it's not always rainbows and sunshine

I have to admit it.
Sometimes I act not sad to make others happy.
And I hate admitting this too because I have upset quite a few people with my feelings.
I am a people pleaser.
And it's killing me.
The other day I was walking ... I think just walking into a store...
and I realized something.

hey. I'm not super happy right now.
That seems ridiculous doesn't it???
I should try and be happy.
I have come a long way.
How can I possibly still be sad?

And the truth is.... it isn't always because of John.
I know a lot stems from that.
It's like six degrees of Kevin Bacon except I can usually trace back all my problems to when John died.
Every problem that arises usually stems somewhere from losing him.

I know that i wouldn't be having the problems I am currently having with my work and with my friends if John were still here.

I have to stop my mind from thinking about where I would have been if I had never lost John. Definitely would have been pregnant by now.
Or already raising my own child.
Beautiful wedding.
Loving and adoring husband.
A job where I was SUPPORTED by my administration, admired by students, and respected by my peers.

But I am here.
And I shouldn't complain.
I have THE most adoring and loving boyfriend a girl like me could ask for.
As I have said before I do not deserve Ryan.

What I DO deserve is SUPPORT.
I deserve people who support my decisions as a teacher.
I deserve recognition for hard work.
I deserve to show off how talented and smart I am. I deserved to have financial stability.

I deserve my moments of sadness... but without fear of expressing those times.
I deserve times of joy... which God has been so gracious and good to give me even out of my grief.


I am just ready for something to go my way.
A LOT.
I am ready for something exciting and life changing.
I am ready for my rainbow.



"Sometimes a shadow, dark and cold, lay like a mist across the road. But be encouraged by the sight. Where there's a shadow there's a light!"




(i don't feel like this entry really captured the way I am feeling. but i tried)

Go away, April.

Are we seriously back in April???

Well that's completely shitty.

And it's the third day of April?

fuck.


I need to find John's cake recipe... in a cook book I threw together in college. It was a great experimentation time for cooking. And I hit a gold mine when I found John's cake recipe.

Ok, I will share.
But it's a secret recipe.
So, let's keep it between us?

http://www.hersheys.com/recipes/recipe-details.aspx?id=183&name=...day-Cake


In two days it will be John's birthday.
His earth birthday.
The day Sarah Seay brought John Seay to Earth.
Can I ever repay that woman? Or thank her enough? Or clean her gift wrapping closet enough?
To somewhat truly thank her for the best gift of all?
A gift in the beginning which wasn't meant for me... initially. But I got to have in the end.


March was good to me.
Mainly because the end of it was spent away from my J-O-B.
I hate that I have started to think of teaching as a J-O-B.
Isn't being a band director supposed to be fun? I think that's what others see when they hear that's what I do. Banging pots and pans all day and holding hands singing songs.
Playing TV theme songs and movie soundtracks.
Playing instruments for fun.

If only people knew what hard work it really was.

But I teach an elective.
How hard can it be?

So it was a relief to go to Spring Break.
It was a relief to leave behind FL for a little bit and go somewhere else.
We went to Las Vegas to see my sister and let Ryan experience a new place.
We conquered the strip, gambled and won, marveled at the Hoover Dam and the Grand Canyon.
We did it all.
And then we came home.
And then it was back to the grind.

And back to my car....

WHICH SOMEONE BROKE INTO.

Seriously?!
And here's the weird part.
They stole CDs.... (What? WHO does that???) and my phone charger.
Ok, that's replaceable.
My then there was my yellow nano ipod.
Not just any yellow nano ipod.
But one that John gave me for Christmas. He had it engraved and it said "I love you with all my heart."
When I noticed it missing my heart sunk. And I try and remind myself "it's just a thing, Autumn...."  But it's not..... I lost something special....
Well, it was TAKEN from me. (which pisses me off beyond belief and makes me feel completely violated.)

I lost something from John again.


I had just lost my sunglasses from our 3 year anniversary a few months ago and now this ipod.
When I lose something from John I feel like I am losing part of HIM again and again. Like eventually I will have nothing to remember him by.
And my memories suck.
still.

Sometimes I will look at my students blankly trying to remember who they are. Because I have forgotten. I have forgotten their name. And it's April.
I am still waiting for my memory to recover. At least up to April 21, 2010. Erasing April 22 would be just fine and the many months to follow... at least until Feb 13, 2011 when I met Ryan.


So March ends and April begins.
A shitty month of nothing but reminders.
John's birthday.
John's deathday.

