ready, set, goal.

I read a facebook status today that said "my life could be a lifetime movie.."

oh man, the days I have thought that thought.

the days i still think that thought.

and as my life moves forward.. i feel like the movie-like circumstances continue to unfurl.

a drama. definitely a drama.

or a romantic comedy?

one of those for sure.

but then there are these days... where i feel like.. my life isn't such.

it isn't the story that one would want to grab at Barnes and Nobles or spend $10 to see at the movie theater.

I mean yes, what happened with John was completely tragic and out of the blue and we have a love story that rivals The Notebook any day. And yes, I have found love again. True love again. A love I had thought would NEVER come my way EVER again. ever.

and he's such a great guy.

and we have a great love story.

and i have had so many obstacles come my way... through losing friends and family, losing my job, dealing with suicides and murders, divorced parents, an absent mother, a unique family dynamic, etc.

but I still feel like maybe this is just another story.

and that even though I have been through all of these things... if i died today... would I actually be remembered in years to come? would my story be remembered? what do I have to give and leave behind? what will my legacy be?

i was in a downward dog pose today doing deep thinking. (isn't this where everyone does their deep thinking?)

and then the thinking continued you in the shower... (where a lot of my deep thinking usually occurs. )

what can i do to make a difference? to push myself? to be recognized? to feel accomplishment??

then i watched the Biggest Loser.

and if you ever want to be motivated... watch the final episodes of that show. and i watch these people with tears in their eyes and joy on their faces when they see these numbers pop up on a screen which represent pounds of unhappiness shedding from their body.

and then one girl cries out "i'm not just happy about losing the weight. i'm happy because i finally finished something i started for once in my life..."

and my light bulb popped on.

...all day i couldn't really place my finger on why i was so discontent.

and then that was it.

unfinished business.

my life still has soooo much purpose to it. there is still so much i want to do.

no, im not 100% sure what i am doing in every direction in my life but i know that i need to start picking paths now and start following them through. if i am not able to find a teaching job by August then i need to follow a new path. i need to go back to school or i need to choose a different career... even if just for a year. i need to start a diet and exercise routine that is going to work for me and that i won't fall away from. i need to set goals for my weight and stick to them. and then i need to follow through and reach that weight goal. (thank you Diana for being the motivation for this).

and i think a big part of this unaccomplished feeling stems from loving John for so long. and finally getting the chance to prepare a marriage and then having that stripped from me. that i still own an engagement ring but no wedding to follow. that i know for sure that when i eventually marry, and I can already say in confidence i want Ryan, that i will be accomplishing one of the biggest goals i have ever had... and the longest. since i was a little girl.

i just feel that having so many lose ends in my life makes me feel like i haven't done anything worthwhile. i have too many hopes and dreams and i need to start making bigger steps to make them happen. if i want to travel the world (like i know i do)... then i need to start looking into jobs that give the finances for that. if i want to not live in apartments my whole life then i need to start saving money and putting it towards a future down payment on a house. if i know that orlando makes me kind of miserable then i need to start setting my eyes on places where i will be happier.

it's all about setting goals.

and then actually achieving them.

self image

I hate being fat.

And I am not afraid to admit I am.

And please don't try and convince I am not.

I see myself in the mirror. But even worse.... I see myself in photos. And I see a ton of flaws. Self image is something many people struggle with. And mine seems to be suffering even more since I lost John. I think a huge part of it has to do with the fact that he isn't around to call me beautiful anymore. When you are told you are beautiful for so long and when someone likes your body no matter what for so many years... being without that confidence boost can be really depressing. It didn't mean that because I had John I wanted my body to go to shit. It just meant that he accepted me. He was insanely in love. We both were blinded by love. To the point where imperfections just didn't exist.

I could try and blame many things for my weight.

Stress.

Depression.

My medication.

birth control.

being busy.

etc. etc.

and those all contribute.... but....

(and there's always a but...)

it's sooooo me.

I eat ok now. I really did cut back on soda (sometimes i go a week without it and then splurge on the weekend). I started tracking my food. I now eat breakfast!!! (something I NEVER used to do...) I have been eating more fruit and less red meat. But I am still a long way from where i should be. I fall into the temptation of fast food easily. Especially when I am stressing out. I almost have a slight binge. It's scary. If I am on the phone with a friend and I pull into a fast food restaurant i have to make up an excuse to hang up.. or I put them on mute. I am completely embarrassed. and it's not like I pull up and order 5 cheeseburgers. Its usually something small. not even a full meal. like fries and a drink. or a ice cream. but either way.... it's not helping me.

My struggle with drinking water has always been a problem. I don't know what it is but I can't seem to stay hydrated ever. I know I need to be taking in way more water than I do currently.

And exercise???

pah!

It's totally random.

I don't stick to a routine. I am not hard enough on myself. I make excuses.

I sometimes take out my drum corps scrapbooks.... and i have a hard time believing i was ever that thin. or tan. or had muscles in my arms and legs. I must say my arms, legs and ass used to be quite toned.

And there isn't a reason they can't be again.

I just dont know if i will ever be in drum corps shape again. I mean, they literally kicked our asses and we worked so hard that weight was never an issue. i knew every summer that i would be losing 15-25 pounds. It was a given. When i would come back from drum corps i took advantage of the body i had. In corps you could eat an insane amount of food and not gain an ounce because you worked it off by the next rehearsal block. I continued to eat like that when I would get back to college. And then the weight came back.

And then i would get sad. and it's a vicious cycle.

sometimes i get in this mode... where I exercise daily and eat healthy... only to fall out of it within a week. A few summers ago I did weight watchers and lost 10 pounds and was really happy with it. so, i know i can do it again.

I just have to suck it up.

My friend, Diana. She is an amazing success story and I am completely jealous of her.

She and I both started doing Medi weight loss last year in January. I lost about 10 pounds... but eventually had to stop because it got very expensive and I started to wander away from the plan. Diana kept going... and she also started to do things like running and stuff. I didn't. Now she has lost about 40 pounds... she looks STUNNING... and can run like a beast.

I just don't get this whole running thing. I literally want to throw up everytime i run.

HOW THE HELL DO PEOPLE DO THIS FOR FUN?

self image.

im starting to freak out.

what if no one ever find me attractive again?

I am 27. I am overweight. I am a widow.

I already have so much going against me.

Not to mention the other issues I deal with in my mind. my mole was one of those things. and I had it removed. and now all i can focus on is my scar.

then there's my nose. which many think is completely normal but i find it a bit too... big. my boobs are too big. my stomach make me look pregnant. my arms are fat. my butt is losing it's cute shape. my legs are getting chunky. I have grays.

I want to feel pretty.

Sometimes.... sometimes... i feel it. i have my days where I have a confidence inside of me that feels attractive. And then a lot of times i feel insecure.

I guess I am ready to be called beautiful again.

And not just out of pity.

And not just by others.

but by myself.

to look in the mirror and actually like the reflection i see.