A new kind of anniversary....

A lot of my blog posts have to deal with dates.
As a widow, dates start to mean a lot.
You count down days from the moment you lose the one you love.
It's not about counting down TOWARDS dates anymore.
It's about counting away from the times you spent with the person you loved.
You base events on how far away they were from that moment.
The first week without them. The first month. The first Christmas. The first 100 days. The first year. The first birthday. etc. etc.

When I met Ryan I got to do something I hadn't done in a long time.... I got to LOOK FORWARD to dates in my life again.
Now, it was scary at first.
I didn't want to get too excited because I had this weird feeling inside that if I was too happy or too looking forward to something... it would be taken away from me.

This is reasonable.

I mean, I had a whole wedding panning out in front of my eyes....

and that was snatched away.

In one second.

So, I gave myself little moments to look forward to. Until eventually I felt comfortable enough to look forward to bigger things.
And sometimes I just sit back and let the bigger events come my way.
And pretend I do not notice.

And here I am.
At a milestone.

A year ago this evening I was a nervous girl... woman... whatever...
going on a date with this really cute guy. I liked him a lot already. It was school girl type feelings all over again.
And a date?!
Something I hadn't done in over 6 years!!!
So, I was nervous to say the least.
But, I took a leap.
Because apparently my heart never learns it's lesson.
But thank GOD I let my heart take over again because a year later I am so happy and pleased to say I am still with that wonderful man.
Who I think is still studly as ever.
And so freaking tolerant and brave to put up with a crazy person (that's me).
I mean he's dealt with a whole year of it.
He was there for the John anniversaries.
The one year, the birthdays, the holidays....
and he is still with me!!!!
Can you believe this???

Did I do something right, perhaps????

Did God surely answer that prayer???

I can say without a doubt that God indeed heard.
And I think John did too.


Hey widow friends:
Don't be afraid to fall in love again.
It's kind of awesome.
To be loved unconditionally.
Twice.
Being loved from Heaven and being loved from Earth.



Happy 1 year, Ryan.

Dreams, Dates, and Men that are Blue

For once it isn't me having the strange dreams.

In fact, for the girl who always has had such VIVID dreams... and dreams that I can actually go back and recall in great detail.... I haven't been dreaming that much lately.

I take that back.

I have been forgetting my dreams.

Last week Ryan asked me "so, did you have any wild dreams last night." I immediately started to think that maybe I was doing some weird moaning or flailing about in my sleep. "No... why?"

Ryan looked surprised.

Like my answer was unexpected.

He then went on to tell me he has been having reoccurring dreams where John is there... and me... and Ryan... and I have to choose between them.

of course any man dating a widow will have the occasional "dead guy jealousy." it's weird. they aren't even a threat at all anymore... yet my affections towards John will never go away. So, i guess these dreams would be considered normal?

As Ryan explained to me the dreams he literally started to tear up.

He said that John never spoke to him... but he could tell that he didn't like Ryan for trying to take me from him.

(Ryan never has really had conversations with John so it makes sense he doesn't hear his voice in the dreams).

Ryan says that he wakes up feeling horrible.

he is terrified of losing me.

LOSING ME.

Oh no. now we are both afraid of losing each other.

Ryan has had dreams were he has lost me before. but never to john. my deceased fiance.

I of course state the obvious.

that john isn't coming back.

and i do not have to choose.

thank GOD.

can you imagine???

no.

i don't want to.

it's hard enough loving a man on earth and a man in heaven.

my heart has been pulled on enough.

to choose between them would be tragedy at it's finest.

Ryan just cares so much about my happiness.

he once told me he wished John were here... and that he would gladly give me up to John if it would make me happy.

it was a little chilling to hear that.

because it's so sacrificial.

but now that i have ryan in my life... i don't think i can imagine him not in it.

just as i once couldn't imagine my life without john.

So, moving forward.... Saturday night.

I have a new job. yay. well... i mean i transfered to a new position at universal.

part time.

8 dollars an hour. i am really moving up in the world.

i am now going to be working at blue man group.

as an usher.

so, my new supervisor asks me to come out and see the show...which i have. a million times. but i figured it would make for a great date night with Ryan. of course!

everything started out so great!

we got to city walk and had sushi and i introduced Ryan to his first sake bomb!

see:

it was a lot of fun!

and as we got to blue man we met up with Bryan, my supervisor, and he was really nice and all was well.

before the show started the BMG do some nonsense stuff with the audience where they point out certain individuals and do clever things like "this person won a gold medal in curling..." etc. etc.

then they pointed out a couple and asked them to stand up.

the couple was sitting right next to us.

and then i see the dad from the row behind slip a red box secretly into the guy's hand.