But as it turns into year two the world forgets about your grief and sorrow. The world has moved on. Frankly, it moved on the next day.
The world.
Not everyone.
Some people moved on quickly.
And some think I may have... because I am dating.
But that's not the case.
There is always such a fine balancing act between my love and affection for Ryan and my constant devotion and love for John.
It's hard to start a relationship when you are grieving. But it has to start eventually.
And you have to learn to grieve a little less often.
But in April I am allowed to grieve.
But my new school might not understand. Because they weren't there.
They may know about it.... but in their mind two years ago was a long time. In my mind I am like "how dare you schedule my formal evaluation conference on John's birthday. Don't you know I need a break that day?"
Of course not.
Because
1) They are heartless. They really couldn't care less
2) They haven't cared about me any other time so why would this day be any different???

Oh, do I sound bitter?
Maybe it's because more and more each day I find out that I work around a really sour bunch of people.
I put on my happy face EVERY DAY for these people and I will seriously get the cold shoulder if I ask any type of favor. I say hello and good morning and make an effort to greet everyone in a kind manner. And yet there are only about 4 people in the whole school who can tell me apart from the chorus teacher.



And I am so focused on all of this....
And I am trying to remember my fiance....
And I am trying to build my future.....

That I think I may just combust.



I HATE APRIL.
SO FUCKING MUCH.

jury duty.

i guess i was a little deceived by the red font on the paper.
JURY DUTY sounded pretty fancy.
I was doing my civic duty.
I was excused from work today to go to a courthouse and serve justice.


But this morning I woke up late.
Instead of packing the lunch I wanted to... or eating my healthy breakfast... I ran out the door with no make up, a protein shake, and not enough clothes!!
A sweater, light scarf, jeans and flats was not gonna do it. But in my mind I am thinking "oh, but I will be inside all day... it's fine."

Then I showed up to this:

This was the line outside the courthouse for security. I was in it for almost 45 minutes!!! 

Why?

Because FL is hardly EVER 34 degrees... and when it is... people put on more clothes....

more clothes=more work for security=longer lines

I WAS FREEZING.

My fingers were tingling so bad it felt like they were being poked over and over by needles. 

By the time I finally got inside to thaw it was time to go to my holding chamber. (where I am currently while writing this)..

i did walk in and come across an awkward situation when my craziest band parent said hello to me and happened to be serving jury duty as well (you have GOT to be kidding me).

I quickly bolted for the opposite end of the room.

Then I called to check in on my school and my kids (ya know, the ones I blogged about being a better teacher to just last night...)

GUESS WHAT I FORGOT!

oh, ya know... JUST A SUB!

I forgot to call in a sub!!!

I think in the back of my head I didn't really think my number would be called for jury duty so I didn't worry about it... and I think I assumed that because I turned in my absence request form that it would magically happen for me. I don't remember the last time I had to get a sub... because last year there were two of us and whenever we did subs Nicole took care of it. Last time I had a sub was because I was sick and I called that one in early in the morning.

So, it's been awhile since I actually assigned a sub.

Lesson learned.

Thank God for Jenn and Brad who saved my butt... yet again....

ok, adding that to my resolution.

Always have a sub lined up!

Professional resolution

I feel like I left out a resolution yesterday (ok, I really felt like I left out a lot... most of which are on that list Ryan and I made with our goals...)
But one in specific I need to bring up.
I want to be a better teacher in 2012.

Being burnt out and bitching all the time isn't healthy for me and it isn't healthy for my kids.
Yes, teacher can seriously suck sometimes...
but it DOES have rewards in the end.
I don't know if I will teacher forever... but I do know I can control the way I teach now and the way I touch my kids.
I want my kids to leave my class everyday LOVING music.
I want them to not want to leave.
I want them to look forward to my class every day.
I want to get excited to teach them new things every day.
I want to make time for them and I want to plan experiences for them.
I want to perform great literature and I also want to have fun.
I want to control my temper and try not to let the few rotten apples spoil the rest of the bunch.
I want to focus my attention on those who deserve it... those good kids.

One of my first years teaching I taught with another woman named Maggie (who is an amazing teacher by the way) and she had a motto she hung in her office that said "calm is contagious."
Sometimes I have to stop and remind myself about the motto.
It's easy for me to steam quickly when something doesn't go right... but I really want to work on making my calm contagious.

