioned whether or not I would be invited to any of the holiday stuff.
I ran it by Jim (John's dad) that I would stop by and of course, he welcomed me. I get nervous to ask them to be part of things... like maybe they don't want me to be a part of anything anymore. That maybe eventually I will be pushed out of the picture. But, even for Halloween I went over and trick or treated with the boys and when I go to their place there are still pictures up of me and John.. and I find comfort in that they still consider me a part of their lives.
But a part of me feels torn by my dad and Ryan's mom. (both rely on US for their plans).
I feel bad that I really don't have much to offer them.
I haven't made any plans.
And how awkward to invite Ryan's mom to my late fiance's family's house for thanksgiving.
Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
see what i am talking about??????

I honestly want to just... sit down... go online and find the cheapest flight to ANYWHERE and book a flight, a hotel, and just go away. Just me and Ryan.
No more worrying or thinking.


I don't want to deal with any of the planning or thinking or hurting feelings or having my feelings hurt. All I have ever wanted was to be surrounded by my favorite people during the holidays. I wanted to feel the warmth of family and the casual chats of "how are you and what have you been up to." Heaping plates of food and sharing funny stories. Watching football on TV or exchanging funny YouTube videos ( a favorite between me and John's sister, Annie).

Of course, I really long for the day when I can start my own family.
my own traditions and all.
Gathering around.
And teaching my children about what it means to be together.

And give them something I never really had growing up.
And what I lost along the way.

does anyone have a lifesaver?

Ya know... some days I come home and I can seriously look back on the day and think "that was a good day..."
And then there are days (and these have been frequent lately) where all I can do is reflect on things that have NOT gone so well and how I dread the next one.
School is draining. It's sucking my life away. And my energy. And my enthusiasm.
I am so overworked with the new school.
These kids are father behind than I thought... and I have a lot to get done and never enough time to do so. I actually broke a school record and used my alloted copies for the YEAR in one WEEK.
12,000.
I MADE 12,000 COPIES IN ONE WEEK.
AND I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED TO COPY MUSIC!!!
My principal must hate me....
and I have tried to butter him up... the other day I brought in some hot sauce for him called "liquid stoopid." and noted that it was because "i had been stupid."
I feel like as time goes by they try and make teaching more and more difficult. Nothing is getting easier. Even with all the technology. IT'S A JOKE.
Technology just gives us MORE shit we have to do.
Make a website, make a slide show, edit these videos, turn these in online, do this online course, check out this podcast, do this and that...
have a request? fill the form out online.
have a problem student? find their info online.
ugh.

Now I am just bitching.

When the stress comes so does the next phase... the pity party. woe, is me.

Oh, and tagged on to that I had a nice dose of guilt! My favorite of all.

Ya see, I have a problem.
I am a people pleaser.
I always want others to be happy.
My goal is to make others like me and love me.
No matter how thin I stretch myself out.
So... I agreed to babysit my nephews today (not knowing how horribly shitty the day would turn out or that I would spend 2 HOURS after school making phone calls to parents...)
As I rushed home to let my dog out before heading out to John's parents. (yes, they are HIS nephews...and I still consider them mine too) I started to feel the looming cloud of despair gather above my head. And as I parked at my apartment I felt the rush of heat hit my face and then the next step... the tears. I walked in the door and collapsed on my couch and just cried. and it was the loud kind. the kind that you would never want to record yourself and hear because you would be like "is that a dying animal?"
The kind that gives you a big headache.
 (which i am still waiting on this tylenol to kick in...)
So, John's mom calls about me coming over in the middle of my breakdown and I am still blubbering and crying and she tells me to stay home and cry it out and come over another time.
and this is the guilt part.
i can't pull myself together to go watch the boys.
i can't help out the people who have always been there for me no matter what.
and now i feel like i am letting them down and annie down to boot.
and so what do i do?
i cry harder.

i hate always living with guilt.
for fearing losing people i love because of stupid mistakes i make or commitments broken.
i just don't always feel as dependable as i once was.
i feel exhausted.
i feel selfish.

And i feel deprived of time.

and so pity party resumes.


to top it off.
ryan and i are having work schedules that conflict.... and our time together isn't what it used to be.
and when we do get together it's usually dinner and then bed.
or dinner, tv and bed.
most of our time spent together is spent asleep.
we are both always so tired and i don't know what to do to get us active because I barely have energy to type on this keyboard.

Im drowning.

ready, set, goal.

I read a facebook status today that said "my life could be a lifetime movie.."

oh man, the days I have thought that thought.

the days i still think that thought.

and as my life moves forward.. i feel like the movie-like circumstances continue to unfurl.

a drama. definitely a drama.

or a romantic comedy?

one of those for sure.

but then there are these days... where i feel like.. my life isn't such.

it isn't the story that one would want to grab at Barnes and Nobles or spend $10 to see at the movie theater.

