Last week I was alone. For three nights.
Something I haven't had to experience since I started dating Ryan. We have always been together.
But it was bound to happen... we couldn't always be at each other's side. So when Ryan got his new job I kind of expected us to be separated for his training. And indeed they took him away for a week.
I hated every minute of being alone.
Of course, I did as much as possible to keep myself entertained. I visited friends. I cleaned the house. I worked extra hours at school.
But my mind was preoccupied.
As much as I dislike being alone... I also dislike the fact that I can't handle being alone. I feel undone. And I feel sort of embarrassed. Mainly because people tend to think they always have the best advice by saying little sayings like "you can never be comfortable with someone else until you are comfortable with yourself" and "absence makes the heart grow fonder."
So, I guess I was supposed to embrace the loneliness?
I guess I am supposed to be ok with it?
Because I am strong?
Because I am ok with that?
It wasn't so bad at first.
I was doing fine. I did aid my sleep with anxiety medication to calm my thoughts... and thanks to the amazing technology we now live with this day and age I was able to video chat with Ryan every night. He was literally the last thing I saw and heard before I fell asleep at night. It made things so much better.
I often think about what it would be like if I could video chat with John in Heaven.
The things that would be said. The way his eyes would light up and the corners of his mouth pull back to make a smile... the things that I have longed to see for almost two years now. And to hear that laugh again. Oh, yes. That laugh. Who could resist it?? That laugh that was like a song.... and contagious as hell.
So.
All was going well... I was making it and I was actually starting to feel proud of myself.
And then I get a phone call on Wednesday night from my associate director from last year telling me that one of our students at my former school had died. He committed suicide.
I was floored.
And then all the pride I had felt for being able to be on my own... drained away.
I was in need.
I was upset. And crying. And letting my mind flood with dark thoughts that I desperately wanted to get rid of. There was nothing I feared more than that darkness. That lingering darkness of death and loss.
And it was haunting.
My mind went to thoughts of him
And of his poor, distraught family.
And of finding him.
And of him dead.
And then I freaked out because Ryan was in Jacksonville and I was here.
And I had to comfort MYSELF.
No one was there to comfort me.
And I couldn't find anyone to come over.
I had to figure it out.
I had to self soothe.
And THAT was the bigger task... getting MYSELF to calm the fuck down.
I told Ryan immediately... and then told him I needed a chance to calm down.
I took a shower.
Not a bath (as I usually do) but a really freakin' HOT shower.
And then I did something I do not do enough... I prayed.
I do NOT mean to not pray.
It's not on purpose.
I tend to forget.
And fall asleep.
I suck.
But I sure did pray that night.
OUT LOUD.
No one was home. It was just me, Lily, Cecilia, and God. And so I prayed very loud and very intensely. I prayed for the child's soul. And his poor, grieving family. The people left behind to suffer. The ones I could truly relate to. (except the suicide part...)
I prayed for peace.
Over and over.
Peace for them.
Peace for myself.
I prayed for calm.
I prayed for grace.
And as I got out of the steam... I tried to turn my thoughts to happier times and happier things. I was refusing myself to go to dark places. I had to stay light. Especially when I am alone.
I video chatted with Ryan.
We discussed happier things. Tried to focus on our lives... our future...
I can't get engulfed with other's tragedies all the time. Because I tend to get out of control.
It's a balancing act really.
To grieve and to live.
You have to do both.
But mostly you have to live.
And I just started to do that..... it's taken a long time to balance it out. I had the grief hold the heavier part for such a long time I had forgotten to actually focus on my current life. That I actually was ALLOWED to do so.
So, live, my friends.
Live now.
Ryan came home the next day.
I can't tell you how HAPPY I was.
In my mind he had been gone for way longer than four days. It was an eternity to me.
And I felt so grateful to have him back.
Something about women who have lost before... for the people they eventually love... we appreciate you MORE than most ever will because we know what it's like to not have you.
It is just one of the few perks you get dating a widow.
You're welcome.
Showing posts with label lonely. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lonely. Show all posts
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
It's just a Tuesday. In my world.
It's 9pm. I am sitting in the bath tub. The water is extra hot and I have mixed both bath oil and bubble bath. I am contemplating shaving. It's now a once a day routine... sadly. I do it anyway... it's not such a long process.
I sit in the tub and just let the day sink in. I just got home from judging All County. In the French horn room. 20 horns in a row. 20 middle school horns.
My head is aching.
And not just because it's late and not just because of all county.
I have had a long day. Nicole is gone all week in NYC and I have been teaching classes all by myself. Even though I have done this the 3 previous years before... this was before I had 430 kids. I respect Nicole so much.... because she used to do it alone. I don't know how she did. Almost all my classes are wonderful... I love my school and I love my kids. And then there's the one class. The class that I try not to pour my emotions into or get worked up with but end up doing it anyway. My 7th period. They are a handful to say the least. I want so bad to show these students how much I love music and how much I love them but no matter how hard I try they don't let me through. Their lack of respect puts up a barrier. I can't even be myself because they don't care enough for me to do so. I want to laugh and smile and joke with them. I want to play music and get them passionate for performing. But, I mostly end up yelling all period and telling kids to be quiet. Or we sit in total silence because they CANNOT handle anything else. I hate the way they make me feel. Because it's not what I want to feel. I don't want to be angry with them and I don't want them to hate me.
So, after class today I just stood there as they all filed out of the room... and as other students came to pick up their stuff I started to feel the blood rush to my face. An all too familiar feeling. My eyes filled up with tears and I collapsed in a chair to cry. Some students came to comfort me. They hugged me, rubbed my back and talked to me.
The students are comforting ME.
Of course none of them are from 7th period.
So we have developed a bond, a relationship... that I cannot establish with my 7th period.
And all of a sudden I end up a blubbering mess. I spill out my feelings to my kids and next thing I know... they are all crying with me.
I tell them how much I care about them and how much my job means to me.
That they don't realize that they are really all I have.
Because in a way that's how I feel.
John used to take up such a big chunk of my life that I didn't allow for other things to take any place in it.
I rushed home daily from my job to be with him.
I revolved everything around him and our relationship.
I do not regret it.
But I have had to figure out how to fill in his space.
So, I allowed my students to have a large piece of that space.
To fill it with purpose and passion. To give that space some life and hope. That perhaps I can inspire a student or give someone else purpose in their life.
So, it's frustrating when I can't reach them all.
One of my students wrote me an email this evening. It was so sweet and heartfelt. It made me feel better because I know I have reached her. And I may not be able to reach all 430 of the kids I have... but if I can just reach a few perhaps I will serve a greater cause.
All this reflected while in a bathtub.
After the bath I take a chewable aspirin for my headache and my paxil and wellbutrin. Oh, lets not forget the birth control and right before bed a clonapin. And a spray of flonase.
All these pills. All the medicines.
All to make me functional.
I download the latest episode of Dexter to watch later after I blog. I still watch this show even though it was "our" show. Me and John's.
Lily wants to play. She always wants to play. She has taken my underwear out of the hamper and has cheerfully spread them all over my living room and bedroom. Um. Gross.
She attacks my pants and toes as I walk to the couch. It's like I am always swimming in shark infested water with her tiny sharp teeth. I yell "no" and make mean noises and she still looks happy and smiles. It's all a game still. She grabs a tennis ball. I throw it literally 20 times. She doesn't get tired of it until it rolls under the couch.
I feel so bad when I dont have the energy to play with her all the time. I am super exhausted and she is so hyper that I can't begin to keep up with her. How can I possibly be a mom one day? I mean... Lily is just a puppy. Not like I will be a mom at the rate I am going right now.
Tomorrow I get paid. THANK GOD. I HATE living pay check to pay check.
I am sooo poor it's not even funny. Most of my expenses go towards GAS. I travel a lot now. Back and forth to places. Not to mention work. Which is half an hour each way. It's killing me. And so is my obsession with itunes. I am constantly on the hunt for new music. Stuff that doesn't always have to remind me of John... but at the same time helps me with my grief. I have always gone back to my high school days and started listening to Nichole Nordeman again. Her lyrics are AMAZING. I cried and cried the other day in the car when I listened to River God and Anyway. And probably the most inspiring song for a widow... would be Every Season. It talks about the seasons of life... and right now...I feel I am in my fall/winter. The leaves are changing... the branches are cracking and I am surronded by death.
When will my spring arrive?
Tomorrow is Wednesday.
Tomorrow is not today.
Tomorrow is filled with meetings.
Tomorrow I get a visit from a friend :)
Tomorrow I get a paycheck.
Tomorrow I don't see 7th period.
Tomorrow is a shorter day of school.
Tomorrow is one day closer to my vacation to Las Vegas.
Tomorrow is one day away from my loss.
Tomorrow is another day without John.
JOHN'S QUILT PROJECT UPDATE:
$295 raised so far!!!!
Thank you to those who have donated! I love you and appreciate your support. Once I get the project finished I will write out a list to all of those who helped raise the money so they can be recognized!
ilymtli
I sit in the tub and just let the day sink in. I just got home from judging All County. In the French horn room. 20 horns in a row. 20 middle school horns.
My head is aching.
And not just because it's late and not just because of all county.