I want my kids to make a superior at MPA.
I want to give them music that is fitting for them whether they complain it's too easy or not.
I have never made an overall superior at MPA and I really want this year to be that chance for me and the kids....
I want the kids to deserve what they work for.... which will require me to do a lot of motivating and positive reinforcement!

I just don't want to give up on something I have always loved.
I want to keep giving teaching the chance it deserves.

Compassion fatigue

The other day i was having a discussion with Annie (John's sister) and I brought up the idea that "i care way too much." with everything i do... especially with teaching. I get completely wrapped up in my job to where it makes me literally sick to my stomach. i mean literally. my acid production gets out of control but i have high amounts of stress and then my stomach lining inflames for awhile. (as much as 3 months as i have discovered before. horrible!!). I go home and can't sleep. My eating habits go from not being able to eat at all to eating everything that I can reach. I tend to take EVERYTHING to heart.
My kid's problems.
My kid's performances.
My school's expectations.
My school's lack of expectations.
My student's futures.
My future.

I can't keep my mind from thinking at night.
I just sit in bed and think and think forever. I think about what I can do the next day to make the kids better. How I can motivate them. How I can better myself as a teacher. I read articles. I talk to other teachers. I post in forums. I spend lots of my own money buying shit for my kids...
and then in the end I feel the only thing I get in return is exhaustion.
It's REALLY hard to focus on the benefits when you can barely keep yourself from drowning in everything else.

So, when Annie told me about Compassion fatigue it was like my eyes were opened up to a whole new world view. Holy crap that's what I have....
I didn't do research on it until tonight even though we spoke about it a week ago.
It was when I came home from work and I felt the pressure building from school.
My kids are having their winter concert in 2 weeks. I don't feel completely prepared. I am giving the kids 110% and only getting about 20% from them. I work my ass off day in and day out and then I have kids who don't turn in practice records, who roll their eyes at me when i ask them to do simple tasks, who steal items in my class, students who constantly expect hand outs, students who complain about their hard lives when they have no idea about anything I have been through.
I am sorry, young person, that the stress of school is too much for you.
Try finding the love of your life dead in bed.
Now feel better.

that sounds not so compassionate, right?
Exactly.
I feel like teaching is making me more and more immune to the compassion I once held.
It's one of those things I still debate in my head... when I cry at movies that have animals dying and yet sniffle a little bit when people die in films.
What the hell is wrong with me???
That isn't right, is it??

Compassion fatigue is common with nurses, doctors, and people who deal with wounded military vets or children with disorders or deformities.
When you become overexposed to these things you start to lose your passion.
A passion you once had. immensely. You poured your whole being into this passion. But in the end you started to get tired of it... because it wasn't having the pay off you thought you deserved. I know being compassionate isn't always about getting something back. But if you go a long time giving your whole self and don't get any sense of reward... you can't help but start to feel a little apathetic.
compassion fatigue, folks.
Look it up.
It fucking exists.
It sounds a bit made up.
for people burnt out. for people who are too lazy to endure life's hard times. for people who can't deal.
Kind of like ADD or ADHD.
Being a teacher my lack for respect for these "medical" terms has gone completely out the window.
Your child can't sit still in a classroom?
Yeah, they're 10? and they can't sit still??
Oh, they are taking intensive reading and are deprived of physical activity? they go home and play video games and you feed them chocolate for breakfast? AND THEY FUCKING CAN'T SIT STILL? NO SHIT?!



anyway,
now that i have been looking up compassion fatigue it makes me wonder if that's what happened to some of my friends.
That my burden was eventually too much.
and they got burnt out on caring, trying to cheer me up, etc.
and now i feel bad. because i was THAT burden.

But many have never given up on me.
They carry the burden.
and it's something that i can never quite repay them for.
but one day...if anyone ever needs me too...
i'll be there.

and maybe these kids need me after all.
or maybe one day i need to take a new path.
towards a new direction.
a new passion.
or maybe it's time to re-kindle the one i already have.

Other people's problems.

sometimes i feel insensitive to other people's problems.
mainly people that are strangers.
it's hard for me to make it personal.

sometimes i can though.
like last night i watched a documentary called the Most Valuable Players and it was about these competing musical groups in PA. The main guy that organizes it is diagnosed with cancer and at the end it says it is dedicated to him... he died shortly after the film was finished. I bawled my eyes out. Because I grew to love him in the film. I felt connected to him. and i was inspired by his passion for what he did. in fact, i was a little green.
with jealousy.
because i know my passion is nowhere near what his is.
Then again, he was on camera. and i am sure they showed the best of his world. but, you could tell he LOVED what he did and it meant the world to him.

