Wednesday, October 20, 2010

comes and goes (in waves)

Tomorrow I return back to Long Island to take a trip to visit my sister and see one of my favorite bands ever.... Muse!
I think getting away is something I definitely need to do.
Although at the same time I get nervous thinking about it again.
Going away.
Being away from my dad who is obviously going through a tough time and being away from John's family..... the weird thing is I never really get to see them much anymore. But, I can't imagine my life without them. Being away from them doesn't seem possible right now.
And a big part of me is also going to miss the biggest part of my life right now... my kids. My students are helping me keep afloat. They have surely been a life saver since August... that along with my partner, Nicole. The students I work with are great kids. They have big hearts and love music. I didn't always have that same passion before with previous schools I worked with. But, that was kind of neat too because I got to introduce them to that passion.
Only one class I work with now knows about John.
Our 7th period. Because they are insane. We call them "zoo band." We told them so they would understand better. Get an idea that I came to Ocoee by choice to start new. I left my kids to be with them.
And I think it was the best choice at that moment in my life.
In fact, I think I couldn't be happier right now as far as my career goes.
And my passion for teaching and for kids is back.
Something I was beginning to lose these past couple years.
Something that I always got to see inside my better half, John.
His passion for teach
ing was incredible. I was envious rather. Watching him interact with TCI or any percussion student made me fall more deeply in love with him. He taught me so much. He taught me to be patient... to have fun... to laugh... and to make learning music something someone should enjoy doing and WANT to do.
He helped re-birth my love for teaching each time I watched him.
Yet, there were days where I felt he held his love for teaching above me. It was a selfish act on my part.
John was my #1.
And I know I was his.
But, sometimes I just let my envy get in the way. How dare someone else take his time away from me!
But, looking back on it now... he was doing something he loved.
Not just something he loved.... something WE loved.
It pains me to think that he will never have the chance to be a loving father. To teach our children passion for music and love. He would have been an amazing dad. We had spoken of it often while sitting in the living room or lying in bed. How he thought I would be a lovely mom and how he would be an amazing dad. How we would be the perfect parent team. A lotta love and a little bit of tough. How we wanted girls like Bobby and Karen. Smart, sweet, beautiful and obedient. And we wanted them to love music. Not forcing it upon them... just raising them around it... and watching our love for it.
Sometimes in class I will stare out and see a student that reminds me of John.
I try to imagine what he was like in middle school (although he always said he was the best). And I believe him. I look at the talented percussionists in our bands and hold a special place in my heart for them. They are my little Johns. And one day they will reach out to others like he did. I see students that remind me of myself. And then I wonder if their life will end up like mine. A disaster at age 26. Will others be able to handle it? Am I really that strong?
It's something I would never wish on another human being.
It's something I don't feel I deserve.

My focus is really getting off lately. I can't sit still. I am always moving. I have gone back to crying a lot again. I am having flashbacks and dreams/nightmares. This all sparked before Wendy's death... but her death has made it even worse. The quiet of the night and the lonliness of my apartment make my spirits hang heavy. Looming next week is a date I dread.
October 30.
My wedding date.
On that day I am taking my relationship status completely off of facebook.
I don't want to have to deal with the drama of putting "widowed" or "single."
Other than a profile change that's all I can think of. I do want to get away. I think a trip to the ocean would be best. Just watching a sunset (John's favorite) and holding the hands of friends that can join me. It will not be easy. I will imagine in my head what the night would have really been like. It would have been a dream come true.
I just can't believe it's already here.
6 months have gone by so fast. Yet the time torments me.
The longer time goes by the worse the lonliness gets. It's starting to be unbearable.
The lack of affection. The lack of a connection.
The lack of John.

I can't make up for his absence. Even when sweet Lily sleeps next to my head in the bed at night I still feel the cool sheets on my side of where a warm, sweet man used to lay. He would open his arm and I would rest my head on his chest until I fell asleep. Then he would carefully remove his arm after it went completely numb... and I was sound asleep. He said sometimes he just wouldn't be able to sleep and he would watch me. I felt bad sometimes because I would be in the middle of a conversation with him and then without notice I would fall the sleep in mid sentence. LOL. And by the next morning I couldn't recall what the jibberish was about. And he would recite it to me and we would laugh at the obsurdity.

so tomorrow I fly. without john.
with anxiety medication.
to see my beautiful sister.
to see my favorite band.
to keep on living my life. without John.


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