Saturday, February 5, 2011


Today I walked for a cause.
For Andi.
For Rob.
Today there was "out of the darkness" walk for suicide awareness. If you didn't know.... my very good friend Andi lost her husband to suicide. Even though we lost our loved ones in completely different ways... a loss is a loss. Both of us are convinced that John and Rob brought us together. I was glad to be there to walk with Andi... but it was heartbreaking to see so many there... all these people losing those they love to suicide. But, at least Andi could see that she isn't alone. I really wish there was a stronger support system for those who lost someone to myocarditis. But it's just so rare. I haven't met one widow yet that has experienced what I have.
After the walk we went to lunch.
I remember feeling really tired. And just out of it.
Then I got home and immediately jumped in my bed and slept for 4 hours. I woke up feeling horrible. My head was pounding. I was a bit shaky. What's wrong with me?
4 days ago I went down on my medication.
We (me and my doctor) decided to split it in half. Because eventually I don't want to take it anymore. So, I started having withdrawl today. I knew it would happen because it's happened before. when i tried to quit cold turkey on my own. It was a horrible feeling. I hated it. It was so horrible that I immediately had to take my medication to start feeling better again. It was unbearable.
So... even though it's only half medication it's still affecting me.
I feel like poop.
I just hope it doesn't last long.

Now I am just sitting here. Horrible acid reflux.
This is terrible.
I have counseling tomorrow and once again haven't done my timeline yet. I just can't do it. It's painful. First, I have a problem with perfection. If i am going to do this timeline I want to do it right. I want to do it perfect. And I am avoiding going through the memories. Because in my mind I know that the worst part about this timeline is that it ends. There will be an end to it all. Our story is over.

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