dear friend

You must understand, friends.

That I am allowed to be angry. For all the days that I am strong, chipper, and facing the world with the smile... I am allowed days of anger, grief, sadness...

because that's all part of this journey.

As a friend I don't expect you to be at my beck and call every 24 hours. Although some of you have mentioned that I can call you anytime. I trust those who have mentioned this.

I do not try to drag everyone down into my problems. That's why I blog. So, if one is offended then you just have to stop reading. Because, the whole purpose of this is to express myself.

Someone commented yesterday that "the reason your friends stop calling you is because they want to LIVE."

Probably one of the most selfish things I have heard.

I am offended and just plain taken aback.

I would NEVER stop calling a friend if they are in pain. This is the time you want to call them MORE. Or else... why would they be a friend? To only have them in the good times in your life?What a waste of a relationship.

Helen Keller once said:“Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light.”

I couldn't agree more. Why it may be easy to go on with your happy life that doesn't mean to abandon those in need. I know it's easy to dismiss this with a "you have to move on." But that doesn't just happen. And it takes time. It's only been 9 months. My wound is still healing. It's in fact very fresh. So, perhaps it would be best to try and imagine what it would be like to be in my shoes. It's awful, huh? I wouldn't want to do it either. I am living the nightmare everyone is afraid to face. I lost the one thing I can never replace completely. Along with the future we had planned together. And with sorrow comes the support of friends. They are my stake in the ground.... and I am the vine that grows around it. With the stake I can grow taller... reaching towards the light. without it... I whither away.

I need my friends.

And I hope they feel they need me.

I know they do.

As a friend I feel like I have a lot to offer.

And I know that John wouldn't want me to lose those I love most because of his death. But I am sure he would also want me to be taken care of.

It isn't that I am not learning to find my own way.

I do that day to day.

But part of who you are is the people you surround yourself with.

A friend makes that phone call. As uncomfortable as it may be... it means the world. A friend invites me to lunch, coffee, or a movie. I don't expect you to pay. I don't expect you to pick me up. I will meet you there. We can talk about anything. It doesn't have to be about John. And if you want to talk about John... I am more than willing. I love sharing our stories and our love. Thats how I keep him alive.

A friend reaches out when I am at my worst.

When I cry out for help it's usually for a good reason.

When the pain gets tough... it's nice to have someone there to hug, hold, and cry on.

Did their LIFE stop when they offered their help? Absolutely not. They are doing what I would do for them. They care. They want to continue the bonds made before John's death and make them stronger even after.

There are two ways we can make it out of this:

1) I lose you.

You stop calling. You can't handle my burden. You float off into your own world. You become distant. You say something rude. You make me feel guilty for having grief. You never take time to listen or be sympathetic or empathetic. You lack the compassion to carry on a mature relationship with someone.

2) Our friendship grows stronger than ever.

We pick up where we left off and build on what we have using lessons learned from John's death. That you never know where life can take you and to cherish the people you have in your life that LOVE you. You share your LIFE with me rather than "moving on" with it. You remember me and you remember my John. You don't forget the milestones. You offer help. You listen and offer advice. You become a person I can rely on. Our relationship becomes stronger than ever before.

It's really something I have no control over.

As much as I would love to keep all of my friends... it wouldn't surprise me if I lose a couple. And it just breaks my heart.

Friends, do not give up on me.

For I would never give up on you.

And neither would John.

He wouldn't want his death to cause me to lose more loved ones.

Losing people after a traumatic loss due to the fact of their own misunderstandings is adding insult to injury. Why add to the pain? Loss is loss. Losing John PLUS people I care about immensely... makes no sense.

Please watch your words.

Please think twice before you speak.

Your words are ammunition.

And some have wounded me with their words.

Take a step back. from yourself. from your computer.

reflect on all the things you have.

Now, pick your favorite thing.

Maybe it's your husband, your child, your pet, your job...

now. take it away. imagine it was taken from you. INSTANTLY. SUDDENLY. UNEXPECTANTLY.

Feel the hurt.

Feel the confusion.

Feel the emptiness.

You lost your world.

But now come back... and realize it's not really gone because it was just imaginary.

Mine is not.

Mine is a reality.

What does it take to get you to understand, friend?

Doctor's Visits

Today I woke up and went to the doctor. To get a flu shot and have my throat checked out because swallowing lately has been a struggle. My neck and ears are throbbing. I get flu shots every year. Because I teach. So this is nothing new... but I have to admit that a sense of anxiety overwhelms me when I go to the doctor now. I go into the room and start to tell my symptoms... and next thing you know I am going on and on about how I lost John. And I end up crying. The nurse feels so helpless at this point. She assumed this was an easy stick to the arm and antibiotic prescription. Now here I am crying. Every symptom that comes up is now a flag. When I don't feel good I can't just ignore it. I have to make sure I am going to be ok. It's obnoxious really. Doctor visits will never be the same again. Not like they were ever easy before. After John died and I went to the hospital..Philip, Courtney and John's dad were there to support me while I got all my tests done. When I had to get blood drawn for my physical.. Jen was there to sing songs to me while they stuck me with needles. I wasn't alone then. And I know it sounds pety. But, it's what I needed.