I don't always love what i do.
because i have to deal with things that aren't part of my passion.
writing receipts is not my passion.
listening to families come up and tell me their struggles because so and so lost their job and they have 10 kids and are all on welfare... isn't my passion.
doing paperwork is not my passion.
handling money is not my passion.
planning fundraisers is not my passion.
battling for calendar dates is not my passion.
begging for money is not my passion.
repairing broken instruments is not my passion.

my passion is to teach.

and that other stuff tends to get in the way... and snuffs out that fire. the burning fire i have to teach. Sometimes i feel like the flame i carry for teaching is very strong... and other times I feel it dimming... and in any moment you will see the smoke rise from it being blown out.
Ugh.


so, sitting down listening to a stranger confess their problems to me... not my cup of tea.

wow. then i guess I should throw counseling and psychology out the window???

does anyone have a lifesaver?

Ya know... some days I come home and I can seriously look back on the day and think "that was a good day..."
And then there are days (and these have been frequent lately) where all I can do is reflect on things that have NOT gone so well and how I dread the next one.
School is draining. It's sucking my life away. And my energy. And my enthusiasm.
I am so overworked with the new school.
These kids are father behind than I thought... and I have a lot to get done and never enough time to do so. I actually broke a school record and used my alloted copies for the YEAR in one WEEK.
12,000.
I MADE 12,000 COPIES IN ONE WEEK.
AND I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED TO COPY MUSIC!!!
My principal must hate me....
and I have tried to butter him up... the other day I brought in some hot sauce for him called "liquid stoopid." and noted that it was because "i had been stupid."
I feel like as time goes by they try and make teaching more and more difficult. Nothing is getting easier. Even with all the technology. IT'S A JOKE.
Technology just gives us MORE shit we have to do.
Make a website, make a slide show, edit these videos, turn these in online, do this online course, check out this podcast, do this and that...
have a request? fill the form out online.
have a problem student? find their info online.
ugh.

Now I am just bitching.

When the stress comes so does the next phase... the pity party. woe, is me.

Oh, and tagged on to that I had a nice dose of guilt! My favorite of all.

Ya see, I have a problem.
I am a people pleaser.
I always want others to be happy.
My goal is to make others like me and love me.
No matter how thin I stretch myself out.
So... I agreed to babysit my nephews today (not knowing how horribly shitty the day would turn out or that I would spend 2 HOURS after school making phone calls to parents...)
As I rushed home to let my dog out before heading out to John's parents. (yes, they are HIS nephews...and I still consider them mine too) I started to feel the looming cloud of despair gather above my head. And as I parked at my apartment I felt the rush of heat hit my face and then the next step... the tears. I walked in the door and collapsed on my couch and just cried. and it was the loud kind. the kind that you would never want to record yourself and hear because you would be like "is that a dying animal?"
The kind that gives you a big headache.
 (which i am still waiting on this tylenol to kick in...)
So, John's mom calls about me coming over in the middle of my breakdown and I am still blubbering and crying and she tells me to stay home and cry it out and come over another time.
and this is the guilt part.
i can't pull myself together to go watch the boys.
i can't help out the people who have always been there for me no matter what.
and now i feel like i am letting them down and annie down to boot.
and so what do i do?
i cry harder.

i hate always living with guilt.
for fearing losing people i love because of stupid mistakes i make or commitments broken.
i just don't always feel as dependable as i once was.
i feel exhausted.
i feel selfish.

And i feel deprived of time.

and so pity party resumes.


to top it off.
ryan and i are having work schedules that conflict.... and our time together isn't what it used to be.
and when we do get together it's usually dinner and then bed.
or dinner, tv and bed.
most of our time spent together is spent asleep.
we are both always so tired and i don't know what to do to get us active because I barely have energy to type on this keyboard.

Im drowning.

time flies... when you are buried deep in work.

School has officially begun.

it started back for me last monday... for teacher pre-planning. from day 1 i started off overwhelmed. but, i am gradually adjusting.

and, even though was flustered and ran about ranting and raving (the whole time ryan calming me down) I eventually got through.

I remember there was one day in pre-planning I was driving home thinking I was going to make it.

It's a 30 minute drive to my school each way.

