Monday, June 20, 2011

Dreams, Dates, and Men that are Blue

For once it isn't me having the strange dreams.
In fact, for the girl who always has had such VIVID dreams... and dreams that I can actually go back and recall in great detail.... I haven't been dreaming that much lately.
I take that back.
I have been forgetting my dreams.

Last week Ryan asked me "so, did you have any wild dreams last night." I immediately started to think that maybe I was doing some weird moaning or flailing about in my sleep. "No... why?"
Ryan looked surprised.
Like my answer was unexpected.
He then went on to tell me he has been having reoccurring dreams where John is there... and me... and Ryan... and I have to choose between them.
of course any man dating a widow will have the occasional "dead guy jealousy." it's weird. they aren't even a threat at all anymore... yet my affections towards John will never go away. So, i guess these dreams would be considered normal?
As Ryan explained to me the dreams he literally started to tear up.
He said that John never spoke to him... but he could tell that he didn't like Ryan for trying to take me from him.
(Ryan never has really had conversations with John so it makes sense he doesn't hear his voice in the dreams).
Ryan says that he wakes up feeling horrible.
he is terrified of losing me.
Oh no. now we are both afraid of losing each other.
Ryan has had dreams were he has lost me before. but never to john. my deceased fiance.
I of course state the obvious.
that john isn't coming back.
and i do not have to choose.
thank GOD.
can you imagine???
i don't want to.
it's hard enough loving a man on earth and a man in heaven.
my heart has been pulled on enough.
to choose between them would be tragedy at it's finest.
Ryan just cares so much about my happiness.
he once told me he wished John were here... and that he would gladly give me up to John if it would make me happy.
it was a little chilling to hear that.
because it's so sacrificial.
but now that i have ryan in my life... i don't think i can imagine him not in it.

just as i once couldn't imagine my life without john.

So, moving forward.... Saturday night.
I have a new job. yay. well... i mean i transfered to a new position at universal.
part time.
8 dollars an hour. i am really moving up in the world.

i am now going to be working at blue man group.
as an usher.

so, my new supervisor asks me to come out and see the show...which i have. a million times. but i figured it would make for a great date night with Ryan. of course!
everything started out so great!
we got to city walk and had sushi and i introduced Ryan to his first sake bomb!
it was a lot of fun!
and as we got to blue man we met up with Bryan, my supervisor, and he was really nice and all was well.
before the show started the BMG do some nonsense stuff with the audience where they point out certain individuals and do clever things like "this person won a gold medal in curling..." etc. etc.
then they pointed out a couple and asked them to stand up.
the couple was sitting right next to us.
and then i see the dad from the row behind slip a red box secretly into the guy's hand.
Then you know the next steps.
he gets on a knee.
he asks a question.
she puts her hands over her face in shock.
she says yes.
she hugs and kisses him.
there is mass applause.
it's your every day proposal.

at blue man group.

i wasn't quite prepared for that.
and i left.
rather quickly actually... and i didn't know where i was headed... but i knew there was no holding back.
i left Ryan at the seats. baffled i am sure.
because when i had looked at him he was applauding with everyone else and had a huge smile on his face.
i guess that's what i should have been doing.
i guess i should have been happy for them.

but i ran away.
behind the seating area.
and i cried.
at first just wiping away streaming tears.
then loud little sighs and moans.
loud crying. oh yes, the loud crying.
it wasn't my loudest... but it was loud enough to be noticed... by another usher and best of all: my supervisor.
he was really nice about it. he went in the back and got a whole BOX of tissues and said I could keep the box. i passed on the box. i grabbed like 5 or 6 though.
ya see, he already knew about everything because i mentioned it during my interview.
and i wasn't even playing my widow card.
i was just trying to explain the change in my life to explain why i needed to switch roles at universal. sometimes i feel like it's a puzzle piece that should be shared so people can understand the decisions that i make. i mean, do i really need to pull my widow card for an hourly job anyway?

so now i am embarrassed.
i haven't even started the job yet and my supervisor has already tried to comfort me during a meltdown/sob session.
he starts to apologize.
"i didn't think about where they were sitting...we were just told today... i would have had you come another night..."

he's blaming himself?!
for my lack of happiness for others and inability to cope?

i returned to my seat a few minutes later.

and i was pretty apathetic for the rest of the show and night.
i was unmoved and unpleasant.
and as we walked to the parking garage ryan scolded me on ruining the night over strangers.

and then i pulled the "you don't know what it's like" card.
but inside i felt guilty.
ryan was right... for the most part.
i let others... strangers... and their happiness... their own happy day... take away MY happy day with someone who loves me very much.
and grief does that.
it's a thief of happy moments.
because it takes other's situations and makes them personal.
and now that I got my first proposal since John's death out of the way... I will be better next time around.


Meredith said...

Wow, I can totally relate to this in my own grief. And you're right - you'll be just a teeny bit better next time. I know what you mean though - I plan different things all the time because if I know there's a chance of something happening that's going to set me off, I don't go. But when you aren't prepared - it hits you worse. It's happened to me so many times. Just last week I was crying to a girlfriend because she was telling me about her 2 year old and I felt so guilty that I had to pass on going to her baby shower or ever even MEETING her daughter. How awful of a friend am I? But I knew I wouldn't have been able to handle it at the time.

I can relate.

I'm also so glad that you found Ryan. He sounds absolutely wonderful and I can't wait to meet him some day. I'm glad he makes you happy and that you can't imagine life without him. I can only imaging how conflicting it is to love your two men.

Anonymous said...

"now we are both afraid of losing each other." At least you two can talk about it with each other. That's more than some people do.