I have had a long day. Nicole is gone all week in NYC and I have been teaching classes all by myself. Even though I have done this the 3 previous years before... this was before I had 430 kids. I respect Nicole so much.... because she used to do it alone. I don't know how she did. Almost all my classes are wonderful... I love my school and I love my kids. And then there's the one class. The class that I try not to pour my emotions into or get worked up with but end up doing it anyway. My 7th period. They are a handful to say the least. I want so bad to show these students how much I love music and how much I love them but no matter how hard I try they don't let me through. Their lack of respect puts up a barrier. I can't even be myself because they don't care enough for me to do so. I want to laugh and smile and joke with them. I want to play music and get them passionate for performing. But, I mostly end up yelling all period and telling kids to be quiet. Or we sit in total silence because they CANNOT handle anything else. I hate the way they make me feel. Because it's not what I want to feel. I don't want to be angry with them and I don't want them to hate me.
So, after class today I just stood there as they all filed out of the room... and as other students came to pick up their stuff I started to feel the blood rush to my face. An all too familiar feeling. My eyes filled up with tears and I collapsed in a chair to cry. Some students came to comfort me. They hugged me, rubbed my back and talked to me.
The students are comforting ME.
Of course none of them are from 7th period.
So we have developed a bond, a relationship... that I cannot establish with my 7th period.
And all of a sudden I end up a blubbering mess. I spill out my feelings to my kids and next thing I know... they are all crying with me.
I tell them how much I care about them and how much my job means to me.
That they don't realize that they are really all I have.
Because in a way that's how I feel.
John used to take up such a big chunk of my life that I didn't allow for other things to take any place in it.
I rushed home daily from my job to be with him.
I revolved everything around him and our relationship.
I do not regret it.
But I have had to figure out how to fill in his space.
So, I allowed my students to have a large piece of that space.
To fill it with purpose and passion. To give that space some life and hope. That perhaps I can inspire a student or give someone else purpose in their life.
So, it's frustrating when I can't reach them all.
One of my students wrote me an email this evening. It was so sweet and heartfelt. It made me feel better because I know I have reached her. And I may not be able to reach all 430 of the kids I have... but if I can just reach a few perhaps I will serve a greater cause.
All this reflected while in a bathtub.
After the bath I take a chewable aspirin for my headache and my paxil and wellbutrin. Oh, lets not forget the birth control and right before bed a clonapin. And a spray of flonase.
All these pills. All the medicines.
All to make me functional.
I download the latest episode of Dexter to watch later after I blog. I still watch this show even though it was "our" show. Me and John's.
Lily wants to play. She always wants to play. She has taken my underwear out of the hamper and has cheerfully spread them all over my living room and bedroom. Um. Gross.
She attacks my pants and toes as I walk to the couch. It's like I am always swimming in shark infested water with her tiny sharp teeth. I yell "no" and make mean noises and she still looks happy and smiles. It's all a game still. She grabs a tennis ball. I throw it literally 20 times. She doesn't get tired of it until it rolls under the couch.
I feel so bad when I dont have the energy to play with her all the time. I am super exhausted and she is so hyper that I can't begin to keep up with her. How can I possibly be a mom one day? I mean... Lily is just a puppy. Not like I will be a mom at the rate I am going right now.
Tomorrow I get paid. THANK GOD. I HATE living pay check to pay check.
I am sooo poor it's not even funny. Most of my expenses go towards GAS. I travel a lot now. Back and forth to places. Not to mention work. Which is half an hour each way. It's killing me. And so is my obsession with itunes. I am constantly on the hunt for new music. Stuff that doesn't always have to remind me of John... but at the same time helps me with my grief. I have always gone back to my high school days and started listening to Nichole Nordeman again. Her lyrics are AMAZING. I cried and cried the other day in the car when I listened to River God and Anyway. And probably the most inspiring song for a widow... would be Every Season. It talks about the seasons of life... and right now...I feel I am in my fall/winter. The leaves are changing... the branches are cracking and I am surronded by death.
When will my spring arrive?
Tomorrow is Wednesday.
Tomorrow is not today.
Tomorrow is filled with meetings.
Tomorrow I get a visit from a friend :)
Tomorrow I get a paycheck.
Tomorrow I don't see 7th period.
Tomorrow is a shorter day of school.
Tomorrow is one day closer to my vacation to Las Vegas.
Tomorrow is one day away from my loss.
Tomorrow is another day without John.
JOHN'S QUILT PROJECT UPDATE:
$295 raised so far!!!!
Thank you to those who have donated! I love you and appreciate your support. Once I get the project finished I will write out a list to all of those who helped raise the money so they can be recognized!
ilymtli
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Halloween
I didn’t start celebrating Halloween until I was in college… I know, a lot of catching up to do.
And when Andrea, me and Kelly threw our first big Halloween party at our house on Chapel Hill in Tallassee… we wanted it to be spectacular.
And it turned out to be an amazing party. Minus the dry ice that Andrea and Kelly put in the freezer and it magically disappeared. Lol. It was to be used for our famous “witches brew.” That was the year I decided to be a sexy candy corn witch. And I have to admit I looked cute. And this was the beginning of John’s obsession with the banana costume. The previous years he has been in a scream costume with the bass line as well as a dinosaur. Did I mention Dr. Dunnigan had strict rules about costumes at practice on Halloween? That would be my John. Big 8 humor. Not following rules. Gotta love them….
So, sexy witch and banana man.
Which was cool… until John decided to be the banana for the next 4 years… I remember we had a bonfire the first year and the costume was still stained with ash and soot from the fire. But, he kept wearing it. There was a time I as tempted to throw it away (kind of like what I did with any of his sandals or shoes that started to smell really bad). But, I kept it. And then at one party John tried to go to the bathroom with the costume on and accidently peed on it. And that was the end of that.
We did switch it up one time. John used his famous dinosaur costume… which he borrowed from his dad. I remember taking a picture of him with my cell phone when he showed up to chiefs practice with it once. I don’t even know if we were dating then but it was definitely a “no-no” in chiefs. No costumes to practice. Lame, I know.
Our final Halloween together was last year. John came as the Count from Sesame Street. James and Matthew were train conductors and they had trains and everything. It was a big deal. Their first real Halloween. We celebrated by taking the twins out for their first trick or treat and having a party at the house. I was out of ideas and came as a “snuggie.” So creative. Metallica, the basset hound, was yoda. ( I did pull out the ol’ candy corn witch sexy costume and was a bit depressed when I noticed it had “shrunk” a bit since college. I still have it though. Leggings and all. Waiting for me to take a sexy shape once again someday. Yeah right.)
My first Halloween celebrations started in Cawthon... decorating the hallway with giant spiders and cobwebs and making scary haunted houses for local children to be scarred for life by.
And when Andrea, me and Kelly threw our first big Halloween party at our house on Chapel Hill in Tallassee… we wanted it to be spectacular.
And it turned out to be an amazing party. Minus the dry ice that Andrea and Kelly put in the freezer and it magically disappeared. Lol. It was to be used for our famous “witches brew.” That was the year I decided to be a sexy candy corn witch. And I have to admit I looked cute. And this was the beginning of John’s obsession with the banana costume. The previous years he has been in a scream costume with the bass line as well as a dinosaur. Did I mention Dr. Dunnigan had strict rules about costumes at practice on Halloween? That would be my John. Big 8 humor. Not following rules. Gotta love them….So, sexy witch and banana man.
Which was cool… until John decided to be the banana for the next 4 years… I remember we had a bonfire the first year and the costume was still stained with ash and soot from the fire. But, he kept wearing it. There was a time I as tempted to throw it away (kind of like what I did with any of his sandals or shoes that started to smell really bad). But, I kept it. And then at one party John tried to go to the bathroom with the costume on and accidently peed on it. And that was the end of that.We did switch it up one time. John used his famous dinosaur costume… which he borrowed from his dad. I remember taking a picture of him with my cell phone when he showed up to chiefs practice with it once. I don’t even know if we were dating then but it was definitely a “no-no” in chiefs. No costumes to practice. Lame, I know.
Our final Halloween together was last year. John came as the Count from Sesame Street. James and Matthew were train conductors and they had trains and everything. It was a big deal. Their first real Halloween. We celebrated by taking the twins out for their first trick or treat and having a party at the house. I was out of ideas and came as a “snuggie.” So creative. Metallica, the basset hound, was yoda. ( I did pull out the ol’ candy corn witch sexy costume and was a bit depressed when I noticed it had “shrunk” a bit since college. I still have it though. Leggings and all. Waiting for me to take a sexy shape once again someday. Yeah right.)
There was something so priceless about watching John walk around and trick or treat with his nephews last year. He wasn’t afraid to be a kid with them. He was perfectly fine with being a goofy uncle. Just the way that all uncles should be. And I was perfectly fine at being a doting aunt. And as I watched him hold hands with the boys and walk down the sidewalk… I saw visions of a future with our own children.
So, this Halloween I won’t be dressing up. I won’t be passing out candy. I will, however, be playing with beluga whales. Thank you Lauren Stone. My weekend will have it’s silver lining after all. After I get to touch and kiss my favorite animal in the world!! I know I can't fool myself. This weekend is tough. There's more than just memories of dressing up in costumes to think about this weekend...