OH NO.

Then you know the next steps.

he gets on a knee.

he asks a question.

she puts her hands over her face in shock.

she says yes.

she hugs and kisses him.

there is mass applause.

it's your every day proposal.

at blue man group.

well.

i wasn't quite prepared for that.

and i left.

rather quickly actually... and i didn't know where i was headed... but i knew there was no holding back.

i left Ryan at the seats. baffled i am sure.

because when i had looked at him he was applauding with everyone else and had a huge smile on his face.

i guess that's what i should have been doing.

i guess i should have been happy for them.

but i ran away.

behind the seating area.

and i cried.

at first just wiping away streaming tears.

then loud little sighs and moans.

loud crying. oh yes, the loud crying.

it wasn't my loudest... but it was loud enough to be noticed... by another usher and best of all: my supervisor.

he was really nice about it. he went in the back and got a whole BOX of tissues and said I could keep the box. i passed on the box. i grabbed like 5 or 6 though.

ya see, he already knew about everything because i mentioned it during my interview.

and i wasn't even playing my widow card.

i was just trying to explain the change in my life to explain why i needed to switch roles at universal. sometimes i feel like it's a puzzle piece that should be shared so people can understand the decisions that i make. i mean, do i really need to pull my widow card for an hourly job anyway?

so now i am embarrassed.

i haven't even started the job yet and my supervisor has already tried to comfort me during a meltdown/sob session.

he starts to apologize.

"i didn't think about where they were sitting...we were just told today... i would have had you come another night..."

he's blaming himself?!

for my lack of happiness for others and inability to cope?

i returned to my seat a few minutes later.

and i was pretty apathetic for the rest of the show and night.

i was unmoved and unpleasant.

and as we walked to the parking garage ryan scolded me on ruining the night over strangers.

and then i pulled the "you don't know what it's like" card.

but inside i felt guilty.

ryan was right... for the most part.

i let others... strangers... and their happiness... their own happy day... take away MY happy day with someone who loves me very much.

and grief does that.

it's a thief of happy moments.

because it takes other's situations and makes them personal.

and now that I got my first proposal since John's death out of the way... I will be better next time around.

the 27th of November

On November 27th 2004 I picked up the phone and dialed John's number. He picked up and I put on my brave face. I was nervous and shaky. I missed him. I really missed him. We had been separated just a few days and I found out that I couldn't stand to be away from him. So, as he answered the phone I just started with "Ok, John. Let's just make this official!"

This was something we both knew was coming.

Maybe he had known a little longer... especially since he told my friend he was in love with me after 3 months of knowing me.

And that was it. It was official. We finally could introduce ourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend. It was sort of a relief. I don't know why it took me 3 months to figure it out. I mean, there was some things we needed to get situated first. We definitely had stuff to work through... and I was a bit leary in the beginning... but I knew my decision was ok. That we were going to be a good couple.

Oh boy, was I ever right. Every month was a celebration. 1 month, 2 months, 3, 4, 5... people made fun of us all the time for celebrating the months. But why not? Celebrating loving someone is something I can always make time for. We ate out, exchanged gifts, and celebrated. I was absolutely in love. And as time went on our relationship got tighter, better, and stronger. Things that were a worry before had cleared themselves up. We made sacrifices for each other to better our relationship. That's what love is about. To sacrifice things (time, posessions, etc.) to better yourself and the one you love. To better the relationship you have together.

As we hit year one we stop celebrating months... but the year marks were always a HUGE deal. Last year John and I took a trip to Savannah, GA for our anniversary. It was a fantastic time. It was the best last anniversary to have... and I will never forget the time we spent there together.

John and I at a fountain at Forsyth Park in Savannah, GA.

Blowing out our 5 year anniversary cupcake candle!

So, yesterday was supposed to be 6 years. 6 years of being "official." Before a facebook status made you offcial. John's parents still celebrate their dating anniversary. By this anniversary we would have been married and looking forward to our first marriage anniversary. Hard to believe.. how different things are now.

John pouring a glass of wine for our 4th anniversary at our old apartment.... he surprised me with gifts and he made dinner! :)

I miss having those times to celebrate. Celebrating love. Our own special date.

It's hard to swallow the truth that I have to start all over again one day. It's hard to imagine it being anyone but John.