Dreams, Dates, and Men that are Blue

For once it isn't me having the strange dreams.

In fact, for the girl who always has had such VIVID dreams... and dreams that I can actually go back and recall in great detail.... I haven't been dreaming that much lately.

I take that back.

I have been forgetting my dreams.

Last week Ryan asked me "so, did you have any wild dreams last night." I immediately started to think that maybe I was doing some weird moaning or flailing about in my sleep. "No... why?"

Ryan looked surprised.

Like my answer was unexpected.

He then went on to tell me he has been having reoccurring dreams where John is there... and me... and Ryan... and I have to choose between them.

of course any man dating a widow will have the occasional "dead guy jealousy." it's weird. they aren't even a threat at all anymore... yet my affections towards John will never go away. So, i guess these dreams would be considered normal?

As Ryan explained to me the dreams he literally started to tear up.

He said that John never spoke to him... but he could tell that he didn't like Ryan for trying to take me from him.

(Ryan never has really had conversations with John so it makes sense he doesn't hear his voice in the dreams).

Ryan says that he wakes up feeling horrible.

he is terrified of losing me.

LOSING ME.

Oh no. now we are both afraid of losing each other.

Ryan has had dreams were he has lost me before. but never to john. my deceased fiance.

I of course state the obvious.

that john isn't coming back.

and i do not have to choose.

thank GOD.

can you imagine???

no.

i don't want to.

it's hard enough loving a man on earth and a man in heaven.

my heart has been pulled on enough.

to choose between them would be tragedy at it's finest.

Ryan just cares so much about my happiness.

he once told me he wished John were here... and that he would gladly give me up to John if it would make me happy.

it was a little chilling to hear that.

because it's so sacrificial.

but now that i have ryan in my life... i don't think i can imagine him not in it.

just as i once couldn't imagine my life without john.

So, moving forward.... Saturday night.

I have a new job. yay. well... i mean i transfered to a new position at universal.

part time.

8 dollars an hour. i am really moving up in the world.

i am now going to be working at blue man group.

as an usher.

so, my new supervisor asks me to come out and see the show...which i have. a million times. but i figured it would make for a great date night with Ryan. of course!

everything started out so great!

we got to city walk and had sushi and i introduced Ryan to his first sake bomb!

see:

it was a lot of fun!

and as we got to blue man we met up with Bryan, my supervisor, and he was really nice and all was well.

before the show started the BMG do some nonsense stuff with the audience where they point out certain individuals and do clever things like "this person won a gold medal in curling..." etc. etc.

then they pointed out a couple and asked them to stand up.

the couple was sitting right next to us.

and then i see the dad from the row behind slip a red box secretly into the guy's hand.

OH NO.

Then you know the next steps.

he gets on a knee.

he asks a question.

she puts her hands over her face in shock.

she says yes.

she hugs and kisses him.

there is mass applause.

it's your every day proposal.

at blue man group.

well.

i wasn't quite prepared for that.

and i left.

rather quickly actually... and i didn't know where i was headed... but i knew there was no holding back.

i left Ryan at the seats. baffled i am sure.

because when i had looked at him he was applauding with everyone else and had a huge smile on his face.

i guess that's what i should have been doing.

i guess i should have been happy for them.

but i ran away.

behind the seating area.

and i cried.

at first just wiping away streaming tears.

then loud little sighs and moans.

loud crying. oh yes, the loud crying.

it wasn't my loudest... but it was loud enough to be noticed... by another usher and best of all: my supervisor.

he was really nice about it. he went in the back and got a whole BOX of tissues and said I could keep the box. i passed on the box. i grabbed like 5 or 6 though.

ya see, he already knew about everything because i mentioned it during my interview.

and i wasn't even playing my widow card.

i was just trying to explain the change in my life to explain why i needed to switch roles at universal. sometimes i feel like it's a puzzle piece that should be shared so people can understand the decisions that i make. i mean, do i really need to pull my widow card for an hourly job anyway?

so now i am embarrassed.

i haven't even started the job yet and my supervisor has already tried to comfort me during a meltdown/sob session.

he starts to apologize.