So, this Halloween I won’t be dressing up. I won’t be passing out candy. I will, however, be playing with beluga whales. Thank you Lauren Stone. My weekend will have it’s silver lining after all. After I get to touch and kiss my favorite animal in the world!! I know I can't fool myself. This weekend is tough. There's more than just memories of dressing up in costumes to think about this weekend...
Things could have been different this year.
This Halloween I would have been coming out as Mrs. Seay.
For the first full day as a wife.
To the cutest dinosaur, banana and count.....
Thursday, October 21, 2010
scenes from an airport
I am at the airport. I despise airports. Airports have always brought back floods of memories… but for some reason never the warm, fuzzy ones I would like to have. The airport has been a bittersweet experience my whole entire life. My first plane trip was to see my sister… I think I must have been like 14 years old. And now at age 26 I am taking that flight to see her again. I haven’t been up to NY since May when I went through my darker stage of grief.
The airport has always been so odd to me. And now it’s just annoying. The moment you walk in you are surrounded by rushing people… hurrying from place to another. Parents dragging their children by the arms… tourists still wearing their Mickey Mouse ears and fiesta hats. Toting blue Disney bags filled with overpriced junk they will never use again. Then you wait in a line to check in… and pray your luggage doesn’t weight too much. Because if it does you have to drag all your shit out in front of everyone and hope you shove 5 lbs worth of socks and underwear in your carry on. Then there is the WORST part of it all…security. I know that I want to be safe on a plane. I know that these people are doing their jobs. I just don’t know how efficient it is all the time. And no one gets the idea to take off metal objects. YES, WOMAN. THAT MEANS YOUR GAUDY BOBO BELT!!!
(sigh)
As I was checking in today I had an interesting experience that sort of took be by surprise. The security guy checking my ID and boarding pass looked at me and said “I just want to express my extreme condolences to you…” Then he paused.
Omg. He knows??? How is that possible? Is there some code written out on my boarding pass or license?? “Watch out for this one. She’s a widow and unstable.” “Give this woman a break. Her fiancé died in April.” I just was wide eyed and said… “…uh…thank you..”
And he continued “we both have the same birthday. It sucks, doesn’t it?”
Oh my God. Are you kidding me? It was too late. I was already caught off guard. So now here I am… my eyes are swelling up with tears and I start to feel shaky. He must have thought my birthday was a real touchy subject.
After security check I go through to my terminal and play the waiting game/people watching game. Isn’t it interesting what people decide to wear on an airplane? Like the people in suits. Are they getting right off the plane and stepping into a meeting? What about the women in a full out matching sweatsuit. So freakin’ gaudy. Or the girls in 4 inch heels. Are you going to the club afterwards? You can’t possibly be comfortable walking around in those.
My airport outfit of choice for tonight: blue jeans, The National t-shirt, flip flops and hoodie if needed. John taught me the importance of hoodies while traveling. Lets face it. John lived in hoodies and this one of the useful things he got ou of it. Once I get on the plane and it starts to take off I can put my hood on and close my eyes to act like I am sleeping while my headphones hide secretly under the hood. No one bothers me… nor should they. I HAVE to have music on at take off. HAVE TO. And I always start with one song (as tradition)… “Recycled Air” by the Postal Service. John used to get my ipod out for me and we would listen to the song together. He knew me so well… even to the point of what song I listened to when I flew on an airplane. Once John and I started dating… I HATED traveling without him by my side. In my drum corps years I would fly at least once a month to camps… and I remember how exhausted I would be… how nervous I was going to camp and how extremely tired I was going back home. I remember there was this one time where I flying somewhere without John and he dropped me off at the airport. I lost it as I went through security. Then they had to scan me and I was still in tears… with John still in sight. He wouldn’t leave until I was completely out of sight. I think the worst time was when I dropped him off at the airport when he went to Phantom his last year marching… I was a wreck. Weeks without him seemed impossible. Now I will be living the rest of my life without him. I guess it still bothers me. I can still see his face at the airport… waving to me… blowing me kisses… holding my hand til the very end.
And then there were the times we traveled together. There is something about getting to share your travels with the person you love. Our trip to Europe was perfect timing in our lives… I am so glad we got to do it. Even though the flight scared the living shit out of me. But John was a great partner to have for plane rides. Him holding on to my hand tight… rubbing my fingers and thigh when I felt even the slightest shake in the cabin. He never quite understood my anxiety but he learned to help me with it. He loved me and wanted only for me to be comfortable. This included letting me take the window seat when I wanted and laying all over him… sometimes laying my legs across his lap and head into his chest. There was something about his strength that made me feel safe. And if I were to crash in the plane… I would hold on to him the whole way down. And we would leave together. I guess I always assumed we would… just like at the end of The Notebook. I thought we would die old and together. Happy with our successes in life and surrounded by the family we loved.
But reality now is when I go on an airplane I have to search out the safest people to sit next to. On this flight I am sitting next to a nice older couple. First row. First to get off the plane. I am easy … relaxed… thanks to the clonazapam… and a bud light on the way. But if this plane were to go down I would not have anyone to cling to and say my last “I love yous” to. And it still bothers me that I didn’t get a more official goodbye to john. I couldn’t lean in his ear while his heart made it’s final beats and whisper “I love you more than life itself… and always will. You are my world….” If those would have been the words at all. I am sure it would have been more frantic like “John, don’t leave me now. I need you. We need to be together forever…. Please stay.” I know if John could have fought it he would have.
\\
There’s something about an airport that brings back the floods of memories… from all the trips we took…. From all the goodbyes and hellos. From being in the longest line ever in Paris and missing our multiple flights in Washington D.C. To crying hysterically as I left Rockford, IL to find a job…. To coming into Tallahassee with John waiting at the other end with a dozen roses and a limo. To literally mauling John over when he returned from a summer of teaching Phantom Regiment. But in the end we were always reunited. It wasn’t an airport or an airplane that separated us from each other. It was an unseen force. Mysterious and out of nowhere.
And a big part of me has to turn my head when I see couples hugging at the airport. I hate reading the welcome home signs… seeing people kiss and hug. It’s like the opening credits of Love Actually (which I used to think was quite beautiful… and now all I can think about is how that I won’t be able to experience that again. These couples have something I don’t. They get to reunite again. I remember that feeling. Of missing something so bad that it literally brought you weak in the knees when the day came back that you had it once again. But, John will not be arriving on a plane…. Ever. There will be no grand reunion ever again here on Earth. I just hope that we will have it in heaven….
And when the plane lands in Long Island I will see my sister. And I miss her… and I am so happy to be with her… but I also have a longing for it to be my sweet John with her. Like… “surprise… I have been here all along.” I wouldn’t be mad. I wouldn’t mind. I just would kiss his sweet beautiful face over and over and over again.
Tomorrow is 6 months.
How could this have happened already? How did I survive? Besides medication , friends , family and alcohol. And God. My faith has definitely helped me survive. Because there is hope that one day we will meet in heaven again.
Im still on the plane. I am listening to the new Sufjan Stevens album. It’s amazing. I wonder if music in heaven sounds remotely close to the music we have down on Earth. I am sure that John has a big part in it now. Perhaps he is teaching the angels how to drum out some mad beats. They sure did the day of his funeral. There was a huge lightning storm which sounded like a million bass drums in the sky. Everyone agreed it was John. And I do too. John is still very much alive in the world around me. I think part of him lingers in the airport… part of him lingers in my car… part of him lingers in the streets of Orlando and in the places we used to visit. I think he’s watching me. And I can only hope that he can accept I am doing the best I can.
The airport has always been so odd to me. And now it’s just annoying. The moment you walk in you are surrounded by rushing people… hurrying from place to another. Parents dragging their children by the arms… tourists still wearing their Mickey Mouse ears and fiesta hats. Toting blue Disney bags filled with overpriced junk they will never use again. Then you wait in a line to check in… and pray your luggage doesn’t weight too much. Because if it does you have to drag all your shit out in front of everyone and hope you shove 5 lbs worth of socks and underwear in your carry on. Then there is the WORST part of it all…security. I know that I want to be safe on a plane. I know that these people are doing their jobs. I just don’t know how efficient it is all the time. And no one gets the idea to take off metal objects. YES, WOMAN. THAT MEANS YOUR GAUDY BOBO BELT!!!
(sigh)
As I was checking in today I had an interesting experience that sort of took be by surprise. The security guy checking my ID and boarding pass looked at me and said “I just want to express my extreme condolences to you…” Then he paused.
Omg. He knows??? How is that possible? Is there some code written out on my boarding pass or license?? “Watch out for this one. She’s a widow and unstable.” “Give this woman a break. Her fiancé died in April.” I just was wide eyed and said… “…uh…thank you..”
And he continued “we both have the same birthday. It sucks, doesn’t it?”
Oh my God. Are you kidding me? It was too late. I was already caught off guard. So now here I am… my eyes are swelling up with tears and I start to feel shaky. He must have thought my birthday was a real touchy subject.
