dear friend

You must understand, friends.

That I am allowed to be angry. For all the days that I am strong, chipper, and facing the world with the smile... I am allowed days of anger, grief, sadness...

because that's all part of this journey.

As a friend I don't expect you to be at my beck and call every 24 hours. Although some of you have mentioned that I can call you anytime. I trust those who have mentioned this.

I do not try to drag everyone down into my problems. That's why I blog. So, if one is offended then you just have to stop reading. Because, the whole purpose of this is to express myself.

Someone commented yesterday that "the reason your friends stop calling you is because they want to LIVE."

Probably one of the most selfish things I have heard.

I am offended and just plain taken aback.

I would NEVER stop calling a friend if they are in pain. This is the time you want to call them MORE. Or else... why would they be a friend? To only have them in the good times in your life?What a waste of a relationship.

Helen Keller once said:“Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light.”

I couldn't agree more. Why it may be easy to go on with your happy life that doesn't mean to abandon those in need. I know it's easy to dismiss this with a "you have to move on." But that doesn't just happen. And it takes time. It's only been 9 months. My wound is still healing. It's in fact very fresh. So, perhaps it would be best to try and imagine what it would be like to be in my shoes. It's awful, huh? I wouldn't want to do it either. I am living the nightmare everyone is afraid to face. I lost the one thing I can never replace completely. Along with the future we had planned together. And with sorrow comes the support of friends. They are my stake in the ground.... and I am the vine that grows around it. With the stake I can grow taller... reaching towards the light. without it... I whither away.

I need my friends.

And I hope they feel they need me.

I know they do.

As a friend I feel like I have a lot to offer.

And I know that John wouldn't want me to lose those I love most because of his death. But I am sure he would also want me to be taken care of.

It isn't that I am not learning to find my own way.

I do that day to day.

But part of who you are is the people you surround yourself with.

A friend makes that phone call. As uncomfortable as it may be... it means the world. A friend invites me to lunch, coffee, or a movie. I don't expect you to pay. I don't expect you to pick me up. I will meet you there. We can talk about anything. It doesn't have to be about John. And if you want to talk about John... I am more than willing. I love sharing our stories and our love. Thats how I keep him alive.

A friend reaches out when I am at my worst.

When I cry out for help it's usually for a good reason.

When the pain gets tough... it's nice to have someone there to hug, hold, and cry on.

Did their LIFE stop when they offered their help? Absolutely not. They are doing what I would do for them. They care. They want to continue the bonds made before John's death and make them stronger even after.

There are two ways we can make it out of this:

1) I lose you.

You stop calling. You can't handle my burden. You float off into your own world. You become distant. You say something rude. You make me feel guilty for having grief. You never take time to listen or be sympathetic or empathetic. You lack the compassion to carry on a mature relationship with someone.

2) Our friendship grows stronger than ever.

We pick up where we left off and build on what we have using lessons learned from John's death. That you never know where life can take you and to cherish the people you have in your life that LOVE you. You share your LIFE with me rather than "moving on" with it. You remember me and you remember my John. You don't forget the milestones. You offer help. You listen and offer advice. You become a person I can rely on. Our relationship becomes stronger than ever before.

It's really something I have no control over.

As much as I would love to keep all of my friends... it wouldn't surprise me if I lose a couple. And it just breaks my heart.

Friends, do not give up on me.

For I would never give up on you.

And neither would John.

He wouldn't want his death to cause me to lose more loved ones.

Losing people after a traumatic loss due to the fact of their own misunderstandings is adding insult to injury. Why add to the pain? Loss is loss. Losing John PLUS people I care about immensely... makes no sense.

Please watch your words.

Please think twice before you speak.

Your words are ammunition.

And some have wounded me with their words.

Take a step back. from yourself. from your computer.

reflect on all the things you have.

Now, pick your favorite thing.

Maybe it's your husband, your child, your pet, your job...

now. take it away. imagine it was taken from you. INSTANTLY. SUDDENLY. UNEXPECTANTLY.

Feel the hurt.

Feel the confusion.

Feel the emptiness.

You lost your world.

But now come back... and realize it's not really gone because it was just imaginary.

Mine is not.

Mine is a reality.

What does it take to get you to understand, friend?

in darkness and in light

I have a friend.
A best friend.
We met for lunch today.
It was our usual post FMEA lunch we do.
But I knew this one would be different.
Because since April our relationship has been different.
Now I had made it to the restaurant early and found myself on the phone with a friend from college. And it was a great conversation... and at the end there were tears as I told her the details of John's death she had been unaware of. I guess there are still many who don't know. Which bothers me. How can my friends talk to me and move through many conversations and not know exactly what happened to John. That would be something I would HAVE to know. I mean, what do they THINK happened is what gets me.
Anyway, conversation ends and I hang up. I cry. Wipe tears.
Best friend walks in...
We sit. Order our drinks and then we say our words.
Except she has the floor.
She mentions how we have been distanced from each other since John's death. True.
She mentions how I am bitter. True
She also brings up things that in my mind... I am unaware of. sort of. I mean, I figured it happens sometimes... but she really lays it down.
I'm mean. I'm distant. I don't ask about anyone else's lives.
And Im floored.
And I crying and sobbing.
This cannot happen.
I refuse to lose my best friend.
Why?
Because I love her. Because I need her. Because she fills in the gaps of what I am missing. Because she makes me laugh. Because she was there for everything. Because she is one of the best friends you could ever ask for. Because I honestly CANNOT live without her. And because I know that John would hate for us to lose our amazing relationship because he left Earth.
John loved her and cared for her.
He always made sure her and I kept a strong relationship.
It was important to him that I never lose those bonds.
And now I know why.
Because one day.... when you least expect it... you could lose your John.
And all you have left are those friends. Those anchors.
That keep you in place during a strong tide of your life.
And God help you if you lose those friendships during your relationship. And what a lonely road to walk alone.
But I will not.
Because she will not let me.
And neither will others.