And my eyes felt heavy and my body was weak...

as soon as I made it through my doorway I crawled in the bed and passed out. i let my dog out of her crate but had no energy for anything else. i didn't care if she peed on the floor or pooped in the bathroom.

i had nothing left for the day.

when ryan got home i woke up.

and i am pretty sure i cried.

and then this past monday the inevitable happened.

kids showed up.

day 1 was a mess... as usual. schedules are crazy and kids don't know where they are going. i am a new teacher. i have to validate myself to a bunch of pre-teens.

going to a new school is tough.

re- learning everything... getting used to new techniques, new rules, new codes, etc.

and yet i have done it 4 TIMES now.

FOUR.

four schools in five years. WHAT!

and now it's wednesday.

and things are already starting to flow smoother.

and things are starting to fall into place a bit more.

i am still in need of some breathing room... but each day it gets better. I get back in the flow of things... it's like riding a bicycle.

and then I take time and i text and call my friends.

and they are buried deep too.

and so, i can't complain too much... we are all in this together.

On my own again.

Today I went to my new school to check out the band room... and the rest of the school. I finally got rid of all the boxes and stuff in my car I have been keeping in their in high hopes it would find another home. It was nice having Ryan there to help me unload everything. Sometimes I have to stop and think about how thankful I am to have him in my life. Not just to help me unpack into my new school... but so much more. Someone that wants to help me and take care of me.

As I walked around my new room and placed the boxes down I started to get multiple feelings stirring around inside of me.

excited.

that I found a job.

that I am getting a new set of students. a lot of them actually.

that it's a well established program.

that's it's a new beginning.

nervous.

because i am on my own again.

i will no longer have Nicole to hold on to.

she was perfect at that time in my life. when i needed the support and someone to help me out.

but now that i am back on my own again i feel like i have to relearn to ride a bike.

part of me is terrified... about starting over. about being accepted by students again. about not having a fall back. if something goes wrong it's my neck back on the line. it's all back in my hands.

And to think... it's not like I haven't done this before! I have taken programs that barely existed and tripled their size. I have won thousands of dollars worth of grants. This is my 5th year teaching.

i hate being afraid of EVERYTHING now.

the worry and the fear.

it's overwhelming.

i try to remember what it's like on the first day of school and i can barely remember. maybe because this time last year i was still in some sort of fog. i didn't even finish my year at walker. i had to leave with a month of school left.

there is a lot of responsibility in teaching. a lot more for band directors.

so, i guess it's normal to be scared.

but it's also normal to be excited.

and I guess I'm not so alone.

I have Ryan... and as we moved stuff into the new room today he seemed more excited than me. it was like watching a kid explore a new playground.

he was in and out of all the rooms and touching everything he came across.

it was cute to watch.

i know that this is something he wants to do as well.

And although it was fun to explore the new room.. my mind started reeling with to-do lists.

This will be a good, new start for me.

This will be what I need.

It's going to be fine on my own again.

to make my own decisions. to live out of the shadows of others. to take responsibility. to create my own thing. mold it and make it my own.

but for now... i shall enjoy the rest of my summer :)

It's just a Tuesday. In my world.

It's 9pm. I am sitting in the bath tub. The water is extra hot and I have mixed both bath oil and bubble bath. I am contemplating shaving. It's now a once a day routine... sadly. I do it anyway... it's not such a long process.
I sit in the tub and just let the day sink in. I just got home from judging All County. In the French horn room. 20 horns in a row. 20 middle school horns.
My head is aching.
And not just because it's late and not just because of all county.
I have had a long day. Nicole is gone all week in NYC and I have been teaching classes all by myself. Even though I have done this the 3 previous years before... this was before I had 430 kids. I respect Nicole so much.... because she used to do it alone. I don't know how she did. Almost all my classes are wonderful... I love my school and I love my kids. And then there's the one class. The class that I try not to pour my emotions into or get worked up with but end up doing it anyway. My 7th period. They are a handful to say the least. I want so bad to show these students how much I love music and how much I love them but no matter how hard I try they don't let me through. Their lack of respect puts up a barrier. I can't even be myself because they don't care enough for me to do so. I want to laugh and smile and joke with them. I want to play music and get them passionate for performing. But, I mostly end up yelling all period and telling kids to be quiet. Or we sit in total silence because they CANNOT handle anything else. I hate the way they make me feel. Because it's not what I want to feel. I don't want to be angry with them and I don't want them to hate me.
So, after class today I just stood there as they all filed out of the room... and as other students came to pick up their stuff I started to feel the blood rush to my face. An all too familiar feeling. My eyes filled up with tears and I collapsed in a chair to cry. Some students came to comfort me. They hugged me, rubbed my back and talked to me.
The students are comforting ME.
Of course none of them are from 7th period.
So we have developed a bond, a relationship... that I cannot establish with my 7th period.
And all of a sudden I end up a blubbering mess. I spill out my feelings to my kids and next thing I know... they are all crying with me.
I tell them how much I care about them and how much my job means to me.
That they don't realize that they are really all I have.
Because in a way that's how I feel.
John used to take up such a big chunk of my life that I didn't allow for other things to take any place in it.
I rushed home daily from my job to be with him.
I revolved everything around him and our relationship.
I do not regret it.
But I have had to figure out how to fill in his space.
So, I allowed my students to have a large piece of that space.
To fill it with purpose and passion. To give that space some life and hope. That perhaps I can inspire a student or give someone else purpose in their life.
So, it's frustrating when I can't reach them all.