After security check I go through to my terminal and play the waiting game/people watching game. Isn’t it interesting what people decide to wear on an airplane? Like the people in suits. Are they getting right off the plane and stepping into a meeting? What about the women in a full out matching sweatsuit. So freakin’ gaudy. Or the girls in 4 inch heels. Are you going to the club afterwards? You can’t possibly be comfortable walking around in those.
My airport outfit of choice for tonight: blue jeans, The National t-shirt, flip flops and hoodie if needed. John taught me the importance of hoodies while traveling. Lets face it. John lived in hoodies and this one of the useful things he got ou of it. Once I get on the plane and it starts to take off I can put my hood on and close my eyes to act like I am sleeping while my headphones hide secretly under the hood. No one bothers me… nor should they. I HAVE to have music on at take off. HAVE TO. And I always start with one song (as tradition)… “Recycled Air” by the Postal Service. John used to get my ipod out for me and we would listen to the song together. He knew me so well… even to the point of what song I listened to when I flew on an airplane. Once John and I started dating… I HATED traveling without him by my side. In my drum corps years I would fly at least once a month to camps… and I remember how exhausted I would be… how nervous I was going to camp and how extremely tired I was going back home. I remember there was this one time where I flying somewhere without John and he dropped me off at the airport. I lost it as I went through security. Then they had to scan me and I was still in tears… with John still in sight. He wouldn’t leave until I was completely out of sight. I think the worst time was when I dropped him off at the airport when he went to Phantom his last year marching… I was a wreck. Weeks without him seemed impossible. Now I will be living the rest of my life without him. I guess it still bothers me. I can still see his face at the airport… waving to me… blowing me kisses… holding my hand til the very end.
And then there were the times we traveled together. There is something about getting to share your travels with the person you love. Our trip to Europe was perfect timing in our lives… I am so glad we got to do it. Even though the flight scared the living shit out of me. But John was a great partner to have for plane rides. Him holding on to my hand tight… rubbing my fingers and thigh when I felt even the slightest shake in the cabin. He never quite understood my anxiety but he learned to help me with it. He loved me and wanted only for me to be comfortable. This included letting me take the window seat when I wanted and laying all over him… sometimes laying my legs across his lap and head into his chest. There was something about his strength that made me feel safe. And if I were to crash in the plane… I would hold on to him the whole way down. And we would leave together. I guess I always assumed we would… just like at the end of The Notebook. I thought we would die old and together. Happy with our successes in life and surrounded by the family we loved.
But reality now is when I go on an airplane I have to search out the safest people to sit next to. On this flight I am sitting next to a nice older couple. First row. First to get off the plane. I am easy … relaxed… thanks to the clonazapam… and a bud light on the way. But if this plane were to go down I would not have anyone to cling to and say my last “I love yous” to. And it still bothers me that I didn’t get a more official goodbye to john. I couldn’t lean in his ear while his heart made it’s final beats and whisper “I love you more than life itself… and always will. You are my world….” If those would have been the words at all. I am sure it would have been more frantic like “John, don’t leave me now. I need you. We need to be together forever…. Please stay.” I know if John could have fought it he would have.
\\
There’s something about an airport that brings back the floods of memories… from all the trips we took…. From all the goodbyes and hellos. From being in the longest line ever in Paris and missing our multiple flights in Washington D.C. To crying hysterically as I left Rockford, IL to find a job…. To coming into Tallahassee with John waiting at the other end with a dozen roses and a limo. To literally mauling John over when he returned from a summer of teaching Phantom Regiment. But in the end we were always reunited. It wasn’t an airport or an airplane that separated us from each other. It was an unseen force. Mysterious and out of nowhere.
And a big part of me has to turn my head when I see couples hugging at the airport. I hate reading the welcome home signs… seeing people kiss and hug. It’s like the opening credits of Love Actually (which I used to think was quite beautiful… and now all I can think about is how that I won’t be able to experience that again. These couples have something I don’t. They get to reunite again. I remember that feeling. Of missing something so bad that it literally brought you weak in the knees when the day came back that you had it once again. But, John will not be arriving on a plane…. Ever. There will be no grand reunion ever again here on Earth. I just hope that we will have it in heaven….
And when the plane lands in Long Island I will see my sister. And I miss her… and I am so happy to be with her… but I also have a longing for it to be my sweet John with her. Like… “surprise… I have been here all along.” I wouldn’t be mad. I wouldn’t mind. I just would kiss his sweet beautiful face over and over and over again.
Tomorrow is 6 months.
How could this have happened already? How did I survive? Besides medication , friends , family and alcohol. And God. My faith has definitely helped me survive. Because there is hope that one day we will meet in heaven again.
Im still on the plane. I am listening to the new Sufjan Stevens album. It’s amazing. I wonder if music in heaven sounds remotely close to the music we have down on Earth. I am sure that John has a big part in it now. Perhaps he is teaching the angels how to drum out some mad beats. They sure did the day of his funeral. There was a huge lightning storm which sounded like a million bass drums in the sky. Everyone agreed it was John. And I do too. John is still very much alive in the world around me. I think part of him lingers in the airport… part of him lingers in my car… part of him lingers in the streets of Orlando and in the places we used to visit. I think he’s watching me. And I can only hope that he can accept I am doing the best I can.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
comes and goes (in waves)
Tomorrow I return back to Long Island to take a trip to visit my sister and see one of my favorite bands ever.... Muse!
I think getting away is something I definitely need to do.
Although at the same time I get nervous thinking about it again.
Flying.
Going away.
Being away from my dad who is obviously going through a tough time and being away from John's family..... the weird thing is I never really get to see them much anymore. But, I can't imagine my life without them. Being away from them doesn't seem possible right now.
And a big part of me is also going to miss the biggest part of my life right now... my kids. My students are helping me keep afloat. They have surely been a life saver since August... that along with my partner, Nicole. The students I work with are great kids. They have big hearts and love music. I didn't always have that same passion before with previous schools I worked with. But, that was kind of neat too because I got to introduce them to that passion.
Only one class I work with now knows about John.
Our 7th period. Because they are insane. We call them "zoo band." We told them so they would understand better. Get an idea that I came to Ocoee by choice to start new. I left my kids to be with them.
And I think it was the best choice at that moment in my life.
In fact, I think I couldn't be happier right now as far as my career goes.
And my passion for teaching and for kids is back.
Something I was beginning to lose these past couple years.
Something that I always got to see inside my better half, John.
His passion for teach
ing was incredible. I was envious rather. Watching him interact with TCI or any percussion student made me fall more deeply in love with him. He taught me so much. He taught me to be patient... to have fun... to laugh... and to make learning music something someone should enjoy doing and WANT to do.
He helped re-birth my love for teaching each time I watched him.
Yet, there were days where I felt he held his love for teaching above me. It was a selfish act on my part.
John was my #1.
And I know I was his.
But, sometimes I just let my envy get in the way. How dare someone else take his time away from me!
But, looking back on it now... he was doing something he loved.
Not just something he loved.... something WE loved.
It pains me to think that he will never have the chance to be a loving father. To teach our children passion for music and love. He would have been an amazing dad. We had spoken of it often while sitting in the living room or lying in bed. How he thought I would be a lovely mom and how he would be an amazing dad. How we would be the perfect parent team. A lotta love and a little bit of tough. How we wanted girls like Bobby and Karen. Smart, sweet, beautiful and obedient. And we wanted them to love music. Not forcing it upon them... just raising them around it... and watching our love for it.
Sometimes in class I will stare out and see a student that reminds me of John.
I try to imagine what he was like in middle school (although he always said he was the best). And I believe him. I look at the talented percussionists in our bands and hold a special place in my heart for them. They are my little Johns. And one day they will reach out to others like he did. I see students that remind me of myself. And then I wonder if their life will end up like mine. A disaster at age 26. Will others be able to handle it? Am I really that strong?
It's something I would never wish on another human being.
It's something I don't feel I deserve.
My focus is really getting off lately. I can't sit still. I am always moving. I have gone back to crying a lot again. I am having flashbacks and dreams/nightmares. This all sparked before Wendy's death... but her death has made it even worse. The quiet of the night and the lonliness of my apartment make my spirits hang heavy. Looming next week is a date I dread.
October 30.
My wedding date.
On that day I am taking my relationship status completely off of facebook.
I don't want to have to deal with the drama of putting "widowed" or "single."
Other than a profile change that's all I can think of. I do want to get away. I think a trip to the ocean would be best. Just watching a sunset (John's favorite) and holding the hands of friends that can join me. It will not be easy. I will imagine in my head what the night would have really been like. It would have been a dream come true.
I just can't believe it's already here.
6 months have gone by so fast. Yet the time torments me.
The longer time goes by the worse the lonliness gets. It's starting to be unbearable.
The lack of affection. The lack of a connection.
The lack of John.
I can't make up for his absence. Even when sweet Lily sleeps next to my head in the bed at night I still feel the cool sheets on my side of where a warm, sweet man used to lay. He would open his arm and I would rest my head on his chest until I fell asleep. Then he would carefully remove his arm after it went completely numb... and I was sound asleep. He said sometimes he just wouldn't be able to sleep and he would watch me. I felt bad sometimes because I would be in the middle of a conversation with him and then without notice I would fall the sleep in mid sentence. LOL. And by the next morning I couldn't recall what the jibberish was about. And he would recite it to me and we would laugh at the obsurdity.
so tomorrow I fly. without john.
with anxiety medication.
to see my beautiful sister.
to see my favorite band.
to keep on living my life. without John.
ilymtli
I think getting away is something I definitely need to do.
