2014 and the stories it will tell

A friend once wrote to me:

"I long for the day when you no longer write in your blog because that will mean you are fully healed.."

Touche.

Alas, I do not blog as much as I used to... but sometimes I feel the need to.
And tonight is one of those nights.
It's not a reflection of my healing process. It is just something that I want to do.


It is now 2014. And that is unbelievable.
In 86 days I will be marrying Ryan and I am super thrilled about it.
I am also super cautious.
I feel that if I over celebrate the occasion that something bad will happen... but I really do feel like this is going to finally be happening for me. I get to marry a great guy and start my life as a wife. I am so thankful God has given me this opportunity to love again. And I have to say I am proud of myself for not giving up.
I gave life and love a second chance and it was worth the risk.

As we enter into new years everyone feels the urge to set resolutions. With Facebook being such a staple in everyone's lives we also feel the urge to share these with others. Whether to have some accountability or to just excessively brag about the BIG EXCITING things that make us so awesomely awesome. (there's sarcasm, behold!)

I think deciding to wait until January 1st to start making changes is a little bullshit... but if you need to set a goal for that date it's better then never at all.. so whatever. I actually started mine earlier. I started them as soon as they came up in my head (because why wait?) and then Ryan asked me to share some for the new year and I was like... "crap. um. uh..."
Get married? Isn't that a big resolution? Change my last name and start working on a family, yes? But there's so much more... and I will now share with you my RAW version of my resolutions for 2014. (p.s. these are very hard. and i don't know if most of them will be successful... but I won't facebook sugar coat things for you like everyone else)

Ok... lets start with this whole marriage thing :)
I want to be a good bride. i don't want to yell at my bridesmaids or make ridiculous requests... i want to avoid bridezilla completely. i want to be pleasant and sweet. i want to relax on my wedding day and let people in charge take control.
I want to be a good wife.
i want to accept that I am going to be able to marry Ryan and we have a chance to create our own happily ever after and that the people around us are supportive.
And if for some reason there are people who aren't supportive they have to go.
because they aren't worth my time.
speaking of that... i want to resolve to stop waiting for others to re-build bridges with me. if others chose to stop staying connected to me for some reason (especially those who stopped talking to me after John died) then I have to move on and not wait for them.
I am in no way burning the bridge. I just will move on from it completely.
Your move, by the way... those of you who have slipped away silently in the shadows.

I want to focus on those who care about me.
I want to give attention to those who have supported me and who still support me day to day. The real friends who never gave up on me... even though I am a crazy roller coaster of emotions girl.
The friends who are honest with me. The friends who realize that I am more than what my bitchy features might have you feel I am. ha.
I want to be a better friend. I want to call people more often, i want to physically write letters and i want to make an effort to visit friends more often.

I want to stop envying what other people have. (and realize most of it is just others trying to show off on facebook).
I want to dig deep inside of myself whenever i start feeling bad for things i do not have and remind myself of what i do have.
remind myself how shitty i felt in 2010 and how i begged for the life i have now.
and how i got it.
and how even without trips to bowl games, or the ability to get promotions, or fantastical "2 year plans" , or being pregnant, or extravagant weddings, or crazy expensive yearly trips around the world, or having my wedding completely paid for, or raises, or new houses, etc. etc. ... that I am ALIVE and breathing and in love!!! I am somewhere I did not think I would ever be at again.
And even though I am now officially in debt from this wedding... I get to have a wedding. And I don't mind paying off credit cards for an event with all my favorite people that ISN'T a funeral.

I want to not let facebook determine my happiness or success in life.
i want to use it to keep in touch with friends and family and loved ones and not seek out things that are going to make me sad or mad.
and if people aren't good for me then they need to go.
(already started this process)

i want to love myself by taking care of myself.
that means eating right and being active.
not thinking of being on a "diet."

I want to continue to build back my relationship with God... cause lets be honest. Things got rocky when I lost John.
And even though at this point being a Christian isn't so popular I want to stand up for my faith, attend a church and pray.
I want to pray even when I am not asking for something. I want to pray just to say thank you. And I want to pray for others.

