Monday, February 7, 2011


my pillow is soaking.
my feet are tingling.
It's one of those nights.
a bad one.
i have been carrying the stress of so many things on my back and have yet to lighten the load. my biggest problem right now is this roommate issue. once again i feel like i am being backed out on. i'm stuck in a corner. and i have absolutely no control. as much as i try to be helpful you really can only do so much on your own end. and the ball is out of my court.
tonight i cried for john. i shouted out for him in the tub once again. i leaned over the edge and in between the screams found myself dry heaving. this is what happens when i let myself get to upset. i lose control. and then the pain just takes over.
but i tell you what. i am disappointed in people. and mainly those who are my friends. once again i find myself having to reach out to others instead of being reached out too. it's sad when i put up a plea for help on facebook and 1 person calls and 3 people text. out of all those hundreds of friends. neat.
and then this afternoon i sent texts to almost half of my contacts. and it was just normal chat. probably got 2 responses back then too.
one of my friends admitted being consumed by themselves. and she had recently fallen out of my universe... and found another solar system. but at least she admitted it.
listen, people. stop being scared. just let go of your comfort zone. because let's be honest.... didn't i always make people get out of it anyway? it's obvious i am still very wounded and it's obvious that bringing up john is painful. but don't you DARE pretend like he didn't exist. John was my world. my moon and stars. he was/is a hug part of my life. he is the reason i am who i am today. why would you ignore that? many of my friends were also close with john. i mean, after all we were a pair. a team. attached at the hip. yet, it feels as if they have moved on easily. maybe they aren't expressing how they feel? and why not? i would WANT to know that John is still missed. that he is still thought of and admired and adored. and that the memories we shared are still being remembered by others.
i honestly feel as if i am trying as best i can right now and then find myself going out of MY way in order to get the company of a friend. i am reaching out daily and i am completely stunned out many have not responded to anything i say or send. is this intentional? are people trying to ignore me? ignore my pain=absence of pain in their lives. yes, go ahead and escape the fear. the death. i sure as hell wish i could. oh how lucky you are. to crawl into your happy places... safe and sound. taking advantage of what you had initially taken for granted. given a second chance to appreciate your world. and mine has been ruined for the cause.
where are the thanks in that?
where is my fucking medal?
i gave everyone a second chance.
and they can't even pick up a phone to call me and say "how are you?"
that's lame.
that's bullshit.
that's a bad friend.

it's exhausting. putting on this face every day for the world to see. making it comfortable for others. making myself hold back things in order to- god forbid- make others feel the slightest bit of feelings. i work my ass off day to day... i get home and open the door to a cat and a dog. and as much as everyone likes to say "well you have lily..."
i would trade 1,000 lilys to have john back.
i mean, how can you even compare the two?
i love animals. but it's a dog. it can't give me the love and joy that i had with john. it's not even slightly close.
so coming home to this emptiness sure isn't making it easier on me.
empty table. empty bed. empty couch. empty chairs.

empty heart and empty womb.
it starts to look weird when i write it over and over.
it doesn't even look like a real word anymore.

i need sleep.
i sure hope everyone takes a time to reflect on how awesome their lives are. and after that why dont you give me a call? thanks.


Anonymous said...
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Meredith said...

Autumn - I just want to say that you're not the only one who has endured this sort of situation. It's great you get to get out your feelings here and let people know what you think of how things really went down. I never did that - but I have experienced this same dilemna.

I'm sorry I wasn't there for you last night. I'm sure all of your friends are. But we also can't be there at every moment. As someone who has gone through an immense amount of grief and pain (albeit different - but still grief and pain) it hurts to read this because I remember those days well. I quickly learned that expecting things like this - for people to know "just the right moment to reach out" will never happen. That's putting a burden on others who have no way of knowing the perfect moment you need them. Yes, it's hard - I know. You have tons of friends who have done tons for you during this time. I know it'll never feel like enough - but you have to be grateful for what you have. There were many days and moments I felt like you did last night during the worst part of my grief - but you know what? Life goes on. I was disappointed by MANY, as well - and still am...but I've figured out how to deal with it over time. There's no answer, Autumn - and I know it hurts. I know what it's like to wonder if a "friend" is really a friend. It's all part of the process.

You're not alone. I'm praying for God's arms of security to hold you close today.

Anonymous said...

I don't know you, and have never responded on your blog until now....but I have followed and been touched by your story.
I have to say to your friends that it is NOT your responsibility to ask for help. NO, they can't read minds and there will be days they aren't there when they are needed, that is natural, but waiting for someone who is greiving to reach out is ridiculous.
Friends... drop by with food, drop a note/card in the mail or even email to say hi, insist you go to a movie, plan a girls night out-something, anything. Yes, it might seem hard, and yes, you might think Autumn needs to "move on", but this girl lost the love of her life only a year ago- A YEAR AGO!! Step in, help out and DO NOT WAIT FOR HER TO ASK!!!
I don't live anywhere near you, in Canada actually but please know I am always sending my love.
I know what your friends are saying, that John would want you to live and they are right, he would...but you need to take each day, each moment as it comes....if you need to cry, cry, if you need to fall to your knees do that-just continue to have the strength to stand back up and keep moving. Your 'new normal' will come, give it time, and although not in the way you want you will feel joy again....but do this at your own pace and don't let anyone tell you how to grieve, that you should be "over it" and "moving on". YOu will move forward, but John will always be in your heart and a HUGE part of who you are today.
Good luck and I hope your friends stop being insulted by your honesty, and just realize you were hurting when you wrote this, that you just need someone to give you a hug and be there-no, there are no "right words" but you just need someone to stand beside you and be there.
Good luck. All my love and hugs. Em

Autumn said...
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Autumn said...

And thank you so much Em! I wish you lived here :(