oh man, the days I have thought that thought.
the days i still think that thought.
and as my life moves forward.. i feel like the movie-like circumstances continue to unfurl.
a drama. definitely a drama.
or a romantic comedy?
one of those for sure.
but then there are these days... where i feel like.. my life isn't such.
it isn't the story that one would want to grab at Barnes and Nobles or spend $10 to see at the movie theater.
I mean yes, what happened with John was completely tragic and out of the blue and we have a love story that rivals The Notebook any day. And yes, I have found love again. True love again. A love I had thought would NEVER come my way EVER again. ever.
and he's such a great guy.
and we have a great love story.
and i have had so many obstacles come my way... through losing friends and family, losing my job, dealing with suicides and murders, divorced parents, an absent mother, a unique family dynamic, etc.
but I still feel like maybe this is just another story.
and that even though I have been through all of these things... if i died today... would I actually be remembered in years to come? would my story be remembered? what do I have to give and leave behind? what will my legacy be?
i was in a downward dog pose today doing deep thinking. (isn't this where everyone does their deep thinking?)
and then the thinking continued you in the shower... (where a lot of my deep thinking usually occurs. )
what can i do to make a difference? to push myself? to be recognized? to feel accomplishment??
then i watched the Biggest Loser.
and if you ever want to be motivated... watch the final episodes of that show. and i watch these people with tears in their eyes and joy on their faces when they see these numbers pop up on a screen which represent pounds of unhappiness shedding from their body.
and then one girl cries out "i'm not just happy about losing the weight. i'm happy because i finally finished something i started for once in my life..."
and my light bulb popped on.
...all day i couldn't really place my finger on why i was so discontent.
and then that was it.
my life still has soooo much purpose to it. there is still so much i want to do.
no, im not 100% sure what i am doing in every direction in my life but i know that i need to start picking paths now and start following them through. if i am not able to find a teaching job by August then i need to follow a new path. i need to go back to school or i need to choose a different career... even if just for a year. i need to start a diet and exercise routine that is going to work for me and that i won't fall away from. i need to set goals for my weight and stick to them. and then i need to follow through and reach that weight goal. (thank you Diana for being the motivation for this).
and i think a big part of this unaccomplished feeling stems from loving John for so long. and finally getting the chance to prepare a marriage and then having that stripped from me. that i still own an engagement ring but no wedding to follow. that i know for sure that when i eventually marry, and I can already say in confidence i want Ryan, that i will be accomplishing one of the biggest goals i have ever had... and the longest. since i was a little girl.
i just feel that having so many lose ends in my life makes me feel like i haven't done anything worthwhile. i have too many hopes and dreams and i need to start making bigger steps to make them happen. if i want to travel the world (like i know i do)... then i need to start looking into jobs that give the finances for that. if i want to not live in apartments my whole life then i need to start saving money and putting it towards a future down payment on a house. if i know that orlando makes me kind of miserable then i need to start setting my eyes on places where i will be happier.
it's all about setting goals.
and then actually achieving them.