"i didn't think about where they were sitting...we were just told today... i would have had you come another night..."

he's blaming himself?!

for my lack of happiness for others and inability to cope?

i returned to my seat a few minutes later.

and i was pretty apathetic for the rest of the show and night.

i was unmoved and unpleasant.

and as we walked to the parking garage ryan scolded me on ruining the night over strangers.

and then i pulled the "you don't know what it's like" card.

but inside i felt guilty.

ryan was right... for the most part.

i let others... strangers... and their happiness... their own happy day... take away MY happy day with someone who loves me very much.

and grief does that.

it's a thief of happy moments.

because it takes other's situations and makes them personal.

and now that I got my first proposal since John's death out of the way... I will be better next time around.

Doctor's Visits

Today I woke up and went to the doctor. To get a flu shot and have my throat checked out because swallowing lately has been a struggle. My neck and ears are throbbing. I get flu shots every year. Because I teach. So this is nothing new... but I have to admit that a sense of anxiety overwhelms me when I go to the doctor now. I go into the room and start to tell my symptoms... and next thing you know I am going on and on about how I lost John. And I end up crying. The nurse feels so helpless at this point. She assumed this was an easy stick to the arm and antibiotic prescription. Now here I am crying. Every symptom that comes up is now a flag. When I don't feel good I can't just ignore it. I have to make sure I am going to be ok. It's obnoxious really. Doctor visits will never be the same again. Not like they were ever easy before. After John died and I went to the hospital..Philip, Courtney and John's dad were there to support me while I got all my tests done. When I had to get blood drawn for my physical.. Jen was there to sing songs to me while they stuck me with needles. I wasn't alone then. And I know it sounds pety. But, it's what I needed.

Before all this... I had John. I remember when he went with me to my gynocologist for each of my 3 vaccine shots for cervical cancer. Ya know, the ones that were free to get if you were under 26. But they hurt so much!! Especially the first one. My arm welted for days after. John was in the room with me and held my hand and spoke to me. I am such a baby. I remember the doctor telling me why I should get it. I told her "well, should I get it even if I have only one partner?" She responded "well, just in case." I remember how offended I was in a way. There was only ever going to be John, lady. You don't understand. He's the one. forever. There will be no other. Now it was like... some revelation.
John was my first in last in my eyes. Nothing would change that. Our love was the real deal. What could separate that?

The answer was death.
One of could die.


But that never approached my thoughts. It wasn't a possibility. How naive. How naive for any of us to think that we are so unbreakable. That we can escape the power of death and God's hand.


But John was there.
Two years ago I was in John's blazer. I was in and out. I could hardly hold my head up.
I had gone to school that morning not feeling so good. By 2nd period I had fallen over in my office. I called the front office and said I needed to go to a clinic at my lunch and I would be back by the end of it. As I went to the parking lot to start my car I couldn't get the energy to move. I sat in the car for 10 minutes diliberating what to do. But I finallyu drove to a clinic. I got in there and laid on a chair... they wanted me to fill out paperwork and I could barely do it. I was miserable. They checked my temperature and pulse... pulse was a little high... temp was 99. Nothing serious at the time. They let me lay in the clinic while I called my nieghbor to come pick me up. I couldn't drive. It wasn't an option. I could barely move. She picked me up and called John to come home and take care of me. By the time John got home my body was burning up. I started to come up with self diagnosis... I thought I might have TSS. Toxic Shock Syndrome.
It made John terribly nervous so he put me in the blazer and we made our way to the ER. I was immediately admitted because my pulse was in the upper 100s and my body temp was 103. That is a RED FLAG in the med world. They hooked me up to an EKG and noticed my heart was a little all over the place. My nurse's name was Angel. I remember her well. I was so scared. They wouldn't let me go to sleep. John had to keep me from dozing off. He was so nervous... you could see it in his eyes. After the EKGs they put me in a wonderful gown and started testing me for EVERYTHING.
I remember John saying how cute I looked in the gown and he begged to take a picture. I said no.
After the EKGS, urine tests, blood tests, xrays, etc. the doctors couldn't really come up with a conclusion except that I had a virus. A form of the flu they thought. They hooked me up to an IV and gave me about 4 bags of fluid. They gave me pain meds and even valium. Their goal was to get my heart rate down. Below 100. John stayed with me the whole 8 hours I was there. In the end he got antsy. I would sit and stare at the monitor and watch my pulse. I concentrated on trying to make it slow down. It stayed at 116-113 for a long time. He got frustrated and made me turn away from the monitor and try and sleep. He shut the lights off. He sat in a chair and was quiet in the dark with me. I couldn't sleep. No matter how hard I tried. Finally, they let us go when my heart rate was 110. We couldn't stand to wait any longer.
I left the hospital with no answers. Just maybes. Maybe I had a form of the flu. They can only test a small amount. There are hundreds of versions. So, it was a virus.
And it was a virus that took John. A virus. And his symptoms were not even close to as severe as the ones I had. At least he never led on to it. Why couldn't I have taken him to the doctor? Would they have found out? What would they have been able to do? Could they have saved him? These are questions I can't dwell on. They will never be answered.
All I know is that the experience has forever changed me in so many ways.
And when it comes to my health and the health of my loved ones. I will always be super cautious... borderline paranoid.