I want to enjoy life while I am young. And realize I STILL AM YOUNG. (despite what the number of candles tell me).
I want to tell people to shut up when they say I have plenty of time to travel when i am older (because we all have learned a lesson from this blog... and that is "you never know...") and if I want to hop on a plane and go somewhere I will.
Because why not?


And I want to smile more.
The world could use more smiles.
The world could use more pleasant people and positivity.
I need to be that light.
And I don't need a date on a calendar to tell me when to start.

What the world needs is ... a baby ;)

I am excited about the royal baby's eventual presence in the near future.


I am looking forward to some GOOD news for ONCE on TV.

News that won't give me anxiety for once.
News that isn't about riots, or drug overdoses, or murder, or airplane crashes.
Just the celebration of life :)
And that makes me happy.

People lined up outside the hospital waiting for the birth of the royal baby...

Maybe it's because I am also in a pretty big baby mood too.
WOAH.
Hold your horses and your judgements, please.
I am not trying to have a baby nor am I quite ready to have one at this stage in my life... but when all of my friends seem to be popping out babies left and right and when the world is anxiously awaiting the birth of one as well...
it's just on your mind.
And I am a 29 year old woman.
I am allowed to have these feelings.
And I am VERY aware of the fact I am not even engaged and to have these feelings might not be "valid."
But they are.
I have been in this waiting line for quite sometime.

And yes, I am getting antsy to be engaged.
And I know I harass Ryan about it too much and I am working on just letting it go... and trust he has a plan.
But I can't help but wonder...

where's my big news? :)

I'm happy that you're happy

It has come to my attention lately that people are still confused on how they should act around me with certain situations.
I guess I am partly to blame. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve (seriously, I have a freakin' public blog, people).
I don't always make it easy.
And I can't say that I don't get emotional when I have 3-4 wedding invitations hanging on my fridge at all times.
Or when I see ANOTHER ultrasound posted on facebook.
Or watching friend's statuses change from "In a Relationship" to "Engaged."
BUT.

BUT!!!!

I AM HAPPY YOU ARE HAPPY!!!!!

I, Autumn, do still have the ability to be excited when my friends have life changing moments. And I will ALWAYS be supportive of these moments... whether you are scared to tell me or not.

You are buying a house?
Great! When am I helping you move? What tips can you offer a girl currently seeking to buy her first home as well? Where is the guest room I am staying in? What's for dinner?

You are engaged?
Congrats! So.... when's the date? What's your colors? How did they propose? Am I invited? (of course i am...) Oh, you want me to be a BRIDESMAID? Oh you were nervous to ask that? (stop it. don't be. I can plan one awesome party for you!) You need someone to help you go pick out dresses? done!!!

You are pregnant?
OMG! I love little babies!!!!Did you know there was a moment in my life where I considered being a midwife? Oh, and I want to be doula trained. Oh, you didn't know? You were too afraid to tell me because you thought I would be upset?


I am sorry if I have ever made anyone feel uncomfortable to tell me the happy times in your life. Instead, I do often feel people are more comfortable to share the sad times in their life. No one can live with all of that.
I need the happy moments.
I want to be happy for you.
So, please let me.

Now.
There's a line that can be crossed.
Do I really to discuss these?
I don't, right?
There's a time to celebrate.
And then there's a time to give it a rest.

DO NOT FLAUNT.
There is a line (and it's not fine) between celebrating and flaunting.
Be smart.
Think it through.
I am not the ONLY person that gets bothered by this. Everyone wants happiness. Everyone is going after their own happiness. So, allow those people to share that and don't dominate every discussion with you you you you.



Friends, I want you to be happy.
What kind of person wouldn't want that?
Hopefully not someone that I am friends with.
Because then I need to get rid of them.
And if people are still my friend by now then they may just realize that I am actually a pretty supportive person... even with all of the shit that has been handed to me. I do the best I can to make sure everyone is achieving their upmost happiness.
And when I have happy moments I want you to celebrate with me too.

I am happy... that you're happy, friend.


xoxo

ready, set, goal.