Before all this... I had John. I remember when he went with me to my gynocologist for each of my 3 vaccine shots for cervical cancer. Ya know, the ones that were free to get if you were under 26. But they hurt so much!! Especially the first one. My arm welted for days after. John was in the room with me and held my hand and spoke to me. I am such a baby. I remember the doctor telling me why I should get it. I told her "well, should I get it even if I have only one partner?" She responded "well, just in case." I remember how offended I was in a way. There was only ever going to be John, lady. You don't understand. He's the one. forever. There will be no other. Now it was like... some revelation.
John was my first in last in my eyes. Nothing would change that. Our love was the real deal. What could separate that?

The answer was death.
One of could die.


But that never approached my thoughts. It wasn't a possibility. How naive. How naive for any of us to think that we are so unbreakable. That we can escape the power of death and God's hand.


But John was there.
Two years ago I was in John's blazer. I was in and out. I could hardly hold my head up.
I had gone to school that morning not feeling so good. By 2nd period I had fallen over in my office. I called the front office and said I needed to go to a clinic at my lunch and I would be back by the end of it. As I went to the parking lot to start my car I couldn't get the energy to move. I sat in the car for 10 minutes diliberating what to do. But I finallyu drove to a clinic. I got in there and laid on a chair... they wanted me to fill out paperwork and I could barely do it. I was miserable. They checked my temperature and pulse... pulse was a little high... temp was 99. Nothing serious at the time. They let me lay in the clinic while I called my nieghbor to come pick me up. I couldn't drive. It wasn't an option. I could barely move. She picked me up and called John to come home and take care of me. By the time John got home my body was burning up. I started to come up with self diagnosis... I thought I might have TSS. Toxic Shock Syndrome.
It made John terribly nervous so he put me in the blazer and we made our way to the ER. I was immediately admitted because my pulse was in the upper 100s and my body temp was 103. That is a RED FLAG in the med world. They hooked me up to an EKG and noticed my heart was a little all over the place. My nurse's name was Angel. I remember her well. I was so scared. They wouldn't let me go to sleep. John had to keep me from dozing off. He was so nervous... you could see it in his eyes. After the EKGs they put me in a wonderful gown and started testing me for EVERYTHING.
I remember John saying how cute I looked in the gown and he begged to take a picture. I said no.
After the EKGS, urine tests, blood tests, xrays, etc. the doctors couldn't really come up with a conclusion except that I had a virus. A form of the flu they thought. They hooked me up to an IV and gave me about 4 bags of fluid. They gave me pain meds and even valium. Their goal was to get my heart rate down. Below 100. John stayed with me the whole 8 hours I was there. In the end he got antsy. I would sit and stare at the monitor and watch my pulse. I concentrated on trying to make it slow down. It stayed at 116-113 for a long time. He got frustrated and made me turn away from the monitor and try and sleep. He shut the lights off. He sat in a chair and was quiet in the dark with me. I couldn't sleep. No matter how hard I tried. Finally, they let us go when my heart rate was 110. We couldn't stand to wait any longer.
I left the hospital with no answers. Just maybes. Maybe I had a form of the flu. They can only test a small amount. There are hundreds of versions. So, it was a virus.
And it was a virus that took John. A virus. And his symptoms were not even close to as severe as the ones I had. At least he never led on to it. Why couldn't I have taken him to the doctor? Would they have found out? What would they have been able to do? Could they have saved him? These are questions I can't dwell on. They will never be answered.
All I know is that the experience has forever changed me in so many ways.
And when it comes to my health and the health of my loved ones. I will always be super cautious... borderline paranoid.


No one likes feeling bad alone.
We want to be comforted. We want to be looked after.
I hate that John was alone in that room his last moments of life.
I would have held his hand as he took his final breaths... I would have whispered in his ear that I loved him and I would alwaya love him. I feel like that I owed him that. He had always been there for me for even the silliest things. For silly shots... or doctor visits... he was there.
I couldn't be there for him when he left this Earth and grabbed the hand of God. I know that when I pass on from this earth I don't want to be alone. I can't imagine it. I still have intense fear of even thinking about it. I still hate sleeping alone. Because John was alone. i need to have someone around me. to make me feel ok. to be with me.
to say I look cute in the hospital gown.
of course he would say that. John loved me at my best and my worst. He was absolutely adorable and adored me. i got to experience someone to totally loved me for me. for every part of me.

ok, it's theraflu time and bed with lily.
she's no John... but she sure is a wonderful addition to my life. I think John might have sent her to me.