I woke up this morning normal. Ya know... running late. Because I can't ever hear my alarm or I guess I turn it out without remembering. fuck.
Then as I was checking the time... I saw it.
It's October 1st.
Is it really already October 1st? This can't already be October.
Suddently I was sulking. I drove in the car contemplating where my life would be if John were still here. We would be in our final preparations of wedding planning. And by the end of the month I would be Mrs. Autumn Seay.
So, I guess you can say I just sort of set myself up for a bad day/month already.
But, I really did try and make it through today normally. As I do every day. Normal. Keeping my head above the water so I don't drown.
School was good. I love my job and I love my co-worker.
And after school I went to pick up some birthday balloons for my friend Star. So many in fact I couldn't see out of my window.
As I drove home and got off the 408 I took an exit and then next thing you know I hear a cop siren behind me. He was telling me to pull over. This seriously can't be happening. I was getting a fucking ticket. I had no idea where to pull over since there wasn't really a shoulder on the side of the road so I pulled into a driveway to some house. The moment the officer got to my window he was completely and udderly RUDE. Is this what I need today?! First of all he got on to me by saying "why would you pull into a driveway and not just to the side of the road?"
Like, was he serious??? Is there some rule about this that I don't know about? Shouldn't he be happy he wasn't in danger by me pulling to the side of the road where he could be hit? I was flabbergasted.
Apparently I was going 10 over the speed limit. But he was sooooo "generous" he put it to 9 over to bring my ticket cost down.
And when he walked away to check my license and insurance I started to tear up. I contemplated pulling the widow card. But how could that even be possible? He was totally over me the moment he pulled me over. And how inappropriate of me to just be like "um, you don't understand officer... I lost my fiance in April and we were supposed to get married this month....which explains my speeding." In honesty I was thinking about John the whole drive home. But the ticket was my fault. I was speeding. But the last thing I needed was a rude cop who actually threatened me "if you take this to court I will bring it up to the original speed." What?? Wrong. You won't. And just because you said that makes me want to take it to court.
After my ticket I cried all the way home... hard.
It wasn't just about the ticket anymore.
Because I am a ticking time bomb. It all it took was a ticket to light the fuse.
And I exploded.
It went from pissed off about a ticket to pissed off I went home alone and John wasn't there to comfort me... to sad because John wasn't there at all anymore. To depressed. My life was dark again. It took one ticket to set it off. And the month of October.
So I did what I always do when I get a speeding ticket
I called daddy.
Except he could barely understand me because I was crying so hard. And it wasn't just about the ticket. It was about John.
And my dad, being who he is... doesn't always do emotional.
It's hard for him to listen to me cry. I know it kills him inside because there is NOTHING he can do to make it better. And as a dad... that's his job. To make me happy. Then he said something that no one, especially a dad, has the right to say to me... he said "Autumn, I am just being honest here but you are going to have to get over it."
I know it didn't really mean it. Because I swore I heard a quiver in his voice. But it still hurt. This is my dad. He should be more understanding...he should be sympathetic... but I knew inside this wasn't what he meant.
So after I hung up my dad texted me...
"I love you kiddo."
I replied "I know. But you can't just tell me to get over it, dad."
He said "I know" back to me.
Then I asked "Are you over it?"
"No" says dad.
And there you have it.
October has started out a bitch already. I am going to do all I can to not force myself into a predetermined destinty here. I don't want to make it worse by expecting it to be worse. But, I hate it already. If this is what the fall is going to be like please wake me up in 2011.