I read a facebook status today that said "my life could be a lifetime movie.."

oh man, the days I have thought that thought.

the days i still think that thought.

and as my life moves forward.. i feel like the movie-like circumstances continue to unfurl.

a drama. definitely a drama.

or a romantic comedy?

one of those for sure.

but then there are these days... where i feel like.. my life isn't such.

it isn't the story that one would want to grab at Barnes and Nobles or spend $10 to see at the movie theater.

I mean yes, what happened with John was completely tragic and out of the blue and we have a love story that rivals The Notebook any day. And yes, I have found love again. True love again. A love I had thought would NEVER come my way EVER again. ever.

and he's such a great guy.

and we have a great love story.

and i have had so many obstacles come my way... through losing friends and family, losing my job, dealing with suicides and murders, divorced parents, an absent mother, a unique family dynamic, etc.

but I still feel like maybe this is just another story.

and that even though I have been through all of these things... if i died today... would I actually be remembered in years to come? would my story be remembered? what do I have to give and leave behind? what will my legacy be?

i was in a downward dog pose today doing deep thinking. (isn't this where everyone does their deep thinking?)

and then the thinking continued you in the shower... (where a lot of my deep thinking usually occurs. )

what can i do to make a difference? to push myself? to be recognized? to feel accomplishment??

then i watched the Biggest Loser.

and if you ever want to be motivated... watch the final episodes of that show. and i watch these people with tears in their eyes and joy on their faces when they see these numbers pop up on a screen which represent pounds of unhappiness shedding from their body.

and then one girl cries out "i'm not just happy about losing the weight. i'm happy because i finally finished something i started for once in my life..."

and my light bulb popped on.

...all day i couldn't really place my finger on why i was so discontent.

and then that was it.

unfinished business.

my life still has soooo much purpose to it. there is still so much i want to do.

no, im not 100% sure what i am doing in every direction in my life but i know that i need to start picking paths now and start following them through. if i am not able to find a teaching job by August then i need to follow a new path. i need to go back to school or i need to choose a different career... even if just for a year. i need to start a diet and exercise routine that is going to work for me and that i won't fall away from. i need to set goals for my weight and stick to them. and then i need to follow through and reach that weight goal. (thank you Diana for being the motivation for this).

and i think a big part of this unaccomplished feeling stems from loving John for so long. and finally getting the chance to prepare a marriage and then having that stripped from me. that i still own an engagement ring but no wedding to follow. that i know for sure that when i eventually marry, and I can already say in confidence i want Ryan, that i will be accomplishing one of the biggest goals i have ever had... and the longest. since i was a little girl.

i just feel that having so many lose ends in my life makes me feel like i haven't done anything worthwhile. i have too many hopes and dreams and i need to start making bigger steps to make them happen. if i want to travel the world (like i know i do)... then i need to start looking into jobs that give the finances for that. if i want to not live in apartments my whole life then i need to start saving money and putting it towards a future down payment on a house. if i know that orlando makes me kind of miserable then i need to start setting my eyes on places where i will be happier.

it's all about setting goals.

and then actually achieving them.

always the bridesmaid. never the bride.

there are 5 wedding invitations on my fridge.

despite the title of this entry... i am not a bridesmaid for any of them.

in my mind, the twisted mind that i now obtain, i have a feeling that no one would want me to be in their wedding. out of pity. or fear. that they might hurt my feelings.

but at least I am being invited.

it's still odd though... the decorated pieces of paper. with their floral patterns and solid colors. RSVP dates and cursive writing.

that i have never got to create my own.

but yet, there is still evidence i was there.

i still wear my ring.

i asked ryan about it and he thinks that's it's ok. (did i mention how awesome he is?). it stays on my right hand... the evidence of where i once was. engaged. planning a marriage.

and it wasn't to be.

and here i am... attending all the weddings of everyone who will never have to experience what I did. they made it. they have obtained their dreams. my dream.

my roommate got engaged to her boyfriend the other day.

after dating for about 4 months... they are engaged. like that.

it's times like these where i am like, "seriously???"

So, this is Christmas?