Although at the same time I get nervous thinking about it again.
Flying.
Going away.
Being away from my dad who is obviously going through a tough time and being away from John's family..... the weird thing is I never really get to see them much anymore. But, I can't imagine my life without them. Being away from them doesn't seem possible right now.
And a big part of me is also going to miss the biggest part of my life right now... my kids. My students are helping me keep afloat. They have surely been a life saver since August... that along with my partner, Nicole. The students I work with are great kids. They have big hearts and love music. I didn't always have that same passion before with previous schools I worked with. But, that was kind of neat too because I got to introduce them to that passion.
Only one class I work with now knows about John.
Our 7th period. Because they are insane. We call them "zoo band." We told them so they would understand better. Get an idea that I came to Ocoee by choice to start new. I left my kids to be with them.
And I think it was the best choice at that moment in my life.
In fact, I think I couldn't be happier right now as far as my career goes.
And my passion for teaching and for kids is back.
Something I was beginning to lose these past couple years.
Something that I always got to see inside my better half, John.
His passion for teach
ing was incredible. I was envious rather. Watching him interact with TCI or any percussion student made me fall more deeply in love with him. He taught me so much. He taught me to be patient... to have fun... to laugh... and to make learning music something someone should enjoy doing and WANT to do.
He helped re-birth my love for teaching each time I watched him.
Yet, there were days where I felt he held his love for teaching above me. It was a selfish act on my part.
John was my #1.
And I know I was his.
But, sometimes I just let my envy get in the way. How dare someone else take his time away from me!
But, looking back on it now... he was doing something he loved.
Not just something he loved.... something WE loved.
It pains me to think that he will never have the chance to be a loving father. To teach our children passion for music and love. He would have been an amazing dad. We had spoken of it often while sitting in the living room or lying in bed. How he thought I would be a lovely mom and how he would be an amazing dad. How we would be the perfect parent team. A lotta love and a little bit of tough. How we wanted girls like Bobby and Karen. Smart, sweet, beautiful and obedient. And we wanted them to love music. Not forcing it upon them... just raising them around it... and watching our love for it.
Sometimes in class I will stare out and see a student that reminds me of John.
I try to imagine what he was like in middle school (although he always said he was the best). And I believe him. I look at the talented percussionists in our bands and hold a special place in my heart for them. They are my little Johns. And one day they will reach out to others like he did. I see students that remind me of myself. And then I wonder if their life will end up like mine. A disaster at age 26. Will others be able to handle it? Am I really that strong?
It's something I would never wish on another human being.
It's something I don't feel I deserve.
My focus is really getting off lately. I can't sit still. I am always moving. I have gone back to crying a lot again. I am having flashbacks and dreams/nightmares. This all sparked before Wendy's death... but her death has made it even worse. The quiet of the night and the lonliness of my apartment make my spirits hang heavy. Looming next week is a date I dread.
October 30.
My wedding date.
On that day I am taking my relationship status completely off of facebook.
I don't want to have to deal with the drama of putting "widowed" or "single."
Other than a profile change that's all I can think of. I do want to get away. I think a trip to the ocean would be best. Just watching a sunset (John's favorite) and holding the hands of friends that can join me. It will not be easy. I will imagine in my head what the night would have really been like. It would have been a dream come true.
I just can't believe it's already here.
6 months have gone by so fast. Yet the time torments me.
The longer time goes by the worse the lonliness gets. It's starting to be unbearable.
The lack of affection. The lack of a connection.
The lack of John.
I can't make up for his absence. Even when sweet Lily sleeps next to my head in the bed at night I still feel the cool sheets on my side of where a warm, sweet man used to lay. He would open his arm and I would rest my head on his chest until I fell asleep. Then he would carefully remove his arm after it went completely numb... and I was sound asleep. He said sometimes he just wouldn't be able to sleep and he would watch me. I felt bad sometimes because I would be in the middle of a conversation with him and then without notice I would fall the sleep in mid sentence. LOL. And by the next morning I couldn't recall what the jibberish was about. And he would recite it to me and we would laugh at the obsurdity.
so tomorrow I fly. without john.
with anxiety medication.
to see my beautiful sister.
to see my favorite band.
to keep on living my life. without John.
ilymtli
Monday, October 4, 2010
Fix You
Sometimes I feel bad for my friends and family.
Mainly because no matter how hard they try there is nothing they can do to "fix" me. I know the first person to do so would be my dad. I know when he sees me upset about John it breaks his heart. As much as he tries to hide it I can see it in his face and hear it in his voice while I cry over the phone.
Even though I know that many feel for me... I can't help but feel like my sadness is only exhausting for others to deal with. I know for me personally, I always want to be the one to solve things right away. I want to make someone happy and I want an imediate response. Besides, it's what makes others happy too. But, this just can't happen right now. And how bad I feel when I make others feel like they can't help me. When people send me cards or flowers or call me and invite me to dinner to take me out I do the best I can to have a good time and find my moments of joy. These small joy moments are what keep me alive. They keep me stepping forward.... which I believe has started to happen. I feel I may have started to take tiny baby steps. In what direction? I have no idea. But... I feel them.
I just want people to know that I can't be fixed right now.
But, I can have joy moments.
And there's a small fear that lingers inside of me that feels as though I may push friends and family away from me because I am too much of a project for them. I am high maitenance. I agree. I have issues to deal with daily. I have internal battles going on each moment. I have moments of laughing that can immediately turn into tears. I am unpredictable and complicated. I am an extraordinary machine.
And I really do want to start working on myself.
I want to take what life handed me and start to work on it.
Even though I think it was the most unfair of hands dealt... now I have to live with it. And the only other way out is to not live. Which is not an option for me.
I have started looking up a new psychologist. Talking to someone who's professionally trained for my struggles will be good for me. I have started making new friendships and re-kindling old ones. One positive thing John's death brought to me was the kinship of a group of women who hurt like me... and who understand this hard road I am now following. Most are ahead of me on the road and understand each and every crossroad I may come across. It is these amazing group of women who have really been my inspiration to keep going. They show me that there is something to live forward in the future. Life may not always be the same... but it's worth living for.
I want to lose weight.
Having John's death as an excuse just won't do anymore.
I am unhealthy and I purposely avoid weighing on my Wii Fit... for two reasons.
1) when I log on John's character is there too... standing next to me. Sometimes the machine asks where he is. What can you tell a stupid robot? Yet I refuse to remove his character. Because John made it... and John's results on there. Another sign that he lived in my life.
2) I don't think I will like the number that I see.
From what I see in the mirror and by the clues given to me by my buttons hanging on for dear life on my pants... is that I have gained serious weight since April. I must have lost about 10 lbs the first month but once I had an appetite again all I wanted to do was eat. Eat anything I wanted because after all "I deserved it." And who the hell did I have to impress?
So, I am going to start changing my eating habits.
I am giving up coke and giving into water.... as much as possible.
I am going to cook in more and eat more fresh meals.
I want to eat more proteins and vegetables and less carbs and dairy.
I want to go down a couple sizes before Tim and Lisa's wedding. I refuse to show up as the fat, sad widow. Although that's what it will feel like no matter what.
I wish I had motivation to wake up super early in the morning an work out. But I can hardly wake up to make it on time to school. So, morning is not an option. It would have to be after schoool.... and even the thought of that makes me want to cry. A healthy lifestyle is time consuming and exhausting. i wish Diana were here to inspire me. which she does anyway. Diana and I started Medi weight loss last Jan together and she has gone down like 4 pant sizes. And she looks awesome. I dropped the ball somewhere and ended up losing almost 10 lbs... and then D-day came and it was bye-bye logic or reason. But to add on top of my consuming grief... the dissapointment and depression of feeling like a complete fat ass., It's just not a good combination. At all.
Oh, and can I just talk about how much I miss John being here to do things for me like help me take in the groceries or take out the trash or even the stupid things like change an air filter or do an oil check. We became so familiar with those routines.... John scooped the cat litter and I cooked dinner. John loaded the dishwasher and I unloaded it. John took out the trash and I just watched him look cute doing it.
Anyway, Lunesta is taking it's toll.
P.S. IT'S THE WORST TASTING MEDICINE EVER. you get this awful aftertaste the next day for almost the whole day. the medicine works charms I just wish that it didn't taste like I ate a punch of pennies while I was sleeping.
Good night
ilymtli
Oh and just because....
the gators lost this weekend.
and the heavens rejoiced. I know john played the loudest bass drum ever in heaven.
and here was a fellow tribute by me circa 2006
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Table for One.
On Tuesdays I have two hours between when school gets out and my photography class. I usually stay after school and get some things done and then head out to downtown Winter Garden for dinner.
And it's always a table for one.
