And I am not afraid to admit I am.
And please don't try and convince I am not.
I see myself in the mirror. But even worse.... I see myself in photos. And I see a ton of flaws. Self image is something many people struggle with. And mine seems to be suffering even more since I lost John. I think a huge part of it has to do with the fact that he isn't around to call me beautiful anymore. When you are told you are beautiful for so long and when someone likes your body no matter what for so many years... being without that confidence boost can be really depressing. It didn't mean that because I had John I wanted my body to go to shit. It just meant that he accepted me. He was insanely in love. We both were blinded by love. To the point where imperfections just didn't exist.
I could try and blame many things for my weight.
and those all contribute.... but....
(and there's always a but...)
it's sooooo me.
I eat ok now. I really did cut back on soda (sometimes i go a week without it and then splurge on the weekend). I started tracking my food. I now eat breakfast!!! (something I NEVER used to do...) I have been eating more fruit and less red meat. But I am still a long way from where i should be. I fall into the temptation of fast food easily. Especially when I am stressing out. I almost have a slight binge. It's scary. If I am on the phone with a friend and I pull into a fast food restaurant i have to make up an excuse to hang up.. or I put them on mute. I am completely embarrassed. and it's not like I pull up and order 5 cheeseburgers. Its usually something small. not even a full meal. like fries and a drink. or a ice cream. but either way.... it's not helping me.
My struggle with drinking water has always been a problem. I don't know what it is but I can't seem to stay hydrated ever. I know I need to be taking in way more water than I do currently.
It's totally random.
I don't stick to a routine. I am not hard enough on myself. I make excuses.
I sometimes take out my drum corps scrapbooks.... and i have a hard time believing i was ever that thin. or tan. or had muscles in my arms and legs. I must say my arms, legs and ass used to be quite toned.
And there isn't a reason they can't be again.
I just dont know if i will ever be in drum corps shape again. I mean, they literally kicked our asses and we worked so hard that weight was never an issue. i knew every summer that i would be losing 15-25 pounds. It was a given. When i would come back from drum corps i took advantage of the body i had. In corps you could eat an insane amount of food and not gain an ounce because you worked it off by the next rehearsal block. I continued to eat like that when I would get back to college. And then the weight came back.
And then i would get sad. and it's a vicious cycle.
sometimes i get in this mode... where I exercise daily and eat healthy... only to fall out of it within a week. A few summers ago I did weight watchers and lost 10 pounds and was really happy with it. so, i know i can do it again.
I just have to suck it up.
My friend, Diana. She is an amazing success story and I am completely jealous of her.
She and I both started doing Medi weight loss last year in January. I lost about 10 pounds... but eventually had to stop because it got very expensive and I started to wander away from the plan. Diana kept going... and she also started to do things like running and stuff. I didn't. Now she has lost about 40 pounds... she looks STUNNING... and can run like a beast.
I just don't get this whole running thing. I literally want to throw up everytime i run.
HOW THE HELL DO PEOPLE DO THIS FOR FUN?
im starting to freak out.
what if no one ever find me attractive again?
I am 27. I am overweight. I am a widow.
I already have so much going against me.
Not to mention the other issues I deal with in my mind. my mole was one of those things. and I had it removed. and now all i can focus on is my scar.
then there's my nose. which many think is completely normal but i find it a bit too... big. my boobs are too big. my stomach make me look pregnant. my arms are fat. my butt is losing it's cute shape. my legs are getting chunky. I have grays.
I want to feel pretty.
Sometimes.... sometimes... i feel it. i have my days where I have a confidence inside of me that feels attractive. And then a lot of times i feel insecure.
I guess I am ready to be called beautiful again.
And not just out of pity.
And not just by others.
but by myself.
to look in the mirror and actually like the reflection i see.