In the past I have had dreams where it is the day before Christmas and I hadn't bought a single gift for anyone. I struggled to go out and find things and ended up getting nothing by the time the holiday rolled around. Apparently, this is a fear of mine.

But this year.... I am living the dream.

Christmas is only a couple days away and I am no way prepared for it. Any gifts I have bought have been totally sporadic. I had told myself ahead of time that I wasn't going to worry about Christmas at all this year. That I didn't want annything because I wasn't going to get anything for anyone else. Alas, I lied. But, I don't have a list this year (we all know how much I love lists) and I didn't really make it a goal to get everyone a gift. It's not me being rude or thoughtless. I am just going with the flow. If I hop into a store and something strikes me... I will get it for someone and be done with it. But, I don't make it a mission this year to go out and get everyone their specific things. To just lay it out plain and simple: Christmas this year blows.

It has definitely lost it's magic. It's spirit. Whatever.

My first holiday season as a widow is exactly the way other widows before me have described it. Awful.

It doesn't mean I am not enjoying the company of my family and friends. It doesn't mean I dont crave the traditions or the shopping. It just means that I have to try extra hard to be in that spirit. And I have to say I have done a pretty damn good job. I have kept together nicely... and I save most of my breakdowns for times when I am alone.

I just won't mind when this Christmas passes.

I will gladly wave 2010 goodbye...

and pray and hope that 2011 will show some grace.

Today I took a really long nap.

I had ANOTHER John dream. So far I have had John dreams everytime I have slept so far here in NC. But, there was something different about this one. He wasn't leaving me. Most of my John dreams consist of John letting go of me... either he is dying or breaking up with me. It's like my brain is re-hashing it all over and over. But, in this dream... we danced. He looked great! I was completely happy. It really had a happy ending. And when I woke up I contemplated reality. It takes about 5 minutes for my thoughts to adjust. No, John isn't there. Yes, that was just a dream. Yes, that really sucked. No, I can't go back to sleep to see him again.

John lives in my dreams. He is created nightly by my mind. He is no longer a thing to be seen or touched... only imagined and remembered. How odd is that?

And his memories are all around... even here. All the girls (my nieces) have pictures of John in their room. There is this one in Kalee's room that is my absolute favorite. It's of her and John on a carousel in Universal. They are both smiling. She framed it. It makes me smile... and sometimes sad.

Outside is John's apple tree. It looks soo pathetic right now. It looks dead to be honest. But, I am hoping that it's just the winter appearance it has taken on. Apparently it blooms every spring and produces apples. (ok, like 2. the size of golf balls)

Brielle is laying with Xander (bloodhound) next to the fireplace. They are asleep. John and Zion used to sleep next to the fireplace together. I always thought it was so sweet... so cute... so typical of John to fall asleep there. He could sleep anywhere, actually.

I guess I still can't believe this is Christmas.

I made to Christmas? Without John? How was this possible?

Today is 8 months.

I am completely still in love with John.

Every ounce of my being still misses him.

He should be here. It's Christmas. It's family time. He was my family. He was going to be my husband. We should have been hanging our "first christmas" ornament together on the tree. We should have been buying our monogrammed "S" towels and talking about 2011... and trying for a baby!!

I hate that this widow experience has ruined things for me... like Christmas... like weddings... like parties and social events...

this isn't me. but it is. now.

End of October

Only a few more hours left of October.
Thank goodness.
Farewell October.

I mean, it wasn't as bad as I thought... but I just think it was lingering a bit.
Now it's time to take on November. A whole new month will a whole new set of emotions. The holidays are arriving. They are sneaking up... and I am trying to hold my ground. I won't let myself get out of control. I just made it through Oct. 30th. I can do this.