One of my students wrote me an email this evening. It was so sweet and heartfelt. It made me feel better because I know I have reached her. And I may not be able to reach all 430 of the kids I have... but if I can just reach a few perhaps I will serve a greater cause.

All this reflected while in a bathtub.

After the bath I take a chewable aspirin for my headache and my paxil and wellbutrin. Oh, lets not forget the birth control and right before bed a clonapin. And a spray of flonase.
All these pills. All the medicines.
All to make me functional.

I download the latest episode of Dexter to watch later after I blog. I still watch this show even though it was "our" show. Me and John's.
Lily wants to play. She always wants to play. She has taken my underwear out of the hamper and has cheerfully spread them all over my living room and bedroom. Um. Gross.
She attacks my pants and toes as I walk to the couch. It's like I am always swimming in shark infested water with her tiny sharp teeth. I yell "no" and make mean noises and she still looks happy and smiles. It's all a game still. She grabs a tennis ball. I throw it literally 20 times. She doesn't get tired of it until it rolls under the couch.

I feel so bad when I dont have the energy to play with her all the time. I am super exhausted and she is so hyper that I can't begin to keep up with her. How can I possibly be a mom one day? I mean... Lily is just a puppy. Not like I will be a mom at the rate I am going right now.

Tomorrow I get paid. THANK GOD. I HATE living pay check to pay check.
I am sooo poor it's not even funny. Most of my expenses go towards GAS. I travel a lot now. Back and forth to places. Not to mention work. Which is half an hour each way. It's killing me. And so is my obsession with itunes. I am constantly on the hunt for new music. Stuff that doesn't always have to remind me of John... but at the same time helps me with my grief. I have always gone back to my high school days and started listening to Nichole Nordeman again. Her lyrics are AMAZING. I cried and cried the other day in the car when I listened to River God and Anyway. And probably the most inspiring song for a widow... would be Every Season. It talks about the seasons of life... and right now...I feel I am in my fall/winter. The leaves are changing... the branches are cracking and I am surronded by death.
When will my spring arrive?

Tomorrow is Wednesday.
Tomorrow is not today.
Tomorrow is filled with meetings.
Tomorrow I get a visit from a friend :)
Tomorrow I get a paycheck.
Tomorrow I don't see 7th period.
Tomorrow is a shorter day of school.
Tomorrow is one day closer to my vacation to Las Vegas.
Tomorrow is one day away from my loss.
Tomorrow is another day without John.


JOHN'S QUILT PROJECT UPDATE:
$295 raised so far!!!!
Thank you to those who have donated! I love you and appreciate your support. Once I get the project finished I will write out a list to all of those who helped raise the money so they can be recognized!




ilymtli

comes and goes (in waves)

