Halloween

I didn’t start celebrating Halloween until I was in college… I know, a lot of catching up to do.

My first Halloween celebrations started in Cawthon... decorating the hallway with giant spiders and cobwebs and making scary haunted houses for local children to be scarred for life by.

And when Andrea, me and Kelly threw our first big Halloween party at our house on Chapel Hill in Tallassee… we wanted it to be spectacular. And it turned out to be an amazing party. Minus the dry ice that Andrea and Kelly put in the freezer and it magically disappeared. Lol. It was to be used for our famous “witches brew.” That was the year I decided to be a sexy candy corn witch. And I have to admit I looked cute. And this was the beginning of John’s obsession with the banana costume. The previous years he has been in a scream costume with the bass line as well as a dinosaur. Did I mention Dr. Dunnigan had strict rules about costumes at practice on Halloween? That would be my John. Big 8 humor. Not following rules. Gotta love them….
So, sexy witch and banana man. Which was cool… until John decided to be the banana for the next 4 years… I remember we had a bonfire the first year and the costume was still stained with ash and soot from the fire. But, he kept wearing it. There was a time I as tempted to throw it away (kind of like what I did with any of his sandals or shoes that started to smell really bad). But, I kept it. And then at one party John tried to go to the bathroom with the costume on and accidently peed on it. And that was the end of that.
We did switch it up one time. John used his famous dinosaur costume… which he borrowed from his dad. I remember taking a picture of him with my cell phone when he showed up to chiefs practice with it once. I don’t even know if we were dating then but it was definitely a “no-no” in chiefs. No costumes to practice. Lame, I know.
Our final Halloween together was last year. John came as the Count from Sesame Street. James and Matthew were train conductors and they had trains and everything. It was a big deal. Their first real Halloween. We celebrated by taking the twins out for their first trick or treat and having a party at the house. I was out of ideas and came as a “snuggie.” So creative. Metallica, the basset hound, was yoda. ( I did pull out the ol’ candy corn witch sexy costume and was a bit depressed when I noticed it had “shrunk” a bit since college. I still have it though. Leggings and all. Waiting for me to take a sexy shape once again someday. Yeah right.)

There was something so priceless about watching John walk around and trick or treat with his nephews last year. He wasn’t afraid to be a kid with them. He was perfectly fine with being a goofy uncle. Just the way that all uncles should be. And I was perfectly fine at being a doting aunt. And as I watched him hold hands with the boys and walk down the sidewalk… I saw visions of a future with our own children.
So, this Halloween I won’t be dressing up. I won’t be passing out candy. I will, however, be playing with beluga whales. Thank you Lauren Stone. My weekend will have it’s silver lining after all. After I get to touch and kiss my favorite animal in the world!! I know I can't fool myself. This weekend is tough. There's more than just memories of dressing up in costumes to think about this weekend...

Things could have been different this year.

This Halloween I would have been coming out as Mrs. Seay.

For the first full day as a wife.

To the cutest dinosaur, banana and count.....

Uncomfortable

People have mentioned to me how afraid they have been to speak to me recently about John... John's death... or to even speak to me at all.

This is definitely not the case it should be.

In what other time in my life do I need people more?

Why of all times would people want to avoid me?

I lost the love of my life. I don't want to lose anyone else.



Books said I will. They said people will start showing their true colors. Because to many people... death is still a tabu thing in their life. Many people don't experience death at such a young age as myself. Most won't experience this extreme loss until furthur into their lives. And then they will be surronded by more people that have the experience. I don't have that same support. I am 26. I lost my fiance'. I am young. I had a future ahead of me.

People want to avoid things that are unpleasant. So, people will tend to avoid me. I feel like others may feel like my experience with death will taint their perfect little lives. An interuption they can't deal with right now. They feel like "well, there is nothing I can do."

They are right... somewhat.

They can't give me what i long for the most. They can't return John. They can't suture up my heart and have it completely heal.

But, not even I can do that.

Is this a reason for people to give up?

Because it's uncomfortable?

Life is UNCOMFORTABLE. It's not easy and there are struggles. My hope is that when people start feeling like "this isn't easy... talking to her..." that they only imagine what is going on in my mind. How uncomfortable almost evry situation I go through in life is.

Even church.

Today's service?

Marriage and sex.

OF COURSE.

I sit there in church listening to God's word on love and finding a perfect partner... and hearing Solomon describe his wife's boobs.

How awkward. What timing. The couples in the room are laughing. I would have been too. I would have nudged John's arm when something relevant came up. But for now I am trying to now burst into tears or show my discomfort. Luckily in the service Andi was there. With my right hand I grabbed her left. In my left hand a tissue. A tissue in her right hand. A mirror image of our uncomfortable lives. A month apart. Our lives coming together by fate. By God.



These past two days I have been spending a lot of time with James and Matthew (John's nephews). I have really enjoyed it although it is EXHAUSTING. I have jokingly told Kelly "Im not having kids..." (ha?) I don't mean it. Im terribly heartbroken I won't have a Seay baby.



Yesterday when I went out to the hall to see the boys one of them came up to me and asked "Where is Uncle John." I froze and my eyes searched for Annie's eyes. Hers were watering. So were mine. They asked again "where is Uncle John..." I can't speak. Annie is my voice. Her voice shakes with a response "Uncle John went bye bye for awhile." She looks to me and mouths the word "sorry."

I turn around and go back to my room and shut the door and cry.

But then I try and get brave. I try and compose myself and go outside to play with the boys. I ended up spending the rest of the day with them. But, I guess I should have cried more earlier. Because once I put them to bed.... I lost it. I ran into the bathroom whee Andrea was showering and asked her to keep me company. She ran me a bath and stayed in the room with me while I spilled out my feelings. I am far over being naked in front of her. I used to chase her around the house naked anyway when we were in college. (don't ask how I got so comfortable with my body... this must have been in my skinnier, tanner drum corps days).

I told Andrea many things that saddened me, pissed me off, scared me, etc.



One of the things I mentioned to Andrea was this:

A couple nights after John proposed to me I looked over at him and started to giggle. Then I said.. "oh my God!!! I can't catch bouquets anymore!" You see. I have this thing. I have this record. I am a champ when it comes to catching bouquets at weddings. The last one I caught was at my friend Danielle's wedding. John caught the garter. Mainly because the wedding before when I caught the bouquet...he didn't and hated every second of watching a drunk guy put something up my leg. LOL. He swore he wouldn't let that happen again.

So, sobbing in the bath... my tears feeling cold with the heat of the bath... I told Andrea how I would eventually be back in that single woman group that chased after a bouquet again. Chasing a dream, really.For me, it was more like giving John a hint. "John. It's my 8th bouquet! I think it's about time, baby!"

I am attending John's best friend's wedding in December. But I am sure I won't line up to catch a bouquet. Because I probably won't ever have this expression when I catch one again:

:(