I just took my relationship status off Facebook. I know, weird huh? Like that is the biggest deal in my life right now? a status on a social network site? oh my goodness where has my life come to. But, I guess to me... it was a step. Another small step. Ya know facebook has a "widowed" status now. But I wasn't ready to put that one up... I wonder what icon shows up for that one. like when you go from a relationship to single it shows a broken heart (rude). Does the widow one have like a black, broken heart. or a tombstone with a heart on it?
As you may know....
I was supposed to get married this weekend.
Many people remembered me this weekend.
Many sent messages.
Many sent texts.
And I appreciated it all. It was so nice to be remembered. The whole odd part about it is... they should have been at my wedding. Saying their congrats to me and wishing me well as me and John went on our way to our honeymoon.
But here I am.
Not married. With an engagement ring still on my finger. And watching TV alone with my cat on the couch.

I stressed so much earlier on with what I was going to do this important weekend. I just eventually gave up on trying to think about it or plan. And just let it come and pass and I would get through it. Luckily, I was surronded by great people to help out.
I went to St. Petersburg.
I went to dinner.
I saw Jack Ass 3-D.
I played beer pong.
I held a tarantula and it sunk it's fangs into my hands.
I learned how to shoot a gun.
I watched lots of movies and chilled out.
I hugged and kissed a beluga whale.
I walked an emu.
I played with a bobcat.
I hugged baby kangaroos.

And there you have it.
How I spent my wedding weekend.
Not exactly what I thought my wedding weekend would have been.
I know that I would have been surronded by all the people I love and becoming John's wife. I would be dancing to our song... throwing a bouquet and hoping my best friend caught it. I would be giggling and laughing and swirling around the room in my gown. I would be eating a beautiful cake and John would be slicing into his bass drum cake. We would be hearing John's brothers make a toaste and my sister in law and Evan make a toast as well. I am sure I would have been crying. Because my happiest of happiest days had arrived.

But. Life threw me a curve ball. It sent me whirling in a new direction. And each baby step I take to get through this is good enough for now. Because I am making it through. I just survived October.

Halloween

I didn’t start celebrating Halloween until I was in college… I know, a lot of catching up to do.

My first Halloween celebrations started in Cawthon... decorating the hallway with giant spiders and cobwebs and making scary haunted houses for local children to be scarred for life by.

And when Andrea, me and Kelly threw our first big Halloween party at our house on Chapel Hill in Tallassee… we wanted it to be spectacular. And it turned out to be an amazing party. Minus the dry ice that Andrea and Kelly put in the freezer and it magically disappeared. Lol. It was to be used for our famous “witches brew.” That was the year I decided to be a sexy candy corn witch. And I have to admit I looked cute. And this was the beginning of John’s obsession with the banana costume. The previous years he has been in a scream costume with the bass line as well as a dinosaur. Did I mention Dr. Dunnigan had strict rules about costumes at practice on Halloween? That would be my John. Big 8 humor. Not following rules. Gotta love them….
So, sexy witch and banana man. Which was cool… until John decided to be the banana for the next 4 years… I remember we had a bonfire the first year and the costume was still stained with ash and soot from the fire. But, he kept wearing it. There was a time I as tempted to throw it away (kind of like what I did with any of his sandals or shoes that started to smell really bad). But, I kept it. And then at one party John tried to go to the bathroom with the costume on and accidently peed on it. And that was the end of that.
We did switch it up one time. John used his famous dinosaur costume… which he borrowed from his dad. I remember taking a picture of him with my cell phone when he showed up to chiefs practice with it once. I don’t even know if we were dating then but it was definitely a “no-no” in chiefs. No costumes to practice. Lame, I know.
Our final Halloween together was last year. John came as the Count from Sesame Street. James and Matthew were train conductors and they had trains and everything. It was a big deal. Their first real Halloween. We celebrated by taking the twins out for their first trick or treat and having a party at the house. I was out of ideas and came as a “snuggie.” So creative. Metallica, the basset hound, was yoda. ( I did pull out the ol’ candy corn witch sexy costume and was a bit depressed when I noticed it had “shrunk” a bit since college. I still have it though. Leggings and all. Waiting for me to take a sexy shape once again someday. Yeah right.)