Tomorrow I return back to Long Island to take a trip to visit my sister and see one of my favorite bands ever.... Muse!
I think getting away is something I definitely need to do.
Although at the same time I get nervous thinking about it again.
Flying.
Going away.
Being away from my dad who is obviously going through a tough time and being away from John's family..... the weird thing is I never really get to see them much anymore. But, I can't imagine my life without them. Being away from them doesn't seem possible right now.
And a big part of me is also going to miss the biggest part of my life right now... my kids. My students are helping me keep afloat. They have surely been a life saver since August... that along with my partner, Nicole. The students I work with are great kids. They have big hearts and love music. I didn't always have that same passion before with previous schools I worked with. But, that was kind of neat too because I got to introduce them to that passion.
Only one class I work with now knows about John.
Our 7th period. Because they are insane. We call them "zoo band." We told them so they would understand better. Get an idea that I came to Ocoee by choice to start new. I left my kids to be with them.
And I think it was the best choice at that moment in my life.
In fact, I think I couldn't be happier right now as far as my career goes.
And my passion for teaching and for kids is back.
Something I was beginning to lose these past couple years.
Something that I always got to see inside my better half, John.
His passion for teach
ing was incredible. I was envious rather. Watching him interact with TCI or any percussion student made me fall more deeply in love with him. He taught me so much. He taught me to be patient... to have fun... to laugh... and to make learning music something someone should enjoy doing and WANT to do.
He helped re-birth my love for teaching each time I watched him.
Yet, there were days where I felt he held his love for teaching above me. It was a selfish act on my part.
John was my #1.
And I know I was his.
But, sometimes I just let my envy get in the way. How dare someone else take his time away from me!
But, looking back on it now... he was doing something he loved.
Not just something he loved.... something WE loved.
It pains me to think that he will never have the chance to be a loving father. To teach our children passion for music and love. He would have been an amazing dad. We had spoken of it often while sitting in the living room or lying in bed. How he thought I would be a lovely mom and how he would be an amazing dad. How we would be the perfect parent team. A lotta love and a little bit of tough. How we wanted girls like Bobby and Karen. Smart, sweet, beautiful and obedient. And we wanted them to love music. Not forcing it upon them... just raising them around it... and watching our love for it.
Sometimes in class I will stare out and see a student that reminds me of John.
I try to imagine what he was like in middle school (although he always said he was the best). And I believe him. I look at the talented percussionists in our bands and hold a special place in my heart for them. They are my little Johns. And one day they will reach out to others like he did. I see students that remind me of myself. And then I wonder if their life will end up like mine. A disaster at age 26. Will others be able to handle it? Am I really that strong?
It's something I would never wish on another human being.
It's something I don't feel I deserve.

My focus is really getting off lately. I can't sit still. I am always moving. I have gone back to crying a lot again. I am having flashbacks and dreams/nightmares. This all sparked before Wendy's death... but her death has made it even worse. The quiet of the night and the lonliness of my apartment make my spirits hang heavy. Looming next week is a date I dread.
October 30.
My wedding date.
On that day I am taking my relationship status completely off of facebook.
I don't want to have to deal with the drama of putting "widowed" or "single."
Other than a profile change that's all I can think of. I do want to get away. I think a trip to the ocean would be best. Just watching a sunset (John's favorite) and holding the hands of friends that can join me. It will not be easy. I will imagine in my head what the night would have really been like. It would have been a dream come true.
I just can't believe it's already here.
6 months have gone by so fast. Yet the time torments me.
The longer time goes by the worse the lonliness gets. It's starting to be unbearable.
The lack of affection. The lack of a connection.
The lack of John.

I can't make up for his absence. Even when sweet Lily sleeps next to my head in the bed at night I still feel the cool sheets on my side of where a warm, sweet man used to lay. He would open his arm and I would rest my head on his chest until I fell asleep. Then he would carefully remove his arm after it went completely numb... and I was sound asleep. He said sometimes he just wouldn't be able to sleep and he would watch me. I felt bad sometimes because I would be in the middle of a conversation with him and then without notice I would fall the sleep in mid sentence. LOL. And by the next morning I couldn't recall what the jibberish was about. And he would recite it to me and we would laugh at the obsurdity.

so tomorrow I fly. without john.
with anxiety medication.
to see my beautiful sister.
to see my favorite band.
to keep on living my life. without John.


ilymtli

4 months

yesterday was 4 months.

I didn't treat the day like I have before...where i sit down and ponder the day I lost him. where i take time alone to mourn. i guess i sort of saved that more for today.

yesterday i got to meet my future companion.

She isn't what most expected from me. If you know me, I am a BIG dog kind of person. I don't do little dogs. When I watch dog shows on TV i skip the toy category. they bore me. but show me the working dogs and my eyes light up. that is until i met emma and josie. (billy and liz's cute malteses)

So, John and I used to watch them all the time. we cuddled in bed with them, took them on car rides and basically pretended they were ours for whatever amount of time we watched them. but our dream dog was a dane. a blue great dane. a male. a strong, big dog. one john could feel like a man walking. :) but we also talked once about how cute it would be to have a little maltese and a big great dane and how they would be an odd couple friendship. so, i am getting started with one. I am getting a maltese. this is only due to the fact that my apartment complex has a weight limit of 50 pounds. and i would be going over that by about 1oo!!! besides, she is freakin CUTE!!!!