No one likes feeling bad alone.
We want to be comforted. We want to be looked after.
I hate that John was alone in that room his last moments of life.
I would have held his hand as he took his final breaths... I would have whispered in his ear that I loved him and I would alwaya love him. I feel like that I owed him that. He had always been there for me for even the silliest things. For silly shots... or doctor visits... he was there.
I couldn't be there for him when he left this Earth and grabbed the hand of God. I know that when I pass on from this earth I don't want to be alone. I can't imagine it. I still have intense fear of even thinking about it. I still hate sleeping alone. Because John was alone. i need to have someone around me. to make me feel ok. to be with me.
to say I look cute in the hospital gown.
of course he would say that. John loved me at my best and my worst. He was absolutely adorable and adored me. i got to experience someone to totally loved me for me. for every part of me.

ok, it's theraflu time and bed with lily.
she's no John... but she sure is a wonderful addition to my life. I think John might have sent her to me.

email from John

I was looking through my email the other day and found this one from John. He wrote it last February while I was at work. It was terribly sweet.. which is why I kept it, of course.
I thought I would share it. because it displays how adorable john was. how he always just wanted to make me smile. and how we constantly thought about each other. every day. all day.

Hey Girl!

So you forgot your phone this morning, silly head. I tried calling but it only rang to the bedroom...anyway, that can't keep me from telling you how much I love you! You are wonderful! I hope you have a great day and I can't wait to see you! You are the light in my life! ...too many exclamation points? NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!


Love Always,


John!




This email makes me smile.
i can hear john's voice reading it to me.
i can see his smile on his face as he writes it. i can remember myself getting this email at school. when i could access hotmail at school.
i hated when i would forget my phone at home. it bothered me that i couldn't talk to john. i can't believe at one point in my life i lived without a cell phone. and as i look at my cell phone now... and press my "favorites".. john is still there. top of the list.
if i press his name it dials his number. his disconnected number.
a woman on the other line tells me it's not in service.
a recorded voice reminding me of the pain. that john won't answer a phone call ever again.
or respond to an email.
or write a cute email to me while i am at work.. just because he couldn't reach me on my cell phone.

and as of yesterday.... i will no longer be pulling up to the driveway and seeing john's car. his cadillac. his baby. his pride and joy. the car we both put so much into. for our anniversary i got his windows tinted. illegally, of course. for christmas i got him chrome door handles... which he put on right away with the help of my dad.
for valentines day i got him stuff for his car to keep it nice... like leather cleaner and tire cleaner. he used it all right away. he was so excited.
and now the car is gone. it's going to be sold.
john and i wont be making any road trips in it anymore.
we won't be plugging in the ipod and listening to the battles as loud as possible. john won't be drumming on the stearing wheel or putting his seat way back when he drives. we won't be washing it every other weekend at the car wash... with the reggae music and buying scratch off tickets at the 7-11 next door.
i miss the car.
i miss the emails.
i miss the phone calls.
the voice mails, his voice, his smell, his touch, his warmth.

every day i face a new challenge.
i slowly have to face a new hurdle. something that awakens the pain again. lifts the band aid. and everyday i have to be reminded that john isn't here.
i hate it.
i hate every feeling i feel. good or bad.
because they both remind me of what i don't have. which is him.
which is the man i am still in love with.