my feet are tingling.
It's one of those nights.
a bad one.
i have been carrying the stress of so many things on my back and have yet to lighten the load. my biggest problem right now is this roommate issue. once again i feel like i am being backed out on. i'm stuck in a corner. and i have absolutely no control. as much as i try to be helpful you really can only do so much on your own end. and the ball is out of my court.
tonight i cried for john. i shouted out for him in the tub once again. i leaned over the edge and in between the screams found myself dry heaving. this is what happens when i let myself get to upset. i lose control. and then the pain just takes over.
but i tell you what. i am disappointed in people. and mainly those who are my friends. once again i find myself having to reach out to others instead of being reached out too. it's sad when i put up a plea for help on facebook and 1 person calls and 3 people text. out of all those hundreds of friends. neat.
and then this afternoon i sent texts to almost half of my contacts. and it was just normal chat. probably got 2 responses back then too.
one of my friends admitted being consumed by themselves. and she had recently fallen out of my universe... and found another solar system. but at least she admitted it.
listen, people. stop being scared. just let go of your comfort zone. because let's be honest.... didn't i always make people get out of it anyway? it's obvious i am still very wounded and it's obvious that bringing up john is painful. but don't you DARE pretend like he didn't exist. John was my world. my moon and stars. he was/is a hug part of my life. he is the reason i am who i am today. why would you ignore that? many of my friends were also close with john. i mean, after all we were a pair. a team. attached at the hip. yet, it feels as if they have moved on easily. maybe they aren't expressing how they feel? and why not? i would WANT to know that John is still missed. that he is still thought of and admired and adored. and that the memories we shared are still being remembered by others.
i honestly feel as if i am trying as best i can right now and then find myself going out of MY way in order to get the company of a friend. i am reaching out daily and i am completely stunned out many have not responded to anything i say or send. is this intentional? are people trying to ignore me? ignore my pain=absence of pain in their lives. yes, go ahead and escape the fear. the death. i sure as hell wish i could. oh how lucky you are. to crawl into your happy places... safe and sound. taking advantage of what you had initially taken for granted. given a second chance to appreciate your world. and mine has been ruined for the cause.
where are the thanks in that?
where is my fucking medal?
i gave everyone a second chance.
and they can't even pick up a phone to call me and say "how are you?"
that's a bad friend.
it's exhausting. putting on this face every day for the world to see. making it comfortable for others. making myself hold back things in order to- god forbid- make others feel the slightest bit of feelings. i work my ass off day to day... i get home and open the door to a cat and a dog. and as much as everyone likes to say "well you have lily..."
i would trade 1,000 lilys to have john back.
i mean, how can you even compare the two?
i love animals. but it's a dog. it can't give me the love and joy that i had with john. it's not even slightly close.
so coming home to this emptiness sure isn't making it easier on me.
empty table. empty bed. empty couch. empty chairs.
empty heart and empty womb.
it starts to look weird when i write it over and over.
it doesn't even look like a real word anymore.
i need sleep.
i sure hope everyone takes a time to reflect on how awesome their lives are. and after that why dont you give me a call? thanks.