Her name is Lily.

She was named after the lake where John proposed to me at in maitland. (the lake which i cannot drive by without crying) I was also told that this name is a mix between billy and liz. lily. lol. perfect

she is super tiny. too tiny and young for me to take home yet. but on Sept 1 (hopefully) I will be bringing her home. i cant wait to snuggle her everyday and take her out on walks and out with visit friends. she will be a great companion for me to have and i am so ready for her.



so, visiting Lily distracted me from yesterday.

i also had a visit from Matt Grillo this weekend. Who i havent seen in forever! he was in big 8 with john and they share similiar stories with turning points in their lives. it was nice to have his company.... as well as his girlfriend. they remind me a lot of me and john. i guess most girls that date drummers do... it's just like a special club you have to be in. but it's so easy. to fall in love with a goofy, light hearted, fun loving "drummer." they really are the pick of the litter. and John was the best of the best. not only was he extremely talented musicianship wise... but his passion for teaching percussion was breathtaking. it literally left me breathless sometimes. he inspired me. and he also continued to say how i inspired him. we truly inspired each other to become the best people we could be.



matt grillo was only one of the few visitors i have had recently. last weekend i had brandy stay the weekend with me and the week before that TJ stayed a whole week while he taught band camp. it was like a blast from the college past. also, my best friend, Zack, from high school came to visit me multiple times and I also got to see Jacob... another high school friend. This past weekend Amelia visited me and we both hung out with Lauren and went to Bartow to visit my high school bff, Danielle. And tonight I had a very lovely dinner with Mike.

Just listing all these people really makes me feel truly loved and cared for. and i know that's what john would want for me. love and support. i almost feel like he has personally asked God to plant these people in my life. to look after me. long lost friends all of a sudden are part of my life again... and it's amazing to see that with most we can pick up where we left off... even if years have gone by.

tonight i sat in the bonefish parking lot with Mike.

he had a chance to share memories of john and to express his feelings on his death.

i just cried. and cried. and listened. i wasn't crying 100% sadness really. when i hear people's stories of john i just get overwhelmed. with the lives he touched. with the people that cherished him. some are surprising. some bonds he created were tighter than i knew. in fact, they were tighter than HE knew. He never quite thought he had a lot of friends. yet, his funeral was so packed people had to stand or listen from the lobby. I hope John got to see all these people. there for him and him alone. to honor and remember him.



i was surprised that sitting in the car with Mike was my first breakdown of the day.

after all. it was the first day of school.

normally, i would be in a panic the night before. i would check and re-check all my things. my purse, my bag, etc. i would set my alarm multiple times and ask john to set his too.

he would kiss me in the morning, compliment my outfit, and call me at lunch. always.

today was easy. and stressful. how so?

easy because it's just a "here are the rules" type of day.

stressful because the kids are CRAZY and don't want to hear the rules and let's face it... we all just want to play our instruments.

and when my lunch time came around i grabbed my phone.

and waited.

i waited for john's phone call.

and i am not kidding,

a part of me... thought it might happen. that john would call and wish me a good first day back. but, in the end... i had no phone call. so, i texted him. i told him how i wish he had called.

it's silly. i have been texting john since two days after his death. when his phone was still active i would go on and delete my own texts to him from myself.

now i assume they are floating around somewhere in cyberspace. and maybe he has a better chance of getting them. God, i wish heaven had a phone.

or at least an email account. where i can write an email to john and just read his words. i want him to say it's going to be ok. i want him to tell me why. i want to see the words "i miss you too."

i want to tell him about my first day back at my new school and how I am loving it so much already. i want to tell him about Nicole and how she is a gator fan and how one of my classes totally gator chomped me today and how ticked off i was. i want to tell him how the principal is a big coca cola fan like me and that she is a seminole as well. i want to share the big rice crispy treat i got today with him.

and now i am sitting in the living room. i have my list next to me... three things are not crossed off and probably won't be until tomorrow.
i am going to watch tv and go to bed. ALone. completely alone.
This will be the first time I am sleeping in the apartment alone by myself.
And I am a bit scared. I am nervous... but I know it's something I have to do. It's an exposure. And I guess after 4 months it's something I should try and do.
And if it doesn't work out? well... i havent gotten that far ahead.
i just need to look forward to a good day tomorrow and my photography class after school. distractions.
i am completely filling my life from them.
is this good or bad?