I mean yes, what happened with John was completely tragic and out of the blue and we have a love story that rivals The Notebook any day. And yes, I have found love again. True love again. A love I had thought would NEVER come my way EVER again. ever.

and he's such a great guy.

and we have a great love story.

and i have had so many obstacles come my way... through losing friends and family, losing my job, dealing with suicides and murders, divorced parents, an absent mother, a unique family dynamic, etc.

but I still feel like maybe this is just another story.

and that even though I have been through all of these things... if i died today... would I actually be remembered in years to come? would my story be remembered? what do I have to give and leave behind? what will my legacy be?

i was in a downward dog pose today doing deep thinking. (isn't this where everyone does their deep thinking?)

and then the thinking continued you in the shower... (where a lot of my deep thinking usually occurs. )

what can i do to make a difference? to push myself? to be recognized? to feel accomplishment??

then i watched the Biggest Loser.

and if you ever want to be motivated... watch the final episodes of that show. and i watch these people with tears in their eyes and joy on their faces when they see these numbers pop up on a screen which represent pounds of unhappiness shedding from their body.

and then one girl cries out "i'm not just happy about losing the weight. i'm happy because i finally finished something i started for once in my life..."

and my light bulb popped on.

...all day i couldn't really place my finger on why i was so discontent.

and then that was it.

unfinished business.

my life still has soooo much purpose to it. there is still so much i want to do.

no, im not 100% sure what i am doing in every direction in my life but i know that i need to start picking paths now and start following them through. if i am not able to find a teaching job by August then i need to follow a new path. i need to go back to school or i need to choose a different career... even if just for a year. i need to start a diet and exercise routine that is going to work for me and that i won't fall away from. i need to set goals for my weight and stick to them. and then i need to follow through and reach that weight goal. (thank you Diana for being the motivation for this).

and i think a big part of this unaccomplished feeling stems from loving John for so long. and finally getting the chance to prepare a marriage and then having that stripped from me. that i still own an engagement ring but no wedding to follow. that i know for sure that when i eventually marry, and I can already say in confidence i want Ryan, that i will be accomplishing one of the biggest goals i have ever had... and the longest. since i was a little girl.

i just feel that having so many lose ends in my life makes me feel like i haven't done anything worthwhile. i have too many hopes and dreams and i need to start making bigger steps to make them happen. if i want to travel the world (like i know i do)... then i need to start looking into jobs that give the finances for that. if i want to not live in apartments my whole life then i need to start saving money and putting it towards a future down payment on a house. if i know that orlando makes me kind of miserable then i need to start setting my eyes on places where i will be happier.

it's all about setting goals.

and then actually achieving them.

the seasons of my life

for those of us living... life goes on.

and on and on.

and just as the Bible states... there is a time for everything.

"a season for everything..."

i often wonder what season of my life i am in right now. because honestly my life could fall into so many categories. a fall? after all... my leaves have been falling ... and changing constantly...

it seems most of the leaves of my life have been dying and making their slow drop to the ground below.

john.

my job.

my bank account.

my figure.

or am i in a spring? where things that once were dead and becoming new again?

john died. and i found ryan. /

i lost my job. perhaps a better one is around the corner?

perhaps i am in the in between. in a winter of sorts. where i lost things in my fall (or autumn. ha) and now i am in the waiting zone. waiting for the snow to melt and uncover the greener part of my life.

i am assuming that is where i am.

some good news though.

my atrocious roommates have moved out. although it didn't start out so great.. they basically tried to sneak out on us and not pay the last month's rent. as happy as i was to see them moving out early... there was no way they could just deny me their last month's rent and basically leave me in the dust. how cruel and inconsiderate of a person can you possibly be? thank goodness for amazing, smart people that do their homework. Ryan and Jim were quite a team. Ryan doing his research and Jim being a real estate attorney. i will have my money. just... not exactly when i need it.

figures.

but, we made it through.

i officially put in my LAST month of rent for this hell hole and now am looking forward to moving to our new place next month.

the best part is... we actually live alone now. and it's bliss. absolute bliss. no more stepping on egg shells in my own home. i can leave that to my job. i have a sense of peace when i get home now and i have seen a dramatic improvement in my mood. it was amazing how much these two really got to me emotionally and mentally.

and with that weight off my shoulders i still have much more to carry.

the weight of finding a job worries me.

and it's times when i do not have a job where i wonder... well, maybe i should persue something else? i always feel like i want to do 100 things more in my life than i can handle. i would love to go back to school. i would love to work with animals or psychology. i would love to be an actress or get singing lessons and be on broadway. i would love to work in television or radio. there are just so many things i want to do and only 1 life to try it with.

so. now that i am in this transition period of my life.