There was something so priceless about watching John walk around and trick or treat with his nephews last year. He wasn’t afraid to be a kid with them. He was perfectly fine with being a goofy uncle. Just the way that all uncles should be. And I was perfectly fine at being a doting aunt. And as I watched him hold hands with the boys and walk down the sidewalk… I saw visions of a future with our own children.
So, this Halloween I won’t be dressing up. I won’t be passing out candy. I will, however, be playing with beluga whales. Thank you Lauren Stone. My weekend will have it’s silver lining after all. After I get to touch and kiss my favorite animal in the world!! I know I can't fool myself. This weekend is tough. There's more than just memories of dressing up in costumes to think about this weekend...

Things could have been different this year.

This Halloween I would have been coming out as Mrs. Seay.

For the first full day as a wife.

To the cutest dinosaur, banana and count.....

Screw You October!!!!

I woke up this morning normal. Ya know... running late. Because I can't ever hear my alarm or I guess I turn it out without remembering. fuck.
Then as I was checking the time... I saw it.
The date.
It's October 1st.
Is it really already October 1st? This can't already be October.
Suddently I was sulking. I drove in the car contemplating where my life would be if John were still here. We would be in our final preparations of wedding planning. And by the end of the month I would be Mrs. Autumn Seay.
So, I guess you can say I just sort of set myself up for a bad day/month already.
But, I really did try and make it through today normally. As I do every day. Normal. Keeping my head above the water so I don't drown.
School was good. I love my job and I love my co-worker.
And after school I went to pick up some birthday balloons for my friend Star. So many in fact I couldn't see out of my window.
As I drove home and got off the 408 I took an exit and then next thing you know I hear a cop siren behind me. He was telling me to pull over. This seriously can't be happening. I was getting a fucking ticket. I had no idea where to pull over since there wasn't really a shoulder on the side of the road so I pulled into a driveway to some house. The moment the officer got to my window he was completely and udderly RUDE. Is this what I need today?! First of all he got on to me by saying "why would you pull into a driveway and not just to the side of the road?"
Like, was he serious??? Is there some rule about this that I don't know about? Shouldn't he be happy he wasn't in danger by me pulling to the side of the road where he could be hit? I was flabbergasted.
Apparently I was going 10 over the speed limit. But he was sooooo "generous" he put it to 9 over to bring my ticket cost down.
And when he walked away to check my license and insurance I started to tear up. I contemplated pulling the widow card. But how could that even be possible? He was totally over me the moment he pulled me over. And how inappropriate of me to just be like "um, you don't understand officer... I lost my fiance in April and we were supposed to get married this month....which explains my speeding." In honesty I was thinking about John the whole drive home. But the ticket was my fault. I was speeding. But the last thing I needed was a rude cop who actually threatened me "if you take this to court I will bring it up to the original speed." What?? Wrong. You won't. And just because you said that makes me want to take it to court.

After my ticket I cried all the way home... hard.
It wasn't just about the ticket anymore.
Because I am a ticking time bomb. It all it took was a ticket to light the fuse.
And I exploded.
It went from pissed off about a ticket to pissed off I went home alone and John wasn't there to comfort me... to sad because John wasn't there at all anymore. To depressed. My life was dark again. It took one ticket to set it off. And the month of October.
So I did what I always do when I get a speeding ticket
I called daddy.
Except he could barely understand me because I was crying so hard. And it wasn't just about the ticket. It was about John.
And my dad, being who he is... doesn't always do emotional.
It's hard for him to listen to me cry. I know it kills him inside because there is NOTHING he can do to make it better. And as a dad... that's his job. To make me happy. Then he said something that no one, especially a dad, has the right to say to me... he said "Autumn, I am just being honest here but you are going to have to get over it."
I know it didn't really mean it. Because I swore I heard a quiver in his voice. But it still hurt. This is my dad. He should be more understanding...he should be sympathetic... but I knew inside this wasn't what he meant.
So after I hung up my dad texted me...
"I love you kiddo."
I replied "I know. But you can't just tell me to get over it, dad."
He said "I know" back to me.
Then I asked "Are you over it?"
"No" says dad.

And there you have it.

October has started out a bitch already. I am going to do all I can to not force myself into a predetermined destinty here. I don't want to make it worse by expecting it to be worse. But, I hate it already. If this is what the fall is going to be like please wake me up in 2011.