Every tuesday. It's just me alone at the table... single plate, single fork, single cup. It's not just Tuesdays that this happens... it can happen any day. I have been fortunate enough that it doesn't happen to often. I have friends that eat meals with me all the time and every week day I get to eat lunch with Nicole. But dinners alone are hard. Whether they are out at a restaurant or at home. John was always such good company when we would go out to eat. First, we made it fun. Our favorite game (and something we were very competative with) was sugar soccer. It's where you take a sugar packet and slide it across the table and try to get part of the package to hang off the edge without falling over. We had two ways of playing the game. The pansy way... with just a point system. Or the serious way. Where every time the other person scored you had to eat the sugar packet. Sure, it sounds not bad at first. But when you are at a busy restaurant and the food is taking forever... next thing you know you have 10 empty sugar packets next to you and a massive feeling of throwing up. But, in the end..I always won more games than John when it came to sugar soccer.
The other day I went out to eat with my friend, Zack. I wanted to play the game. But I held my tongue. I refused. Deep inside I know it wouldn't be the same. Sometimes I get weird trying to share my John traditions with others. Especially because sometimes John was the only one that got it... he understood.
John and I had the same food obsessions... from sushi to thai food... we were food twins. And partly because we introduced each other to foods. And we had our favorite restaurants. In Tallahassee we ALWAYS had to stop by ONE stirfry and Osaka for their snow white sushi. While living there we also enjoyed a little place called California sushi. This was the place where John learned how to make the perfecr sushi rice. It was owned by a cute Japanese couple and one day they gave us lessons while we were there since there were no other customers. In Orlando we liked many places. Thai Thani by Sea World was always at the top of our list along with Melting Pot. How can you go wrong with Melting Pot? Hatsuhana... a little Japanese place by John's parents had our favorite salmon roll.
When we lived in Hunters Creek it was always Tiajuana Flats and Ritas Italian Ice. And I can't forget our sick obession with Maggie Moo Moos in 2008. It was a serious addiction. So much John almost got a job there he loved it so much.
If we weren't eating out we were eating in. John didn't have many specialties but the ones he had boggled me. He made PERFECT sushi. Of all things he couldn't make... and yet sushi was his specialty! I always felt so guilty when he made it... it took him hours. And when he presented it to me I would praise him. And then eat like two rolls before I was like, "ok, Im done." Mainly because I hated the sea weed wraps Publix sold.
He was also great at making home made pizza. I bought him a pizza stone when we were living in our apartment in Hunters Creek and it started the obsession right then and there. Our fridge was constantly stocked with pizza dough and various toppings. After we realized how unhealthy it was... and after leaving the pizza stone in the oven multiple times and forgetting it was in there... we had to stop. I threw the stone away to prove a point.
Our biggest addiction.
COCA COLA.
We seriously had to make sure never to buy it because it would be gone in one day. When we lived with John's parents the cokes were always in abundance. It was never good. When we would diet sometimes I would sneak down to grab one when John wasn't looking. But, he always caught me because of how loud it is when the lid pops open. He would be like "you better not!!" So, we made a vow. Only drink soda when we are at the movie theaters. Ok, fair enough. Needless to say we went to the movies frequently. And got a large coke that you could refill. One straw. John would do this weird thing where he would bite the end of the straw so only a little liquid would come out. It drove me nuts. I would always reshape it and then he would just do it again. It was a constant battle. And he would always drink more and faster than me. So, when it came time to refill I would try to guilt him into doing it. It didn't always work.
Movie dates were fond memories. They were our escape days. But what were we possiby escaping? The stress of life? Little did I know then my life was cake. It couldn't have been more simple. And now.... it's extremely challenging and complicated.
And it can take a table set for one to make it clear.
To make the reality sink in once again.
That John won't be sitting across from me... or next to me... anymore (we had a tendency to sit next to each other in booths).
He won't be ordering a coke or a water or a gin and tonic.
I won't be cooking his favorite meals anymore... chicken and cheesy rice, taco salad, autumn chicken, stir fry, pizza bagels, ...
We won't share a straw or nibble off each other's food.
He won't be ordering a grande coffe with two extra shots of espresso from starbucks anymore.
I am ordering food for one.
I am cooking food for one.
I am eating alone.
In a booth. At a table. In a bar. In the car. In a plane. On the couch.
No conversations about calories and carbs with a slight mix of politics.
Just me. In silence.
Hearing myself chew and reminding myself of how it used to be.
When the table was set for two.
And it's always a table for one.
Every tuesday. It's just me alone at the table... single plate, single fork, single cup. It's not just Tuesdays that this happens... it can happen any day. I have been fortunate enough that it doesn't happen to often. I have friends that eat meals with me all the time and every week day I get to eat lunch with Nicole. But dinners alone are hard. Whether they are out at a restaurant or at home. John was always such good company when we would go out to eat. First, we made it fun. Our favorite game (and something we were very competative with) was sugar soccer. It's where you take a sugar packet and slide it across the table and try to get part of the package to hang off the edge without falling over. We had two ways of playing the game. The pansy way... with just a point system. Or the serious way. Where every time the other person scored you had to eat the sugar packet. Sure, it sounds not bad at first. But when you are at a busy restaurant and the food is taking forever... next thing you know you have 10 empty sugar packets next to you and a massive feeling of throwing up. But, in the end..I always won more games than John when it came to sugar soccer.
The other day I went out to eat with my friend, Zack. I wanted to play the game. But I held my tongue. I refused. Deep inside I know it wouldn't be the same. Sometimes I get weird trying to share my John traditions with others. Especially because sometimes John was the only one that got it... he understood.
John and I had the same food obsessions... from sushi to thai food... we were food twins. And partly because we introduced each other to foods. And we had our favorite restaurants. In Tallahassee we ALWAYS had to stop by ONE stirfry and Osaka for their snow white sushi. While living there we also enjoyed a little place called California sushi. This was the place where John learned how to make the perfecr sushi rice. It was owned by a cute Japanese couple and one day they gave us lessons while we were there since there were no other customers. In Orlando we liked many places. Thai Thani by Sea World was always at the top of our list along with Melting Pot. How can you go wrong with Melting Pot? Hatsuhana... a little Japanese place by John's parents had our favorite salmon roll.
When we lived in Hunters Creek it was always Tiajuana Flats and Ritas Italian Ice. And I can't forget our sick obession with Maggie Moo Moos in 2008. It was a serious addiction. So much John almost got a job there he loved it so much.
If we weren't eating out we were eating in. John didn't have many specialties but the ones he had boggled me. He made PERFECT sushi. Of all things he couldn't make... and yet sushi was his specialty! I always felt so guilty when he made it... it took him hours. And when he presented it to me I would praise him. And then eat like two rolls before I was like, "ok, Im done." Mainly because I hated the sea weed wraps Publix sold.
He was also great at making home made pizza. I bought him a pizza stone when we were living in our apartment in Hunters Creek and it started the obsession right then and there. Our fridge was constantly stocked with pizza dough and various toppings. After we realized how unhealthy it was... and after leaving the pizza stone in the oven multiple times and forgetting it was in there... we had to stop. I threw the stone away to prove a point.
Our biggest addiction.
COCA COLA.
We seriously had to make sure never to buy it because it would be gone in one day. When we lived with John's parents the cokes were always in abundance. It was never good. When we would diet sometimes I would sneak down to grab one when John wasn't looking. But, he always caught me because of how loud it is when the lid pops open. He would be like "you better not!!" So, we made a vow. Only drink soda when we are at the movie theaters. Ok, fair enough. Needless to say we went to the movies frequently. And got a large coke that you could refill. One straw. John would do this weird thing where he would bite the end of the straw so only a little liquid would come out. It drove me nuts. I would always reshape it and then he would just do it again. It was a constant battle. And he would always drink more and faster than me. So, when it came time to refill I would try to guilt him into doing it. It didn't always work.
Movie dates were fond memories. They were our escape days. But what were we possiby escaping? The stress of life? Little did I know then my life was cake. It couldn't have been more simple. And now.... it's extremely challenging and complicated.
And it can take a table set for one to make it clear.
To make the reality sink in once again.
That John won't be sitting across from me... or next to me... anymore (we had a tendency to sit next to each other in booths).
He won't be ordering a coke or a water or a gin and tonic.
I won't be cooking his favorite meals anymore... chicken and cheesy rice, taco salad, autumn chicken, stir fry, pizza bagels, ...
We won't share a straw or nibble off each other's food.
He won't be ordering a grande coffe with two extra shots of espresso from starbucks anymore.
I am ordering food for one.
I am cooking food for one.
I am eating alone.
In a booth. At a table. In a bar. In the car. In a plane. On the couch.
No conversations about calories and carbs with a slight mix of politics.
Just me. In silence.
Hearing myself chew and reminding myself of how it used to be.
When the table was set for two.
Monday, September 20, 2010
orbit
i find myself in constant need of movement.
to wander and wonder and to constantly give myself something to do.
i have never been able to just sit. as hard as I try. I have to move. sadly, many people are medicated for this these days. ADHD. ADD.
But, I don't think that's always the answer. I think they are like me. They find that their lives need to be in a constant motion. And in motion I have been for 26 years.
I am like a planet. spinning. never not turning on my axis.
now, this may start to get odd. sooo ... pardon me if this sounds off but here it goes.