Valentines Day two years ago I made a collage for her... and a quote... that I never knew would have the immense relevance that it does today...
"Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light."

And then I wrote: "To a friend I would walk with in light or darkness."

Because it's true.
And now here I am. In my darkness.
And she is still walking with me.
And I could have lost her.
But she chose to stay the course and help me.
And when I gave her that... I didn't expect for the darkness to come to my life so suddenly. I was perfectly happy walking in my light. But luckily I still had her then... and many others.

I just don't want to lose people because I scare them away.
Because I am not pleasant.
Because I am rude or bitter.
Please allow me to cry. Please listen to my stories about John. Please know that I am doing everything in my power to live day to day without breaking down.
Getting out of bed has been a big feat!

But forgive me, everyone, if I had done or said something stupid.
Because the last thing I want to do is lose you.

I could always use a hand to hold while I was in this darkness.

Uncomfortable

People have mentioned to me how afraid they have been to speak to me recently about John... John's death... or to even speak to me at all.

This is definitely not the case it should be.

In what other time in my life do I need people more?

Why of all times would people want to avoid me?

I lost the love of my life. I don't want to lose anyone else.



Books said I will. They said people will start showing their true colors. Because to many people... death is still a tabu thing in their life. Many people don't experience death at such a young age as myself. Most won't experience this extreme loss until furthur into their lives. And then they will be surronded by more people that have the experience. I don't have that same support. I am 26. I lost my fiance'. I am young. I had a future ahead of me.

People want to avoid things that are unpleasant. So, people will tend to avoid me. I feel like others may feel like my experience with death will taint their perfect little lives. An interuption they can't deal with right now. They feel like "well, there is nothing I can do."

They are right... somewhat.

They can't give me what i long for the most. They can't return John. They can't suture up my heart and have it completely heal.

But, not even I can do that.

Is this a reason for people to give up?

Because it's uncomfortable?

Life is UNCOMFORTABLE. It's not easy and there are struggles. My hope is that when people start feeling like "this isn't easy... talking to her..." that they only imagine what is going on in my mind. How uncomfortable almost evry situation I go through in life is.

Even church.

Today's service?

Marriage and sex.

OF COURSE.

I sit there in church listening to God's word on love and finding a perfect partner... and hearing Solomon describe his wife's boobs.

How awkward. What timing. The couples in the room are laughing. I would have been too. I would have nudged John's arm when something relevant came up. But for now I am trying to now burst into tears or show my discomfort. Luckily in the service Andi was there. With my right hand I grabbed her left. In my left hand a tissue. A tissue in her right hand. A mirror image of our uncomfortable lives. A month apart. Our lives coming together by fate. By God.



These past two days I have been spending a lot of time with James and Matthew (John's nephews). I have really enjoyed it although it is EXHAUSTING. I have jokingly told Kelly "Im not having kids..." (ha?) I don't mean it. Im terribly heartbroken I won't have a Seay baby.



Yesterday when I went out to the hall to see the boys one of them came up to me and asked "Where is Uncle John." I froze and my eyes searched for Annie's eyes. Hers were watering. So were mine. They asked again "where is Uncle John..." I can't speak. Annie is my voice. Her voice shakes with a response "Uncle John went bye bye for awhile." She looks to me and mouths the word "sorry."

I turn around and go back to my room and shut the door and cry.

But then I try and get brave. I try and compose myself and go outside to play with the boys. I ended up spending the rest of the day with them. But, I guess I should have cried more earlier. Because once I put them to bed.... I lost it. I ran into the bathroom whee Andrea was showering and asked her to keep me company. She ran me a bath and stayed in the room with me while I spilled out my feelings. I am far over being naked in front of her. I used to chase her around the house naked anyway when we were in college. (don't ask how I got so comfortable with my body... this must have been in my skinnier, tanner drum corps days).

I told Andrea many things that saddened me, pissed me off, scared me, etc.



One of the things I mentioned to Andrea was this:

A couple nights after John proposed to me I looked over at him and started to giggle. Then I said.. "oh my God!!! I can't catch bouquets anymore!" You see. I have this thing. I have this record. I am a champ when it comes to catching bouquets at weddings. The last one I caught was at my friend Danielle's wedding. John caught the garter. Mainly because the wedding before when I caught the bouquet...he didn't and hated every second of watching a drunk guy put something up my leg. LOL. He swore he wouldn't let that happen again.

So, sobbing in the bath... my tears feeling cold with the heat of the bath... I told Andrea how I would eventually be back in that single woman group that chased after a bouquet again. Chasing a dream, really.For me, it was more like giving John a hint. "John. It's my 8th bouquet! I think it's about time, baby!"

I am attending John's best friend's wedding in December. But I am sure I won't line up to catch a bouquet. Because I probably won't ever have this expression when I catch one again:

:(