should i take a leap of faith to do something new?

or continue my passion to teach?

the light at the end of this tunnel is that i have someone in my corner.

even as i was writing this blog tonight ryan came over and said "baby, im in your corner..."

it almost gives me chills when he says that because that is EXACTLY what john used to say to me all the time and wrote it almost every love letter and card he wrote. it was important for him to let me know he was here for me. it's easy to be overwhelmed by the world and feel like everyone is against you. but what a relief it can be when you realize you actually aren't alone and that you have someone there for you by your side. that will hold your hand through your worst. that will love you through the thick and the thin. through the high tides and the low. and that was john.

and that is ryan.

the two men of my life.

the men who would never let me down.

and still never will.

even though john left me. he would have never chosen to do so on his own.

i still believe very much so that he is in my corner.

i have two wonderful, strong men on my side. one in heaven.

one on earth.

and that is what damn good support team.

fight or flight

fight or flight is a response to stress in animals.

an animal can choose to fight it's stress or flee from it.

a zebra will most likely choose to run when a lion is nearby.

a human may choose to hit another person when they feel threatened by them.

for me... when my stress goes up... my anxiety goes WAY up.

and then i have an urge of "flight or flight."

Lately all I want to do is run away from my stress. Or run to Ryan.

When I found out I lost my job I quickly got in my car... cried the whole way home.. and ran into Ryan's arms when I got there.

When my roommates piss me off I quickly go to my room and shut the door. I don't want to see their stupid faces and the messes they make and won't clean up. I don't want to argue anymore. Or fight about it... because it's not worth my time anymore. THEY are not worth my time anymore. I just want to avoid it.

Sometimes I feel a panic inside of me when I haven't heard from Ryan for a few hours. Even when he is a at work. I have literally had thoughts in my head to go get into my car and drive to his work. I have had to resist urges to show up at his work just to make sure he was there and ok. That's just weird.

and I know I sound like a lunatic when i come up with these thoughts. and i know what i am thinking isn't rational. it's just weird.

ryan tells me CONSTANTLY that he loves me. yet, I long to hear it all the time. It's like I need to know at all times that Ryan loves me. And does he still love me 5 minutes later? Why yes, yes he does.

I know a big part of this stems from my trauma.

In fact, it may all stem from that.

and i really think i have worked hard to make sure it doesnt interfere with my life. but i am afraid one day it will bite me in the ass.

what's gonna happen if one day i flee?

and i just leave my job because the stress has gotten to me?

or whatever crazy things my brain wants me to do.

i am so nervous about having to maintain myself like this.

i am longing for the day where i can live each day with low impact of stress and full capability of breathing. long sighing breaths of air. the day where my job is secure. the day where Ryan and I find a place together and we no longer have to live with slobs.

Slobs that, let me tell you, had the audacity to ask us to buy them more coffee when we used it like a couple times yet they used ALL my paper towels, laundry detergent, toilet paper, etc. etc. Now why the hell do you think I should go out and buy you coffee?! Just selfish.

I mean, who the hell deserves this?

I can't even come home stress free because I have to face THAT.

I can't even consider this a home.

It's where I live.

I am waiting for my home.

at the end of June.

...as you can tell... I am a bit pissed off right now at my situation.

I can't get a break no matter what.

and i have tried the positive outlook. i have tried the pissed off at life outlook... everything seems to come out the same.

shitty.

doors shutting.

I have been absent from blogging for a few weeks not. Unintentionally. At first... it was for a good reason. I was busy with life. very busy. With Ryan and work and friends. All seemed to be going well...

and then this past week... the day I had been dreading arrived.

My principal called me into her office and gave me the news that I would not be returning to my school next year to teach. of course, this hit me hard. And I became quite sad. and then mad.

First off, I love my job. and i loved my new school. I get misty eyed just thinking about leaving these kids...

And then there's the fact that I have not been able to keep a stable job for more than two years. This was my 3rd school in 4 years. RIDICULOUS.

I have never had a chance to watch my babies (6th graders) go through their whole three years and watch them move on to high school. I have never had a program cycle through that I can say was completely MINE.

I also have not obtained tenure due to the fact that I was once in another county.

And let me mention the worst part.... the school that I am at now TOOK ME AWAY from the school that I was once at. they ASKED me to come over. And at the time it was a great idea. I needed change and a fresh start. I needed new. I was weak an vulnerable. I was on the verge of quitting teaching because I couldn't handle the routine that reminded me of my life with John. Going to OMS refreshed my teaching spirit.

And yet, was this even a thought process when the decision to not hire me again was made???

My associate even told me she would fight for me. Yet, when the day came... I saw no fight. Instead she cried. And I went home to sulk for the day on my once again unlucky fortune.

I then got angry.