I find humans a bit geocentric.
We feel as if we are the planet and everything else spins around us. each of us containing our own solar system. And we go on through like... spinning.. on our own perfect axis. planets rotations around our core. and then one day it hits us. we find that we are rotating around another planet. it's our sun. and we rotate around it pleasantly and freely.
John was my sun. Ironically, I was his.
And we do this dance... in our galaxy. Our own universe. A dance of two planets which could collide any minute but don't. The worlds not spin around us. And pretty soon we leave orbit and just go and move... straight forward. Through our universe. Together. It's at a full speed. Life tends to move light speed when you find the one who you want to spend the rest of your life with. And then, without notice there is an explosion. My star has died. When a star dies it has a chance of many fates. And it's death can be quite spectacular. John's life was the beginning of a star's death. Bright and glowing. And everyday growing. His death has turned into a black hole. And now I have stopped moving forward... without my sun to revolve around I am let rotating on axis around a black hole. Each day the hole brings me closer in. I have to make a choice. To revolve around the black hole and gradually fall into it... are start a new motion forward. I am spinning. I am spinning in circles. But my motion seems perfectly still. Yet I am orbiting.
That's what we do. We are orbiting spheres .. making it through the universe. Jumping from one solar system to the next. And once in awhile we collide.... unexpectantly.. with another planet or star. And John was my star. He was the brightest star in my sky. He gave light in the deepest of darkness. And now that his starlight has burnt out here on Earth...I still look for it's light to peak in from heaven.
I didn't really see John coming 6 years ago. I was looking for him. He wasn't looking for me. We found each other because we fell into each other's orbit. Because there was a natural attraction. An invisible force bringing us together. It was love.
I didn't see John's death coming. I had no preparation and had nothing to hold when the caticlismic event arrived. My beautiful star. My world and my universe. Has changed forever.
And then there are times where I too feel I might just burst.
Inside I hold a giant heap of love.
And I poured it all out daily to John.
With no where to direct all this love I feel like it just sits and builds up inside of me. I will burst.
Bright Star by: John Keats
Bright star, would I were stedfast as thou art--
Not in lone splendour hung aloft the night
And watching, with eternal lids apart,
Like nature's patient, sleepless Eremite,
The moving waters at their priestlike task
Of pure ablution round earth's human shores,
Or gazing on the new soft-fallen mask
Of snow upon the mountains and the moors--
No--yet still stedfast, still unchangeable,
Pillow'd upon my fair love's ripening breast,
To feel for ever its soft fall and swell,
Awake for ever in a sweet unrest,
Still, still to hear her tender-taken breath,
And so live ever--or else swoon to death.
Goodnight, John.
to wander and wonder and to constantly give myself something to do.
i have never been able to just sit. as hard as I try. I have to move. sadly, many people are medicated for this these days. ADHD. ADD.
But, I don't think that's always the answer. I think they are like me. They find that their lives need to be in a constant motion. And in motion I have been for 26 years.
I am like a planet. spinning. never not turning on my axis.
now, this may start to get odd. sooo ... pardon me if this sounds off but here it goes.
I find humans a bit geocentric.
We feel as if we are the planet and everything else spins around us. each of us containing our own solar system. And we go on through like... spinning.. on our own perfect axis. planets rotations around our core. and then one day it hits us. we find that we are rotating around another planet. it's our sun. and we rotate around it pleasantly and freely.
John was my sun. Ironically, I was his.
And we do this dance... in our galaxy. Our own universe. A dance of two planets which could collide any minute but don't. The worlds not spin around us. And pretty soon we leave orbit and just go and move... straight forward. Through our universe. Together. It's at a full speed. Life tends to move light speed when you find the one who you want to spend the rest of your life with. And then, without notice there is an explosion. My star has died. When a star dies it has a chance of many fates. And it's death can be quite spectacular. John's life was the beginning of a star's death. Bright and glowing. And everyday growing. His death has turned into a black hole. And now I have stopped moving forward... without my sun to revolve around I am let rotating on axis around a black hole. Each day the hole brings me closer in. I have to make a choice. To revolve around the black hole and gradually fall into it... are start a new motion forward. I am spinning. I am spinning in circles. But my motion seems perfectly still. Yet I am orbiting.
That's what we do. We are orbiting spheres .. making it through the universe. Jumping from one solar system to the next. And once in awhile we collide.... unexpectantly.. with another planet or star. And John was my star. He was the brightest star in my sky. He gave light in the deepest of darkness. And now that his starlight has burnt out here on Earth...I still look for it's light to peak in from heaven.
I didn't really see John coming 6 years ago. I was looking for him. He wasn't looking for me. We found each other because we fell into each other's orbit. Because there was a natural attraction. An invisible force bringing us together. It was love.
I didn't see John's death coming. I had no preparation and had nothing to hold when the caticlismic event arrived. My beautiful star. My world and my universe. Has changed forever.
And then there are times where I too feel I might just burst.
Inside I hold a giant heap of love.
And I poured it all out daily to John.
With no where to direct all this love I feel like it just sits and builds up inside of me. I will burst.
Bright Star by: John Keats
Bright star, would I were stedfast as thou art--
Not in lone splendour hung aloft the night
And watching, with eternal lids apart,
Like nature's patient, sleepless Eremite,
The moving waters at their priestlike task
Of pure ablution round earth's human shores,
Or gazing on the new soft-fallen mask
Of snow upon the mountains and the moors--
No--yet still stedfast, still unchangeable,
Pillow'd upon my fair love's ripening breast,
To feel for ever its soft fall and swell,
Awake for ever in a sweet unrest,
Still, still to hear her tender-taken breath,
And so live ever--or else swoon to death.
Goodnight, John.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
cough. cry. repeat.
I have a cold. it sucks.
I have been coughing so hard that my ribs are starting to hurt. hopefully i won't bruise/fracture them... which I have been known to do.
Today was the first full day that me and the girls have had in Orlando to take our first step into our new lives. We started with a meeting with Mike Parks.... which I found productive. Hopefully something good will come from it. We just got to make sure we stay on our toes.
Next was lunch. Which I didn't eat. My eating habits suck lately. Which is why it is weird to hear people say "you look good." Because I am literally losing weight from depression.
I guess this is the one good thing that comes out of it. As I have heard Star call it... "the widow diet."
Andi came over today. I missed her. I enjoyed her company. I could talk to her for HOURS. she gets me. and i get her. we understand the hell that each of us has to endure.. and we want to be there for each other. and we will be. for quite sometime.
Tonight we went to a movie with Allison Culbert. we also ate dinner.
i want to see my friends so badly but i have to cut back on things that cost money because I am literally dwindling down to nothing.
And it's only going to get worse. I got a hospital bill the other day on top of my car insurance. I paid off my car payment for the month.
then i came home and went into john's dad's room to chat. our chats go in circles. they all float around the topic that we both know is there. It's John. it's always John.
but john's dad said that I can't do this anymore. i can't come to the room and cry to him anymore. because he cant help me. i need someone professional. we are too weak for each other. i know he is sstruggling too. this isn't a battle of who is suffering more. i lost the love of my life. he lost his baby son. we are stuck in the same ocean. dividing in different boats.
i must have said sorry to john's dad 5 times. who knows why. what do I have to be sorry for? i feel sorry that when we see each other... we make each other feel worse because we see john in each other. besides the whole house being a reminder of john... I am a walking reminder of him. what is future had to hold. could of. would have.
fucking should have.
I felt punched in the stomach when John's dad told me to stop crying and we have to start moving on. I felt like this can't be happening. I am falling behind. everyone else is moving faster. everyone wants to feel better. i want to feel better too. i really do.
john used to make me feel good. he would know the right words. he would take care of me. thats what we did for each other.
for instance: this cold.
he would have been taking care of me every step of the way. and bickering at me at my excessive coughing that keeps him awake at night and hurts my ribs.
I am glad the girls are here. it was nice to have them in the room after i spoke when johns dad. they let me go to the bathroom and cry. heave and vomit in the toilet. and go to the closet to cry some more.
then when I was ready. they were there. to hug me. to rub my back and my feet and my hands and grab me water and make tea.
I love them. I know what I am getting into here. I know it won't be perfect. We'll fight and bitch and have our moments. But those moments will be nothing compared to the great ones we have. the laughter and inside jokes and staying up watching our favorite movies.
today walking into a deli a woman pointed out that we had the same purse. She then eyed all three of us walking in together and was like "OH MY GOD!!! YOU ARE TRIPLETS?!"
We all three just said yes.
She totally believed us.
It was like the second time this has happened. and we will be saying yes from now on. I was always their triplet anyway. Might as well just go with the flow here.
Tomorrow I am going over my FCAT scores for my TIF grant.
I am praying my students did well so I can get my incentive check. An extra $4,000 would really help out a lot with this whole transition period in my life.
Tomorrow I need to cross things off my list. I think I only checked off one thing. That isn't good enough and that isnt like me. SO. tomorrow my goal is three things off the list.
- pay bills
- get internet fixed upstairs
- do laundry
I will get this done.
I WILL.
between FCAT shit and looking at two possible places to live with the twins.
Lorien,
I got your gift today. Thank you so much. It meant a lot to me.
