Sometimes I feel bad for my friends and family.
Mainly because no matter how hard they try there is nothing they can do to "fix" me. I know the first person to do so would be my dad. I know when he sees me upset about John it breaks his heart. As much as he tries to hide it I can see it in his face and hear it in his voice while I cry over the phone.
Even though I know that many feel for me... I can't help but feel like my sadness is only exhausting for others to deal with. I know for me personally, I always want to be the one to solve things right away. I want to make someone happy and I want an imediate response. Besides, it's what makes others happy too. But, this just can't happen right now. And how bad I feel when I make others feel like they can't help me. When people send me cards or flowers or call me and invite me to dinner to take me out I do the best I can to have a good time and find my moments of joy. These small joy moments are what keep me alive. They keep me stepping forward.... which I believe has started to happen. I feel I may have started to take tiny baby steps. In what direction? I have no idea. But... I feel them.
I just want people to know that I can't be fixed right now.
But, I can have joy moments.
And there's a small fear that lingers inside of me that feels as though I may push friends and family away from me because I am too much of a project for them. I am high maitenance. I agree. I have issues to deal with daily. I have internal battles going on each moment. I have moments of laughing that can immediately turn into tears. I am unpredictable and complicated. I am an extraordinary machine.
And I really do want to start working on myself.
I want to take what life handed me and start to work on it.
Even though I think it was the most unfair of hands dealt... now I have to live with it. And the only other way out is to not live. Which is not an option for me.
I have started looking up a new psychologist. Talking to someone who's professionally trained for my struggles will be good for me. I have started making new friendships and re-kindling old ones. One positive thing John's death brought to me was the kinship of a group of women who hurt like me... and who understand this hard road I am now following. Most are ahead of me on the road and understand each and every crossroad I may come across. It is these amazing group of women who have really been my inspiration to keep going. They show me that there is something to live forward in the future. Life may not always be the same... but it's worth living for.
I want to lose weight.
Having John's death as an excuse just won't do anymore.
I am unhealthy and I purposely avoid weighing on my Wii Fit... for two reasons.
1) when I log on John's character is there too... standing next to me. Sometimes the machine asks where he is. What can you tell a stupid robot? Yet I refuse to remove his character. Because John made it... and John's results on there. Another sign that he lived in my life.
2) I don't think I will like the number that I see.
From what I see in the mirror and by the clues given to me by my buttons hanging on for dear life on my pants... is that I have gained serious weight since April. I must have lost about 10 lbs the first month but once I had an appetite again all I wanted to do was eat. Eat anything I wanted because after all "I deserved it." And who the hell did I have to impress?
So, I am going to start changing my eating habits.
I am giving up coke and giving into water.... as much as possible.
I am going to cook in more and eat more fresh meals.
I want to eat more proteins and vegetables and less carbs and dairy.
I want to go down a couple sizes before Tim and Lisa's wedding. I refuse to show up as the fat, sad widow. Although that's what it will feel like no matter what.
I wish I had motivation to wake up super early in the morning an work out. But I can hardly wake up to make it on time to school. So, morning is not an option. It would have to be after schoool.... and even the thought of that makes me want to cry. A healthy lifestyle is time consuming and exhausting. i wish Diana were here to inspire me. which she does anyway. Diana and I started Medi weight loss last Jan together and she has gone down like 4 pant sizes. And she looks awesome. I dropped the ball somewhere and ended up losing almost 10 lbs... and then D-day came and it was bye-bye logic or reason. But to add on top of my consuming grief... the dissapointment and depression of feeling like a complete fat ass., It's just not a good combination. At all.
Oh, and can I just talk about how much I miss John being here to do things for me like help me take in the groceries or take out the trash or even the stupid things like change an air filter or do an oil check. We became so familiar with those routines.... John scooped the cat litter and I cooked dinner. John loaded the dishwasher and I unloaded it. John took out the trash and I just watched him look cute doing it.
Anyway, Lunesta is taking it's toll.
P.S. IT'S THE WORST TASTING MEDICINE EVER. you get this awful aftertaste the next day for almost the whole day. the medicine works charms I just wish that it didn't taste like I ate a punch of pennies while I was sleeping.
Oh and just because....
the gators lost this weekend.
and the heavens rejoiced. I know john played the loudest bass drum ever in heaven.
and here was a fellow tribute by me circa 2006