With all the shit I have been through how can someone honestly take away my job? My income? my safe haven? The place that helped rescue me from my darkness? I don't know if people truly think through the impact that have on others when they make these very serious decisions. or maybe they do. and they have to go to sleep at night with that burden on their shoulders. which is reason #1,503 why I could NEVER be a principal.

I know that money is tough.

I know that 2 band directors is where cuts can be made when the budget is slim.

But honestly, you just let go a girl who hasn't had a stable life in quite a while.

A girl who is trying to start a new life.

Ryan and I are moving into a place together. On our own. (thank god) no roommates. no stupid annoying neighborhood. No more ghetto.

Just me and him.

Starting OUR life. together.

with no job in the picture for me and a part time job for him... HOW THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO PULL THIS OFF?

It's been causing me restless nights and extreme tension. I know the phrase "when one door closes... another one opens..."

but for me I feel like I have had way more doors opening then closing.

and how frequent will doors be closing in my life.

I can't help but see nothing but one door after another opening in other people's lives. And I am struggling day to day.

I just pray a big door opens very soon.

and stays open, please.

something happened....

i didn't expect this. at all.

it wasn't planned.

it caught me off guard.

And, it's ok. because i like it.

the fact that it happened two days before valentine's day.... the fact that it has a pretty unique story behind it... makes it even better.

i am dating.

yes, i have a boyfriend.

it's allowed. there are no rules in the widow rule book. or in the life rule book. or in the relationship rule book.

i looked them up. And i found nothing on this sort of thing.

what i did look into was myself and the feelings in my heart. and the fact that I am very happy with this person.

i know that everyone has always told me they just want me to be happy.

here's me going for it.

i am going for happiness.

because of all people.... i deserve that.

perhaps you don't agree? sorry.

this does not mean John is out of the picture. he never will be. he's still here.

he's still part of the picture.

it's just i am opening my heart to something new. i have saved room for a new relationship. a new chance.

and it scares the shit out of me at the same time.

here we go.....

Memory Boxes

When me and John started getting serious in our relationship I decided it was time to start a "memory box" to place all the many memories we would have somewhere... and not forget. To be able to look back on them. We occasionally did. Not often.

After John's death I had to buy a new box. A larger box to hold on to all his sentimental things. I bought it a week after he died. It is black. It looks like a box you wouldn't want to open. Our other box has palm trees on it. Way much happier box.

The boxes sit in my closet. I have 3. One is from our earlier relationship, one is from our Europe trip, and one is was made after his death. Sometimes, when I feel the need to grieve, I will take out a box and place it on my bed. I open it and slowly take out items one at a time. I grieve over each item individually. Some items, like his glasses, I touch and smell... to try and feel closer to him. I had him wear his glasses at the viewing... and took them back after everyone left. I was the last person to say goodbye to him there. I was in the parlor alone and I kissed his cold cheek... and gently slid the glasses off his face. They will be mine to keep forever. I was the one who pleaded for him to get them. And sadly it wasn't just because he needed them... i just thought he looked so cute in them that he had to have a pair!! Of course, we got these really sleek looking Oakleys. When he put them on it was like he turned into a different person. "professional John" I loved it.

I am sure many people at the viewing didn't know John with glasses.

I am sure it was weird to see him with them on.

But, it's how I wanted to remember him. My handsome John.

The box holds much more than glasses..... let me share...

The newest memory box... purchased right after John's death. To hold our memories.

A smaller memory box inside. Bought by my school after John died.

John's silver DCI medal. The year Phantom won drums.

John's glasses. I took them after the viewing... he always looked so handsome in them.

John wrote me this note before he left for work on Valentine's Day. The night before we stayed up really late making over 200 valentine cookies for my students. It was quite a project. But we enjoyed it!!!

The staff at Waldorf signed this Congratulations card the day after John proposed to me.

John gave me this Valentine's day card about two years before he actually proposed to me. He knew from the start he wanted to marry me. :)

John's cards were my favorite.

John only bought me Hallmark cards. I don't know why. He considered them more classy? One time he didn't... and he did this. I laughed a lot. He was the funniest.

Read this. It breaks my heart but reminds me how amazingly lucky I was. The last sentence is what gets me.

John's tie bars. I bought him the top one from Tiffanys last Christmas.

John worked with me at Universal for a whole month. He hated it. He worked at Spiderman... it was hilarious. It was nice getting off together and talking about how our days went. My favorite story was when he danced for MC Hammer... hahahahahaha

John's Phantom Regiment dog tags.

John's mom bought us this picture frame the day he died. Just the beginning.... of the end....

Evan and I went to a bridal show. Being engaged was so enchanting... and I only got to experience it for 17 days.

Those are just a few of the memories in the box.... in one box. There isn't a box large enough in the world to hold all the moments we shared together.

ilymtli