Your card will go with all the ones I have collected. I need a nice box to place them in. The journal is next to my bed. i will use it for when I need to write down dreams quickly.
Andrea and Kelly:
thanks for being here with me. thanks for holding my hand and taking those first steps with me into OUR new lives. God has a plan. We can do this together.
to everyone else:
please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. i want to be strong. but i can't do it alone.
i will be resilient. I will do what it takes. to keep John's memories alive. his positive ones. the ones that I know will make me smile and not cry. ok, they will.
john memory of the night:
Today I was getting ice cream and your have your options for toppings. I could pick out John's right away. I stared at them. Reeses pieces. HE LOVED REESES PIECES. and if those were unavailable it would be chunks of peanut butter cups. sometimes he would mix it up. pieces of brownie. heath bar. snickers.
but if he could pick something first. reeses pieces.
I have been coughing so hard that my ribs are starting to hurt. hopefully i won't bruise/fracture them... which I have been known to do.
Today was the first full day that me and the girls have had in Orlando to take our first step into our new lives. We started with a meeting with Mike Parks.... which I found productive. Hopefully something good will come from it. We just got to make sure we stay on our toes.
Next was lunch. Which I didn't eat. My eating habits suck lately. Which is why it is weird to hear people say "you look good." Because I am literally losing weight from depression.
I guess this is the one good thing that comes out of it. As I have heard Star call it... "the widow diet."
Andi came over today. I missed her. I enjoyed her company. I could talk to her for HOURS. she gets me. and i get her. we understand the hell that each of us has to endure.. and we want to be there for each other. and we will be. for quite sometime.
Tonight we went to a movie with Allison Culbert. we also ate dinner.
i want to see my friends so badly but i have to cut back on things that cost money because I am literally dwindling down to nothing.
And it's only going to get worse. I got a hospital bill the other day on top of my car insurance. I paid off my car payment for the month.
then i came home and went into john's dad's room to chat. our chats go in circles. they all float around the topic that we both know is there. It's John. it's always John.
but john's dad said that I can't do this anymore. i can't come to the room and cry to him anymore. because he cant help me. i need someone professional. we are too weak for each other. i know he is sstruggling too. this isn't a battle of who is suffering more. i lost the love of my life. he lost his baby son. we are stuck in the same ocean. dividing in different boats.
i must have said sorry to john's dad 5 times. who knows why. what do I have to be sorry for? i feel sorry that when we see each other... we make each other feel worse because we see john in each other. besides the whole house being a reminder of john... I am a walking reminder of him. what is future had to hold. could of. would have.
fucking should have.
I felt punched in the stomach when John's dad told me to stop crying and we have to start moving on. I felt like this can't be happening. I am falling behind. everyone else is moving faster. everyone wants to feel better. i want to feel better too. i really do.
john used to make me feel good. he would know the right words. he would take care of me. thats what we did for each other.
for instance: this cold.
he would have been taking care of me every step of the way. and bickering at me at my excessive coughing that keeps him awake at night and hurts my ribs.
I am glad the girls are here. it was nice to have them in the room after i spoke when johns dad. they let me go to the bathroom and cry. heave and vomit in the toilet. and go to the closet to cry some more.
then when I was ready. they were there. to hug me. to rub my back and my feet and my hands and grab me water and make tea.
I love them. I know what I am getting into here. I know it won't be perfect. We'll fight and bitch and have our moments. But those moments will be nothing compared to the great ones we have. the laughter and inside jokes and staying up watching our favorite movies.
today walking into a deli a woman pointed out that we had the same purse. She then eyed all three of us walking in together and was like "OH MY GOD!!! YOU ARE TRIPLETS?!"
We all three just said yes.
She totally believed us.
It was like the second time this has happened. and we will be saying yes from now on. I was always their triplet anyway. Might as well just go with the flow here.
Tomorrow I am going over my FCAT scores for my TIF grant.
I am praying my students did well so I can get my incentive check. An extra $4,000 would really help out a lot with this whole transition period in my life.
Tomorrow I need to cross things off my list. I think I only checked off one thing. That isn't good enough and that isnt like me. SO. tomorrow my goal is three things off the list.
- pay bills
- get internet fixed upstairs
- do laundry
I will get this done.
I WILL.
between FCAT shit and looking at two possible places to live with the twins.
Lorien,
I got your gift today. Thank you so much. It meant a lot to me.
Your card will go with all the ones I have collected. I need a nice box to place them in. The journal is next to my bed. i will use it for when I need to write down dreams quickly.
Andrea and Kelly:
thanks for being here with me. thanks for holding my hand and taking those first steps with me into OUR new lives. God has a plan. We can do this together.
to everyone else:
please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. i want to be strong. but i can't do it alone.
i will be resilient. I will do what it takes. to keep John's memories alive. his positive ones. the ones that I know will make me smile and not cry. ok, they will.
john memory of the night:
Today I was getting ice cream and your have your options for toppings. I could pick out John's right away. I stared at them. Reeses pieces. HE LOVED REESES PIECES. and if those were unavailable it would be chunks of peanut butter cups. sometimes he would mix it up. pieces of brownie. heath bar. snickers.
but if he could pick something first. reeses pieces.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
1 month
I have been without the love of my life for one month.
This is the worst type of anniversary anyone could ask for. No longer will I be counting down the days until a wedding, or a birthday, or an anniversary...
everything revolves around when John died.
38 days since I have kissed his face and held his hand and cuddled in the bed with him. I don't think we have ever gone this long apart before. Maybe in drum corps... but barely. At least we got to see each other at shows.
I remember those days and how I hated them. I hated how we marched different corps. I hated how the schedules never seemed to line up. How was it possible out of the 40 shows I did I would only see John 5 times?!
The nights we had together we took full advantage of. We each gave our after show "jobs" to some helpful member (who we would re-pay later by doing the same for them) and undress/dress as fast as possible and run to each other. We would run off to a remote area and spend time together away from the chaos of snare players practicing, color guard yelling out count numbers, and food trucks grumbling.
It was our time for each other. And had to cherish every second.
And I could handle that small time apart because I knew the reward in the end. I got to see him again. Not to mention the hot bodies we had at the end of summer.
But each day I have to move forward telling myself "I will see John again." But this isn't 30 days... this isn't at the next show...
this is a big question mark.
When will I see him again? I do not know. Only God will decide that factor. And I am not saying I am ready to leave this Earth. Of course I have thought about it daily. I think about how if having to die.... at least I know the person I am madly in love with would be waiting for me.
I just don't quite understand the purpose in this really. Everyday I wake up. Yes, everyday.... still is disbelief. This hasn't happened.
John was taken from me. Literally taken.
This rare heart condition. Something rare and undetectable... took him.
God took him.
And I still don't know why.
And the pain I go through daily is sometimes unbareable. People continue to live their lives... thankful it wasn't them... and I writhe in pain just thinking of how empty my life has become. Without John's warmth and laughter, and love and light.
I made it through 1 month. It was the longest month of my life.
I had many people to thank for getting me there, though. They held my hand. I hope they continue to hold my hand as I push towards the second month.
But I wish I could wrap my arms around John today and just say "wow, this month sucked without you... lets not do that again, ok?"
This is the worst type of anniversary anyone could ask for. No longer will I be counting down the days until a wedding, or a birthday, or an anniversary...
everything revolves around when John died.
38 days since I have kissed his face and held his hand and cuddled in the bed with him. I don't think we have ever gone this long apart before. Maybe in drum corps... but barely. At least we got to see each other at shows.
I remember those days and how I hated them. I hated how we marched different corps. I hated how the schedules never seemed to line up. How was it possible out of the 40 shows I did I would only see John 5 times?!
The nights we had together we took full advantage of. We each gave our after show "jobs" to some helpful member (who we would re-pay later by doing the same for them) and undress/dress as fast as possible and run to each other. We would run off to a remote area and spend time together away from the chaos of snare players practicing, color guard yelling out count numbers, and food trucks grumbling.
It was our time for each other. And had to cherish every second.
And I could handle that small time apart because I knew the reward in the end. I got to see him again. Not to mention the hot bodies we had at the end of summer.
But each day I have to move forward telling myself "I will see John again." But this isn't 30 days... this isn't at the next show...
this is a big question mark.
When will I see him again? I do not know. Only God will decide that factor. And I am not saying I am ready to leave this Earth. Of course I have thought about it daily. I think about how if having to die.... at least I know the person I am madly in love with would be waiting for me.
I just don't quite understand the purpose in this really. Everyday I wake up. Yes, everyday.... still is disbelief. This hasn't happened.
John was taken from me. Literally taken.
This rare heart condition. Something rare and undetectable... took him.
God took him.
And I still don't know why.
And the pain I go through daily is sometimes unbareable. People continue to live their lives... thankful it wasn't them... and I writhe in pain just thinking of how empty my life has become. Without John's warmth and laughter, and love and light.
I made it through 1 month. It was the longest month of my life.
I had many people to thank for getting me there, though. They held my hand. I hope they continue to hold my hand as I push towards the second month.
But I wish I could wrap my arms around John today and just say "wow, this month sucked without you... lets not do that again, ok?"
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